Lyr ADD: The Illiterate's Alphabet (Sid Kipper)

Subject: Lyr Req: The illiterate alphabet by Sid Kipper
From: GUEST,stu2104
Date: 25 Mar 09 - 02:33 PM

Hi, Does anyone have the lyrics to a Sid Kipper song called The illiterate alphabet or know where I can find them?

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: The illiterate alphabet by Sid Kipper
From: Gurney
Date: 25 Mar 09 - 03:18 PM

Don't know a song, but I did once hear a just post-war dialogue that went:

A. 'Ay for 'orses!
B. Beef or mutton!
C. See for miles!
D. Deef or blind.... something like that?

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: The illiterate alphabet by Sid Kipper
From: Gurney
Date: 25 Mar 09 - 03:21 PM

Forget it. It's on the Alphabet Song thread below. Currently below.

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: The illiterate alphabet by Sid Kipper
From: Joe Offer
Date: 25 Mar 09 - 03:42 PM

Oy. This gets confusing with two alphabet song threads going. So, the other thread has lyrics for another alphabet song. We're still in need of lyrics for the Sid Kipper "Illiterate's Alphabet" song. If you can find it, please post it here.

-Joe-

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: The illiterate alphabet by Sid Kipper
From: GUEST,stu2104
Date: 26 Mar 09 - 04:18 AM

Hi Again - yeah I know, I posted two requests 'cause I thought two "threads are better than one"!!!

Subject: Lyr Add: THE ILLITERATE'S ALPHABET (Sid Kipper)
From: Little Robyn
Date: 26 Mar 09 - 05:56 AM

I found it. It's in his book Man of Convictions.


THE ILLITERATE'S ALPHABET
(Sid Kipper)

A is for 'are', like 'are you sixteen?'
Also for 'aural', if you see what I mean;
C's for a 'cue', with which pool is played,
And D is for 'duty', which we try to evade.
Honour your teacher and see you do well,
Then you'll be certain you know how to spell.

E is for 'eye', it's open, you see,
F is for 'F' - with asterisks, three;
G's for the gnat that gnaws on a gnu,
And H is for 'honest' - would I lie to you?

I's not for Einstein, or eiderdown either,
J is for 'Jasmine', no girl could be blither;
K's for her 'knickers', but not those who take 'em,
And L's for 'Llandudno', if I'm not mistaken.

M's for 'Mnemonics' - with initials so neat,
N's in 'conclusive', but not in 'complete';
O is for 'oestrogen', or so they do tell,
And P's for 'phonetics' which help us to spell.

Q is for 'quay', where boats tie along,
But R's not for writing, unless you've writ wrong;
S is for 'sea', which laps on the shore,
And T's for 'Tsunami', which does rather more.

U's for 'Uranus', it is, I insist,
V's for a 'void', which we all try to miss;
W's for 'why', but also for who,
And X is for 'Xerox', and xylophone too.

Y is for 'you', but, then, so is E,
Z's not for Zar - that's C or it's T;
You'll notice I missed out the one before C;
Well, for present purposes, it's an absolute B!


SID SAYS: "George writ this song recent, when he found out that loads of people in prison can't spell proper. Well, it's not easy. Just take two words - 'champagne', and 'shampoo'. See what I mean? Mind you, when I was a boy that weren't a problem because we didn't have either of them. Back then we had real pain and real poo!"


It's from this page.

Robyn

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: The illiterate alphabet by Sid Kipper
From: GUEST,stu2104
Date: 26 Mar 09 - 07:27 AM

Brilliant! Thanks Robyn.

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: The illiterate alphabet by Sid Kipper
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 27 Mar 09 - 05:02 AM

It's not the one that Ian sings Stu, you'll have to ask him for the words.

Dave H

Subject: Lyr Add: COCKNEY ALPHABET
From: Black belt caterpillar wrestler
Date: 27 Mar 09 - 08:50 AM

Seeing the post-war alphabet above prompted me to remember (some of) what my father used to quote.

'A for 'orses
Beef or mutton
See for miles
Deformation
'Eave a brick
Efervescence
Geef 'o police
H?
Ifor Novello
J fer oranges
K for restaraunt
L for leather (one that actually works)
Emphasis
'Nformation
O for the wings of a dove
P?
Q for a bus
R f'a mo'
S?
T for two
Euphamy
V for la France
W for quits
X for breakfast
Y for girlfriend
Z?

If they don't make sense just say them quickly a few times.

Anyone have different versions?

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: The illiterate alphabet by Sid Kipper
From: Michael
Date: 27 Mar 09 - 10:23 AM

S for Williams
Z for breezes,

Mike

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: The illiterate alphabet by Sid Kipper
From: Michael
Date: 27 Mar 09 - 11:07 AM

A for crown (Dollar)
C for the Highlanders
D for dumb
U for me

I am dragging up things heard at me Grannies knee, here.

Mike

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: The illiterate alphabet by Sid Kipper
From: Little Robyn
Date: 27 Mar 09 - 04:41 PM

Bbcw and Michael, click on Gurney's blicky for that one.
It's not the one stu2104 was looking for. It has it's own thread already.
Robyn

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: The illiterate alphabet by Sid Kipper
From: GUEST,stu21april
Date: 30 Mar 09 - 03:24 AM

Not exactly the words I'm looking for but getting closer! Tried Mrs Ackroyd and Les Barker as a lead from Ian but no joy there as yet!

Stu

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: The Illiterate's Alphabet (Sid Kipper)
From: Mr Happy
Date: 26 Nov 10 - 10:15 AM

http://www.myspace.com/sidkipper/music/songs/The-Illiterate's-Alphabet-70763872

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: The Illiterate's Alphabet (Sid Kipper)
From: breezy
Date: 26 Nov 10 - 10:52 AM

O for a pee
P for relief

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: The Illiterate's Alphabet (Sid Kipper)
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 30 Nov 10 - 08:38 AM

In the lyrics that Little Robyn posted above, I see that 'B' is missing. Also, the first verse has six lines but all the others have four.

This leads me to suspect a couple of lines are missing.

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: The Illiterate's Alphabet (Sid Kipper)
From: GUEST,Grishka
Date: 30 Nov 10 - 10:10 AM

Jim, this leads me to suspect that you didn't read the lyrics to the end. Two lines will be the chorus. "Honour your teacher" is good irony: the less logic there is in it, the more authority it gives to the teacher.

Very good, that Sid Kipper one. The topic is by no means new (must have come up some way between Chaucer and Shakespeare), but treated brilliantly!

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: The Illiterate's Alphabet (Sid Kipper)
From: Little Robyn
Date: 01 Dec 10 - 12:48 AM

"You'll notice I missed out the one before C;
Well, for present purposes, it's an absolute B!"

If you don't believe me, talk to Sid Kipper.
Robyn

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: The Illiterate's Alphabet (Sid Kipper)
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 01 Dec 10 - 01:57 PM

Grishka: You're right; I didn't read to the end. But now, having read (and listened) to the end, I still don't understand: what does he mean by "an absolute B"?

Also, listening to the recording (See Mr. Happy's link above) cleared up one more problem: I now see that what appears to be lines 5 and 6 of verse 1 is actually the chorus. (It's nice to have choruses marked as such.) I see that in the original, the chorus was indicated by an indentation, but the indentation apparently didn't survive Robyn's copy-and-paste.

The recorded version also has a few differences:

E is for 'eye', an optical disk,
F is for 'F', with three asterisks.
...
Z's for the birds, if you ask me.

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: The Illiterate's Alphabet (Sid Kipper)
From: Little Robyn
Date: 02 Dec 10 - 04:27 AM

"an absolute B*****d"
I don't use language like that!
Robyn

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: The Illiterate's Alphabet (Sid Kipper)
From: GUEST,Grishka
Date: 02 Dec 10 - 05:11 PM

Or the female B***h. "For present purposes", however, I think the school mark "B" is punned at. Could an expert please confirm or deny?

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: The Illiterate's Alphabet (Sid Kipper)
From: GUEST
Date: 07 Jun 17 - 06:45 PM

Z for his hat

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: The Illiterate's Alphabet (Sid Kipper)
From: leeneia
Date: 07 Jun 17 - 08:19 PM

Belated thanks, Little Robyn. That's a clever song, but it's a lot more clever if one can read the lyrics, not just hear them.

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: The Illiterate's Alphabet (Sid Kipper)
From: Mr Red
Date: 08 Jun 17 - 05:29 AM

however, I think the school mark "B" is punned at. Could an expert please confirm or deny?

as a writer of humorous song (retired):
IMNSHO all meanings count, and were probably accepted at the time of writing.

Some will hear one meaning and laugh, some will see the other meaning and laugh and some will see both and nod as they laugh.

FWIW Sid Kipper's manager (;-) is a Uni Graduate, Post Grad too.

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: The Illiterate's Alphabet (Sid Kipper)
From: Joe_F
Date: 08 Jun 17 - 03:30 PM

And cf. the
unmentionable

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: The Illiterate's Alphabet (Sid Kipper)
From: Mo the caller
Date: 08 Jun 17 - 04:20 PM

Z for his hat
Z's for the birds, if you ask me.

Not sure I understand either of those. Since it's Sid Kipper I assume Zed not Zee,

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: The Illiterate's Alphabet (Sid Kipper)
From: Mr Red
Date: 08 Jun 17 - 04:51 PM

's 'ed for 'is zat

With Sid Kipper the pronunciation is as important.

Subject: Lyr Add: COCKNEY ALPHABET
From: Steve Gardham
Date: 08 Jun 17 - 05:06 PM

John Foreman's 60s Cockney version approximated to the following.
'ay for 'orses
beef or mutton
Seaforth Highlanders (a Scottish regiment)
Deef or Blinnd (deaf or blind)
'eave a brick
Effervescent
Chief o' Police
'ate yer for it
'ighfalluting
Jaffer oranges
Care for a cuppa?
'ell for leather
Emphasis
'en for eggs
ofer my dead body
Pee for a penny
queue for the flicks (movies)
'arf a mo ( half a moment)
Esfer Williams (actress?)
Tea fer two
Euphemism
Vifa la France
Double you for a quid (gambling)
eggs fer breakfast
Wife or girlfriend
z'ead for 'is 'at (his head for his hat)

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: The Illiterate's Alphabet (Sid Kipper)
From: Herga Kitty
Date: 08 Jun 17 - 07:05 PM

Jim Causley included Sid Kipper's Alphabet in his set at Ringwood folk club on Tuesday, so I've just heard it this week for the first time in a while.

Kitty

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: The Illiterate's Alphabet (Sid Kipper)
From: GUEST,Malcolm
Date: 07 Nov 22 - 08:17 AM

The version from theKippers that I’m looking for begins:

A is for Pardon, what’s that you say?

And I can’t remember the rest! I heard them perform it just once in about 1988 or ‘89. I would love to find that version if anyone has it?

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: The Illiterate's Alphabet (Sid Kipper)
From: GeoffLawes
Date: 09 Nov 22 - 12:06 PM

The Alphabet Song, Jim Causley.     https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O1HV0MnYyYE