BS: Broken heart

Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: GUEST,on the deck of the Mary Celeste
Date: 10 Nov 05 - 12:21 PM

regular mudcatter, how are things now if you don't mind me asking?

Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: Amos
Date: 22 Feb 05 - 12:25 PM

The best remedy is to start taking actions and making things happen from your own center, and drop the effort to get other people to save you or provide you with the right feelings. Once you start doing that you discover your own authorship more and the tumult of the past confusion can be given over tot he past. Until you take action you will be glued in to past time.


A

Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: GUEST,regular catter
Date: 22 Feb 05 - 12:12 PM

I find being busy helps me not to mope and I think really its a relief now, it all coming out into the open, I had an idea that something was wrong but didn't know what......all in all it will be a relief to move on I think...............

Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: Layah
Date: 21 Feb 05 - 04:15 PM

I've found doing a bunch of other things can help me pretend I'm not moping about someone, but that isn't quite the same as actually not moping. As far as I can tell I can't get over someone until I just magically get over them, and it tends to happen rather suddenly and take much longer than I expect. I do find pretending not to be depressed is the next best thing to actually not being depressed though.

Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: mg
Date: 21 Feb 05 - 03:32 PM

I highly recommend travel..gets you out of the places you shared as a couple..meet new people..read train schedules...dodge traffic coming at you from the other way....I think it helps to retrain your brain patterns from moping about the other person, although it doesn't sound like you are moping... mg

Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: GUEST,regular catter
Date: 21 Feb 05 - 02:33 PM

good advice Mr red, having something to fill the void, mine will be taken up with the practicalities of the split at the moment, a good female friend has offered me a room at her place in the interim, so thats another hurdle over with, didn't relish staying here while I worked my notice. We are studiously avoiding one another now, seems to be working

Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: GUEST,regular catter
Date: 21 Feb 05 - 02:29 PM

Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: GUEST,Mr Red
Date: 21 Feb 05 - 06:15 AM

When I first met Joy I was still trying to help a former girlfriend by phone. She encouraged and trusted me. But I guess being open was a bit of a clue to my motivation.

There you have it - honesty. Nothing to hide. But it goes both ways - or fails if it doesn't.

I would recommend something to fill the mindspace now created - the void left behind. For some it is another (or series of) SO, for some it is a change of hairstyle/wardrobe, for some it is songwriting. AND a combination of such crowds-out the nostalgia/loss.

Have you tried Mudchat?

Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: GUEST,regular catter
Date: 20 Feb 05 - 06:00 PM

thanks John.. I feel a lot more positive, still get a bit hurt too, can't get over this in a week but I cannot be with someone i just can't trust! I think the act of making descisions and having to be practical helps and this thread has been really really helpful

Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: John O'L
Date: 20 Feb 05 - 05:54 PM

This is the first time I've checked this thread since the start, and you sound (well, read) so much more positive already.

Good work. Well done. Good luck.

Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: GUEST,regular catter
Date: 20 Feb 05 - 05:33 PM

not that OT Mary.....after a weekend spent with my family I'm feeling more able to cope. Bumped into an old flame too which was really nice and very good for the bashed self esteem! Am certainly too vulnerable to jump into something new, so i won't but it was really nice to be made feel like 'm sometin special. Am now on point of arranging the practical, give notice, to move my stuff back home and i believe they had crisis talks this weekened which he keeps trying to tell me about....but i don't care

Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: Maryrrf
Date: 20 Feb 05 - 05:06 PM

This is kind of OT but addressed to John "Giok" - Have you seen this person you missed out on so long ago recently? I ask this because not too long ago I ran into somebody I had a giant crush on but he didn't return my feelings. I used to sometimes think "what if". When I saw him and actually talked to him after more than 20 years (just by accident, I wasn't looking for him or anything) I was really glad I didn't end up with him (not that the one I did end up was better - just different and oh well we won't go there). The old flame actually asked me out on a date but I was not in the least interested.

Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: GUEST
Date: 20 Feb 05 - 02:01 PM

Onward and upward girl.The world is now your oyster. Hope you are feeling better.

Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: MuddleC
Date: 20 Feb 05 - 01:38 PM

suffering from a broken heart actually shows that you at least have one
If you think that you bolloxed it all up, just take a look at our so-called celebs and see how they mess up bigtime, even with their money and fame
Good luck along that road

Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: GUEST,regular catter
Date: 17 Feb 05 - 02:29 PM

it wasn't my intention to whine, just give out a warning to be careful in these situations and it does help in some small way to know I'm not the only one this has happened to because atthe time it seems like you are the only person in the world to be taken in by this crap (for that is what it was) Pride and good manners prevent me from naming names, i'm not here for a slanging match, those who know, know

Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: open mike
Date: 17 Feb 05 - 12:05 AM

when i was going thru tough times
and facing many changes i found
help in this book...When Things
Fall Apart by Pema Chodron
A friend told me that there was
a copy of that book floating
around her gorup of friends
passed on to another..and
it wqs given when anyone
was in need of support,
advice, help, etc.
Main advice...
Breathe!
http://www.shambhala.org/teachers/pema/
http://www.shambhala.org/teachers/pema/bookstore1.php

Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: hilda fish
Date: 16 Feb 05 - 10:19 PM

Emmy Lou Harris sings "the hardest thing is knowing you'll survive". It's true. I am constantly reminded of .................. This Too Will Pass ..................... which I tell myself at times of total devastation. It's in your hands

Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: Hollowfox
Date: 16 Feb 05 - 06:24 PM

I'm another one, RMC.
Here's a little bit of advice I'd like to throw in the pot: Remember that you're under stress from this, and that means that your reaction time will be slowed, your decision making skills may be slowed as well, your attention span may shorten noticibly, and even (scariest for me) your reading level might go down a bit due to the attention thing, I think. So be more careful when you drive, don't make hasty decisions (including large scale impulse buying), write yourself notes so you don't forget things you need or want to do. I know you know that it's a good idea to drink alone. Do what you must, then do what you can, but don't push yourself. Sleep is good. And though some may disagree, I got the advice to avoid Country & Western music, even if you like it, as the subject matter can be 'way too depressing. If nothing else, turn on the classical music station on the radio (even if you don't care for the genre), as it's usually instrumental and less likely to bum you out.
While it's probably better to be discreet here on the 'Net with his identity, don't cover for him in the real world. You don't have to malign him, and I'd advise against it as bad tactics. Just let friends know what's going on in your life. some friends will fade away, but you will find true friends that you can talk to, who will be glad at those small triumphs that get you back to being you.
And I think I'll lihgt a !@#$-reduction candle for you in a couple of hours when I get home from work.

Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: Bunnahabhain
Date: 16 Feb 05 - 05:36 PM

Having been on both sides of it, time, and talking about it are the only non-destructive things to do. It does get better, but how long it takes can vary...
And knowing more about the person first is the best way to avoid it in the first place.

Bunnahabhain.

Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: Teresa
Date: 16 Feb 05 - 04:48 PM

I've learned that on the Internet and in person, it's a good idea to know as much about the person as possible before you get emotionallly attached. Know about their living situation, their typical day, their everyday life. Don't simply say sweet nothings without putting your feet on the ground. I learned it the hard way, and it still hurts. Of course, this doesn't guarantee not getting hurt, but it decreases the chances.

Hang in there GRC. It does get better.

Teresa

Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: GUEST,Whiner
Date: 16 Feb 05 - 04:33 PM

YES SIR LAYLAH.

Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: GUEST,guest 3.36
Date: 16 Feb 05 - 04:31 PM

Ok sorry, didnt know she had been warned. In that case I dont see the point of a 'woe is me thread'.

Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: *Laura*
Date: 16 Feb 05 - 04:31 PM

Well sometimes one person is more to blame than another person and in that situation people get hurt!
Maybe you deal with your problems by not talking to anyone - but like Layah says - if it makes someone feel better to talk about it, and doesn't hurt anyone else - then what's the problem?
If you don't want to hear about someones broken heart then don't read a thread entitled 'broken heart'

Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: GUEST,Whiner
Date: 16 Feb 05 - 04:27 PM

Yes I have. And it was not all her fault or all my fault. I dislike this one sided garbage from people.

Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: gnu
Date: 16 Feb 05 - 04:24 PM

Sorcha said, "Every new woman in a man's life thinks she will be the one to change him,..." Hehehehe. Ain't it the truth ? When will women realize we just ain't gonna change? And when are men going to realize that women are just gonna change?

Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: Layah
Date: 16 Feb 05 - 04:23 PM

The most a warning like that from an ex girlfriend would do would make me a tiny bit more cautious. Who are you more likely to trust, the guy's possibly angry vengeful ex, or him, who you know and like?

Whiner, have you not ever had something bad happen to you? Sounds to me like regular catter actually got something useful out of this thread, but even if she didn't it's such a comfort just to tell people, and for them to say, aw that's sad. If it's going to make them feel better, and it's not going to make anyone else feel worse why shouldn't a person complain a bit?

Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: Once Famous
Date: 16 Feb 05 - 04:21 PM

Yay!

Let's put this on Maury Povich!

Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: GUEST,Whiner
Date: 16 Feb 05 - 04:18 PM

I have had my heart broken. Now I want the world to see me as a victim. I will tell my story. I am a professional victim. Get a life.

Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: Sorcha
Date: 16 Feb 05 - 04:16 PM

Guest at 3:36, you don't understand women very well if you think that would work. Every new woman in a man's life thinks she will be the one to change him, he won't do it to her, etc. Besides, RC was warned. Did she listen? No.

Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: gnu
Date: 16 Feb 05 - 04:12 PM

Open Mike said, "..."if you don't get it at home, you're gonna go looking...." that is not always the case, but "innocence" and "guilt" are not always in black and white..there are many shades of grey/gray/."

NObody has a right to "go looking", no matter what the circumstances are. You have a right to end the relationship and THEN go looking.

Guest said, "If the rotter was named it would lessen the chance of it happening again."

I believe pre-emptive punishment for the possibility of future transgressions is against common law and against common sense. Not to mention libel and slander.

Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: GUEST
Date: 16 Feb 05 - 03:36 PM

If the rotter was named it would lessen the chance of it happening again. It is misguided loyalty that succumbed you to this situation. It will be ignorance that will claim his next victim. If women stuck together more and thought of each other first, a lot less broken hearts would be the result? Sounds like you are still putting his feelings before other women.

Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: GUEST,another regular
Date: 16 Feb 05 - 03:20 PM

I found it so hard to let go when the bastard messed with my head and my heart. The trouble was, although I wanted to, I didn't want to. I just had to stick it out until after all those times of thinking I was over him, then seeing him and everything changing, I finally reached a point where I was relieved. I knew it was 'the time' because this time I wasn't sad about what I had lost, or thought I'd lost, and I wasn't even the slightest bit disappointed at being over him.
Then I started to think about what he'd done to me, and once you get through that initial confusion and hurt - it really does start to get better.
Hang in there!

Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: GUEST,Insight
Date: 16 Feb 05 - 03:16 PM

Plain words spelled out clear:
All here have been deceived, I fear !

Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 16 Feb 05 - 03:13 PM

Well I drove away the real love of my life, and it makes me feel like shit when I remember what a fool I was. If your soon-to-be ex suffers in the same way as I have for the last 20 odd years, [although it does get easier] then he made his own bed, as they say.
Giok

Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: GUEST,Wise Arse.
Date: 16 Feb 05 - 02:59 PM

Abstinence makes the hand go fondle.

Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: open mike
Date: 16 Feb 05 - 02:55 PM

Abstinence makes the heart grow fonder,
what a difference a little tin makes..

Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: GUEST,Insight
Date: 16 Feb 05 - 02:49 PM

Oh the games people play now
Every night and every day now

Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: GUEST
Date: 16 Feb 05 - 02:49 PM

So many people had the same experience, trusting someone who turned out to be lying to them all along. I haven't had that experience, and I hope to avoid it, but I also have a tendency to trust people. Those who have been through it, how would you recommend avoiding it? Is there any way to tell before you get hurt?

Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: GUEST,regular catter
Date: 16 Feb 05 - 02:32 PM

thanks agin for all the good advice and yes strangely i feel very sorry for the "other" woman, I have a feeling we might both be walking away from him,I know I am and from what she said she is considering it too!!!!!!
am feeling slightly less cold

Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: GUEST,yet another one with the t shirt
Date: 16 Feb 05 - 02:28 PM

oh I remember this only too well, how it hurt, what an idiot I felt for getting taken in by what were ultimately lies by someone i thought i could trust. RC I know what you are going through now and well remember the pain involved, but eventually I got over it and moved on, took a while but it was worth it......to get away from an ace manipulator. You will get there too and be a better person for it..honest

Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: Layah
Date: 16 Feb 05 - 02:13 PM

GUEST,Insight missed two of my favorite aphorisms:
Absence makes the heart grow fonder,
and
Out of sight, out of mind.

Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: GUEST,Insight
Date: 16 Feb 05 - 02:02 PM

The road to hell is paved with good intentions, but
What a tangled web we weave, when first we practise to deceive.
If the cap fits, wear it.

Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: mg
Date: 16 Feb 05 - 01:59 PM

Here are my suggestions to hopefully head something like this off in the future.
1. If you want to get married and be his forever you have to let it be known soon on in the relationship. Otherwise if he is taking you for a ride you are a willing rider (this is not referring to abusive situations, just misunderstood ones).
2. Don't move in with him (her) unless you are married. That will prevent a whole lot of misunderstandings.
3. Give him/her a time line and stick to it.
4. Don't assume that there are plenty of others to choose from because sometimes there aren't. But you will still be better off alone than with a loser and/or creep. mg

Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: GUEST,old-timer
Date: 16 Feb 05 - 10:52 AM

I am a retired professor. Several times when I was teaching, I would observe good students with lots of potential suddenly began failing. When I called them in for a conference, it was almost always something like you are experiencing, regular catter. About the only thing I knew how to do was listen and be supportive, and that seemed to be the best approach. Mudcatters are doing that with you know, and I am sure it will help - if not immediately, at least soon.

There was one other thing I used to do. That was recommend a little paperback book with the unlikely title of "Why Am I Afraid To Tell You Who I Am?" It is not about the situation they were going through, but there were some things there that have always stuck with me, and also did with them. One of the best was ( and I might be paraphrasing somewhat)

"You can never appreciate the view from a mountaintop unless you have walked through the valley to get there."

Worth remembering.

My best to you -

Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: GUEST,Another Regular Catter
Date: 16 Feb 05 - 09:24 AM

GRC, how very strange (but hopefully educational) this must be for the other lady. I feel for her-- vulnerable to start off, and now caught up in this through no fault of her own, and not much she can say about it here while this thread is running. You are probably the only person she can talk to! It's hell for these men when the various affected ladies find a way to compare notes! Ooops! :~)

Another Regular Catter

Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: GUEST,Layah
Date: 16 Feb 05 - 09:10 AM

open mike I disagree that you can claim the victim in a case of adultery can be partially guilty. Even if there are problems at home, even if both people are not handling the situation well, that isn't an excuse to commit adultery. There are plenty of other options. What your saying is kind of like claiming that by wearing skimpy clothing a women was asking to be raped, so it's her fault. If someone makes me mad and I hurt someone or break something, the fault is entirely mine, despite the fact that they made me mad. Same thing goes here, if my spouse isn't giving me what I want, finding it somewhere else is still entirely my own doing and my own responsibilty.

Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: GUEST,regular catter
Date: 16 Feb 05 - 04:01 AM

very true...but I won't name names, i don't want to turn this into an online slanging match, suffice to say we are all catters! we are all grown ups! but i have since found out from friends that this has been his MO through out his life, they had hoped i was the last in a long line of "needy" women. like someone said earlier, it takes a lot to trust and when thats gone............

Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: GUEST,Another one in the boat
Date: 16 Feb 05 - 03:53 AM

The hardest thing about any thing like this is the breakdown of trust. It takes a lot for most people to really really trust someone, and when that is broken, it can never be fixed. Once someone has been shown up as a lying piece of sh*t, then they are always a lying piece of sh*t, no matter what.

There are two sides to every story though. Get the truth before you get the scissers out.

I bet if you named the man, everyone would leap to his defence and say 'what a lovely man he is, he couldnt do that to you'. And I bet he'd swear up and down that it had never happened before and he'd be wrong. There are some men who are like that, preying on the vulnerable under pretence of 'helping' and they never change. If this other woman thinks that she will stop him doing it, then she is in for a nasty shock in a few months or years. As soon as she stops 'needing' him, he'll be off looking for another victim and it'll start all over again.

Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: open mike
Date: 16 Feb 05 - 03:43 AM

"after two divorces for adultary - both times I was the innocent party!"
isn't it possible that if onoe partner does not COMMIT adultry, they might have been involved in (allowing) the choice in some way...not always being there for their partner, etc. as Greg Brown says "if you don't get it at home, you're gonna go looking...."
that is not always the case, but "innocence" and "guilt" are not always
in black and white..there are many shades of grey/gray/

Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: Ethan's Granny
Date: 16 Feb 05 - 03:15 AM

So he's lying to her already? That's not a good start, is it? Let's hope he ends up as unhappy as he's made you. Chin up, sweetie.