NYCFTTS re-opens

Subject: NYCFTTS re-opens
From: SINSULL
Date: 02 Apr 09 - 08:40 AM

Seems only fair that Severn should have a vehicle in which to recouperate. Someone tell Nurse Ratchet that her services are needed.
Bedpans in the fridge; dull needles at the ready.

Subject: RE: NYCFTTS re-opens
From: MMario
Date: 02 Apr 09 - 09:47 AM

Stethescopes are chilling in the cooler as well.

Subject: RE: NYCFTTS re-opens
From: SINSULL
Date: 02 Apr 09 - 10:01 AM

Good!
I am scooping the lime Jell-O out of the Jell-O Pit in the tavern. It's fairly easy to pick out the feathers and scales. Should be fine...

Subject: RE: NYCFTTS re-opens
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 03 Apr 09 - 08:59 AM

[NB Prolly should be below the line, podners]
'Catters may wonder why I haven't been at the Tavern recently. Well after the mix-up with the jello deliveries- you may remember I was also emptying bedpans at the NYCFTTS at the time- well, what with the sick leave and the litigation and the restraining order and all, I've had to be an inmate not an intern,here, but it'll be nice to see some new patients now I'm out of quarantine. Apparently they had to burn my washboard because of contamination (so they said).

RtS
Patient #101
Ex-bedpan disposal operative and jello delivery person.

Subject: RE: NYCFTTS re-opens
From: SINSULL
Date: 03 Apr 09 - 09:36 AM

I thought I had put it below the line. The clones probably think some UK pub has re-opened. LOL

Subject: RE: NYCFTTS re-opens
From: SINSULL
Date: 03 Apr 09 - 02:14 PM

EEWWWWWW!
Bulk Jell-O mixup or those little individual cups too?

Subject: RE: NYCFTTS re-opens
From: gnu
Date: 03 Apr 09 - 02:23 PM

I don't care for Jello in my cup.

Subject: RE: NYCFTTS re-opens
From: SINSULL
Date: 03 Apr 09 - 02:55 PM

How about urine, gnu? It seems we have a choice.

Subject: RE: NYCFTTS re-opens
From: Rapparee
Date: 03 Apr 09 - 03:16 PM

Okay, deal. Gnu -- urine? If so, ante up.

Subject: RE: NYCFTTS re-opens
From: PoppaGator
Date: 03 Apr 09 - 03:31 PM

Do you use vodka to prepare the Jell-O? If so, definitely use the little individual paper cups.

Subject: RE: NYCFTTS re-opens
From: gnu
Date: 03 Apr 09 - 04:03 PM

Urine? Not me. Count me out.

Subject: RE: NYCFTTS re-opens
From: Rapparee
Date: 03 Apr 09 - 04:12 PM

At this point I should and could make some awful references to urine and thumbin', but since about 0.00000000000000000000000000001% of the population of the Mudcat (and far lower for the whole world) would understand I shall refrain.

Everyone now please join me in the refrain!

Subject: RE: NYCFTTS re-opens
From: Amos
Date: 03 Apr 09 - 04:12 PM

URine or you're out, as the gambler said to the sado-masochist....



A

Subject: RE: NYCFTTS re-opens
From: gnu
Date: 03 Apr 09 - 04:17 PM

I think I will refrain.

Subject: RE: NYCFTTS re-opens
From: Rapparee
Date: 03 Apr 09 - 04:27 PM

Have you frained before then? You didn't hurt yourself did you?

Subject: RE: NYCFTTS re-opens
From: gnu
Date: 03 Apr 09 - 04:32 PM

Just a slight refrain. I walked it off.

Subject: RE: NYCFTTS re-opens
From: GUEST,Nurse Ratched
Date: 03 Apr 09 - 04:37 PM

It's Ratched, dear, with a "d." Mildred Ratched.

Keeper of the Combine.

We are looking forward to Mr. Severn's occupancy.

Subject: RE: NYCFTTS re-opens
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 03 Apr 09 - 04:43 PM

Sounds like a royal "WEe" - for all of that urine, I suppose.

Subject: RE: NYCFTTS re-opens
From: Rapparee
Date: 03 Apr 09 - 04:50 PM

Urine trouble now!

Subject: RE: NYCFTTS re-opens
From: Bill D
Date: 03 Apr 09 - 04:59 PM

ALL us peons are in trouble!

Subject: RE: NYCFTTS re-opens
From: Joe Offer
Date: 03 Apr 09 - 07:48 PM

Google tells me that NYCFTTS is something really important, but I feel honor bound to move it to the non-music section.....

It has something to do with New York City, right?

-Joe, terminally screwed now, for sure-

Subject: RE: NYCFTTS re-opens
From: Rapparee
Date: 03 Apr 09 - 08:34 PM

Honor, sir? You speak of HONOR? Would you be willing to defend that honor with your blade?

Subject: RE: NYCFTTS re-opens
From: SINSULL
Date: 03 Apr 09 - 08:39 PM

Neil Young Center For The Terminally Screwed.

Oh dear. Nurse RatcheD is awaiting Severn's arrival. Maybe, Johns Hopkins is best after all.

Silly old cow - I spelt it right in the other thread.

Subject: RE: NYCFTTS re-opens
From: catspaw49
Date: 03 Apr 09 - 09:37 PM

As the Chairman of the board and CEO of the NYCFTTS including the James Taylor Catatonic Blandness Rehab Center, I need to report a few problems we've encountered of late.

First, this new Head Nurse is a terrific pain in the ass, lacking in any humanity or compassion, while possibly exhibiting a violent streak a mile wide. She recently threatened to castrate two patients who complained of her treatment. Two days later these two guys ended up heading for spots in the Vienna Boys Choir. Although no one actually was sure she did it, evidence, like the Commando Knife on her belt, pointed in her direction. Needless to say, the investigating police valued their own balls and never asked.

Then there's the nose flute problem. I put that simpleass Skiff in charge of ordering in both kazoos and nose flutes. Since we've lost CIA funding for the crazed tiple-noseflute bands and we've had to go for the best price we could otherwise find. The Koreans made a great bid but the only problem was Koreans have small noses and the damn things were useless. Sadly they sent a second shipment when we complained about the first which that fool Skiff accepted as well. These were MUCH larger....actually they were too big for Jamie Farr or Karl Malden or the ghost of Jimmy Durante! So we're shot-up-shit-outta'-luck til we get some more revenue coming.

Speaking of revenue......I'd rather not. We had a whole monstrous influx of applications when the Bush Regime was falling apart and the mortgage crisis was hovering. The gawddamn bailout sent the whole damn bunch of them to Easy Street instead of the NYCFTTS.

I'm doing my damndest to get things going. Rest assured, I have no Golden Parachute.   I do have a small kite made of ripstop nylon with a huge pink titty in the middle......but that's about it. So I need to get some help in here and some new patients as well. I'm going to assign Skiff as the personal assistant to Nurse Ratched in the hopes they will cancel each other out.....perhaps literally.

I could give a fuck which way it goes.

Regards,

Spaw
CEO,Chairman of the Board, and Original Developer of the Neil Young Center for the Terminally Screwed

Subject: RE: NYCFTTS re-opens
From: Rapparee
Date: 03 Apr 09 - 11:35 PM

I'm sorry to hear of your problems.

Would a few hundred million in stimulus money stimulate you?

Subject: RE: NYCFTTS re-opens
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 04 Apr 09 - 01:52 AM

Can I have a P please Bob.


LTS

Subject: RE: NYCFTTS re-opens
From: SINSULL
Date: 04 Apr 09 - 09:44 PM

Nose flutes? I thought they were...nevermind.

The crazed tiple noseflute band has been replaced by the Childless Ballad Singing Morris Dancers. Their first number will be - of course - Dainty Davey, done to the double timed drilling of a diatonic dildo.

And a ONE and a TWO and a...

Subject: RE: NYCFTTS re-opens
From: Bill D
Date: 04 Apr 09 - 10:21 PM

In Dorian mode, I hope....

Subject: RE: NYCFTTS re-opens
From: Rapparee
Date: 04 Apr 09 - 10:51 PM

Is that mode Gray?

Subject: RE: NYCFTTS re-opens
From: Rapparee
Date: 05 Apr 09 - 08:20 AM

I have forwarded Spaw's bank account information to a nice lady in Nigeria or maybe the Netherlands, one or the other, who is going to transfer sixty million US dollars into it for the NYCFTTS. She only asks that we remember her late father-in-law, who either Minister of Finance or the Head of the National Bank, in some appropriate way and share in the costs of transferring the money to the US.

I thought this would be the fastest way for Spaw.

No need to thank me. Just doin' my job.

Subject: RE: NYCFTTS re-opens
From: catspaw49
Date: 05 Apr 09 - 09:23 AM

Thank you Rap........but as the Center is still awaiting our federal bailout money which is due us as a former CIA asset, I find we are short of capital to advance for this fine offer. However, if you could take it upon yourself to supply the needed transfer funds, the NYCFTTS will give you 40% of the proceeds from not only this fine lady's offer but another 40% of the bailout money as well.

When can we expect the transaction to be completed?

Spaw

Subject: RE: NYCFTTS re-opens
From: SINSULL
Date: 05 Apr 09 - 12:30 PM

Hankie waving Morris Dancers leap by...

Subject: RE: NYCFTTS re-opens
From: Rapparee
Date: 05 Apr 09 - 08:19 PM

You'll know, Spaw. Believe me, you'll know.

Subject: RE: NYCFTTS re-opens
From: Rapparee
Date: 06 Apr 09 - 02:59 PM

Morris-waving hankie dancers leap by.

Subject: RE: NYCFTTS re-opens
From: MMario
Date: 06 Apr 09 - 03:08 PM

Morris hankie-waving dancers trip over bedpans.

Subject: RE: NYCFTTS re-opens
From: SINSULL
Date: 06 Apr 09 - 03:24 PM

Oh No! watch out for the flying swords and hurling bells and sticks, lots of sticks. Jell-O filled bedpans everywhere. Roger! Roger! Get your butt in here NOW!

Subject: RE: NYCFTTS re-opens
From: GUEST,Roger
Date: 06 Apr 09 - 07:13 PM

Yeeeeeeeeeees, maahster?

Subject: RE: NYCFTTS re-opens
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 07 Apr 09 - 09:06 AM

...seeing that I seem to have a clone, I'll let him do the work!

RtS

Subject: RE: NYCFTTS re-opens
From: SINSULL
Date: 07 Apr 09 - 09:50 PM

Roger - get the F***in Morris Dancers out of ER. I don't care if their feet are stuck in the bedpans, Then empty the bedpans and sterilize them. I want them so clean that you are ready to lick them!!! Understood???

Severn will be arriving presently. He needs a sanitary environment and REST! No bells. No swords. No sticks. And above all, no Jell-O.

Spaw - check into the BS/Wedding thread. If we handle this properly there will be plenty of funds to keep the place running another year and for renovating the padded rooms. BYW, is Neil still locked in one of them? I haven't heard a word out of him since...HMMMM

Subject: RE: NYCFTTS re-opens
From: Rapparee
Date: 07 Apr 09 - 09:55 PM

I'm afraid that the Morris dancers may, in their primitive fertility rite, impregnated one or more of the people standing around.

I am not one of them; I'm on a pill.

Subject: RE: NYCFTTS re-opens
From: GUEST,LTS pretending to work
Date: 08 Apr 09 - 07:34 AM

Nor me either.... I've been to the vets.

You could utilise the Morris dancers in the Occupational Therapy dept, not quite sure what as, but you could utilise them there.

LTS

Subject: RE: NYCFTTS re-opens
From: SINSULL
Date: 08 Apr 09 - 08:38 AM

Oh Roger! You didn't! Not with a Morris Dancer!
SIGH
On your lunch break stop in OB/GYN and see what needs to be done. If it isn't one thing, it's another.

Subject: RE: NYCFTTS re-opens
From: Rapparee
Date: 08 Apr 09 - 09:51 AM

Our target shoot team needs moving targets. Are they free for that day?

Subject: RE: NYCFTTS re-opens
From: Amos
Date: 15 Apr 09 - 10:48 PM

Neil himelf promises to show up in his Lincoln Electric Continental.

A

Subject: RE: NYCFTTS re-opens
From: SINSULL
Date: 16 Apr 09 - 08:54 AM

Nice ambulance. Thanks, Neil.
Shall we have him share a room with Sev? I am envisioning his crazed expression as Severn provides 35 puns on "guitar".

Subject: RE: NYCFTTS re-opens
From: Rapparee
Date: 16 Apr 09 - 02:00 PM

Like "Stand back! He need to guitar!" or "Guitar my lawn, ya little punk!"?????????

Subject: RE: NYCFTTS re-opens
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 16 Apr 09 - 04:52 PM

For gawds sakes, not the ukelelelelees!

LTS - who is in dire need of some therapy!!!

Subject: RE: NYCFTTS re-opens
From: Rapparee
Date: 16 Apr 09 - 06:53 PM

Yup, ukeleles -- that stringed instrument from the UK that the UKers play and others find completely ukeless.

Subject: RE: NYCFTTS re-opens
From: gnu
Date: 16 Apr 09 - 07:40 PM

Hello. My name is gnu, and I am terminally screwed. It's been less than a day since I was screwed, but, one day at a time, they say. I will try to do better tomorrow.

When's the next meeting?

Subject: RE: NYCFTTS re-opens
From: Amos
Date: 16 Apr 09 - 08:20 PM

Drink all you want but remember I have to guitar to the church on time. She's getting married in the moooorning!!



A

Subject: RE: NYCFTTS re-opens
From: SINSULL
Date: 16 Apr 09 - 08:50 PM

Nurse Ratched! Rap and Amos are due for their enemas. Gnu may be in need too. Watch him closely.

Subject: RE: NYCFTTS re-opens
From: Rapparee
Date: 16 Apr 09 - 09:26 PM

No, everyone is my friend. I have no enemas.

Subject: RE: NYCFTTS re-opens
From: Tweed
Date: 17 Apr 09 - 04:50 PM

.....sits long hours waiting to be enematized,.. gives up and eats entire jar of herring with good results.

Herring Rap??? Anyone???

Subject: RE: NYCFTTS re-opens
From: GUEST,Penelope Rutledge
Date: 17 Apr 09 - 05:07 PM

It could be worse, Tweed. In your case...even much worse. Count your blessings.

There is, for instance, an institution near Twillingsgate for the incarceration of those who have proven completely unable to function in normal society and who must be kept there for their own protection as well as that of the general public.

I am told that the accomodations are...spartan. Imagine, if you will, a scene somewhat akin to Renfield's confinement in Bram Stoker's tale of Dracula. Rather like that. As I say, count your blessings.

* PR

Subject: RE: NYCFTTS re-opens
From: Rapparee
Date: 17 Apr 09 - 05:23 PM

In what sort of sauce? I don't get sauced on just any old thing, you know.

Subject: RE: NYCFTTS re-opens
From: gnu
Date: 17 Apr 09 - 07:01 PM

I do not need an innuendo, SINS.

Subject: RE: NYCFTTS re-opens
From: Amos
Date: 17 Apr 09 - 07:24 PM

My, it is nice to see really famus names like Tweed around here.


A

Subject: RE: NYCFTTS re-opens
From: SINSULL
Date: 17 Apr 09 - 09:11 PM

How about an "out the other endo?"

Subject: RE: NYCFTTS re-opens
From: Rapparee
Date: 17 Apr 09 - 10:25 PM

Yes, Tweed...a river dividing England from Scotland. Famous indeed for many things. And, of course as a verb, as in "The bear tweed Jack for two hours."

Subject: RE: NYCFTTS re-opens
From: catspaw49
Date: 17 Apr 09 - 11:38 PM

EMERGENCY!!!! NOW READ THIS!!! EMERGENCY!!!

All of you need to get busy and clear as many beds as possible. We have a serious trauma situation and I think we may have a huge influx soon. There are a surprising number of Terminally Screwed and just completely fucked people over on the "Susan Boyle" thread. They run the gamut from Brits to Americans, Newbies to Moderators. We're probably going to need extra help as these folks are FUBAR and wholly full of shit!

The Insanevac chopper has been sent along with others borrowed from some Lifeflight Groups. And somebody get more Nose Flutes and FLeet Enemas!!!

GET BUSY GAWDAMMIT!!!!

Spaw---Developer and CEO of the NYCFTTS

Subject: RE: NYCFTTS re-opens
From: Little Hawk
Date: 18 Apr 09 - 12:20 AM

Damn straight. I took a deep breath and waded through that very thread earlier this evening, having been alerted to its presence by my pal Chongo. (He has a nose for gratuitous violence and mayhem.)

What carnage! What scenes of madness! Your emergency facilities are going to hit the overflow point with the collateral damage from that one, that's for sure. I'm glad I'm in Orillia where it's safe.

Subject: RE: NYCFTTS re-opens
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 18 Apr 09 - 02:00 AM

I'm keeping out of it... but after the afternoon I've had, I may need a quick therapy session.

Homebrewed pina colada (or penis collapsos as the instigator called them) featured heavily, along with a very bemused pair of Dutch tourists.

LTS

Subject: RE: NYCFTTS re-opens
From: Rapparee
Date: 18 Apr 09 - 10:50 AM

Having PTSD (Post Terminally Screwed Dysfunction) it's better if I don't visit that thread. But I have cleared off a considerable section of the bathroom floor.

Subject: RE: NYCFTTS re-opens
From: Rapparee
Date: 18 Apr 09 - 11:10 AM

I've also cleaned off those stainless steel tables in the morgue.

Subject: RE: NYCFTTS re-opens
From: gnu
Date: 18 Apr 09 - 01:32 PM

You morguedge the harm?

Subject: RE: NYCFTTS re-opens
From: Little Hawk
Date: 18 Apr 09 - 03:55 PM

Purchase a drool-o-meter. They are pretty much essential at the NYCFTTS these days.

Subject: RE: NYCFTTS re-opens
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 18 Apr 09 - 07:26 PM

Liz, do you drink that in a glass or do they hand it to you on a stick?

Subject: RE: NYCFTTS re-opens
From: katlaughing
Date: 18 Apr 09 - 11:54 PM

I just want a quiet LITTLE room, no television, no screaming CEOs, no scritched up cat litter...just a quiet little room and NO ONE WILL GET HURT!!!!

Subject: RE: NYCFTTS re-opens
From: SINSULL
Date: 19 Apr 09 - 12:10 PM

That depends, kat. If you have chosen to let your eyebrows grow in thick and full and have curled your hair into a 50s frump, you have to join the millions in the Susan Boyle wing. Be forewarned - none of these can sing but they are all bellowing show tunes in homage to their new idol.


I too want a private room with no cats, not litter box and no pissy bedding - Alice has been at it again. Much as I enjoyed Ms. Boyle's performance I despise show tunes and tweeze my chin as well as my eyerrows.

Subject: RE: NYCFTTS re-opens
From: Little Hawk
Date: 19 Apr 09 - 12:26 PM

I don't care for show tunes either, which interfered a bit with my enjoyment of Susan Boyle's no doubt fine performance.

Subject: RE: NYCFTTS re-opens
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 19 Apr 09 - 04:51 PM

Argh...!! Ms Boyle has been seen as far away as New Zealand, where she keeps showing up on the news.

Nurse, the screens!!!!

LTS

Subject: RE: NYCFTTS re-opens
From: Rapparee
Date: 19 Apr 09 - 10:06 PM

I went to grade school with John Boyle. Are they related?

Subject: RE: NYCFTTS re-opens
From: Little Hawk
Date: 19 Apr 09 - 10:54 PM

We may all be witnessing the most effectively orchestrated bit of musical promotion in history...whether or not Susan had any such intention in the first place.

Subject: RE: NYCFTTS re-opens
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 20 Apr 09 - 01:19 AM

Liz, I still want an answer about that "penis collapsos" drink of yours. How is it served?

Subject: RE: NYCFTTS re-opens
From: SINSULL
Date: 20 Apr 09 - 01:49 PM

Straight up.

Subject: RE: NYCFTTS re-opens
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 20 Apr 09 - 05:56 PM

No umbrella.

LTS

Subject: RE: NYCFTTS re-opens
From: SINSULL
Date: 21 Apr 09 - 08:10 AM

Speaking of Boyles, Mel Gibson came in this morning with a huge one on his ass. Stress related, I think. Anyone up for a lancing?

Subject: RE: NYCFTTS re-opens
From: Rapparee
Date: 21 Apr 09 - 08:38 AM

Do you routinely check Mel Gibson's nether regions? Or was he clothed and the thing so big you could see it through his pants?

Subject: RE: NYCFTTS re-opens
From: SINSULL
Date: 21 Apr 09 - 08:41 AM

He couldn't sit down so I nailed him to a cross tree by his undies. I'm not going anywhere near his nether regions.

Subject: RE: NYCFTTS re-opens
From: Little Hawk
Date: 21 Apr 09 - 01:07 PM

Mel Gibson has become a parody of himself as far as I'm concerned. I gave up not long after "Braveheart" (which was pretty good).

Subject: RE: NYCFTTS re-opens
From: SINSULL
Date: 21 Apr 09 - 02:16 PM

Oh sure! Everyone change the subject. Who's going to lance Braveheart's boil? He's in there whining like a baby.

Subject: RE: NYCFTTS re-opens
From: Rapparee
Date: 21 Apr 09 - 02:42 PM

Edward III. Edward II would have done so also, but in a completely different manner.

Subject: RE: NYCFTTS re-opens
From: SINSULL
Date: 21 Apr 09 - 03:40 PM

SIGH
Where's Ratched when you need her?

Subject: RE: NYCFTTS re-opens
From: SINSULL
Date: 12 May 09 - 11:32 AM

Amos is in the Tavern pretending all is well. When reality breaks through his Belize-induced euphoria he's going to need a colonic. get the room ready.

Subject: RE: NYCFTTS re-opens
From: Rapparee
Date: 12 May 09 - 04:46 PM

Okay. Fire hose -- READY!!!

Subject: RE: NYCFTTS re-opens
From: Amos
Date: 12 May 09 - 07:06 PM

Hey, man, all IS well--we took a vacation for the first time in twelve years and had a great time and got home safe and without being bankrupt. I return to find that a gang of overheated lollapaloozas and broke-dick mammaluccas who have spent their whole last six months believing in snow and other impossible things have gotten together and imagined terrible things being done to my house in revenge for my not believing in snow and other impossible things. I am tanned and fit. I have survived a complete housecleaning and redecoration by a mad-scramble banshee-inspired gang of architecturally demented folksingers. What's not to be well???



A

Subject: RE: NYCFTTS re-opens
From: SINSULL
Date: 12 May 09 - 08:11 PM

Now he is pretending to be Spaw. This could be serious.

Subject: RE: NYCFTTS re-opens
From: Rapparee
Date: 12 May 09 - 09:32 PM

Dementia pairacox, delusions of Spaw...tsk, tsk. Next he'll be saying he has a pair of noyas.

Subject: RE: NYCFTTS re-opens
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 13 May 09 - 09:39 AM

Just so it isn't a pair a docs.

Subject: RE: NYCFTTS re-opens
From: GUEST,Herr Doktor Heine von und zu Klysterscheiss
Date: 13 May 09 - 11:12 AM

Ach, mit der dumbkopf Amos ve haf a way to work. Ve vill gif him der hoch koloniks und der platt koloniks. A new mann of him will be made! Ve vill use der strong soap und der heissen vasser und clean der poisons und toxins out mach schnell!

Subject: RE: NYCFTTS re-opens
From: SINSULL
Date: 13 May 09 - 11:15 AM

der heissen vasser?

Do Hessians attend Vassar?
I'm confused.