BS: Pardon me Roy,

Subject: RE: BS: Pardon me Roy,
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 20 Jun 06 - 03:31 AM

Ah... the old favourites...

Now Hans that does dishes is as soft as Gervase, for the mild, green, hairy lipped squid.

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Pardon me Roy,
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 20 Jun 06 - 05:17 AM

So this rare animal was donated to the local zoo, and they couldn't find out what it was, so it was referred to as the rare animal which in time transmogrified into Rarie.
The beast grew at a tremendous rate and soon was too big to fit in any of the zoo enclosures, and was costing too much to feed.
In desperation they decided that it had to go, so they loaded it on a huge transport plane, which flew out over the Pacific.
Once they were up there a crewman opened the cargo doors intending to push the poor beast out, it demurred, looked out of the door, and sang.




It's a long way to tip a rarie!


Ithangyew.

G.

Subject: RE: BS: Pardon me Roy,
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 20 Jun 06 - 07:59 AM

There was this guy who favoured himself as the next 'Le Petomaine'.. his stage act consisted of him passing wind through his lower sphincter in a tuneful manner. He could toot 'La Bamba', the Indian Love Call, 'Stars and Stripes', 'Col Bogey' and many other favourites. As a filler, he would impersonate various items, such as a dog barking, rifle fire, a kitten mewling, a pneumatic drill and, his piece de resistance, a Harley Davidson motorbike.

He took this act all over the world, and they loved him. Many many times he was called upon to do his act in many many countries. He became very rich, women flocked to his side and no request was too much or too bizarre.

Tragically though, in Tokyo, at the climax of his act, something went wrong... Instead of the rich resonant tones of a Harley Davidson, all he produced was a pathetic, whining splutter. He tried again. There was a cough, a squeal and eventually, nothing. In desperation he sought medical advice. He visited all the doctors and clinics he could find in the area, tried all manner of creams, lotions, treatments and medicines, but to no avail, the beautiful sound of a Harley Davidson was beyond him. All he could produce was a clunking, whining sound and then nothing.

At his wits end, he tried alternative therapies. Finally, he appealed to an elderly accupuncturist. The accupuncturist asked him to run through the act, looking thoughtfully at the man when he reached the finale and the pathetic, honking, phut phut sounds that should have been a Harley Davidson. He bade the man lie down over the table and carefully and dilligently inspected his performing sphincter. The accupuncturist selected a long needle from his kit, swabbed the site and inserted the needle. There was a moment of stinging pain and then a feeling of blessed relief. He gave a gentle toot... with confidence he performed 'Old Smokey' and finally, a triumphant, rich, resounding Harley Davidson roar!

"How can I ever thank you?" he exclaimed to the accupuncturist, "That was incredible!! Whatever was the matter? Why couldn't I make the Harley Davidson sound?"

The accupuncturist sucked on his moustache thoughtfully.

"Abcess" he declared.

"Abcess makes the fart go Honda."













I'll get me coat.

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Pardon me Roy,
From: Rapparee
Date: 20 Jun 06 - 09:06 AM

Oh Danny Boy
The pints, the pints are calling
From pub to pub, and in the mountain glen....

Subject: RE: BS: Pardon me Roy,
From: Rapparee
Date: 20 Jun 06 - 09:19 AM

Two scientists were working on the Manhattan Project back during WW2. Now, everyone knows that many different approaches were tried because no one was certain what would eventually work. These two were working on a circular radio wave.

After toiling for months in a tiny, hot, shack in New Mexico one finally jumped up and yelled "Eureka!" He ran to his partner and showed him -- the diagram of a circular radio wave!

"You fool!" said the scientist. "This is not a circular radio wave! This is a naught, a nothing, a zero!" And with that he took the drawing of the circular radio wave, rolled it into a tube and ran it through the pencil sharpener, letting the shards fall to the floor.

They were immediately surrounded by a crowd of carping janitors complaining about the litter. And then, suddenly, there was a blinding flash and the whole area vanished in white heat and a mushroom-shaped cloud!

That's what you get when you have a critical mass at ground zero.

Subject: RE: BS: Pardon me Roy,
From: Tannywheeler
Date: 20 Jun 06 - 09:54 AM

My aunt died 1&ahaff wks ago. We had a memorial service, then, several days later, we had the graveside service at the family plot:
my grandfather&grandmother, his father and youngest sister, his brother, and all 5 of his children(incl. my dad) are there together. I've been "down" for almost 2 weeks. Thank you all for this thread. One of the marks of kinship in this family is the love of laughter. I guess you're all cousins...

I admit that my first response to seeing the thread title was to sing the line "Is THAT the Chattanooga choo-choo?" Azizi, it's a song(not as far back as WWI--since the depression, probably. Someone here probably can direct you to writer/date/history, etc.) about a guy happy to be going home after being gone a while. Because (beginning of another verse)"There's gonna be a certain party at the station--Ribbons & lace--I used to call funny-face..." to whom he will get married and NEVER leave home again, if he can help it.

Gotta go catch my breath. Thanks again...Tw

Subject: RE: BS: Pardon me Roy,
From: Peace
Date: 20 Jun 06 - 10:03 AM

I am sorry to hear about your Aunt, Tw.








Speaking odf old jokes:

. . . and he said, "Forty-seven." The room went completely quiet.

Subject: RE: BS: Pardon me Roy,
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 20 Jun 06 - 10:11 AM

It's the way you tell them Bruce!
G.

Subject: RE: BS: Pardon me Roy,
From: Peace
Date: 20 Jun 06 - 10:12 AM

LOL

Subject: RE: BS: Pardon me Roy,
From: catspaw49
Date: 20 Jun 06 - 10:29 AM

Sorry about your Aunt Tanny. Good idea about the lyrics though.....

This song was done in several versions but the most famous two would be Glenn Miller's and Red Foley's with Miller winning that race going away! Miller had a million seller with this song, sung by his singing group, The Modernaires. There are several sites where you can here it. We have had a several threads on it as well.

CHATTANOOGA CHOO-CHOO
(Harry Warren & Mack Gordon), 1941

Pardon me boy
Is that the Chattanooga Choo-Choo
Track twenty-nine
Boy, you can give me a shine
I can afford
To board the Chattanooga Choo-Choo
I've got my fare
And just a trifle to spare

You leave the Pennsylvania station
'Bout a quarter to four
Read a magazine
And then you're in Baltimore
Dinner in the diner
Nothing could be finer
Than to have your ham and eggs in Carolina

When you hear the whistle blowin'
Eight-to-the-bar
Then you know that Tennessee
Is not very far
Shovel all the coal in
Gotta keep it rollin'
Woo, woo, Chattanooga
There you are

There's gonna be
A certain party at the station
Satin and lace
I used to call funny face
She's gonna cry
Until I tell her that I'll never roam
So Chattanooga Choo-Choo
Won't you choo-choo me home?
So Chattanooga Choo-Choo
Won't you choo-choo me home
Won't you choo-choo me home



Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Pardon me Roy,
From: SINSULL
Date: 20 Jun 06 - 11:40 AM

Someone better explain the Roy Rogers reference for Azizi. (this should be good - 15 versions of the same bad joke).

Subject: RE: BS: Pardon me Roy,
From: Bill D
Date: 20 Jun 06 - 11:58 AM

Now, I REALLY appreciate the "fart go Honda" story LtS provided us with! That was elegant, well set up, and perfectly phrased. It even had that 'it might almost be real' air to it.

Some of the others require awkward, contrived twists of the language to get to a weak punch line.

I know, I know....we use what we find..*grin*...one of the problems of the internet/WWW is that it is WAY too easy to propagate medicore jokes. Sometimes a search will reveal 23 exact replicas of one story...and maybe a couple that have been polished and tweaked to perfection. (my own up there, about the "immortal porpoises", was only 75% of what I remember years ago...I cheated and found one that came close. It is sometimes told using "young gulls" instead of "mynah", which I don't think is nearly as elegant and I have heard it set in a jungle, and stretched and massaged until the audience is hanging on every word...)

anyway, Liz...thanks for a lovely one!

Subject: RE: BS: Pardon me Roy,
From: bobad
Date: 20 Jun 06 - 12:09 PM

For Azizi:

Roy Rogers had just purchased a new set of boots. Going out one day to check on Trigger, Roy stepped in a pile of ... well suffice it to say that Dale told him to leave his boots outside on the porch until he could clean them up. Roy did so and went inside for dinner. In the meantime a cougar wandering around on the property spied the boots, grabbed them up in his mouth and headed for the wilderness. Roy, seeing his new boots heading for the hills, pulled on a pair of old boots, ran out and saddled up Trigger and headed for the hills to cut off the escape path of the cougar. Several hours later Roy returned, new boots in hand and the cougar stretched over the back of Trigger. Dale looking at the scene in front of her said "Pardon me Roy is that the cat that chewed your new shoes?"

BTW peace, that comes from a page appropriately titled "Older Jokes For Older Folks"

Subject: RE: BS: Pardon me Roy,
From: Peace
Date: 20 Jun 06 - 12:34 PM

"What paté? That was my stool sample."

Subject: RE: BS: Pardon me Roy,
From: Peace
Date: 20 Jun 06 - 12:35 PM

Do you think I should have said di Maggio?

Subject: RE: BS: Pardon me Roy,
From: clueless don
Date: 20 Jun 06 - 01:21 PM

I first heard the joke with "Pardon me, Roy, is that the cat who chewed your new shoes?" back in the early 1970's, and I've been telling it ever since.

Perhaps this would be the time to dredge some punchlines from the "My Word" back catalogue:

Our roses arose. Is a row Cicero's?

I think they're for 1 AM.

Wait 'til the nun signs, Shelly.

Never undress to meet the Pa of a woman.


Don

Subject: RE: BS: Pardon me Roy,
From: Peace
Date: 20 Jun 06 - 01:25 PM

Five dollars, just like downtown.

Subject: RE: BS: Pardon me Roy,
From: Cool Beans
Date: 20 Jun 06 - 02:07 PM

I saw that the panties would never fit me, so I took the sports car.

Subject: RE: BS: Pardon me Roy,
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 20 Jun 06 - 02:27 PM

Nut screws washers and bolts.
G..

Subject: RE: BS: Pardon me Roy,
From: Bill D
Date: 20 Jun 06 - 04:26 PM

Thursday's your day in the barrel.

Subject: RE: BS: Pardon me Roy,
From: Azizi
Date: 20 Jun 06 - 04:58 PM

For bobad:

...Several hours later Roy returned, new boots in hand and the cougar stretched over the back of Trigger. Dale looking at the scene in front of her said..

"That's cat's real cool".

Subject: RE: BS: Pardon me Roy,
From: Azizi
Date: 20 Jun 06 - 05:19 PM

Preview is your friend...

Actually what Dale said is "Roy, that cat's real cool".

Subject: RE: BS: Pardon me Roy,
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 20 Jun 06 - 05:20 PM

That's it lads, tea break's over back on your heads!
G

Subject: RE: BS: Pardon me Roy,
From: Rapparee
Date: 20 Jun 06 - 05:33 PM

"Haha! Gotcha again!"

Subject: RE: BS: Pardon me Roy,
From: Micca
Date: 20 Jun 06 - 05:57 PM

There is a very funny book called " The shy Photographer" by Jock Carroll in which the running theme is they only tell the punchlines of jokes, he often uses them or short oneliners as chapter headings also. One of my faves of the latter type was, bearing in mind the "hero" is a photographer " What did you you give the starving old woman on the park bench?"


"1/100th of a second at f11"

Subject: RE: BS: Pardon me Roy,
From: Rapparee
Date: 20 Jun 06 - 08:00 PM

That was no lady, that was my wife!

Subject: RE: BS: Pardon me Roy,
From: NH Dave
Date: 20 Jun 06 - 10:49 PM

During the early days of the Viet Nam War, aircraaft control, and threat warnigs were broadcast from highly tarted out EC-121's, Lockheed Super Constellations. Filled with millions and millions of dollars of radar and electronic gear allowing them to see most of the North Vietnamese fighter aircraft flying down in the dirt, to escape detection, and then zooming up to the altitude of the inbound fighter bombers from bases in South Viet Nam, Thailand, and carriers out in the South China Sea. These piston engined and propeller driven relics of WWII and Korea flew in great circles out over the South China Sea, day in and day out, managing fighter forces and warning them of threats from SAMs and Migs attacking them from behind and below. Needless to say, this duty never endeared itself to the men actually doing these body numbing flights, day in and day out, which may have been one reason they sang this song to a familiar tune.

Expicalifragilistic Super Constellation,
If you fly it long enough it'll give you constipation.
McNamara thought it up in a fit of inspiration.
Expicalifragilistic Super Constellation.

Dave

Subject: RE: BS: Pardon me Roy,
From: Cool Beans
Date: 21 Jun 06 - 09:27 AM

So I bit him!

Subject: RE: BS: Pardon me Roy,
From: Peace
Date: 21 Jun 06 - 09:32 AM

Good trade.

Subject: RE: BS: Pardon me Roy,
From: Rapparee
Date: 21 Jun 06 - 09:36 AM

I can see your house from up here!

Subject: RE: BS: Pardon me Roy,
From: Peace
Date: 21 Jun 06 - 09:56 AM

I was talking to the dog.

Subject: RE: BS: Pardon me Roy,
From: clueless don
Date: 21 Jun 06 - 11:34 AM

I didn't say she was crazy ...

Subject: RE: BS: Pardon me Roy,
From: Rapparee
Date: 21 Jun 06 - 11:38 AM

No, but her aim is improving.

Subject: RE: BS: Pardon me Roy,
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 21 Jun 06 - 12:50 PM

Because one of it's legs is both the same!
G.

Subject: RE: BS: Pardon me Roy,
From: Peace
Date: 21 Jun 06 - 01:21 PM

. . . because he was stapled to the chicken.

Subject: RE: BS: Pardon me Roy,
From: BuckMulligan
Date: 21 Jun 06 - 02:08 PM

and the butler stuck his dick in the mashed potatoes.


If anyone knows the joke that goes with that punchline, I'd be grateful to learn it. I read it, punchline only, in a humor collection by H. Allen Smith, over 40 years ago.

Subject: RE: BS: Pardon me Roy,
From: Peace
Date: 21 Jun 06 - 07:38 PM

It's a good thing no one stepped in it.

Subject: RE: BS: Pardon me Roy,
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 22 Jun 06 - 03:51 AM

Ah no... but I could have done!

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Pardon me Roy,
From: Rapparee
Date: 22 Jun 06 - 08:47 AM

I like neither the gleam in your eye nor the tilt of your kilt.

Subject: RE: BS: Pardon me Roy,
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 22 Jun 06 - 09:07 AM

Put your hand up again, it's grew some more!
G

Subject: RE: BS: Pardon me Roy,
From: Peace
Date: 22 Jun 06 - 09:48 AM

"and the butler stuck his dick in the mashed potatoes.


If anyone knows the joke that goes with that punchline, I'd be grateful to learn it. I read it, punchline only, in a humor collection by H. Allen Smith, over 40 years ago."

Buck, I'm stuck on this one.

Subject: RE: BS: Pardon me Roy,
From: Peace
Date: 22 Jun 06 - 09:52 AM

2. mashed potatoes

Mashed potatoes at a party. Part of a larger expression of derision.

"Shit... if I knew it was going to be THAT kind of party, I would have stuck my dick in the mashed potatoes!"

Subject: RE: BS: Pardon me Roy,
From: Rapparee
Date: 22 Jun 06 - 03:58 PM

Well, doc, if you think it'll help I'll dye it.

Subject: RE: BS: Pardon me Roy,
From: frogprince
Date: 22 Jun 06 - 04:12 PM

Why, what color is it now?

Subject: RE: BS: Pardon me Roy,
From: Peace
Date: 22 Jun 06 - 04:13 PM

Don't have to worry. Fall off in two week.

Subject: RE: BS: Pardon me Roy,
From: Bill D
Date: 22 Jun 06 - 04:58 PM

"Nothing queer about Carruthers!"

"But, sir...the men use her to ride to town!"

Subject: RE: BS: Pardon me Roy,
From: Peace
Date: 22 Jun 06 - 05:00 PM

Does that calf have a mother?

Subject: RE: BS: Pardon me Roy,
From: Rapparee
Date: 22 Jun 06 - 05:25 PM

No, I mean just now.

Subject: RE: BS: Pardon me Roy,
From: Paco Rabanne
Date: 23 Jun 06 - 05:57 AM

99.

Subject: RE: BS: Pardon me Roy,
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 23 Jun 06 - 06:02 AM

Well well