Jokes in worst possible taste

Subject: RE: Jokes in worst possible taste
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 21 Apr 22 - 04:07 PM

Well you certainly achieved "the worst possible taste" part of the thread title...

I was having dinner with my boss and his wife said, ‘How many potatoes would you like, Steve?’ I said ‘Ooh, I’ll just have one please.’ She said ‘It’s OK, you don’t have to be polite.’ ‘All right,’ I said, ‘I’ll just have one then, you stupid cow.’

Subject: RE: Jokes in worst possible taste
From: Donuel
Date: 21 Apr 22 - 11:51 AM

Ode to Jeffery Epstien
or how man is torn between the etheral abstract beauty of the world and the fetid rotteness of his glands.
sung to
The Sheik of Carabean:

Over the sea of Florida
he flys and sails by 'naughtica'
With pimps at his command
he has a vile caravan
He sings to girls as they ride
and then runs away to hide

Clothes all fade by dawn
and soon they will be gone.
The captured child brides
clutched to his shriveled side
Swift as the wind they will fly
Proudly he scorns their smile of fear
Soon he conquers girls so dear.
He is the Sheik of Carabean
razamataz

He sings; I'm the Sheik of Carabean
Your love belongs to me
At night when you're asleep
into your tent I'll creep
The stars that shine above
will light my way to love
I rule the land and sea
I'm the Sheik of Carabean

(Jeffery smirks and winks)

Subject: RE: Jokes in worst possible taste
From: Donuel
Date: 17 Apr 22 - 02:45 PM

The Mafia's favorite drink was always two shots and a splash.

Subject: RE: Jokes in worst possible taste
From: Bill D
Date: 17 Apr 22 - 09:01 AM

A farmer is out plowing when his 10 year old son comes down to the edge of the field and motions him over.
"Hey Paw. Mom says to come up to the house, 'cause the preacher's here."
"Uhh.. which preacher?", the farmer asks.
"I don't know." says the boy.

   "Well, I've got 2 more rows to finish, so you go back quick and ask. If it's the Methodist guy, you take that tin with our grocery money and put it in the closet. If it's the Catholic, you take my jug of likker and hide it under my bed..... and if it's that Baptist from town, you just sit on your mother's lap till I get there."

Subject: RE: Jokes in worst possible taste
From: Bill D
Date: 17 Apr 22 - 08:45 AM

I'm told this was my grandmother's favorite joke...

A young couple go into a movie theater and take seats way at the back.
After a while, stifled giggles arise from their location. Then louder, uncontrolled giggles.
   Finally, an usher hears them and goes over to the area and leans over the young lady and asks.. "Pardon me, m'am... are you feeling hysterical"
..and she giggled back.."No...he's feeling mine!"

Subject: RE: Jokes in worst possible taste
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 17 Apr 22 - 06:16 AM

I think that the template for the perfect bad-taste joke is Billy Connolly's one about his mate who'd buried his dead wife in the garden, leaving her bum sticking up above ground. When asked why he'd left her bum sticking out, he protested that he had to have somewhere to park his bike... (Billy tells it better, but it's been on so many repeats!)

Subject: RE: Jokes in worst possible taste
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 17 Apr 22 - 04:01 AM

What were the last words, heard by NASA control, from the Challenger Space Shuttle?


"Go on, let her drive. It won't do any harm."


DC

Subject: RE: Jokes in worst possible taste
From: Mrrzy
Date: 17 Apr 22 - 02:54 AM

I remember How do you make a cat go "woof!" and it involved setting it on fire...

After the Challenger: did you know Christy McCauliffe's eyes were blue? Yeah, one blew that way and one blew another.
Also: what does NASA stand for? Need Another Seven Astronauts.
Also (which was a MOVE joke too) How many astronauts can you fit in a VW bug? 2 in the front, 2 in the back, and 7 [11, for MOVE] in the ashtray.
Also: what were Christy McCauliffe's last words? No! Bud light! (You have to have watched commercial TV to get that one.)

Subject: RE: Jokes in worst possible taste
From: Raedwulf
Date: 16 Apr 22 - 08:29 AM

Steve - as Bonzo (as per usual) is proving... Nope! ;-)

Subject: RE: Jokes in worst possible taste
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 16 Apr 22 - 06:02 AM

If a bear takes a dump in the forest, and there's no philosopher there to hear it, is the bear relieved?

Subject: RE: Jokes in worst possible taste
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 15 Apr 22 - 05:51 PM

Well you can have a joke that's in bad taste, but if a joke doesn't make you laugh is it actually a joke at all?

Subject: RE: Jokes in worst possible taste
From: Bonzo3legs
Date: 15 Apr 22 - 01:32 PM

What’s wrong with a gay bbq?

All the hotdogs taste like shit

Subject: RE: Jokes in worst possible taste
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 15 Apr 22 - 01:21 PM

I sat watching a video one night when I was with my ex wife. She was baking in the kitchen. I started to shout... 'No No don't do it, it's a trap'!!!! She shouted 'What are you watching'?......... I replied 'Oh just our wedding video'

Subject: RE: Jokes in worst possible taste
From: Raedwulf
Date: 15 Apr 22 - 12:52 PM

I'm slightly surprised this one was never posted (though not at all surprised at all the hand-wringing at the top of the thread).

Q: What's got four legs and goes "Woof"?

A: Piper Alpha.*

* The Piper Alpha oil rig in the North Sea exploded & burnt in July 88. 165 men on board, plus 2 rescue workers, died. Only 61 escaped. The joke, as I recall, appeared within a day or two.

I don't know how widespread this phenomenon is; I doubt it's a peculiarly British trait; but it certainly acts as a... I'm reluctant to say "coping" mechanism, because most people aren't affected by such disasters. It's not macabre, ghoulish, or Schadenfreude, let alone "sick". It IS black humour, it's a way of dealing with the fact that something dreadful has happened. After Princess Di died, there was a "cut & shut" joke quickly doing the rounds ("cut & shut" refers to the illegal practice of welding the undamaged front end of a wrecked car to the undamaged back end of another; the Ford Princess was a model made up to about 1981, so it was still a familiar name to the British in the late 90's).

I wonder how widespread this trait is? Is it only British, North European / Germanic, or more universal?

Subject: RE: Jokes in worst possible taste
From: Bonzo3legs
Date: 15 Apr 22 - 11:03 AM

If only Africa had more mosquito nets, it would save millions of mosquitos dying needlessly of AIDS every year!!!

Subject: RE: Jokes in worst possible taste
From: Mrrzy
Date: 15 Apr 22 - 01:57 AM

I missed the popcorn answer in 2014, thanks!

Subject: RE: Jokes in worst possible taste
From: Donuel
Date: 14 Apr 22 - 09:21 AM

RIP Gibert Gottfried. All his jokes were too soon.

Subject: RE: Jokes in worst possible taste
From: Donuel
Date: 11 Apr 22 - 09:13 PM

Covid song : to the toe tappin tempo and tune 'Jesus is Easy'

(the Uncommon Cold) by Don Hakman c 2001 ...........................................................................................................................................................................

I paid a toll, I got some change, I went to town and bought some stuff and then I took the train I ate a burger, a soda, and crap I shouldnt oughta cuz now I got the Covid and I'm wondrin where its from...

(chorus) Covid is easy if you're startin to sneeze your gonna wonder if you're gonna grow old. Covid is easy cuz its cured with Cipro and not contagious like the uncommon cold.

I went to work, and like a jerk, I used the water fountain and got somthin on my shirt and in a letter, I opened, I really should know better but Donnie Trump just said I'd won and now I'm wondrin where its from .. .(chorus)

I came home ,I used the phone, I called my doc in quarantine and asked him for some pills and in the bathroom, later, I used some toilet paper and I've got a sore not there before I'm wondrin where its from.( chorus)

I watched the news, took off my shoes, I took a shower for an hour then I went to bed but in my dreams, I screamed , and then woke up Irene , then told her to beware the air I don't know where its from (chorus)

In the morning, I got changed, I went to town and bought some stuff and then I took the train I ate a pizza, eclair, and some stuff that had grown hair but now I got the Covid and I'm wondrin where its from...

covid is easy if you're startin to sneeze your gonna wonder if you're gonna grow old. Covid is easy cuz its cured with some bleach and Its everywhere ,,,I'm telling ya they got Covid.... every wheeeeere.

Subject: RE: Jokes in worst possible taste
From: LadyJean
Date: 05 Jun 14 - 12:56 AM

Ok, my mom worked at Allegheny General Hospital in the early days of WWII.   She said she'd heard just about eveything, including the sickest joke I know.

Did you hear that the proctologist is doing tonsillectomies in Germany?

Yeah, well the Jews aren't allowed to open their mouths there.

It's dated of course but still in the worst possible taste.

While she was there, a pathologist was doing an autopsy on a stillborn baby. Someone asked him how the baby died, and, with typically sick medical sick medical wit, the pathologist said the baby fell down an elevator shaft. Some days later there was an investigation into babies falling down elevator shafts in the hospital.

Subject: RE: Jokes in worst possible taste
From: Bill D
Date: 04 Jun 14 - 11:42 PM

Or.... specific answer

Subject: RE: Jokes in worst possible taste
From: Bill D
Date: 04 Jun 14 - 11:40 PM

Mrrzy-

popcorn

Subject: RE: Jokes in worst possible taste
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 04 Jun 14 - 09:14 PM

What do Groucho Marx and Lulu have in common?




They both have moustaches, except Lulu.

Subject: RE: Jokes in worst possible taste
From: GUEST
Date: 04 Jun 14 - 07:54 PM

Why is a racist like a dog? Both mark their territory with shit

Subject: RE: Jokes in worst possible taste
From: GUEST,michaelr
Date: 04 Jun 14 - 06:51 PM

Why can't you teach a Mexican sex ed and driver's ed on the same day?

It would be too hard on the donkey.

Subject: RE: Jokes in worst possible taste
From: Mrrzy
Date: 04 Jun 14 - 02:02 PM

OK, there is some long involved joke about vampire bats that ends with one big one saying to the little ones, See that big tree? (they all say yes.) Well, I didn't!

I would love to know the set-up - also for the popcorn one, it's in Men In Black and I never knew the rest.

Subject: RE: Jokes in worst possible taste
From: Bill D
Date: 04 Jun 14 - 12:56 PM

An old TV show used to have a routine where they just tossed off punchlines to jokes they couldn't possibly tell 'live'. Most of us watching knew most of the jokes.

"Thursday's your day in the barrel"

"The whole shovelful, Miss Kitty?"

"Nothing queer about Carruthers"

"You ought to see him make donuts!"

"Don't you want to open the beer?"

"Now aren't you sorry you had me neutered?" (not sure this would fly on TV...you can almost re-write the joke from the punchline.)

"Y'know, most of the guys just rides 'er into town." (borderline, even as punchline)

"How do you think I rang the doorbell?"

"Yeah, but this one's eating my popcorn!"

"I didn't say PIANIST" (also borderline)

"'It looked so good, I ate it myself'."

... have at it...but be tastefully offensive!

Subject: RE: Jokes in worst possible taste
From: Musket
Date: 04 Jun 14 - 11:59 AM

So much for spontaneous wit...

Don't tell me this thread had gone through the "woman balancing a pint of bitter on her head whilst playing snooker" joke phase?

Subject: RE: Jokes in worst possible taste
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 04 Jun 14 - 09:55 AM

We had that one a mere nine years ago in this thread, Musket. Tsk. ;-)

Subject: RE: Jokes in worst possible taste
From: Musket
Date: 04 Jun 14 - 09:38 AM

Was his name Bob?

Subject: RE: Jokes in worst possible taste
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 04 Jun 14 - 09:27 AM

Saw a man with no arms or legs swimming the English Channel.

"Clever dick", I thought.

Subject: RE: Jokes in worst possible taste
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 29 Jun 05 - 08:31 PM

From a list I run...

> Three guys happened to have got married on the same day,

Dear me, this reminds me of an old Minnie Pearl story. As you may know, Minnie was a favorite comedienne on the Grand Ole Opree in Nashville, Tennessee, and was known for wearing a very nice store-bought hat, with the price tag still on it. This is the story of how she got one of her other trademarks.

When Minnie was a young maiden, she also was married on the same day as a number of her girl friends, and they, too, wanted to boast of their husband's prowess at breakfast the next day, but they decided to use the word "morning" in their greeting for each time, er, they experienced bliss, as it were.

Well, the new day arose, and the four ladies met at the coffee shop, amidst giggles and sly winks. The first no longer maiden said: Good Morning! Isn't it a lovely morning this morning?"

The second woman smiled and spoke; "Good morning good morning! This morning I think I'll take a walk in the lovely morning air!"

Her dear friend then spoke up: "Good morning, good morning, good morning! What a lovely day this morning! This morning I think I'll have just coffee, I'm just not hungry this morning for some reason."

With her three friends now curiously staring at her, Minnie Pearl smiled and shouted out: "Howdy!" which was here trademark greeting for many, many years.

But now you know why.

Roger

Subject: RE: Jokes in worst possible taste
From: Bill D
Date: 29 Jun 05 - 03:14 PM

my old friend, Tony knew some jokes....including "The Arab with the large left nostril"...but it is in FAR too bad taste to post here.....

Subject: RE: Jokes in worst possible taste
From: Blissfully Ignorant
Date: 29 Jun 05 - 02:55 PM

Three guys happened to have got married on the same day, and be staying in the same hotel. They get talking in the bar, and the subject of conversation (rather predictably) moved onto sex...in particular, how may times a guy might be expected to, uh, perform on his wedding night. Soon they had hatched a plan...the next morning at breakfast, they would each order one slice of toast for every time they'd done the business the previous night. Next morning in the restaraunt... the first guy says to the waitress, in a loud voice, 'Can i have three pieces of toast please?' Resulting in giggles from the second man, who orders five pieces. The third guy, who has been looking remarkably smug all morning, says...'Can i have SEVEN slices of toast please...oh, and waitress...make two of them brown!'

Subject: RE: Jokes in worst possible taste
From: GUEST,jOhn
Date: 29 Jun 05 - 12:00 PM

A disabled woman was in the park, she didn't do sex for ages, she see's a bloke she fancies , nd shouts to him "hey, bloke, come and fuck me etc" he picks her up, takes her cloths off , and throws her in the pond, he says " now your fucked, aren't you?".

Subject: RE: Jokes in worst possible taste
From: JennyO
Date: 29 Jun 05 - 11:49 AM

And if you find him in an envelope, his name is Bill.

And if you put him in a paper bag, his name is Russell.

Subject: RE: Jokes in worst possible taste
From: GUEST,Sleepless Dad
Date: 28 Jun 05 - 05:21 PM

And his one legged girlfriend is named Ileane.

Subject: RE: Jokes in worst possible taste
From: frogprince
Date: 28 Jun 05 - 05:17 PM

Nah, we met him one time in the camp hot tub; his name was Stu.

Subject: RE: Jokes in worst possible taste
From: GUEST,Sleepless Dad
Date: 28 Jun 05 - 05:15 PM

One of the guys in the office read the joke about the guy with no arms or legs washing out to sea and said he knew the guys name. It's Bob.

Unless of course he's on your front step. Then his name is Mat.

Subject: RE: Jokes in worst possible taste
From: GUEST,Mrr
Date: 28 Jun 05 - 11:49 AM

How nice to see that one as a MAN with no arms and no legs!

Subject: RE: Jokes in worst possible taste
From: heric
Date: 27 Jun 05 - 07:22 PM

A man was sitting on a beach. He had no arms and no legs.
Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The first woman said "Have you ever had a hug?"
The man said "No", so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The second woman said "Have you ever had a kiss?"
The man said "No", so she gave him a deep, hard kiss and walked on.

The third woman came to him and said "Have you ever been fucked?"
Excitedly, the fellow said "Oh my gosh, no!"

She said "You will be when the tide comes in."

Subject: RE: Jokes in worst possible taste
From: wlisk
Date: 27 Jun 05 - 03:31 PM

An old farmer was selling his peaches door to door.

He knocked on the door and a very pretty young lady

dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door.


He raised his basket to show her the peaches and
asked;

"Would you like to buy some peaches?"


She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and
asked; "are they as firm as this?"


He nodded his head and said, "yes" and a little tear
ran from his eye.


Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off
asking; "are they nice and pink like this?"


The farmer said "yes" and another tear came from the
other eye.


The lady then opened the bottom of her negligee and
asked, "are they as fuzzy as this?"


He again said "yes" and broke down crying.


The lady said "what in the world is wrong with you?"


Drying his eyes he replied; "the drought got my corn,
the flood got my cotton, and now I'm gonna get screwed
out of my peaches."

Subject: RE: Jokes in worst possible taste
From: GUEST,Joe_F
Date: 26 Jun 05 - 07:53 PM

In Tom Lehrer's well-known lines

"Call him a Nazi -- he won't even frown.

`Eh -- Nazi, schmazi' says Werner von Braun."

it is doubtless in bad taste to use a Yiddishism in such a context. The intent, however, was satirical. It was left to an actual German, round about 1970, to make that remark his own, without (self-)satirizing intent. In a broadcast press conference (in English), the right-wing media magnate Axel Springer, who was called all manner of names on the left, was asked by an American reporter whether it bothered him to be called a Nazi. His reply: "Nazi, schmazi, as your American folksinger put it." Note that he also managed, in the same breath, to call Tom Lehrer a folksinger.

--- Joe Fineman    [e-mail]

||: When I was a boy, the genders were masculine, feminine, & neuter, the sexes were male & female, & fucking was fucking. :||

Subject: RE: Jokes in worst possible taste
From: Mr Happy
Date: 26 Jun 05 - 07:15 AM

ps

regret placing joke here-didn't read 4going posts first

Subject: RE: Jokes in worst possible taste
From: Mr Happy
Date: 26 Jun 05 - 07:10 AM

A lady was sitting in a riverside café enjoying a coffee and admiring the view. She spotted two Italian men who appeared to be arguing as they walked towards the café. They both came in and sat close to her. They ordered drinks and started to engage in animated conversation. The lady ignored their conversation at first, but her attention was galvanized when she heard one of the men saying: "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Den I come one lasta time."

The lady was disgusted and indignantly retorted "You foul-mouthed swine. In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Whosa talking abouta sexa? Imma justa tellun my frienda how to spella Mississippi!"

Subject: RE: Jokes in worst possible taste
From: Rapparee
Date: 06 Sep 03 - 10:04 AM

The Big Man slammed open the doors to the roadhouse out in the Alaskan bush, stomped over to the bar, bit the neck off of an unopened bottle of cheap hootchinoo, drank it, and roared, "Who thinks they're bad enough to beat me?"

There were no takers, and everyone kept drinking. No matter how much he roared and bellowed, the Big Man couldn't provoke a fight. As he stamped out the door, a bent old man said, "PSSST! Come here, I gotta tell ya somethin'."

The Big Man plunked himself down in a chair and said in a voice like a bad chain saw, "How's come none of these pansies wants ta fight?"

The old man replied, "Son, there're people in there who could tear you to shreds, and yeah, they'll fight ya. But ya gotta prove yourself worthy of them fightin' with you first."

"What!" the Big Man roared. "Worthy ta fight! That's...that's...wadda I gotta do?"

"Three things," said the old codger, "and you've already done one of 'em. You gotta drink a whole bottle of whiskey, rape an Esquimo squaw, and wrassle one of them Kodiak brown bears."

"Done!" said the Big Man and he rushed off into the winter twilight.

Some hours later he was back, blood streaming from his body, his clothes ripped to shreds, even his hobnailed boots in fragments that barely kept the snow from his chewed feet.

"Now," he said to the old man, "where's that squaw I gotta wrassle?"

Subject: RE: Jokes in worst possible taste
From: Gareth
Date: 06 Sep 03 - 06:09 AM

I lifted this one off another discusion site, if it's been posted on the 'Cat before I appologise, if you have not seen it I think it is worthy of attention.

PREACHING TO BEARS

A priest, a rabbi and a Pentecostal preacher all
served as chaplains to the students of Northern
Mich U in Marquette. They would get together two
or three times a week for coffee and to talk
"shop."

One day someone made the comment that preaching
to people isn't really that hard. A real
challenge would be to preach to a bear.
Well, one thing led to another and before it was
over they decided to do a 7 day experiment.

They would all go out into the woods, find a bear
and preach to
it......................
It's now 7 days later and they're all
together to discuss the experience. Father
O'Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on
crutches, and has various bandages goes first.

"Wellll," he says in a fine Irish brouge, "Ey
wint oot into th' wooods to fynd me a bearr.
Oond when Ey fund him Ey began to rread to him
from the Baltimorre Chatecism. Welll, thet bearr
wanted naught to do wi' me und begun to slap me
aboot. So I quick grrabbed me holy water and, THE
SAINTS BE PRAISED, he becam as gintle as a lamb.
The bishop is cooming oot next wik to give him
fierst communion und confierrmation."

Reverend Billy Bob speaks next. He's in a wheel
chair, with an arm and both legs in casts and an
I.V. drip. In his best fire and brimstone
oratory he proclaims, "WELL brothers....you KNOW
that we don't sprinkle.... WE DUNK! I went out
and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read
to him from God's HOOOOLY WORD! But that bear
wanted nothing to do with me.

I SAY NO! He wanted NOTHING to do with me. So I
took HOOOLD of him and we began to rassle. We
rassled down one hill, UP another and DOWN
another until we come to a crick. So'se I quick
DUNK him and BAPTIZE his hairy soul. An' jus like
you you sez, he wuz gentle as a lamb. We spent
the rest of the week in fellowship, feasting on
God's OOOOLY word."

They both look down at the rabbi who's lying in a
hospital bed. He's in a body cast & traction with
IV's and monitors running in and out of him. The
rabbi looks up and says "Oy! You don't know what
tough is until you try to circumcise one of those
creatures."

Gareth

Subject: RE: Jokes in worst possible taste
From: Rapparee
Date: 05 Sep 03 - 09:14 AM

So these two Indian brothers left the Res and headed off to the bright lights and big city. It was their first time off the Res, where they had grown up among the traditions of their people, the Ojibway.

Down the road they went in their pickup, and eventually they decided to pull in and do a couple of things, one of which was to get something to eat.

The signs were all over: Arbys. McDonalds. Taco Bell. And have been sheltered on the Res, they hadn't a clue what the signs meant.

Finally, one of them pointed to a sign that read "Sam's Hot Dog Shoppe." Well, they knew what THAT meant, and off they went.

They sat down, placed their orders, and were served dinner.

The oldest brother peeked into his sandwich and turned to the younger one. "Hmmm," he asked, "what part of the dog did YOU get?"

Subject: RE: Jokes in worst possible taste
From: tar_heel
Date: 04 Sep 03 - 05:03 PM

omg!....i've read everyone of these and i'm tired and sleepy now,so i'll just say good day and take a long nap and sleep on all of this...by the way,when i sleep i take a viagra pill and drink a warm glass of milk!...the warm milk helps me sleep!...the viagra pill keeps me from FALLING OUT OF BED!!! good day,all!

Subject: RE: Jokes in worst possible taste
From: GUEST,Li'l Aussie Bleeder.
Date: 04 Sep 03 - 03:22 PM

My mother was ill with cancer and this is the joke my father told:
A doctor moved in next door and this old biddy used to keep asking him for diagnosis over the fence (What should I take for this? What do I do for That?) and so on. The doctor died and within a few days the old biddy died too and was buried next him. One day the doctor heard a knock, knock on his coffin and it was the old biddy wanting to know what to do for WORMS!!!!
I thought my Father's timing was a bit off, though i never doubted his sense of humour.

Subject: RE: Jokes in worst possible taste
From: Dave Bryant
Date: 04 Sep 03 - 12:19 PM

One day a man notices a funeral procession. It's headed by two hearses, followed by a man with a large dog, and then by a file of people that stretches nearly a quarter of a mile. "Who's in the hearses ?", he askes the man with the dog. "Oh, the first has my mother-in-law in it and the second, my wife". "How did they come to die then ?", asks the first man. "Well my mother-in-law nagged me, the dog bit her, and she died the next day - then my wife nagged me to get rid of the dog and it bit her - she died the following day". The first man thinks for a bit and then asks "Would you lend me that dog ?". "Join the end of the queue", said the man with the dog.