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BS: Christmas jokes/humour
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BS: Christmas jokes/humour |
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Subject: BS: Christmas jokes/humour From: Helen Date: 10 Dec 05 - 06:33 PM Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'To start the thread, here is a copy of something my hubby sent me by email this week: Employee Christmas Party MEMO Christmas Party December 1...To All Employees I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will be held on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of spiked eggnog and a small band will play traditional carols...feel free to sing-along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree. Exchanging gifts among employees can be done at this time. Please remember to keep gifts to the agreed $10 limit. Merry Christmas to you and yours, Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director ------------------------------------------------------------------------ December 2...To All Employees In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday and often coincides with Christmas (although not this year). However, from now on we're calling this party our Holiday Party. The same policy also applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no tree or Christmas carols sung. Happy holidays to you and yours. Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director ------------------------------------------------------------------------ December 3...To All Employees Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate your request but please remember that if I put a sign on the table that reads "AA Only" you won't be anonymous any more. In addition, we'll no longer be having a gift exchange because union members feel that $10 is too much money. Patti Lewis, Human Resources Director ------------------------------------------------------------------------ December 7...To All Employees I have arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest away from the dessert table and for pregnant members to sit closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with gays; each group will have its own table. And, yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men's table. Happy now? Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director ------------------------------------------------------------------------ December 9...To All Employees People! People! Nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to play Santa Claus. Even if the anagram for "Santa" does happen to be "Satan." There is no evil connation to our own little "man in a red suit." Patti Lewis, Human Resources Director ------------------------------------------------------------------------ December 10...To All Employees Vegetarians! I've had it with you people. We're holding this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not. You can just sit at the table farthest from the "Grill of Death" as you call it, and you'll get salad bar only including hydroponics tomatoes. Tomatoes have feelings too, you know. They scream when you slice them. I can hear them now. I hope you have a rotten holiday. Drive drunk and die, you hear me? The Bitch from Hell ------------------------------------------------------------------------ December 14...To All Employees I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness. I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime management has decided to cancel the Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay. Terri Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director http://www.corsinet.com/braincandy/hholiday1.html I've also been thinking about Frank Kelly's Christmas Countdown which is a parody of the 12 days of Christmas. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Christmas jokes/humour From: Peace Date: 10 Dec 05 - 06:36 PM The Little Angel on the Top of the Christmas Tree! One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit; this stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out at heaven knows where. More stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffeepot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made of. Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it? Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the tree. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Christmas jokes/humour From: Rapparee Date: 10 Dec 05 - 06:42 PM Here's one to offend almost everyone, courtesy of my Catholic upbringing! The stable was dimly lit, but Joseph and Mary were kneeling by the manger when the first of the Three Kings entered. He looked down in awe, quietly set down his gift of gold, and knelt to one side. The second king entered, reverently bestowed his gift of frankincense, and knelt in the strow on the other side. The third king, the tallest of the trio, entered the low door and slammed his head against the lintel. The force of it knocked him to his knees, spilling his gift of myrrh into the manure pile. "Jesus CHRIST!!!!" he exclaimed in his pain. Mary jumped up and said to Joseph, "Quick! Write that down! It's a better name than Irving!!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Christmas jokes/humour From: The Shambles Date: 10 Dec 05 - 08:32 PM The little boy who was playing the part of the innkeeper in the school nativity play who decided to build up he part and improvise a little. And who loudly informed Mary and Joseph and the audience, that he was sorry but the inn was full-up until after Christmas.... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Christmas jokes/humour From: Rapparee Date: 10 Dec 05 - 08:57 PM Miss Agnes Meholstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Valley, Colorado December 14, 1997 Dearest John, I went to the door today, and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised! Wish deepest love and affection, Agnes ----------- Miss Agnes Meholstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Valley, Colorado December 15, 1997 Dearest John, Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine — two turtle doves! I'm just delighted and tickled at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable. All my love and devotion, Agnes --------------------- Miss Agnes Meholstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Valley, Colorado December 16, 1997 Dear John, Oh! Aren't you the extravagent one! Now, I really must protest. I don't deserve such generosity — three French hens. . . . They are just darling, but I must insist — you've been too kind. . . . Love, Agnes ---------------- Miss Agnes Meholstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Valley, Colorado December 17, 1997 Dear John, Today the postman delivered your calling birds. . . . Now, really, they are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You are being too, too romantic. . . . Affectionately, Agnes -------------------- Miss Agnes Meholstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Valley, Colorado December 18, 1997 Dear John, What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden rings; one for every finger! You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all of those birds' squawking was beginning to get on my nerves. All my love, Agnes ---------------------- Miss Agnes Meholstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Valley, Colorado December 19, 1997 Dear John, When I opened the door, there were actually six geese a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? These geese are huge! Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining, and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop -- Cordially, Agnes ------------------ Miss Agnes Meholstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Valley, Colorado December 20, 1997 John: What's with you and these fucking birds? - seven swans a-swimming! What kind of a goddamned joke is this? There's bird shit all over the house, and they never stop with the racket. I can't sleep at night, and I am a nervous wreck! It's not funny. . . . So stop with those fucking birds. . . Sincerely, Agnes -------------------- Miss Agnes Meholstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Valley, Colorado December 21, 1997 O.K., Buster, I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with these eight maids a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and eight maids a-milking, but they had to bring their goddamned cows! There's shit all over the lawn, and I can't move in my house. Just lay off me, smart ass. . . . Agnes ------------------ Miss Agnes Meholstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Valley, Colorado December 22, 1997 Hey, shit-head, What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing, and Christ, do they play! They've never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset, and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me. . . . You'll get yours, Agnes Miss Agnes Meholstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Valley, Colorado December 23, 1997 You rotten prick, Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. . . . They've been balling those pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep, and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit! The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm siccing the police on you One who means it! Miss Agnes Meholstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Valley, Colorado December 24, 1997 Listen, fuckhead: What's with the eleven lords a-leaping on those maids and ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows! All 23 of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you satisfied you ROTTEN, VICIOUS SWINE!!! Your sworn enemy, Agnes Badger, Bender, and Cahold Attorneys-At-Law 303 Knave Street Chicago, Illinois December 25, 1997 Dear Sir, This is to acknowledge your latest receipt of twelve fiddlers fiddling, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes Meholstein of Beaver Creek, Colorado. Destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should be to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss Meholstein at the Happy Dale Sanitorium you are advised that the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight. With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest. Cordially, BADGER, BENDER AND CAHOLD |
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Subject: RE: BS: Christmas jokes/humour From: Dave Hanson Date: 10 Dec 05 - 10:57 PM " I don't give a shit who you are fatso, get them fucking reindeer off my roof." eric |
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Subject: RE: BS: Christmas jokes/humour From: Liz the Squeak Date: 11 Dec 05 - 05:50 AM Joseph to Mary: All this and you STILL want an announcement in the Jewish Chronicle? Wise man to Mary: It's supposed to be Frankincense, but I wouldn't be surprised if you find a Tonka toy in there... There is somewhere a wonderful book by Gray Joliffe - "Christmas already again yet?" which has some very good jokes in... look out for it. Wise man to innkeeper: Do you know who that IS out there? That's Mr and Mrs Christ and their son the Saviour! And where do you put them? In the goddam stable you klutz! Five martinis on the house is how you say sorry! LTS |
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Subject: RE: BS: Christmas jokes/humour From: JennyO Date: 11 Dec 05 - 10:47 AM Loaded Fruit Cake You'll need the following: a cup of water, a cup of sugar, four large brown eggs, two cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon of salt, a cup of brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts, and a bottle of whisky. Sample the whisky to check for quality. Take a large bowl. Check the whisky again. To be sure it's the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again. Make sure the whisky is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer. Beat two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fired druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whisky. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one babblespoon of sugar. Or something. Whatever you can find. Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window. Check the whisky again and bo to ged. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Christmas jokes/humour From: gnu Date: 11 Dec 05 - 11:31 AM ............I'm telling you why, Santa Claus is coming to town. In other words, don't piss off the fat man. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Christmas jokes/humour From: GUEST,Meterman Date: 11 Dec 05 - 11:43 AM But Mr Finkelstein, do you not think the roof is a strange place for a parking meter? |
