Dear Mr. Guitar

Subject: RE: Dear Mr. Guitar
From: Steve Latimer
Date: 17 Sep 02 - 08:14 AM

Dear Doctor Guitar,

Thank goodness I've found someone who might finally be able to help. I am on my third Metronome. I have tried both the electronic and mechanical types. None of them will stay in time with me.

Do you think it could be because I am playing the five string banjo and the incompetent music store staff have been selling me guitar or piano metronomes?

Subject: RE: Dear Mr. Guitar
From: Ebbie
Date: 17 Sep 02 - 11:22 AM

Dr. Guitar, please address Steve Latimer's complaint. I have had the same problem with just about every metronome I have ever had. They are very unreliable. They tend to go fast in some parts of a piece and too slow in others. Where can I get one that doesn't do that? My current one is German-made and I think that's the top of the line.

Subject: RE: Dear Mr. Guitar
From: Dave Bryant
Date: 17 Sep 02 - 11:47 AM

Dear Mr Guitar,
My friend has just had a pickup installed in his Martin guitar so that it is now an electric one. He asked me to make up a lead so that he can plug it in. I've put a 1/4" jack plug on the guitar end and a mains plug on the other - is this correct ?

Subject: RE: Dear Mr. Guitar
From: Bullfrog Jones
Date: 17 Sep 02 - 02:32 PM

Dear Dr Guitar,

A musician friend suggested that, for strumming my guitar, I should use a pick. I gave it a go, but, as well as the awkardness of lifting the pick with one hand while holding the guitar, I was left with several deep gouges and holes in the woodwork -- not to mention broken strings. On reflection, maybe he meant an ice-pick?
BJ

Subject: RE: Dear Mr. Guitar
From: Dave4Guild
Date: 17 Sep 02 - 04:51 PM

Dear Ebbie
The reason your German metronome is unable to keep time with you is that it does not have a sense of humour. I've got a very cheerful penguin one which does admirably!

Subject: RE: Dear Mr. Guitar
From: Steve Latimer
Date: 17 Sep 02 - 07:28 PM

Dave4Guild,

Where does one get a cheerful Penguin one? I'm at my wits end.

Dr. Guitar,

I know you specialize in guitars, but I'm hoping that you know a thing or two about banjos. Do you think that they somehow induce drowsiness? It seems that whenever I pull mine out people start to yawn, look at their watches and say things like "my goodness, where did the time go? I have to be up early to have my nose hairs plucked". It gets worse with time, sometimes normally vigorous people who have had this happen to them after a few tunes suffer the same affliction when I merely reach for the banjo.

Subject: RE: Dear Mr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Dr. Guitar
Date: 17 Sep 02 - 07:38 PM

Dear Phil Harmonic,

I am afraid that 4:40 is not a good time to tune your A string. In fact if you do you may well experience the cracking noise from within the guitar described by one of the readers above. If this has already happened, of course I can carry out remedial work for a reasonable consideration.

In fact, the correct time to tune your A string is at 1:10am. The correct times to tune each of the strings are as follows:

Low E: 0:01:22am
A: 1:10am
D: 1:47am
G: 2:36am
B: 2:47am
High E: 3:30am

However, remember that the guitar is an "ill-tempered" instrument and these timings may not result in an exact tuning and therefore an unhappy guitar. Depending on the temperament of your instrument, it is quite permissible to experiment a few seconds either side of these timings to achieve mutual satisfaction.

Most professional guitarists are well-known night people and therefore stay up late to ensure correct tuning.

Yours sincerely,

Dr. Guitar

Subject: RE: Dear Mr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Dr. Guitar
Date: 17 Sep 02 - 08:06 PM

Dear Burke Innstocke,

It really depends how used the backpacker is...

For carrying adequate water for a long hike and a reasonable complement of packing there is no finer guitar made than an Ovation! An Adamas will carry more water but is harder to pack.

Regarding your phobias and the dreadnought, the answer is in the plain brown wrapper below:

Plain Brown Wrapper

Yours sincerely,

Dr. Guitar

Subject: RE: Dear Mr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Dr. Guitar
Date: 17 Sep 02 - 08:13 PM

Dear Mr Bryant,

In the interests of public safety I cannot at all condone plugging your friend's Martin into the mains supply. It could amongst other problems cause a severe power surge in his neighbourhood.

What puzzles me most, however, is why your friend should want to install a pickup truck in his Martin. In my experience, this frequently lowers the retail value should he later want to sell either.

Yours sincerely,

Dr. Guitar

Subject: RE: Dear Mr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Dr. Guitar
Date: 17 Sep 02 - 08:31 PM

Dear Mr Latimer,

I have dealt with a number of banjo cases in my practice. I believe that this problem comes from an innate and ancient inherited phobia amongst your listeners.

If you consider the evidence at the foot of this page:

Evolutionary evidence

You will notice that the hominid in question is carrying a banjo in the manner of a type of club or similar weapon. I believe that this has caused expression of an ancient gene in your listeners. This can result in two scenarios: 1) the "play dead" behaviour expressed by those listeners pretending to go to sleep; or 2) release of "fright and flight" hormones within your listeners bodies. Both are, in fact, merely forms of self protection.

To reassure, calm and entertain your listeners, one suggestion could be to change instruments to the more highly evolved mandolin which will not illicit such a genetic response.

Yours sincerely,

Dr. Guitar

Subject: RE: Dear Mr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Dr. Guitar
Date: 17 Sep 02 - 08:43 PM

Dear Bullfrog Jones,

Normally use of the type of pick you describe is only to be recommended for guitars containing a Rare Earth. An ice-pick will certainly look cool on stage and may also be a useful accessory for a backpacker guitar but I doubt its efficacy as a strumming implement in general. I think the best course of action would be for you to purchase a gross of tooth picks which are cheap, plentiful and less cumbersome to hold.

Yours sincerely,

Dr. Guitar

Subject: RE: Dear Mr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Dr. Guitar
Date: 17 Sep 02 - 09:02 PM

Dear R. Sole,

I would love to help you but unfortunately I am not a dog breeder.

Regarding scales, I have always found that cod works the best although Australian colleagues have reported good results with those from raw prawns. I don't know whether you are Dover or Lemon but you could also try some of your own.

Regarding your amplifier problem, this may be easily cured by replacing the knobs with ones labelled from 1 to 20. Remember that sound power is on a logarithmic scale so such replacements will far more than double your amplifier's output.

As "Loud'uns" are made in Northern Ireland they are used to rather cold, wet and miserable weather. They should be perfect if you plan a holiday in such a climate but if you plan to tour around in a hot country such as Saudi Arabia, Sri Lanka or Australia you may find the expense less justifiable.

Yours sincerely,

Dr. Guitar

Subject: RE: Dear Mr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Dr. Guitar
Date: 17 Sep 02 - 09:11 PM

Dear Dr. O.M. Dreadnought,

My esteemed colleague. Thank you for your most helpful suggestion concerning the troublesome jazz chords.

Indeed massive fretectomy may be a radical but useful solution in this case.

I foresee only one problem. If the case of "jazz chord progression" is a serious one, the patient may still attempt some of the many jazz chords that, unknown to some, are hidden amongst the lower five frets. Of course, the problem of inversion will be overcome which naturally is the most distressing manifestation of this condition but some infectivity may be residual.

Many thanks for your valued professional advice.

Yours sincerely,

Dr. Guitar

Subject: RE: Dear Mr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Dr. Guitar
Date: 17 Sep 02 - 09:18 PM

Dear Worried Mom,

Please do not fret.

Indeed, if your son raises his nuts, it will help him to slide.

The problem is mainly a semantic one. Rather than one descended testicle your son will need six balls (or perhaps even 12) for satisfactory results. A referee in any case is usually superfluous when playing guitar unless it is a major league one.

Yours sincerely,

Dr. Guitar

Subject: RE: Dear Mr. Guitar
From: John Hardly
Date: 17 Sep 02 - 09:22 PM

Dr., like, Guitar?

I'm so, like....
I'm like, okay, like, I got this piercing...
...and I'm like, SO-O-O not going to, like, cover my navel with a guitar. But my teacher is like, "you can't play a guitar like a violin" and I'm like, whatever...

So?

Jennifer

Subject: RE: Dear Mr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Dr. Guitar
Date: 17 Sep 02 - 09:30 PM

Some questions are just impossible to answer despite all one's knowledge. The last post was to cover these queries.

Dear Mr Latimer,

Piano and guitar metronomes are not suitable for 5-string banjo. You will need to purchase an electronic one with built-in anti-frailure protection. I can supply a suitable model at a competitive price.

Dear Ebbie,

I believe your problem is that you have been sold a German metro gnome. These are, indeed, rather unreliable at keeping good time. I would suggest that you place this as an attractive ornament in your garden and keep time by tapping your foot instead. In this manner, you will be able to speed up or slow down during a song or tune as you see fit.

Yours sincerely,

Dr. Guitar

Subject: RE: Dear Mr. Guitar
From: Ebbie
Date: 17 Sep 02 - 09:36 PM

hawhawhawhaw

Subject: RE: Dear Mr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Dr. Guitar
Date: 17 Sep 02 - 09:43 PM

Dear Jennifer,

If I understand you correctly you would like to display your navel piercing while playing?

My solution would be to play your guitar behind your head in the fashion of Mr Hendrix, thereby permitting one or many piercings to be displayed without obstruction.

This will also avoid the scratchy parts of the piercing decoration damaging rare and valuable tropical hardwoods on the back of the guitar.

Yours sincerely,

Dr. Guitar

Subject: RE: Dear Mr. Guitar
From: Steve Latimer
Date: 17 Sep 02 - 10:06 PM

Dr. Guitar,

Thank you for your prompt and sage advice, you need to become a Permathread. The wisdom that you share is why we all came to the 'Cat in the first place.

Subject: RE: Dear Mr. Guitar
From: John Hardly
Date: 17 Sep 02 - 10:06 PM

...whatEVER.

Subject: RE: Dear Mr. Guitar
From: wysiwyg
Date: 17 Sep 02 - 10:46 PM

Dear Mr. Guitar,

I keep writing and writing to you, and some DOCTOR keeps answering your mail. I'm all strung out! He's very clever, but I never trust people who will play doctor and never take off their mask! Give me a good lay person any time.

I was looking for Mrs. Fiddle but as she is a PM, apparently her time is quite short at present what with all her state duties.

I think I may switch to REVEREND Guitar, and just submit my cares as prayer requests from now on!

~Poly Anna

Subject: RE: Dear Mr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Dr. Guitar
Date: 18 Sep 02 - 04:42 AM

Dear Poly Anna,

I must unfortunately keep the mask on as, as you will appreciate, some guitar-related ailments, such as MGAS, are highly contagious. I myself was once badly infected but, fortunately as I am sure you will be pleased to hear, I am nearly recovered and my guitar count has gone down from a redlining 30+ to a modest 4 now. I believe that the power of prayer on the part of my family and bank manager aided my recovery enormously but it has, at the very least, taught me the lesson of taking adequate precaution.

Knowing your interest in all things spiritual and your unsuccessful attempt to contact P.M. Fiddle, I forward the attached from my dusty archives:

Violin prayer

My professionalism, and lack of experience in the subject, unfortunately causes me to refrain from comment on good lay advice.

You will, I am sure, be delighted to know that there is a powerful and proud tradition of Rev. Guitars, any of whom, I suspect will be delighted to assist you in any way they can.

Yours sincerely,

Dr. Guitar

Subject: RE: Dear Mr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Dr. Guitar
Date: 18 Sep 02 - 05:28 AM

Dear Ebbie/Alone Alot,

My dear Ebbie....please do not imagine that I have forgotten your plight. It is just that yours is a particularly delicate case that may need to be addressed in several consultations.

Social ostracism can be a terrible thing...just look at what I have been reduced to!

I think we will start the treatment concerning where to put your fingers by first concentrating on where not to put them. Please pay particular attention to the chart below and on no account put your fingers in those places:

Places not to put your fingers in order to avoid being ostracised socially

Please practice not putting your fingers in these places three times a day for three days and then we will move on to the next stage of treatment.

I also use the example to demonstrate, as I have discussed with my esteemed colleague Dr. O.M. Dreadnought above, that radical massive fretectomy is not always a complete cure.

Yours sincerely,

Dr. Guitar

Subject: RE: Dear Mr. Guitar
From: Dave Bryant
Date: 18 Sep 02 - 05:38 AM

My friend has already tried out the new guitar lead. He found that after the initial bang and flash he was playing tunes at a much faster tempo than before. He also finds that his normally rather limp hair adopts a style very similiar to that of the late Sid Vicious. His electrification has earned him the name of "Shakin' Timothy" due to the tremors and gyrations which he now exibits in his performance. In fact the energy which his live performances now emit leave him completely comatose and he needs to be resucitated at the end of numbers. In all it's a great improvement except that it doesn't seem to make his guitar sound any louder - just flashier.

Subject: RE: Dear Mr. Guitar
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 18 Sep 02 - 11:29 AM

To: Dr. Guitar

From: Dr. O.M. Dreadnought

Dear Esteemed Colleague,

While you are, of course, absolutely correct in stating that a large number of jazz chords may be produced using no more than the first five frets of the guitar, said statement does not address the all-important visual aspect of guitar playing. Sadly, many guitarists are addicted to using higher-fret positions, not because of any true superiority to the voicings hence attained (as compared with lower-fret voicings), but because it "looks cool". Most guitarists are not going to throw in a perfectly superfluous G9 chord fingered 320301 when one fingered X(12)(11)(12)(12)(12) is even more obnoxious plus it makes it appear that the player has accomplished a higher degree of mastery of the fretboard. As the radical massive fretectomy procedure as discussed above removes the player's tendency to attempt to inspire awe from other guitarists vis a vis playing in high-fret positions, we have found, in our practice, that it tends to make egotistical show-offs into more-or-less reasonably decent human beings.

I am enjoying our correspondence immensely, and await your further comments and insights.

Sincerely,

Dr. O.M. Dreadnought

Subject: RE: Dear Mr. Guitar
From: John Hardly
Date: 18 Sep 02 - 12:26 PM

Dear Dr. Guitar,

I've been told that Stevie Ray played excellent blues on a 'caster.

I want to play like Stevie but I have been to every bait and tackle shop in my area, and I've tried out every caster I can get my hands on. They cast well, but making music? No way.

Even if I can get the string up to tension to pluck it, it's NYLON. What gives with that? I don't want to play on nylon strings! Are these "classical" casters?

Besides, they only have ONE STRING. How does SRV play "The House Is Rockin'" with only one string? Is he the second coming of Paganini or somethin'?!

Your prompt reply would be appreciated,

Wannabe Like Stevie ('cept not dead!)

Subject: RE: Dear Mr. Guitar
From: HuwG
Date: 18 Sep 02 - 12:43 PM

Dear Doctor Guitar,

I couldn't help noticing that the question posed by Dave Bryant was similar to mine, save that his Martin did have a "jack socket" already fitted.

I asked a friend (Mr. Amos Quito) to install one of these jack sockets on my new guitar, and he was happy to oblige free of charge. Like Mr. Bryant, I attached this to the mains via a plug with a 13-amp fuse. (Amos tells me that I need an "amp" to play a guitar, I presume this is what he meant). I can't say I noticed any difference in the sound it made after I plugged it in - it was absolutely silent both before and after this operation. However, I do notice that the previous light coloured finish of the side of the instrument with the big round hole (not the jagged one which Amos left) in it, is now the same dark mahogany colour of that long handle thingy under the bare wires.

I have also followed your advice on installing my night storage heater and dehumidifier in the guitar case. I notice that the case was a little hard to shut after this, so I bought a new case from a place called "IKEA", it now fits everything quite snugly.

On another matter, Amos tells me that most guitars have what he calls a "cutaway", to allow players to reach the higher "frets", whatever they are. As mine didn't have such a thing, he obliged with a quick twirl with a band saw. Do you have any advice on how to avoid those pesky splinters (which, being charred, are hard as nails) which this has left, getting into my, ahem, valuables, when I hold my guitar like they do on the TV ?

Yours

Robin Banks

Subject: RE: Dear Mr. Guitar
From: C-flat
Date: 18 Sep 02 - 01:30 PM

Dear Dr.Guitar,
Thank you for your recent help with my amp. problem (those new numbers certainly look like they'll do the trick!).
I am hoping that you can help me again with an item I'm reading in the recent issue of "Guitar playing sex god,(Van Halen in a day)". The article is concerned with playing high-speed lead guitar and suggests learning "licks" and using "pinched harmonicas".
My problems are threefold;
1)How practical is a lead guitar? Surely prolonged use of such a heavy instrument would cause serious back problems. Would graphite be a useful substitute?
2) Is it wise to lick anything made of lead? (I'm given to understand this could be damaging to ones intellect)
3) Would a bought harmonica not work just as well as a stolen one? Is this just part of the "Rock and Roll" mentality that I need to embrace if I'm to pursue my goal of Rock Legend?
Mrs. Sole has expressed her concern about the links between theft and drug habits, and fears that a foray into petty crime may lead me down a "dark and slippery path to ruin". She has already emptied the medicine cabinet and insists on doing the "weekly shop" by herself.
I look forward to being able to tell Mrs. Sole that her fears are groundless,
Your obedient servant,
R.Sole (Legend in waiting)

Subject: RE: Dear Mr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Richie
Date: 18 Sep 02 - 11:22 PM

Dear Dr. Guitar,

I've really learned a lot from you. I am starting to learn to fingerpick and someone suggested that if I used nails I could play louder.

Th only problem is the nails keep cutting the guitar strings and messing up the finish of my guitar. My friend said my guitar is starting to look like "Willie's Guitar". Who the heck is Willie?

The guy at the hardware store said he didn't know how to help. Please respond soon- I only have one string left.

Richie

Subject: RE: Dear Mr. Guitar
From: Mark Cohen
Date: 18 Sep 02 - 11:57 PM

Dear Dr. Guitar:

I think you should review the sites you refer people to. I'm talking about the "where not to put your fingers" page. I think it must be for foreign people because the numbers are backwards. Here in the United States of America we count things starting on the left, so string #1 comes first, then string #2, then string #3, and so on, you see what I mean. This could really cause some problems. Otherwise I think you are OK.

Aloha,
Mark

(P.S. John Hardly, do you have Jennifer's phone number?)

Subject: RE: Dear Mr. Guitar
From: Gloredhel
Date: 19 Sep 02 - 12:30 AM

Dave4Guild:

Would that be a cheerful penguin metronome whose little red bowtie slides up and down? If so, he must be somehow related to the cheerful penguin who sits on my piano.

Subject: RE: Dear Mr. Guitar
From: mooman
Date: 19 Sep 02 - 04:30 AM

Dear Robin Banks,

I have a suspicion that Mr Amos Quito may be a carrier of "guitar chord progression" syndrome (GCPS) one unfortunate side effect of which one also needs a similar sounding treatment, GPS, to overcome. I say this because only those with GCPS are really interested in those upper "sleeping policemen" on the neck that some people refer to as "frets".

I think in your case, the treatment advocated and pioneered by my esteemed colleague, Dr. O.M. Dreadnought, i.e. radical massive fretectomy, would be appropriate. I do not normally use this technique myself, not being a specialist in it, but, in your case, it would most definitely be advantageous as it would obviate hand contact with the heat-hardened splinters that Mr. Quito has unfortunately left on your guitar.

Regarding your valuables, that is another important matter. My of my clients, particularly the female ones, have told me that they have suffered loss of their valuables, usually in the dressing room, during or after a performance. I would suggest, therefore, that you that suitable precautions and protect and secure these in a safe container while playing.

Mr. Quito may have, inadvertently, added a perceived value to your guitar as it may now be considered by the less well-informed to have a true mahogany top which is, of course, more expensive. As such less well-informed people may now try to steal it because of its perceived higher value (and because they are often unwitting carriers of GCPS as well), I recommend doubling your insurance cover on it.

I agree with you about "IKEA". Presumably they make these useful innovative products because of the short but hot summers combined with long cold winters.

Yours sincerely,

Dr. Guitar

Subject: RE: Dear Mr. Guitar
From: mooman
Date: 19 Sep 02 - 04:46 AM

Dear Guest Richie,

Nails are frequently used in fingerpicking. I suspect that you are using too heavy and large a gauge. I would recommend brass nails about 3/4 inch (+/- 1.8cm) of guage about 1/32 inch (+/- 1 mm). You should snip the "heads" off of these nails with a sharp pair of wirecutters and then affix them to your fingerpicking fingers using cyanoacrylate glue or, for a more permanent fixture, epoxy glue. They should be affixed such that they project no further than about 1-16 - 1/8 inch (+/- 2 - 4 mm) beyond the tips of your fingers, according to preference.

I suggest brass nails as these are more compatible with the brass or bronze strings normally used with acoustic instruments and will cause less string wear. If you are using steel strings of course you may substitute steel nails.

Willie is most probably one of the many "Blind Willies" (a most unfortunate medical condition that they have somehow successfully managed to overcome as musicians). It is also just possible that he may be referring to a country singer named Willie Nelson who intentionally installed a second soundhole in his guitar, presumably to try to improve its sound protection.

Yours sincerely,

Dr. Guitar

Subject: RE: Dear Mr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Dr. Guitar
Date: 19 Sep 02 - 04:54 AM

Dear Patients and Readers,

I apologise for the fact that someone called "mooman" has been trying to impersonate me in a not too convincing fashion and has been dispensing advice to some of my clients. While I do not disagree in principle with the advice he has given, I have contacted him and told him to desist from this practice.

I hope now to commence service once again as normal.

Yours sincerely,

Dr. Guitar

Subject: RE: Dear Mr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Dr. Guitar
Date: 19 Sep 02 - 04:59 AM

Dear Mark Cohen,

I believe that that site is even based in the United States of America. This is unfortunately the length that sufferers of "Chord progression syndrome" will go to to confuse the ordinary person, even humble doctors such as you and I!

Yours sincerely,

Dr. Guitar

Subject: RE: Dear Mr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Dr. Guitar
Date: 19 Sep 02 - 05:09 AM

Dear Wannabe Like Stevie ('cept not dead!),

Unfortunately you will need to go to a specialist tackle shop that specialises in heavy duty saltwater equipment.

Mr Vaughan used a unique multiple rod setup with steel line of varying poundages (I believe up to 120 lbs for the low E). However, I must warn you that it will require concentrated and dedicated effort to master the multi-rod playing technique.

Incidentally, the unique note-bending effects achieved by SRV are best achieved by live recording in-situ following the hooking of a large walleye, or small shark or tuna.

Yours sincerely,

Dr. Guitar

Subject: RE: Dear Mr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Dr. Guitar
Date: 19 Sep 02 - 05:28 AM

Dear R. Sole,

I must agree with you on the use of lead as a guitar material. It's drawbacks are threefold:

- it may, indeed, cause or aggravate back problems as you describe;

- licking it could indeed be injurious to health over a period of time, this will be especially serious where oxides or other salts have accumulated due to the spillage of beverages on the surface;

- there will, naturally, be problems at the end-of-life disposal phase of the guitar, where there is a possibility of environmental damage. The last point is covered under draft EU legislation if you are a European citizen.

Graphite is a perfectly acceptable substitute as it is formed from non-toxic and environmentally-friendly elemental carbon. The following site extolls the many virtues of graphite as a guitar material:

Why graphite is such a good material for guitars!

I quite agree with Mrs. Sole and there is no point in opening yourself to the road to perdition or in causing marital tension. I recommend that you buy a new harmonica, preferably in the key of A or E, and then pinch it yourself by compression between the jaws of a heavy workbence vice. This will apply the necessary vice in a perfectly legal manner and simulate the "pinched harmonica" effect very well. You may proceed then in your quest as Rock Legend without fear of litigation (at least as regards theft).

I believe this will reassure Mrs Sole and enable you to have your medication to hand in the normal manner in your bathroom cabinet.

Yours sincerely,

Dr. Guitar

Subject: RE: Dear Mr. Guitar
From: mooman
Date: 19 Sep 02 - 05:38 AM

Dear Mudcatters,

I have been contacted by a displeased Dr. Guitar and must offer my sincere apologies to both him and to all for trying to impersonate him in recent posts. At least I am grateful for his kind words that I did not mislead anyone.

I can only put it down to the fact that I had a full bottle in front of me and do not wish again to risk a radical massive fretectomy.

Once again my apologies and sincere wish to be readmitted to the Mudcat fold.

Humbly,

mooman

Subject: RE: Dear Mr. Guitar
From: Steve Parkes
Date: 19 Sep 02 - 05:53 AM

Dear Dr Guitar,
I have recently taken up the guitar, and so I was very interested to discover this clinic, hoping to learn a lot of useful tints and hips. But many of the things I've read don't seem to apply to my guitar; I think maybe mine is a little unusual. In the first place, instead of having a little hole in the body, there is just a hole, which somebody has covered in plastic (to stop the strings falling inside, I guess). Next, there is a string missing, and one of the remaining five has slipped way down the neck (maybe it was overtightened at some time?)

Do I need a new huitar? Or should I get an accordion instead?

Martin Colitis

Subject: RE: Dear Mr. Guitar
From: Steve Parkes
Date: 19 Sep 02 - 06:01 AM

Dear Dr Guitar,
I've just looked at the page you linked to above on graphite guitars. Surely, a deaf test on a papier mache guitar would be better than a blind test? You'd still be able to hear it with your eyes shut! And I don't think damp wood is very good for making guitars, it would go all slimy--or is that what you call slide guitar?

MC

PS As accordions have a lot of papier mache in the bellows, would a deaf test be appropriate for them?

Subject: RE: Dear Mr. Guitar
From: HuwG
Date: 19 Sep 02 - 08:50 AM

Dear Dr. Guitar

Firstly, thank you, and mooman too, for your efforts on my behalf. After reading mooman's advice to me, another 'Catter, a friend of Amos Quito who goes by the pseudonym of "Helen OtherMossie" in order to protect her identity, called to inspect my new guitar. She was unfortunately struck by a severe coughing fit, but managed to say that it was quite unique, and too valuable to be played. I have therefore hung it in pride of place in my living room. Incidentally, I have been having some difficulty in following the diagrams which accompany the mounting which she left me for this purpose. I can secure the mounting to the neck of the guitar, using the G-clamps which are part of this mounting, but the open ring, which I assume is to fit over a convenient light fitting, is in the wrong plane; when I slip it over the light fitting, the guitar twists round and wrenches the light off the wall. However, this is a minor matter.

Miss Othermossie suggests that I take up another instrument, which I think she called a "boron", or something similar. I don't think she can spell very well, it's impossible to pronounce all the d's and h's which she included in the word. I don't recall seeing too many of these on the pop and festival programs which I watch on the TV; can anyone tell me why this should not be so popular an instrument ?

Yours,

Robin Banks

Subject: RE: Dear Mr. Guitar
From: C-flat
Date: 19 Sep 02 - 12:14 PM

" can only put it down to the fact that I had a full bottle in front of me
Moonman, are you sure that shouldn't read full frontal lobotomy? :~)
C-flat.

Subject: RE: Dear Mr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Richie
Date: 19 Sep 02 - 09:37 PM

Dear Dr. Guitar,

I don't know if you've ever dealt with this before but I think there's a mouse in my guitar!

The funny thing is I never hear him unless I'm playing. My wife and I looked in the hole and we couldn't find him. Then I start playing and there's that scratching noise again.

Somebody said it had something to do with the strings... but what!? I oiled them down good and I still heard that racally varmin- scraping- scraping. He must have a good place to hide- there a whole 'nother world in there.

I put more 3 in 1 oil on, but it didn't help. Do I need to get an exterminator or should I just leave a few crumbs out for him to eat.

You don't think he'd bite me do you?

Richie

Subject: RE: Dear Mr. Guitar
From: John Hardly
Date: 19 Sep 02 - 10:24 PM

Dear Mr. Guitar,

You do know that music makes no sense?

My case:

1. 12 notes = 7 letters. So rather than having A-L we add Sharps and Flats.

2. F.....um........no sharp? Is that even fair?

3. B gets a flat?

I may sue.

Any defense?

Ham Jordan

Subject: RE: Dear Mr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Dr. Guitar
Date: 26 Sep 02 - 06:55 AM

My Dear Patients,

I do apologise so much for not having attended to your needs in recent days. I know that this must be distressing to you but I hope you will excuse a poor old overworked guitar doctor who has many queing at his humble door.

Dear Mr Colitis,

Yours is a rather serious case I fear. I have noticed these unusual guitars several times and, indeed, people who one can only assume are misguided in some way have covered the soundhole with a greater degree of proficiency in either what appear to be synthetic or caprine-derived materials. I can only assume that they do not like the sound of their guitar and are, in some way, trying to mask its harsh tones.

The fact theat there are only five strings rather implies a manufacturing fault or poor coonstruction or that the instrument builder in question had limited playing abilities him/herself and attempted to build an instrument based upon his or her own capabilities. I suspect that both are true as evidenced by the poor construction that has allowed one of the tuners to slip part of the way up the neck. Overtightening could be a cause, especially if an over-heavy guage low E guitar string has been used.

I have, from time to time, seen some of these instruments and I suggest that it may be worth hanging on to it as a curiosity or curio. Indeed, there appear to be many collectors of such curios appearing these days so, one day, maybe even today if your instrument is vintage or has other "collectible qualities", it may be worth something.

Despite my extensive experience, I have never seen a huitar so, unfortunately, cannot comment on this suggestion. To avoid unfortunate social consequences, I do not recommend that you purchase an accordion. Indeed I have seen that the renowned author Proulx has published an inventory of "accordion crimes" so such an instrument could lead you to a path of infraction or misdemeanour in a worst-case scenario.

Yours sincerely,

Dr. Guitar

Subject: RE: Dear Mr. Guitar
From: GUEST
Date: 26 Sep 02 - 07:08 AM

Oh! Mr Colitis...good to see you again!

I believe that you are right in both cases. Certainly a deaf test would be more appropriate for the accordion.

In general, wet wood does not work well in making guitars. On the other hand ...neither does dry wood. This is hard to understand I know. What you have to ensure is that you have wood that is not too wet, nor too dry. Unfortunately, this delicate balance must be maintained during the lifecycle of the instrument and is also influenced by temperature, hence my advice to Robin Banks above to store both his dehumidifier and his night storage heater in his guitar case.

If you wish to slide on your guitar, I would suggest using a suitable combination of lemon oil and carnauba wax and this should supply the necessary lubricity with damaging the finish.

Yours sincerely,

Dr. Guitar

Subject: RE: Dear Mr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Dr. Guitar
Date: 26 Sep 02 - 07:28 AM

Oh..I do apologise for not signed the "from" box above. However I can assure you that the letter was from my goodself and not some imposter like mooman.

Dear Robin Banks,

I believe concerning the mounting device that you may have inadvertantly mixed up Miss Othermossie's mounting instructions with those left over from your new "IKEA" guitar case. These instructions, being pictorial as they are, are often extremely hard to follow. If all else fails you could try a nail and piece of string.

I blieve the "boron" to which you refer could be an anglicized name for a rather dangerous "instrument of mass percussion" which is now banned, along with certain other instruments of mass percussion, under the recent Drumcree Convention. I would make discrete enquiries with the relevant authorities about Miss Othermossie to ensure that she is not an agent of one of the "rogue states" where IOMP inspectors have not been able to carry out their dutues. Regarding the lost "d" and "h", it only goes to show how dangerous these instruments can be, even when silent.

Yours sincerely,

Dr. Guitar

Subject: RE: Dear Mr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Dr. Guitar
Date: 26 Sep 02 - 07:32 AM

Dear C-flat

I suspect that you may have a good medical point there! However, whether the cause was surgical, as you suggest, or due to alcoholism (which is also a medical condition), the poor man is more to be pitied than despised!

Yours sincerely,

Dr. Guitar

Subject: RE: Dear Mr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Alan Nuss
Date: 26 Sep 02 - 08:19 AM

Dear sir, Why is it that when i play my guitar to an audience with the strings facing outwards - i.e towards them, their faces become very, well.... sad, and subsequently they ask me to desist! However, if i play (the same) guitar to an audience with the strings facing backwards - i.e towards me, they all seem to be overjoyed! Why should this be so? Best regards A.Nuss

Subject: RE: Dear Mr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Peter Nuss
Date: 26 Sep 02 - 08:35 AM

Dear Sir, I am a lumberjack and i want to become a musician. I play my "axe" regularly, unfortunately i have lost two fingers and have seriously lascerated my groin - am i holding my instrument correctly?? Yours P.Nuss