BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride

Subject: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: GUEST,Joseph Blunder
Date: 07 Apr 11 - 05:52 PM

This thread will serve as my journal as I set about on a Holy Mission to save the immortal soul of Shane McBride, a young man who has fallen deeply into sin and depravity, and who is now resting in solitary confinement in the Sudbury jail, awaiting trial for bank robbery, public mischief, resisting arrest, pointing a gun, and "being a dick", to quote what I was told by one of the arresting officers.

The first day of my evangelization of Shane McBride is now over. I am exhausted! But I shall not flag nor become discouraged. The police have given me carte blanche to visit him every day and acquaint him with the Gospel. I began by reminding Shane of his spiritual responsibilities, all the while subjected to a torrent of unspeakable verbal abuse from the prisoner! I continued with selected readings from Revelations, the Psalms, and Matthew. These were greeted with open contempt and derision. The unkempt young heathen then proceeded to try to drown me out by singing endless verses of "Ninety-Nine Bottles of Beer on the Wall" in a loud voice and very much offkey. He followed that with some filthy song about a young women, the words of which are so dreadful and obscene that I dare not repeat them even with blanks inserted for the worst parts. Suffice it to say that certain portions of her frontal anatomy were compared to certain nether portions of a moose, and let's just leave it at that. He also pulled down his pants at one point, exposing his bare buttocks to me. I was in no wit dismayed, but continued reading loudly from the Bible and holding up a cross to remind Shane that he is in the presence of the Lord at all times and WILL be held accountable for anything he says and does.

At one point he rushed over to the bars of his cell in a frenzy, spat at me, and attempted to grab my Bible (and, I assume, tear it to pieces).

I think what may really be needed here is not a normal evangelization, but rather a full-blown exorcism! I intend to contact the Elders of our church and get their recommendations on a specialist to assist me.

I shall return tomorrow to continue saving this wretched sinner from the evils that have so clearly overtaken him. I encourage all who read this to pray by both day and night for Shane McBride, as it will greatly assist me in doing the Lord's work and bringing this child of God back into the light of Goodness and Truth.

- Joseph Blunder, Minister to the Heathen, candidate for the Parliament of Canada.

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: GUEST,Officer Walsh, OPP
Date: 07 Apr 11 - 05:58 PM

This oughta be good. ;-D I am placing bets with the other officers on who gives out first, Shane or the preacher.

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: Amos
Date: 07 Apr 11 - 08:09 PM

THis was a put up job by Officer Dana, wasn't it? She's trying to let the boy down ge

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: Little Hawk
Date: 07 Apr 11 - 08:12 PM

Oh, dear. I think something just interrupted Amos in midstream. I hope it wasn't anything fatal, like the bite of the Black Mamba or a crashing 747.

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: Rapparee
Date: 07 Apr 11 - 09:14 PM

genitally? gentilely? gerbilly?

What, oh what, was Amos' last word to be?? Inquiring Minds patiently await with bated breath!

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: Little Hawk
Date: 07 Apr 11 - 10:07 PM

More importantly, what has happened to Amos? Is he still lucid? Conscious? Present?

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: Donuel
Date: 07 Apr 11 - 10:25 PM

mmmm how bout a sweat lodge?

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: Rapparee
Date: 07 Apr 11 - 10:26 PM

Rattlesnake bite, I 'spect. Them rattlers'll sneak up an' bite ya an' ya'll swell up like a pizen'd pup an' yer bit part will turn black an' fall plum off. Only thing'll cure it is drinkin' a mixture of gunpowder an' whiskey after you've gone an' kauterized the bite by settin' off a load o' gunpowder on it. 'Course, you kin always use a plaster o' fresh cowpie, too. Lotsa people swear by that 'cause it draws the pizen out. Ya gotta leave it on 'til it turns green, though.

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: Amos
Date: 07 Apr 11 - 10:58 PM

..let the boy down gently by siccing that parson on him, wasn't she? Kinda sweet of her not to just tell him to his face.

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: Little Hawk
Date: 07 Apr 11 - 11:03 PM

Ah, good. You're okay.

***

Well, I really like your advice on rattlesnakes, Rap, and I hope I never have to use it.

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: GUEST,Don McBride
Date: 07 Apr 11 - 11:17 PM

That sorry Christain fliphead Blunder has been harassin' Shane down at the lockup. He is outta his flippin' mind. That goes without sayin', eh? The little brother must be goin' through hell what with the cops on one hand with night sticks and Blunder on the other wavin' a flippin' Bible in his face. They must be tryin' to break him down so's he'll admit to all them crimes he is acysused of or maybe even volenteer to be a human sheild in Libya or somethin'! I know they got dark and evil plans to take advantage of my little brother and make him into, like, a slave for the systeme! They have gotta be stopped, eh?

I will see if I can smuggel in some dirty magazines and maybe some weed so's Shane don't lose all hope.

On the good side, I got $153.11 now to raise help fer Shane. The T-shirts are sellin' not bad.

- Don

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: Rapparee
Date: 08 Apr 11 - 11:11 AM

His help is now in the Lord, Don. He should repent, tell all, and embrace his punishment like a man (whining, screaming, and bitching about it, according to my wife). Otherwise Mr. Blunder and Co. might surround YOUR house and preach and pray for the boy there.

How do you think you'll like being prayed over and preached to in relays, day after day and night after night, followed everywhere you go by someone preaching and praying atcha?

Better he stay in jail, man.

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: Bob the Postman
Date: 08 Apr 11 - 12:36 PM

The parson he did come
And he looked so flippin glum
He can kiss my flippin bum
(And give it lotsa tongue)
God damn his eyes

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: Bob the Postman
Date: 08 Apr 11 - 12:39 PM

The above is the latest post on Shane's Twitter feed. God knows where he's got the Blackberry stashed.

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: Little Hawk
Date: 08 Apr 11 - 01:09 PM

Maybe it's up his ass?

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: gnu
Date: 08 Apr 11 - 01:16 PM

Throw the book at im rev!

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: Amos
Date: 08 Apr 11 - 01:30 PM

The ironies within ironies of the fictitious Shane being proselytized to accept a fictitious salvation from a fictitious deity, by a fictitious parson in a fictitious jai, are too delicious. It is like a Bavarian layer cake of the mind!


A

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: Little Hawk
Date: 08 Apr 11 - 01:53 PM

Indeed, Amos. ;-) But if you stop for a moment to examine the ironies of the current political scene or the current financial scene in our society, you will find them rather similar in their multi-leveled unreality (even though based upon some kind of present reality)...and a lot less fun! ;-)

You note that the nastier people on this forum do not bother with these fictitious story threads. They are too busy savaging each other and tearing each other's guts out on the political and religious threads...an activity which they regard as "meaningful", no doubt.

I don't. I regard it as the fruitless bellowing and snarling of hungry egos intent on domination, and nothing more than that. It's like watching a bunch of dogs fighting over a piece of carrion.

In any case, there's always a good place in life for fiction. It not only can entertain, it can also serve as metaphor to make us re-examine our own lives, is it not so?

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: gnu
Date: 08 Apr 11 - 06:32 PM

Make it so.

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: Rapparee
Date: 08 Apr 11 - 06:35 PM

What! You DARE to believe that fiction has any relevance WHATSOEVER to our own lives? Have you considered that OUR LIVES might not have any relevance WHATSOEVER to fiction?

In the meantime, come on all you boys and girls! Close your eyes and cross your fingers and say it together, louder and louder, until Tink Shame is well:

I DO believe in Shame!

I DO believe in Shame!

and so on.

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: Amos
Date: 08 Apr 11 - 07:05 PM

It is one of my great sorrows that my life has no overpowering meaning to Lazarus Long and his red-headed twin granddaughters; would that I could be the mainstay of all their happinesses!!

ANd while I believe in shame as a tawdry mechanism of low-grade control by the mindless over the witless, I do not believe in Shane McBride.

A

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: Little Hawk
Date: 08 Apr 11 - 07:11 PM

You aren't required to believe in him any more than you are required to believe in Huck Finn, Tom Sawyer, Don Quixote, or Willy Scopes.

Just enjoy him, that's all.

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: Amos
Date: 08 Apr 11 - 07:46 PM

I never thought I was so required, LH!! It would be a silly position for me to take indeed!

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: Little Hawk
Date: 08 Apr 11 - 10:14 PM

True. Almost as silly as taking the missionary position with a female moose or an ostrich...(you on top, I mean)

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: Rapparee
Date: 08 Apr 11 - 10:37 PM

Poor old Shame, fluttering about in his cell, his light slowly fading...because AMOS won't believe in fairies him.

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: GUEST,Rev. Jimmy Lee Staggers
Date: 09 Apr 11 - 04:49 PM

May God bless you and your good work, Brother Blunder! No matter how long or how difficult the road, the work you have started upon it what the Lord expects from those who follow Him!

Yes, perhaps a full exorcism is indeed in order, but be very careful as the Evil One has been known to turn on the exorcist! Yay, verily he will shout out sins you might have committed before Finding The Way, hoping to scandalize you before the world! You must hold fast to The Rock and know that The Pilot is guiding your ship through the storm into a peaceful and safe harbour.

Go, Brother Blunder, and know that in doing This Work you are Blessed!

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 09 Apr 11 - 05:08 PM

...and they say the 'mericans don't understand irony.

:D

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: gnu
Date: 09 Apr 11 - 05:36 PM

Del here. Dale told me what was on the go an I come ta Moncton fer ta use gnu's internut so's I could put my 3 cents in. Used ta be 2 cents but that fucker, er, Harper, up there in Ottawa got that all fucked around and it's gonna go up again fer sure eh.

Soooo... Hang on Jimbo! Ain't ye the fellah what used ta run the Staggers Inn? Yer a bootlegger ain't ye? Sold yer own shine too I recall before the J-Division a the Yella Stripes nailed ye and put ye away in minimum. Found religion eh wha? It's tha loike a you what gets that there poor good ol boy Shane up to ees arse in shit in the first place and then grabs coin from the gullible so's ye can minsiter to SAVE him. Whadda ye got goin here eh?... that there Blunder fellah on the payroll doin yer dirty work fer ye? Yer some slick sonovabitch ye are.

Nice work if ya can get it eh.

PS... Ye got any positions? Passin the plate er consolin young widows er wehatever? I ain't picky. Ah'm will ta go 30/70 if ye got a good rake eh. But just until I get the coin goin fer ye. Then we gotta talk about the cut. Let me know.

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: GUEST,Rev. Jimmy Lee Staggers
Date: 09 Apr 11 - 05:51 PM

Sir! I am nothing of the kind!

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: JennieG
Date: 09 Apr 11 - 06:29 PM

What a wonderful movie title...."The Salvation of Shane McBride".....has Hollywood come knocking on Shane's door yet? With so much reality TV around nowadays, will Shane's salvation (or Sal's shanevation) be filmed while it really happens, so the rest of the world can see and learn from his experiences?

No doubt Winona could undertake to play the part of Officer Jennifer Dana. Shane will probably play himself. Don likewise.

Cheers
JennieG

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: gnu
Date: 09 Apr 11 - 07:46 PM

Winona? She ain't got no bones eh. Ye needs a WOMAN what can cope with the good ol boys when they get outta line. She just don't play the part fer me.

As fer Shane playin himself? He may as well be playin with himself. Ye needs a real good ol boy... an actual human bean. Dale would sign on fer beer and a moose tag. I am his agent and he is available. So is Del. Unfortunately, Johnny, the youngest brother, is embroiled in an "insurance claim" kinda deal so he's a risk at best.

Anyway, LH knows all about my ahh, err, aquaintenances up Kent County, and I am sure if he gets a movie deal he'll cast this epic with real people, reeeal cheap. I'd even be willin ta make a cameo on accounta I am part good ol boy. Even at my age, I can still keep tight lines and shoot straight... iffin that fits in with them big city boys like Shane.

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: gnu
Date: 09 Apr 11 - 07:52 PM

Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy... admit and repent and beg for your salvation before the video gets on You Tube. Your flock is sure to flock off if you follow the evil path of deceit.

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: Rapparee
Date: 09 Apr 11 - 09:07 PM

Ah do think he's done gone and been OFFended.

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: Little Hawk
Date: 09 Apr 11 - 11:56 PM

The movie idea is superb! But Winona isn't the right type to play Officer Dana. She's not tall enough and a bit too delicate. Angelina Jolie would make a fine Officer Dana, but even better would be an athletic blonde actress. I can't think who exactly, but we need someone who's tall, blonde, and pretty, comes off as a smart girl, no bimbo, and also really looks like she can take care of herself in a dangerous situation. Anyone got suggestions?

I got word through the grapevine. The cops are allowing Reverend Blunder to come in once a day and minister to Shane, but they have absolutely ruled out the conducting of an exorcism. It's not allowed in a Canadian penal institution. Perhaps if Shane could get transferred to some religious facility at some point, then it could go ahead, but not in his present accomodations.

I wonder if the Jesuits still have a dungeon somewhere in Canada where that sort of thing can be done under proper supervision?

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: gnu
Date: 10 Apr 11 - 06:04 AM

Athletic blonde... you read my mind. It's obvious! Officer Karen.

Transferred? What about Mount Cashel Orphanage?

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: Little Hawk
Date: 10 Apr 11 - 02:56 PM

Great idea, gnu! I bet they'd love to take over the job of "saving" Shane.

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: gnu
Date: 10 Apr 11 - 03:11 PM

Be a good move for Shane. Lotta money to be made in sodomy, depending which end your on.

Yeah, intended... in more than one way. >;-)

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: GUEST,Rev. Jimmy Lee Staggers
Date: 10 Apr 11 - 05:38 PM

Unfortunate. The young man is obviously possessed. I have written and asked Mr. Blunder if he might get a group together who would pray over this poor, unfortunate, soul all day and night for as long as it takes to awaken him and to set him upon the Right Path.

I truly feel that this is a desperate case and calls for the most extreme measures to bring this soul to salvation. Indeed, some techniques used by the Papists in years past might well be applied here if all else fails. Rome might be the home of the Devil, but we can use some of the Devil's own methods to snatch souls from him.

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: gnu
Date: 10 Apr 11 - 05:43 PM

"Rome might be the home of the Devil..."

Yer goin ta hell Jimbob.

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: Little Hawk
Date: 10 Apr 11 - 05:53 PM

Oh, dear. It appears that some doctrinal differences are coming up here.

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: gnu
Date: 10 Apr 11 - 05:57 PM

Whats doctors got ta do with it?

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: JennieG
Date: 10 Apr 11 - 06:01 PM

Gnu, Officer Karen definitely! I'm sure she could show Shane a thing or two.

Cheers
JennieG

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: gnu
Date: 10 Apr 11 - 09:07 PM

I wish she'd show me everything... I have had a crush on her since I saw her on TV the first time. Maybe that's why I was thinkin blonde and.... her.

Sigh... I AM a dirty old man. But, for good reason.

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: GUEST,Brother Dismas Fiacre
Date: 10 Apr 11 - 09:07 PM

Jailed? Thrown in with criminals, as Our Lord was? Perhaps he will see the similarity and be humble enough to offer up his punishment. It will certainly shorten his time in Purgatory and, with true repentance (not the showy, false kind some preach) he can eventually join the Body of Christ and eventually sing praises 'round the Heavenly Throne.

For there is room in God's love and mercy for all, even the Rev. Jimmy Lee Staggers.

I shall begin a novena for all involved: Mr. Blunder, Shane McBride, and the Rev. Staggers.

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: Rapparee
Date: 10 Apr 11 - 11:39 PM

Heavens to Betsy. The Catholics vs. the Evangelicals vs. Shame McBride.

Place your bets now, folks, on the greatest race of this or any other century! Right now it's even odds, but just be patient!

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: JennieG
Date: 11 Apr 11 - 01:37 AM

Rev Jimmy Lee Staggers? is he the one whose wife was....er......with one of his male parishioners?   or was he.....er.......with one of his female flock? I remember the scandal, not the participants.

If such is the case, then who is he to cast the first stone at poor Shane?

Cheers
JennieG

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: gnu
Date: 11 Apr 11 - 06:06 AM

But, is the stone loaded?

According to Canuck law, it don't make no nevermind.

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: Rapparee
Date: 11 Apr 11 - 10:31 AM

I'll do it. No problem. Just hand me that rock right over there and let's get started.

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: Rapparee
Date: 11 Apr 11 - 09:39 PM

Come to think about it, why do I care whether or not Shame is "saved"? He's a drunken fool of a moronic waste of good protoplasm and might well be the single reasons freds are thinking about putting this planet off-limits. He chose his life, has never shown any sign of attempting to better himself or pull himself up out of the gutter he sprawls in, and so why should anyone care about him is beyond me. Were he actually human I might feel otherwise, but he's never shown any signs of humanity.

Forget about him, let him rot in a jail (or gaol) cell.

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: Gurney
Date: 12 Apr 11 - 01:39 AM

Hand you the rock, Rap? And you wearing gloves?

There may be greenies here, but are they THAT green?

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: JennieG
Date: 12 Apr 11 - 01:47 AM

I would be careful Rap......you never know what is going to crawl out from under that rock.

Cheers
JennieG

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: Rapparee
Date: 12 Apr 11 - 10:50 AM

The worst that could crawl out from under any rock is in jail, being preached to in relays I guess.

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: gnu
Date: 12 Apr 11 - 02:04 PM

Relaygion?

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: Rapparee
Date: 12 Apr 11 - 02:59 PM

Yup. That old-time kind. They're probably about at the snake-handling stage by now.

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: Little Hawk
Date: 12 Apr 11 - 03:39 PM

Shane is an experienced snake handler...in a manner of speaking.

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: gnu
Date: 12 Apr 11 - 05:27 PM

The one-eyed bedsnake?

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: Rapparee
Date: 13 Apr 11 - 10:39 AM

I think that the question of his salvation can't be answered soon enough. Let's hang him and find out.

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: Little Hawk
Date: 13 Apr 11 - 01:02 PM

Hanging is illegal in Canada. Even in Shane's case.

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: gnu
Date: 13 Apr 11 - 01:32 PM

"Hanging is illegal in Canada." So, 25 years without parole for first-degree stupidity. Whaddya get for being really really stupid?

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: GUEST,Don McBride
Date: 13 Apr 11 - 02:09 PM

Youse people ougtta show a little respect, eh? You might be in jail sometime too, ya never know. I got a message out fer the little brother in the Last Beer thread. Check it out and you will see that Shane is not layin' down and givin' up yet.

- Don

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: Rapparee
Date: 13 Apr 11 - 06:17 PM

Shooting? Beheading? Poison gas? Electrocution? Drawing and quartering? Boiling? Burning alive? Peine forte et dure? Sawing in half? Throwing to the lions? Lethal injection? Radiation overdose? Carcinogens? Hardened arteries? Cirrhosis? Throwing him from a high place? Staked out on an ant hill? Old age?

There has to be SOME legal way....

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: frogprince
Date: 13 Apr 11 - 09:18 PM

Now, now, Rap; if you had a mangy, flea bitten dog, with horrible breath, and it kept humping your leg, and you couldn't get it pried off 'til it got your pants all messy, you might take it out and shoot it, but you know that, being a decent person, you wouldn't torture it to death. Surely Shane isn't that much worse than that.

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: Bob the Postman
Date: 13 Apr 11 - 09:40 PM

We have yet to hear again from Rev. Blunder. I'm getting a bit worried about him. Is he okay? Is he out on the hustings? I hope he checks in soon. I need to know his address so I can send him some money.

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: Sandy Mc Lean
Date: 13 Apr 11 - 09:59 PM

Sure Shane is in the crowbar hotel because he got caught but how many of you have done the same stupid things and have gotten away with it, under the influence of a drop or two? Is a love for Canadian beer a crime? Only if he was desperate and badly hungover would Shane bring his his lips to a bottle of Bud Light (unless it was free) so accept him as a man of principle even if his values differ from yours! Can people not be free enough in their thinking to accept that this was all intended as a joke? What have we become to be?

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: GUEST,Joseph Blunder
Date: 13 Apr 11 - 11:47 PM

Did someone mention money? Your dollars can do far more good if they are spent in the service of the Lord, and not on loose women, liquor, intoxicating drugs, empty entertainment, and other vile snares of Satan! If you send them to me, Joseph Blunder, Box 999, Massey, Ontario, I promise that every penny will go to do God's work!

Don't hesitate! Send all you can! Give as Jesus gave, withholding nothing! Remember, "you can't take it with you".

Meanwhile the struggle proceeds apace. All the demons of hell are opposing me in my crusade to rescue this unfortunate, deranged youth from his fallen state. Today he attempted to shake my faith by challenging Holy Writ and by bringing up vile and utterly false tales that have been spread about me by my political enemies and those in the service of the dark forces...

I was in no wit dismayed. I sprinkled holy water upon him through the bars which caused him to recoil in horror and call me unspeakable names. I grow more and more convinced that this is a case of full-blown possession by none other than the ArchFiend Himself, Beelzebub!!! He has taken over this misguided youth and is using him to undo God's work! But he shall not succeed! I have a plan.

As it is a secret plan, I can say no more.

Pray for Shane!

- Joseph Blunder, CHP of Canada

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: gnu
Date: 14 Apr 11 - 05:08 AM

"I sprinkled holy water upon him through the bars which caused him to recoil in horror and call me unspeakable names."

Was is still hot from boiling the hell out of it?

"CHP"

Chief Holy Person?

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: GUEST,Don McBride
Date: 14 Apr 11 - 01:44 PM

I been keepin' in touch with Shane. He is gettin' majerly pissed off at the fliphead Blunder. The boy is about to bust a blood vessel. Somethin' has gotta be done, and I guess that I will hafta do it. Blunder must be flippin' stopped!

I tole Shane he could just get rid of Bludner by pretendin' to convert and sayin' he loves Jesus, but he won't do it. He is too proud. I understand how he feels. I wouldn't flippin' do it neither. There are times when a McBride has gotta stand up and show the world what he is flippin' MADE of and not give a flippin' INCH!

- Don

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: Amos
Date: 14 Apr 11 - 02:55 PM

LOL! Que c'est drole, cette histoire!


A

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: gnu
Date: 14 Apr 11 - 03:03 PM

When do they haybe his corpses?

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: Bob the Postman
Date: 14 Apr 11 - 03:04 PM

Thank the Deity that Rev. Blunder is alive and well. My cheque is in the mail. (I believe that "CHP" stands for "Candidate for the House of Parliament". I'm sure that all Mudcatters join with me in wishing him every success in the upcoming election.)

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: GUEST,Rev. Jimmy Lee Staggers
Date: 14 Apr 11 - 05:02 PM

Bless you, Mr. Blunder, for the good work you are doing! Keep it up and your reward will be richer for it. I have added you to the prayer circles of one hundred and seventy churches throughout the United States and Canada. If there is any spiritual assistance we can give please let me know.

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: GUEST,Joseph Blunder
Date: 14 Apr 11 - 09:35 PM

Thank you, Jimmy Lee! That means a lot to me. I do need your prayers and those of your people, because the legions of Satan appear to be gathering against me.

I arrived home tonight and I got 4 flat tires when I pulled into my own driveway! It turns out that some miscreant put a device across the driveway with many sharp points on it and it pierced all 4 tires as I drove across it.

I then found that one of my windows was broken. I feared that the house had been broken into, but this was not the case. When I tried to get inside, my hand got stuck to the front doorknob! Someone had apparently smeared fast-acting crazy glue all over it. The police say it must have been done just before I arrived home, because otherwise the glue would already have hardened. Whoever did it must have been watching from the bushes! Eventually I managed to painfully pry my fingers from the doorknob and I got in. Inside my living room I found a brick amongst the shards of glass from the broken window. Tied to the brick was a crudely written note that read: "LAY OFF SHANE McBRIDE OR YOU WILL BE SORRY!!! THIS IS NOT A FLIPPIN' JOKE!"

I have called the police, needless to say, and they are intent on catching the perpetrators whose immortal souls I will pray for this very night in the spirit of forgiveness. And tomorrow I will purchase or rent a guard dog, preferably a large and fierce Doberman.

- Joseph Blunder

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: Rapparee
Date: 14 Apr 11 - 09:41 PM

Hey, Joe. Obviously that stuff was done by one of Shame's friends, only he doesn't have any.

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: Rapparee
Date: 15 Apr 11 - 10:59 AM

I'm starting the International Agency To Declare Shame McBride A Crime Against Humanity And Execute Him Like They Did At Nuremberg To Those Nazis (IATDSMACAHAEHLTDANTTN, pronounced just the way it's spelled). All contributions are gratefully accepted.

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: Bob the Postman
Date: 15 Apr 11 - 11:49 AM

Brother Rapparee, I'm sure that Rev. Blunder would join his mighty voice with mine in urging you to open your heart to Brother McBride and, if you can't find it within yourself to turn the other cheek to him (for, verily, he hath smitten you, as he hath smitten all of society with his heedless ways), at least acknowlege that you and he are both alike condemned sinners who absent the Saving Grace will surely burn in hell for all eternity.

After all, who among us has not staggered out of the beer parlour at one in the morning and, having stolen someone's F150, careened down some northern Ontario highway in search of an attractive barnyard animal with which to copulate, only to wind up in the hoosegow after violently assaulting the paramedics who were attempting to administer aid following the unfortunate incident with the plate glass window of the Royal Bank of Canada on Main Street.

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: gnu
Date: 15 Apr 11 - 01:03 PM

Bob... Dale here. It was the CIBC and it was MY truck and I backed into it and I apologized... to God as I was drivin away. It was an accident, really and for truly, honest.

I hate that fuckin bank. Soon as Johnny's insurace claim comes in I am gonna borrow the money to pay off the truck and then it's fuck them eh.

Guess I'd better vamoose on accounta gnu will be back from tirin out his mum at the grocery stores soon and he's outta beer. Ten pounds a moose burger otta cover the beer eh?

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: GUEST,Don McBride
Date: 15 Apr 11 - 02:09 PM

I had a visit here from the OPP, eh? Officer Dana and Officer Walsh. They seem to think I mighta had somethin' to do with some stuff that happened over at Joe Blunder's place last night.

Imagine that.

Well, I told 'em I was with my buddies...Lannie and Doug and Grunt (that is a nickname...his real name is Alisdair, but he don't like people to use it, eh?). Anyways, we was together all night over to Lannie's place drinkin' beer and watchin' TV. That is what I tole the cops. And of course it is true. No word of a lie, eh?

They was skepticle, eh? They went on and on beatin' the dead horse around for, like, 2 flippin' hours, and I just kept tellin' 'em the same thing. So finally they went away, but they say they will probally be back to talk to me again after they check things out with the other guys.

Gosh, what a shame that someone messed up Blunder's place and give him 4 flat tires and a busted window! What kind of person would do that? It makes ya wonder, don't it? The trick with the crazy glue was pretty mean too. Musta been some crazy crack addicts, that's what I figger. Or maybe it was the Cathlics, cos they don't like Bludner's church much. It could be a relijius war that is gettin' started here. I hope not. Them relijius wars can go on just about forever and can tear a flippin' commyunity apart. So I sure hope it is not that.

- Don

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: gnu
Date: 15 Apr 11 - 02:20 PM

Twarnt no Catlics. If Catlics come a callin they ain't usin no crazy glue and only after tires. They come in the knights eh. Musta been some amateur. An that won't scare the rev on accounta them kinda preachers is just screachers what are so full a holy they think they are bullet proof with Himself on their side.

I gotta hit the powerhouse and get some beers to go along with the BBQd mooooze burgers. I coulda swore I had lots a beer. Dale musta took some with on accounta if he drank the fridge dry he'd still be here. Later dudes and dudettes.

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: gnu
Date: 15 Apr 11 - 03:52 PM

Talk about luck eh? I was almost up ta the powerhouse an I see the red and blues a flashin. I thought I'd hafta duck up a side street but then I seen the yella stripes got a truck pulled over so I went by slow an it was Dale's truck. He saw me an started pointin at me but the traffic was so backed up I knew the Mounted couldn't get mounted so I just tooled on up ta the powerhouse, got me beer an picked me way home on the back streets.

When I got home there was a message flashin on tha answerin machine and I checked the number on the display an it was Dale. I figger he's in shit with the Royally Mounted.

I gotta go start the BBQ. Might call him later.

I wonder how much The Rev charges for bighouse calls. Maybe there's a franchise opportunity in this on accounta there are a lotta rednecks round here just like in Uppity Canada with tha likes a Shane.

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: GUEST,Don McBride
Date: 15 Apr 11 - 05:24 PM

The cops been talkin' to Doug and Lannie. Alls they got was our story which is as flippin' air tight as a 30 year old virgin. They could not find Grunt. He must of gone fishin'.

I expeckt I will be seein' Officer Dana again soon, which is okay. I like givin' her the eye, cos it pisses her off when I do that. The only trouble with her is she thinks that uniform makes her like the third flippin' rail on the 'lectric train. Untouchable. Shane has had the hots for her for like forever...but there ain't no point. He might as well dream about flyin' to the moon. Same flippin' chance of success, eh?

I guess maybe Shane got a break today, cos I can't see how Blunder is gonna drive to the lockup when he's got 4 flat tires! ;-)

- Don

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: Rapparee
Date: 15 Apr 11 - 09:20 PM

I'm sure he can get a ride from one of his followers. Maybe Shame had TWO people prayin' at him today. Maybe there'll be three tomorrow.

And remember, Easter is coming. That's always good for holy rollin'. Wow...maybe they'll crucify Shame on Friday!

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: gnu
Date: 16 Apr 11 - 05:50 AM

Great Friday?

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: gnu
Date: 16 Apr 11 - 02:50 PM

If he's still in gaol tomorrow it'll defintely be Palm Sunday for him.

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: Rapparee
Date: 16 Apr 11 - 06:05 PM

I wonder if he still likes girls?

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: gnu
Date: 16 Apr 11 - 07:49 PM

Of course he still likes girls. Just ain't gonna be any tail for him in gaol. Gonna be on palm pilot for a while.

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: GUEST,Rev. Jimmy Lee Staggers
Date: 17 Apr 11 - 09:13 AM

It is the week Our Lord suffered at the hands of the Jews and the Romans. Let this Shane McBride suffer, so that he will turn to the Lord with a humble and contrite heart, knowing in some small way what the Lord suffered for the salvation of swinish sinners like Shane McBride.

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: Little Hawk
Date: 17 Apr 11 - 11:42 AM

There's an inspiring thought. ;-) Yes, let's hope that his incredible suffering causes him to gnash his teeth, tear at his hair, etc. Anyone got sackcloth and ashes to send to Shane?

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: GUEST,Rapparee
Date: 17 Apr 11 - 05:56 PM

I'm sure I can dig up some ashes somewhere. They'll probably even still be hot. Give him a taste of what he's in for, eh?

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: Rapparee
Date: 18 Apr 11 - 10:53 AM

The "The Salvation of Shane McBride" anything like "The Cremation of Sam Magee"?

There are strange things done in the Midnight Sun
By the men who drink cheap beer
And the Arctic trails have their secret tails
That would cause a monk to leer.
The Northern Lights have seen strange sights
But they laughed until they cried
That day in the hole of the Blind River gaol
When they salvated Shame McBride....

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: Little Hawk
Date: 18 Apr 11 - 02:51 PM

Good start! Let's have some more verses. ;-) Amos?

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: gnu
Date: 18 Apr 11 - 03:05 PM

You should write some LH... you know Shane better than anyone else.

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: Rapparee
Date: 19 Apr 11 - 10:32 AM

Now Shame McBride lived at Horton's place
Where the service's bad and slow
Why he left his home bar stool to roam
'Round a bank, God only knows!
He was likely drunk and smelled like a skunk
That had lain dead in the road a bit
Tho' he'd often say, in his homely way,
That he'd sooner "smell like s**t."

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: Amos
Date: 19 Apr 11 - 10:43 AM

The Blind River dump has it share of chumps
And nerdly, low-life dorks
Men who dress like bums and use their thumbs
As a sort of back-door cork.
They are known as the worst of the Canuck kind,
The dregs of the Great Outside.
But the worst of the scum, with the longest thumb
Was that wanker, Shane McBride.

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: Little Hawk
Date: 19 Apr 11 - 01:56 PM

Brilliant!!! ;-) Amos, you have risen once again to the apogee of the craft. Good stuff from Monsieur Rapparee as well! Ah, yes, "The Salvation of Shane McBride" promises to be a true epic. Gentlemen, you may yet win the Order of Canada if you can stretch this out to 15 or 20 verses.

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: gnu
Date: 19 Apr 11 - 03:36 PM

The Order of Canada... a large double-double and a box a bits? That's what Jesus would order up ta Hortons eh. Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah.

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: josepp
Date: 19 Apr 11 - 06:02 PM

///He followed that with some filthy song about a young women, the words of which are so dreadful and obscene that I dare not repeat them////

Aw, come on!

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: Little Hawk
Date: 19 Apr 11 - 07:04 PM

My guess is that you have already heard that song many times in your youth, Josepp. Just think back to your junior high school days...

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: Amos
Date: 19 Apr 11 - 07:18 PM

When the williwaw blows the river down
And the land is white and frozen
This fool at Horton's will be found
Bumming smokes, and dozin'

No industry in his feeble brain,
Nor virtue in his heart,
His sullen mind knows only beer,
And food, and sex, and farts.

His fingers stained with nicotine
Show nary a worker's callous
And the only work he puts them to
Is a gesture like a phallus.

He does not speak except to sneer,
Nor think except to mutter;
His life belongs nowhere but here,
Blind River's foulest gutter.

Say then a prayer for Shane McBride
And dance a blessing-dance,
For his mind will never change as long
As he keeps it in his pants.

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: Little Hawk
Date: 19 Apr 11 - 07:43 PM

Whoo-eee!!! Your knowledge of the inner workings of Shane's consciousness (such as it is) is acute, Amos. It's true that his mind is in his pants. And in his stomach. And in the pants of any nearby female. That's a lot for a mind as tiny as Shane's to grapple with all at the same time! No wonder he gets fatigued sometimes and falls into unfortunate lapses of good judgement, such as robbing a bank as an April Fools joke.

The cops are running a pool on whether Shane or the preacher will give out first. Odds are five to one that Shane will outlast the preacher. After all, Blunder has a hopeless election campaign that he must attend to losing while Shane has 3 free meals a day and all the time in the world. Execution by being tossed into a beaver pit has long been discontinued in the Frozen North.

But...some fear that it might be re-instated if Stephen Harper (our Conservative P.M.) wins a majority this time! THEN Shane will know the meaning of fear!!! Harper wants to turn Canada into Texas North.

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: gnu
Date: 19 Apr 11 - 07:52 PM

Stephen Harper minds me of an evil beaver with that smirking smile... his teeth showing just how much he will gnaw at the butt of Canada and fell it for corporations to feast on the branches and strip the forest bare.

Dam Stevie 1. I certainly hope his house gets dynamited in the election.

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: Little Hawk
Date: 19 Apr 11 - 09:12 PM

Me too.

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: Rapparee
Date: 19 Apr 11 - 09:21 PM

I remember that night by the single light
With the guards gathered 'round in a ring
Training with batons on Shame's foul bottom
As outside a buzzard sing.
He says to me, "Well, Rap," says he,
"I forgot what I was going to say,"
But if I do I hope that you
Will not forget someday."

Well he was the lowest of the low
And I couldn't say "No"
And neither could I say "Yes"
So I did my part
With an answering fart
Which relieved my great distress.

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: GUEST,Blind DRunk in Blind River
Date: 20 Apr 11 - 05:57 PM

That is the stoopidest flippin' pome I ever seen in my life. You are a flippin' idiot Rapparee. That's right...a idiot! You hearn it right hear and strait from the hoarses mouth.

I been moved to a nuther fasilitee, eh? They desided that their was no flippin' need to keep me in the hole I was in. They said I was not smart enuff to be dnagerous so it was okay to move me and I am in a low securyity place that has a liberry fer the prisners and I can go thair at least ones a day. But I cannot get to no dirty videos or nothin' cos the compyuters won't 'low it! What a flippin' waste of good compyutin' harweware! Anyways, I am here at last to tell you that you are a flippin' waste of space and lower than a snake's ass!

Good news! The fliphead Blunder ain't got permishun yet to visit me in the new lockup. A day withuot Blunder is like a day without crabs, know'm sayin'? That guy is worser than a flippin' toothacke. I hope he gets runned over by a flippin' truck while he is out kampainin'.

Officer Dana says that the cops who bet on me have won the pool cos I lasted until the move. They are selebratin'. That is my job, man. I make cops happy and I give 'em stuff to look forwerd to, eh? What a sorry flippin' fate! But it is better than havin' to be a biscycle seat on the Boston men's psyckle team anyways, so I ain't complainin'.

- Shane

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: Rapparee
Date: 20 Apr 11 - 10:11 PM

Shame, being called an "idiot" by you is like being called a "poet" by William Topaz McGonagall. In both cases it becomes a compliment because neither knows what their talking about. I'm sorry I disappoint you with my poetry because now I have to have you killed, and that always distresses me. Here's a picture of the guy who will do the "wet work" -- he was, of course, on another job when the picture was made. Don't worry though...you won't see him, but you will know it as your life slowly and painfully drains away.

Perhaps you should have listened to Mr. Blunder after all....hahahahaha!

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: Rapparee
Date: 21 Apr 11 - 10:35 AM

You know, Shame, I don't think I will have you killed after all. Instead, I'll tell Don about you stealing his beer, rent money, and dope as well as hittin' on his girlfriends. Then I'll tell Officer Dana about that...well, you know what. That thing in Sudbury with the Piglet and Winnie-the-Pooh dolls and the raw clams. You remember, I'm sure. I'm not sure even God can forgive that one.

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: gnu
Date: 21 Apr 11 - 01:09 PM

Clams? Not oysters? THAT is fuckin sick man!

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: Rapparee
Date: 21 Apr 11 - 02:47 PM

Gnu, we ARE talking about Shame McBride here you know. There is no depravity to which he would not stoop, no filth and slime in which he would not roll like a hound in a week-old gut pile. It has been verified that the stink of his breath knocks unconscious buzzards on a night soil wagon and his shoes and socks run away and cringe lest they be put on his feet. His skin is so foul and cratered that his pictures are often mistaken as lunar terrain and light shines from one earhole to the other (when the dirt allows it). He's been banned from swimming the Blind River sewage lagoons because he pollutes the water, and because of him alone every day in Blind River is an air pollution alert day. Where he walks grass never again grows, but foot fungus becomes rampant. What he does in private is actually of no concern of mine, but that thing with Pooh, Piglet and the clams went beyond all previous measures of indecency and sank him to a low not even achieved by Pope Alexander VI or Caligula.

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: gnu
Date: 21 Apr 11 - 02:51 PM

Gee... Big Hat Al and Cal were bad dudes. Shane must be a real reproBATER!

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: Rapparee
Date: 21 Apr 11 - 03:28 PM

He's a master at it.

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: Amos
Date: 21 Apr 11 - 04:41 PM

Now there's many a misguided Canuck lad
Has spent a night in a jail,
WHen he's guzzled down too much Beaver Beer,
Intent on chasing tail.

But boys are boys, as the saying goes,
And mostly, they grow upper.
They learn what's their and what is not,
And to wash their mitts for supper.

But Shane was not the learning kind
Growing up was not his way,
And when he did time, for his petty crimes,
Unrepentant he did stay.

He retained his sneer, and his crude veneer
Of long-haired, foolish punk,
And the judge grew tired of seeing him
And his dumb rebellious junk.

So the judge decided he's had enough
And he looked at the punk with a frown.
"Six months at hard in the breaker's yard!"
And he brought that hammer down.

So Shane's gone down; and the girls in town
Don't miss him at all, as yet.
They're glad to be shut of his groping hands
ANd a leer they can't forget.

And his friends don't notice he's not around
(Except them he owes money to);
And the town seems just a tad better off
With Shane McBride in stew.

And if the day comes when the boy gets out,
And shows up once more, why, then
Most likely they town will break out in signs
That say "Send him back again!"

Oh, you can talk of your rough-cut breed
And of punks with their hair cut wide
But there's no dumb fuck half as out of luck
As that asshole, Shane McBride.

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: GUEST,Don McBride
Date: 21 Apr 11 - 07:07 PM

Holy FLIP, Amos!!! That is FLIPPIN' GOOD, man! ROTFLMAO!!!!!!! Jeezus, you got a gift with words. I am gonna get a printout of that and put it up at the Iron Horse and over to Tim Hortons and maybe in the Post Office too. Har! Har! Har! Oh, man, I am dyin' here! And so is the girlfreind.

Word is that Shane will be in the joint fer a fair whiles this time, but they flippin' moved him to the low security pen. That's good. They say they are gonna give him vohcational trainin' so's he can learnd a trade! These people are Opotmeritists, eh? I wish them LUCK!!! Har! Har! Har! The only flippin' trade Shane is innerested in is to be a marrywana grow-op manager...or maybe a porn actor.

The money I collected to get Shane out ain't near enuff so we are gonna use it instead to have a party in his honer and at least recoup some of the hundreds of beer and smokes he stole and bummed offa me and everyone we know in the last year or 2.

I am not worried about the boy now. Jail is like a second home to him, eh? He will do good there.

- Don

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: Ed T
Date: 21 Apr 11 - 08:21 PM

""What's for eats?""

""A two day old coyote.""

""Yuk, you have anything better than that?""

""It's better than a three day old coyote.""

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: GUEST,Rev. Jimmy Lee Staggers
Date: 21 Apr 11 - 08:45 PM

I am certain that all of us, especially Mr. Blunder, are greatly saddened by the move of Shane McBride from the Blind River gaol. I have been in contact with Mr. Blunder and we will, together, see if we can persuade the authorities to allow our evangelisation to continue. The McBride boy can still be Brought Home, for no matter what Mr. Rapparee thinks there are no unforgivable sins -- God has room for all.

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: Rapparee
Date: 21 Apr 11 - 11:26 PM

Rev, believe me: what Shame McBride did might perhaps maybe be forgiven by a Very Merciful God after a very, very long penance which included self-flagellation, a life of groveling poverty and extreme chastity, of living in the desert alone and sleeping on a bed of thorns while living only on what dead animals and the foulest water he could find. His...crime against Heaven and Nature...cries out from the Earth for vengeance and atonement. I can't even describe it, it haunts the lives and dreams of the few who are strong enough to carry the knowledge of it. If you knew what he has done -- worse than raping the Holy Virgin Mary! -- you too would agree that his salvation is highly improbable.

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: GUEST,Blind DRunk in Blind River
Date: 22 Apr 11 - 01:01 PM

My salivation ain't none of yer business, fliphead!

I see I been betraiyed! My own flippin' blood has flippin' turned agenst me cos Don is usin' my bale money to, like, have a PARTY!!! And he is laffin' at that insult pome that the fliphead Amos rote about me! He is puttin' coppies of it up arownd the town too, eh? That is the worst flippin' cut of ALL! I am gonna kill him when I get outta here.

There will be blood!

- Shane

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: Rapparee
Date: 22 Apr 11 - 11:26 PM

Uh-oh. That's both assault and a threat to murder someone! The last one is a felony!

Boy, is Shame gonna be in the cooler for a loooooooooooooooooong time now!

Just forget about girls, because when YOU get out a) you won't like them anymore and b) you'll be too old to do anything about even if you did.

Better make nice to some of the guys you're in there with....

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: GUEST,Don McBride
Date: 23 Apr 11 - 08:06 AM

Not to worry, eh? The boy don't mean half of what he says. Anyways, he is probally best off in the joint fer awhile, cos now he will eat 3 meals a day proper and get more helthy, eh?

In the meantime it is amazin' how much longer a 2-4 of beer is lastin' here! Flippin' amazin'. How about that, eh? And I seem to be buyin' less smokes too. The people at Timmies are gettin' used to the fact that Shane ain't arowned now. They were askin' where he was fer awhile when I pull in for coffee and a donut, but not now.

I put up that pome Amos wrote at the Iron Horse and people were fallin' on the floor laffin' over it. It is on the Wall of Fame over by the bar and I put a picther of Shane up above it wearin' his "I'm with the IDIOT ------->" hat and the T-shirt that says "FREE SEX - Apply Below" with a arrow pointin' down at his crotch.

What I am thinkin' to do now is raise money to KEEP him in jail! Killer idea, eh? I figger people will contribute big bucks to that flippin' cawse and I can maybe retire on it soon.

- Don

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: Rapparee
Date: 23 Apr 11 - 06:56 PM

He got them arrows mixed up again, didn't he?

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: GUEST,Don McBride
Date: 23 Apr 11 - 07:39 PM

Let's get straight to the point, man. How much money are you willin' to send to help keep my little brother in jail? Remember, you will be helpin' to clean up society by doin' this. Give generusly!

- Don

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: gnu
Date: 23 Apr 11 - 07:50 PM

I'm tapped out. I gave all of my pocket change to the Sea Cadets today at the liquor store.

Odd... the young lass said, "Thank you" and I said, "Thank YOU." I was met with odd stares from the cadets and their parents??? Was it not obvious what I was "saying"?

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: Rapparee
Date: 23 Apr 11 - 10:42 PM

I have already sent all of my money to the Rev. Jimmy Lee Staggers in the probably futile hope that he can arrange for the salivation of Shame McBride.

There's a fund set up for that purpose.

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: GUEST,Don McBride
Date: 23 Apr 11 - 11:11 PM

You have got to be kiddin' me! What a flippin' waste! He will just spend all the money on whores and hard liquor. I know what them holy rollers are really like.

- Don

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: Rapparee
Date: 24 Apr 11 - 10:51 PM

Some of them spend it on young men and dope....

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: Rapparee
Date: 25 Apr 11 - 07:17 PM

Do you think Shame is getting enough to eat, or is this thread going to change to "The Starvation of Shame McBride"?

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: Little Hawk
Date: 26 Apr 11 - 12:24 AM

I think the food in the Sudbury Jail is adequate...if a bit uninspiring.

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: GUEST,Rev. Jimmy Lee Staggers
Date: 26 Apr 11 - 03:57 PM

I shall be leading a Salvation March to the Sudbury gaol this Saturday evening. We shall kneel outside and pray for all prisoners there, especially Shane McBride. We shall continue this until dawn on Monday, hoping that Salvation will come with the New Dawn for all imprisoned there. All who are saved are invited, and those who have not yet recognized Their Saviour may wish to also attend.

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: gnu
Date: 26 Apr 11 - 04:00 PM

Can I bring my shinpads even if they have a Habs logo?

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: Little Hawk
Date: 26 Apr 11 - 04:47 PM

An occasion NOT to be missed!!! This ranks right up there with the Royal Wedding!

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: gnu
Date: 26 Apr 11 - 04:59 PM

Of course, I really wouldn't give a nickel to be in Sudbury.

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: Little Hawk
Date: 26 Apr 11 - 05:04 PM

I can think of one or two places I'd rather be....

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: gnu
Date: 26 Apr 11 - 05:10 PM

Big nickel.

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: frogprince
Date: 26 Apr 11 - 11:11 PM

Woweeee! (Is there any actual evidence that anyone has ever gone out of there way by 20 feet to see that?)

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: Little Hawk
Date: 27 Apr 11 - 01:20 AM

I sure don't know anyone who has.

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: Bob the Postman
Date: 13 Jul 11 - 10:05 PM

In his post of 13 Apr 11 11:47 PM, Reverend Blunder ask us to aid his ministry by sending financial contributions to a post office box in Massey, Ontario. Accordingly, I wrote out a cheque and sent it along with a covering letter. I was hoping to receive a vial of sacred annointing oil or perhaps a sanctified prayer cloth by way of acknowledgment and over the long months of waiting I have continued to invoke the blessing of the almighty on Rev. Blunder and his works. But today, sadly, my letter to him was returned, marked "Unknown". The envelope, which had been resealed with scotch tape, contained the cover letter BUT NOT THE CHEQUE.

I can only hope that divine providence will move in mysterious ways to deliver the funds to Reverend Blunder, since Canada Post has once more proved itself a witting tool of Moloch the Destroyer of Souls, and, believe me, I should know.

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: Little Hawk
Date: 13 Jul 11 - 10:38 PM

That's for damn sure. A whole bunch of payments from the USA have failed to arrive here, again courtesy of Canada Post.

As for Shane, he's back out of jail. Reverend Blunder's program failed to have any salutary effect on him. He remains unconverted, unrepentant, and damned. Don's beer continues to vanish as fast as it is replaced.

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: Amos
Date: 13 Jul 11 - 11:00 PM

Sigh., Just such unwholesome figments, Little Hawk!! Really!!

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: Rapparee
Date: 13 Jul 11 - 11:28 PM

I understand from certain friends of mine Up North that he picked up a case of...ah..."social disease" while in durance vile.

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: Sandy Mc Lean
Date: 13 Jul 11 - 11:46 PM

.................and that ain't nothing to "clap" about either! Poor Shane!

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: Gurney
Date: 14 Jul 11 - 03:43 AM

You lot obviously missed the fact that Shane is in good spirits and has contributed to the car visibility thread.

Unless that was Max's hacker?

Naah. That spelling was pure McBride.

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: Little Hawk
Date: 14 Jul 11 - 09:24 AM

Shane is indeed back "on the street" and hale and happy as I type these words. He is drinking Don's beer, harassing local girls, bumming cigarettes, offending without knowing, and just being Shane...the one thing he really knows how to do. His erstwhile compadres, the Ontario Provincial Police, are eyeing his activities with amused detachment and a degree of tolerance. They know that he is essentially harmless. They will slap his wrist if they must, but only if it's absolutely necessary. After all, there are more serious threats to society than Shane out there to deal with, right?

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: Rapparee
Date: 14 Jul 11 - 10:23 AM

The rot starts at the bottom. If something isn't done soon, I greatly fear that Shame McBride will go on a beer-swilling chain-saw massacre, dismembering ten, if not hundreds, of his fellow Blind River dwellers before he is shot down in a hail of bullets by the OPP, deluding at first by thinking it was just another of his "harmless" pranks.

Then everyone will say, "He was a good guy, just misunderstood" and "If he'd only drunk Blue this wouldn't have happened" and similar nonsense.

I say, take him out NOW before the worst happens! Pre-emptive imprisonment, in life-time solitary, is the only answer to such a societal threat as Shame McBride.

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: Little Hawk
Date: 14 Jul 11 - 03:23 PM

He does drink Blue whenever he can get it, and it seems to make little difference. He has also drunk himself blue on a number of occasions, but he always recovers within 24 hours.

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: GUEST,Blind DRunk in Blind River
Date: 14 Jul 11 - 03:39 PM

This town don't tollarate flipheads like you, Rapairee. You are like a dead dog layin' in the street...nobody flippin' wants to touch it! I am advisin' you to flippin' lay off with all theese bad flippin' commints that are bein' direcked towards me! It ain't yer flippin' place to judge ME, eh? You aint' got the flippin' kredenchails to do that. You count fer nothin' around here whiles I am a big wheel in this town, so FLIP OFF!!!

- Shane

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: Rapparee
Date: 14 Jul 11 - 04:41 PM

Yes indeed, a Big Wheel: going in a circle from Tim's to begging butts to stealing Don's beer to begging butts to urinating in public to jail to Tim's.... You should come visit sometime and I'll let you be a Big Wheel at Legion Hovel; Snaggle likes Big Wheels because he likes to "make their bones square hyuck hyuck".

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: gnu
Date: 14 Jul 11 - 04:43 PM

Youse know what dogs do to big wheels eh?

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: GUEST,Blind DRunk in Blind River
Date: 14 Jul 11 - 04:51 PM

Don't flippin' test me, man!

- Shane

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: Rapparee
Date: 14 Jul 11 - 07:17 PM

It's okay, Shame. You haven't passed any test except the one for having VD and you certainly won't start now.

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: Amos
Date: 14 Jul 11 - 07:18 PM

A Big Wheel, where I come from, a-hole, is a cheap blow-molded plastic imitation tricycle meant for small brats and chimpanzees to pee on. Sounds a lot like you.

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: Rapparee
Date: 14 Jul 11 - 10:42 PM

Besides, Shame might have had testers in the past, but he ain't got much in the way of testees.

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: GUEST,Don McBride
Date: 14 Jul 11 - 11:23 PM

This is pretty good! You are gettin' the boy so flippin' upset that he is chargin' arownd the place, rantin' and ravin', and forgettin' to steal my smokes and drink my beer, eh? Keep it up! (And if ya can't keep it up, I got some stuff here that will help, and I'm sellin' it cheap, eh?)

- Don