BS: First Joke Thread for 2004

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: Cluin
Date: 17 Feb 04 - 12:30 PM

A jumbo jet is just coming into the Toronto Airport on it's final approach. The pilot's voice comes over the intercom:
   "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto."
   However, he forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear the conversation in the cockpit...

   Co-pilot: "Well, Skipper, what are your plans for the night in Toronto?"

   Pilot: "Firstly, I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a great big stinky dump! Then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the big tits out for dinner. I'll wine her and dine her, then I plan to take her back to my room and bang her all night long."

   Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisles trying to get a look at the new stewardess. But she is at the very back of the plane. She's so embarrassed that she starts to run to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's carry-on bag and down she goes.
   The old lady leans over and says, "No need to hurry dear. He says he's gotta have a shit first."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 09 Feb 04 - 08:17 PM

Understanding Hoosier Culture 101

* Know the state casserole.*
The state casserole consists of canned green beans, Campbell's cream ofmushroom soup and dried onions. You can take this casserole to any social event and know you'll be accepted.

* Get used to food festivals.*
The Indiana General Assembly, in an effort to grow bigger athletes, passed legislation years ago requiring every incorporated community to have atleast one festival per year dedicated to a high-fat food. It's your duty as a Hoosier to attend these festivals and buy at least one elephant ear.

* Know the geography.*
Of Florida, that is. There are Hoosiers who couldn't tell you where Evansville is but they know the exact distance from Fort Myers to
Bonita Springs. That's because all Hoosiers go to Florida in the winter. Or plan to when they retire. Or are related to retired Hoosiers who have a place in Sarasota. Hoosiers consider Florida the Lower Peninsula of Indiana. If you can't afford to spend the winter in Florida, use the state excuse ... you stay here because you enjoy the change of season. You'll be lying, but that's OK. We've all done it.


* Speaking of Indiana weather, wear layers or die.*
The thing to remember about Indiana seasons is they can occur at any time. We have spring-like days in January and wintery weekends in October. April is capable of providing a sampling of all four seasons in a single 24-hour period. For these reasons, Indiana is the Layering Capital of the World. Even layering can pose danger. Golfers have been known to dress for hypothermia and end up dead of heat stroke because they couldn't strip off the layers of plaid fast enough on a changeable spring morning.

* Don't take Indiana place names literally.*
If a town has the same name as a foreign city--Valparaiso and Versailles, for example--you must not pronounce them the way foreigners do, lest you come under suspicion as a spy. Also, East Enterprise has no counterpart on the west side of the state. South Bend is in the north. North Vernon is in the south and French Lick isn't what you think, either.

* Become mulch literate.*
Hoosiers love mulch and appreciate its subtle differences. Learn the difference between hardwood, cypress and pine bark at least. Researchers think the state affinity for mulch derives from its relatively flat terrain. People have a subconscious need for topography, and when it can't be supplied naturally, they're more likely to make little mulch hills in their front yards.

* You gotta know sports.*
In order to talk sports with fans in Indiana, you have to be knowledgeable on threelevels--professional, college and high school. The Indiana sports fan knows not only the name of the hotshot center at Abercrombie and Fitch High School, but also what colleges he's interested in, how much he bench-presses, who he took to the prom, and what he got on his biology quiz last week.

* Remember that Hoosiers are never first to embrace trends.*
When they do embrace them, they do so with Midwestern pragmatism. For example, if you see a Hoosier with a nose ring, there's a good chance he's had it undercoated to guard against rust.

*The best way to sell something in Indiana is to attach the term "Amish" to it.* The product need not be genuinely Amish. This would explain the existence of Amish moo shu pork.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM INDIANA WHEN:
* You think the state Bird is Larry.
* You can say "French Lick" without laughing.
* There's a college near you named "Ball State."
* You know Batesville is the casket-making capital of the world and you're proud of it.
* You could never figure out spring ahead-fall back, so screw Daylight Savings Time!
* Your feelings get hurt when someone points out the acronym for Purdue University is PU.
* You know several people who've hit a deer.
* Down south to you means "Kentucky".
* You have no problem spelling or pronouncing Terre Haute.
* Your school classes were canceled because of cold.
* Your school classes were canceled because of heat.
* You know what the phrase "knee-high by the 4th of July" means.
* You've heard of Euchre, you know how to play Euchre, and you are a master of Euchre.
* You've seen a running car with nobody in it in the parking lot of the grocery store, no matter what time of year it is.
* Detassling was your first job. Bailing hay, your second. Or you could stack hay, swim in the pond to clean off and then have the strength to play a couple of games of hoops, all in the same barn lot on the same day.
* You say things like cattywampus and kittycorner and know what they mean.
* You install security lights on your house and garage, then leave them both unlocked.
* You carry jumper cables in your car.
* You drink pop. You catch frogs at the crick. If you want someone to hear you, you holler at 'em.
* You know that baling wire was the predecessor to duct tape.
* You know that strangers are the only ones who come to your front door.
* Kids and dogs ride in the passenger seats of cars and the backs of pickups.
* You think nothing of driving on the roads and being stuck behind a farmimplement in spring and fall. You just hope it's not a hog truck or a manure spreader.
* High school basketball games draw bigger crowds on the weekend than movie theaters.
* Driving is better in winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
* The local paper covers national and international headlines on one page but requires six for local sports.
* You can repeat the scores of the last eight NBA games, but unless the MVP is a Hoosier, you're not sure who he is.
* You can see at least two basketball hoops from your yard.
* You can name every one of Bobby Knight's exploits over the last few years.
* The biggest question of your youth was IU or Purdue.
* Indianapolis is the BIG CITY.
* Getting stuck by a train is a legitimate excuse for being late to school or work.
* Everyone knows who the town cops are, where they live, and whether they're at home or on duty.
* You've been to the Covered Bridge Festival. And you took back roads to get there. Why sit in traffic?
* To you, tenderloin is not an expensive cut of beef, but a big, salty, breaded, fried piece of pork served on a bun.
* You end your sentences with prepositions, as in "Where's it at?" or "Where's he going to?"

If you're a Hoosier or have Hoosier roots you'll have found everything mentioned perfectly normal.

Dave Oesterreich, reporting from Indianapolis

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 08 Feb 04 - 05:48 AM

Flight Attendant

    An airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks.

    As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvel has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super."

    On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

    She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."

    To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I out-rank you. Tray-up, b*tch!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 06 Feb 04 - 06:45 PM

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done, there were three finalists...two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men aside. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. "Kill her!!!"

"You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.

She wiped the sweat from her brow, "This gun is loaded with blanks", she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

MORAL : women always do their job properly.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: SueB
Date: 05 Feb 04 - 12:46 PM

Thank you, DaveO - I'm old enough to remember coming home from school in the afternoon and watching Hollywood Squares with my grandmother. Takes me back. Paul Lynde was great as the voice of Templeton the rat in Charlotte's Web, too.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 05 Feb 04 - 09:33 AM

The Army is supplied with a big brand new computer to support decision making on the battlefield. For weeks the Input Platoon is hammering away at their keyboards all data available: Forces, own, allied and enemy, the units down to the last platoon, reserves, gear, tanks, guns, planes, ammo of all calibres, missiles, commanding officers' talents, sucesses and failures, all own, allied, enemy and so on.
Finally the work is done. All are awaiting the fast and final decisions. The general presses the decision button.
The computer hums a little bit, and then - clickety click - out comes a little sheet: "YES".
Baffled silence. The general asks: "Yes, what?" and the operator puts it in.
The computer hums a little bit, and then - clickety click ... clickety click - out comes a little sheet: "YES, SIR".

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 04 Feb 04 - 03:49 PM

OK, I know these are old, but they age nicely......

THE ORIGINAL HOLLYWOOD SQUARES

If you remember The Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this will bring a tear to your eyes.These great questions and answers are from the days when "Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous and clever, not scripted and (often)dull as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a   woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is       politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the CampFireGirls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is their anything wrong with getting into the habit   of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo!
      Poo!" What does this mean?
A. George Gobel: Cattle crossing.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what   was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has   actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and Laugh

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: Dead Horse
Date: 04 Feb 04 - 02:20 PM

Apparantly Shipman was very fond of apples.
His last words were "I could murder a Granny Smith"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: GUEST,Guest
Date: 04 Feb 04 - 04:47 AM

Just heard that they are making a film about Dr Harold Shipman (serial killer in UK) to be called 'The Old Dear Hunter'

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 04 Feb 04 - 02:47 AM

In the good old days of the Prussian Army, about 1900.
On parade ground:
- This man! Where are you coming from?
- I have dined, Sergeant Major.
- Nonsense! His Majesty dines! I eat! You feed!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: GUEST,JTT
Date: 01 Feb 04 - 07:12 PM

(Only understandable to Irish Catters in its present form: translate for local conditions.)

The war is going on in Bosnia and refugees are rushed all over Europe. One little Bosnian kid is in Limerick, and he rings his ma at home.

"Ma," he says, "I played a football match for the school!"

"Son, your sister has been raped. I have no time for this."

"But Ma, I scored the winning goal!"

"Your brother has been stabbed. Don't talk to me about goals."

"But Ma, I scored a *hat trick*!"

"Your father has been raped *and* shot. Leave me alone."

"But Ma, it's not *my* fault!"

"It was you that wanted to move to Limerick."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: Amos
Date: 01 Feb 04 - 02:31 PM

THE YEAR'S BEST [ACTUAL] HEADLINES OF 2003:


Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Crack Found on Governor's Daughter

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect homicide

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: Sandra in Sydney
Date: 01 Feb 04 - 07:20 AM

Crawford, TX, January 28 (AP) In an effort to reach out to Constituencies outside his traditional power base, President George W. Bush today announced a new "note cut" initiative, intended to appeal to classical musicians.

Speaking from his ranch in Crawford, Texas, the President prefaced his remarks with some general observations. "Music is a good thing. I like music because I like good things, and music is good for America. It's fundamentalistic to the American spirit. Classically-orientated musicians -- the ones that play in orchestras, in the churches of this great country of ours, in contra dance bands, and on the telephone when you're put on hold while calling any one of our Fortune 500 companies—are especially important, because they play a whole lot of notes. And these are good, American notes, that haven't been genetically altered, which Laura and I prize very highly. As I like to say, what you don't know you have can't hurt you if you're not there."

The President went on to explain the reasons for his new initiative "For too long these good musical Americans have been playing lots and lots of notes, and haven't been getting anything in return. These here notes belong to the American people, and it's time to give some of them back."

The administration's plan calls for a one-time refund of 3,000 notes to tax-paying and note-playing American classical musicians. Chamber musicians who play sonatas together in long-standing legal or church-sanctioned relationships are entitled to a refund of 6,000 notes. String quartets will receive a one-time refund of 10,000 notes, as follows: 5,000 for first violinists, 3,000 for second violinists, 1,500 for cellists, and only 500 for violists. Already this arrangement has generated considerable controversy, since it clearly favors the upper instruments. Pianists are entitled to a 15,000-note refund, because in the words of the President, "They play lots and lots and lots of notes. Their fingers must be really well-oiled. Those digits can really add up, musicologistically speaking."

Back in Washington, Democrats are already gearing up for a fight. They point to the plan's inequitable distribution of notes. Citing the latest figures from the music division of the General Accounting Office, they also claim that Bush's initiative is musically irresponsible. Noting recent reports indicating the President's tax refund, in conjunction with the sliding economy, has now effectively erased any budget surplus, they find parallels in Bush's note-cut initiative. They warn ominously that his plan threatens the all-important Musical Security Hemi-, Demi, and Semi-Quaver Reserve.

On Friday, Representative Richard A. Gephardt painted a grim picture of what, in Democrats' eyes, the future holds. "Giving musicians notes back doesn't mean they're going to use them wisely, and it won't help the nation's musical health. We'd run the very real risk of running out of notes."

"Imagine," Gephardt continued, "a Brahms symphony petering out in performance for a lack of notes. First thing you know, musicians will be leaving out all the fast movements because they don't have enough notes to get through them. Mendelssohn will suffer the most, especially the last movement of the Octet."

Apprised of Gephardt's remarks on the way to a pig roast at his ranch, President Bush responded, "Nope. Not gonna happen. I intend to be the defense, education, and fast-movement president. If Congress minds its musical matters, we'll have enough left for Brahms and the Mendelssohn Octagon, too."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: Dharmabum
Date: 31 Jan 04 - 10:26 PM

Three surgeons at an international medical conference,boasting to one another.
The first,a surgeon from Poland says,"In Warsaw,we removed the kidneys from a baboon,transplanted them into a 36 year old man,& had him out looking for work within a month!"
"That's nothing"commented the French surgeon"In Paris,we removed the heart of a pig,transplanted it into a 40 year old man,& had him searching for work within two weeks!"
Finally,the surgeon from Texas speaks up,"Well boys,I'm afraid I gotcha beat".
"We took a jackass outa Texas,put 'im in Washington,& by the next day we had half the country out lookin' for work!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: freightdawg
Date: 31 Jan 04 - 07:23 PM

A man and his wife were talking one night. "Honey" she says, "if I died would you remarry?"

"Why, darlin', you know you are the only one for me."

"Yes, I know, but if I'm gone, would you remarry?"

"Well, if you were gone, I might get married again, but sweetie, I want you to know you are the only woman for me."

"Well," she continues, "if you remarry, would she live in this house?"

"I guess if I did get married again, then yes, probably so" says the husband.

"Would she sleep in this bed?" the woman asked.

"Look, honey, you are weirding me out here," says the husband. "I don't want to talk about you dying and leaving me. But yes, if you died and if I remarried and if we lived in this house then yes, we would probably sleep in this bed together."

"Would she use my golf clubs?" asked the wife.

"Oh, no, she couldn't." says he, "She is left-handed."

Freightdawg

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: GUEST,JTT
Date: 31 Jan 04 - 01:44 PM

Oldie but a goodie:

Why do women have orgasms?
Ach, it's just one more thing for them to be *moaning* and *groaning* about.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: harlowpoet
Date: 31 Jan 04 - 06:51 AM

Two men were about to tee off for a game of golf, when a stranger comes along and asks if if can join them in the round. They agree, and the three of them commence the game.

After a while , they get talking, and one of them asked the stranger what he did for a living. He said "I'm a hitman". They looked stunned, so he says,"Yes really". Then from among his set of golf clubs, pulls out a long range rifle, complete with telescopic sight. "Here, have a look he says", handing it to them. One of them holds it up, then looks through the telescopic sight. In the distance he sees his house. He looks at his bedroom window, and says " Oh look, there's my wife. Hey, hold on a minute. There's a bloke with her. It's my next door neighbour. They're both naked!" I'm not having this. Then asks the hitman how much he charges for a hit.

The hitman says says £1000. The man says "Right, I'll have two hits, thats £2000. One for him, and one for her. What I want you to do is shoot him down below, and her in the mouth".

The hit man says "OK", then takes aim with his rifle. He's just about to shoot, when he stops and says, "Actually, I think I can save you £1000!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: freda underhill
Date: 30 Jan 04 - 09:12 AM

Take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition:

1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

2. Reintardation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

3. Bozone: The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late..

9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: GUEST
Date: 30 Jan 04 - 08:58 AM

A man is lying in bed in hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young nurse arrives to sponge his hands and feet. "Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I wouldn't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet."

He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, please, are my testicles black?"

Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand, takes a close look, and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, and they're not black."

With an effort, the man pulls off his oxygen mask and says-----

"That was very nice -------- but, ...ARE... MY... TEST... results..back? "

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: Bob Hitchcock
Date: 29 Jan 04 - 04:20 PM

A guy walks into a Bar, and orders a beer and a shot then throws a pair of jumper cables on the bar.

The bartender looks him over and says " OK, but don't start anything".

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 29 Jan 04 - 03:14 PM

Three Texas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.

One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."

One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in field events in the Olympics."

The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat. Now he's President of the United States."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: Mickey191
Date: 22 Jan 04 - 02:04 PM

Ole and Sven are neighbors in Minnesota. Ole is in need of a new milk cow. He hears about a nice one for sale over the border in Wisconsin.

He drives over to Wisconsin, looks at the cow, and reaches under to see if she gives milk. When he grabs the teat and pulls -- the cow farts.

Ole is very surprised, looks at the farmer who is selling the cow, and reaches under the cow to try again. He grabs another teat, pulls -- the cow farts again. Milk does come out, however, so after some discussion, Ole decides to buy the cow anyway.

When he gets the cow home, he calls over his neighbor, Sven, and his neighbor, Sven, and says, “Come here and look at dis new cow I just bought. Pull her teat, and see what happens.”

Sven reaches under and pulls -- the cow farts. Sven looks at Ole and says, “You bought dis cow in Wisconsin, yah?”

Ole is very surprised and says, “Yah!, dats right, how did you know?”

Sven says, “My wife is from Wisconsin.”

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: Cluin
Date: 21 Jan 04 - 06:08 PM

Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5-iron and standing over a lifeless man.
   The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"
   "Yes" says the woman.
   "Did you hit him with that golf club?"
   "Yes. Yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands over her face.
   "How many times did you hit him?"
   "I don't know, five, six, maybe seven times... Just put me down for a five."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: Jimmy C
Date: 19 Jan 04 - 12:14 AM

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi! ...I hate drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The clerk behind the welfare desk says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy says, "You're bullshitting me!"

The welfare clerk says, "Yeah, well, you started it."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: Jimmy C
Date: 19 Jan 04 - 12:05 AM

The gunfighter

In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.

Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar who had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West in his day. The young cowboy took a seat next to the old-timer, bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great ambition.

"Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.

The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a li'l lower down on your leg."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

"Sure will," said the old-timer.

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

"That's terrific!" said the cowboy. "Got any more tips for me?"

"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.

"You bet it will," said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, then shot a cufflink off the piano player.

"Wow!" said the cowboy. "I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?"

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."

The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

"No," said the old-timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playin' the piano, he's going to shove that gun up your ass and it won't hurt as much."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: GUEST,JTT
Date: 18 Jan 04 - 03:43 AM

Mainly for Irish people, especially GAA fans:

http://www.listowelemmets.com/jokes.html

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 17 Jan 04 - 08:09 PM

Ckuin,
that reminds me of the episode of Steptoe & Son, where Harold buys a drayload full of false teeth from the undertakers...

Robin

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: Cluin
Date: 17 Jan 04 - 07:04 PM

A public speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth.
   Turning to the man next to him he said, "I forgot my teeth!"
   The man said, "No problem." He reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said.
   The speaker tried them. "Too loose," he said.
   The man then said, "I have another pair. Try these."
   The speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight."
   The man was not taken back at all. He then said, "I have one more pair, Goldilocks. Try them."
   The speaker said, "They fit perfectly."
   With that, he ate his meal and gave his speech. After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker thanked the man who had helped him.
   "I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist."
   The man replied, "I'm not a dentist. I'm an undertaker."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: Den
Date: 17 Jan 04 - 06:17 PM

When I told my family I was going to be a comedian
they laughed at me...
they're not laughing now.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: GUEST,Frances
Date: 17 Jan 04 - 04:48 PM

A nurse had given instructions to a junior what to do while she would put on the required dressing on the patient. Whilst opening the dressing from its sealed packet, she heard a scream from her patient.
Turning to the junior she said,"nurse, I told you to lift him by the buttocks,..."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: Cluin
Date: 17 Jan 04 - 12:59 AM

Two boys are playing hockey on a frozen pond in Ontario, when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy takes his stick, wedges it into the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck.
   A reporter, who was driving by, sees the incident, pulls over, and rushes across the ice to interview the boy.
   "Young Toronto Maple Leafs Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook.
   "But I'm not a Leafs fan," the little hero replied.
   "Sorry. I just assumed you were," said the reporter and starts again.
   "Little Ottawa Senators Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack" he continued writing in his notebook.
   "I'm not a Senators fan either," the boy said.
   "Well, what team do you root for?" the reporter asked.
   "The Montreal Canadiens," the kid said.
   The reporter rips out the old sheet from his notebook and writes on a new page:
   "Little French Bastard Kills Beloved Family Pet!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: Wesley S
Date: 14 Jan 04 - 05:22 PM

A man goes to visit his doctor and tells him:

"Doc - when I was twenty I would get an erection and it was hard as a rock and as stiff as a telephone poll. When I turned fourty I could bend it a little. And when I turned sixty I could bend it in half".

"So what do you want to know ?" the doctor asked.

The man replied - "Good Heavens Doctor - how strong will I be when I turn eighty ?"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: Cluin
Date: 14 Jan 04 - 04:49 PM

An elderly couple met for a romp in the broom closet at the nursing home. They undressed and were about to screw. The woman decided to warn the man of her heart condition.

"I should tell you, I have acute angina," she said.

"That's good," the old man replied "Because your tits are nothing to look at."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: SueB
Date: 14 Jan 04 - 01:58 AM

This is from James Carville's new book called
Had Enough? A Handbook for Fighting Back

" There's a joke going around about the senator who died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the senator. "Whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. She never told a lie, and therefore the hands have never moved."

"Whose clock is that?"

"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved only twice, telling us that Honest Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

The senator then asked, "Where's George W. Bush's clock?"

St. Peter replied, "It's in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan." "

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: bazza
Date: 11 Jan 04 - 04:55 PM

a couple in bed making love ,the husband says,ere why dont you moan like other woman,alright she says,when you going to paint this bloody ceiling.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: Peace
Date: 11 Jan 04 - 03:50 PM

More than welcome, Cattail.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: Cattail
Date: 11 Jan 04 - 03:36 PM

Nice one Brucie, LMAO

Thanks

Cattail !

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: Herga Kitty
Date: 11 Jan 04 - 02:39 PM

How many EFDSS members does it take to change a light bulb?

Change????????

(Heard at Sharp's Xmas party)

Kitty

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: Leadfingers
Date: 10 Jan 04 - 08:29 PM

How many Traditional Folk Singers does it take to change a Light Bulb?


Answer--   Twenty four !!!



One to change the bulb, Three to sing a ballad in three part harmony about what a wonderful light bulb it was And the other twenty to have an argument about how much better it would have been if it hadnt been electric

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 10 Jan 04 - 08:29 PM

A man was visiting an art museum in West Virginia. In a photography exhibit he saw a photograph if three nude black men sitting on a simple plank bench. The odd thing about the photograph was that the man in the middle had a white penis. He studied the photo for a few minutes but couldn't figure out what kind of point the artist was trying to make. Finally, he stopped a passing security guard and asked him if he understood the photo.

"Sure," said the guard, "I understand exactly what it's about."

"Well," replied the museum visitor, "I just don't get it. Three black men on a bench but the middle one has a white penis... What's it mean?"

The guard looked at him and started to laugh. "Naw," he said, "those aren't black men! They're West Virginia coal miners and the one in the middle went home for lunch."

Bruce

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: Peace
Date: 10 Jan 04 - 06:56 PM

A fellow from the big city decided to get away from it all and move to the Canadian north. He purchased a log cabin, and his nearest neighbour was four miles away down a winding road. George never got to see anyone other than the mail delivery person, and on occasion he traded words with the truck that brought his store-bought food. After eleven months of relative isolation, George began to get a little antsy. As fortune would have it, a loud banging at the door abruptly took him from his despondent thoughts. He answered the knocking. There before him at the door stood a somewhat rank, dishevelled, rugged-looking, semi-drunk huge man.

"Yes?"
"Came to ask you to a party tonight; starts at 7:00."
"Oh." (George was lonely, and he figured, why not.)
"Yeah. But there might be a little drinkin', hope ya don't mind that."
"Oh, no, I have a drink now and then, too."
"Yeah. Might be a little fightin'. Hope ya don't mind that."
"Oh, no, I'll just keep to myself."
"Might be a little sex. Hope ya don't mind that."
"Oh, no," said George, "It's been quite some time for me."
The fellow turned around and began to walk away. George called after him: "Hey, what should I wear?" Fellow yelled back, "Suit yourself; there'll just be the two of us."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 10 Jan 04 - 02:46 PM

Roy Blount, Jr., was a panelist on today's episode of NPR's weekly program, "Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me." The host asked him to comment on Britney Spears' short-lived marriage. He replied with this short poem:

Britney:
Did he gitney?
He did, dintney?

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 09 Jan 04 - 06:59 AM

The CoffeeHouse Prayer

Our Father, who art in Columbia,
Juan Valdez be Thy name.
Thy Au Latte come, Thy Cappucino be done
In homes as it is in cafes.
And forgive us this day our Decaffinated Blend,
As we forgive those who drink Esspresso in front of us.
And lead us not into Instants,
But deliver us from Non-Dairy Creamer.
For Thine is the Hazelnut, Mocha, and Irish Cream forever.

               Amen.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: jeffp
Date: 07 Jan 04 - 04:15 PM

kat, your joke reminds me of something I saw occur on the Shenandoah River once back in 1994. I was down there for a whitewater canoe trip with a bunch of friends and was sitting by the river just enjoying the day. A couple of canoes, each with a couple in it, came by and pulled up on a sand bar to rest and socialize, I guess. One of the men had a fly rod and the other was checking it out, casting and retrieving the line, when the fish and game warden showed up in his boat. The warden anchored his boat and prepared to write out a ticket for fishing without a license. The man protested that he was only checking out the rod and not actually fishing. The warden's response could be heard by all of us at the campsite, halfway across the river.

"You have a rod in your hand, there is a hook on the line, the hook is in the water, and there are fish in the water. Son, that's fishing!"

Thought I would never stop laughing.

jeffp

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: katlaughing
Date: 07 Jan 04 - 02:49 PM

My apologies if this is a repeat:

Happy New Year! A little bit of inspiration for women.

A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decided to take the boat out. She motored out a short distance, anchored, and continued to read her book. Along came a game warden in his boat.

He pulled up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, thinking to herself. "Isn't it obvious?"

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informed her.

"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am", he said and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: Hrothgar
Date: 07 Jan 04 - 03:29 AM

A bit near the knuckle, Gareth!

:-)

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: Bill D
Date: 06 Jan 04 - 10:51 PM

oh, Gareth...that one is just TOO funny, given recent threads..*grin*

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: Peace
Date: 06 Jan 04 - 09:05 PM

lmaorotf

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: Cluin
Date: 06 Jan 04 - 07:52 PM

In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.

   Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar who had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West in his day. The young cowboy took the seat next to the old-timer, bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great ambition.

"Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.

The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

"Sure will." said the old-timer.

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

"That's terrific!" said the cowboy, "Got any more tips for me?"

"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.

"You bet it will," said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, then shot a cufflink off the piano player.

"Wow!" said the cowboy. "I'm really learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?"

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."

The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

"Nope." said the old timer, "But when Wyatt Earp over there gits done with his piano playin' and he comes over here to shove that gun right up your ass, it won't hurt as much."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: Gareth
Date: 06 Jan 04 - 07:27 PM

Found this at another web-forum and just had to post it :).

------------------------------------------
How many forum members does it takes to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

1 to move it to the Lighting section

2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section

7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs

5 to flame the spell checkers

3 to correct spelling/grammar flames

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct

19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum

11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum

36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty

7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group

13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

Gareth