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Subject: Smiles for Theresa Tooley From: SussexCarole Date: 05 Dec 09 - 02:38 PM I've just visited Theresa. Despite the effects of MND on her body Theresa's mind and sense of humour are as sharp as ever! Please brighten her day by posting Theresa a short lighthearted message or perhaps a joke. Please NO nostalgia, memories or sympathy. So I'll start the post rolling.......... "Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud." "Yes sir, it's fresh ground." I'm sure you can all do much better than that so now over to you.....
-Joe Offer- |
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Subject: RE: Smiles for Theresa Tooley From: Dave the Gnome Date: 05 Dec 09 - 02:55 PM You could ask her why the usual workout DVDs don't work in Leigh. As soon as they hear 'Hands on thighs' they all cover their faces... Send the lass our regards from Swinton :D (eG) |
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Subject: RE: Smiles for Theresa Tooley From: Ebbie Date: 05 Dec 09 - 03:10 PM When their father turned 85 his sons conspired to give him a birthday celebration to end birthday celebrations. They took him to the city, they visited musuems, they went to dinner at the fanciest, most expensive restaurant, they went to a Broadway musical and finally, at last, they deposited him in his ornate hotel suite and bade him good night. There is a knock at the door. He opens it and there stands a slinky, gorgeous young woman in the skimpiest of outfits. His eyes huge, he says, Yes? She says, I'm here for you. Only you. He stammers, Why? She purrs, Would you like supersex? He says, I'll take the soup. |
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Subject: RE: Smiles for Theresa Tooley From: Alice Date: 05 Dec 09 - 03:40 PM When life gives you lemons.... |
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Subject: RE: Smiles for Theresa Tooley From: kendall Date: 05 Dec 09 - 03:45 PM Guy walking in the woods with his gun, meets a beautiful woman. She says "What are you doing"? He says, "I'm looking for game." She says, "Well, I'M game." He shot her. |
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Subject: RE: Smiles for Theresa Tooley From: katlaughing Date: 05 Dec 09 - 03:57 PM *Groan*, Kendal!:-) Heard this on Cartalk the other day. Paraphrased: Two foreign scientists wanted to studie grizzly bears in Yellowstone Park; one was from Hungary and the other from the Czech Republic. They flew to Yellowstone, met with the park rangers who warned them about how dangerous the bears could be. They gave them communication devices, maps, and supplies and told them they HAD to check in every day. Otherwise, the rangers would have to go look for them immediately, because it would mean they'd probably been killed by the bears. A couple of weeks went by with no problems, they checked in everyday and were quite pleased with the data they were getting. Finally, the day came when they didn't check in. The rangers launched an immediate rescue party. It took awhile for them to get to the right spot. When they reached it, they saw the female grizzly and realised they'd have to shoot her in order to open her and see if she'd eaten either of the scientists. They hated to have to do that, but felt it was necessary. They didn't want any kind of international incident at the loss of the scientists. So, they shot her, opened up her belly and found the Hungarian; sure enough, she'd eaten him. One ranger looked at the other and said, "You know what this means, don't you?" The other ranger said, "Yeah, the Czech is in the male!" |
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Subject: RE: Smiles for Theresa Tooley From: SussexCarole Date: 05 Dec 09 - 03:58 PM My thanks to Joe for allowing this to stay in the music section. I can't ever think of Theresa being anywhere else!! |
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Subject: RE: Smiles for Theresa Tooley From: Bill D Date: 05 Dec 09 - 04:32 PM So, this little boy was learning a song for Sunday school. The teacher listened and said... "Very nice Johnny, but could you sing it a little higher?" So he climbed on a chair and started over.... |
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Subject: RE: Smiles for Theresa Tooley From: Crane Driver Date: 05 Dec 09 - 04:37 PM That's why I have to play sitting down, Bill - otherwise the concertina is too high for Carole to sing with . . . |
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Subject: RE: Smiles for Theresa Tooley From: Bill D Date: 05 Dec 09 - 04:43 PM Has nothing to do with age & decrepitude, huh? |
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Subject: RE: Smiles for Theresa Tooley From: Leadfingers Date: 05 Dec 09 - 05:02 PM " I Say Waiter - What's the Soup Of The Day ?" " Its Bean Soup , Sir " " I dont care what it's BEEN - What is it now ?" |
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Subject: RE: Smiles for Theresa Tooley From: Bill D Date: 05 Dec 09 - 05:28 PM A duck walks into a bar and says to the bartender "I'll have a beer". The bartender says "Hey! You're a duck! I've never seen a duck in this bar." The duck says "I've never been here before. I'm just started working at the construction site across the street". And the bartender says, "Well why are you working construction when you could be making millions in the circus?" And the duck said "What would the circus want with a brick laying duck?" |
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Subject: RE: Smiles for Theresa Tooley From: Selchie - (RH) Date: 05 Dec 09 - 05:29 PM Parents asked their little boy what he wanted for Christmas. He said "I wanna watch" So they let him. Snuffy (on Rosie's computer) |
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Subject: RE: Smiles for Theresa Tooley From: ranger1 Date: 05 Dec 09 - 05:43 PM True story: My best friend from high school, his younger sister and I were all at the beach one summer day. A tourist wanders over to us and asks us what the difference is between a hard-shell lobster and a soft-shell lobster. My best friend was a biology major who was working that summer for the local fishermen's co-op and he explained to the tourist that soft-shells had just shed their shells and hard-shells hadn't shed yet. The tourist decided to impress us local yokels with his big vocabulary and asked: "so they're lactating, right?" While his sister and I were rolling on the ground howling with laughter, Bernd managed to answer the tourist with: "No, I mean they're shedding!" |
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Subject: RE: Smiles for Theresa Tooley From: Gweltas Date: 05 Dec 09 - 05:44 PM I thought Theresa might enjoy this one, too ! How to make friends and irritate others, by being non PC! The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon,though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English haven't been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666. The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards" They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they've been used on the frontline in the British army for the last 300 years. The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" & then "Collaborate" The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability. It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased its alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides." The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform" and "Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose". Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels. The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy. Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case. New Zealand has also raised its security levels from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the airforce being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "Shit, I hope Australia will come and rescue us". In the event of invasion, New Zealanders will be asked to gather together in a strategic defensive position called "Bondi". Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain, "Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level. |
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Subject: RE: Smiles for Theresa Tooley From: Gweltas Date: 05 Dec 09 - 05:45 PM Another smile.... Man goes to the doctors .... Man: "I think I'm going deaf, Doctor" Doctor: "Describe the symptoms" Man: "Homer's the fat one and Marge has blue hair....." |
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Subject: RE: Smiles for Theresa Tooley From: Leadfingers Date: 05 Dec 09 - 06:02 PM American Health Debate American Medical Association has weighed in on President Obama's proposed healthcare plan. The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves. The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve. The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception. Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted. Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, 'Oh, Grow up!' The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it. Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing. The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter." The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea. The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no. In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington . |
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Subject: RE: Smiles for Theresa Tooley From: SINSULL Date: 05 Dec 09 - 06:21 PM I apologize in advance for this one. Years ago, the Seattle Symphony was doing Beethoven's Ninth under the baton of Milton Katims. At this point, you must understand two things: 1. There's a long segment in this symphony where the bass violins don't have a thing to do. Nothing. Not a single note for page after page; 2. There used to be a tavern called Dez's 400 right across the street from the Seattle Opera House, favored by local musicians. It was decided that during this performance, after the bass players had played their parts they'd quietly lay down their instruments and leave the stage rather than sit on their stools looking (and feeling) dumb for twenty minutes. Well, once they got backstage, someone suggested that they trot across the street and have a few brews. After they had downed the first couple rounds, one said, "Shouldn't we be getting back? It'd be awfully embarrassing if we were late." Another, presumably the one who suggested this excursion in the first place, replied, "Oh, I anticipated we could use a little more time, so I tied a string around the last pages of the conductor's score. When he gets down to there, Milton's going to have to slow the tempo way down while he waves the baton with one hand and fumbles with the string with the other." So they had another round and finally returned to the Opera House, a little tipsy by now. However, as they came back on stage, one look at their conductor's face told them they were in serious trouble. Katims was furious! And why not? After all (get ready, here it comes...) It was the bottom of the Ninth, the score was tied, and the basses were loaded. |
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Subject: RE: Smiles for Theresa Tooley From: SINSULL Date: 05 Dec 09 - 06:24 PM Subject: Funnies Things to make you stop and think 1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. 2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink. 3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. 4. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke. 5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters. 6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in thedriveway and put our useless junk in the garage. 7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place. 8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight. 9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'. 10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering. |
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Subject: RE: Smiles for Theresa Tooley From: SINSULL Date: 05 Dec 09 - 06:35 PM Non PC but funny: Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as he now considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead." Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry." |
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Subject: RE: Smiles for Theresa Tooley From: GUEST,padgett on lap top Date: 06 Dec 09 - 04:22 AM Pinched from Scowie's book Do bees hum because they dont know the words? She was only an airman's daughter but by helicopter! Sex at 78? WE now have to resort to the Plumber Position ~ [next is censored (by me)] Ray |
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Subject: RE: Smiles for Theresa Tooley From: jacqui.c Date: 06 Dec 09 - 06:56 AM When Kendall and I were visiting Giok a couple of years back we went on a tour of the Glenmorangie distillery. We were taken all through the process, with Kendall and Giok desperately trying to get locked in the storehouse. The final leg of the tour was to a room back of the gift shop, where the virtues of the various cask types were explained to us by a very nice Scottish lady, probably in her mid fifties. (Think Maggie Smith in Prime of Miss Jean Brodie.) We were all to have a wee dram of our choice of Port or Sherry cask or of cask strength - the latter was Kendall's choice, although he wasn't aware that this one was as close as you could get to moonshine and stay legal. The lady explained that we would first sip the neat brew and than would have just a drop of water added to see how the water brought out the taste of the Scotch. As sheleft the room to get the drinks Kendall stopped her and said "I never take water in my Scotch, but if you have a diet Pepsi......?" |
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Subject: RE: Smiles for Theresa Tooley From: s&r Date: 06 Dec 09 - 07:06 AM We were fitting a new carpet. Fiddly and awkward. Finished, and put the door trims on; stopped for a well earned cigarette. Rusty, have you seen my fags? No.......you know what's coming.. In the middle of the floor was a lump. Bugger! So I stamped repeatedly on the cig packet, and breathed a sigh of relief - it was as flat as makes no difference. Then Rusty said Here's your fags: they were in the bathroom. You've not seen the budgie have you? Keep smiling Teresa Rusty and Stu |
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Subject: RE: Smiles for Theresa Tooley From: GUEST,old git Date: 06 Dec 09 - 07:18 AM It was a day in November As I well remember I was walking down the street in drunken pride My legs were all a-flutter So I landed in the gutter And a pig walked up and lay down by my side Yes I lay there in the gutter Thinking thoughts I could not utter When a colleen passing by did stop and say "You can tell a man who boozes By the company he chooses" At that the pig got up and walked away! cheers Theresa geoff turner |
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Subject: RE: Smiles for Theresa Tooley From: kendall Date: 06 Dec 09 - 07:45 AM She was only a Jockys daughter, but all the horsemanure |
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Subject: RE: Smiles for Theresa Tooley From: kendall Date: 06 Dec 09 - 07:51 AM Conversation between a newly married former prostitute and her new hubby. She "That's a rather small organ you have." He, "It wasn't designed to be played in the Albert Hall." When Jackie Kennedy married Onassis, for wedding presents she gave him an erector set, and he gave her a do it yourself kit. |
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Subject: RE: Smiles for Theresa Tooley From: Ross Campbell Date: 06 Dec 09 - 07:51 AM Just a wee song to raise the musicality quotient. Written by Theresa's Shellback colleague and our mutual friend Mr Ron Baxter, ostensibly for local hairdresser, ukelele maestro and humourous song-writer Richard Grothusen (a.k.a. The Amazing Dick) but pinched by me to raise my quotient of sly songs. The tune I use is more or less "The Garden Where the Praties Grow"/ "The Soor Milk Cairt". A Gross Mistake Ron Baxter Tune trad. arr. Ross Campbell I was working down the barber's on a "Tony Curtis" crop, When an auld lad, about eighty-four, shuffled in the shop; I said "I'll not be long, sir!", but for a cut he hadn't come; He said "I'd like a word wi' you - and in private, son!" "You remember Friday evening, the last time you cut ma hair? Just as I was leaving, you said 'One moment, sir! Anything for the week-end?' and I said 'I think I ought to have a few of they Johnny things - so a gross from you I bought!'" I said, "Indeed!", I remembered him, for that many I rarely sell; He frowned as he continued, for things hadn't turned out well; "Although a hundred and forty-four from you I thought I'd bought - I'm sorry, son, but you've diddled me, and I find I'm a packet short!" "Oh!" I said "I'm really sorry, sir, you can have another pack - Or if you would prefer it, you can have a refund back!" He said "No, never mind, lad - but I'll tell ye as a friend To be more careful in future – (spoken) for you spoiled a great week-end!" All the best, Theresa Love from Ross |
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Subject: RE: Smiles for Theresa Tooley From: GUEST,Carol Date: 06 Dec 09 - 07:58 AM Naughty but true! How To Shower Like a Woman Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups / leg-lifts, etc. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair. Shave armpits and legs. Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tile cleaner. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas. How To Shower Like a Man Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see partner along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum. Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap. Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohican Wee. Rinse off and get out of shower. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time. Admire willy size in mirror again. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass partner, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again. Throw wet towel on bed. I KNOW YOU'RE LAUGHING BECAUSE IT'S TRUE!!!!!! |
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Subject: RE: Smiles for Theresa Tooley From: Carol Date: 06 Dec 09 - 08:13 AM Don't know why it had made me a guest! However here's another one BIKER VERSUS OLD LADY A biker stopped by the local Harley shop to have his bike fixed. They could not do it right away, so he said, he did not live far and would just walk home. On the way home, he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. Then he stopped by the feed store/livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store, He now had a problem, as to how to carry all his purchases home. While he was scratching his head, he was approached by a little old lady, who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?" The biker said, "Well as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane and I would walk you home, but I can't carry this lot." The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand." "Why thank you very much, " he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way, he said, "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time." The little old lady looked at him cautiously, then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley, you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt and ravish me?" The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil two chickens and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against a wall and do that?" The lady then said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket and I'll hold the chickens." |
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Subject: RE: Smiles for Theresa Tooley From: VirginiaTam Date: 06 Dec 09 - 08:24 AM 1) Billy, while visiting grandmother in Wyoming, spotted cowboy walking down the sidewalk. "Grandma" Billy exclaimed. "Look at that bow-legged cowboy." His grandmother was shocked and made Billy read Shakespeare every day for the month while he was there. On the way into town, on the last day of his visit, the young boy saw a crowd of cowboys. Billy turned to his grandmother and said, "Behold, what manner of men are these who wear their legs in parentheses?" ***************************************************************** 2) For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day a little fairy happened by and decided to bring them to life. "You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces. "You still have fifteen more minutes," said the fairy, winking at them. "What will you do now?" Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll shit on its head." ************************************************************** 3) Little Tommy was the pride and joy of his mother and father. He was very bright and happy little boy. So with no misgivings his parents sent him to kindergarten, certain that he would flourish. At the end of the first week, Tommy brought home pictures he had coloured. His mother and father oohed and ahhed over the skill he had in drawing houses and trees. They were a bit curious why his drawings were done in black crayon. but they said nothing. Another week passed and Tommy's pictures were technically correct and well drawn for a 5 year old but still in black. His father said, perhaps he is colour blind. We should get his eyes checked. His mother said no, he could tell me all the colours by the time he was 3. But I will take him for a check up and mention it to the pediatrician. The doctor said not to worry. Tommy was healthy in every way. However, the pictures still came home in black. The teacher was contacted and she related that Tommy was top of his class in everything, very well liked by all of the other children and showed no signs of any problems, what so ever. A month in to kindergarten, Tommy's mother was beside herself with anxiety. She made an appointment with child psychologist, who conducted numerous tests, referred Tommy for brain scans, and finally was also stumped. His personality is very well formed for a 5 year old, he is a precocious learner. Perhaps he needs more challenging activities. By Thanksgiving the fridge and various walls and doors of the family home displayed Tommy's black pictures, black dogs chasing a black ball in a black field, black houses,, black suns, black airplanes, black turkey, everything black. Tommy's grandmother was visiting for the Thanksgiving holiday and noticed all of the black drawings. She immediately asked Tommy, "Why are all of your drawings done in black crayon?" To which he replied, "Because Grandma, by the time the crayon box gets down to my end of the table, there are only black crayons left." |
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Subject: RE: Smiles for Theresa Tooley From: jacqui.c Date: 06 Dec 09 - 09:54 AM My grandson and I were watching the film Iron Man. At one point the guy is flying and two little kids. sitting eating ice cream, see him. One of the kids is so amazed he tips his cone and the ice cream falls off. I said to Lewis, "You would cry if that happened to you, wouldn't you?", to which he replied "Oh no, It's not chocolate!" |
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Subject: RE: Smiles for Theresa Tooley From: Mrs Scarecrow Date: 06 Dec 09 - 02:43 PM "Now tell me Patrick are you not a good catholic man like meself?" "Sure I am Michael, and that's the truth" "So you would'nt consider using a condom?" "I would not Michael! That would be a mortal sin." " So tell me how it is Patrick that I have 17 children while you have none?" "Sure I use the safe method Michael" "So how does that work then?" "Well you see, I pop round to your house while you're on nights." Lots of love Ann and Dave |
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Subject: RE: Smiles for Theresa Tooley From: CET Date: 06 Dec 09 - 06:51 PM A duck goesinto a grocery store and waddles up to the manager. "Do you have any duck food?" he asks. "No", says the manager, and the duck waddles out. The next day, the duck goes into the grocery store and waddles up to the manager: "Do you have any duck food?" "No!" says the manager. "This a grocery store. We do not carry birdfood." "Humph" says the duck, and waddles out. The next day, the duck waddles back into the store and asks the manager: "Do you have any duck food?" "For the third time, we do not have any damn duck food. Now get out!" the manager says. The duck steps back, shakes his feathers and waddles quickly out of the store. The next day, the duck is back and waddes right up to the manager and says "Do you have any duck food?" "Look, you moronic water fowl, for the last time, we do not have any duck food. Now get out, and if I see you again I'm going to take a couple of nine inch nails and nail your little webby feet to the floor!" The duck rushes out of the store. The next morning, the duck is back. He goes up to the manager and says: "Do you have any nails?" "Damn it, duck! This is a grocery store. It's not a pet store and it's not a hard ware store. We have no nails." "OK", says the duck. "Do you have any duck food?" |
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Subject: RE: Smiles for Theresa Tooley From: karen k Date: 06 Dec 09 - 07:32 PM A blind woman went into a store with her seeing eye dog. She picks up the dog and starts spinning it around her head. The clerk comes running over to her and says, "Lady, lady. What are you doing?" The lady replied, "I'm just looking around!" |
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Subject: RE: Smiles for Theresa Tooley From: Splott Man Date: 07 Dec 09 - 03:55 AM Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff... B-boom tsssh! |
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Subject: RE: Smiles for Theresa Tooley From: SINSULL Date: 07 Dec 09 - 08:31 AM A man walks into a restaurant and is shown to his seat by the hostess. The waiter approaches and asks, "Would you like to try our house special?" The man replies, "No, just bring me a steak, and make it lean". The waiter, somewhat puzzled, looks at him and replies, "which way?" |
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Subject: RE: Smiles for Theresa Tooley From: Lenny's mum (inactive) Date: 07 Dec 09 - 12:59 PM Ten people were all sheltering under one small umbrella, but not one got wet! Why? Because it wasn't raining! What do gorillas sing at Christmas time? Jungle bells, Jungle bells. How do you tell a worm's head from its tail? Tickle it in the middle and see which end smiles. |
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Subject: RE: Smiles for Theresa Tooley From: SINSULL Date: 07 Dec 09 - 03:59 PM Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged SCHIZOPHRENIA - Do You Hear What I Hear? MULTIPLE PERSONALITY - We Three Kings Disoriented Are. DEMENTIA - I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas. NARCISSISTIC - Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me) MANIA - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and and Office and Town ...or Deck the Halls and Spare No Expense! PARANOIA - Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me. PERSONALITY DISORDER - You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, then MAYBE I'll tell you why. DEPRESSION - Silent anhedonia, Holy anhedonia. All is calm, All is pretty lonely. OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE DISORDER- Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell... (YOU GET THE IDEA) OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE PERSONALITY- The Twelve Days of Christmas (don't make me repeat that again) BORDERLINE PERSONALITY - Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire. PASSIVE/AGGRESSIVE - Silent Night |
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Subject: RE: Smiles for Theresa Tooley From: SINSULL Date: 07 Dec 09 - 04:02 PM Latest Christmas fad gift: The Let's Learn About Puberty Chia Pet. |
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Subject: RE: Smiles for Theresa Tooley From: Bill D Date: 07 Dec 09 - 05:03 PM "The Let's Learn About Puberty Chia Pet." You water it and it grows stuff where? |
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Subject: RE: Smiles for Theresa Tooley From: SINSULL Date: 07 Dec 09 - 05:06 PM Gee Bill - where did your stuff grow during puberty? I asked Spaw for this but he didn't respond so here you go: I know many of you have read this before but every year as Christmas approaches I can't help but remember the first time I met Cletus, Paw, and Buford...... I had noticed an area on Rt. 664 just outside of our little village being carefully prepared and roped off as I drove by and every now and then there were these three guys working there, building a little shed and driving stakes into the ground about 6 feet apart. It finally dawned on me that they were getting ready to sell Christmas trees. Now I have always gotten ours from the same place for years, but the prices were getting pretty steep so I kept an eye out for new sources. The day they put up the lights, I stopped to see when they'd be bringing the trees in. As I got out of the van I couldn't help but notice that these three, from all appearances, were a bit "down on their luck" and it made me want to help them out a bit. One of them, an angular and lean character came up to me and introduced himself as "Cletus." I asked about the trees and he was glad to tell me all about them in that way which I've since learned to interpret. There is, I now know, a sort of "Cletus-speak" that requires a certain knowledge of him that I didn't have then. At that time however all I could seem to understand was that they were "working on them." These many years later, that kind of phrase would set off alarms, but I didn't know Cletus then so I thought it was just an odd hilljack way of phrasing things. Paw came over and I liked the old guy a lot right away. He said he'd seen me before and I remembered him as well......something about the sewage plant and the day it exploded. I couldn't place what it was that this guy had to do with it but the correlation seemed quite vivid. I shook his hand and he farted in return. I had never met anyone who was quite so casual with flatulence. Paw used it almost as punctuation......."How ya' doin'?" (rriippp) "Purty day ain't she?" (bbraawwmmpp)..........Let's just say it took some getting used to and made it easy to understand why this old coot could probably not find gainful employment. But for all that, he was a friendly cuss who told me they called him Paw because he was from Paw-Paw, West Virginia. He pointed out the other fellow named Buford who was involved in extricating himself from a string of Christmas lights that seemed to have attacked him. Even from a distance, the unmistakable smell of Iron City brew was pretty strong. I figured he spilled about the same amount on himself as he drank and I later found this to be not only true, but the amounts involved were prodigious. All in all, I couldn't help but like them even if they were, well, let's just call them odd and drop it right there. They told me the trees would be in and they'd be open for business on Friday at 6 PM. I left shaking my head at the idea of bringing Karen and the kids here with these guys to "pick out the tree" as was so traditional with our family, but what the hell? We could at least check them out. On Friday afternoon Karen and I were going into Lancaster and as we passed by I pointed out the place, not that it was really necessary to point. I'd never seen anything quite so garish in my life but it was one of those gray Ohio days, very cold and occasionally spitting snow so perhaps it was the contrast......perhaps not. Karen was making comments about the place, but as we drove past we could both see the trees that were now in place. Surprisingly enough, they looked magnificent! All were very full and perfectly shaped and a greener bunch of Christmas trees I'd never seen. Even at 65 mph, Karen saw one on the far end of the first row that she said was absolutely "the one!" Since she and our kids were going to spend the night with Connie and go shopping on Saturday, I promised her I'd stop back and get the tree and forget the tradition for one year. So on my return trip I looked at my watch and saw that I'd arrive about the time Cletus told me they would open and sure enough, I was the first one there. Cletus, Paw, and Buford, greeted me as a long lost friend. They were really in the Christmas Spirit and offered me some of their "spirits." Friends, there is 'Shine and then there is 'Shine and whatever it was they had in the Mason jars was not. I found out later that this was a homebrew of their own and made not from corn, but soybeans instead, and distilled through an old radiator off a Mack. Luckily I only tasted it, but that single gulp went down like a 4-stage rocket, taking my breath away, and immediately starting to bore a hole in my stomach. After the coughing subsided I gave them the common courtesy line you use upon tasting any 'Shine..........."Smooth!" They were all adorned themselves with some of the seediest Santa hats I had ever seen and were ready for business. They said I was the first customer and I nodded appreciatively while glancing about at the trees. Even up at a closer viewing they seemed almost perfectly formed and beautifully green and I thought the light snow must be the reason they glistened so under the glaring bulbs. It was dark now and the temperature had dropped to about 25 with a nasty northwesterly blowing in a chill from Alberta. My eyes were no longer crossed from the 'Shine and I slowly became aware that something was odd about the trees. They weren't moving at all. Not a branch, not a needle, absolutely nothing was moving although the breeze was pretty stiff. Paw commented on the weather and let fly an air biscuit as I walked over to the tree Karen had seen earlier. I reached out to touch it and it was positively stiff! I felt several branches and the whole thing down to the smallest needle was like glass. I put a little extra pressure on a needle and it shattered in my gloved hand. What the hell was this anyway? Cletus came up and asked how I liked them as Paw and Buford tossed scrap wood in a barrel to start a warming fire. I said I thought these were real trees, but they seemed to be artificial. Cletus protested they were real.......and recycled. Once in awhile you hear sommething that is so completely ridiculous that it takes some time before you can absorb the fact that the speaker is also completely serious. Recycled Christmas trees. My mind was slowly opening to the sound of Cletus' voice proudly telling the tale of how they collected them last year and then formed them up, glued in branches with rubber cement, gave them several coats of shellac, painted them with spray cans of "Yew Be Green" epoxy, and topped the job off with several coats of lacquer. I stared at the tree. I stared at Cletus. I stared at the tree. I stared at Cletus. I stared at the tree. I stared at Cletus. Cletus noticed I was a bit pale and pulled me by the arm over to the shed where Paw and Buford had finished filling the barrel with wood and were dumping gasoline onto the contents. Cletus said that I should have another drink and then Paw asked if I was cold. I nodded vacantly, my mind still unable to absorb the insanity which surrounded me. Then I heard Cletus say, "Hey Paw, show him how we light a fire." With that, Paw bent over pointing his butt at the barrel, Buford held a Zippo to his ass, and Paw ripped a monster of a fart, something akin to a Cherry Bomb in it's magnitude. An enormous flame shot out of his ass and ignited the barrel which flared high in the air. But it was a truly huge blaster and the flames not only ignited the barrel, but the nearest recycled Christmas trees. Coated as they were with such a combustible mixture, they didn't catch fire, they friggin' exploded! Bits of flaming plastic-like shards went flying away on the wind to explode the next tree, and the next, and the next. Within 30 seconds every tree was flaming brightly and in less than a minute the flames were gone and 50 smoldering sticks were all that remained. None of us had moved and Paw was still bent over and looking over his shoulder at the charred remains of their business. The next day when I picked Karen up, we stopped at our usual place and picked out a lovely Frazier Fir. I had told her the story and that I figured that here was a case where a single fart may not have saved the world, but at least did save 50 home fires. We stopped at their place and the boys were cleaning up the mess and told us it probably meant a Christmas that would be a little bleak for them. Karen is a kind soul and right then and there invited them to our place for Christmas Day. She said they should come early and maybe Santa will have left something for them and that they would be welcome for Christmas dinner too. As we drove home I tried to explain that this probably wasn't a great idea but Karen felt pretty bad for them and they had cheerfully accepted her invitation. On Christmas morning they arrived at 6 AM and the day went downhill from there. But that's another story. So friends, no matter how bad it is and how you feel, there is always a friend out there for you. Even if you're obnoxious, nasty, and haven't bathed in a month, there is always the chance that if you can light a good fart, miracles will occur. Or how did it go in "It's a Wonderful Life?" "Every time a laquered tree farm burns down, an Angel gets a Zippo?" Well, something like that.......... Spaw |
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Subject: RE: Smiles for Theresa Tooley From: catspaw49 Date: 07 Dec 09 - 08:46 PM Sorry I wasn't back Sins but I see you got it and I hope Theresa isn't bored to death as Carole asked for "short" things. But if its long than it oughta' be better than CLetus and at least educational! So can't we make this thread a bit more music related and educational? I've just been researching some info for one of our "Origin" threads, specifically the one about the song "Ode to Billie Joe." It is of particular interest since the Obama election showing the amount of change we've seen......finally! So at least let me preview it here and some of you can critique it before I move it to the thread. Plus it adds some music to keep it in the MUSIC section! The story of Billie Joe is based in truth but stylized to some degree. It is an old story, dating back to the the late 40's when the only daughter of John Hatch, a Mississippi Klansman of some note, was in love with the first black attorney in the state. Jubilee Simmons was the grandson of slaves and his parents had named him Jubilee because they had both been members of the famous Fisk Jubilee Singers, where they had actually first met and fallen in love. He had gone to law school at the University of Chicago and returned to his family's home state of Mississippi, taking up residence in Carroll county in 1948. Klansman John Hatch's daughter was known to be a bit wild and young Kelli had already incurred her father's wrath on numerous occasions. Kelli was living with two other 22 year old women in the small town of Campton, Mississippi when she met and began dating Simmons. Her father learned of it a few weeks later and came into town drunk with some Klan buddies to hunt down and kill Simmons. Simmons law offices were across from the county courthouse and through an open window he could hear the drunken invectives hurled his way from across the square. He slipped out a back door and went to Kelli's house to take her away and save them both from the murderous rancor of her father and his equally violent "brethren." Not finding Jubilee in his office the Klansmen split up to search for him and John Hatch went to his daughter's, presumably to beat her or possibly (and probably) worse. He arrived before the pair had left and headed in the back porch door adjoining the kitchen. Seeing him coming, Simmons grabbed a kitchen knife and jumped atop the counter and then onto the top of the refrigerator that stood by the door. As John Hatch passed, he didn't notice Simmons who then jumped him safely from behind and in the ensuing struggle, Hatch was stabbed with the knife. The lovers bagged his body and threw it off the bridge on their way out of town. They were on their way to Chicago when they were arrested in Clarksville, Tennessee and returned for trial in Mississippi. Jubilee represented both and thanks to the testimony of one of the roommates and Mrs. Hatch, the wife of the deceased and Kelli's mother, who had suffered abuse for years at the hands of her husband, both were acquitted and moved to Chicago where he established a moderately successful practice on the south side. An original song about this was written in 1954 by a man named Wallace Adams and differed some from the later recorded version by Bobbi Gentry. The original song told the story as it was, but owing to legal considerations, the Gentry version was the only one allowed to recorded. The original was titled, "The Day that Jubilee the Barrister Jumped Off of Kelli Hatch's Fridge." So, uh............................well............................ . ; . Okay....Sorry..............Told it 10 times before but I figure I can still hook someone....... Spaw |
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Subject: RE: Smiles for Theresa Tooley From: GUEST,Dani Date: 07 Dec 09 - 09:12 PM In case you missed my new favorite from the Knock-Knock thread: Knock Knock: Who's there? Control Freak, ok, now you say "Control Freak Who!" Dani |
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Subject: RE: Smiles for Theresa Tooley From: SINSULL Date: 07 Dec 09 - 09:13 PM Ouch! |
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Subject: RE: Smiles for Theresa Tooley From: Janie Date: 07 Dec 09 - 09:42 PM Two of Jim Comstock's stories from the collection "Best of Hillbilly." It Took All the Fun Out of Burnin' the Mortage One evening a mountain farmer and his wife were sitting on the porch, and he said to her that he had some news to tell her. She said what was it, and he said, "Ma, I've paid the last payment on the farm and just struck a a match to the mortgage to light my pipe. This is all our'n now. Everytime we sell a pig or some eggs, the is our'n, not the bank's. It's a grand and glorious feelin', ain't it?" But his wife was silent and looked sad, and he asked her what ailed her. "Oh, Pa," she sighed, "it's just we have all this, and there's our two daughters a-layin' out there in the cemetary." The man looked sad, too, and just stared down at the floor. "I know it, Ma," he said. "And I know I oughtn't say it, but to tell you the truth, sometimes I'd a heap rather they was dead." Nothing To It Every day for a month old Doc Hyer had been delivering babies all over Nicholas and Webster Counties. Every time the asked the poor girl who it was it turned out to be Morty Martin. It made old Doc Hyer mad. And then when Widow Wilson had triplets and her daughter had twins, Doc hunted Morty down to have it out with him. He cussed him for a while and then said, "Great balls of fire man, hou could you do such a thing:" Morty said shucks, it wasn't nothing, he just got him a bicycle. |
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Subject: RE: Smiles for Theresa Tooley From: open mike Date: 08 Dec 09 - 12:41 AM http://www.tac.tv/the_martians_vid563 my british friend showed me these cartoons.. very interesting animation...real eyes and lips.. |
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Subject: RE: Smiles for Theresa Tooley From: SINSULL Date: 08 Dec 09 - 08:00 AM Janie! CELLAR! |
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Subject: RE: Smiles for Theresa Tooley From: SINSULL Date: 08 Dec 09 - 08:11 AM An MG Midget pulled alongside a Rolls-Royce at a traffic light. "Do you have a car phone?" its driver asked the guy in the Rolls. "Of course I do," replied the haughty deluxe-car driver. "Well, do you have a fax machine?" The driver in the Rolls sighed. "I have that too." "Then do you have a double bed in the back?" the Midget driver wanted to know. Ashen-faced, the Rolls driver sped off. That afternoon, he had a mechanic install a double bed in his auto. A week later, the Rolls driver passes the same MG Midget, which is parked on the side of the road--back windows fogged up and steam pouring out. The arrogant driver pulls over, gets out of the Rolls and bangs on the Midget's back window until the driver sticks his head out. "I want you to know that I had a double bed installed," brags the Rolls driver. The Midget driver is unimpressed. "You got me out of the shower to tell me that?" |
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Subject: RE: Smiles for Theresa Tooley From: SINSULL Date: 08 Dec 09 - 08:12 AM One of my favorites: The Twelve Days Of Christmas Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Ave. Beaver Valley, CO Dec. 14, 1986 My Darling, I went to the door today and the postman delivered a "Partridge in a pear tree." What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised. You're an angel. With all my love and devotion, Agnes -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Ave. Beaver Valley, CO Dec. 15, 1986 Darling, Today, the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine "Two turtle doves." I'm delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are adorable and I love you for them. All my love, Agnes -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Ave. Beaver Valley, CO Dec. 16, 1986 Dear Fred, Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one? Now I really must protest. I don't deserve such generosity as "Three French hens." They are just darling but I must insist, you've been too kind. Love, Agnes -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Ave. Beaver Valley, CO Dec. 17, 1986 Dear Fred, Today the postman delivered "Four calling birds." Now really, they are beautiful but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic. Affectionately, Agnes -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Ave. Beaver Valley, CO Dec. 18, 1986 Dearest Fred, What a surprise! The postman just delivered the "Five golden rings"; one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves. All my love, Agnes -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Ave. Beaver Valley, CO Dec. 19, 1986 Dear Fred, I couldn't believe my eyes this morning as I walked out onto the front porch and there were "Six geese a laying" on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again - huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. I love your thoughtfulness, but - Please Stop! Cordially, Agnes -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Ave. Beaver Valley, CO Dec. 20, 1986 Fred, What's with you and those fucking birds??? Today I received "Seven swans a swimming." What kind of a goddamn joke is this? These birds shit all over the house and they never stop with that awful goddamn racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. Stop your laughing damn you! It's not funny. Just knock it off with those fucking birds, OK????? Sincerely, Agnes -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Ave. Beaver Valley, CO Dec. 21, 1986 OK Buster, I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with "Eight maids a milking??" It's not enough with all those birds and the 8 maids milking, but they had to bring their goddamn cows! There is shit all over the lawn and I can't even move in my own house. Just lay off me, smartass!! Agnes -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Ave. Beaver Valley, CO Dec. 22, 1986 Hey Shithead, What are you??? Some kind of sadist??? Now I've got "Nine pipers playing" and Christ do they play! They haven't stopped chasing those maids since they've arrived this morning. The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over the screeching fucking birds. What the hell am I going to do?? The neighbors have already started a petition to have me evicted. You'll get yours, bastard, Agnes -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Ave. Beaver Valley, CO Dec. 23, 1986 You Rotten Prick, Who in hell needs "Ten ladies dancing??" I can't imagine why I call these sluts "ladies." They've been balling the pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and all the goddamn racket around here has given them diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit! The Commisioner of Bldgs. has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building should not be condemned! I'm sicking the police on you, asshole! One who means it!!! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Ave. Beaver Valley, CO Dec. 24, 1986 Listen Fuckhead, What's with the "Eleven lords a leaping" on those maids and ladies??? Some of these poor broads will never walk again. The pipers ravaged the maids, gang-banged the ladies, and now are committing sodomy on the cows. All 23 birds are dead. They were trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten vicious bastard! I hate your guts, dumbshit, Agnes -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Law Offices Badger, Bender & Cahole 303 Knave Street Chicago, IL December 26, 1986 Dear Sir: This is to acknowledge your latest gift "Twelve fiddlers fiddling" which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. As you no doubt have guessed, the destruction of her property was total. You are advised that all future correspondence with our client should be cleared through this office. I feel compelled to warn you that if you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants of that institution have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest. Season's Greetings, J. Frank Cahole Attorney |
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Subject: RE: Smiles for Theresa Tooley From: SINSULL Date: 08 Dec 09 - 08:37 AM This will make you smile: http://pressherald.mainetoday.com/story.php?id=300960&a |
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