BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010
From: Donuel
Date: 05 Apr 11 - 07:03 PM

Dangerous Addiction

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010
From: Desert Dancer
Date: 05 Apr 11 - 07:00 PM

Wrong year, Peter the Squeezer! (for the thread, maybe the joke, too)

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010
From: Peter the Squeezer
Date: 05 Apr 11 - 05:40 PM

A Scottish couple decided to go to Spain to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Glasgow and flew to Barcelona on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Blackpool , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who died following a heart attack.
The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:


To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2008

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.
I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that
Everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Bloody hot down here

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 03 Oct 10 - 10:03 AM

I more or less started creating these 'numbered Joke threads' some time ago - and linking them together - there were complaints that

1) people couldn't find the jokes cause they were in all sorts of thread names
2) threads over 100 posts were not liked, but Mudcat can handle that now....

I have been busy lately, and some others took it over informally for a while...

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 03 Oct 10 - 03:08 AM

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Texas when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"
Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASApage on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany.
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a senator in Obama's Government", says Bud.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?""No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. ...

Now give me back my dog.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010
From: Jeri
Date: 03 Jul 10 - 06:28 PM

Can people not figure out how to click the flippin' NUMBER??!! Or the flippin 'd' (for descending)??!!?!

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 03 Jul 10 - 06:05 PM

This first 2010 Joke Thread is too long now.

Let's put new jokes in the Second Joke Thread of 2010.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010
From: Naemanson
Date: 28 Jun 10 - 08:12 PM

I remember a short story, probably by Arthur C. Clarke, where some researchers fed all the jokes they could find into a computer to analyze the origin and elements of humor. In the end of the story they realize that by knowing what is funny they have banished all humor from the earth.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010
From: GUEST,ibo
Date: 28 Jun 10 - 02:27 PM

Polish immigrants? i tried but they still never came up shiney

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 27 Jun 10 - 03:43 PM

"Recommended for Stress Relief"

Sit quietly and inhale deeply and slowly through
your nose. Exhale slowly.

Picture yourself near a stream.

Birds are softly chirping in the crisp cool mountain
air. Nothing can bother you here.

No one knows this secret place.

The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the
air with a cascade of serenity.

The water is clear.

You breathe deeply.

You can easily make out the face of the person
whose head you're holding under the water.

Look. It's the person who caused you all this stress
in the first place.

What a pleasant surprise.

You let him up ... just for a quick breath ...
then ploop! ...

Back under he goes.

You allow yourself to take as many deep breaths
as you want.

There now ... feeling better?

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 21 Jun 10 - 09:57 AM

"Little Johnny and Joshua"


The new Pastor decided to visit the children's Sunday
School. The teacher introduced him and said, "Pastor,
this morning we're studying Joshua."

"That's wonderful," said the new Pastor, "Let's see what
you're learning. Who tore down the walls of Jericho?"

Little Johnny shyly raised hand and offered, "Pastor,
I didn't do it."

Taken aback the Pastor asked, "Come on, now, who tore
down the walls of Jericho?"

Teacher, interrupting, said, "Pastor, Little Johnny's a good
boy. If he says he didn't do it, I believe he didn't do it."

Flustered, the Pastor went to the Sunday School director
and related the story to him.

The Director looking worried, explained, "Well, sir,
we've had some problems with Johnny before. Let me
talk to him and see what we can do."

Really bothered now, by the answers of the teacher
and the director, the new pastor approached the
deacons and related the whole story, including the
responses of the teacher and the director.

A white-haired gentleman thoughtfully stroked his chin
and said, "Well, Pastor, I move we just take the money
from the general fund to pay for the walls and leave
it at that."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 20 Jun 10 - 10:44 AM

"Adventures"

During one "generation gap" quarrel with his
parents young Michael cried, "I want excitement,
adventure, money, and beautiful women! I'll never
find it here, so I'm leaving. Don't try to stop me."

With that he headed toward the door.

His father rose and followed him close behind.

"Didn't you hear what I said? I don't want you
to try to stop me."

"Who's trying to stop you?" replied the father.
If you wait a minute, I'll go with you."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 17 Jun 10 - 12:08 PM

"Medical Orders for a Serious Injury"

On a busy Med/Surg floor the doctor stopped the nurse
to brief her on a patient's condition. "This patient is
a fellow physician and my favorite golf partner. His
injury is serious and I fear he will not be able to play
golf again unless you follow my orders exactly."

The doctor then began listing orders:

"You must give an injection in a different location every
twenty minutes followed by a second injection exactly
five minutes after the first.

"He must take two pills at exactly every hour followed
by one pill every fifteen minutes for eight hours.

"He must drink no more and no less than ten ounces of
water every twenty-five minutes and must void between.

"Soak his arm in warm water for fifteen minutes then
place ice for ten minutes and repeat over and over
for the rest of the day.

"Give range of motion every thirty minutes.

"He requires a back rub and foot rub every hour.

"Feed him something tasty every hour.

"Be cheerful and do whatever he asks at all times.

"Chart his condition and vital signs every twenty minutes.

"You must do these things exactly as I ordered or his
injuries will not heal properly, and he will not able to play
golf well."

The nurse left the doctor and entered the patient's
room. She was greeted by anxious family and an
equally anxious patient. All asked the nurse what
the doctor had said about the patient.

The nurse started, "The doctor said that you will live."

Then quickly reviewing the orders, the nurse added,

"But you will have to learn a new sport."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 16 Jun 10 - 01:04 PM

First joke I was ever told by charming little girl at school at age 5:~~

This lady goes into a pet shop and says to the pet shop man "I want a parrot that talks." The pet shop man says "This parrot talks. Ten shillings please". So the lady gives him ten shillings and takes the parrot home.

The lady comes back next day and says "That parrot I bought yesterday doesn't talk." The pet shop man says "Go home and stick a fork up the parrot's bum." So the lady goes home and sticks a fork up the parrot's bum and the parrot says "Who's that sticking a fork up my bum?"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 15 Jun 10 - 04:04 PM

"The Blonde Riddle"

A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a National Organization for
Women gathering, and his blonde hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease.

"Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect
whether or not an individual is mentally challenged who appears
to be completely normal?"

"Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask him a simple question
which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates,
that puts you on the track."

"What sort of question?"

"Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around
the world and died during one of them. Which one?'"

The blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh,
"You wouldn't happen to have another example, would you? I
must confess I don't know much about history."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 14 Jun 10 - 07:57 PM

"The Blonde Secretary"

The boss was very exasperated with his new secretary.
Among other things, she always ignored the telephone
when it rang.

"Donna, you must answer the telephone," he told her
irritably.

"All right," she replied, "but it seems so silly. Nine
times out of ten, it's for you!"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010
From: Joe_F
Date: 08 Jun 10 - 04:48 PM

That story is more often told about Calvin Coolidge & his wife on a tour of a chicken farm. As a result, the phenomenon alluded to (that, among sexually reproducing animals, a male that has been satiated by one female can commonly be aroused again by another female) is called the Coolidge effect.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 07 Jun 10 - 06:27 PM

My wife and I went to the state fair and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ...Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year.'

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,


''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'


My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a week! ..........You could learn a lot from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,

THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'


My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, 'That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow every time.'

My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable, and I should eventually make a full recovery.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010
From: GUEST
Date: 05 Jun 10 - 09:18 AM

Paddy and Mick are walking past the Lumber Company and notice a sign..."Tree Fellers Wanted" Paddy says to Mick ,he says..."Jasus Mary and Joseph! If we only had Seamus with us we could get a job!"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010
From: katlaughing
Date: 05 Jun 10 - 12:43 AM

My friend called to say we no longer need to use charcoal for BBQs and such. Seems BP is marketing "oil balls" now.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010
From: Joe_F
Date: 04 Jun 10 - 08:44 PM

"That is true, but it is not important."
"Importance is not important. Truth is."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010
From: Tannywheeler
Date: 04 Jun 10 - 10:28 AM

From Texas: RICK PERRY. Tw

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010
From: Joe_F
Date: 03 Jun 10 - 08:08 PM

Many are born impatient; the lucky ones become cabdrivers.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 03 Jun 10 - 08:43 AM

"Exercise"

My first night as a YMCA member I went to the
exercise room to try out the stair-step machine.

"Shall I set it for ten or twenty minutes?"
asked the attendant.

"Make it ten," I replied conservatively.

After just a few minutes, though, my legs felt like
lead. I had had enough. As I stepped off the
machine, I limped past some men who were
resting from their workouts.

"I could take only three minutes on that thing,"
I gasped.

"Okay," snapped one. "Stop bragging about it."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 02 Jun 10 - 09:40 AM

"Yugo vs Rolls-Royce"

A guy driving a Yugo pulls up at a stoplight next to a
Rolls-Royce. The driver of the Yugo rolls down his
window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, "Hey,
buddy, that's a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls?
I've got one in my Yugo!"

The driver of Rolls looks over and says simply, "Yes I
have a phone."

The driver of the Yugo says, "Cool! Hey, you got a fridge
in there too? "I've got a fridge in the back seat of my Yugo!"

The driver of the Rolls, looking annoyed, says, "Yes, I have
a refrigerator."

The driver of the Yugo says, "That's great, man! Hey, you
got a TV in there, too? You know, I got a TV in the back seat
of my Yugo!"

The driver of the Rolls, looking very annoyed by now, says,
"Of course I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest
luxury car in the world!"

The driver of the Yugo says, "Very cool car! Hey, you got
a bed in there, too? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!"

Upset that he did not have a bed, the driver of the Rolls-
Royce sped away, and went straight to the dealer, where
he promptly ordered that a bed be installed in the back of
the Rolls.

The next morning, the driver of the Rolls picked up the car,
and the bed looked superb, complete with silk sheets and
brass trim. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls Royce.

So the driver of the Rolls begins searching for the Yugo,
and he drove all day. Finally, late at night, he finds the Yugo
parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside.

The driver of the Rolls got out and knocked on the Yugo.
When there wasn't any answer, he knocked and knocked,
and eventually the owner stuck his head out, soaking wet.

"I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce," the
driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly.

The driver of the Yugo looked at him and said, "You got me
out of the shower for that??"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010
From: Beer
Date: 27 May 10 - 07:31 PM

This was sent to me today by e-mail and I just had to share it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UHUjnWVsYc0

Beer(adrien)

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010
From: Bert
Date: 27 May 10 - 02:08 PM

Uncle DaveO this is supposed to be a JOKE thread.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 27 May 10 - 08:57 AM

"Why Men Can't Win"

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing
bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's
exploitation.

If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you
should get off your butt and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual
harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're insensitive.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're
a chauvinist pig, you bastard.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's
a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's
domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist.
If you're not, you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore,
and you must be sleeping around.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 23 May 10 - 08:30 PM

"Doggy Definitions"

LEASH:

A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you
to lead your person where you want him/her to go.

DOG BED:

Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread
in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in
the living room.

DROOL:

Is what you do when your persons have food and you
don't. To do this properly you must sit as close as you
can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or
better yet, on their laps.

SNIFF:

A social custom to use when you greet other dogs.
Place your nose as close as you can to the other dog's
rear end and inhale deeply, repeat several times, or until
your person makes you stop. This can also be done to
human's crotches.

GARBAGE CAN:

A container which your neighbors put out once a week
to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs
and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right
you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef
bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.

BICYCLES:

Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to
control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you
must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly
and run alongside for a few yards; the person then
swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance
away.

DEAFNESS:

This is a malady which affects dogs when their person
want them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms
include staring blankly at the person, then running in
the opposite direction, or lying down.

THUNDER:

This is a signal that the world is coming to an end.
Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms,
so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling
uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and
following at their heels.

WASTEBASKET:

This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old
candy wrappers. When you get bored, turn over the
basket and strew the papers all over the house until
your person comes home.

SOFAS:

Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating
it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa
and wipe your whiskers clean.

BATH:

This is a process by which the humans drench the floor,
walls and themselves. You can help them by shaking
vigorously and frequently.

BUMP:

The best way to get your human's attention when they
are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.

GOOSE BUMP:

A maneuver to use as a last resort when the Regular
Bump doesn't get the attention you require.....
especially effective when combined with The Sniff.
(See above.)

LOVE:

Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without
restriction. The best way you can show your love is to
wag your tail. If you're lucky, a human will love you in
return. If not, you can always sniff their crotches.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 21 May 10 - 09:17 AM

"Drinking Problem"

Harry had a bit of a drinking problem.

Every night, after dinner, he took off for the local
watering hole. He spent the whole evening there,
and arrived home, well inebriated, around midnight
each night.

He always had trouble getting his key into the
keyhole, and getting the door opened. His wife,
waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him
in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at
him, for his constant nights out, and coming home
in a drunken state. But, Harry continued his nightly
routine.

One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her
husband's behavior, and was particularly distraught
by it all.

The friend listened to her, and then said, "Why don't
you treat him a little differently when he comes home?
Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some
loving words, and welcome him home with a kiss? He
then might change his ways." The wife thought it was
worth trying.

That night, Harry took off again, after dinner. And,
about midnight, he arrived home, in his usual condition.
His wife heard him at the door, quickly went to it,
opened the door, and let Harry in.

This time, instead of berating him, as she had always
done, she took his arm, and led him into the living room.
She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on
the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went
behind him, and started to cuddle him a little. After a
while, she said to him, "It's pretty late. I think we had
better go upstairs to bed now, don't you?"

At that, Harry replied, in his inebriated state, "I guess
we might as well. I'll get in trouble when I get home
anyway!"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010
From: Raggytash
Date: 20 May 10 - 06:11 PM

30 year campaign for unity? Must have been reading the wrong history, thought it was a tad longer than that.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010
From: GUEST,keith A o Hertford
Date: 20 May 10 - 10:16 AM

Simple Guide To Ireland.

Ireland is an island to the west of Britain but Northern Ireland is just off the mainland - not the Irish mainland, the British mainland.

The capital of Ireland is Dublin.    It has a population of a million people, all of whom will be shopping in Newry this afternoon.    They travel to Newry because it is in the North, which is not part of Ireland, but still pay in Euros.

Under the Irish constitution, the North used to be in Ireland , but a successful 30-year campaign of violence for Irish unity ensured that it is now definitely in the UK . Had the campaign lasted longer the North might now be in France .Belfast is the capital of Northern Ireland . It has a population of half a million, half of whom have houses in Donegal.      Donegal is in the north but not in the North. It is in the South.    No, not the south, the South.

There are two parliaments in Ireland . The Dublin parliament is called the Dáil, (pronounced "Doyle"), an Irish word meaning a place where banks receive taxpayers' money.The one in Belfast is called Stormont, an Anglo-Saxon word meaning placebo, or deliberately ineffective drug.

Their respective jurisdictions are defined by the border, an imaginary line on the map to show fuel launderers where to dump chemical waste.

Protestants are in favour of the border, which generates millions of pounds in smuggling for Catholics, who are opposed to it.

Travel between the two states is complicated because Ireland is the only country in the world with two M1 motorways. The one in the North goes west to avoid the south and the one in the South goes north to avoid the price of drink.

We have two types of democracy in Ireland . Dublin democracy works by holding a referendum and then allowing the government to judge the result.    If the government thinks the result is wrong, the referendum
is held again. Twice in recent years the government decided thepeople's choice was wrong and ordered a new referendum.

Belfast democracy works differently. It has a parliament with no opposition, so the government is always right. This system generates envy in many world capitals, especially Dublin .

Ireland has three economies - northern, southern and black. Only the black economy is in the black. The other two are in the red.


All versions of the IRA claim to be the real IRA but only one of them is the Real IRA. The North's biggest industry is the production of IRAs. Consequently, we now have the Official,Provisional, Continuity and Real IRA. The Real IRA is by far the most popular among young graffiti writers simply because it is the easiest to spell.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 14 May 10 - 09:26 AM

Tetris in Hell (cartoon)

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 13 May 10 - 06:29 PM

"True/False Exam"

This blond fellow reports for his University final examination
that consists of Y/N type questions.

He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at
the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit
of inspiration takes his wallet out, removes a coin
and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer
sheet, Y for Heads and N for Tails.

Within half an hour he is all done whereas the rest
of the class is sweating it out. During the last few
minutes, he is seen desperately throwing the coin,
swearing and sweating.

The moderator, alarmed, approaches him and asks
what is going on.

"I finished the exam in half an hour. But," he says,
"I'm not going to to be able to finish rechecking my answers!"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 13 May 10 - 07:38 AM

"Zoo Employment"

This guy needs a job and decides to apply at the zoo.
As it happened, their star attraction, a gorilla, had
passed away the night before and they had carefully
preserved his hide. They tell this guy that they'll pay
him well if he would dress up in the gorilla's skin and
pretend to be the gorilla so people will keep coming to
the zoo.

Well, the guy has his doubts, but Hey! He needs the
money, so he puts on the skin and goes out into the
cage. The people all cheer to see him. He plays up to
the audience and they just eat it up. This isn't so bad,
he thinks, and he starts really putting on a show,
jumping around, beating his chest and roaring, swinging
around.

During one acrobatic attempt, though, he loses his
balance and crashes through some safety netting,
landing square in the middle of the lion cage! As he lies
there stunned, the lion roars. He's terrified and starts
screaming, "Help, Help, Help!"

The lion races over to him, places his paws on his chest
and hisses, "Shut up or we'll BOTH lose our jobs!"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010
From: Desert Dancer
Date: 12 May 10 - 12:05 PM

In the NY Times: Strange Signs From Abroad (a slideshow).

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 12 May 10 - 10:14 AM

"Lonely Frog"

A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked
what his future holds.

His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: "You are going
to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know
everything about you."

The frog is thrilled, "This is great!

"Will I meet her at a party?" he croaks.

"No," says the psychic, "in biology class."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 12 May 10 - 04:30 AM

One from Spike Miligan:

New house of ill-repute opens offering:
Deluxe deal or Economy deal
Deluxe deal is a night of continental sex with a full English breakfast
Economy deal is a night of English sex followed by a Continental breakfast.

RtS

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 11 May 10 - 09:16 PM

"Listening Indian"

Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his
stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the
cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see
that Indian?"

"Yeah," says the other cowboy.

"Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the
ground. He can hear things for miles in any
direction."

Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon,"
he says, "about two miles away. Have two horses,
one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, furniture
in wagon."

"Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This
Indian knows how far away they are, how many
horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon,
and what is in the wagon. Amazing!"

The Indian looks up and says, "Yep, they ran
over me about a half hour ago."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010
From: katlaughing
Date: 13 Apr 10 - 01:53 PM

WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.’

The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'

Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'

Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says, 'HEBREWS'

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010
From: Joe_F
Date: 12 Apr 10 - 08:36 PM

A man was trying to launch a kite in his front yard. There was a stiff breeze, but every time he let the kite go, it nosedived. His wife watched him from the porch, and shouted "You need a little more tail". He shouted back "Make up your mind! Last night you told me to go fly a kite".

*

"Have the police found the missing oscilloscope?"
"No, but they say they have a couple of leads."
"Oh. I hope this doesn't trigger a sweep of the neighborhood."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010
From: Michael
Date: 12 Apr 10 - 10:27 AM

--and where the WC was is now a great big hole: The Police are looking in to it.

Mike

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 12 Apr 10 - 06:16 AM

There has been a robbery at the local police station. Thieves have stolen the WC. The police say they have nothing to go on.

~Michael~

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010
From: GUEST,Neil D
Date: 07 Apr 10 - 11:35 AM

I was driving in the country and I saw a small boy walking down the road with a fishing pole. I said "I see you're going fishing." He said "Yep". "Got worms", I asked. He said "Yeah, but I'm going anyway".

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 06 Apr 10 - 01:17 PM

Opening his front door, the Rabbi found himself face to face with the local priest. "Rabbi, may I have a few words with you?" asked the priest. "Of course, Father," replied the Rabbi somewhat nervously.

"Rabbi," began the priest, "It must be evident to you that in this town we are plagued by thieves. Scarcely a day passes without one of my flock coming to me bemoaning the fact that his house has been broken into. On the other hand, I have noticed that thieves do not bother you Jews nearly as much."

"Father, you are correct." "Yes, but why is that?" inquired the priest.

"Look at this little box here on the side of my door post," said the Rabbi. "It's called a mezuzah. We Jews believe that when we put a mezuzah on the entrances to our houses, the Holy One, may His Name be blessed, protects both us and our property."

"In that case", replied the priest, "I must have one!"

Not wishing to be the cause of an incipient pogrom, the Rabbi reluctantly handed over a mezuzah to the priest.

Some two weeks later the Rabbi was awakened by the sound of someone pounding violently on his door. Dressing himself hastily, he made his way down the stairs. "Who's there?" the Rabbi asked tremulously.

"Open the door! Open the door!" screamed a voice on the other side. Leaving the door on the chain, the Rabbi racked the door wide enough to see the priest standing in front of him, his eyes wild with great distress.

"What happened?" asked the terrified Rabbi. "Were you not protected from robbers?"

"I was! But these people were worse than robbers!" screamed the priest.

"Who?" asked the rabbi.

"Fundraisers! "

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 05 Apr 10 - 10:30 PM

It was the school holidays in Oldmeldrum and eight year old Jeannie was more than a bit fed up.

"Mither, can I tak' the dug for a wa'k aroon the park?" she enquired.

"Na, at's nae on ava. The dug's in heat," came the reply.

"Fit diz that mean – in heat?" persisted Jeannie.

"Awa' an' speir at yir faither. He's muckin' oot the byre."

So, Jeannie goes out to the byre and says, "Fadder, I'm needin' tae tak the dug for a wa'k aroon the park, but mither says it's in heat and tae hae a newsy tae you aboot it."

Her father thought for a while then said, "Bring the dug o'er here."

He took a cloth, dipped it in diesel and rubbed the dog's rear end with it. "Okay, awa' ye ging, but keep her on o' a leash an' jist gin roon' the park aince."

Jeannie left but within a few minutes she had re-appeared with the leash, but no dog.

"Fit's happened? Far's the dug?" asked her father excitedly.

"Weel," said Jeannie, "she seemed tae rin out o' diesel nae far doon the road and anither dug is shovin' her hame."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 05 Apr 10 - 07:52 AM

Grandma Goes To Court

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi Grandma a question they aren't prepared to answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness... a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her and asked "Mrs. Jones, do you know me??".

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams". I've known you since you were a boy... and frankly, you are a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people, and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot, when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you".

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence attorney??".

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him".

The defence attorney nearly died.

Suddenly, the judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench... and in a very quiet voice, warned them:

"If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair"!!

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010
From: Naemanson
Date: 31 Mar 10 - 06:08 AM

Along the lines of the senior citizen and his new wife...

A little one from downeast. Just imagine Kendall's accent and you'll do fine.

Morning, Ezra.

Morning.

I hear you're getting married to Thelma Coffin.

Ayuh.

She's a mite on the heavy side ain't she?

Ayuh, she runs about 370 pounds but I figure she'll be warmth in the winter and shade in the summer.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 31 Mar 10 - 03:26 AM

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty..'

One more. . .......!

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 30 Mar 10 - 11:37 PM

(Reminded of this by Breathy Girl Singers thread above) ~~~

Doctor: Big breaths.

Patient: Yeth; and I'm only 14.