An observation on meeting people

Subject: An observation on meeting people
From: MBSLynne
Date: 26 Mar 06 - 06:25 AM

Yesterday I did a stall and talk at a Pagan Federation spring gathering. Throughout the day I met and talked to loads of people. Something that fascinates me, and that I have often noticed before, is one's different reactions to different people. I met people whom I immediately liked and felt a desire to get to know. Others had no real impact on me at all, and some I really didn't like. None of this, as far as I can tell, had anything at all to do with external appearance. So what is it that draws you to some total strangers, makes you want to get away from others but causes no feeling at all for others? Any thoughts?

Love Lynne

Subject: RE: An observation on meeting people
From: MBSLynne
Date: 26 Mar 06 - 06:26 AM

Ooops! Sorry, this should be below the line! Could someone move it please?

Love Lynne

Subject: RE: An observation on meeting people
From: Jerry Rasmussen
Date: 26 Mar 06 - 06:52 AM

For me, openness and warmth cause an immediate connection. As does humor. You usually can sense that quickly. There are people I love who are not open, but are very private... even after I get to know them. But they almost always have warmth and humor.

And then there is the occasional person you meet who immediately seems to be an old, dear friend. I've had that happen two or three times in my life, and my life is blessed for it.

Jerry

Subject: RE: An observation on meeting people
From: jacqui.c
Date: 26 Mar 06 - 07:25 AM

I know what you mean Lynne. We do seem to have an in built early warning system, if we would only take note of it. Mine has been right too many times for me not to take note of it.

Subject: RE: An observation on meeting people
From: GUEST,DB
Date: 26 Mar 06 - 09:30 AM

It could have something to do with pheromones ... ?

Subject: RE: An observation on meeting people
From: MBSLynne
Date: 26 Mar 06 - 09:39 AM

Not sure DB. I thought pheromones were only for sexual attraction, and this works for either sex. Two of the people I felt most drawn to were women. What I felt most of all was an urge to become friends with them.

I do have a number of friends whom I felt 'attracted to' like that on first meeting. It's sort of like sexual attraction without the sex.

Love Lynne

Subject: RE: An observation on meeting people
From: lady penelope
Date: 26 Mar 06 - 09:46 AM

It all sorts and everything. The way people look, how they dress, how they move/hold themselves, their expressions, their smell (and their pheremones Guest DB), how they talk, what their voices are like, eye contact, how near they stand (space invaders etc.) how they react to you. After all that, we finally start paying attention to what they are saying, do they make you laugh, how inquisitive about you are they, their use of language in general, do they listen to you, do they make you interested in what they have to say.......

All of this goes on all the time, but our first impressions are fixed in the first minute or so. After that it takes a lot for us to change our minds about someone.

And that's before you even get into the whole 'soul mate' e.s.p. debate........

Subject: RE: An observation on meeting people
From: Alice
Date: 26 Mar 06 - 10:22 AM

It may seem their appearance doesn't matter, but facial expression and body language is a primal way we communicate. I know someone well who has Asperger's syndrome. Unlike most of us, he cannot read facial expression, tone of voice, body language, to judge how people are reacting to him. There is definitely a snap decision we make by reading expressions and voice tone. Check out the book BLINK, about the first two seconds of decision making, by Malcolm Gladwell. Then there is the book that refutes BLINK, by Michael R. LeGault, called THINK. Blink is described at wikipedia, here:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blink_(book)

Subject: RE: An observation on meeting people
From: Ebbie
Date: 26 Mar 06 - 11:37 AM

I've been present at times when a dog reacted aggressively - or perhaps, warningly? - when someone it didn't know passed by. Both of the dogs I'm thinking of at the moment are friendly dogs who consider everybody their friend.

This one time I was sitting with a friend beside a trail on the grass when two men walked by. My friend's dog's hackles rose high and an ugly snarling sound erupted. If he hadn't been on leash I really think he'd have chased them. Mind you, other people were passing by regularly acknowledged by a friendly wave of a tail.

Then the other day my Cairn terrier who is a mush bag did the same thing when a boy, maybe 16, passed by us on the street. The only thing I know about the boy, really, is that he and his family are afraid of dogs.

Anyway. My point is perhaps our reactions to strangers are akin to those of dogs; we still feel the visceral response but civilisation has taught us so well to cover it up that we no longer understand it.

Subject: RE: An observation on meeting people
From: Jerry Rasmussen
Date: 26 Mar 06 - 12:45 PM

Some folks make me wag my tail... you must be right, Ebbie.

Jerry

Subject: RE: An observation on meeting people
From: MBSLynne
Date: 26 Mar 06 - 01:05 PM

Yeah...sounds like a good explanation Ebbie.

Love Lynne

Subject: RE: An observation on meeting people
From: GUEST,don hackman..........
Date: 26 Mar 06 - 01:18 PM

Those who will tolerate an introduction/meeting fall into catagories.

Will grimace and glare as an indication a meeting is anthma to them.
Will smile and remain virtually silent
Will exchange only the "how are you?" gesture and remove themselves while the question goes unanswered.
Will do the customary meet and greet with practiced sincerity but remain obviously guarded and impersonal.
Will listen and offer a few questions but remain guarded and will volunteer nothing about themselves.

Will listen and contribute openly.




................

meeting at an old age home "Tavern Night"

"Hello gorgeous, do I come here often?"

Subject: RE: An observation on meeting people
From: gnomad
Date: 26 Mar 06 - 01:19 PM

I find that you decide, using whatever info is available.
If someone remains silent then your decision can only be based upon appearance, expression, body language, and maybe aroma if they get close enough. A call centre worker decides just by a short conversation as no other data can pass.
What seems curious is that having made an initial judgement on very little acquaintance, it takes a long while for any revision of the judgement to "take", somehow the first opinion seems very resistant to change. Love (or hate) at first sight, anyone?

Subject: RE: An observation on meeting people
From: Brass Monkey
Date: 26 Mar 06 - 01:51 PM

It's always great to get back to childhood. Fooling around, I find really sorts the snobs out from the people with a sense of humour. Kids are very quick on the uptake and can really put you in your place. Monkeys sort out the thickies, and animals with large teeth and a fondness for meat could deal with the rest for you.

Subject: RE: An observation on meeting people
From: MBSLynne
Date: 27 Mar 06 - 01:50 AM

The situation I was in was a bit different from social meetings, as people were coming to my stall to buy and to ask about the things, so they didn't really have the option to remain totally silent. They all had to speak to me in some way. Maybe that's why I found particularly noticeable my different reactions to different people.

Thinking back on social meetings and people I've got to know in consequence, physical appearance does have impact to some extent. There are certain things that I find unattractive (and I don't mean the obvious, like unpleasant smell etc). Those things seem to be overcome once I actually do get to know the people, even though my urge to do so is not strong because of them, whereas, this initial impression from no obvious cause seems to stay much longer and be harder to change.

Love Lynne

Subject: RE: An observation on meeting people
From: Paul Burke
Date: 27 Mar 06 - 02:31 AM

I hate cats, and have always done so. The (true) story about the cat that pooed on the mouthpiece of my whistle and I didn't notice in time is just a rationalisation. I try to make this clear, no room for misunderstanding, it's better for everyone that way.

So why is it that whenever I sit down in a room with a cat in it, the blighted beast immediately crawls all over me purring, and if I'm not fast enough settles in for the duration? And why don't humans EVER do anything like the same?

Subject: RE: An observation on meeting people
From: Ebbie
Date: 27 Mar 06 - 03:13 AM

Paul, I'm sure you have met women who insist that everyone take notice of them if not fall in love with them? lol

Years ago I had a Chihuahua and whenever this one friend of mine who was afraid of dogs came over he would do the same thing to her as those pesky cats do to you. My guess is that they are determined to make people change their minds by demonstrating how lovable they are.

Subject: RE: An observation on meeting people
From: MBSLynne
Date: 27 Mar 06 - 04:37 AM

I always found the same with children. Until I had my own, I didn't particularly like children and certainly didn't want any. I had no idea what to do with them. Yet at any gathering, the children always seemed to make a bee-line for me. It doesn't happen any more though now it wouldn't bother me so much. In fact I quite like some children

Love Lynne

Subject: RE: An observation on meeting people
From: Purple Foxx
Date: 27 Mar 06 - 04:53 AM

Paul this is a classic area of human/feline communications failure.
According to Desmond Morris it is because cats hate being stared at.
Cat walks into room & is met by the adoring gaze of cat lovers.
Cat non-lover looks at carpet, ceiling,curtains anything but the cat.
"Oh",thinks Tiddles,"their's one human who really understands our ways, I must go & thank him."
Seems plausible to me, what do you think?

Subject: RE: An observation on meeting people
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 27 Mar 06 - 04:22 PM

We all have an inbuilt mechanism which draws us a particular way based on the framework that we have built in our short lives. Mine went one particular way...yours another. Best wishes, Mike.

Subject: RE: An observation on meeting people
From: autolycus
Date: 27 Mar 06 - 04:31 PM

Haven't read Blink. I remember reading in Sunday Times (Lunnon) in the mid-60s that when two people meet, they exchange something like 2500 bits of information in the first couple of seconds - bit too fast for the ole brain to process on its lonesome.

Ivor

Subject: RE: An observation on meeting people
From: Jerry Rasmussen
Date: 27 Mar 06 - 04:53 PM

Just had a long conversation with someone who is complaining that nobody is sociable and they all reject this person. In the conversation, it was riddled with judgments of other people ... a sure sign for me to start edging for the door. When someone comes off judgmental of others right away I know they're going to be judgmental of me as soon as I'm out of their sight.

And the sooner I'm out of their sight, the better...

Jerry