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BS: All time classic jokes
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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Bernard Date: 08 Aug 00 - 06:15 PM Mouse in music shop: 'I want to buy an organ suitable for mice to play.' Chap says: 'You want a mouse organ...' 'Funny - there was another mouse in here this morning asking for the same thing!' Mouse says: 'That must have been our Monica!' |
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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: CamiSu Date: 08 Aug 00 - 06:56 PM Course we loved the time when we met a tourist on the road in front of the Benton town hall. There is a sign on it that says "This is Benton, New Hampshire" in case you can't find it. Well, this tourist either can't or won't read and he says "I'm looking for Benton", and we looked at each other. Should we say it? "Don't you move a God Damned inch!!!" Thank you Marshall Dodge! We've also spent time sheep wrestling lately. It just seems to happen when you need to move them somewhere... So what is a U-joint? A house of ill repute in Lander, Wyoming. (Sorry Kat & Wyo Woman!) And a variation on an earlier one. A guy goes into a bar and meets a gorgeous woman. She says "For a hundred bucks I'll do anything you want." "Anything?" "Anything." "OK. Paint my house." |
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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Quincy Date: 09 Aug 00 - 04:55 AM Three Irishmen are being treated by a speech therapist for stuttering. The therapist is a real looker and very curvy. She is finding it very difficult to make any progress with the three men and so she decides to try a reward system. She tells the three that she will have sex with anyone of them who can tell her where they were born without stuttering. The first Irishman stands up, says, "B-B-B-B-Belf-f-f-f-ast" and sits down in disappointment. The second Irishman says "D-D-D-Dublin" and also sits down with a sad face. The third Irishman says "London". In amazement the therapist immediately grabs him, takes into the next room, from where there are sounds of him being rewarded.(!!) After half an hour they return and the Irishman has a stupid, satisfied grin on his face. Before restarting the session the therapist asks if there's is anything that any of the men would like to say. The third Irishman raises his hands and continues "d-d-d-d-erry" best wishes Yvonne
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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Psaltry Psue Date: 09 Aug 00 - 06:00 AM This virus works entirely on the honor system. Please delete all the files on your hard drive, and then pass this message on to everyone in your address book. Thank you for you cooperation.
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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: ol'troll Date: 09 Aug 00 - 07:43 AM True story. Two o'clock in the AM and the phone rings. I answered to hear a bleary voice ask,"Is Mary there?" Sez I,"Theres no one here by that name." Comes back,"Are you sure?" I replied,"Have I ever lied to you before?" and gently hung up. troll |
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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: GUEST,Colwyn Dane Date: 09 Aug 00 - 02:12 PM G'day,
What do you call a stone-age cowboy?
What do you call a very fast cowboy?
What do you call a blue-haired cowboy?
There are more but enough is enough.
Sorry to have inflicted my heaviness on you good folks. Toodle-pip. |
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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Branwen23 Date: 09 Aug 00 - 08:43 PM WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?..... JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what "they" call it the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that. PAT BUCHANAN: To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American. DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, But why it crossed, I've not been told! ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain. MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question. GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us. ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road. KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability. SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it. RONALD REAGAN: What chicken? KEN STARR: I intend to prove that the chicken crossed the road at the behest of the president of the United States of America in an effort to distract law enforcement officials and the American public from the criminal wrong doing our highest elected official has been trying to cover up. As a result, the chicken is just another pawn in the president's ongoing and elaborate scheme to obstruct justice and undermine the rule of law. For that reason, my staff intends to offer the chicken unconditional immunity provided he cooperates fully with our investigation. Furthermore, the chicken will not be permitted to reach the other side of the road until our investigation and any Congressional follow-up investigations have been completed. (We also are investigating whether Sid Blumenthal has leaked information to the Rev. Jerry Falwell, alleging the chicken to be homosexual in an effort to discredit any useful testimony the bird may have to offer, or at least to ruffle his feathers.) CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before. FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it? FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken 98, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken. EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken? BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by "chicken?" Could you define chicken please? LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down. THE BIBLE: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And there was rejoicing. COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one? -Branwen- |
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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: ol'troll Date: 09 Aug 00 - 11:17 PM The reason that the chicken crossed the road was to prove to the 'possum that it could be done. troll |
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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Escamillo Date: 10 Aug 00 - 06:31 AM An innocent one (that's why it's new for me):
The small polar bear - Daddy, I am a polar bear ? - Yes my son, you are, why you ask me ?
(Excuse my poor translation to English)
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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Steve Parkes Date: 10 Aug 00 - 06:59 AM A man took Friday off work. The doorbell rang, and he went to answer it. When he came back his wife asked, "Who was at the door, dear?" "The milkman," he replied, "collecting his money. Do you know, the cheeky sod told me he'd had it off [had sex with, if you're American] every woman in this street except one?" "I bet it's that snooty Mrs Jones at number ten!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Steve Parkes Date: 10 Aug 00 - 09:53 AM "And there's more..!" Victor Sylvester was trying to light a fire. The paper wouldn't catch, so he said to Florence, the maid, "Flo! Flo! Quick, quick, blow!". (If you need to have it explained, YTYTK (or not British)). |
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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: GUEST,Roger the skiffler Date: 10 Aug 00 - 10:21 AM Steve, that last one first saw the light of day on ITMA I think (but, like you, I keep on repeatin' 'em!).As Arthur Askey used to say:"Every one a little gem!" Tara RtS |
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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Steve Parkes Date: 10 Aug 00 - 12:23 PM Thanks, Roger. For those who didn't know, "Y.T.Y.T.K." is the correct reply in polite circles to the question "What does 'T.T.F.N.' stand for?". God bless Mrs Handley's boy. |
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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Irish Rover Date: 10 Aug 00 - 02:56 PM ta ta for now! |
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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Morticia Date: 10 Aug 00 - 03:07 PM Just got this by e-mail and had to share it with you...I thought it was priceless........ Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching the telly when he hears a knock > at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, > clutching a clip board and yelling, "You sign! You sign!" Behind him is an > enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete > amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder. "You sign! You > sign!" > Nelson says to him, "Look mate, you've obviously got the wrong bloke. > Push off", and shuts the door in his face. > The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it,the > little > Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his > clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!" Mr Mandela > is > getting a bit hacked off by now, so he shoves the little Chinese man back, > shouting: "Look, push off! You've got the wrong bloke! I don't want > them!" > Then he slams the door in his face again. > The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears > a > knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little > Chinese man thrusts a clipboard under his nose, shouting "You sign! You > sign!" Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. > This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man > by > his shirt front and yells at him; "Look, I don't want these! Do you > understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these > to?" > The little Chinese man looks at him very puzzled, consults his > clipboard, and says: > >>> > >>> > >>> > >>> > >>> > >>> > >>> > >>> > >>> > >>> > >>> > >>> > >>> (It's a beauty) > >>> > >>> > >>> > >>> > >>> > >>> > >>> > >>> > >>> > >>> > >>> "You not Nissan Maindealer?" > > > > > > |
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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Bill D Date: 10 Aug 00 - 04:53 PM so, there's this Polar bear who pops up out of a hole in the ice and says "radio".... then there's a Polar bear taking a shower, and he calls to his wife.."Hey, honey...hand me the soap"....and she says "no soap, honey...radio!" and a Polar bear is driving along in his sports car, when he is stopped by a policeman.."Ok, buddy", says the cop, "let's see your license"...."Sorry officer, all I have is a radio" heard those first 25-30 years ago! |
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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Naemanson Date: 10 Aug 00 - 04:57 PM ??????????????????????????? |
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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: GUEST,Joerg Date: 10 Aug 00 - 09:07 PM ??????????????????????????? !
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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Tone d' F Date: 10 Aug 00 - 09:16 PM horse goes into a bar and asks for a whiskey barman says we have a drink named after you what Eric says the horse steve not me |
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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: MAG (inactive) Date: 10 Aug 00 - 10:52 PM Speaking of Marshall Dodge, there's the one about the guys up in a hot air balloon, and they get lost due to a strong wind (it's actually much longer, but you have to get the tape for that), and when they finally get close enough to the ground they ask someDownEast old codger where they are ... Up in a balloon ... ye damn fools. |
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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Bill D Date: 10 Aug 00 - 11:03 PM I sort of thought the Polar bear jokes might be beyond you mere mortals...but look here..AFTER I posted them, I did a search... |
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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Naemanson Date: 10 Aug 00 - 11:08 PM Now I understand the radio joke. The light bulb flashed and I remembered my college days when the following joke was considered hilarious. Why does ice cream melt in a doghouse? Because a motorcycle has no doors! Of course it required an additional chemical enhancement to be funny but we always laughed. And yes, Mr. President, I did inhale! |
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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Bert Date: 11 Aug 00 - 11:10 AM In the days of British rule, a young officer gets shipped out to India, straight from Sandhurst, as green as can be. He arrives at the camp and his fellow officers fill him in on all the local customs and warn him of the dangers to be found in the jungle. He asks about the deadly King Cobra and is told not to worry about cobras, they'll just pose and hiss but if you back away they'll just slink off into the jungle. They told him, however, that the Yellow Banded Crate is the snake to watch for. Very deadly and very agressive. and that if he sees one, his only chance is to grab it by the tail and quickly slide his other hand up it's body and grab it behind its head so that it can't bite. Well he goes off into the jungle and returns a while later, barely able to walk, clothes torn to shreds, blood everywhere. They give him a large brandy and when he has recovered enough to speak, they ask him "What the hell happened to you". He says "Well I was walking through the jungle and saw this King Cobra. I remembered what you said so I stepped back and, sure enough, it slid off into the jungle. I walked a little further and then I saw it - The Yellow Banded Crate - I was terrified. But I remembered what you had told me. So I grabbed it by the tail and quickly slid my other hand along its body, and,... . . . . . . . . . . ...Have You ever tried sticking your finger up a tiger's arse?" |
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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Rana who SHOULD be working Date: 11 Aug 00 - 11:26 AM Heard a couple of versions of this, but this is the only one I have saved. I like it - hope it doesn't offend anybody. THE GREAT DEBATE - _____________________________ Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to leave Italy. There was, of course, a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with a leader of the Jewish community. If the Jewish leader won the debate, the Jews would be permitted to stay in Italy. If the Pope won, the Jews would have to leave.
The Jewish community met and picked an aged Rabbi, Moishe, to represent them in the debate. Rabbi Moishe, however, could not speak Latin and the Pope could not speak Yiddish. So it was decided that this would be a "silent" debate.
On the day of the great debate, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised one finger.
Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and chalice of wine. Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple. With that, the Pope stood up and said, "I concede the debate. This man has bested me. The Jews can stay."
Later, the Cardinals gathered around the Pope, asking him what had happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us of our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"
Meanwhile, the Jewish community crowded around Rabbi Moishe, asking what happened. "Well," said Moishe, "first he said to me, 'You Jews have 3 days to clear out of here, and I say not one of us is leaving. Then he tells me the whole city would be cleared of Jews. So I said to him, 'Listen here Mr. Pope, the Jews ... we stay right here!"
"And then?" asked a woman.
"Who knows?" said Rabbi Moishe. "We broke for lunch."
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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Bernard Date: 14 Aug 00 - 06:55 PM QUASIMODO'S STAND-IN Quasimodo, the famous Hunchback of Notre Dame, was due for some leave. Unfortunately, he couldn't take time off unless he found a stand-in to do his job whilst he was sunning himself in the South of France. He put postcards in shop windows asking for volunteers, and eventually he was able to compile a shortlist of would-be campanologists. The shortlist was aptly named – there were only two applicants, twin brothers, and both dwarfs. He decided to try them out, to see how they fared. He took them up to the bell tower, and began his usual display of swinging from bell to bell, using the bell ropes in a Tarzan-like manner. Dwarf number one followed him, emulating his performance to the best of his ability. Unfortunately, he misjudged a swing, and his face smacked into the side of a bell, rendering him unconscious. This caused him to lose his grip on the rope, and he fell to his death 100 feet below. A crowd gathered around the hapless corpse, and a concerned voice piped up: 'Who is he?' Does anyone know him?' A second voice ventured: 'I don't know… but his face rings a bell!' |
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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Bernard Date: 14 Aug 00 - 06:59 PM QUASIMODO'S STAND-IN (part 2) Undaunted, the dwarf's twin brother began his attempt, emulating Quasimodo's performance to the best of his ability. Unfortunately, he, too, misjudged a swing, and his face smacked into the side of a bell, rendering him unconscious. He, too, lost his grip on the rope, and fell to his death 100 feet below, alongside his deceased brother. A crowd gathered around the hapless corpses, and a concerned voice piped up: 'Who is he?' Does anyone know him?' A second voice ventured: 'I don't know… but he's a dead ringer for the other!'
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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: dwditty Date: 14 Aug 00 - 07:13 PM Col Sanders went to visit the Vatican. After a personal tour of the city by the Pope himself, he was so impressed that he told the Pope he wanted to donate $10,000,000 to the Pope's cause. Of course, he said there would be one condition. The Pope must agree to change the words from "Give us this day our daily bread." to "Give us this day our daily chicken." The Pope agreed and went off to meet with the Council of Cardinals. When they were gathered, he said, "Boys, I've got good news and bad news." They replied, "Let's have it." The Pope went on to say, "The good news is that Col. Sanders has agreed to give us $10,000,000." The Cardinals were ecstatic. "What is the bad news?" they asked. The Pope responded, "Well, we just lost the Wonder Bread account." |
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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: mactheturk Date: 14 Aug 00 - 11:16 PM The devil approached the young lawyer and said: "If you will sell me your soul and the souls of all your family I will see to it that you are immediately made a partner in the law firm". The young lawyer paused for a moment then replied: "What's the catch?". |
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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: GUEST,WeeWillie Date: 14 Aug 00 - 11:43 PM The companion-piece to Lox's above is:
"I didn't know she was dead, I just assumed she was English" |
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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: GUEST,Crazy Eddie Date: 15 Aug 00 - 03:10 AM A kid walks into a petshop, and says "I'd like to buy a pet wasp". The shop assistant says "Don't be smart kid, you know we don't sell wasps" "Sure you do", says the kid, " You had two in the window yesterday!"
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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Quincy Date: 15 Aug 00 - 06:10 AM Writing With Emotional Appeal There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages!
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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: GUEST,Roger the skiffler Date: 15 Aug 00 - 06:25 AM .....and the Chinese girl said; "well you don't expect me to start cooking at this time of night". RtS (first line supplied in plain wrapper) |
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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: GUEST,Roger the skiffler Date: 15 Aug 00 - 08:37 AM Cut 'n' pasted from today's Independent How many nationalities can you offend in one joke? On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded: 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman 2 French men and 1 French woman 2 German men and 1 German woman 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman 2 English men and 1 English woman 2 Polish men and 1 Polish woman 2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman 2 American men and 1 American woman 2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman 2 New Zealand men and 1 New Zealand woman 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman One month later, the following things have occurred:
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman. The two French men and the French woman are living happily together having loads of sex. The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman. The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them. The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman. The Polish men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the Polish woman and they started swimming. The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, while the American woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity of fulfilment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much nicer and how her relationship with her mother is improving. But at least the taxes here are low and it is not raining. The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions. The two Australian men beat each other senseless fighting over the Australian woman, who is checking out all the other men, after calling them both 'bloody wankers". Both New Zealand men are searching the island for sheep. The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South and setting up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whiskey, but they are satisfied in that at least the English aren't getting any |
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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: mactheturk Date: 15 Aug 00 - 08:49 AM A man hears a knock at his door. Upon opening the door he sees a snail on his porch. So the man picks up the snail and tosses it into the garden. Two years later he hears a knock on the door. He opens the door and there's the same snail, who says "What was that all about?" |
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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Pseudolus Date: 15 Aug 00 - 10:48 AM Two guys walk into a bar, you'd think one of 'em woulda seen it!!
A skeleton walks into a bar. Orders a beer and a mop... Frank
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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Little Hawk Date: 15 Aug 00 - 03:08 PM How do you get a woman to stop bugging you for sex all the time? Marry her! (Don't blame me for this one...I have never been married, technically speaking. But I have heard rumours...)
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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Naemanson Date: 15 Aug 00 - 04:07 PM The rumors are true! At least in my experience.... Safe to say this, we divorced five years ago! |
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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Pseudolus Date: 15 Aug 00 - 04:14 PM A similar yoke...... What food can you feed a woman to totally take away her sex drive? Wedding Cake! Frank |
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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Helen Date: 15 Aug 00 - 07:35 PM For Pseudolus: A woodworm goes into a bar and asks "Is the bartender here?" |
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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: GUEST,sajumikey Date: 15 Aug 00 - 09:08 PM A man came to where I work for a job, the interview went well until at the end the interviewee says " Look I must tell you that I had testicular cancer and had to have them both removed" and the boss say's "No problem, come in at 10 tomorrow and you'll be fine" So the other man say's "but I thought it was a six oclock start here" and the boss says " It is but the lads only stand around and scratch their balls for the first four hours" |
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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Fedele Date: 16 Aug 00 - 05:15 AM A man drives his car in the countryside, he passes over a farm, he sees a group of sheeps and a man is having sex with one of the sheeps! So he quickly drives to the farm and he knocks at the door. A child opens the door. "Hey, boy, there´s a man fucking one of your sheeps!
"Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeah, thaaaaaaat´s my daaaaaaaaaad!"
(Don´t know how to tell jokes in English, but I think it´s cool...) |
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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: CarolC Date: 16 Aug 00 - 07:50 AM A male friend of mine picked up a female hitch-hiker on a country road out in the middle of nowhere. As these things sometimes happen, they ended up in the back of his van, enjoying each other's company. Part way through their activities, she reaches out the window, breaks off the radio antenna and starts whacking him across the back with it. He figures, "Ok, so she's a little kinky". He decides not to worry about it and they get on with the fun. A couple of days later, my friend goes to the doctor's office for a routine examination. The doctor sees the welts on his back, shakes his head sympathetically, and says, "Man, that's the worst case of van-aerial desease I've ever seen".
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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: ol'troll Date: 16 Aug 00 - 08:44 AM Tee-shirt: I am a bomb technician. If you see me running, try to keep up." (grin) troll |
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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: P05139 Date: 16 Aug 00 - 08:49 AM Kids joke: What goes "Now you see me, now you don't"? A black cat on a zebra crossing! |
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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Bernard Date: 16 Aug 00 - 11:00 AM What's yellow and white and travels at 100mph? Train driver's egg butty! (That's 'sandwich' for you Colonials...) |
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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Songster Bob Date: 16 Aug 00 - 04:23 PM Two guys were out walking. One of them, who had a stuttering problem, said, "H-h-h-ey! L-l-l-look at that M-m-m-m-m-maserati!" "Where?" said his friend. "Oh, it's g-g-g-gone now." Later, it was, "W-w-w-wow! L-l-l-l-l-look at the t-t-t-t-tits on that w-w-w-woman!" "Where?" "Oh, she's g-g-g-gone now." "Damn!" Finally, "D-d-d-did y-y-y-ou s-s-s-see...?" "I saw it, I saw it!" "Then wh-wh-wh-why d-d-d-d-did y-y-you s-s-step in it?" - - - - I like this one because the guy with the "handicap" isn't the butt of the joke, while the "normal" guy, who is impatient with his friend, gets stuck. Bob Clayton |
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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Bernard Date: 16 Aug 00 - 09:46 PM One day two prawns called Jack & Christian were happily trawling along on the bottom of the ocean when a large shark swam by. Jack turned to Christian and said 'I wish I was one of them'. Lo and behold the fairy Godcrab turned up and said 'Your wish is granted' and turned Jack into a shark. Jack was delighted and for a few weeks was happy cruising the ocean eating his friends and enemies alike until he suddenly realised that he was lonely. He had eaten most of his friends and those he hadn't eaten were avoiding him. He wished as hard as he could to be the way he was before and the Fairy Godcrab heard him and again granted his wish. As fast as he could Jack hurried to find his friend Christian who was hiding in a large shell. Jack knocked on the shell but his friend shouted 'No! Go away! You'll eat me!' 'No,no I won't' replied Jack, 'It's alright, I'm a prawn again, Christian'.!!! |
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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Bernard Date: 16 Aug 00 - 09:48 PM Looks like I get the hundred! What about the crab who went to a dance and pulled a mussel?
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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: bflat Date: 16 Aug 00 - 10:17 PM Bernard, Holy Mackerel! That was a whale of a joke! Love, Shelley Altuna, PA
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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: hesperis Date: 16 Aug 00 - 11:05 PM If Little Hawk and Pseudolus can post those awful jokes, I am posting this to represent the half of humanity on the other side of the bed... ... Figuratively speaking. *BG* --------------------------------------------- A new two-year degree is being offered at the community college that many of you should be interested in: "Becoming a Real Man" That's right, in just six semesters, you too can be a real man AND earn an MA degree (Male Arts) as well. Please take a moment to look over the program outline. FIRST YEAR Semester One: MEN 101 Combating Stupidity MEN 102 You, Too, Can Do Housework MEN 103 PMS-Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut MEN 104 We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas MEN 110 Wonderful Laundry Techniques Plus one elective (see below) Semester Two: MEN 111 Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at 4am. MEN 112 Parenting: It Doesn't End with Conception EAT 100 Get a Life, Learn to Cook EAT 101 Get a Life, Learn to Cook II Plus Two electives (see below) Semester Three: ECON 101A What's Hers Is Hers ECON 101B What's His Is Hers ECON 101C What's Theirs Is Hers MEN 120 How NOT to Act Like a Buttface When You're Wrong MEN 121 Understanding Your Incompetence Semester Four: MEN 122 YOU, the Weaker Sex MEN 123 Reasons to Give Flowers ECON 001C What WAS Yours is Hers Too SEX 101 You CAN Fall Asleep without It SEX 102 Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower Semester Five: SEX 103 How to Stay Awake After Sex MEN 201 How to Put the Toilet Seat Down MEN 210 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency MEN 211 How to Not Act Younger than Your Children MEN 212 You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver MEN 213 Honest, You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise Semester Six: MEN 230A Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important I MEN 220 Omitting %&*! from Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only) MEN 221 Fluffing the Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary MEN 222 Real Men Ask for Directions MEN 223 Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay MEN 230B Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important II Course Electives: EAT 101 Cooking with Tofu EAT 102 Utilization of Eating Utensils EAT 103 Burping and Belching Discreetly MEN 231 Mothers-in-law MEN 232 Appear to Be Listening MEN 233 Just Say "Yes, Dear" ECON 001C Cheaper to Keep Her --------- End Forwarded Message --------- I wanted the 101 spot for this! ::Pout:: ~*sirepseh*~ |