Song Challenge! - Part 76

Subject: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 76
From: Áine
Date: 14 Dec 01 - 05:16 PM

Well, I just can't allow any moss to be growing on your Cow Chips, now can I?!? Just in case you all have any tips left on your turkey quills, here's a little article that I thought y'all would enjoy sinking your synapses into -- Enjoy!

-- Áine

E-E-E-E-EEK! The Elves Are Armed And Claus Is Wearing Kevlar! -- Santas will be feeling oh-so-secure from rowdy children at shopping malls this year, now that the Freeport Leisure company is employing personal bodyguards for their costumed St. Nicks at their six factory outlet sites. The company is also telling their red-clad employees to wear extra padding.

A company spokesman told the Evening Gazette: "Last year Santa received a number of tugs and pulls from over-exuberant children, which led to him getting a bit roughed up."

"And there was an incident at one of the centres last year where there was a bit more to it than that. So this year we have decided to give Santa a bit of extra protection."

Tindi Sorber, group marketing manager for Freeport Leisure, said children would still be encouraged to tug Santa's beard as part of the Christmas tradition.

"We don't mind a tug - in fact we encourage it. It's all part of the Christmas tradition. However, last year Santa reported the odd bruise, so we've heeded his call and left nothing to chance," he said.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 76
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 14 Dec 01 - 06:09 PM

I gotta say I'm at a loss? What are the guards gonna do that a full grown man in a Santa suit can't? Whats the angle? Santa's a wuss??? Even I can't write that this close to christmas.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 76
From: katlaughing
Date: 14 Dec 01 - 06:20 PM

I think Santa would be too encumbered by the suit, padding, beard, etc. to be very defensive. Must be like walking around in a Pillsbury doughboy suit!

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 76
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 14 Dec 01 - 06:22 PM

Well maybe I can....

I saw Santa with a Body Guard

I saw Santa with a Body Guard
Over at the mall last Friday night
He must be quite a creep
but the company ain't cheap
And if you mess with Santa with the fishes you will sleep

Then I saw Tommy assault Santa Claus
Tugging on his beard so snowy white
Well the kid ain't laughing now
He took him out back and Pow!
Santa Claus's guard last night

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 76
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 14 Dec 01 - 06:27 PM

Thank you elf, Christmas must be near!

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 76
From: Clifton53
Date: 14 Dec 01 - 06:30 PM

Send Me Down To Santa's Chair
(Send Me To The 'Lectric Chair)

Well listen now Momma, I been bad
And don't deserve no Christmas toys
I like peekin' at the little girls
And beatin' up on the boys
And just last week, I stole some stuff
From that deli down the street
I been mouthin' off, and givin' guff, don't deserve no Christmas treat,,,,

Now Moms, Moms, oh listen to me Moms
Send me down to Santa's chair
He got big 'ol goons with brass knuckles Moms,
Waitin' for me there
First they'll frisk me up and down
Then they'll grab me by the scruff
Then they'll plop me down in Santa's lap 'til the tears start runnin' off
Now Moms, Moms, I'm pleadin with you Moms
Send me down to Santa's chair

Well now Santa's scary, there is no doubt
And his henchmen they are heavily armed
Ain't no crap gonna float down there
He don't buy no childish charm
Last year you know I tugged on his beard
And he was not too pleased
And now he's ringed, with burly dudes, who'll knock you to your knees,,,

Yes Moms, Moms, oh I deserve it Moms
Send me down to Santa's chair
Ain't no more pinchin' Santa's cheek
Or catchin' him unaware
Now they ask you twenty questions
All the truths back in your past
And if you tell them lies my friend I tell ya' you won't last
So Moms, Moms, oh sweet Jesus Moms
Send me down to Santa's chair

Well since I last saw Santa, I been real good
Got my halo cleaned and pressed
No more trouble in the neighborhood
Ain't give nobody no stress
Since Santa's helpers, straightened me out
I been one good little boy
It's better yes, to act so nice, and spread a little bit of joy,,,

Thank You Moms, Moms, I'm so happy Moms
Since you sent me down to Santa's chair
I hope my angelic qualities
Ain't too much for you to bear
Well Santa he plain told me
If I didn't act just right
That his boys would come and visit in the middle of the night
So Moms, Moms, it worked on me now Moms
You sent me down to Santa's chair

Not EXACTLY to the topic. Sure was fun though

Clifton

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 76
From: Áine
Date: 14 Dec 01 - 06:38 PM

Clifton -- I LOVE IT!! Here's your Silver B.L.O.B. for making so nice with:

Thank You Moms, Moms, I'm so happy Moms
Since you sent me down to Santa's chair
I hope my angelic qualities
Ain't too much for you to bear
Well Santa he plain told me
If I didn't act just right
That his boys would come and visit in the middle of the night
So Moms, Moms, it worked on me now Moms
You sent me down to Santa's chair

And here's one for you, dear Jack, for this saucy little verse:

I saw Santa with a Body Guard
Over at the mall last Friday night
He must be quite a creep
but the company ain't cheap
And if you mess with Santa with the fishes you will sleep


It's a great start, keep 'em coming!

-- Áine

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 76
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 14 Dec 01 - 06:40 PM

I've sat in a Santa Suit, you can take on any kid small enough to want to sit on your knee.

Nowadays Santa seems to be all about the pictures. Less about the asking for stuff. I hear his website is busy though.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 76
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 14 Dec 01 - 06:54 PM

Imagine this one sung to a small child by Christopher Walken, in his most threatening voice.

Santa Claus has Hired The Mob

He's Making a list and checking it twice
But that ain't all so ya better be nice!
Santa Claus has Hired The Mob

A scarier man you never have met
Don't do a thing you're gonna regret
Santa Claus has Hired The Mob

Who cares if you've been sleeping
Who cares if you're awake
Don't you pull upon his beard
Or your arm we're gonna break

You better be good you better make nice
You'd be well advised to take my advice
Santa Claus has Hired The Mob

Santa Claus has Hired
Santa Claus has Hired
Santa Claus has Hired The Mob

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 76
From: Amos
Date: 14 Dec 01 - 07:08 PM

No Use for the Younkers?

(Tune: No Use For the Women (Click to Play))

 Ah got no use for the young 'uns!
A good one can never be found!
They'll drool and they'll spew on your belly,
And they'll jump on your ribs when you're down.
They're all alike on the inside,
They're reckless, and vicious, and cruel
And the parents who think they are sweet things,
Are just blindly deluded old fools.

I had a friend was a Bloomingdale's Santa
He was upright, and jolly, and fair
But he bled to death in Bloomie's men's room
And 't was kids who sent him there
If they'd been sweet as folks  thought they would be,
He'd still be a-makin Moms grin
'Stead if bleedin to death on those tiles sir,
A victim of hellacious twins.

They were blue eyed and redhaired and pale-skinned,
They were cute as two frogs in a box!
But when they climbed up on his lap, sir
One kneed him in the rocks.
Well his "Ho-ho-ho" changed to a groan sir,
And the second one started to fib,
She said she'd been good all year long, sir,
While her drop-kick broke two ribs.

Then her sister got mad at Old Santa,
And she hauled off and punched his poor nose
He was bleeding within and without sir,
O-type all down his Santa clothes.
Then the first twin she started to holler,
And she swung with a Barby Doll,
And his carotid quickly split open,
And they laughed, and watched him fall.

Now I'm lying around broke without work sir,
And I just got a card in the mail,
If I'll be the Bloomingdale's Santa,
It would keep me out of jail,
So I'm gonna go in to discuss it,
But my terms, they will be mighty hard,
I'll hold out for a Kevlar-lined suit, sir,
And two six-foot body guards.

Oh, I've got no use for the younkers,
They're banshees, and monsters, and dogs,
While their Moms dress 'em up like young humans,
They're psychotic banderlogs!
So I'm fitting myself out with hard armor,
And those brats won't have nothin' to say.
If they mess with THIS Christmas-time Santa,
I'll just douse 'em with pepper spray!

---

Regards,

A.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 76
From: Rollo
Date: 14 Dec 01 - 07:22 PM

Having played Santa once, I know exactly how he must have felt ... Imagine children pulling the beard, expecting the rubber band going "twaing", but being shocked instead by Santa Claus shouting, "AAAARGH that hurts -- let go yer little bastard, let go!"

The Santa Tank Song
(to the tune of "Sam Hall")

Oh my Name is Santa Claus, Chimney climb, Chimney climb
Oh my Name is Santa Claus, Chimney climb
Through your chimney I do fall, And I hate you one and all,
You're a bunch of muckers all,
Blast your eyes, damn your souls,
Youre a bunch of muckers all, blast your eyes!

As I landed on the roof, with my sleigh, with my sleigh
As I landed on the roof, with my sleigh
As I landed on the roof, not a noise made rudolf's hoof,
Climbing down I made my way, through the soot, through the soot,
climbing down I made my way through the soot

In the fireplace I got trapped, thats no joke, thats no joke,
in the fireplace I got trapped, that's no joke!
In the fireplace I got trapped, in a sling the kids had set,
My poor stomach they did poke, pushed my nose, pulled my beard
My poor stomach they did poke, pulled my beard!

Modern children are so bad, little devils, monsters all!
Modern children are so bad, monsters all!
Modern childen are so bad, they will surely drive me mad!
But this time I am prepared, blast their eyes, damn their soul,
But this time I am prepared, damn their soul!

Twelve marines to pull the sleigh with armoured sides of shining steel,
Twelve marines to pull the sleigh with sides of steel!
twelve marines to pull the sleigh, Hut! hut! Hut! on christmas eve,
And a grenade down the tube, clears the way, clears the way,
and a grenade down the tube clears the way!

duplicate message deleted and author's comments added to this message by mudelf ;-)

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 76
From: Amos
Date: 14 Dec 01 - 07:41 PM

Outrageous, Rollo!!!

Hey, TGG -- better start pacin' yourself here!!! Yore gonna get swamped!!!

Love,

A.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 76
From: Áine
Date: 14 Dec 01 - 08:35 PM

You're right, dear Amos! I knew you all would like this one! ;-)

OK, now for the Silver B.L.O.B.s --

To Jack the Sailor for this funny bit of faldarol:

You better be good you better make nice
You'd be well advised to take my advice
Santa Claus has Hired The Mob

To Amos, for this devilish diversion (which I hope was NOT inspired by my two youngest rugrats!) -- OUCH!:

They were blue eyed and redhaired and pale-skinned,
They were cute as two frogs in a box!
But when they climbed up on his lap, sir
One kneed him in the rocks.
Well his "Ho-ho-ho" changed to a groan sir,
And the second one started to fib,
She said she'd been good all year long, sir,
While her drop-kick broke two ribs.

And to Rollo, a Golden B.L.O.B., for this bit of 'Who-Haw' -- let's roll!:

Twelve marines to pull the sleigh with armoured sides of shining steel,
Twelve marines to pull the sleigh with sides of steel!
twelve marines to pull the sleigh, Hut! hut! Hut! on christmas eve,
And a grenade down the tube, clears the way, clears the way,
and a grenade down the tube clears the way!


Oh, my sides are hurting already! You guys are sleighing me, you really are!

-- Áine

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 76
From: Áine
Date: 14 Dec 01 - 08:47 PM

OK -- Since it's Friday, and I don't have to cook tonight (let's hear it for 'cheesy greasy fried beef Fridays!!), I've had a few minutes to come up with a little ditty for this Challenge!. I took the kids' side on this one -- imagine what a cathartic experience it would be to visit Santa with Vinnie and Alfredo standing behind him . . . Hope y'all like it . . . ;-)

Look At That Face by Áine
(Tune: Look At That Face by Anthony Newley; from the musical, Roar of the Greasepaint, Smell of the Crowd)

Look at that face -
Just look at it,
Look at that jolly old face of yours.
I knew first look I took at it,
This was the face that the world adores.

Look at those eyes -
As blue and as deep as the sea.
But Santa, that bulge,
Is it fat, or an AKC?

As for your smile, it's cynical -
Cold as a dead cod upon the quay -
If I survive, it's a miracle
Where could I ever find words to say

That you used to make me happy
Whenever I sat in your lap?
Now I find when I look
A FBI spook
In that face

Look at that elf -
Just look at him
I see a wire hidden 'neath his cap.
I knew the first look I took at it
You've got an elf who is full of crap.

Look at those eyes -
As close as the closest of friends.
Look at those shades -
They start where a tunnel ends.

As for his smile - spectacular!
One grin would frighten a saint away.
He's got a face like Dracula!
And I mean that in the nicest way!

To say that my world has changed now
Would not even state the case.
No wonder I shook
When I first took a look
At your face.


-- Áine

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 76
From: Amos
Date: 14 Dec 01 - 09:24 PM

LOL!! Just make sure the keeds keep those sentiments to themselves, or they'll get a face full of pepper spray 'll leave 'em weeping for a week! Ever since September 11, Santa can't be TOO goddamn careful!!

A

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 76
From: Áine
Date: 14 Dec 01 - 11:46 PM

Well, it must be the boeuf, but I've got another one . . . This time, I took the side of the poor frustrated security guard . . .

The Ballad of Elf Number Two by Áine
(Tune: 'I Want A Girl' (Just Like the Girl that Married Dear Old Dad) Click here to play tune)

When I was a boy
My mother often said to me
'When you grow up, we'll see
How useful you can be.'

I have looked all over,
But no position can I find,
That seems to be just like
The job I have in mind.

I will have to look around
Until the right one I have found . . .

Chorus:
I guard the guy who thinks he can fly
Just like Peter Pan
I frisk all the boys, before they ask for toys
And slap their sticky hands.
Old fashioned Santas are so out of date
They all think they need cops to 'mediate'
I want a job where they call me 'Bob'
And not Elf Number Two!

By the stacks of Potter books
There sits a winsome lass
Who thinks that I am crass
With my knuckles made of brass

Her mother dear looks up at me
With tears upon her face
And if she makes a move at me
I'll stop her with my Mace

The kids are pissed off as can be
But they will never get through me!

Chorus:
I guard the guy who thinks he can fly
Just like Peter Pan
I frisk all the boys, before they ask for toys
And slap their sticky hands.
Old fashioned Santas are so out of date
They all think they need cops to 'mediate'
I want a job where they call me 'Bob'
And not Elf Number Two!

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 76
From: Amos
Date: 14 Dec 01 - 11:50 PM

LOL, TGG!!! Poor Bob!!! I think I know how he feels.

A

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 76
From: GUEST,Sonja
Date: 15 Dec 01 - 03:16 AM

Once again, Áine, I ain't got time to do this here thaing up right, but here's the 5-minute special.

SWO
 

They Always Hurt The Claus They Love
words: Sonja w. Oates
tune:  You Always Hurt The One You Love

They always hurt the Claus they love
The one they shouldn't hurt at all.
They always pull his beard and nose
And kick 'im in the gut and balls.
I fear they'll break his private parts--
With each season, he must be recalled!
So lest the bloke may die of fright,
Mr. Claus,  we're here to take the fall!

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 76
From: Clifton53
Date: 15 Dec 01 - 09:40 AM

Bravo one and all!! Great guffaws and giblet gongers!!

The North Pole Goons
( The Green Berets)

Brave young men, with balls of brass
Tough mean dudes, guard Santa's ass
Hard as steel, crazy as loons
Those nasty thugs, called The North Pole Goons

Santa's safety, they insure
Heads on straight, and hearts so pure
No better men, in many moons
Those rough hombres, called The North Pole Goons

Body armor, Uzis hid
A detriment, to any kid
Life is not, a big cartoon
Don't screw around, with The North Pole Goons

If some child, should dare invade
Santa's debt, is fast repaid
And that child, will leave real soon
You cannot test, The North Pole Goons

So don't be surly, don't be weird
And do not reach, for Santa's beard
For they'll leave, your health in ruins
Those fighting men, called The North Pole Goons

Just be happy, act real nice
I would say, it's good advice
Just take this word, from 'ol Cliff-tunes
Don't mess around, with The North Pole Goons

Clifton

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 76
From: Áine
Date: 15 Dec 01 - 10:04 AM

Once again, brilliant! Here's a mini-Silver B.L.O.B. (small, but just as shiny!) for Sonja for her quirky quickie:

They always hurt the Claus they love
The one they shouldn't hurt at all.
They always pull his beard and nose
And kick 'im in the gut and balls.
I fear they'll break his private parts--
With each season, he must be recalled!
So lest the bloke may die of fright,
Mr. Claus, we're here to take the fall!

And here's a S.B.L.O.B. for Clifton, who made my stand at attention in my best Elf suit with:

Brave young men, with balls of brass
Tough mean dudes, guard Santa's ass
Hard as steel, crazy as loons
Those nasty thugs, called The North Pole Goons


We're on a roll!!

-- Áine

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 76
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 15 Dec 01 - 01:06 PM

Someone asked why Santa would need guards; can't he take care of himself?

Remember, this is a branch of show business. The show has to go on, so Santa can't turn aside for little things like self-defense. More than that, it wouldn't be good for his image if HE slapped the little kiddies around, would it?

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 76
From: Rollo
Date: 15 Dec 01 - 09:09 PM

au contraire, dave... if santa slapped them kids he would make them BELIEVE again... *G* Don't you remember the FEAR? That feeling of being a little insect in presence of a SUPREME BEING? The TERROR, when remembering your register of petty sins - sure this time santa would not give oyu anything because you had been BAD?
In Germany "Sankt Nicolaus", accompanied by his serf, "Knecht Ruprecht", visits all children in the night of dec.6. to fill their shoes with sweets. But naughty kids get only a lump of coal - and if they were too bad at all, a bundle of willow branches so the parents can beat their children's back black and blue! This is REALLY thrilling a night for little chillens hearts!

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 76
From: Genie
Date: 16 Dec 01 - 02:21 AM

I saw Tommy kicking Santa Claus
words:  Genie
tune:  [3 guesses]

I saw Tommy kicking Santa Claus
At the Freeport Leisure Store last night
I saw the little creep pull his hair and punch him deep--
I thought that he was f**ked up and he made poor Santa weep!
Then I saw Tommy stick old Santa Claus,
Underneath his beard with a switchblade knife!
Now they're bringing bouncers in
To save the old fat guy's skin!
No more kicking Santa Claus tonight!

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 76
From: Aidan Crossey
Date: 16 Dec 01 - 05:42 PM

Who knows ... maybe Santa Claus will fight back!

No prizes for guessing the original which this parodies ...

If you're looking for trouble you came to the right place
If you're looking for trouble look right in my face
I'm not gonna take none of your crap
My daddy was a mean-eyed, no-nonsense Lapp

Yes I'm evil, I got fists the size of paws
Yes I'm evil, don't you mess with Santa Claus

You wanna spook me, I'll not be spooked
You start to rile me, your goose is cooked
No little kiddy takes me for a ride
First I'll clip your ear and then I'll tan your hide

Yes I'm evil, I get my kicks from kicking ass
Yes I'm evil, I'm not afraid of nursery class

So come and take me if you think you're tough
I'm up for a rumble if you're hard enough
I'll take you all, as on you come
And send you home in tears to your daddy and your mum

Yes I'm evil, my middle name is hard-as-nails
Yes I'm evil, I'll take the wind out of your sails

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 76
From: Amos
Date: 16 Dec 01 - 07:33 PM

The Dark Side of the Force has obviously had a few wins lately!! LOL!!

Beautiful, guys!

A

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 76
From: Deda
Date: 16 Dec 01 - 07:50 PM

Tune - Midnight Special

Don't let Rudoph's red nose
Shine its light on me
Don't want Rudolph's red nose
To shine that terrifying light on me!

Well if you ever hit the malls, kids
Well you better act right
And you better not poke, kids
And you better not fight
'Cause Santa's helper's will "correct" you
Pick you up and swing you 'round
And you'll find yourself praying
That you'll land on soft ground

Don't let Rudoph's red nose
Shine its light on me
Don't want Rudolph's red nose
To shine that terrifying light on me!

Well he looks like Santa
But his belly's hard as lead
And his laugh is kinda scarey
And he fills my heart with dread.
His helpers wear these white carnations
In their wide, black lapels
And when he asks if I've been good, kids
Well, I'd rather not tell.

Don't let Rudoph's red nose
Shine its light on me
Don't want Rudolph's red nose
To shine that terrifying light on me!

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 76
From: Amos
Date: 16 Dec 01 - 08:46 PM

Ho ho ho!!! Ya ready fer a concrete overcoat? Huh? Damn brat....HEY!!! Sit up straight before I slap you a good one, kid!!! An' shuddup wid da gimmes or I'll show you a gimme up alongside ya head!! Ya hear me??!!!

(And then they hired the Santa who was one-half (challenged ethnic type here) who kept making offers he couldn't understand!!).

A

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 76
From: Áine
Date: 16 Dec 01 - 09:13 PM

Wow! I didn't realize how cathartic this thread would be . . . my, my, my, scat cat tail's in the gravy!! ;-)

Alrightey then, here are the latest Silver B.L.O.B.s:

To Genie (and remind me never to get on her bad side (ouch!) for:

I saw Tommy kicking Santa Claus
At the Freeport Leisure Store last night
I saw the little creep pull his hair and punch him deep--
I thought that he was f**ked up and he made poor Santa weep!


To mo chara, derrymacash (who really does have the voice of an angel! -- sorry Aidan, but I just can't help it...), for his 'rumble in the (elf) jungle':

So come and take me if you think you're tough
I'm up for a rumble if you're hard enough
I'll take you all, as on you come
And send you home in tears to your daddy and your mum


And to sweet Deda, (who's big bubba better stay on the good side of, 'case he wants to be whupped on good!) for this 'sweet' verse, very remiscent of Tom Lehrer, IMHO(whoa!):

Well he looks like Santa
But his belly's hard as lead
And his laugh is kinda scarey
And he fills my heart with dread.
His helpers wear these white carnations
In their wide, black lapels
And when he asks if I've been good, kids
Well, I'd rather not tell.


Good on each and every one of ya! -- Áine

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 76
From: Aidan Crossey
Date: 17 Dec 01 - 05:12 AM

Oh dear ... Áine embarrasses me with her praise!

Anyway ... here's a skit on an old Thin Lizzy classic which I laways thought was nasty even in its original form.

THE LITTLE BOYS ARE BACK IN TOWN
Guess who just got back today
Those little boys who've been away
They haven't changed, haven't much to say
But man I still think those kids are crazy
They were asking if you were around
How you was, where you could be found
I told them you were working downtown
Wearing a false beard, yeah
The boys are back in town

You know that kid with the 6 inch blade?
Every day he'd get that knife
And wag it in your face
Man when I say he was naughty
He was a sociopath
I mean truly psychotic
That time at the grotto
This kid pulled the beard clean off Santa's face
Man we just fell about the place
How were we to know it was for real, eh?
The boys are back in town, spread the word around

Friday night we'll be dressed to kill
School's broke up, you know the drill
Milk will flow and blood will spill
If the boys wanna fight you better let 'em
Muzak in the shopping centre jingling out those corny songs
When we do over Santa Claus, it won't be long
It won't be long 'till Easter comes
And we can beat up that ol' Easter Bunny again

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 76
From: Aidan Crossey
Date: 17 Dec 01 - 08:16 AM

To the tune of "The Little Drummer Boy"

Come they told me par-um-pum-pum
Some silly git to see par-um-pum-pum
An eejit and a twit par-um-pum-pum
And just as soft as shit par-um-pum-pum
Rum-pum-pum-pum rum-pum-pum-pum

He sat me on his knee par-um-pum-pum
Tried to cuddle me par-um-pum-pum
"Oi, cut it out" I said par-um-pum-pum
And smacked him in the head par-um-pum-pum
Rum-pum-pum-pum rum-pum-pum-pum

Then came security par-um-pum-pum
They were no match for me par-um-pum-pum
Picked them off one by one par-um-pum-pum
I had them on the run par-um-pum-pum
Rum-pum-pum-pum rum-pum-pum-pum

Police siren wail par-um-pum-pum
To cart me off to jail par-um-pum-pum
But watch those coppers flee par-um-pum-pum
Send in the military par-um-pum-pum
Rum-pum-pum-pum rum-pum-pum-pum

I overran those par-um-pum-pum
Crack commandos par-um-pum-pum
Hear them bleating par-um-pum-pum
As they're retreating par-um-pum-pum
Rum-pum-pum-pum rum-pum-pum-pum

Nuclear warhead par-um-pum-pum
Untold people dead par-um-pum-pum
But when the dust cleared par-um-pum-pum
I swung from Santa's beard par-um-pum-pum
Rum-pum-pum-pum rum-pum-pum-pum

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 76
From: Áine
Date: 17 Dec 01 - 09:11 AM

Here's a couple of Silver B.L.O.B.s to ole red-faced derrymacash, who turned my face red with laughter this morning with:

Friday night we'll be dressed to kill
School's broke up, you know the drill
Milk will flow and blood will spill
If the boys wanna fight you better let 'em
Muzak in the shopping centre jingling out those corny songs
When we do over Santa Claus, it won't be long
It won't be long 'till Easter comes
And we can beat up that ol' Easter Bunny again

AND with:

I overran those par-um-pum-pum
Crack commandos par-um-pum-pum
Hear them bleating par-um-pum-pum
As they're retreating par-um-pum-pum
Rum-pum-pum-pum rum-pum-pum-pum


Fantastic!

-- Áine

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 76
From: Aidan Crossey
Date: 17 Dec 01 - 10:51 AM

To the tune of "Once In Royal David's City"

In a Freeport retail centre
Stood a Santa dressed in red
Till some local problem children
Danced a hornpipe on his head
As he chuckled "Ho ho ho"
Santa bled into the snow

How he came to work for Freeport
None who knows him cares to say
He signed up for the festive season
But he lasted just a day
Had he known what lay ahead
He'd have likely stayed in bed

Terrorised by tots and toddlers
Making Santa's life a hell
Now he's hiding in his grotto
It's become a prison cell
No remission, no parole
The horror gnawing at his soul

Then at last the final onslaught
Two full hours the battle raged
Santa's holed up in his grotto
While the kids outside rampaged
Till at last the kids invaded
Santa's captured and paraded

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 76
From: Amos
Date: 17 Dec 01 - 11:42 AM

Gruesome, Derry!

I think we oughta pick on the Easter Bunny next. Our forefathers watched as our generation fought to dispense with excuses for civil wrongs and unjust wars. Now we can turn to our children, in turn, and sic 'em on useless Myths and corrosive Icons!!

A.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 76
From: GUEST,Roger the skiffler
Date: 17 Dec 01 - 11:48 AM

Thread creep: a cartoon in one of the newspapers had Santa held up by some special forces troops:"It's a grotto, guys, NOT a cave" he is protesting!
RtS

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 76
From: mousethief
Date: 17 Dec 01 - 12:08 PM

Up at the Nordstrom's*
tune: Up on the Housetop

Up at the Nordstrom's Santa's toughs
Stand nearby with gas and cuffs
Just let some kid get out of hand
And see how fast on the ground he'll land

Ho ho ho, who wouldn't go?
Ho ho ho, who wouldn't go up to the Nordstrom's
Click click click
Out come the switchblades to guard St. Nick

First comes a girl known as little Nell
She sits down and gives him hell
Pulling his beard till he hollers "stop!"
She's trundled off by an elfin cop

Ho ho ho, who wouldn't go?
Ho ho ho, who wouldn't go up to the Nordstrom's
Click click click
Out come the switchblades to guard St. Nick

Next comes a boy known as little Bob
Keeping him calm is quite a job
When he attempts to steal Santa's sack
He's eating carpet with a knee in his back

Ho ho ho, who wouldn't go?
Ho ho ho, who wouldn't go up to the Nordstrom's
Click click click
Out come the switchblades to guard St. Nick

Next comes a girl with a foreign name
She gets treated just the same
When she attempts to pinch his cheek
The guards come and knock her into next week

Ho ho ho, who wouldn't go?
Ho ho ho, who wouldn't go up to the Nordstrom's
Click click click
Out come the switchblades to guard St. Nick

When closing time comes winging 'round
No more kiddies can be found
They've been arrested or even worse
Santa drives off in an eight-deer hearse

Copyright ©2001 Alex Riggle. All Rights Reserved.

*In the Seattle dialect (coffeese), store names always end with 's. Even if it's not the name of some person or family (e.g. Safeway's). Don't ask us why.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 76
From: mousethief
Date: 17 Dec 01 - 12:11 PM

Ooops can an elf fix that? The choruses are supposes to be bold and the verses not so. Musta mistyped the end bold on the first chorus.

Alex

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 76
From: Áine
Date: 17 Dec 01 - 05:40 PM

Two more great submissions -- so, here's another couple of Silver B.L.O.B.s for some great bits:

To derrymacash, for this bit of fancy footwork:

In a Freeport retail centre
Stood a Santa dressed in red
Till some local problem children
Danced a hornpipe on his head
As he chuckled "Ho ho ho"
Santa bled into the snow

And to mousethief, for this bright-eyed and bushy-tailed bit o' bull:

Next comes a boy known as little Bob
Keeping him calm is quite a job
When he attempts to steal Santa's sack
He's eating carpet with a knee in his back


Hoo-haw! -- Áine

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 76
From: Áine
Date: 17 Dec 01 - 10:49 PM

I won't try and describe the 'where, when and/or why' of this song -- y'all just take it as it lies, and I hope you all enjoy it (hehehe):

The Toyland Talkin' Blues

Well, I took a drive to the local mall,
To buy the girl a book and the boy a ball,
As I passed the Army's bell ringing dude,
I was shocked to hear him say somethin' rude,
And then he muttered, 'Man, don't go in there!'

I'm the first to admit I'm the curious type,
And I've never fallen for the Christmas hype,
Like those potted Harry's in the manger scene,
Or aluminum trees, pink instead of green,
So I sauntered on in -- big mistake!

There were mamas and daddys hauling butt for the doors,
Dragging kids behind 'em in the threes and fours,
And the sounds that were comin' from deep in the place,
Coulda reached the limits of outer space,
It was loud, man -- and really scary!

The first clue was the deep 'Ho-Ho-Ho',
No, it was really more like 'Fee-Fi-Fo',
I rounded a corner and what to my eyes -
There was Santa - starkers - raising cain to the skies!
And what happened nest, wudn't purty either!

The kids that were left were a coupla j.d.'s,
Even though they'd only come up to your knees,
Swinging' from the rafters, they were shoutin', 'Kill him!'
If I'd had a camera, I coulda made a million,
CNN gold, I coulda been famous.

While that nekkid ol' elf stood up on his throne,
His 'excitement' at the situation sure had grown,
One of the brats musta been a rodeo fan,
'Cuz with a string of lights he lassoed Santa's 'Dan',
Ever head a pig squeal? -- yeah, I saw that movie, too.

There was a little girl, no better than him,
Who, with an Addams Family kinda grin,
Was puttin' paid to the giant Christmas tree,
With a fireman's axe, a minature banshee,
But the strangest thing, was yet to come.

On the garlands hung from the balconies,
Swung into action the Delta Force 'E's,
Their camaflouge, it was red and green,
The strangest damn elves that I ever seen,
And I've been to a lot of Renfaires.

From their turned up toes to the bells on their caps,
It was clear they weren't takin' any crap,
In the wink of an eye, not a crease in their felt,
They'd laid their hands on each kid's pelt,
I never knew -- that elves could brachiate.

Well, I thought it was over, but I was wrong,
'Cuz Santa was still wrapped in his electric thong,
And the last thing that that wild boy'd done,
Was turn every single Christmas tree light 'on',
It gave 'O Tannenbaum' a whole new meanin'.

The last thing I remember was the strangled cries,
As ole Nick's 'saint' was crispy fried,
And the screams of glee from the manicled brat,
'This year I want a new baseball bat!'
It was cathartic, man -- I was born again!

When the mall reopened, I was there with my cash,
I mean I ran outta places those presents to stash,
They were piled so high, you couldn't see the tree,
Yeah, that night in Toyland made a believer outta me!
Gotta go -- and pay my kids' bail . . .


-- Áine

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 76
From: Amos
Date: 17 Dec 01 - 10:57 PM

Dang, Áine, I can just hear Woody plucking and humming that one now!!! It's a sheer pure-dee talking blues, all right.

Maybe I'll just put an MP3 of it down just to see what it sounds like fer ya!!!

A

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 76
From: Áine
Date: 17 Dec 01 - 11:01 PM

(...blush...) -- Oh please, dear bubba!

-- Áine

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 76
From: GUEST,Bo
Date: 18 Dec 01 - 01:01 AM

Lump of Coal

In two thousand and one, I carried my sack,
and I lived the gay life of a Santa
From the Christmas parade to the Wallmart charade
I was polite to the brats 'cause you haveta
Then the thirtieth kid, who knows mom doesn't care
Whose dad is too tired, or just isn't there
He kicked my poor elf and he yanked on my hair.
And I wondered just what it was for.

And the store said "bring in the children",
"Bring in their mommies and dads"
We'll sell them the gear, we're pushing this year
We don't care if they've been good or bad.

How well I remember that terrible day
When the crowds passed the fire regulations
I begged them to fire me, send me away
But they showed me my work stipulations
"No matter how boorish, how cruel, how sick
how badly behaved with their new hockey stick
the kids are the problem of jolly Saint Nick
And they marched me off to 'my village'.

chrs

So in my workshop I tried to survive
When the sporting goods children came calling
Fishing lures, baseballs, and something alive
And I dodged all the abuse that was falling.
I watched 'little angels' get dropped off in line
And turn into devils in new record time
I watched my elf's back and I prayed he'd watch mine
Prayed to gods, too many mention.

chrs

If I ever have children I'll tell them the truth
That we buy them nice gifts cause we love them.
And me and my wife will remember our youth
And spend time with our kids till we trust them
Maybe that special new toy they wont see
When we gather together to sit at the tree
But I will have them, and they will have me
And this Santa will teach them of Christmas.

Chrs:

Words: Bo Vandenberg with apologies to Eric Bogle who deserves all the credit and no blame.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 76
From: Aidan Crossey
Date: 18 Dec 01 - 04:41 AM

Nah, Bo. SOME of the credit to Bogle (tune and germ of the idea) ... but as regards this challenge, if he wants to enter off his own bat, then he can!

Unless ... Oh, Christ! ... I've got it ... Bo ... Bo ... You are Eric BO ... gle in disguise

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 76
From: Áine
Date: 18 Dec 01 - 08:04 AM

Another excellent song from Bo, an excellent new addition to our Challenge! family ;-) Here's your Silver B.L.O.B. for giving us this great ending (and an even better lesson):

If I ever have children I'll tell them the truth
That we buy them nice gifts cause we love them.
And me and my wife will remember our youth
And spend time with our kids till we trust them
Maybe that special new toy they wont see
When we gather together to sit at the tree
But I will have them, and they will have me
And this Santa will teach them of Christmas


Wonderful!

OK Challenge!rs, if you haven't bellied up to the bar and slapped down your song submission, you've got the rest of the day to do it. I've got yet another 'hot' Christmas story to slip under your doors and down your chimneys, and it's burning a hole in my elf suit! ;-)

-- Áine

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 76
From: MMario
Date: 18 Dec 01 - 08:17 AM

Áine -- I think you really deserve a B.L.O.B. for:

On the garlands hung from the balconies,
Swung into action the Delta Force 'E's,
Their camaflouge, it was red and green,
The strangest damn elves that I ever seen,
And I've been to a lot of Renfaires.

In fact - I think you deserve a Platinum B.L.O.B.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 76
From: Áine
Date: 18 Dec 01 - 09:06 AM

Why thank you, dear MMario ;-) I have to confess that I did think of you when I wrote that verse -- not that you have curled up toes or anything . . .

Here's a platinum snog for ya, darlin',

Áine

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 76
From: GUEST,Deda
Date: 18 Dec 01 - 11:09 AM

I get to work this morning and my computer wants to spit at me and I have what my daughter as a tiny girl called a "hake-hake" (headache) and massive work to do -- so I check in here and get my day off to a better start wtih some great bellylaughs. Thanks to all. Derry, the rest of us have day jobs -- how do you manage to be SO prolific?

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 76
From: Aidan Crossey
Date: 18 Dec 01 - 11:23 AM

When nobody's looking I pretend I'm really busy ... scatter loads of papers all over the desk and bash out the songs in a word-processing package, Alt-Tabbing between the song and a spreadsheet or database input screen whenever anybody approaches my desk!

The beauty of the kind of job I do is that it's "strategic" ... i.e. no-one's looking over my shoulder all the time ... I get the job done and mess about with Song Challenge!s and all sorts of other moonlighting as well ...

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 76
From: Amos
Date: 18 Dec 01 - 11:39 AM

Hey Derry -- room for anyone else in your department?? LOL!!!

A

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 76
From: Aidan Crossey
Date: 18 Dec 01 - 11:50 AM

As it happens .... nah ... the commutin' costs would prob'ly be a tad expensive (London, UK and I get the feelin' you're across the water?).

Anyway ... a limerick ... which is a bit off thread but lights out is imminent here at work!

As Santa cowered in his grotto
Outside there raged a riotto
"I do this oul' job
For a few measly bob.
I must be losing the plotto"

line breaks added by mudelf ;-)

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 76
From: Amos
Date: 18 Dec 01 - 06:19 PM

Yon Derry's position prestigious
Is developing papers strategious
While piles, reams and phalanges
Of novels and Challenges
Appear 'neath his wide-ranging aegis!!

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 76
From: GUEST,Bradypus
Date: 18 Dec 01 - 07:02 PM

I'm surprised no-one's used this yet ...

Jangle Bells

Dashing through the mall
In a fully armoured sleigh
O'er the toes we go
Laughing all the way
Let those sleigh-bells ring
Give the kids a fright
What fun it is to ride and sing
A Sleighing song tonight!

Jangle Bells! Jangle Bells!
Get out of the way!
Santa hits the mall tonight
Watch out where you stray
Jangle Bells! Jangle Bells!
Get out of the way!
Santa hits the mall tonight
Ton up in his sleigh!

Kevlar armour on
Bodyguards beside
Eight reindeer to pull
And Rudolph by his side
Santa at the reins
Mall racing just begun
Never mind those girls and boys
For Santa's having fun!

Jangle Bells! Jangle Bells!
Never mind the kids!
Santa hits the mall tonight
The sleigh, it slides and skids
Jangle Bells! Jangle Bells!
For yourselves take heed!
Santa hits the mall tonight
Sleigh-ride at top speed!

At Christmas every year
He's such a merry elf
But this year things have changed –
Santa enjoys himself
No one will tweak his beard
His trousers won't get wet
A full-speed sleigh-chase through the mall
Don't care who gets upset!

Jangle Bells! Jangle Bells!
White beard, coat of red!
Santa hit the mall tonight
Ton up on his sled
Jangle Bells! Jangle Bells!
Jive and rock and roll!
Santa hit the mall tonight
And sped back to the pole!

line break fixed by mudelf ;-)

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 76
From: Bradypus
Date: 18 Dec 01 - 07:04 PM

(Now I've got my cookie back)

Sorry about the missing line break - I think it's obvious enough!

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 76
From: Amos
Date: 18 Dec 01 - 10:11 PM

HEY!! Nice to see ya back in the lists, Sir Bradypus!! First rate job!!!

What, you found the Grail and retired???

:>)

Best regards,

A.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 76
From: Áine
Date: 18 Dec 01 - 11:49 PM

Hey there, Bradypus! I'm so glad you snuck in under the wire -- it just wouldn't be a Challenge! without you, darlin'! ;-)

OK, Challenge!rs -- here are your next batch of holiday Chips -- set 'em outside on the sidewalk and watch 'em steam! You guys were really 'hot' on this one. So, cudos and congrats and a happy ho-ho-ho to y'all (but keep your 'noses' clean, there's another one coming up real soon . . .):

Winners of the Golden Cow Chip with Shamrock Cluster (The Shamrock Cluster is awarded for a very high level of imagination, imagery, and/or creative use of language in a song):

I Saw Santa With a Body Guard by Jack the Sailor
In Freeport's Retail Centre by derrymacash
They Always Hurt The Claus They Love by Sonja
Up at the Nordstrom's by mousethief

Winners of the Golden Cow Chip with Harp Ribbon (The Harp Ribbon is given for being able to make The Keeper of the Book fall on the floor laughing OR make her short out her keyboard with tears):

I Saw Tommy Kicking Santa Claus by Genie
The Little Boys Are Back In Town by derrymacash
Santa Claus has Hired The Mob by Jack the Sailor
Send Me Down To Santa's Chair by Clifton53

Winners of the Golden Cow Chip with Guinness Crest (The Guinness Crest is awarded for causing both Harp Ribbon conditions within one song):

Don't You Mess With Santa Claus by derrymacash
Par-Um-Pum-Pum by derrymacash
Rudolph's Red Nose by Deda

Winners Of The Golden Cow Chip Award With Memorial MMario Silverplated Spittoon (The GCCWMMSPS is awarded to the Challenge! entry which evokes an instantaneous bubbling up of frothy mirth from out of the lips of the Keeper of the Book and onto her monitor screen):

Jangle Bells by Bradypus
No Use for the Younkers? by Amos
The North Pole Goons by Clifton53
The Santa Tank Song by Rollo

Winners of the Golden Cow Chip with Super Special Sandstone Sheila-Na-Gig Ocarina Award (The Super Special Sandstone Sheila-Na-Gig Ocarina Award is given to the Challenge!rs who warm the cockles and create a special warm and fuzzy feeling in the heart of the Keeper of the Book in a song):

Lump of Coal by Bo Vandenberg