BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Bainbo
Date: 22 Dec 15 - 09:34 AM

GUEST 04:51 – You're right. Anonymous posting is a blessing. Your joke would only work if Barcelona was in the Basque Country. Which it isn't.

If you're planning on re-telling it a lot, to make yourself the life and soul of the Christmas season, try substituting Bilbao.

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Donuel
Date: 22 Dec 15 - 09:00 AM

Young Donald bought an oil lamp at a NYC antique store. At home he was having fits that his dad had refused to lend him money and began furiously rubbing the lamp when a Genie appeared out of vapor and exclaimed "I'll be a son of a bitch !!"
" I will grant you one wish so make it a good one. "
Donald said, my BIG mouth has always gotten me in so much trouble so from now on no matter what I say I want to be wildly successful with all women, with all business and anything else I desire.

"IT IS DONE!
and now a warning, if you ever apologize it will all be undone."

Forty years later old Trump finds himself at the Presidential Debate screaming at Hillary to apologize.

Hillary says something but it seems her mike is off.
Donald screams "I CAN'T HEAR YOU!"
Hillary appears to say something again.
"I CAN'T HEAR YOU" yells Donald.
Hillary looks right at Donald and says something.
" I'M SORRY I CAN"T... Donald's head instantly vaporizes leaving only some perfectly styled hair on his neck.
Hillary's mike goes back on picking up her remark
'I'll be a son of a bitch."

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: clueless don
Date: 22 Dec 15 - 08:23 AM

Bill D, here's another one from Boy's Life, probably from the 60s:

"Whenever I'm down in the dumps, I buy a new hat."
"Oh, so that's where you get them!"

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: GUEST
Date: 21 Dec 15 - 04:51 PM

A cinema in Barcelona burned to the ground whilst screening a film to a packed audience. The police said most perished in the stampede to the only way out.

Don't put all your basques in one exit.

Anonymous posting is a blessing.

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: GUEST,Ian
Date: 21 Dec 15 - 02:37 PM

A man went into the doctors complaining he couldn't hear.

The doctor looked and he had jelly in one ear and custard in the other

The doctor said I'm afraid you're a trifle deaf!

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: cnd
Date: 21 Dec 15 - 01:23 PM

While riding home from work, a Yuppie businessman suddenly realizes it's his wedding anniversary. He hightails it to a florist's shop, arriving five minutes before the store's closing. Unable to remember his wife's favorite type of flower, the harried exec allows the sales clerk to sell him a miniature palm tree. As he pulls into his driveway, he suddenly remembers the elusive kind of flowers – anemones – but, too late.
When he presents his wife the palm, he says "Happy Anniversary, honey. I'm sorry I didn't get you your favorite flowers." "No problem," responds the elated wife, "with fronds like this , who needs anemones!"

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 21 Dec 15 - 12:48 PM

Oh, but everyone knows the old·uns are the best.
.,,.

"I say, old chap, did I really see you eating peas out of a ladle?"

"That was no ladle; that was my knife!"

≈M≈

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Louie Roy
Date: 21 Dec 15 - 12:44 PM

I saw a little boy going down the road with his teenie weenie wagon

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: John on the Sunset Coast
Date: 21 Dec 15 - 11:11 AM

Jim Carroll--You must be really old, or no bad joke ever dies. I heard the Rarry Bird story way back in the the 1950s.

Along those lines from the same period:
One of the deadliest of avians is the Foo Bird. You will die if you're hit by its droppings and wipe it off. Advice: If the Foo shits wear it.

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Mrrzy
Date: 21 Dec 15 - 01:11 AM

Doctor, why do you have a rectal thermometer behind your ear?

Oh, some asshole's got my pencil.

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: beeliner
Date: 20 Dec 15 - 09:04 PM

This is the worst one I've ever heard:

"A mental hospital in northern California's facilities were deemed to be obsolete, so it was closed down.

The inmates/patients were loaded into an airplane to be taken to a more up-to-date facility in the southern part of the state.

Halfway through the flight, engine trouble developed, the plane went down, and the pilot and co-pilot were killed."

End of story. Then the listener almost always asks, "What about the patients?"

"Oh, they were OK - they were bats!"

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Tattie Bogle
Date: 20 Dec 15 - 07:33 PM

Anaesthetist in the Intensive Care Unit says to unconscious patient on a ventilator: "Terribly sorry Mr X, we need your plug for the ward Christmas tree lights".

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: GUEST
Date: 20 Dec 15 - 07:00 PM

Man goes into the Dr's office with a carrot stuck in his ear and a string bean hanging out of his nose and says "Doc, I'm not feeling well". The Doctor replies, "To begin with, you're not eating right."

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Bill D
Date: 20 Dec 15 - 04:29 PM

..... and so, the turtle says, "Have you seen my new people-neck sweater?"
                   from Boy's Life about 65 years ago.

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Mrrzy
Date: 20 Dec 15 - 02:27 PM

What's white and crawls up your leg? Uncle Ben's perverted rice!

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Mr Red
Date: 20 Dec 15 - 02:18 PM

A man goes into a psychiatrist's and takes off his hat, revealing a plate of egg and chips. He say "I'm terribly worried about my brother"

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: GUEST,Guest from Sanity
Date: 20 Dec 15 - 12:26 PM

Hey, this was supposed to be a thread about 'bad jokes'...and that one was funny!!!

GfS

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 20 Dec 15 - 11:37 AM

What's green and melts when the sun comes out?



Frosty the Snotman.

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 20 Dec 15 - 11:10 AM

What's the difference between a stoat and a weasel?
One's weasily recognised and the other's stoatally different.

Long one shortened:
Man comes home from an exhibition with an egg he's been given by Indians in the Amazonian Jungle - he had been informed that it belonged to the Rary Bird.
He puts in on display on his sideboard and one morning he comes down to find it had hatched into a somewhat ugly but rather large chick which eventually grown into a massive flightless bird
The bird follows him around wherever he goes, eats everything it is given and eventually fills the entire room with its enormous bulk, so the man's wife tells him it will have to go.
He managed to manhandle it onto the back of his truck and he drives off until eventually he comes to a river running through a deep ravine -
He backs the truck up to the edge of the ravine and gets out to let down the back flap in order to tip the bird into the river.
The bird looks at him with large, soulful eyes and says, "that's a long way to tip a Rary".
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Bill D
Date: 20 Dec 15 - 10:52 AM

Psychiatrist "So... how can I help you?"

Patient on couch mumbles something in a low voice: ......................

Psychiatrist:"What was that?"

Patient:" I said, I don't see why people don't like me! Open your ears, fathead!"

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Michael
Date: 20 Dec 15 - 06:51 AM

There aint...

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 20 Dec 15 - 05:00 AM

Watch it Dave, before you get [Saint] Nicked for breach of the Sanity Clause!

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 20 Dec 15 - 03:32 AM

I don't give a shit who you are fatso, get them fucking reindeer off my roof !

Dave H

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: GUEST,Guest from Sanity
Date: 20 Dec 15 - 02:21 AM

Guy walks into a psychiatrist' office and says, "Doc, no one will talk to me."

Doctor says, "Next."


Guy walks into a psychiatrist' office and says, Doc, my physician says I only have 6 months to live, what should I do?"

Doctor says, "Wanna sell your watch?"

GfS

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: cnd
Date: 19 Dec 15 - 11:56 PM

I just put it here because it's probably the best corny joke I can think of. Which could either mean it's a decent corny joke or a really corny joke. I'll let you decide which one you want it to be.

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: John on the Sunset Coast
Date: 19 Dec 15 - 11:47 PM

CND, I told a similar story with that same punchline at Sat. A.M. coffee group today. Great wits and all that. Am I at least half right?

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: cnd
Date: 19 Dec 15 - 11:26 PM

Ivan and Natasha are walking down the street in Soviet Russia. As they are walking, it begins to rain. Ivan turns to Natasha and says, "Hey look Natasha, it's starting to snow." "No," Natasha says, "it's merely raining." The couple continues to walk, debating whether it's raining or snowing. Finally, they pass their factory, where they see Officer Rudolph, a member of the KGB. "Rudolph," Ivan calls out, "is it raining or snowing?" "Raining, comrade," Rudolph responds. "See, honey?" Natasha asks, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

Subject: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: LadyJean
Date: 19 Dec 15 - 10:56 PM

The local post office only had 3 people on duty this morning. The one at the counter was new at her job. I had a 90 minute wait. It was improved by one nice guy, who told a bunch of awful jokes. I thought I'd share a few.

What do Elves learn in school?
The elphabet.

How do you tell a snow man from a snow woman?
Snowballs.

A man walked into a psychiatrist's office with a frog on his head.   The psychiatrist asked, "can I help you?" The frog said, "Yes, get that man off my butt."