BS: First Joke Thread of 2012

Subject: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 01 Jan 12 - 11:44 AM

"Popular Karen"

My new girlfriend, Karen, got a job at a local
hardware store. "The owner doesn't want us
hanging out with our friends," she said. "If you
stop by, tell them you're my brother."

On my first visit I walked to the customer
service desk and asked the older woman
there, "Is Karen around?"

When she looked at me quizzically, I added,
"I'm her brother."

She smiled. "What a nice surprise. I'm Karen's
mother."


--------------

"Important Signature"

I was signing the receipt for my credit card
purchase when the clerk noticed that I had
never signed my name on the back of the
credit card. She informed me that she could
not complete the transaction unless the card
was signed.

When I asked why, she explained that it was
necessary to compare the signature on the
credit card with the signature I just signed on
the receipt.

So I signed the credit card in front of her. She
carefully compared that signature to the one
I signed on the receipt.

Luckily, they matched.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 02 Jan 12 - 12:19 AM

Reminded of this historical joke, which goes back to my WWii childhood, by recent rerun of episode of Foyle's War in which the Americans arrived in Hastings in 1942; & also by line quoted on current thread from some versions of Eskimo Nell. There was a range of wartime goods, govt-approved for their patriotic plain austere fitness-for-purpose, marked with a kitemark to signify 'Utility': whence ~~

Utility knickers: one Yank and they're down.

~Michael~

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 02 Jan 12 - 02:43 AM

And of course the 'Utitlity Bra' One yank and it was off...... There are a lot of other bras of course:-

The 'Glass' Bra:- Smash and Grab.
The 'Poor Skyscraper' Bra:- No lift and few stares.
The King Arthur Bra:- Good for one Knight only.
The Postponement Bra:- Off more than it's on!
The Humourous Bra:- Always raises a titter or two.
The Harvest Festival Bra:- All is safely gathered in.
The failed robbery bra:- Poor hold-up and slim pickings.
The lying sod bra:- Conveniently hides the truth.
The unfit bra:- Always looks out of shape.
The gullible victim bra:- Always being ripped off.
The 'Wonder' Bra:- Take it off and wonder where they
went.
The Poor Football Club Bra:- Only two cups and very little support. May be pointless!
The 'Sheepdog' Bra :- Rounds them up and points them in the right direction.
The Sunday Bra:- Much Holier than the others.
The Christmas Bra:- Something to get your Claus into.
The Secret Bra:- Keeps it close to your chest.
The Catholic Bra:- Supports the Masses.
The Presbyterian Bra:- keeps them staunch and upright.
The Baptist Bra:- Makes a mountain out of a molehill.
The Salvation Army Bra:- Lifts the fallen.

Happy New Year all, Best wishes, Mike.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: saulgoldie
Date: 02 Jan 12 - 08:27 AM

At the wedding:

The groom arrives at the altar with a big ole smile. The best man asks him why. He says, "I just had the best blow job of my life!"

The bride arrives at the altar with a similar smile. The lead bridesmaid asks her why. She says, "I just gave the last blow job of my life!"


Saul

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: GUEST,Uncle_DaveO
Date: 02 Jan 12 - 09:20 AM

"Change"

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's
take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.
She said, "You gave me too much money."

I said, "Yes I know, but this way you can just give
me a dollar bill back."

She sighed and went to get the manager who
asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he
handed me back the quarter, and said "We're sorry
but they could not do that kind of thing."

The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and
75 cents in change.

Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Bill D
Date: 02 Jan 12 - 11:13 AM

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC.
Nothing was moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped Congress, and they're asking for a $100
million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in
gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, collecting
donations."
"How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks.
The man replies, "Roughly a gallon ."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Bill D
Date: 02 Jan 12 - 11:18 AM

Conjoined twins walk into a pub in Toronto and park themselves on a bar stool. One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us, we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers please."

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday, lads?"

"Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year, hire a car, and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?" Jim agrees.

"Ah, England!" says the bartender. "Wonderful Country...the history, the beer, the culture..."

"Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John. "Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's us, eh, Jim? And we can't stand the English; they're so arrogant and rude, not civil and polite like us Canadians."

"So why keep going to England?" asks the bartender.

"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Bill D
Date: 02 Jan 12 - 11:34 AM

It is a slow day in the small Colorado town of Pump Handle and streets
are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody is
living on credit.

A tourist visiting the area drives through town, stops at the motel, and
lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms
upstairs to pick one for the night.

As soon as he walks upstairs, the motel owner grabs the bill and runs
next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to
the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill to his
supplier, the Co-op.

The guy at the Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local
prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her
"services" on credit.

The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel
owner.
The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the
traveler will not suspect anything. At that moment the traveler comes
down the stairs, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, picks up the
$100 bill and leaves.


No one produced anything. No one earned anything...
However, the whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the future
with a lot more optimism.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how a "stimulus package" works... or should work ... providing the money gets spent in our country!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Mrrzy
Date: 02 Jan 12 - 11:57 AM

...and on debts! $100 for new shoes for the hooker would have ruined everything...

Ok, not *quite* 2012...

When the End of the World Arrives, How Will the Media Report It?

USA Today: WE'RE DEAD

The Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS

National Enquirer: O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN

Playboy: GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE

Microsoft Systems Journal: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE

Victoria's Secret Catalog: OUR FINAL SALE

Sports Illustrated: GAME OVER

Wired: THE LAST NEW THING

Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR

Readers Digest: 'BYE

Discover Magazine: HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?

TV Guide: DEATH AND DAMNATION: NIELSON RATINGS SOAR!

Lady's Home Journal: LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGEMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW "ARMAGEDDON" DIET!

America Online: SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.

Inc. magazine: TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE

Microsoft's Web Site: IF YOU DIDN'T EXPERIENCE THE RAPTURE, DOWNLOAD SOFTWARE PATCH RAPT777.EXE.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 03 Jan 12 - 10:14 AM

"Not Home"

My husband is wonderful with our baby daughter,
but often turns to me for advice. Recently, I was
in the shower when he poked his head in to ask,
"What should I feed Lily for lunch?"

"That's up to you," I replied. "There's all kinds of
food. Why don't you pretend I'm not home?"

A few minutes later, my cell phone rang. I hopped
out of the shower to answer it and heard my husband
saying, "Yeah, hi, honey. Uh... what should I feed Lily
for lunch?"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: GUEST,Pseudolus at work
Date: 03 Jan 12 - 03:22 PM

OK, this isn't a joke per se but it really happened and it made me laugh....

The week before Christmas I was having trouble getting my 8 year old twin boys out of bed. So I announced, in as stern a voice as I could fake, "Everyone out of bed or I will let the beatings begin!" To which my son replied, "Seasons Beatings!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: The Walrus
Date: 04 Jan 12 - 08:06 AM

OLD MAN (to Doctor):"Doctor, I want you to lower my sex drive"
DOCTOR: "Mr. Jones, You're 87 - Your sex drive is all in your head"
OKD MAN: "I know... I want it lowered three feet"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 06 Jan 12 - 04:30 PM

Have you heard about the girl who was engaged to an Eskimo?





She broke it off.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 09 Jan 12 - 09:34 AM

"Quick Thinkers"

Al Capp, creator of the famous comic strip Lil
Abner, was one day invited to a university to
give a lecture to the students.

Before he could begin speaking to the large
group assembled in the auditorium, a very
unkempt-looking student at the back shouted
a vulgar word at him.

The word rung in everyone's ears.

There was a shocked silence but Capp, keeping
his composure, said: "Now that you've given us
your name, what's your question?"

--------

A professor was one day walking along a very
narrow street when he came face to face with
a rival.

The street was too narrow for two to pass.

The rival, pulling himself up to his full height, said
haughtily: "I never make way for fools!"

Smiling, the professor stepped aside and said:
"I always do."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 14 Jan 12 - 12:52 PM

"Tipping the Blackjack Dealer"

A blackjack dealer and a player with a thirteen
count in his hand were arguing about whether
or not it was appropriate to tip the dealer.

The player said, "When I get bad cards, it's not
the dealer's fault. Accordingly, when I get good
cards, the dealer obviously had nothing to do
with it so, why should I tip him?"

The dealer said, "When you eat out do you tip
the waiter?"

"Yes."

"Well then, he serves you food, I'm serving you
cards, so you should tip me."

"Okay, but, the waiter gives me what I ask for.
So I'll take an eight."


-----


"At the Department Store"

While at work one day at my department store
I was working hard stocking the shelves. During
this time a lady approached and said, "Excuse
me, sir, but do you work here?"

I replied "Yes", while thinking to myself, 'Nope, it's
just that everyone that works here wants to
dress like me.'"

The lady then told me that she saw an item she
wanted boxed on the shelf but it wasn't out on
display. Next she asked me if it would be to too
much trouble for me to open the box to let her look at
it. Now I'm thinking to myself again, 'You better
buy this, after putting me through all this trouble.'

After opening the box and examining the product
closely she smiled and thanked me for letting her see
the item. I then asked her if she wanted to buy
the item and she said,

"Yes, but do you have one that hasn't been
opened!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Spleen Cringe
Date: 14 Jan 12 - 05:35 PM

Apologies if you've had this one before... it's new to me.

I was walking through the cemetery the other day when I saw a man crouching behind a gravestone.

"Morning!" I said.

"No," he replied. "Just taking a shit."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 19 Jan 12 - 12:43 PM

"In a Hospital"

Two little kids are in a hospital lying on stretchers
next to each other outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in
here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils
out, and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry
about. I had that done when I was four. They put
you to sleep and when you wake up they give you
lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze!"

The second kid then asks, "What are you in for?"

The first kid says, "a circumcision."

The second kid says, "Whoa! I had that done
when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 22 Jan 12 - 08:52 AM

"Nursing Homes vs Jail"

Let's put the seniors in jail and the criminals in nursing
homes. This would correct a few things in one motion:

1) Seniors would have access to showers, hobbies and
walks.

2) They would receive unlimited free prescriptions,
dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs, etc.

3) They would receive money instead of having to pay
it out.

4) They would have constant video monitoring, so
they would be helped instantly if they fell or needed
assistance.

5) Bedding would be washed twice a week and all
clothing would be ironed and returned to them.

6) A guard would check on them every 20 minutes.

7) All meals and snacks would be brought to them.

8) They would have family visits in a suite built for
that purpose.

9) They would have access to a library, weight/fitness
room, spiritual counseling, a pool and education...
and free admission to in-house concerts by nationally
recognized entertainment artists.

10) Simple clothing - I.e., shoes, slippers, pjs - and
legal aid would be free, upon request.

11) There would be private, secure rooms provided
for all with an outdoor exercise yard complete with
gardens.

12) Each senior would have a P.C., T.V., phone and
radio in their room at no cost.

13) They would receive daily phone calls.

14) There would be a board of directors to hear any
complaints and the ACLU would fight for their rights
and protection.

15) The guards would have a code of conduct to be
strictly adhered to, with attorneys available, at no
charge to protect the seniors and their families from
abuse or neglect.


As for the criminals:

1) They would receive cold food.

2) They would be left alone and unsupervised.

3) They would receive showers once a week..

4) They would live in tiny rooms, for which they would
have to pay $5,000 per month.

5) They would have no hope of ever getting out.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 22 Jan 12 - 09:06 AM

Man phones model shop
Do you have a model of an Italin cruise liner available please?
Yes sir we have one left
Oh good, could you put it on one side for me please?

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: kendall
Date: 22 Jan 12 - 03:32 PM

A 300 pound Conservative left a posh restaurant where he had just stuffed himself. On the sidewalk' (Pavement to you Brits) he met a ragged, dirty, homeless man who said, "Sir, can you spare a dollar? I haven't eaten in a week." Lard ass replied,
"I wish I had your will power."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: GUEST,999
Date: 24 Jan 12 - 01:52 PM

Rec'd in email:

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music.

The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size.

This is considered a major social breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: GUEST,999
Date: 24 Jan 12 - 04:20 PM

Rec'd from a friend via e-mail.


My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian.

The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine.

The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover.

At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."

Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Bert
Date: 25 Jan 12 - 10:01 AM

The old ones are the best 999. Heard that one way back in the Sixties only it was a Chihuahua.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: GUEST,999
Date: 25 Jan 12 - 10:57 AM

Thanks, Bert. It was ringing a bell with me, but not too loud or clear. When I rec'd that I like-to-bust a gut laughing about it. I like the idea of numbering the jokes brought up earlier in the thread. Now, there's an opening for someone.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 26 Jan 12 - 08:22 AM

Three octogenarians on a bench in the park ... taciturn ... musing.
Suddenly the first opens up: "Xmas is wonderful." ... long pause ...
Suddenly the second remarks: "Cohabitation is wonderful, too."
... long pause ...
Suddenly the third adds his opinion: "But Xmas is more frequent!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 26 Jan 12 - 04:49 PM

"Season Tickets"

Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband
was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst
out laughing. "Listen to this," she said. "There's a
classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap
his wife for a season ticket to the stadium."

"Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his
magazine.

Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a
season ticket?"

"Absolutely not," he said.

"How sweet," Sarah said. "Tell me why not."

"Season's more than half over," he said.


------------------------


"Dating"

A father said, "Son, the object of dating is to SCORE!
And to do that, you have to give the woman
something. So when you pick up your date later,
make sure you have some flowers or chocolates
to give her. Girls go crazy over that stuff. The more
you give, the more you get!"

So, the son showed up for his date with flowers AND
chocolates. She was very flattered and pleased, and
she rewarded him with a long, passionate kiss. She
pressed her chest against him and rubbed her fingers
through his hair, hoping to give him the best kiss that
he had ever received.

After the kiss, he turned and bolted for the door.

"Oh! I am sorry," she said. "I didn't mean to scare you
away."

"You didn't!" he replied. "I am going out to get you
some jewelry!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Helen
Date: 27 Jan 12 - 02:22 PM

I was watching an Australian comedian called Adam Hills on tv the other night. I like this joke, which he said is his favourite joke:

Adam Hills - inflatable joke

There was an inflatable boy who went to an inflatable school, where all the teachers were inflatable, all the students were inflatable, all the buildings were inflatable. He gets into trouble for bringing a pin to school, and the headmaster says, "You've let me down, you've let yourself down, you've let the school down".

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: GUEST,999
Date: 27 Jan 12 - 03:59 PM

Women always say that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. Here is proof that they are wrong. A year or so after giving birth a woman will often say "It would be nice to have another kid". You never hear a guy say " I would like another kick in the nuts". Case closed.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Mike in Brunswick
Date: 28 Jan 12 - 12:16 AM

Guy walks into a bar carrying a box. Inside the box is a little man, about a foot long, playing a tiny piano. He puts the box on the bar and orders a beer. The bartender hears the music coming from the box and asks what's up. The guy says. "Well, I was walking along the beach when all of a sudden a genie pops up and grants me one wish. I was pretty surprised and I had to think fast, but I managed to come up with a wish. But just when I was telling him what it was, a big wave crashed against some nearby rocks. I guess I didn't speak loud enough or enunciate properly, because he misunderstood me. Anyway, hear I am, stuck with a twelve inch pianist."

Mike

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Dead Horse
Date: 28 Jan 12 - 09:08 AM

If we are recycling the old ones -

It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Center.
Claude the hypnotist explained: "I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations"

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch. .. ."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.

Hundreds of pairs eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, the chain broke, it slipped from Claud's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces. "SHIT!" he said.

It took three days to clean up the hall, and Claude was never invited back.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 30 Jan 12 - 03:17 PM

Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calendar?

They each got six months.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Michael
Date: 31 Jan 12 - 06:25 AM

AND:- I was going to tell you about the guy who stole my watch but I don't have the time right now.

Mike

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 31 Jan 12 - 11:32 AM

- "I hear, you're going to marry your late wife's sister?"
- "Indeed, I am."
- "And do you love her?"
- "Not really, but in my age it's so hard to get used to a new mother-in-law."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 31 Jan 12 - 12:12 PM

Did you sleep with my daughter last night, young man?

No sir, not a wink!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Andrez
Date: 04 Feb 12 - 05:32 AM

Texan in Australia.

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asked, "And what are those"?

The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?

Cheers,

Andrez

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Andrez
Date: 04 Feb 12 - 05:47 AM

Oh and one more for the road.

Why Did the Iraqi Chicken cross the Road?

Coalition Provisional Authority:

The fact that the Iraqi chicken crossed the road affirmatively demonstrates that decision-making authority has been transferred to the chicken well in advance of the scheduled June 30th transition of power. From now on the chicken is responsible for its own decisions.

Halliburton:

We were asked to help the chicken cross the road. Given the inherent risk of road crossing and the rarity of chickens, this operation will only cost the US government $326,004.

Muqtada al-Sadr:

The chicken was a tool of the evil Coalition and will be killed.

US Army Military Police:

We were directed to prepare the chicken to cross the road. As part of these preparations, individual soldiers ran over the chicken repeatedly and then plucked the chicken. We deeply regret the occurrence of any chicken rights violations.

Peshmerga:

The chicken crossed the road, and will continue to cross the road, to show its independence and to transport the weapons it needs to defend itself. However, in future, to avoid problems, the chicken will be called a duck, and will wear a plastic bill.

1st Cav:

The chicken was not authorized to cross the road without displaying two forms of picture identification. Thus, the chicken was appropriately
detained and searched in accordance with current SOP's. We apologize for any embarrassment to the chicken. As a result of this unfortunate incident, the command has instituted a gender sensitivity training program and all future chicken searches will be conducted by female soldiers.

Al Jazeera:

The chicken was forced to cross the road multiple times at gunpoint by a large group of occupation soldiers, according to eye-witnesses. The chicken was then fired upon intentionally, in yet another example of the abuse of innocent Iraqi chickens.

Blackwater:

We cannot confirm any involvement in the chicken-road-crossing incident.

Translators:

Chicken he cross street because bad she tangle regulation. Future chicken table against my request.

U.S. Marine Corps:

The chicken is dead

Cheers,

Andrez

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 04 Feb 12 - 12:55 PM

George W. Bush: Mission Accomplished.

[Frankly, I didn't find the previous joke very funny, but I find it interesting to know that people make up jokes like that. I'm guessing whoever wrote it has some insider's knowledge of the characteristics of the parties involved.]

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Midchuck
Date: 04 Feb 12 - 02:22 PM

So Feynman and Heisenberg decided to take a road trip together, with Feynman driving and Heisenberg in charge of the map. Every so often Feynman checks with Heisenberg for directions.

"Where are we?"

"Forty three miles out of Tuscon. Take a left at the next exit."

This sort of thing continues for a while, everything's going well, when suddenly Heisenberg points: "Look out! Cop car behind the billboard!"

Feynman glances at the speedometer. "Relax, I'm going 55 miles per hour."

"Oh, way to go, bonehead," says Heisenberg. "Now we're lost."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Andrez
Date: 04 Feb 12 - 10:17 PM

Balance on Earth

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for Six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet, replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance".

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth.

"For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot."

"Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people" God continued, pointing to different countries. "And over there, I call this place America.

North America will be rich and powerful and cold, while South America will be poor, and hot and friendly. And the little spot in the middle is Central America which is a Hot spot. Can you see the balance?"

"Yes" said the Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then he pointed to a smallish land mass and asked, "What's that one?"

"Ah" said God. "That's New Zealand, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, rainforests, rivers, streams and an exquisite coast line. The people are good looking, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super- human, undefeatable, strong in character citizens who will be admired and feared by all who come across them".

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then exclaimed, "You said there will be BALANCE!"

God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the buggers I'm putting next to 'em".

Cheers,

Andrez

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Andrez
Date: 05 Feb 12 - 06:34 AM

A Drovers Tale

Two Aussie cattle drovers standing in an Outback bar.

One asked, "What are you up to, Mate?"

Ahh, I'm takin' a mob of 6000 from Goondiwindi to Gympie."

"Oh yeah ... and what route are you takin'?"

"Ah, probably the Missus; after all, she stuck by me durin' the drought."


Cheers,

Andrez

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: GUEST,999
Date: 05 Feb 12 - 07:03 AM

Heisenberg is out for a drive when he's stopped by a traffic cop. The cop says 'Do you know how fast you were going?' Heisenberg says 'No, but I know where I am.'

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: frogprince
Date: 05 Feb 12 - 01:00 PM

Andrez, that last one may be a good'n, but some of us definitely need a translator. : )

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 05 Feb 12 - 01:11 PM

"In Australia. ..... Root (verb and noun) : synonym for f*ck in nearly all its senses: "I feel rooted"; ..." ~~

online Oz Slang Dictionary. Easy to google. So I take it that Andrez's joke paltered with the meanings/pronunciations of 'route/root'.

Right, Andrez? If so, then 'simples'.

If not, then I'll just shut up & off again down the garden to eat worms...

~M~

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: GUEST,spigot
Date: 05 Feb 12 - 02:11 PM

What's the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?

Well, everybody can mash potatoes ...

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Joe_F
Date: 05 Feb 12 - 06:12 PM

I think I'm coming down with something. I had a little trouble vomiting this morning.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Andrez
Date: 05 Feb 12 - 07:32 PM

You got it in one MtheGM! Perhaps this one will be a little less ambiguous.

Australian brain transplant joke.

An Englishman wanted to become an Irishman, so he visited a doctor to find out how to go about this. "Well" said the doctor, "this is a very delicate operation and there is a lot that can go wrong. I will have to remove half your brain". "That's OK" said the Englishman. "I've always wanted to be Irish and I'm prepared to take the risk".

The operation went ahead but the Englishman woke to find a look of horror on the face of the doctor. "I'm so terribly sorry!!" the doctor said. "Instead of removing half the brain, I've taken the whole brain out". The patient replied, "No worries, mate!!"

Cheers,

Andrez

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 07 Feb 12 - 10:17 AM

A liberal Muslim homosexual ACLU lawyer professor and abortion doctor was teaching a class on Karl Marx, known atheist.

"Before the class begins, you must get on your knees and worship Marx and accept that he was the most highly-evolved being the world has ever known, even greater than Jesus Christ!"

At this moment, a brave, patriotic, pro-life Navy SEAL champion who had served 1500 tours of duty and understood the necessity of war and fully supported all military decision made by the United States stood up and held up a rock.

"How old is this rock, pinhead?"

The arrogant professor smirked quite Jewishly and smugly replied: "4.6 billion years, you stupid Christian."

"Wrong. It's been 6,000 years since God created it. If it was 4.6 billion years old and evolution, as you say, is real, then it should be an animal now."

The professor was visibly shaken, and dropped his chalk and copy of The Origin of Species. He stormed out of the room crying those liberal crocodile tears—the same tears liberals cry for the "poor" (who today live in such luxury that most own refrigerators) when they jealously try to claw justly earned wealth from the deserving job creators. There is no doubt that at this point our professor wished he had pulled himself up by his bootstraps and become more than a sophist liberal professor. He wished so much that he had a gun to shoot himself from embarrassment, but he himself had petitioned against them!

The students applauded and all registered Republican that day and accepted Jesus as their Lord and Savior. An eagle named "Small Government" flew into the room and perched atop the American Flag and shed a tear on the chalk. The pledge of allegiance was read several times, and God himself showed up and enacted a flat tax rate across the country.

The professor lost his tenure and was fired the next day. He died of the gay plague AIDS and was tossed into the lake of fire for all eternity.

Semper Fi.
p.s. Close the borders.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: GUEST,DaveA
Date: 07 Feb 12 - 05:07 PM

Seeing Andrez' even handed approach to Aussie/Kiwi relationships has moved me to document the equal opportunity butcher in Auckland who pastes lambs tongues to his shop window for women to rub against!!

It was the first new Sheep joke I'd heard in 20 years

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 07 Feb 12 - 05:19 PM

Micky Mouse was trying to divorce Minnie, but the judge said that insanity wasn't valid grounds for divorce.
Mickey said, "I never said she was insane, I said she was fucking Goofy"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 08 Feb 12 - 04:14 AM

A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his Friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that Promotion I'v been wanting, so could you please pack enough Clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're Leaving From the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up" "Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas." The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked. The following Weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish? He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to Do?" You'll love the answer... The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box....."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Andrez
Date: 08 Feb 12 - 06:30 AM

How to win a Fosters!

Three Aussie guys were working on a high-rise building project - Steve, Bruce and Kevin.

Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."

Kevin says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters.

Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Kev?"

"Steve's wife gave it to me,"

Bruce replies. "That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?"

"Well not exactly," Kevin said. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'.

She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.'

And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are'."


Cheers,

Andrez

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: GUEST
Date: 09 Feb 12 - 05:31 AM

To Mike in Brunswick,

The tale continues.......The bartender looks at the tiny bottle and asks, "do you mind if I give it a try? "   The man with the pianist replies, "No, go ahead, just be careful what you wish for." So the barkeeper picks up the jeni bottle. Suddenly there is a horrific racket in the street outside. Opening the barroom door they are immersed in skwaking, and bird crap, and feathers. A million ducks had landed in the street.

Sincerely,
Gargoyle

(The bar patron - looking at the horrified bar tender asks, "Do you really believe I wanted a twelve inch pianist?)

That is the correct telling of your tale.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Mrrzy
Date: 09 Feb 12 - 02:20 PM

Make a drumhead out of that, asshole! (another alternate punch line).

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 12 Feb 12 - 08:40 PM

The first "Republican" joke I recall laughing at:


A liberal, a conservative, and a moderate walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "Hi, Mitt!"


(Told by an anti-Romney Republican politician whose identity I don't remember. He wasn't one of the candidates.)

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Bill D
Date: 12 Feb 12 - 09:38 PM

"He wasn't one of the candidates."

He was the billionaire funding Rick Santorum...

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Andrez
Date: 13 Feb 12 - 05:26 AM

Two Aussies are adrift in a lifeboat. While rummaging through the boat's provisions one of them finds an old lamp. He rubs the lamp and a genie suddenly appears. This genie tells them that he only grants one wish.

Without giving much thought to the matter, the lamp finder blurts out, "Turn the entire ocean into VB*!"

The genie claps his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turns into beer.

The genie disappears and only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull breaks the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.

The second Aussie turns to the first and says, "Nice going mate! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."

Cheers,

Andrez

* VB stands for Victoria Bitter.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Jon Corelis
Date: 13 Feb 12 - 04:04 PM

Stop me if you've heard this one which you probably have.

It seems this Catholic gentleman decided to marry a Protestant woman. His priest tried to dissuade him, urging him to keep his marriage within the church. But the man assured him, "Father, I have no doubt that my wife will convert to our faith."

And sure enough, a year or so after the marriage, the wife converted to Catholicism.

Well, in the course of time, this good woman died before her husband. And after a suitable period of mourning, the husband decided to marry again, and again to marry a Protestant woman.

His priest tried again to dissuade him, saying, "Well, it worked out the first time, but you can't count on it again. Couldn't you find yourself a nice Catholic girl?" But the man assured him that his new wife would convert. And sure enough, a year or so after the marriage, the wife became a Catholic.

Well, after some time had passed, this second wife passed away. And after a period of mourning, the husband went to his priest and informed that he had decided to remarry, and to marry a Protestant woman again.

This time the priest readily gave his approval, feeling sure that the marriage would again result in a new convert.

But a year passed, and then two, and then three, and the new wife remained staunchly Protestant.

So the priest asked the man, "Why are things different now? I was skeptical, but when I saw that your first two wives converted, I was sure third one also would. Why hasn't she?"

And the man replied, "Ach, Father -- I'm afraid the old converter isn't what it used to be."

Jon Corelis
Celtic Suite in G Major for Harp, Flute and Cello

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 15 Feb 12 - 09:10 AM

"The Real Pearls"

Two older women who were rivals in a social circle
met at a party.

"My dear," said the first woman, "Are those real pearls?"

"They are," replied the second woman.

"Of course the only way I could tell would be for me
to bite them." smiled the first.

The second responded, "Yes, but for that you would
need real teeth."
--------------------

"The Texan"

A Texan lands in Sydney, and is picked up by a taxi.
After requesting a tour of the city, he starts into a
tirade about the small town airport and how in Texas
they have larger runways on their ranches...

They are soon crossing the Sydney Harbor bridge, and
the man is further unimpressed - "I have a duck pond
bigger than that harbor, and an ornamental bridge to
span it that makes this look like a toy."

The Sydney-Newcastle expressway also gets his scorn,
"Is this a road, or a track?"

So when a kangaroo jumped out in front of the cab,
causing the sudden and severe application of the brakes,
the driver couldn't help himself - "Stupid grasshoppers!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 15 Feb 12 - 09:37 AM

Mary came home early one day, she could hear Jim moaning upstairs. "Are
you OK, Jim?" she cried, running up to him He was lying on the bed,
nude, sweating and panting. "I think I'm having a heart attack" he
said. On her way down to phone the paramedic she met little John.
"Aunty Shelley's hiding in the wardrobe" he said. She went back &
opened the wardrobe door and there was neighbour Shelley in the nude.
"Shelley" scolded Mary, "Jim's having a heart attack and you're messing
about playing hide & seek with the children!"

RtS

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Jon Corelis
Date: 15 Feb 12 - 11:00 AM

A young man hails a taxi in London, and when he gets in the driver says, "I remember you! A couple weeks ago I took you and your lady friend to the restaurant. I must say, she's a fine figure of a woman: movie-star beautiful, intelligent, refined, great sense of humor, wonderfully dressed -- I don't mind telling you you're a very lucky man to have found a girl like that. By the way, how is she?"

"Well, actually," the young man replied, "we've broken up, and I'll probably never see her again."

And the taxi driver nodded sagely and said, "You're better off, mate."

Jon Corelis
Jon Corelis on SoundCloud

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: GUEST
Date: 15 Feb 12 - 11:04 AM

Who killed the vicar ?

http://uk.news.yahoo.com/police-probe-suspicious-vicarage-death-013519420.html

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Jon Corelis
Date: 15 Feb 12 - 03:46 PM

Eight punch lines in search of a joke

i
And the Pope said
I'm with the Jewish guy.

ii

Styrofoam? cried the salesman
I thought it was popcorn!

iii

Oh, it's not for me
he told the bartender
it's for my hippopotamus.

iv

There's just one thing
I still don't understand:
how come whenever I
press this button
you stick out your tongue?

v

But the King's ears
were upside down.

vi

I'll bet you've never seen
a gorilla in a tutu either!

vii

Me, too
said the Martian.

viii

And the moral of the story is
never
let anyone give you
more bull
than you can shake a stick at.


Jon Corelis
Jon Corelis: Poems, Plays, Songs, and Essays

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: GUEST,Bluesman
Date: 17 Feb 12 - 03:01 AM

I got a puppy of my local Blacksmith yesterday. It was only here two hours and it made a bolt for the door.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Andrez
Date: 19 Feb 12 - 07:22 AM

The seven dwarfs went off to work in the mine one day, while Snow White stayed at home to do the housework and cook their lunch. However when she went to the mine to deliver their lunches, she found there had been a cave-in, and there was no sign of the dwarfs.
Tearfully she yelled in to the mine entrance: "hello - is anyone there. Can anyone hear me".
A voice floated up from the bowels of the mine: " Australia will win the Rugby World Cup" "Thank god" said Snow White "at least Dopey's still alive"

Cheers,

Andrez

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: saulgoldie
Date: 19 Feb 12 - 01:31 PM

Posted on Facebook by Ge3orge Takei, aka "Mr Sulu" from Star Trek:

Sign at Northampton General Hospital:

(first line, bold, and centered)       Family Planning Advice
(second line, also bold, and centered)   Use Rear Entrance

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 22 Feb 12 - 10:14 AM

"Pop Rocks"

Cassie was taking two of her grandsons on their
very first train ride from Dayton, Ohio to
Washington, DC.

A vendor came down the corridor selling Pop
Rocks, something neither had ever seen before.
Cassie bought each one a bag.

The first one eagerly tore open the bag and
popped one into his mouth just as the train went
into a tunnel. When the train emerged from the
tunnel, he looked across to his brother and said:
"I wouldn't eat that if I were you."

"Why not?" replied the curious brother.

"I took one bite and went blind for half a minute."


-----------------

"Allergy"

Because of an ear infection, Little Johnny had
to go to the pediatrician. The doctor directed his
comments and questions to Little Johnny in a
professional manner. When he asked Little Johnny,
"Is there anything you are allergic to?"

Little Johnny nodded and whispered in his ear.
Smiling, the pediatrician wrote out a prescription
and handed it to Little Johnny's mother. She
tucked it into her purse without looking at it.

As the pharmacist filled the order, he remarked
on the unusual food - drug interaction Little Johnny
must have. Little Johnny's mother looked puzzled
until he showed her the label on the bottle. As per
the doctor's instructions, it read,

"Do not take with broccoli."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 22 Feb 12 - 05:21 PM

A re-edited version of BBC News done by "Cassetteboy"

(Not exactly a joke, but it's funny. Is there a better place to post stuff like this?)

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: GUEST
Date: 23 Feb 12 - 02:18 AM

Is there a better place to post stuff like this?

Perhaps here: BS: YouTube Gems

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 23 Feb 12 - 02:54 AM

That was me above!

DC

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 24 Feb 12 - 08:57 AM

"Encouragement"

Well Bill, how are you getting on with trying to date
that new cocktail waitress?"

"Not so bad. I'm getting some encouragement now."

"Really, is she beginning to smile sweetly at you or
something?"

"Not exactly, but last night she said that she's said
'NO' for the last time."


------------------

"Summer BBQ"

One evening, impressed by a meat entree his wife
had prepared, the husband asked, "What did you
marinate this in?"

The wife dropped her fork and went into a long
explanation about how much she loved him and
how life wouldn't be the same without him.

She must have seen the confused look on her
husbands face, because she inquired, "What
did you ask me?"

When he told her what he'd asked, the wife
laughed and said, "I thought you asked me if
I would marry you again!"

Later, as she was cleaning up the kitchen, the
husband called out, "Hey, hon, WOULD you
marry me again?"

Without hesitation she replied, "Vinegar and
barbecue sauce."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 26 Feb 12 - 09:03 AM

"Real Science Quiz Answers"

(Spelling not corrected)

"To collect fumes of sulphur, hold down a deacon
over a flame in a test tube"

"When you smell an odourless gas, it is probably
carbon monoxide."

"Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not
found in a free state."

"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes,
and caterpillars."

"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."

"Respiration is composed of two acts, first
inspiration, and then expectoration.


-------------


"First Day At University"

It was the first day of classes at Stern College for
Women of Yeshiva University, and I was waiting in
my classroom for students in my public speaking
course.

Because of congestion in the elevators and room
changes, several were still missing and I thought
I would talk with those present while we were
waiting.

"What have you learned so far today?" I asked.

Some students raised their hands and told what
they had learned.

A late arriving student took a seat and I asked her
the same question. "I haven't learned anything
today; this is my first class," she said.

"What time did you get up this morning?" I asked.

"Very early," she replied.

I told her that learning takes place beyond the four
walls that surrounded us and asked what she had
learned since she awakened.

She sat silently for a moment and then jumped up.

"I've just learned I'm in the wrong classroom," she
said as she made her exit.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 28 Feb 12 - 08:30 AM

"Steamy"

After watching a rather hot love scene
on cable, the husband looked over at
his wife and said,

"How come you never make love to
me like that?"

"Are you kidding me?? Do you have
any idea how much they pay those
people to do that?"


----------------


"Natural Laws"

Nature has many laws that hold fast and true.
For example, a baby ape will always grow up
to be an ape; likewise, a baby baboon will
become an adult baboon. A baby pig will
mature into a full grown pig. A baby jackass
will always become a jackass.

Yet oddly enough, women say a young man
may grow up to be any one of these!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Mrrzy
Date: 28 Feb 12 - 04:25 PM

That reminds me...


Why don't men get Mad Cow disease?
...because they're pigs.

Why do they call it PMS?
...because Mad Cow disease was already taken.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 03 Mar 12 - 09:19 AM

The Congressional Revolver

Taurus USA has proudly announced their newest handgun: the Congressional Revolver

Its name is beautifully engraved on the cylinder.

Available for the right hand (Republicans) or the left (Democrats), it really is just like a congressman: it has a dull finish.

It of course has to be a revolver, since it turns around and around, and yet you get the same old thing every time -- just like elections!

Anti-gunners don't worry! We weren't kidding when we said this exquisite piece really is modeled after Congress: it doesn't work, and you can't fire it.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Mrrzy
Date: 03 Mar 12 - 06:48 PM

Mitt Romney would like too, though.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: GUEST,999
Date: 04 Mar 12 - 06:39 AM

I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving.

As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers. Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before - I took a bus home.

I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got this one.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 04 Mar 12 - 09:57 AM

"Epitaph I"

When her late husband's will was read, a widow
learned he had left the bulk of his fortune to
another woman.

Enraged, she rushed to change the inscription on
her spouse's tombstone.

"Sorry, lady," said the stonecutter. "I inscribed 'Rest
in Peace' on your orders. I can't change it now."

"Very well," she said grimly. "Just add,
'Until We Meet Again.' "


-----------------------

"Epitaph II"

The old lady had been married for many years when
suddenly her husband died. This is what she put on
his tombstone:

"THE LIGHT OF MY LIFE HAS GONE OUT."

Not long afterward she met, fell in love with and
married another man.

After thinking at some length about it, she went to
the monument maker and had him add this to the
tombstone:

THE LIGHT OF MY LIFE HAS GONE OUT.
P.S. I Found A Match.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 04 Mar 12 - 10:07 AM

A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country.
~~~
Well, there's a very simple answer.
~~~
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
~~~
We just didn't know we were getting low.
~~~
The reason for that is purely geographical.
~~~
Our OIL is located in:
~~~
ALASKA
~~~
California
~~~
Coastal Florida
~~~
Coastal Louisiana
~~~
Coastal Alabama
~~~~
Coastal Mississippi
~~~~
Coastal Texas
~~~
North Dakota
~~~
Wyoming
~~~
Colorado
~~~
Kansas
~~~
Oklahoma
~~~
Pennsylvania
~~~
And
Texas
~~~
Our dipsticks are located in DC
~~~
Any Questions?
NO? Didn't think So.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 07 Mar 12 - 09:27 AM

"Sir Arthur Conan Doyle"

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, the creator of the world-famous
detective Sherlock Holmes, was not above telling tales
about himself in which he was the laughing-stock.

In one situation, he was waiting at a taxi stand outside
the railway station in Paris. When a taxi pulled up, he
placed his suitcase in the car and took a seat next to it.

"Where can I take you, Mr. Doyle?" asked the taxi driver.

Doyle was flabbergasted. He asked the driver whether he
knew him by sight.

"No, sir, I have never seen you before.''

The puzzled Doyle asked him how he knew he was Conan
Doyle.

"This morning's paper had a story about you being on
vacation in Marseilles. This is the taxi-stand where people
who return from Marseilles always come to. Your skin color
tells me you have been on vacation. The ink-spot on your
right index finger suggests to me that you're a writer. Your
clothing is very English, and not French. And so, I deduced
that you are Sir Arthur Conan Doyle."

Doyle remarked, "This is truly amazing. You are a real-life
counterpart to my fictional creation, Sherlock Holmes."

"There is one other thing,'' the driver said.

"What is that?''

"Your name is on the front of your suitcase.''

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Nick
Date: 07 Mar 12 - 10:48 AM

A guy telephones Toys r Us on the day of the Costa Concordia accident.
"Do you have a model of the cruise liner that had the accident today?" he asks.
"I don't think so - we've had a lot of people asking" the shop assistant replies.
"Would you check it's a present for a friend?"
"I will go and look in the store room, just wait a minute."
The shop assistant comes back and says, "You're in luck I have got one left"
"Thank you. Can you put it to one side for me?"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 11 Mar 12 - 10:20 AM

"Million Dollar Policy"

"Darling," said the affectionate husband, "I've
insured myself for $1,000,000. If anything happens
to me you will be provided for."

"Good," said his loving wife, "Now you won't
have to call the doctor every time you feel sick."


-------------------------

"Good Lawyer"

"You've got a good lawyer to take care of the
estate?" asked her mother.

"Oh, don't talk to me about lawyers," she said
angrily. "I've had so much trouble over the
property. Sometimes I wish Frank had never
died."

------------------------

"Decisions"

I met a man who had been married for sixty-six years.

"Amazing. Sixty-six years!" I said. "What's the secret to
such a long, happy marriage?"

"Well," he replied, "It's like this. The man makes all
the big decisions... and the woman just makes the
little decisions."

"Really?" I responded. "Does that really work?"

"Oh, yes," he said proudly. "Sixty-six years, and so far,
not one big decision!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: GUEST,Jim Dixon, using my mother-in-law's computer
Date: 11 Mar 12 - 11:46 AM

"Decisions"

[Same as above but with a different ending.]

"...so my wife makes all the little decisions, like where we should live, where the kids should go to school, what kind of job I should have...."

"And what are the big decisions?"

"You know—things like, whether Israel should bomb Iran—whether we should open diplomatic relations with Cuba...."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: GUEST,999
Date: 11 Mar 12 - 12:08 PM

An old gal was pulled over by the Sûreté du Québec and asked for her driver's license. She asked why she'd been stopped. He said, "Madam, you were 35km/hr over the posted limit." She got an aggressive look on her face and said he should get his radar checked. He asked if she had any alcohol in the car. She said, "No, it's in the trunk." He asked her to open the trunk. She replied, "Certainly, but be careful not to disturb the body or the Uzi I used to kill that sonuvabitch." The officer called for SWAT back-up and hand-gun drawn instructed her to step out of the vehicle, make NO sudden moves, turn, lean into the car and stay still. She complied.

SWAT arrived and the officer spoke with them. They popped the trunk and it was completely empty.

The SWAT officer took the lady aside and asked, "Where's the beer, the body and the gun?" She said she didn't know what he was talking about. The SWAT fellow said, "Look, lady, the officer told me you had those things in the trunk!" She said, "Yeah. I suppose he'll tell you I was speeding, too."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 20 Mar 12 - 10:24 AM

"Password Follies"

A new employee called the Help Desk to complain
that there was something wrong with her password.

"The problem is that whenever I type the password,
it just shows stars," she said.

"Those asterisks are to protect you," the Help Desk
technician explained, "so if someone were standing
behind you, they wouldn't be able to read your
password."

"Yeah," she said, "but they show up even when
there is no one standing behind me."


-----------


"New Technology"

When a customer left his cell phone in my store,
I scrolled through his saved numbers, stopped
at "Mom" and pushed send. His mother answered,
and I told her what happened.

"Don't worry," she said, "I'll take care of it."

A few minutes later, the cell phone rang. It
was "Mom."

"Martin," she said, "you left your cell phone
at the convenience store.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 22 Mar 12 - 10:26 AM

"Change of Address"

It was a typically busy day at the bank. After
a glance at the line of waiting customers, a
harried-looking man came up to the side
counter and demanded, "What do I have to
do to change the address on my account?"

Without missing a beat, the clerk replied,
"Move."


--------

"Haircut Robbery"

A barber runs out of his shop and down to the
nearest corner where a policeman is standing.
"Officer," he asks, have you seen a man run by
here in the last few minutes?"

"No I haven't. What's the problem?"

"The lousy cheat ran out of my shop without
paying me!"

"Does this fellow have any distinguishing features?"
the officer asks.

"Well, yes," the barber replies. "He's carrying one
of his ears in his left hand."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 23 Mar 12 - 08:29 AM

"Horror Movie"

As the horror movie was about to reach its
terrifying conclusion, the young woman
began fidgeting in her seat next to her date.

The man sitting behind her leaned forward
and inquired,

"Excuse me. Are you feeling hysterical?"

"No," she whispered. "He's feeling mine."

------------

"Spring Romance"

When I was a 20-something college student, I
became quite friendly with my study partner, a
64-year-old man, who had returned to school
to finish his degree. He confessed he had once
thought more than friendship might be a possibility.

"So what changed your mind?" I asked him.

"I went to my doctor and asked if he thought a
40-year age difference between a man and woman
was insurmountable. He looked at my chart and
said, 'You're interested in someone who's 104?'"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 26 Mar 12 - 02:00 PM

"HS Alumni Questionnaire"

A friend of mine is responsible for alumni relations
at his high-school alma mater.

Last fall, a member of the Class of '96 returned the
standard alumni questionnaire with this response:

Marital Status - Not good
Wife's Name - Plaintiff

--------

"New Patio"

Neighbors of ours had a terrible disagreement over
a patio they wanted for their backyard. The wife
had rather grand ideas, while the husband wanted
costs kept to a minimum. The wife won out, and
the construction bill climbed higher and higher.

I dropped by one day, when the patio was near
completion, and was surprised to find the husband
smiling from ear to ear as the workmen smoothed
over the surface. I remarked how nice it was to see
a grin replace the frown he had been wearing lately.

"You see where they're smoothing that cement?" he
replied. "I just threw my wife's credit cards in there."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Mrrzy
Date: 31 Mar 12 - 07:24 PM

Listen to some science jokes here...

and then explain the esoteric ones, please. Like the one where he says If you knew physics you'd be on the ground laughing now... I *thought* I knew *some* physics! And they didn't even tell the one about the two old Indian (feather, not dot) ladies sitting around bragging on their kids, only to be topped by a third one...

...because ...

...the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: framus
Date: 31 Mar 12 - 09:34 PM

I bought a dog from the same blacksmith as the bloke whose pup made a bolt for the door - mine made a spring for my balls!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 02 Apr 12 - 06:26 AM

"Stick 'em down!'

"You mean 'Stick 'em up!'"

"Aaarrgghh ~ that's why I'm not making any money!"

.,.,.,


"Have you seen any cops around here?"

"No."

"Stick 'em up!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 03 Apr 12 - 10:13 AM

"Driving Test"

I'm a driving examiner for the state of Indiana,
and while I was giving a road test to a young
man, he went through a red light without
stopping.

I told him that he had automatically failed the
test. We met up with his mother back at the
office, and I explained what had happened.

At first she was speechless. Then she asked
incredulously, "He ran a red light?"

"Yes," I replied.

"Well," persisted the mom, "how red was the
light?"


------


"Driving Mad"

A large truck was tailing my son as he drove
through town with his girlfriend. The truck
matched them turn for turn, down every street.

My son's concern grew to alarm when the
menacing-looking driver pulled next to him
at a light, leaned out his window, and glared
into his car.

After a long, hard stare, the man grinned and
called to my son, "Sorry, kid, I thought that was
my daughter."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 05 Apr 12 - 08:50 AM

"Vegetable"

A man and his wife are sitting in the living
room and he says to her, "Just so you know,
I never want to live in a vegetative state
dependent on some machine. If that ever
happens, just pull the plug."

"Okay," says his wife as she gets up and
unplugs the TV.

---------


"The Game"

Nothing rattles my father-in-law, especially
when the St. Louis Cardinals are on TV.

One day we were watching a game, when
my mother-in-law shrieked from the kitchen,
"Jim, there's a horsefly in here!"

Not taking his eyes off the screen, he barked
back, "Give it some cough syrup."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 14 Apr 12 - 03:44 PM

"Hard Drink Order"

I was waiting tables in a noisy lobster restaurant
in Maine when a vacationing Southerner stumped
me with a drink order.

I approached the bartender. "Have you ever
heard of a drink called 'Seven Young Blondes'?"
I asked. He admitted he'd never heard of it, and
grabbed a drink guidebook to look it up.

Unable to find the recipe, he then asked me to go
back and tell the patron that he'd be happy to
make the drink if he could list the ingredients for
him.

"Sir," I asked the customer, "can you tell me what's
in that drink?"

He looked at me like I was crazy. "It's wine," he said,
pronouncing his words carefully, "Sauvignon blanc."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 15 Apr 12 - 11:00 AM

"The Whole Weak Long"

Because of the reaction people have when they
wake up and realize it's a workday again and
the weekend is over, the first day of the week is
called Moanday.

Many people too busy to cook on the second day
of the week just open a can of beans. Hence the
day is known as Tootsday.

By the third day of the week, people are wondering
when they can ever find the time to get everything
done this week that they need to, hence the day is
known as Whensday.

Too bleary to even count properly, people think
it's only Day Three of the week on the next day,
therefore it's erroneously called Thirdsday.

On the last day of the workweek, people often go
out "for a few" after work. By the time they get home,
they're too tired to cook anything elaborate, so they
just throw a piece of meat, chicken, or fish in the
skillet. That's why the day is known as Fryday.

Saturday night all the singles let loose. There's a lot
of sexual hijinks. It's pretty obvious why the day is
called Satyrday.

And on the last day of the week--and the weekend--
people look at all the items on their to-do lists that
didn't get crossed off, groan aloud, and make
themselves promises they won't keep. Therefore
the day is called Soonday.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Joe_F
Date: 15 Apr 12 - 08:12 PM

And remember, once you've gotten thru Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Peter the Squeezer
Date: 17 Apr 12 - 06:48 PM

Wife texts husband on a cold winter's morning:

'Windows frozen'

Husband texts back:

'Pour some lukewarm water over it'

Wife texts back:

'Computer completely f*ck*d now'

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 23 Apr 12 - 09:56 AM

"Lead Foot"

My mom has a lead foot, so I was not surprised
when a state trooper pulled us over as we were
driving through Georgia. Hoping to get off with
a warning, Mom tried to appear shocked when
he walked up to the car.

"I have never been stopped like this before," she
said to the officer.

"What do they usually do, ma'am," he asked,
"shoot the tires out?"

-------------------

Quote du Jour

"God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is,
he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't
know how to play funny."
-- Garrison Keillor

-----------------

"Ohio"

Apparently I tend to brag too much about my
home state of Ohio. One day I told a long-
suffering friend, "You know, the first man in
powered flight was from Ohio. The first man
to orbit the earth was from Ohio. And the first
man on the moon was from Ohio."

"Sounds like a lot of people are trying to get
out of Ohio," he observed.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: saulgoldie
Date: 24 Apr 12 - 10:57 AM

A blonde city girl named Judy marries a Saskatchewan rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Judy, "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?" The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while..., the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Judy takes him down to the barn.

They walk along the row of cows and when Judy sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one right here." The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde, asks, "Tell me lady, cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?" "That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall," she explains very confidently. Laughing rudely at her, the man says, "And what, pray tell, is the nail for?" The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, "I guess it's to hang your pants on."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 24 Apr 12 - 12:04 PM

How do you call an intelligent blonde?

A Golden Retriever.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: saulgoldie
Date: 24 Apr 12 - 01:27 PM

Ooo, ooo...100!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 24 Apr 12 - 06:51 PM

A man stops moving in the middle of intercourse and lies absolutely still.
His girlfriend asks, "What are you doing?"
He says, "I've seen this on porn web sites. It's called 'buffering.' "

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: MudGuard
Date: 25 Apr 12 - 02:14 AM

"The first man to orbit the earth was from Ohio. "

I didn't know the Sovjet Union was part of Ohio. My geography teachers claimed the SU was a sovereign state - they must have lied to me.

Or did I overlook someone orbiting the earth before Yuri Gagarin did it?

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 25 Apr 12 - 11:40 AM

"Character Witness"

A young biker was called into court for destroying
a tavern in a brawl. He appeared before the judge
and said, "Your Honor, I am not guilty-my reputation
is spotless."

Unimpressed, the judge said, "Do you have any
witnesses who can vouch for your character?"

The young man pointed to a man in the corner.
"Sure, the sheriff over there."

Taken by surprise, the sheriff stood up and declared,
"Your Honor, this man is a liar. I have never seen him
before in my life!"

The young man turned to the judge and said, "See?
I have lived here for 15 years and the sheriff doesn't
know me, ain't that character reference enough,
your Honor?"


----------


"The Siamese Twins"

Siamese twins walk into a pub in Ontario and
park themselves on a bar stool.

One of them says to the innkeeper, "Don't mind
us, we're joined at the hip. I'm Joe, he's Jim, we'll
have two Molson Canadian beers, draft please."

The innkeeper, feeling slightly awkward, tries to
make polite conversation while pouring the beers.

"Been on holiday yet, boys?"

"Off to England next month," says Joe. "We go to
England every year and hire a car and drive for
miles, don't we, Jim?"

Jim agrees.

"Ah, England," says the innkeeper. "Wonderful country...
the history, the beer, the culture..."

"Nah, we don't like that British crap," says Joe.
"Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's us, eh Jim?
And we can't stand the English - they're arrogant
and rude.'

"So why keep going to England?" asks the innkeeper.

Joe replies, "It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 28 Apr 12 - 09:06 AM

"A Line of Valedictorians"

At the beginning of the school year, one
seventh grader was reflecting on his chance
at being the 8th grade valedictorian.

He said his dad was valedictorian, his mom
was valedictorian, and his sister was also
valedictorian. He paused, leaned back in
his chair and said,

"Looks like the end of an era!"

-------------

"The Old School House"

The board of education in a nearby town sold
off a building that had been a one-room
schoolhouse. The buyer converted it to a tavern.

One day an elderly man was walking by the
place with his grandson and pointed to the
building. "That's where I went to school when
I was your age."

"Really," said the boy. "Who was your bartender
back then?"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 01 May 12 - 04:36 AM

Another one for the Seniors:
Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Asda, just couldn't seem to get to work on time.Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.One day the boss called him into the office for a talk."Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job when you finally get here; but your being late so often is quite bothersome.""Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it.""Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear.""Yes sir, I understand your concern and I'll try harder."Seeming puzzled, the manager went on to comment, "It's odd though your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say to you there if you showed up in the morning so late and so often?"The old man looked down at the floor, then smiled.He chuckled quietly, then said with a grin, "They usually saluted and said, 'Good morning, Admiral, can I get your coffee, Sir ?'"   

RtS

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: GUEST,999
Date: 01 May 12 - 11:40 AM

Anything with tits or tires is gonna give you trouble down the road.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: GUEST,guest frank
Date: 02 May 12 - 04:41 AM

Anything with tits or tires is gonna give you trouble down the road.

AND it's going to cost you money!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: frogprince
Date: 02 May 12 - 10:43 AM

Guess I'd better get rid of my cow and my little radio flyer wagon...

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 06 May 12 - 02:45 PM

What do you call an armless and legless man who swims The Channel?








Clever Dick

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Joe_F
Date: 06 May 12 - 08:25 PM

"No, no, nurse! I said to *prick* his *boil*."

*

"Doctor, what shall I do with these rectal thermometers?"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Michael
Date: 07 May 12 - 03:04 PM

"No, no, nurse! I said 'Remove his spectacles'."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: GUEST,999
Date: 08 May 12 - 07:04 AM

A guy calls into work, sick.

His boss answers and asks, "Just how sick are you?"

Fellow replies, "Well, I'm fucking my cat. You figure it out!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: GUEST,Guesty
Date: 08 May 12 - 09:18 AM

I spent the night in my Japanese campervan, but didn't get a wink of sleep. It's a Nissan Dormobile.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 08 May 12 - 09:43 AM

"Hello. Bill Smith is not well enough to come to school today."

"Ah. Who is that speaking, please?"

"This is my father, Sir."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 09 May 12 - 01:30 PM

"Menu Choice on a Date"

On a date, a farm girl was studying the menu in
the restaurant.

She asked her date, "What's filet mignon?"

Thinking fast, her date replied, "It's year-
old pickled goat's liver. Why?"


------


"High Stakes"

Algernon was feeling ill at work, and left after
lunch to go home. He walked into the house and
found his wife Judi in the arms of another man.
He started to yell at the interloper, "What right
have you got to be making love to my wife?"

The man answered calmly, "You may as well know
that I am in love with Judi and I would like to marry
her. I understand you're a gambler. Why don't you
be a good sport and sit down and play a game of
gin rummy with me? If I lose, I'll never see her again;
if you lose, you must agree to divorce her. Okay?"

"Okay," replied Algernon, "but just to make it a
little more interesting, why don't we play for a
dollar a point?"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 14 May 12 - 10:20 AM

"Testing of Job"

One of the mysteries of the Bible is God's
testing of Job. He took everything away
from the poor guy but his wife. For years,
scholars have debated why.

Seems to me it's actually rather simple.

After God finished the testing of Job, He
returned twice what He had taken away.
If He had taken Job's wife, that means
God would've had to give him back two wives.

Surely, not even God would have inflicted such
a severe penalty on Job after all he'd been
through.

--------------------

"Name Game"

I was shopping in a department store with my
four-year-old grandson. I promised him that we
would go to the toy department, but I stopped
in the ladies' clothing department first.

It seems that he couldn't wait that long: one
second he was holding onto my pant skirt and
the next, he had vanished. I panicked and
looked everywhere, but I couldn't find him.

I went to the customer service desk to have
them announce his name over the P.A. system,
and to my relief he was already there waiting
for me. The woman at the desk told me that
my grandson had asked them to call me over
the P.A., but he didn't know my name, except
"Grandma".

So they asked him what his dad, my son,
called me. He answered "Mom." Then they
asked what his grandpa, my husband, called
me. "Sugar," he replied.

So then they asked what his mommy (my
daughter-in-law) called me. Very clearly, he
said, "The Bitch."

On the way home, we practiced my "real"
name until I was confident that he would
use it the next time!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 16 May 12 - 09:08 AM

"Golf Balls"

The mistress of an English Tudor country house
had just hired a new house maid, an Irish lass,
straight from a farm.

The first day she was dusting in the Smoking Room
where the Master of the house sat reading. On the
mantel she saw a small bowl containing a
couple of round white balls. She, being curious and
not bashful, asked, "What are these?"

He looked up, saw where she was pointing, and
answered, "Golf balls."

She said, "Oh!" and went on dusting.

A few days later, she was dusting again in the same
room, where the master was again reading. Again,
in the same bowl were white balls, only now there
were four of them.

She said, "Oh. I see you shot another Golf."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Joe_F
Date: 16 May 12 - 01:41 PM

Likewise, "I didn't know moths had balls" used to be a common naughty remark.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: breezy
Date: 16 May 12 - 03:22 PM

Didnt know they danced

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 16 May 12 - 05:13 PM

A young lad got a job valeting high class cars and one of his first jobs was on a Rolls. Under the driver's seat he found a golf tee which he handed back to the owner, explaining that he didn't know what it was but he thought that it might be important. The owner explained:      
       "I rest my balls on that before I drive off"
Amazed, the young lad replied:
       "Wow, Rolls-Royce think of everything"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 16 May 12 - 05:16 PM

Why do policemen have bigger balls than firemen?



















Because they sell more tickets.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Joe_F
Date: 17 May 12 - 03:08 PM

I have heard tell of a sports reporter who described a baseball player with a cold as "blowing his nose between every ball" & saw it in print corrected by a copyeditor to read "blowing his nose between the balls".

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 17 May 12 - 07:50 PM

Here's a story I once heard which was supposed to have really happened but I suspect it was a joke that that turned into an urban legend:

During a slow period in a baseball game, the TV cameras would sometimes focus on interesting people in the stands.

One time the camera caught, and lingered on, a couple who were getting rather romantic.

The announcers, watching on their monitors, couldn't resist commenting.

One of them said, "Hey, looks like those guys have an interesting game going on."

The other ad-libbed: "Yeah, he kisses her on the strikes, and she kisses him on the balls."

Supposedly, when they realized what had been said, they both convulsed with laughter and were unable to talk for several minutes.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 21 May 12 - 09:39 AM

"Make it Fast!"

A cowboy runs into a bar and says to the
bartender, "Give me twenty shots of your
best scotch, and make it quick!"

The bartender pours out the shots, and
the cowboy drinks them as fast as he can.

The bartender remarks, "I've never seen
anybody drink that fast!"

The cowboy replies, "Well, you'd drink
that fast too if you had what I have."

"What's that?" asks the bartender.

"Only fifty cents!"

------


"Dance Fever"

Johnny went to his first school dance. He
didn't know if he would ever get up the nerve
to ask a girl out to dance.

As the night went on everybody was dancing
except. He just sat in the corner
looking at everyone having fun.

Finally as the last song started to play Johnny
spotted two very cute girls across the
room sitting at their table. He walked over and
asked one if she would like to dance.

She looked him up and down and said, "I am sorry
but I am very particular who I dance with."

Johnny shot back, "You can damn well see
that I'm not!"

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: framus
Date: 21 May 12 - 06:38 PM

Weeping child presents himself at the Customer Care counter in a big store.
"I've lost my Mum" he wailed.
"Oh!" said the concerned lady, "What's she like?"
After a little thought he replies "Vodka and big dicks."

******************

TRUE story like the baseball one above.
During a lull in proceedings at a cricket match, the commentator helpfully advised his listeners, "And the batsman's Holding, the bowler's Willie."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 22 May 12 - 04:11 PM

"New Job"

A salesman, tired of his job, gave it up to become
a policeman. Several months later, a friend asked
him how he liked his new role.

"Well," he replied, "the pay is good and the hours
aren't bad, but what I like best is that the customer
is always wrong."


-------

"Judge Not"

An eminent forensic psychiatrist was called to
testify in court. A severe no nonsense professional,
she sat down in the witness chair unaware that its
rear legs were set precariously on the back of the
raised platform.

"Will you state your name?" asked the district
attorney.

Tilting back in her chair, she opened her mouth
to answer but instead catapulted head-over-heels
backward and landed in a stack of exhibits and
recording equipment.

Everyone watched in stunned silence as she
extricated herself, rearranged her disheveled dress
and hair and reseated herself on the witness stand.
The glare she directed at onlookers dared anyone
to so much as smirk.

"Well, Doctor," continued the district attorney
without changing expression, "perhaps if we
started with an easier question ..."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 25 May 12 - 09:02 AM

"Definitions"

ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and
is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born
and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

GOSSIP:
A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will
do more damage.

HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.

INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MYTH:
A female moth.

MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES:
Something other people have. You have character
lines.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 29 May 12 - 09:42 AM

Cell Phone Etiquette

After a very busy day, Peggy settled down in her seat and closed her eyes as the train departed Manhattan for the 'burbs.

As the train rolled out of the station, one last passenger jumped on the train and got the last seat--right next to Peggy.

Naturally, he pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice.

"Hi sweetheart, it's Eric! ... I'm on the train — Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting ... No, honey, not with that floozie from the accounts office; it was with the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life-- Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart," etc., etc.

It was nauseating. And no matter how much Peggy glared at him, cleared her throat, or otherwise tried to express her disapproval over his rudeness, he completely ignored her.

Fifteen minutes later, she got an idea. She leaned in close to him and said in her most sensual, pouty voice aimed right at his phone:

"Hey, Eric, sweetie! Turn off that stupid phone and come back to bed!"

Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 04 Jun 12 - 09:56 AM

HOW DO YOU FIND THE RIGHT PERSON TO MARRY?

(Real answers written by grade-school kids.)

-You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10

-No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10


2. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10


3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8


4. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8


5. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
-Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8
(Isn't she a treasure?)

-On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10


6. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
-When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7

-The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
-- Curt, age 7

-The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8


7. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (Bless you, child!)


8. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8


And the #1 Favorite is .......


9. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.

-- Ricky, age 10

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: gnu
Date: 05 Jun 12 - 03:19 PM

Sorry if this is a repeat...

In church I heard a lady in the pew next to me saying a prayer.

It was so sweet and sincere that I just had to share with you:

Dear Lord,

This has been a tough two or three years ...

You have taken my favorite actor Patrick Swayze.

My favourite musician Michael Jackson.

My favourite salesman Billy Mays.

My favourite actress Elizabeth Taylor.

And now my favourite singer Whitney Houston.

I just wanted you to know that my favourite politician is Stephen Harper.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: HuwG
Date: 13 Jun 12 - 05:47 PM

Manchester Airport Security has just published its statistics for the last twelve months:

Terrorists discovered : 0
Transvestites : 133
Hernias : 1,485
Haemorrhoids : 3,172
Enlarged Prostates : 1,327
Breast Implants : 59,350
Natural Blondes : 3

It was also revealed that the 131 male Members of Parliament who passed through the airport scanners had no balls.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: frogprince
Date: 18 Jun 12 - 11:46 PM

The young blond woman had been married a while, and hoping to start a family. So she happily phoned a friend one morning and announced,"I just found out that I'm pregnant, and I'm having twins!". Her friend replied, "But how did you find out that it's twins so early?" The blond replied, "The pregnancy tests come in a package of two, and both of them read positive!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Peter the Squeezer
Date: 25 Jun 12 - 06:49 PM

I found this in some old papers of my Mother's.


The Gift


A young man wanted to purchase a Christmas gift for his new sweetheart as they had not been dating for very long. After careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike just the right note – romantic, but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to a department store, and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased pair of panties for herself.

During the gift wrapping, the shop assistant mixed up the items. The sister got the gloves, and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package, and sent it to his sweetheart along with this note.


"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short ones which are easier to remove.

"They are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me a pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks, and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me, and they looked really smart.

"I wish I could be there to put them on you for the first time, as no doubt other hands will come into contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow into them before putting them away, as they will be a little damp from wearing.

"Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.

All my love

PS – The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 02 Jul 12 - 10:42 AM

Remember Burma-Shave Signs?

To qualify as mature you need to recognize these.

For those who never saw any of the Burma Shave signs,
here is a quick lesson in our history of the 1930's, '40's and '50's.

Before there were interstates, when everyone drove the old two-lane roads, Burma Shave signs would be posted all over the countryside in farmers' fields. They were small red signs with white letters. Five signs, about 100 feet apart, each containing one line of a four line verse......and the obligatory 5th sign advertising Burma Shave, a popular shaving cream.

Here are more of the actual signs:


DON'T STICK YOUR ELBOW
OUT SO FAR
IT MAY GO HOME
IN ANOTHER CAR.
Burma Shave

TRAINS DON'T WANDER
ALL OVER THE MAP
'CAUSE NOBODY SITS
IN THE ENGINEER'S LAP
Burma Shave

SHE KISSED THE HAIRBRUSH
BY MISTAKE
SHE THOUGHT IT WAS
HER HUSBAND JAKE
Burma Shave

DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD
TO GAIN A MINUTE
YOU NEED YOUR HEAD
YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT
Burma Shave

DROVE TOO LONG
DRIVER SNOOZING
WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
IS NOT AMUSING
Burma Shave

BROTHER SPEEDER
LET'S REHEARSE
ALL TOGETHER
GOOD MORNING, NURSE
Burma Shave

CAUTIOUS RIDER
TO HER RECKLESS DEAR
LET'S HAVE LESS BULL
AND A LITTLE MORE STEER
Burma Shave

SPEED WAS HIGH
WEATHER WAS NOT
TIRES WERE THIN
X MARKS THE SPOT
Burma Shave

THE MIDNIGHT RIDE
OF PAUL FOR BEER
LED TO A WARMER
HEMISPHERE
Burma Shave

AROUND THE CURVE
LICKETY-SPLIT
BEAUTIFUL CAR
WASN'T IT?
Burma Shave

NO MATTER THE PRICE
NO MATTER HOW NEW
THE BEST SAFETY DEVICE
IN THE CAR IS YOU
Burma Shave

A GUY WHO DRIVES
A CAR WIDE OPEN
IS NOT THINKIN'
HE'S JUST HOPIN'
Burma Shave

AT INTERSECTIONS
LOOK EACH WAY
A HARP SOUNDS NICE
BUT IT'S HARD TO PLAY
Burma Shave

BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL
EYES ON THE ROAD
THAT'S THE SKILLFUL
DRIVER'S CODE
Burma Shave

THE ONE WHO DRIVES
WHEN HE'S BEEN DRINKING
DEPENDS ON YOU
TO DO HIS THINKING
Burma Shave

CAR IN DITCH
DRIVER IN TREE
THE MOON WAS FULL
AND SO WAS HE.
Burma Shave

PASSING SCHOOL ZONE
TAKE IT SLOW
LET OUR LITTLE
SHAVERS GROW
Burma Shave

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: radriano
Date: 02 Jul 12 - 01:42 PM

Here are a couple of jokes I just heard.

First, from my dentist:

What does a pirate charge to pierce ears?
Aaargh, it's a buck an ear!

Second, from a co-worker:

So a guy walks into his doctor's office. He's got an asparagus hanging out of one ear, a stalk of broccoli out of the other ear, and a carrot stick hanging out of his nose.

He says, "Doctor, doctor, you've got to help me!"

The doctor replies, "Well, to start off with - you're not eating right!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 13 Jul 12 - 12:58 PM

A true story recounted by someone just returned from a certain Greek island I'll be returning to soon:

Son needs to go to another island to present certificates to a College. Older brother will accompany him so they take the family car to the ferry port. Father will go down on scooter later and retrieve the car. Problem: when he gets there- they've forgotten to leave the car keys and are staying overnight. No problem: there are spare car keys in the safe back at the house. Problem: the safe key is on the same ring as the main car keys which are with the sons on the ferry...

RtS

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Michael
Date: 13 Jul 12 - 03:14 PM

One I heard today:
"What's the first sign of madness?"
"Suggs knocking at the front door"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 17 Jul 12 - 09:40 AM

LOVE, THROUGH THE EYES OF KIDS (Collected by Teachers from Kids, 6 to 10 years old.)

What Is The Proper Age To Get Married?

Eighty-four! Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom. (Judy, 8)

Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife! (Tom, 5)

What Do Most People Do On A Date?

On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. (Mike, 10)

When Is It OK To Kiss Someone?

You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding. (Jim, 10)

Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours. (Kally, 9)

It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble. (Kenny, 7)

Concerning Why Love Happens Between Two Particular People

No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular. (Jan, 9)

I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful. (Harlen, 8)

On What Falling In Love Is Like

Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life. (Roger, 9)

If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long. (Leo, 7)

On The Role Of Good Looks In Love

If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful. (Jeanne, 8)

It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet. (Gary, 7)

Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time. (Christine, 9)

Concerning Why Lovers Often Hold Hands

They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them. (Dave, 8)

Confidential Opinions About Love

I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The Simpsons' is on television. (Anita, 6)

Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me. (Bobby, 8)

I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough. (Regina, 10)

The Personal Qualities Necessary To Be A Good Lover

One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills. (Ava, 8)

Some Surefire Ways To Make A Person Fall In Love With You

Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores. (Del, 6)

Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love. (Alonzo, 9)

One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me. (Bart, 9)

How Can You Tell If Two Adults Eating Dinner At A Restaurant Are In Love?

Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in love. (John, 9)

Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food. (Brad, 8)

It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it's just like how their hearts are on fire. (Christine, 9)

What Most People Are Thinking When They Say I Love You

The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day. (Michelle, 9)

How A Person Learns To Kiss

You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you. (Doug, 7)

It might help to watch soap operas all day. (Carin, 9)

When Is It OK To Kiss Someone?

It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you. That's why I stopped doing it. (Jean, 10)

How To Make Love Endure

Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work. (Tom, 7)

Don't forget your wife's name. That will mess up the love. (Roger, 8)

"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash. (Randy, 8)

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: framus
Date: 17 Jul 12 - 11:36 PM

Dave, I think you have too much time on your hands!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Peter the Squeezer
Date: 30 Jul 12 - 04:29 PM

Seen on the front of a birthday card - picture of Stanley Matthews drinking out of the FA Cup some time in the 1950's.

Thinks bubble - "When David Beckham scores, I drink Becks. When Paul Scholes scores, I drink Skol. Thank goodness David Seaman is a goalkeeper!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 04 Aug 12 - 11:44 AM

Child Custody Battle

Tallahassee, Fla. -- A seven-year-old boy was at the center of a Tallahassee courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Florida State Seminoles Football Team.

"Why them?" the judge asked.

"Because," the kid said, "they can't beat anyone."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 04 Aug 12 - 02:51 PM

Wise Observations About How Life is Lived

I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

There is great need for a sarcasm font.

How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

Was learning cursive really necessary?

Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

Bad decisions make good stories.

You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection…again.

I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

Sometimes I'll look down at my watch three consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from three feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

Heal the past, live the present, dream the future..LIFE IS TOO SHORT!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 04 Aug 12 - 02:57 PM

Girlfriends Agree to Meet Over the Decades

A group of 15-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Dairy Queen next to the Ocean View restaurant because they had only $6.00 among them and Jimmy Johnson, the cute boy in Social Studies, lived on that street.

10 years later, the group of 25-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the beer was cheap, the restaurant offered free snacks, the band was good, there was no cover charge, and there were lots of cute guys.

10 years later, the group of 35-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the cosmos were good, it was right near the gym, and if they went late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.

10 years later, the group of 45-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the martinis were big and the waiters had tight pants and nice buns.

10 years later, the group of 55-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the prices were reasonable, the wine list was good, the restaurant had windows that could be opened (in case of hot flashes), and fish is good for cholesterol.

10 years later, the group of 65-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the lighting was good and the restaurant had early bird specials.

10 years later, the group of 75-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food was not too spicy and the restaurant was handicapped-accessible.

10 years later, the group of 85-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Peter the Squeezer
Date: 06 Aug 12 - 02:15 AM

Latest sailing result from the Olympics - Great Britain took the Gold, USA took the Silver, Somalia took an elderly couple from Weymouth beach.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Joe_F
Date: 06 Aug 12 - 11:25 PM

For those of a certain age:

Conductor: Why is that lantern hanging outside the upper berth?
Porter: Why, sir, you know the rule says you have to hang out a red lantern when the rear end of a sleeper is exposed.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 07 Aug 12 - 04:08 PM

Be Careful About Names

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Robert" or "Boy". I call mine "Sex".

When I went to the City Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex.   He said, "I'd like one of those too."   Then I said, "You don't understand. I've had Sex since I was nine years old." He said,"You must have been quite a kid!"

When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until the wedding was over. I said, "Bt Sex has played a big part in my life, and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on.

When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the hotel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me, and a special room for Sex. He said, "Every room in the place is for sex." I said, "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too."

One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me that I should have sold tickets. "But you don't understand, " I said, "I had hoped to have Sex on T.V." He called me a show-off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married." The judge said, "Me too." Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me. He said, "Me too."

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked,"What are you doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning?" I said, "I'm looking for sex."

My case comes up on Friday.

---

Well, now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced, and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why, just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend, but now it has left me forever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely," and the doctor said, "Look, Mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend, so get yourself a dog!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Joe_F
Date: 07 Aug 12 - 09:32 PM

When I was little, in California, that ran: Once there was a man named None of Your Business, and he had a wife named Shut Up, and a dog named Trouble....

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Joe_F
Date: 08 Aug 12 - 08:39 PM

For those of an even older age:

A burglar broke into the White House & surprised FDR in bed. He brandished his pistol & ordered "Get your head under the covers and don't make a sound". So the President did that, but scrunching up caused his rear end to stick out from under the side of the blanket.   Said the burglar, "That goes for you too, Farley!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 11 Aug 12 - 05:28 PM

A psychologist reports to (the source from which I got this) that: "When I recently visited my brother Jim, a family practitioner, I had some time to kill while he finished office hours. So I idly leafed through some patient 'charts' that were stacked on his desk. As you see, good writing runs in our family."

Actual Entries on Hospital Charts

Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the past three days.

Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

The skin was moist and dry.

Occasional constant infrequent headaches.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

Rectal examination revealed a normal-size thyroid.

She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

Skin: somewhat pale but present.

The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen, and I agree.

Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Joe_F
Date: 11 Aug 12 - 10:56 PM

"Anorexia for lunch" reminded me of the following:

Customer (exasperated by seeing the waiter continually scratch his ass): "Do you have hemorrhoids?"
Waither: "Only what's on the menu, sir."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 18 Aug 12 - 06:16 AM

"Dr Finlay, Dr Finlay, wad ye like a cup o' tea?"

"Oh for Christ's sake, Janet! Cannae a man tak a crap in peace roond here!?"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 19 Aug 12 - 09:34 PM

The Hormone Hostage

The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his very life into his own hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: It's my fault.
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some more chocolate.

So why did I write this? Well, my significant other, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy me diamonds.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Justa Picker
Date: 20 Aug 12 - 08:04 PM

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.. They get back to his place, And as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears and she is quite impressed by his sensitive side...but doesn't mention this to him. They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy Could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?' She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, 'Well, how was it?' The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:

'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf.'

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 21 Aug 12 - 10:17 AM

"Being at Home"

As a door-to-door salesman approached a
house on his route, he saw a small boy sitting
on the porch reading a book.

"Hi, sonny," he said. "Is your Mommy home?"

"Yes, sir," the boy replied, and went back to
reading.

The salesman rang the doorbell several times,
then resorted to knocking on the door. After
15 minutes of this with no response, he turned
to the boy.

"Hey, sonny," he said, "I thought you told me your
Mommy was home."

"I did, Mister," the boy replied, "As a matter of
fact, I see her watching you right now from
our living room window across the street."

--------


"Night Watchman"

A man got a job as a night watchman at a factory.
There had been a lot of thefts by the workers on the
night shift, so every morning when the night shift
workers passed through his gate it was his job to
check their bags and pockets to make sure that
nothing was being stolen.

Things were going along very well the first night on the
job until a man pushing a wheelbarrow of newspaper
came through his gate. Aha, he thought, that man
thinks he can cover up what he is stealing with that
newspaper. So he removed the paper only to find
nothing. Still he felt that the man was acting strangely,
so he questioned him about the paper.

"I get a little extra money from newspapers I recycle, so
I go into the lunchroom and pick up all the ones people
have thrown away." The guard let him pass, but decided
to keep a close eye on him.

The next night it was the same, and the night after that.
Week after week it went on. The same guy would push
the wheelbarrow of newspapers past the guard's
checkpoint. The guard would always check and find
nothing.

Then one night, about a year later, the guard reported
for work only to find a message had been left for him
telling him to report to his supervisor. He walked into
the supervisor's office and before he could say a word,
the boss said, "You're fired!"

"Fired?" he asked in total surprise. "Why? What did I do?"

"It was your job to make sure that no one stole anything
from this plant and you have failed. So you're fired."

"Wait a minute, what do you mean failed. Nobody ever
stole anything from this place while I was on guard."

"Oh, really," the boss answered. "Then how do you
account for the fact that there are 365 wheelbarrows
missing?"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: frogprince
Date: 21 Aug 12 - 11:37 AM

I think the wheelbarrow one was first told within a day of the invention of the wheelbarrow.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Mrrzy
Date: 21 Aug 12 - 11:09 PM

That hormones and chocolate one made me think of a couple of old ones...

*Why don't men get mad cow disease?
Because they are pigs.

*Why do they call it PMS?
Because mad cow disease was already taken.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 22 Aug 12 - 09:45 AM

"Golfer"

A golfer hit his drive on the first hole 300 yards
right down the middle. When it came down,
however, it hit a sprinkler and the ball went
sideways into the woods.

He was angry, but he went into the woods and
hit a very hard 2 iron which hit a tree and
bounced back straight at him. It hit him in the
temple and killed him.

He was at the Pearly Gates and St. Peter looked
at the big book and said, "I see you were a golfer;
is that correct?"

"Yes, I was," he replied.

St Peter then said, "Do you hit the ball a long way?"

The golfer replied, "You bet. After all, I got here in 2,
didn't I?"

-------------


"At the Pearly Gates"

A guy arrives at the pearly gates, waiting to be
admitted. St. Peter is reading through the Big Book
to see if the guy's name is written in it. After several
minutes, St. Peter closes the book, furrows his brow,
and says, "I'm sorry, I don't see your name written in
the Book."

"How current is your copy?" he asks.

"I get a download every ten minutes," St. Peter replies.
"Why do you ask?"

"I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was always the
stubborn type. It was not until my death was imminent
that I cried out to God, so my name probably hasn't
arrived to your copy yet."

"I'm glad to hear that," St. Peter says, "but while we're
waiting for the update to come through, can tell me
about a really good deed that you did in your life?"

The guys thinks for a moment and says, "Hmm... Well
there was this one time when I was drivin' down a
road and I saw a giant group of biker gang members
harassing this poor girl. I slowed down, and sure
enough, there they were, about twenty of 'em torturing
this poor woman.

Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of
my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang. He
was a huge guy; 6-foot-4, 260 pounds, with a studded
leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his
ears. As I walked up to the leader, the bikers formed a
circle around me and told me to get lost or I'd be next.

"So I ripped the leader's chain out of his face and smashed
him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around
and yelled to the rest of them, "Leave this poor innocent
girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals!
Go home before I really teach you a lesson in PAIN!"

St. Peter, duly impressed, says "Wow! When did this
happen?"

"About three minutes ago."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 26 Aug 12 - 02:53 PM

"Train Whistle"

A fellow who had spent his whole life in the desert
came to visit a friend. He'd never seen a train or
the tracks they run on.

While standing in the middle of the railroad tracks
one day, he heard this whistle -- Whooee da Whoee! -
- but didn't know what it was.

Predictably, he was hit and thrown to the side of the
tracks. It was only a glancing blow, so he was
fortunate to receive some minor internal injuries,
a few broken bones, and some bruises.

After weeks in the hospital recovering, he was at his
friend's house, attending a party one evening. While
in the kitchen, he suddenly heard the tea kettle
whistling. He grabbed a baseball bat from the nearby
closet and proceeded to batter and bash the tea
kettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal.

His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushed into the kitchen,
saw what had happened, and asked, "Why'd you ruin my
good tea kettle?"

The desert man replied, "Man, you gotta kill these
things when they're small!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Dead Horse
Date: 28 Aug 12 - 12:55 PM

FINALLY,SOMEONE HAS CLEARED THIS UP.

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads.

Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian embassy in Ottawa has recently revealed the true story.

When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union.

On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a corner shop, a petrol station, a curry house, a taxi cab, or an old peoples home in the UK.

If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with BT technical advice.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: GUEST,CrazyEddie
Date: 29 Aug 12 - 05:30 AM

Well, as a mere "guest" I don't suppose my opinion counts for much; but for whatever it's worth, I find the previous "joke" in very poor taste.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Midchuck
Date: 29 Aug 12 - 06:55 AM

Well, as a mere "guest" I don't suppose my opinion counts for much; but for whatever it's worth, I find the previous "joke" in very poor taste.

Yes. POOR TASTE IS OF THE ESSENCE OF "FUNNY."

Obsession with good taste destroys humor.

IMO, of course. But my opinion is a direct revelation from the Divine. (Hey, if fundamentalist preachers can make that claim, why can't I?)

Peter

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 29 Aug 12 - 07:34 AM

I tend more to eddie's view ~~ found it a bit embarrassing - & not in a haha way...

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 29 Aug 12 - 08:59 AM

"Good News"

"I have good news and bad news," a defense
attorney told his client.

"First the bad news. The blood test came back,
and your DNA is an exact match with that
found at the crime scene."

"Oh, no!" cried the client. "What's the good news?"

"Your cholesterol is only 140."


--------------

"Shingles"

A fellow walked into a doctor's office and the
receptionist asked him what he had.

He said, "I've got shingles."

So she took down his name, address, and medical
insurance number and told him to have a seat.

A few minutes later a nurse's aid came out and
asked him what he had.

He said, "Shingles."

So she took down his height, weight, and a
complete medical history and told him to wait in
the examining room.

Ten minutes later a nurse came in and asked him
what he had.

He said, "Shingles."

So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test,
and an electrocardiogram and told him to take off
all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

Fifteen minutes later the doctor came in and asked
him what he had.

He said, "Shingles."

The doctor said, "Where?"

He said, "Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Joe_F
Date: 29 Aug 12 - 08:51 PM

Death has one thing to be said for it:
You don't have to get out of bed for it.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 08 Sep 12 - 04:37 PM

Darwin Strikes Again

Police responding to a house burglary in Tulsa, Okla., were given a description of the suspect and shown which way he ran. They quickly spotted Edward Jerome McBride, 37, and watched as he dove into the Arkansas River. they began ordering the suspect to get out of the river, but the suspect continued carrying the bag [of loot] and swimming farther from shore," a police spokesman said. Then McBride started calling for help. Two officers jumped in to try to rescue him, but they were too late — he drowned. McBride couldn't swim very well because the duffel bag he was dragging weighed 55 pounds. Even though he dropped it before going under, he had "a significant amount" of jewelry stuffed into his cargo pants pockets dragging him down. (Tulsa World) . . .

Just another crook overwhelmed by weight of the evidence.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 11 Sep 12 - 06:07 PM

Dog in the Train Seat

The train was quite crowded, so a U.S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, having finally been allowed to go home after his fourth long tour in Afghanistan. Unfortunately, the only seat left was taken by the poodle of a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat!"

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.

"Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word. He just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

"Someone must defend my honor!" the woman shrieked. "This American should be put in his place!"

"Sir," an English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, much to the relief of the woman. "You Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 25 Sep 12 - 08:44 AM

"Identity Dreams"

"Doc - I think I'm losing it " he says. "I'm forever
dreaming I wrote The Lord of the Rings."

"Hmmm. One moment", replies the doctor,
consulting his medical records. "Ah yes, now I see,
.... you've been Tolkien in your sleep."

-----------


"Taste of Carp"

A chef was experimenting with ways to
improve the taste of carp.

He found that mixing herbs and spices with
shortening made a big difference. But timing
is critical.

So when the chef received a phone call, he
said he couldn't talk, explaining: "I left my
carp in saffron Crisco."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Peter the Squeezer
Date: 28 Sep 12 - 05:40 PM

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle.


From the Daily News comes this story of a Leicester couple.......... who drove their car to ASDA (WalMart to US people), only to have their car break down in the car park.


The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car.


The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from under the chassis. Unfortunately, although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned his private parts into glaringly public ones..


Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward,quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.


On regaining her feet, she looked across the bonnet and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by watching.


The AA mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: GUEST
Date: 08 Oct 12 - 06:14 AM

Backstage at the Jubilee concert, Jessie J said to Rolf Harris, "Are you the bloke from the 70's who did 2 little boys? "
Rolf said, "No, that was Gary Glitter"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 31 Oct 12 - 09:30 AM

"Spelling Bee"

Little Johnny was participating in a spelling
bee during class. He had to spell the word
and use it in a sentence. The teacher asked
him to please spell the word EAR.

Little Johnny stood up and proudly said EAR,
E-A-R.

Then to use it in a sentence, he pretended to
take a big hit off a joint, and while pretending
to have his lungs full of smoke, he passed the
pretend joint to little Suzy, and said...

"Ear."


----------------

"Priorities"

The two teenagers were arrested for public
lewdness and possession of marijuana when
they were found naked, each smoking a
joint, sitting on the edge of the fountain in
the town square.

The arresting officer told them they were
entitled to a phone call, since he was
unable to reach either parent.

Some time later, a man entered the station
and the sergeant said, "I suppose you're the
kids' lawyer."

"Nope," the chap replied. "I'm just here to
deliver them a pizza."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: saulgoldie
Date: 31 Oct 12 - 10:10 AM

Two people--I dunno, could be two guys or two gals, or...whatever--walk into a bar. The first one orders H2O. The second one orders H2O, too, and dies. (If you don't geddit, ask me.)

An infinite number of mathematicians walks in to a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders 1/2 a beer. The third one orders 1/4th of a beer. The fourth one orders 1/8th of a beer. Before the fifth one can order, the barkeep says, "You are all a bunch of idiots!" and he pours out two beers.

Both of these courtesy of "I Fucking Love Science."

Saul

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 31 Oct 12 - 11:18 AM

Little Johnny got sent home from school, his mother says ' the headmaster told me you used the C word in class, ' ' that wasn't clever was it ? '

Johnny, no it was cunt.

Dave H

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Bill D
Date: 31 Oct 12 - 01:44 PM

"The second one orders H2O, too, and dies"

But he died with all his skin infections cleared up.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Joe_F
Date: 31 Oct 12 - 09:12 PM

Mr DaveO's first one reminds me of the Cockney who was doing find in a spelling bee until he made an embarrassing mistaking spelling "auspice".

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Mrrzy
Date: 01 Dec 12 - 04:58 PM

Did you ever tell a chemistry joke... and get no reaction?

Come on, cats, we only have a month to make this one too long to be the *only* Joke Thread of 2012...

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 03 Dec 12 - 09:55 AM

FIFTY SHEDS OF GREY



We tried various positions - round the back, on the side, up against a wall... But in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed.　

She stood before me, trembling in my shed. "I'm yours for the night," she gasped, "You can do whatever you want with me."　So I took her to McDonald's.　



She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder until finally it came. I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.　

Ever since she read THAT book, I've had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles.　She still manages to get into the shed, though.

　
"Put on this rubber suit and mask," I instructed, calmly. "Mmmm, kinky!" she purred.　"Yes," I said, "You can't be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof."　

"I'm a very naughty girl," she said, biting her lip. "I need to be punished."　So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.　

"Harder!" she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. "Harder!"　"Okay," I said. "What's the gross national product of Nicaragua?"　

I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window.　Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.　

"Are you sure you can take the pain?" she demanded, brandishing stilettos.　"I think so," I gulped. "Here we go, then," she said, and showed me the receipt.　

"Hurt me!" she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.　"Very well," I replied. "You've got fat ankles and no dress sense."　

"Are you sure you want this?" I asked. "When I'm done, you won't be able to sit down for weeks."　She nodded."Okay," I said, putting the three-piece suite on eBay.　

"Punish me!" she cried. "Make me suffer like only a real man can!"　"Very well," I replied, leaving the loo seat up.　


        
RtS

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 08 Dec 12 - 12:10 PM

Triplet Honeymoons

A mother had triplet daughters and, sure enough, they all got married the same day. On their wedding night, mom tells each one to write back about their married life. To avoid possible embarrassment to their new husbands by openly discussing their love lives, the mother and daughters agree to use newspaper advertisements as a "code" to let the mother know how their love lives are going.

Two days later the letters start to arrive from the various honeymoon destination spots.

The first one has the simple message: "Maxwell House Coffee". The mother gets the newspaper and checked the Maxwell House advertisement, and it says, "Satisfaction to the last drop." Mother is very happy.

The next day she gets the second letter. It reads: "Rothman's Mattresses". So the mother looks at the Rothman's Mattresses ad and it's headlined, "Full Size, King Size". And the mother is happy.

But she waits and waits for the third letter. It finally arrives after three weeks and has the message: "British Airways". Mother is at first perplexed, and when she finally finds the British Airways ad she fainted. The ad read:

"Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 08 Dec 12 - 12:38 PM

A man offered a drink to his neighbour at the pub bar. "No thanks," he said; "I only drink softs. As to alcohol: tried it once. Didn't like it."

"Oh. Cigarette?"

"No thanks. Don't smoke. Tried it once. Didn't like it."

"Oh. Well how about a coffee?"

"No thanks. Can't take caffeine. Tried it once. Didn't like it."

"Ah," [searching for conversational topic]. "I wonder, would you care for a round of   golf some time?"

"Sorry, don't play golf. Tried it once. Didn't like it.. You'll have to excuse me," he added, glancing at his watch. "Have to go. My son is expecting me."

"Your only son, I presume."

~M~

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Joe_F
Date: 08 Dec 12 - 06:02 PM

Likewise: A census taker came to the house of a couple of Scottish Presbyterians. Married 10 years. Children: ages 5, 6, 7, 8, and 9. "You were having them pretty regularly for a while," says the census taker. "Yes, sir," says the husband. "Then we found out what was causing it."

*

Unclear on the concept: This was on the Web a few days ago as a true story. After lecturing on figures of speech (metaphor, simile, etc.), the teacher invited her pupils to come up with examples of their own. One of them was "He was as tall as a 6-foot 2-inch tree".

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 09 Dec 12 - 10:56 AM

A census taker approaches a cabin in the Ozarks. He notices three pairs of twins playing in the yard. He says to the woman of the house: "Goodness! Do you get twins every time?"

She answers, "Heck, no! Most of the time I don't get nothin' atall."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 10 Dec 12 - 05:40 PM

"The Fabulous Golf Ball"

These two guys were approaching the first tee.
The first guy goes into his golf bag to get a ball
and says to his friend, "Hey, why don't you try this
ball?"

He draws a green golf ball out of his bag. "You can't
lose it."

His friend replies, "What do you mean, 'You can't lose it'?"

The first man replies, "I'm serious, you can't lose it. If you
hit it into the woods, it makes a beeping sound, if you hit
it into the water it produces bubbles, and if you hit it
on the fairway, smoke comes up in order for you to find it."

Obviously, his friend doesn't believe him, but he shows
him all the possibilities until he is convinced.

The friend says, "Wow! That's incredible! Where did you
get that ball?"

The man replies, "I found it."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Dead Horse
Date: 11 Dec 12 - 03:22 PM

A man went to harley Street in London having seen an ad for a Gynaecologist's Assistant.

Naturally interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.

The clerk pulled up the file and read;

"The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynaecologist. "

"You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and
gently shave off their pubic hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynaecologist's examination."

"The annual salary is £65,000, and if you're interested you'll have to go to Newcastle "

" My God, is that where the job is?" asked the man.

She answered:

"No Sir, that's where the end of the queue is."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Dead Horse
Date: 11 Dec 12 - 03:25 PM

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, "I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer" the father says."We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her."

Franticly, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like hell they're getting divorced!" she shouts, "I'll take care of this!"

She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Sorted! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way.'

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 12 Dec 12 - 02:34 PM

"I say, I say, I say - did I see you eating peas from a ladle?"

"That was no ladle, that was my knife."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: GUEST,DaveA
Date: 15 Dec 12 - 08:21 PM

The only thing my wife wears to bed is coconut oil.
Fine for several reasons, but when she turns the electric blanket on she smells like a Malaysian restaurant.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 16 Dec 12 - 11:30 AM

"Sahara Desert"

A Canadian lumber camp advertises for a
lumberjack.

A skinny little guy shows up at the camp the next
day carrying an axe. The head lumberjack takes
one look at the puny little guy and tells him to
get lost.

"Give me a chance to show you what I can do,"
says the skinny guy.

"Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" says
the head lumberjack. "Take your axe and cut it
down."

The guy heads for the tree, and in five minutes he's
knocking on the lumberjack's door.

"I cut the tree down," says the guy.

The lumberjack can't believe his eyes and says,
"Where did you learn to chop down trees like that?"

"In the Sahara Forest," says the puny man.

"You mean the Sahara Desert," says the lumberjack.

"Sure......!! That's what they call it now!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: GUEST,999
Date: 16 Dec 12 - 11:39 AM

A Man on his Harley

                A man on his Harley was riding along a New Brunswick beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice God said, 'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.' The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Prince Edward Island so I can ride over anytime I want.'

                God replied, 'Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Atlantic and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'

                The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.


                God replied, 'Do you want two lanes or four on that bridge?

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: GUEST,pete from seven stars link
Date: 17 Dec 12 - 08:26 AM

i,ve seen that one before bruce,but still makes me smile - and identify!

it was christmas and the judge was in festive mood
"what are you charged with?"
defendant
"doing my christmas shopping early"
judge
"thats not an offence-how early were you doing this christmas shopping?
defendant
"before the store opened!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 22 Dec 12 - 11:12 AM

The Night Before Christmas -- for the Politically Correct

'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves",
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.

The labor conditions at the North Pole,
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, with nary a clue,
Except the graffiti from "Wildlife Rescue".

And Equal Employment had made it quite clear,
That Santa had better use more than reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with four pigs -- and you know that looked stupid!

The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous folks at OSHA.
And people had started to call for the cops,
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.

Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."
And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing for unauthorized use of his nose.

He went on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in overdue compensation.
And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.

Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.
Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.

Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls, or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender-specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacifistic.

No candy or sweets -- they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and his boyfriend (better off hidden).

For they raised the hackles of those psychological,
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.
No baseball, no football -- someone could get hurt!
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.

Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passé;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.
So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.

He tried to be merry, he tried to be gay,
(But you've got to be careful with that word these days.)
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.

Something special was needed, a gift that he might,
Give to all without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;

Every ethnicity, and every hue,
Everyone, everywhere, perhaps even you.
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth:
"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on this Earth."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: GUEST,999
Date: 22 Dec 12 - 11:29 AM

As you well know, some of us have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from an occasional social evening over the years.

A couple of nights ago, I was out with friends and had a couple of cocktails and some rather nice red wine.

Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a cab home.

Sure enough, I passed a police road block but, since it was a cab, they waved it through.

I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise because I'd never driven a cab before and am not sure where I got it or what to do with it now that it's in my garage.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Bill D
Date: 22 Dec 12 - 06:49 PM

It is always a good thing to be careful going home from events during the holidays when imbibing a bit more than usual. I was at a party the other night and when I started home, I knew I needed to be extra careful. I took it slow & easy, and made decent progress and would have been fine... but just as I rounded the last corner, someone stepped on my fingers!

(courtesy George Goble, about 1957)

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 23 Dec 12 - 02:27 PM

The Night Before Christmas -- for General Aviators

Twas the night before Christmas, and out on the ramp,
Not an airplane was stirring, not even a Champ.
The aircraft were fastened to tiedowns with care,
In hopes that come morning, they all would be there.

The fuel trucks were nestled, all snug in their spots,
With gusts from two-forty at 39 knots.
I slumped at the fuel desk, now finally caught up,
And settled down comfortably, resting my butt.

When the radio lit up with noise and with chatter,
I turned up the scanner to see what was the matter.
A voice clearly heard over static and snow,
Called for clearance to land at the airport below.

He barked his transmission so lively and quick,
I'd have sworn that the call sign he used was "St. Nick".
I ran to the panel to turn up the lights,
The better to welcome this magical flight.

He called his position, no room for denial,
"St. Nicholas One, turnin' left onto final."
And what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a Rutan-built sleigh, with eight Rotax Reindeer!

With vectors to final, down the glideslope he came,
As he passed all fixes, he called them by name:
"Now Ringo! Now Tolga! Now Trini and Bacun!
On Comet! On Cupid!" What pills was he takin'?

While controllers were sittin', and scratchin' their head,
They phoned to my office, and I heard it with dread,
The message they left was both urgent and dour:
"When Santa pulls in, have him please call the tower."

He landed like silk, with the sled runners sparking,
Then I heard "Left at Charlie," and "Taxi to parking."
He slowed to a taxi, turned off of three-oh
And stopped on the ramp with a "Ho, ho-ho-ho..."

He stepped out of the sleigh, but before he could talk,
I ran out to meet him with my best set of chocks.
His red helmet and goggles were covered with frost
And his beard was all blackened from Reindeer exhaust.

His breath smelled like peppermint, gone slightly stale,
And he puffed on a pipe, but he didn't inhale.
His cheeks were all rosy and jiggled like jelly,
His boots were as black as a cropduster's belly.

He was chubby and plump, in his suit of bright red,
And he asked me to "fill it, with hundred low-lead."
He came dashing in from the snow-covered pump,
I knew he was anxious for drainin' the sump.

I spoke not a word, but went straight to my work,
And I filled up the sleigh, but I spilled like a jerk.
He came out of the restroom, and sighed in relief,
Then he picked up a phone for a Flight Service brief.

And I thought as he silently scribed in his log,
These reindeer could land in an eighth-mile fog.
He completed his pre-flight, from the front to the rear,
Then he put on his headset, and I heard him yell, "Clear!"

And laying a finger on his push-to-talk,
He called up the tower for clearance and squawk.
"Take taxiway Charlie, the southbound direction,
Turn right three-two-zero at pilot's discretion"

He sped down the runway, the best of the best,
"Your traffic's a Grumman, inbound from the west."
Then I heard him proclaim, as he climbed thru the night,
"Merry Christmas to all! I have traffic in sight."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Joe_F
Date: 23 Dec 12 - 07:40 PM

What did the wise men say to Jesus?
"These are for Christmas and your birthday both."