BS: Dr. Seuss Books That Never Made It

Subject: BS: Dr. Seuss Books That Never Made It
From: wysiwyg
Date: 13 Nov 05 - 12:49 PM

I suppose a PG-13 filter might be in order for this thread...

My son, now ex-military, says that while he was in the service a few years ago, two lists circulated among the enlisted men and women that consisted of one-item contributions from all over the world, land and sea. You know-- each recipeint would add an item and pass it along; I envision the resulting list (he has it on his PDA) being very like some of our Mudcat threads.

He warned us that most of the lists' items are VERY non-PC, but we are waiting for him to send both lists to us via email.

But I thought, why not get a start? The first list's topic was, Dr. Seuss Books That Never Made It.

His example was that great Seuss couldda-been, One Bitch Two Bitch. The text begins something like this:

One bitch,
Two bitch,
Fat bitch,
You bitch!

Support our troops-- add your contribution and we'll see if we can blast it out to our service men and women.

~Susan

Subject: RE: BS: Dr. Seuss Books That Never Made It
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 13 Nov 05 - 12:52 PM

Wow. Now that's a project I want to spend a lot of time on [not].

What is the point?

SRS

Subject: RE: BS: Dr. Seuss Books That Never Made It
From: Rapparee
Date: 13 Nov 05 - 01:08 PM

The 365 Days and a Wakeup of Bartholemew Cubbins

Subject: RE: BS: Dr. Seuss Books That Never Made It
From: Amos
Date: 13 Nov 05 - 01:10 PM

Bartholomew Cubbins and the 211 Condoms

Horton Buys a Vibrator

Tot Smokes Pot

Bug On Drugs

Scrambled Brains and Grass

The Ma in the Bra


...

I think this may end up being a long thread.

A

Subject: RE: BS: Dr. Seuss Books That Never Made It
From: Rapparee
Date: 13 Nov 05 - 01:18 PM

Green MREs and Spam.

Subject: RE: BS: Dr. Seuss Books That Never Made It
From: wysiwyg
Date: 13 Nov 05 - 02:02 PM

Awww, ain'tchoo guys going to compose the opening text?!? Those are pretty good-- go for it!

~S~

Subject: RE: BS: Dr. Seuss Books That Never Made It
From: wysiwyg
Date: 13 Nov 05 - 02:14 PM

OK, then I'll do it myself!

You can eat it on the run;
You can chop it with your gun.
You can serve it by itself,
Or with Spam if nothing else.
I recommend Green MREs with Spam,
And here's a serving, Sam I Am.

....You'd serve Soylent to Sam I am?
I will not eat Green MREs and Spam!

~S~

Subject: RE: BS: Dr. Seuss Books That Never Made It
From: Amos
Date: 13 Nov 05 - 02:43 PM

Miss Hortense the Elephant said to her mater
"Now Horton there's something I have to relate!
You're old and you're fat! Yes you are! That is that!
And I'm tired of you snoring, and making me wait!"

Now Horton was kindly, and listened quite well,
Though much saddened by what his dear wife had to tell.
So he pondered and thought, and then pondered some more!
The he hollered, "Eureka!" and let out a roar!
And he ran down the road toward the Vibrator Store!!

When he got there, my golly, what greeted his eyes?
There were vibrators EVERYWHERE, of every size!
There were tiny small green ones, that were just right for bugs!
There were some ran on C-cells, and some that had plugs!
And some just for people who had to have more!
The wondrous collection at the Vibrator Store!

There were some shaped like dildos, and some colored green,
And some made of latex, almost real, it would seem!
There were handhelds and king-size, both wide, short and long,
And one that was ordered in just for King Kong!
There were colors, and sizes, and textures galore!
In the wondrous collection, at the Vibrator Store.

(Subsequent developments are left as an exercise for the learner...)

Subject: RE: BS: Dr. Seuss Books That Never Made It
From: Sorcha
Date: 13 Nov 05 - 02:53 PM

Drift again..have you seen the computer one? Put the pocket in the socket...etc?

Subject: RE: BS: Dr. Seuss Books That Never Made It
From: Charley Noble
Date: 13 Nov 05 - 10:17 PM

Amos-

What are you on?

Cheerily,
Charley Noble

Subject: RE: BS: Dr. Seuss Books That Never Made It
From: Amos
Date: 13 Nov 05 - 11:12 PM

Just a roll, Charlie, just a roll.

A

Subject: RE: BS: Dr. Seuss Books That Never Made It
From: NH Dave
Date: 14 Nov 05 - 12:44 AM

You mean this one?

Dave

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort,
and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
and your data is corrupted cause the index doesn't hash,
then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!

If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse;
then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'cuz sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk,
and the macro code instructions cause unnecessary risk,
then you'll have to flash the memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM then quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mum!"

Subject: RE: BS: Dr. Seuss Books That Never Made It
From: Thomas the Rhymer
Date: 14 Nov 05 - 01:30 AM

Five thousand fingers each on it's own spree
All fashioning zingers in hopes we'll agree
Some walking the walk of their talking the talk
Some caulking the stalk with some talking they mock...

And so, Bingley Thorpston, what did they do next?
While you ate your portion, all out of context?
Did they stammer of weapons, with delited disdain
While teaching hard lessons, in vapor trail rains.

And after that, then some, incorrigable fiends
Lassooing petrolium, tortillas and beans
It's the thrill of the chaste, inside acres of steel
Who chew through the taste and find nothing to feel.

And flowers unfettered, grew faster than fear
But the caustic unlettered, were louder that year
And, sounding much bigger were much righter than right
So much so we figure, that day became night.

So here Bingley, there Bingley, pull up a chair Bingley
For what do you care Bingley, put down the snare Bingley
Its all up to you, for the things that you do
Are best when their true... and are beautiful too!

It cannot be easy, you mustn't be late
The causeway is breezy, you don't have a date
But make a good effort, smile, give it your best
Eschew some more comfort, dare to be blessed.

;^) ttr

Subject: RE: BS: Dr. Seuss Books That Never Made It
From: Little Hawk
Date: 14 Nov 05 - 12:38 PM

"Horton Humps a Who"

Subject: RE: BS: Dr. Seuss Books That Never Made It
From: wysiwyg
Date: 14 Nov 05 - 12:39 PM

Snerk! A winner! Write a bit of it LH....!

~S~

Subject: RE: BS: Dr. Seuss Books That Never Made It
From: GUEST,Dr Seuss
Date: 15 Nov 05 - 06:41 AM

Dedicated to Amos Jessup

Dr. Seuss on Aging

I cannot see
I cannot pee
I cannot chew
I cannot screw
Oh, my God, what can I do?

My memory shrinks
My hearing stinks
No sense of smell
I look like hell
My mood is bad - can you tell?

My body's drooping
Have trouble pooping
The Golden Years have come at last
The Golden Years can kiss my ass

Subject: RE: BS: Dr. Seuss Books That Never Made It
From: wysiwyg
Date: 15 Nov 05 - 09:54 AM

These are great parodies, but the point isn't just parodies- it's a bit sicker in the humor department than that. Titles and text that could not have been allowed.

~S~

Subject: RE: BS: Dr. Seuss Books That Never Made It
From: Little Hawk
Date: 15 Nov 05 - 06:09 PM

I...I just can't bring myself to spend time imitating Dr Seuss's style, Susan. I never even read that stuff when I was a kid. PM Amos. He'll do it, I'm sure.

Subject: RE: BS: Dr. Seuss Books That Never Made It
From: Amos
Date: 15 Nov 05 - 07:34 PM

ALready did one title. I await collaborative contributions.

A

Subject: RE: BS: Dr. Seuss Books That Never Made It
From: Donuel
Date: 16 Nov 05 - 05:45 PM

I've illustrated a number of ribald parodies of Seuss like Horton Hires a Ho...and One fish two fish red fish rude fish, but here is one I did that is entirely original

http://www.angelfire.com/md2/customviolins/tude.jpg