Song Challenge! - Part 61

Subject: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 61
From: Áine
Date: 19 Jul 01 - 09:50 PM

I was going to wait until the morning to start this Challenge!; but, I figured I'd give the 'Catters across the pond an opportunity to have the first crack(s) at this one -- it's just so atypically American ;-) So, close your eyes, get a good funk beat going in your brains (circa 1970), hear those horns blaring and that humongous trap set making the stadium floor bounce, and in your mind's eye -- Here comes The Soulman, James Brown, out to the center of the stage, grabbing that mic off the stand, twisting his toes into a blur of black patent leather, and screaming at ya:

Whoa, HOT PANTS! Good Lawd, That's Where It's At! -- Colorado Springs, Colorado, Jun 27, 2001 -- If you're thinking about going to the mall in that snappy aluminum-lined underwear in the back of your dresser drawer, think again.

Beginning Sunday, it will be illegal in Colorado to wear aluminum underwear.

OK, there's a caveat. You can wear aluminum briefs and lingerie as long as it's for personal amusement - but not if it is to help steal by foiling stores' anti-shoplifting devices.

The new law is no laughing matter ... really.

"This is serious business," said Sen. Stephanie Takis, one of the bill's sponsors. "We have laws against using crowbars as theft devices, but if you were lining your underwear with aluminum foil, that was not a crime."

And by golly, said Takis, it should be. She cited several Denver-area malls that have caught shoplifters with aluminum-lined shopping bags and even the so-called "iron pants" and could do nothing to stop it.

Steve Miller, an attorney who helped draft the bill: "I don't know if it was the highlight of my career, but I got the assignment."

Miller said the bill went through several evolutions - "or devolutions depending on your viewpoint" - before it received Gov. Bill Owens' approval.

Essentially, it makes it a misdemeanor to make, wear or know others are wearing aluminum underwear if they intend to use it to fool stores' theft-protection devices. Those devices electronically sense when merchandise leaving the store hasn't been handled by a cashier, and foil can interfere with that detection.

Miller said the new law also gives store employees civil and criminal immunity if they stop shoppers who crackle when they walk.

GO FOR THE FUNK, CHALLENGE!RS!!

-- Áine

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 61
From: Amos
Date: 20 Jul 01 - 12:50 AM

DON'T WEAR YOUR DRAWERS TO TOWN

Tune: Don't Take Your Guns to Town, by J. R. Cash
Click to Play

                    A young JD named Sammy Grant
                    Grew restless in the 'burbs
                    A boy who wanted many things
                   Including "special" herbs
                    He changed his clothes and spiked his hair
                    And let his shirt hang down
                    But his mother called from the sewing room:

                    "Don't wear your drawers to town, son
                    Leave your drawers at home, Sam
                    Don't wear your drawers to town."

                    He sang as he drove into town,
                    He was feelin' might pleased
                    For underneath his Levis he
                    Wore Reynolds' BVDs
                    He stopped along the Interstate, his longjohns sagging down
                    But his mother's words echoed again:
 
                    "Don't wear your drawers to town, son
                    Leave your drawers at home, Sam
                    Don't wear your drawers to town."

                    He strolled into a shopping mall to lift some great CDs
                    And find some brand new running shoes, young Brenda Snope to please
                    He saw the cashier smile at him, her eyes were deep and brown,
                    And he heard again his mother's words;

                    "Don't wear your drawers to town, son
                    Leave your drawers at home, Sam
                    Don't wear your drawers to town."

                    Now Sammy he was strangely stirred, the lass was young and firm.
                    His blood began to heat within, and his loins began to squirm
                    His swelling boyhood tore through the foil, with a loud and crinkling sound
                    And he heard again his mothers words:

                    "Don't wear your drawers to town, son
                    Leave your drawers at home, Sam
                    Don't wear your drawers to town."

                    The comely cashier pushed a bell as toward her he did stray;
                    She heard the rustle in his jeans of tinfoil giving way!
                    And though he flashed his bestest smile, she gave him a cold frown;
                     But still he wished he'd heeded Mom:

                    "Don't wear your drawers to town, son
                    Leave your drawers at home, Sam
                    Don't wear your drawers to town."

                    His dreams of lust came tumbling , and he turned with wild alarm,
                    As  store detective Devereaux up and took him by the arm!
                    His dreams and his ambitions 'foiled', his tool and head hung down,
                    He realized what his mother meant:

                    "Don't wear your drawers to town, son
                    Leave your drawers at home, Sam
                    Don't wear your drawers to town."

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 61
From: wysiwyg
Date: 20 Jul 01 - 01:09 AM

O U 2!

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 61
From: JenEllen
Date: 20 Jul 01 - 02:32 AM

HOT PANT EXPLOSION

Well, I've worked here a while
And seen lots of things
But the latest has me in a thrall
The memo that came 'cross my security desk said
No more tin foil panties in the mall

It's been narry a week
Since the notice came down
Causing all of this commotion
Victoria's Secret is secret no more
We've got us a hot pant explosion

No one believes me
The guys at the bar
Are laughing with me every night
Shoplifter's excuses
Can bring you to tears
Or cause you one hell of a fright

It's been narry a week
Since the notice came down
Causing all of this commotion
Victoria's Secret is secret no more
We've got us a hot pant explosion

The woman we caught
In electronics last night
Thought she was incredibly wise
Said the aliens might be
Reading her brain waves
(Sorry, m'am that one only works for the guys...)

It's been narry a week
Since the notice came down
Causing all of this commotion
Victoria's Secret is secret no more
We've got us a hot pant explosion

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 61
From: Amos
Date: 20 Jul 01 - 08:49 AM

LOL, Jen!! Hot pants explosion!! Major security alert!! Confition Red!!! Ahhhoooga!!! Dive! Dive! Brain waves, indeed!

Love,

A

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 61
From: Áine
Date: 20 Jul 01 - 09:32 AM

Brilliant -- Both of you! Two fantastic openers for this crinkly Challenge! Here are your (brand new, hot off the back of the truck, and personally shined for each of you) Silver B.L.O.B.s --

To Amos, B.O.T.F. for:

He sang as he drove into town,
He was feelin' might pleased
For underneath his Levis he
Wore Reynolds' BVDs
He stopped along the Interstate, his longjohns sagging down
But his mother's words echoed again:
"Don't wear your drawers to town, son
Leave your drawers at home, Sam
Don't wear your drawers to town."


And to the omnicreative JenEllen for:

The woman we caught
In electronics last night
Thought she was incredibly wise
Said the aliens might be
Reading her brain waves
(Sorry, m'am that one only works for the guys...)


Way to go, Challenge!rs!! -- Áine

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 61
From: MMario
Date: 20 Jul 01 - 10:20 AM

Foil Bikini
(tune:Yellow Polka-Dot Bikini)

She was afraid as she sat in the hoosgow
She was as nervous as she could be
She was afraid she'd get thrown in the lock-up
All 'cuz of her new bikini!

"6, 8, 10 - she won't ever shoplift again!"

It was a shiny little crinkly brittle foil wrap of a bikini
That she wore for the first time today
a shiny little crinkly brittle foil wrap of a bikini
she only bought to enhance her foreplay

Well she put it on under her street clothes
Which they say was to help steal the loot
But the truth was her boyfriend likes metal
And thinks al-u-min-i-um's cute

"2, 4, 6, yes we know, it's kinda sick!"

It was a shiny little crinkly brittle foil wrap of a bikini
That she wore for the first time today
a shiny little crinkly brittle foil wrap of a bikini
she only bought to enhance her foreplay

She went into the store for some chocolate
It was one of those days don't you know!
But the lines were so long she just stashed it
Down her bra; then she started to go

"4, 6, 8, Never made it through the gate!"

It was a shiny little crinkly brittle foil wrap of a bikini
That she wore for the first time today
a shiny little crinkly brittle foil wrap of a bikini
she only bought to enhance her foreplay

The alarms they went off in a flurry
Sirens, lights and commotion galore
Security came running in a hurry
Handcuffed her ; took her down to the floor

"7, 5, 1 & 3 - can you say brutality?"

It was a shiny little crinkly brittle foil wrap of a bikini
That she wore for the first time today
a shiny little crinkly brittle foil wrap of a bikini
she only bought to enhance her foreplay

Now she's afraid as shesits in the hoosgow
For the law is against her you see
And what's more she has dropped her can opener
And she's fears that she now has to pee!

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 61
From: Amos
Date: 20 Jul 01 - 10:29 AM

Hahahahaha!!!

Mario, you got Da Touch, mon!!!

A

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 61
From: Bill D
Date: 20 Jul 01 - 10:36 AM

lol...new hits on the charts in "Tin Pants Alley"

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 61
From: mousethief
Date: 20 Jul 01 - 12:23 PM

Well, since the attorney who drafted the bill was Steve Miller, this should be set to at least one Steve Miller tune.

Shopliftin' Ladies
tune; Rockin' Me Baby

Well I've been working real hard to stop shoplifting at stores
But it just keeps gettin' tougher every day
But I gotta do my part to find goods in the cart
With anti-theft tags that have not been disabled

I design hi-tech receptors used as shopping inspectors
That start wailing when you smuggle stuff out
But now shoplifters dare to wear foil-lined underwear
And it's made me start to tear my hair out

Can't catch those shoplifting ladies
Can't catch those shoplifting ladies
Can't catch those shoplifting ladies
Can't catch those shoplifting, shoplifting, lifting,
Baby baby baby it's those shop-
Shoplifting ladies
It's those darn shop-
Shoplifting ladies
Ooooo, ooooo, yeah.

They're down in Phoenix Arizona, and they're up in Tacoma,
Philadelphia, Atlanta, L.A.
Wearing silver panties that my beams can't see through
So they can shoplift with impunitay

But now a law's been put through up in Coloradoo
That makes wearing metal panties a crime
If there's a crinkle or rustle in your skivvies or bustle
You'll be in the jailhouse doin' hard time

If you're a shoplifting lady
If you're a shoplifting lady
If you're a shoplifting lady
If you're a shoplifting, shoplifting, lifting,
Baby baby baby you're a shop-
Shoplifting lady
If you're a shoplift-
Shoplifting lady
Ooooo, ooooo, yeah.

Copyright © 2001 Alex Riggle. All Rights Reserved.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 61
From: Kim C
Date: 20 Jul 01 - 12:31 PM

This reminds me of that scene in Spinal Tap where the guy gets caught at the airport with the foil-wrapped cucumber in his pants...............

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 61
From: MMario
Date: 20 Jul 01 - 12:50 PM

Song of the Security Guard
(Tune:Shine on Harvest Moon)

Move on, Move on silver'd moon, keep walkin' by
I ain't had no theft here since January February June or July
No time is stole time, so stay oudoors, you goon
Move on, move on silver'd moon, - or cite you shall I!

The store is mighty dark, but still I surely see
Silver foil on your cheeks
Where good cotton cloth should be
If it's fun you seek
Lifting merchandise for which you didn't pay
Go find another place, foilbutt,
in which to make your play

Move on, Move on silver'd moon, keep walkin' by
I ain't had no theft here since January February June or July
No time is stole time, so stay oudoors, you goon
Move on, move on silver'd moon, - or cite you shall I!

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 61
From: JenEllen
Date: 20 Jul 01 - 01:05 PM

LOL MMario! Brilliant!!

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 61
From: mousethief
Date: 20 Jul 01 - 01:10 PM

That's good, Mmario, and your first one is GREAT! Very enjoyable, everybody!

Line My Libido
tune: Fly like an Eagle

Beep beep beep (doo-doo-doodoo!)
Beep beep beep

Beep beep beep (doo-doo-doodoo!)
Beep beep beep

Theftguards keep beepin' beepin' beepin'
When I walk through them
Theftguards keep beepin' beepin' beepin'
When I walk through them

Steal the small stuff, that's what I like to do
Steal the good stuff, with high resale value
Steal the expensive, but these tags make me blue
Oh-ho, what's the solution?

I wanna line my libido, my BVD's
Line my libido, let that tinfoil cover me
I want to line my libido, can't catch me
Oh-ho, that's the solution

But this foil keeps on rippin' rippin' rippin'
Down in my bluejeans

Foil keeps on rippin' rippin' rippin'
Down in my bluejeans
repeat and fade

Copyright © 2001 Alex Riggle. All Rights Reserved

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 61
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 20 Jul 01 - 03:30 PM

The Lifter by Steal Miller

Some people call me the space cadet, yeah
Some say I'm a man among men
Some people call the police
Cause I wear underwear of tin

Judge is talkin to me baby
Say I'm doin' wrong, doin' wrong
Well, don't you worry baby
Don't worry
Cause I'm wearin foil and I'm hung

Cause I'm a lifter
I'm a shifter
I'm a shiner
And I'm a grifter
I put my music in my pants

I'm a stealer
I'm a squealer
I'm a Tin Foil feeler
When there's static I sure dance

Cause I'm a lifter
I'm a shifter
I'm a shiner
And I'm a grifter
I put my music in my pants

I'm a stealer
I'm a squealer
I'm a Tin Foil feeler
In my skivvies I will prance
Wooo Wooooo

You're the sweetest thing
That I ever did taste
I really love your wrapping
Want to foil your face
Lovey-dovey, lovey-dovey, lovey-dovey all the time
Ooo-eee baby, I'll sure show you a good time

Cause I'm a lifter
I'm a shifter
I'm a shiner
And I'm a grifter
I put my music in my pants

I'm a stealer
I'm a squealer
I'm a Tin Foil feeler
When there's static I sure dance

Cause I'm a lifter
I'm a shifter
I'm a shiner
And I'm a grifter
I put my music in my pants

I'm a stealer
I'm a squealer
I'm a Tin Foil feeler
In my skivvies I will prance
Wooo Wooooo

Judge is talkin to me baby
Say I'm doin' wrong, doin' wrong
Well, don't you worry baby
Don't worry
Cause I'm wearin, wearin foil and I'm hung

You're the sweetest thing
That I ever did taste
I really love your wrapping
Want to foil your face
Lovey-dovey, lovey-dovey, lovey-dovey all the time
Ooo-eee baby, I'll sure show you a good time

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 61
From: mousethief
Date: 20 Jul 01 - 03:55 PM

Nicely done, Jack the Sailor!

Crinkle Briefs
tune: Jungle Love

I met you in Northcenter Mall Square
You said you'd arrested me before
But I didn't have any mall fare
I'd stolen from any mall store

You told me that that didn't matter
And then you burst out in a grin
"I'm going to arrest you," you stuttered,
"For your underwear made out of tin!"

Crinkle briefs, they're driving me mad, they're making me crazy
Crinkle briefs, they're driving me mad, they're making me crazy

You treat me like it was illegal
To wear these aluminum briefs
And then you tell me that we'll go
To the station; "Don't give me no grief"

I see a headline in the paper:
The governor signed a new law
No metal shorts allowed to drape her
No foil is allowed in her bra!

(repeat chorus)

Copyright © 2001 Alex Riggle. All Rights Reserved.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 61
From: mousethief
Date: 20 Jul 01 - 04:41 PM

Put the Foil on Your Buns
tune: Take the Money and Run

This here's the story 'bout Billy Joe and Bobby Sue
Two shoplifters with nothing better to do
Than try to find a way to beat the tag-detection crew
Here's what happened when they discovered what to do

They headed down to a K-mart in Denver
Billy Joe stayed in the car, and Bobby Sue he sent her
Bobby Sue got arrested when the security guard met her
Billy Joe put the foil on his buns

Singing, Go on, put the foil on your buns
Go on, put the foil on your buns
Go on, put the foil on your buns (oooooh Lord!)
Go on, put the foil on your buns

Stevie M. is a lawyer in Colorado
He helps the legislature in their law-writing battle
He ain't gonna let those laws get struck down by no Justice
He makes his living writing legalspeak prattle

Bobby Sue, whoa, she slipped away
Billy Joe caught up to her the very next day
They bought some foil, hey, and now they get away
With stuffin' stuff into their pants every day

Singin' Go on, put the foil on your buns
(etc)

Copyright © 2001 Alex Riggle. All Rights Reserved.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 61
From: GUEST,Faithful Departed
Date: 21 Jul 01 - 02:25 AM

To the tune of Jim JonesOh come listen to me story, boys
And hear me tell me tale
How the long arm of the law, me boys
Caught Jim Jones by the tail
And it swung me like a flail, me boys
Ten times around its head
And it flung me into jail, me boys
From whence I'm not yet fled

So take a tip before you slip into them metal knicks
The word is out, they know about our clever little tricks
Our clever little tricks they say their cover has been blown
So out the door you'll slip no more and safely home Jim Jones

It seems an honest thief, me boys
Is doomed to pay the price
I thought I'd fooled the law, me boys
They took me by surprise
With their scanners and their magnetrons
It's just like Dr Who
And now it seems they've cottoned on
To the likes of me and you

So take a tip before you slip into them metal knicks
The word is out, they know about our clever little tricks
Our clever little tricks they say their cover has been blown
So out the door you'll slip no more and safely home Jim Jones

I'm hanging up me gear, me boys
To never resurrect.
Me poacher's pocket, balaclava,
Stocking I'll neglect
Me dead-of-night, me out-of-sight,
Me in-out-and-away
And me underpants, that creaked by chance
And gave my game away

So take a tip before you slip into them metal knicks
The word is out, they know about our clever little tricks
Our clever little tricks they say their cover has been blown
So out the door you'll slip no more and safely home Jim Jones

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 61
From: Áine
Date: 21 Jul 01 - 10:17 AM

Way to go, Challenge!rs! I knew this one would make your bells and whistles go off. I'm so glad to see that you're really getting a charge out of it, too. Here are your non-metallic virtual Silver B.L.O.B.s, guaranteed to set off alarms only on the Mudcat:

To MMario for:

Now she's afraid as shesits in the hoosgow
For the law is against her you see
And what's more she has dropped her can opener
And she's fears that she now has to pee!

AND for:

The store is mighty dark, but still I surely see
Silver foil on your cheeks
Where good cotton cloth should be
If it's fun you seek
Lifting merchandise for which you didn't pay
Go find another place, foilbutt,
in which to make your play


To mousethief for his 'authoritay' with 'impunitay':

They're down in Phoenix Arizona, and they're up in Tacoma,
Philadelphia, Atlanta, L.A.
Wearing silver panties that my beams can't see through
So they can shoplift with impunitay

AND for:

I wanna line my libido, my BVD's
Line my libido, let that tinfoil cover me
I want to line my libido, can't catch me
Oh-ho, that's the solution

AND for the 'I-can't-get-it-outa-my-head:

Crinkle briefs, they're driving me mad, they're making me crazy
Crinkle briefs, they're driving me mad, they're making me crazy

AND for:

They headed down to a K-mart in Denver
Billy Joe stayed in the car, and Bobby Sue he sent her
Bobby Sue got arrested when the security guard met her
Billy Joe put the foil on his buns


To Jack the Sailor for his uplifting:

Cause I'm a lifter
I'm a shifter
I'm a shiner
And I'm a grifter
I put my music in my pants


To Faithful Departed for the very clever:

So take a tip before you slip into them metal knicks
The word is out, they know about our clever little tricks
Our clever little tricks they say their cover has been blown
So out the door you'll slip no more and safely home Jim Jones


Whew! Your combined creativity is exhausting -- I've gotta have another cup of coffee now . . . Keep it going, Challenge!rs!!

-- Áine

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 61
From: Amos
Date: 21 Jul 01 - 11:08 AM

TGG rides again!!! Sure does bring out the best in folks!!

A

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 61
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 21 Jul 01 - 12:03 PM

How about Roger Miller???

Flail Me
Codger Miller

Well here I sit, gettin' ideas
Ain't nothing but a fool would dress like this
I don't want to work or toil
Gonads covered with aluminum foil

CHORUS:
Jail me, jail me
They oughta take a rope and flail me
The prisoners in the sell will nail me
Don't need to find a date for me

Just sittin' playing poker' with the rest of the guys
Bet ten cigarettes and I raised five
I lost my clothes but I got it made
The boys said they would take it out in trade.

(CHORUS)

They say prison is bad and it sure is hurtful
Tinfoil is hot and my balls are purple
Well I'm the most pop'lar pris'ner here
Because of my metal
Underwear

(CHORUS)

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 61
From: Amos
Date: 21 Jul 01 - 02:45 PM

LOL!! Jack is every inch a songster....

A

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 61
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 21 Jul 01 - 05:40 PM

Thanks Amos! yer purty good yerself

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 61
From: Áine
Date: 21 Jul 01 - 07:01 PM

Oh Jack the Sailor, you're a wee deveel ain't ya? ;-) Here's your Silver B.L.O.B. for a Silverplated Spittoon worthy:

Well here I sit, gettin' ideas
Ain't nothing but a fool would dress like this
I don't want to work or toil
Gonads covered with aluminum foil


Luving it, Áine

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 61
From: Áine
Date: 23 Jul 01 - 10:04 AM

refresh

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 61
From: katlaughing
Date: 23 Jul 01 - 01:31 PM

And, where is the one you are working on, awchee? I expected to see it here by now?!

luvyamehitabel

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 61
From: SharonA
Date: 24 Jul 01 - 09:31 AM

There are some truly amazing, riotously funny songs in this thread!! Sorry it took me so long to get around to writing anything (I hate it when life gets in the way of parody!).

In one of the recent SONG CHALLENGE! threads, MMario observed that I have a sick, twisted, demented mind... so it seems I now have a reputation to uphold! With that in mind, I submit two offerings for those of you with strong stomachs...


ONE TIN-FOILED REAR (The Legend of Grill E. Rack)
Tune: "One Tin Soldier (The Legend of Billy Jack)"

Listen, prisoners, to a story
Short on briefs but long on gore
'Bout a judge inside a courtroom
And the lad he hungered for.

In the mall, the boy sought treasures
Buried them beside his stones
In the secret undergarment
Made of tin-foil that he owns.

CHORUS:
Go ahead and baste him, neighbor.
Go ahead and eat him, friend.
Cook him with a flame or oven;
You can just apply heat to his end.
There won't be many rump roasts
Done the judge-man's way
On the wood he's warming up there:
One tin-foiled rear fries away.

When the young man left the mall, he
Was arrested by a guard.
Though his theft went undetected,
That kid's hard-on seemed too hard.

Came the day of trial and sentence
And the judge said, "For your crime
Of impersonating meat in
Reynolds Wrap, your ass is mine."

CHORUS:
Go ahead and baste him, neighbor.
Go ahead and eat him, friend.
Cook him with a flame or oven;
You can just apply heat to his end.
There won't be many rump roasts
Done the judge-man's way
On the wood he's warming up there:
One tin-foiled rear fries away.

Now the judge announced a cookout
At his house for all the courts
And they brought the prisoner to it
Still clad in his shiny shorts

Now they stood beside the boy who
Bragged of what his tattoo said,
Tore the foil and looked beneath it:
"Eat me"; that was all they read.

CHORUS:
Go ahead and baste him, neighbor.
Go ahead and eat him, friend.
Cook him with a flame or oven;
You can just apply heat to his end.
There won't be many rump roasts
Done the judge-man's way
On the wood he's warming up there:
One tin-foiled rear fries away.



STOCKY ROUND TIN HIDE (Colorado)
Tune: "Rocky Mountain High"

He was mourned by his mother; he was never heaven near,
Bummin', roamin' to Macy's and each other store.
He left honesty behind him, you might say he would scorn good men.
You might say he got things free through every door.

When he first wrapped foil around him, his mind was far away
On the load of stuff he'd steal ere long.
But the tin's all that he's hopin' will disguise the loot in there.
He keeps changin' pants 'cause tin foil can't stay strong.

But his Colorado Stocky Round Tin Hide
I've seen it strainin' far from inside
The crinkling at his waistline is louder than I can abide
Stocky Round Tin Hide (Colorado)
Stocky Round Tin Hide (Colorado)

He climbed the escalator, the mall's silv'ry stores below.
He saw merchandise as far as he could see.
And they say that he got greedy once: tried to steal a microwave
And it zapped his ass at full capacity

Then he walked into the lavatory to give vent to his screams
Seeking ways to put out all the flame.
His flight into the toilet electrocuted the poor man
Whose stupidity was what clearly brought him fame.

But his Colorado Stocky Round Tin Hide
I've seen it strainin' far from inside
Talked to guards who listened to it sizzle as it fried
Stocky Round Tin Hide (Colorado)
Stocky Round Tin Hide (Colorado)

Now his life is done and over, but our ears still know and hear
Of the simpleton who could not comprehend,
When he tried to stick a microwave down inside his tin-foil drawers,
That he should unplug the other end.

But his Colorado Stocky Round Tin Hide
I've seen it strainin' far from inside
I know he'd be alive today if he stole a microwaving guide
Stocky Round Tin Hide (Colorado)
Stocky Round Tin Hide (Colorado)

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 61
From: MMario
Date: 24 Jul 01 - 09:35 AM

delightful! It's a good thing my co-workers are used to unexplained bursts of laughter coming out of my cubicle.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 61
From: mousethief
Date: 24 Jul 01 - 11:51 AM

SharonA, you are a natural. "You might say he would scorn good men" is an incredible line! I am humbled!

Death by microwave. What a way to go.

alex

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 61
From: mousethief
Date: 24 Jul 01 - 12:02 PM

Come Line Your Pants
(tune: Swing Town)

Come line your pants.
Come line your pants
You can shoplift 'thout a second glance
You know the rays are scanning
And the guards are panning
So you've got to line your fanny
with tin foil

We've been lifting so much
Got the five-fingered touch
Come on baby, come on, tin-foil your pants

chicka-bum-sh-bum-bump
chicka-bum-sh-bum-bump
O-o, O-o-o, O-o-o-o.
O-o, O-o-o, O-o.

Come line your pants
Come line your pants
You may not get another chance
You know the rays are raying
And the cops are playing
And it's no good praying
Without tin-foil

Do you want to get caught?
We don't want to get caught!
Come on baby, come on, tin foil your pants!

chicka-bum-sh-bum-bump
chicka-bum-sh-bum-bump
O-o, O-o-o, O-o-o-o.
O-o, O-o-o, O-o.

(repeat "O-o" part, add ocean waves SFX, and fade)

Copyright © 2001 Alex Riggle. All Rights Reserved.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 61
From: mousethief
Date: 24 Jul 01 - 12:26 PM

The Ballad of the Sam Goody Shoplifter
tune: Snoopy vs. the Red Baron

(Chorus)
10, 20, 30, 40, 50 or more
That shopliftin' fiend is rollin' up the score
80 CD's were the awful spree
Of the shoplifting champ of Sam Goody

After the turn of the century
In the North District Plaza Sam Goody
Came a steady trickle of unpaid CD's
Goin through the door in someone's BVD's

Down at the mall, a shoplifting chump
Reynolds Wrap plastered to her pale white rump
80 cd's walked out through that door
Of the hi-tech protected Sam Goody store

(Chorus)

Now Bob of the Mall Security Guard
Was a funny looking guy with an NRA card
He stuck to that store like a postage stamp
But the lifter nicked another (curses foiled again!)

(Chorus)

Now Bob he swore he'd get a foolproof plan
So he asked the high-tech geeks 'bout the door-guard scan
They told him about the tin-foil trick
While Bob was laughin, another CD was nicked

(Chorus)

Then the Colorado Legislature made a fix
And allowed Bob to apprehend all crinkle-rumped chicks
The lifter lifted once and then she lifted twice
Then Bob heard that tin-foil rustle in her panties, out o' sight!

(Chorus)

Copyright © 2001 Alex Riggle. All Rights Reserved.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 61
From: mousethief
Date: 24 Jul 01 - 12:27 PM

Please add to previous:

The Ballad of the Sam Goody Shoplifter
tune: Snoopy vs. the Red Baron

Thanks! Alex

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 61
From: SharonA
Date: 24 Jul 01 - 01:40 PM

Bravo, Alex! I myself am partial to: "He stuck to that store like a postage stamp"!

SharonA

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 61
From: MMario
Date: 24 Jul 01 - 02:06 PM

of course, if you are afflicted with spoonerism-itis - the next line reads: but the nick-er licked another....

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 61
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 24 Jul 01 - 02:16 PM

The tin foiled knickered quicker slicker nicker?

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 61
From: LoopySanchez
Date: 24 Jul 01 - 02:44 PM

Ok, I couldn't resist tossing another log on the fire... Here's my cornballish take on the subject, 20 minutes and lots of bad rhymes. Enjoy!

Metal Liner (To the tune of "Jet Airliner")

Stealin' things, sure can be fun
Don't tell me it's wrong,
Hidin' it all in my fruit of the looms,
I've been stealin' it for so long

And security seemed so far away
But they caught me when I tried to run
Don't want to go back to jail again
So I've found a new way that it's done,

CHORUS
Oh, Underwear's metal liner
Won't let me get caught with the goods
Oh, Underwear's metal liner
Makes it hurt when I get wood

Goodbye to my testosterone
Goodbye to women who've lusted
I kept this foil on my boys too long
Ain't no use for a penis that's rusted
But my crotch is filled with goodies
that I stole from the mall, like this sweater
Tomorrow night, I got some shoes in my sights,
Sometimes your scrotum goes thru hell just to get some leather

CHORUS

Walkin round, scopin out
More things I wanna steal
I lined my drawers with more tin foil
And now I've Got a rash that don't wanna heal
And even though it saves me money
You know it hurts so bad that it's a real pity
And I don't-want-this-foil-wedged-up between my
Pair o' cheeks, I need drawers that'll fit me

CHORUS, REPEAT, FADE

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 61
From: mousethief
Date: 24 Jul 01 - 03:14 PM

Nicely turned, Loopy! Applause!

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 61
From: Áine
Date: 24 Jul 01 - 06:09 PM

My, my, my, my, my -- Have y'all been a busy bunch of beavers or what? ;-) Doesn't this Challenge! remind you of a kindergarten arts & crafts class??? You know, where the teacher says 'Let's all hunker down on the play-dough and tinfoil -- and Cissy, put your panties back on! -- or did I go to a really strange kindergarten? ;-)

Anyway, with shiny girded loins and a big smile on my face, here are your shiny Silver B.L.O.B.s for this creative craziness en masse:

To SharonA for the extra-spittake-making (especially since I'm the proud mom of three boy-o's):

When the young man left the mall, he
Was arrested by a guard.
Though his theft went undetected,
That kid's hard-on seemed too hard.

AND for the 'oh behave' lines:

Now his life is done and over, but our ears still know and hear
Of the simpleton who could not comprehend,
When he tried to stick a microwave down inside his tin-foil drawers,
That he should unplug the other end.

And to mousethief for the 'thrill-a-minute-making':

We've been lifting so much
Got the five-fingered touch
Come on baby, come on, tin-foil your pants

AND for the Spittoon Candidate of the Month:

Then the Colorado Legislature made a fix
And allowed Bob to apprehend all crinkle-rumped chicks
The lifter lifted once and then she lifted twice
Then Bob heard that tin-foil rustle in her panties, out o' sight!

And to LoopySanches for the raw, but funny:

Walkin round, scopin out
More things I wanna steal
I lined my drawers with more tin foil
And now I've Got a rash that don't wanna heal
And even though it saves me money
You know it hurts so bad that it's a real pity
And I don't-want-this-foil-wedged-up between my
Pair o' cheeks, I need drawers that'll fit


Amazin', simply amazin'!

-- Áine

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 61
From: mousethief
Date: 24 Jul 01 - 06:19 PM

You went to a really strange kindergarten.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 61
From: Áine
Date: 24 Jul 01 - 06:42 PM

Oh yeah, Alex -- you and your five-fingered touch -- you nasty boy, ya! ;-) And to be truthful, I should have said . . . and Annie put your panties back on! . . . and take 'em off Stevie's head . . . (hahahahahaha!)

-- Áine

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 61
From: LoopySanchez
Date: 25 Jul 01 - 11:51 AM

Actually it's that "raw", Aine; I got some ointment that healed the rash right up. In the future, I'll wear the foil between two pairs of undies to cut down on the chaffing. Having been on this board only a month and written songs about civet poo and metal shoplifting drawers, I can only imagine what you'll have in store for Song Challenge 62!

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 61
From: SharonA
Date: 25 Jul 01 - 12:09 PM

Hey Loopy, welcome (belatedly) to the madhouse! I only got here a couple of weeks before you. Have you checked out the "Song Challenge!s from the Past" page? It's mind-numbing!!! Use the Quick Link (at the top of this page) to Áine's Mudcat Songbook, click on "Song Challenge! Winners", then click on "Song Challenge!s from the Past".

By the way, Áine says that new songs can be written for ANY one of those Challenge!s at any time. Someday I hope to write at least one for each! (We all need to hold on to our dreams...)

SharonA

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 61
From: SharonA
Date: 25 Jul 01 - 12:18 PM

P.S. - That reminds me... I've been meaning to ask you, Áine: On the "Song Challenge!s from the Past" page, is it possible to link each of those past Song Challenge! listings to its thread? That would make each thread easier to find than by doing a Forum search.

Also, I'm assuming that any new song for an old Challenge! should be posted to that Challenge!'s original thread, not to a new thread or to the current Challenge! thread; is that correct?

SharonA

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 61
From: MMario
Date: 25 Jul 01 - 12:27 PM

well- it would certainly put it in context!

I've always found the easiest way to find the challenge threads it to use the forum filter. I put "challenge" into the box, set the date to whatever appropriate and it fpops up real fast.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 61
From: mousethief
Date: 25 Jul 01 - 01:33 PM

Are you wearing tin-foil-lined underwear when it pops up really fast?

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 61
From: LoopySanchez
Date: 25 Jul 01 - 02:01 PM

Thanks for the tips on the old threads, gang. This has been so much fun. The only downside is that of late it's become a rather boring chore to try to write songs about more conventional subjects that will appeal to a decent-sized audience (well, decent by my small-gig standards :)
Don H.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 61
From: SharonA
Date: 25 Jul 01 - 04:31 PM

Yeah, I guess that if your subjects are in a convent, they would have to be decent. (No tin-foil undies for THEM!)

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 61
From: MMario
Date: 25 Jul 01 - 04:35 PM

Every once in a while tho' a song challenge will toss up something that will work - at least they do for me. I've had a couple of "keepers" - none of which I wrote - but - heck, at least I know I'm stealin' from the best.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 61
From: Trapper
Date: 25 Jul 01 - 05:54 PM

Here's my shameless attempt to win the Golden Cow Chip with Two-For-One Coupon... it's the SECOND to the last award I have to win...

- Al, with his eyes on the "Whole Bag of Chips" next time...

SHE WORE A ROLL OF TIN FOIL
Tune: She Wore A Yellow Ribbon
New words by Al Boyce 7/25/2001

Around her waist
She wore a roll of tin foil
She wore it 'neath her knickers
She crackled when she swayed
And when she shopped
She stored stuff in her tin foil
She'd stroll right past security
And wouldn't have to pay!

CHORUS1:
Have to Pay!
Have to Pay!
She'd stroll right past security and wouldn't have to pay!
Around her waist she wore a roll of tin foil
She'd stroll right past security and wouldn't have to pay!

Around the store
She stuffed stuff down her knickers
Her underwear was bulging
With the stuff she'd stole that day
And when she passed
Anti-shoplifting devices
They wouldn't beep or buzz and then
She wouldn't have to pay!

CHORUS2:
Have to Pay!
Have to Pay!
They wouldn't beep or buzz and then she wouldn't have to pay!
Around the store she stuffed stuff down her knickers
They wouldn't beep or buzz and then
She wouldn't have to pay!

And then one day
She stole some "Kopi Luwak"
300 dollar coffee from
A Starbucks-like cafe
The bag, foil-lined
Went likewise down her knickers
For coffee from a civet's butt
She shouldn't have to pay!

CHORUS3:
Have to Pay!
Have to Pay!
For coffee from a civet's butt she shouldn't have to pay!
And then one day she stole some "Kopi Luwak"
For coffee from a civet's butt
She shouldn't have to pay!

The klaxons clanged
The red lights started flashing
Security arrested her
They threw her in the pen
Foil stuffed in foil
Short-circuited the scanner
She calmly said (with pun intended)
Curses, foiled again!

CHORUS4:
Foiled again!
Foiled again!
She calmly said with pun intended, "Curses, foiled again!"
The klaxons clanged, the red lights started flashing
She calmly said with pun intended,
"Curses, foiled again!"

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 61
From: mousethief
Date: 25 Jul 01 - 06:25 PM

Applause!