Lyr Req: You Never Need Your Nooky When You're 90

Subject: Lyr Req: You never need your nooky when you're 90
From: GUEST,The barleymow
Date: 25 Jun 10 - 12:13 PM

I have been trying to find the lyrics for this song for years. It does exist. It is bawdy. It is also very amusing.
Any helpers????

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: You never need your nooky when you're
From: Anne Neilson
Date: 25 Jun 10 - 04:55 PM

This was written by John Eaglesham, concertina player and singer (originally with Glasgow group 'The Clutha' and more recently with 'Stramash'). John has written quite a few humorous songs and has provided fine settings for Scottish poets such as Violet Jacob and Joe Corrie.
I don't have the words to hand, and will need to check with John first before I could post them, so there will probably be some delay.
Will do my best.

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: You never need your nooky when you're 90
From: wysiwyg
Date: 25 Jun 10 - 05:36 PM

For bawdy songs, a PM to Dick Greenhaus is often productive.

~S~

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: You never need your nooky when you're 90
From: JohnInKansas
Date: 26 Jun 10 - 02:19 AM

I was hoping someone might report that the AARP, Red Hats, or Grey Panthers "expunged" it, since I also hope it's a bald-faced #!%@$# LIE. I'd hate to anticipate an unexpected abrupt end to ... .

I'm getting too close (to 90) to find it potentially very funny; but I'll be willing to reconsider if/when someone posts the lyrics.

No rush. I've got a few years left.

John

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: You never need your nooky when you're 90
From: Joe Offer
Date: 26 Jun 10 - 02:28 PM

Believe it or not, we had a thread on this song back in 2002. Jim McLean said it goes to the tune of "Ye cannae shove yer granny aff a bus" - but Jim didn't post the lyrics to the "nookie" song. Maybe if we pester Jim enough, he'll come up with something.

-Joe-

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: You never need your nooky when you're
From: Charley Noble
Date: 26 Jun 10 - 03:56 PM

Hopefully, he'll come up with the lyrics before most of us are 90.

Charley Noble

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: You never need your nooky when you're 90
From: Joe Offer
Date: 26 Jun 10 - 04:45 PM

I dunno, Charley.....you're getting very close.

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: You never need your nooky when you're 90
From: Jim McLean
Date: 26 Jun 10 - 05:38 PM

Joe, I must be getting on as I don't remember that post. The title phrase doesn't exactly fit 'Ye Cannae Shove Yer grannie aff a Bus' but maybe if yer grannie is 90 it disnae matter!

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: You never need your nooky when you're
From: Anne Neilson
Date: 26 Jun 10 - 05:53 PM

Still trying to get hold of the words, but this is a busy weekend so will have to wait.
And the tune is far more music-hall than 'Yer Grannie' - one of those tunes that sounds familiar the minute you hear it, but you can never quite pin it down!

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: You Never Need Your Nooky When You're 90
From: GUEST,Guest, Thebarleymow
Date: 21 Mar 11 - 04:12 PM

Just wondered if EKanne was able to get any furthewr in the search for the lyrics of this song?

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: You Never Need Your Nooky When You're 90
From: JohnInKansas
Date: 21 Mar 11 - 07:47 PM

A Google (today) for partials of the "lyric" gets vast repetitions of tasteless garbage by the same three of four groups/performers. The term "nookie" is apparently popular in a couple of ethnic/culteral groups incompatible with "music," although that's an interpretation based on superficial examination of the perhaps three songs found.

A Google for "nookie when you're 90" gets returns only to mudcat with the exception of the single link to onstagemedia where this thread is "mirrored" (and almost up to date).

The majority of mudcat links are actually to "fairy when she's forty," possibly because "nookie" is referenced in the "related threads" entries(?), although it's possible that someone made reference to this song (or posted fragments?) in a thread drift comment in one of the - apparently several - fairy threads.

According to Google, this song exists only in the minds(?) of mudcatters; although advancing age does continue to make it a concern of some urgency to some of us.

John

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: You Never Need Your Nooky When You're 90
From: GUEST,Alasdair
Date: 28 Apr 11 - 08:16 PM

I heard John Eaglesham sing this a couple of times but can only remember snatches - the melody wasn't the same as "ye cannae shove yer grannie"
The chorus went something like ..

Oh ye dinae need yer nookie when yer ninety,
yer rarely randy after eighty three,
while younger men hae fits,
chasin' legs and bums and tits,
yer perfectly contented wi yer cup o tea

oh ye dinae need yer nookie when yer ninety,
da da da da da da da da daa daaaaaaa (can't remember this bit...)
cause yer no enslaved tae wimmin,
when yer nae producin simmin,
yer lifes yer own when you reach eighty seven...

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: You Never Need Your Nooky When You're 90
From: Gallus Moll
Date: 28 Apr 11 - 09:41 PM

There is a wee cd called 'Half Cut' featuring John and a number of his songs - don't think it is commercially available tho, might have been done for one of his birthdays?

Anyway, if no-one else does so I shall listen to said cd then transcribe the words.

As EKanne said previously, the tune is one of those that sounds really familiar in a music-hallish sort of way - - think it is an adaptation of something we all know - -?

Nag me in a week if I have not completed this task!

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: You Never Need Your Nooky When You're 90
From: GUEST,jim bainbridge
Date: 21 Feb 16 - 09:17 AM

Well Gallus Moll- it's nearly 5 years now!
I believe there is a CD of my old pal John (RIP)'s songs- I remember him singing it to the village folk of Glentool, Galloway in the House o Hill pub before it turned into a suburban bistro a few years ago.

I sing it occasionally, it's a hoot but you need to choose the occasion!!- I have probably changed the words via the folk process, but this is as I recall it....

Oh at 65 my granddad he was seriously ill,
At 70 he was infinitely worse
And in a few years mair he was ridin' in a chair
At 80 he depended on a nurse   
He wasn't eatin' anything except a dose o' pills
Says I'I'm sad to see ye're goin' to dee'
Says he''I'm no' done-in my good times are just comin'
Just listen and I'll tell hyr what my granddad said to me

chorus..

Ye never need yer nookie when ye're 90
Ye're rarely randy when ye're 83
While young men they take fits, chasin' legs and bums and tits
Ye're really quite ecstatic wi' yer cup o' tea
No ye never need yer nookie when ye're 90
And the freedom from the hassle it's like heaven
For ye're no' obliged to weemin' when you're no' producin' semen
Aye yer life's yer ain when you reach 87

V2
Sure enough at 85 my granddad threw away his chair
And practised at the shinty* with his stick
He had a lot o' fun when he did the marathon
And from there he graduated very quick
He hot a job as centre forward for Celtic
He scored 5 goals, gave the Aberdeen a hidin'
But I think he was tryin' to irk us when he went & joined the circus
And npne of us approved of his hang-glidin'
chorus

V3
Now all human life is mortal though he brought it on himself
Although he was 141
Climbin' Everest to him, was just a wee bit whim
But the show-off tried to come down on one hand.
When they heard that he was dead
The papers hassled me all day

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: You Never Need Your Nooky When You're 90
From: GUEST,jimbainbridge
Date: 21 Feb 16 - 09:37 AM

not sure what happened to the last few lines!!- here they are..

Sasyin' 'How come he was so active when so old?'
Well I didn't want to tell but they paid so very well
That I stood before the cameras and I said quite bold...
last   chorus..
* shinty is a game played in the Scottish Highlands, a bit like the Irish hurling, a sort od aerial hockey!
** weemin= women (scots)

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: You Never Need Your Nooky When You're 90
From: Gallus Moll
Date: 21 Feb 16 - 06:55 PM

oops, guess both EKanne and I both forgot to keep to our promises- - -

Jim your version is not far from how I remember it* and I really will have a listed to my cd of John (sadly departed alas)and transcribe- - -   is there any way of posting sound/recordings? How do we get tunes onto mudcat? (I don't read or write music in any shape of form!)
(* - rarely randy efter 83 - probably a few other tweaks required-)

NB The cd became an 'official' one and was / still is being sold to raise finds for research into the illness (the name of which I cannot recall) that took John.

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: You Never Need Your Nooky When You're 90
From: GUEST,jim bainbridge
Date: 22 Feb 16 - 09:00 AM

Hello Gallus Moll- tweak it by all means- I learn a song, then normally never listen again to it- sometimes never get the chance, so no way do I claim this as the definitive version- it comes as a shock if I do hear the original again- fairly unrecognisable!! I didn't attempt to print it in dialect, couldn't anyway!!   only where it was needed to make it scan properly.
I recall John did a short spoken bit before each chorus- varying with the occasion- one was, just before the last verse....

'And thus I addressed the nation'......

Re the CD, I do remember it being issued a while back. His lady, Biff did me a CD of his songs some years ago, but that was unofficial. Would gladly buy one if anyone can say where to buy it...

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: You Never Need Your Nooky When You're 90
From: Gallus Moll
Date: 22 Feb 16 - 06:45 PM

Hi Jim,
I think Finlay Allison / Stramash were behind upgrading the unofficial cd to the official one, and they were being sold as fundraisers for the condition John had / succumbed to (sorry I have forgotten the name of it)
I will contact Anne N, Biff and Finlay -- also try to remember to listen to my own cd, transcribe the words - eventually!

You can check the Glasgow Fiddle Workshop website to contact Finlay, he organises the beginners and improvers 'Slow Sessions' and his contact details are on the site.

I have now written myself a note so hope I remember to chase this up for you - and whoever asked the original Q! (barleymow?)

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: You Never Need Your Nooky When You're 90
From: Louie Roy
Date: 23 Feb 16 - 05:00 AM

You will have to ask someone older than me when you are suppose to quit having sex I'm 91

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: You Never Need Your Nooky When You're 90
From: GUEST,Thebarleymow
Date: 05 Mar 16 - 09:55 AM

I posted this lyrics request way back in 2010.
Funny but it was only a couple of weeks ago I was wondering if there had ever been any success and there Jim Bainbridge, another guest, had come up with the words. Well done that man.
Can you tell me Jim, what tune were they sung to?
Many thanks.

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: You Never Need Your Nooky When You're 90
From: Snuffy
Date: 05 Mar 16 - 11:14 AM

It looks like it's adapted from "Nobody loves a fairy when she's forty".

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: You Never Need Your Nooky When You're 90
From: GUEST,jim bainbridge
Date: 05 Mar 16 - 12:52 PM

No that's not the tune - John's is a 6/8 tune while the 'Fairy' one is 4/4 time.

I know the tune but would suggest that the best way to find it is to buy the charity CD of John's songs put out some time back.

Gallus Moll gave an indirect way to maybe get hold of one of these a few posts back.

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: You Never Need Your Nooky When You're 90
From: Gallus Moll
Date: 05 Mar 16 - 07:16 PM

ooops, still haven't had time to contact Finlay or Biff - -- - but purchasing the charity cd is a great suggestion from Jim - thanks!
I shall phone Biff and /or Finlay in the next day or two - - -

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: You Never Need Your Nooky When You're 90
From: GUEST,Thebarleymow
Date: 06 Mar 16 - 09:12 AM

If you can source the CD or copy of same it would be very much appreciated and I would be glad to purchase same with proceeds going to help charity funds.
Many thanks,
Richard

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: You Never Need Your Nooky When You're 90
From: GUEST,Dave Hunt
Date: 06 Mar 16 - 09:47 AM

With the recent marriage of Jerry Hall and Rupert Murdoch it seems some people think they still can?????

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: You Never Need Your Nooky When You're 90
From: Gallus Moll
Date: 06 Mar 16 - 03:13 PM

OK I have now emailed Finlay and await his response (don't know if he 'does' Mudcat)but if not he can talk to EKanne who does!


You might be able to contact Finlay via Glasgow Fiddle Workshop website, under the very slow session section (if that is still there)

I'll also phone Biff later

It would be really great to sell some more of these fundraising cds -- still can't remember the name of the debilitationg condition -- -
There is a good cross section of songs and accompanying tunes, not just funny ones!
(once again I should have gone downstairs and read the sleeve notes / index prior to launching into a response - -)

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: You Never Need Your Nooky When You're 90
From: Gallus Moll
Date: 06 Mar 16 - 05:06 PM

Being such an organised person I can't just for the moment put my hands on my cd -- but I think it has the same songs as the draft version? Which has:-
1 Bonnie Lad
2 Drinkin' Drams
3 Guidwife
4 Clear Cauld Water
5 Last o the Tinkler
6 Bennachie
7 Twa Corbies
8 Jackie Tar
9 Glenlogie
10 Auntie Bella
11 Ploughman's Lament
12 Tattie Time
13 Merchant's Son
14 Song o' Passion
15 Green Plaid
16 Pawkie Duke
17 Pair Silly Auld man
18 Wife o' the Garngad
19 Peggy in the Mornin'
20 Better Be Lucky
21 Bonnie and Braw
22 Poaching in Excelsis
23 Daft Piper

As you an see, a good cross section of songs / genres.
Let you know when I have more info - or perhaps Biff, Finlay or EK will post the details!

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: You Never Need Your Nooky When You're 90
From: Gallus Moll
Date: 06 Mar 16 - 06:34 PM

as you CAN see is what I thought I had written- - too busy arguing with the spelling mistakes thingy that disnae ken Scots wurds - -!

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: You Never Need Your Nooky When You're 90
From: GUEST,Thebarleymow
Date: 07 Mar 16 - 08:27 AM

Again, many thanks.
I have sent an email to Finlay and am hopeful he will be able to help.
Richard

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: You Never Need Your Nooky When You're 90
From: GUEST,Thebarleymow
Date: 07 Mar 16 - 08:27 AM

Again, many thanks.
I have sent an email to Finlay and am hopeful he will be able to help.
Richard

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: You Never Need Your Nooky When You're 90
From: GUEST,jim bainbridge
Date: 05 Mar 18 - 12:06 PM

Any news of this- have lost touch with Biff- she did sort a CD of John'songs about 12 years ago when they made one of their regular trips down to Glentrool, but would be good to have the official charity CD

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: You Never Need Your Nooky When You're 90
From: Gallus Moll
Date: 05 Mar 18 - 04:52 PM

aaarrrgggghhh -- I've lost all my contacts partly due to drappin' ma phone irretrievably in the loch and more recently having completely misplaced my last remaining address/phone numbers book (I guess it has now joined all the others lost within this house somewhere - -)
I could take you to Biff's house but canny mind the name o the street -- near Hyndland station!
usually I get in touch with Gillie on Bute who then forwards my message -- BUT I have lost her details too!!!
Maybe try    Dabbles    on facebook?
Or ask Ewan MacVicar?
meantime I will make a note to myself -- - (and let you know in 5 years?!)

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: You Never Need Your Nooky When You're 90
From: GUEST,akenaton
Date: 22 Apr 18 - 10:42 AM

If I remember correctly John used to sing it to the tune of "I do like to be beside the seaside" approximately.

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: You Never Need Your Nooky When You're 90
From: Gallus Moll
Date: 22 Apr 18 - 12:56 PM

don't think it's the bedside the seaside tune Ake -- next time we meet in the co-op I'll sing it tae ye!

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: You Never Need Your Nooky When You're 90
From: GUEST
Date: 22 Apr 18 - 01:01 PM

Hey Gallus! Ah'm no' 90 yit....bettir mak sure yer oan the other side o' the coontir! :0)

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: You Never Need Your Nooky When You're 90
From: Gallus Moll
Date: 22 Apr 18 - 06:09 PM

ye couldnae catch me onyweys Ake! hahahhaha!!! xxxxx

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: You Never Need Your Nooky When You're 90
From: GUEST,ake
Date: 23 Apr 18 - 02:03 AM

:0)

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: You Never Need Your Nooky When You're 90
From: GUEST,jim bainbridge
Date: 23 Apr 18 - 12:26 PM

Funny this should come up again- I finally plucked up courage to sing it in public yesterday at Rosie Stewart's excellent singing session in Glenfarne, Co Leitrim- encouraged to do it after a very rude story told by the wonderful Gene Sheerin of Cliffony, Co Sligo.

Definitely not the 'Seaside' tune- I can't place it as anything but an Eaglesham original tune

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: You Never Need Your Nooky When You're 90
From: GUEST,akenaton
Date: 23 Apr 18 - 01:05 PM

I've been talking to Davie Robertson, who reckons Rosie's version of his wonderful "love" song "Star o' the Bar" is the best by a mile.

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: You Never Need Your Nooky When You're 90
From: GUEST,jim bainbridge
Date: 23 Apr 18 - 01:36 PM

OK I'll pass that on to Rosie!