Musical Howlers

Subject: Musical Howlers
From: Schantieman
Date: 07 Feb 03 - 02:48 PM

Somebody e-mailed me these the other day.   I submit them without comment for your perusal and delectation.



Agnus Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music.

Refrain means don't do it. A refrain in music is the part you better not try to sing.

A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.

John Sebastian Bach died from 1750 to the present.

Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was rather large.

Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling him. I guess he could not hear so good. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died from this.

Henry Purcell is a well-known composer few people have ever heard of.

Aaron Copland is one of your most famous contemporary composers. It is unusual to be contemporary. Most composers do not live until they are dead.

An opera is a song of bigly size.

In the last scene of Pagliacci, Canio stabs Nedda who is the one he really loves. Pretty soon Silvio also gets stabbed, and they all live happily ever after.

When a singer sings, he stirs up the air and makes it hit any passing eardrums. But if he is good, he knows how to keep it from hurting.

Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel.

I know what a sextet is but I had rather not say.

Caruso was at first an Italian. Then someone heard his voice and said he would go a long way. And so he came to America.

A good orchestra is always ready to play if the conductor steps on the odium.

Morris dancing is a country survival from times when people were happy.

Most authorities agree that music of antiquity was written long ago.

Probably the most marvellous fugue was the one between the Hatfields and McCoys.

My very best liked piece of music is the Bronze Lullaby.

My favourite composer is Opus.

A harp is a nude piano.

A tuba is much larger than its name.

Instruments come in many sizes, shapes and orchestras.

You should always say celli when you mean there are two or more cellos.

Another name for kettle drums is timpani. But I think I will just stick with the first name and learn it good.

A trumpet is an instrument when it is not an elephant sound.

While trombones have tubes, trumpets prefer to wear valves.

The double bass is also called the bass viol, string bass, and bass fiddle. It has so many names because it is so huge.

When electric currents go through them, guitars start making sounds. So would anybody.

Question: What are kettledrums called? Answer: Kettledrums.

Cymbals are round, metal CLANGS!

A bassoon looks like nothing I have ever heard.

Last month I found out how a clarinet works by taking it apart. I both found out and got in trouble.

Question: Is the saxophone a brass or a woodwind instrument? Answer: Yes.

The concertmaster of an orchestra is always the person who sits in the first chair of the first violins. This means that when a person is elected concertmaster, he has to hurry up and learn how to play a violin real good.

For some reason, they always put a treble clef in front of every line of flute music. You just watch.

I can't reach the brakes on this piano!

The main trouble with a French horn is it's too tangled up.

Anyone who can read all the instrument notes at the same time gets to be the conductor.

Instrumentalist is a many-purposed word for many player-types.

The flute is a skinny-high shape-sounded instrument.

The most dangerous part about playing cymbals is near the nose.

A contra-bassoon is like a bassoon, only more so.

Tubas are a bit too much.

Music instrument has a plural known as orchestra.

I would like for you to teach me to play the cello. Would tomorrow or Friday be best?

My favourite instrument is the bassoon. It is so hard to play people seldom play it. That is why I like the bassoon best.

It is easy to teach anyone to play the maracas. Just grip the neck and shake him in rhythm.

Just about any animal skin can be stretched over a frame to make a pleasant sound once the animal is removed.

Subject: RE: Musical Howlers
From: Hippie Chick
Date: 07 Feb 03 - 03:02 PM

Sounds like answers on a standardized music quiz! LOL!!!

Subject: RE: Musical Howlers
From: katlaughing
Date: 07 Feb 03 - 03:17 PM

Those are hysterical!! Thanks! LMAO!!

Subject: RE: Musical Howlers
From: RangerSteve
Date: 07 Feb 03 - 07:05 PM

You're supposed to remove the animal? No wonder my cat keeps clawing at me when I try to pay her.

Subject: RE: Musical Howlers
From: Sorcha
Date: 07 Feb 03 - 07:49 PM

Too funny, I am saving this one!

Subject: RE: Musical Howlers
From: smallpiper
Date: 07 Feb 03 - 07:50 PM

LOL

Subject: RE: Musical Howlers
From: *daylia*
Date: 07 Feb 03 - 08:17 PM

Shantieman, those are great! :-) Thanks, and thanks in advance from my students!

Here's a couple more howlers from David Barber's "Musician's Dictionary":

RHYTHM - A faculty in great demand and, unfortunately, very short                                          
            supply among those involved in music
       - An unreliable method for curtailing the population of                                 
            musicians.

BAROQUE - A period of music so called because the study of it leads to   
          impoverishment.
         - A slang term of encouragement used by musicians. Best   
          exemplifed by the phrase "Go for Baroque".

ARIA - The product of multiplying the singer's length by his or her            
       width.

BEAT - The basic unit of measurement in music. It varies from piece to
       piece, from performance to performance, and from person to
       person. Using a complicated algebraic formula - based upon sum      
       totals, averages, and phases of the moon - the beat is   
       established by the conductor and then promptly ignored by all.
    - what a performer is after a performance.

PIANO - A cumbersome piece of furniture found in many homes , where
       playing it ensures the early departure of unwanted guests.

PIANO TUNER - A person employed to come into the home, re-arrange the
             furniture, and annoy the cat. The tuner's chief purpose
             is to ascertain the breaking point of the piano strings.

PERFORMANCE - The main reason for the getting-together of any number of      
             musicians, usually to perform a piece of music. It is
             the best excuse for a drunken party, although any excuse            
             will do.

OBOE - An ill wind that nobody blows good.

MUSICIANS - Individuals bent upon producing sound or noise by means of
            scraping, hitting, beating, or blowing into an object made
            of brass, wood, or catgut. In a performance, each may be   
            seen wearing an ill-fitting tuxedo or black dress. (In most
            cases , the men wear tuxedos and the women wear dresses.)
            Orchestral musicians are allowed to sit, for which they         
            get paid extra. Choral musicians rarely get paid at all,   
            and they must stand through the performance, unless they   
            faint. Most musicians can count to at least four, and some   
            to five. Not to be confused with singers.

MUSIC LESSONS - A form of cruel and unusual punishment inflicted upon   
                young children by their parents, and upon teachers by
                their shrinking bank balances. In such instances, it         
                is a debatable point which is more unbalanced - the
                bank account or the teacher.

QUAVER - what many performers do while performing.

SNOB, MUSICAL - A person who pretends to know more about music than we
                do.

TRILL - the musical equivalent of an epileptic seizure.

VIBRATO - A technique used by certain instruments, said to add warmth
          and body to the tone, and by singers to hide the fact that
          they are on the wrong pitch.

BRAIN - A large human organ that controls thought and reason.
       Distinguishes Man from lower animals and musicians from the
       rest of Mankind. In accordance with the principles of Darwin's
       theory of natural selection and evolution, the cranial space   
       normally reserved for the brain is, in musicians, given over to   
       lung capacity. (So that they have, quite literally, blown their
       brains out.) In singers, the absence of brain matter leaves
       extra room for resonance. Science has been unable to discover   
       whether conductors have been provided with any sort of
       replacement for the missing brain, but that is highly unlikely.

Cheers!   daylia

Subject: RE: Musical Howlers
From: Mockingbird MacGillickutty
Date: 08 Feb 03 - 01:35 AM

The definition of perfect pitch: When you throw the banjo away into the dumpster (dustbin) and it crashes right onto the accordion.

Subject: RE: Musical Howlers
From: Mr Happy
Date: 08 Feb 03 - 02:17 AM

RangerSteve
why do you pay your cat?

Subject: RE: Musical Howlers
From: Leadfingers
Date: 08 Feb 03 - 08:47 AM

PERFECT PITCH is getting the banjo in the skip right on top of the Bodhran at fifty paces

ABSOLUTE PITCH is getting the banjo and the banjo player in the skip on top of the bodhran at fifty paces

RELATIVE PITCH is getting the banjo,the banjo player and his brother in the skip on top of the bodhran at fifty paces

This is of course from a Banjo player. If you play the banjo you have
to kmow the punchlines to ALL the banjo jokes in simple self defence.

Subject: RE: Musical Howlers
From: saulgoldie
Date: 08 Feb 03 - 08:57 AM

Schantieman, your post was excellent, and a very important diversion. Thanks so much. And thanks, too for everyone who posted additional entries. Gotta remember that short or long, however it ends, life is for living, singing, and laughing! Thanks.

Subject: RE: Musical Howlers
From: SINSULL
Date: 08 Feb 03 - 10:54 AM

Not quite music but a real conversation I had last week.
Mary to a worker at an account: "Is Mr. X in?"
Worker: "No. You know he has had some personal problems?"
Mary: "Yes. I understand his niece passed away last week."
Worker: (with astonishing feelin):"No. She died!"

Subject: RE: Musical Howlers
From: *daylia*
Date: 08 Feb 03 - 06:53 PM

Try these too! :-)

Why do bagpipe players walk while they play?
    To get away from the noise.

What's the difference between an Appalachian dulcimer and a hammered dulcimer?
    A hammered dulcimer burns hotter; an Appalachian dulcimer burns longer.

How many country & western singers does it take to change a light bulb?
    Three. One to change the bulb and two to sing about the old one.

What happens if you play blues music backwards?
    Your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of prison.

What does it say on a blues singer's tombstone?
    ``I didn't wake up this morning...''

``Hey, buddy, how late do the filkers play?''
    ``Oh, about half a beat behind...''

How many sound men does it take to change a light bulb?
    One, two, three, one, two, three...

Two musicians are driving down a road. All of a sudden they notice the Grim Reaper in the back seat. Death informs them that they had an accident and they both died. But, before he must take them off into eternity, he grants each musician with one last request to remind them of their past life on earth. The first musician says he was a Country & Western musician and would like to hear eight choruses of Achy-Breaky Heart as a last hoorah! The second musician says ``I was a jazz musician...kill me now!''

Subject: RE: Musical Howlers
From: Hrothgar
Date: 08 Feb 03 - 08:54 PM

And, rangerSteve, what does the cat do with the money?

Subject: RE: Musical Howlers
From: Mr Happy
Date: 09 Feb 03 - 05:22 AM

adds it to the kitty?

Subject: RE: Musical Howlers
From: Firecat
Date: 09 Feb 03 - 02:21 PM

LOL!! Brilliant!

Subject: RE: Musical Howlers
From: Cluin
Date: 10 Feb 03 - 03:03 AM

Why do bagpipers have at least one more I.Q. point than horses?

So they don't shit during parades.


Why do they wear kilts?

In case they do.


;)

Subject: RE: Musical Howlers
From: Dave Bryant
Date: 10 Feb 03 - 06:33 AM

OPUS - exclamation when the cat has done a whoopsie on the floor.

Subject: RE: Musical Howlers
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 10 Feb 03 - 07:06 AM

Schantieman: "Question: Is the saxophone a brass or a woodwind instrument? Answer: Yes."
Well done that child, he answered the question as posed.

Daylia:" BAROQUE - A period of music so called because the study of it leads to impoverishment.
- A slang term of encouragement used by musicians. Best exemplifed by the phrase "Go for Baroque"."
On one of 'The Carpenters' albums Richard performs an instrumental called "Flat Baroque"

Nigel

Subject: RE: Musical Howlers
From: Schantieman
Date: 10 Feb 03 - 07:22 AM

Unfortunately for this pun, on this side of the pond it's pronounced 'ba-rock'. But there you go! :-)

S

Subject: RE: Musical Howlers
From: HuwG
Date: 10 Feb 03 - 08:37 AM

Some from a tea-towel hanging in my parents' house (they are both keen choristers)

Basso : large fish
Basso profundo : large, deep-sea fish
Tenor : Joint in woodwork
Counter-tenor : Joint in fitted kitchens
Largo : Drink
Pizzicato : Its effect
Da capo : Head of the Unione Musiciane
Tremolo : Nerves

Subject: RE: Musical Howlers
From: Schantieman
Date: 10 Feb 03 - 12:05 PM

I've got one of those somewhere.......