BS: Disasters, Culinary

Subject: RE: BS: Disasters, Culinary
From: Schantieman
Date: 28 Apr 03 - 11:14 AM

My Dad told me (and this may be apochryphal) that when he was in the army in WWII they got served up their main course and pud in the same mess tin. Had to hold it dead level to keep the custard and gravy from mixing too much!

S

Subject: RE: BS: Disasters, Culinary
From: Mr Happy
Date: 28 Apr 03 - 04:20 AM

and on another occasion, also in the army, we were in the canteen queuing up for breakfast & were served with fried egg, bacon, sausage, & 'tomatoes'- these turned out to be tinned peaches!!

tasted ok though- first time i had a 'sweet & sour' breakfast!

Subject: RE: BS: Disasters, Culinary
From: Schantieman
Date: 26 Apr 03 - 02:17 PM

...and then there was the time I served up spaghetti bolognaise as part of my Advanced Scout Standard 'cook a meal' test, (aged 14).

White tablecloth, best cutlery, family and examiner seated round the table, tender spaghetti (this was before the days of 'al dente') tasty, rich sauce. I served it up with a flourish and deposited the whole lot in the examiner's lap!

Amazingly, I passed!

Steve

Subject: RE: BS: Disasters, Culinary
From: wysiwyg
Date: 26 Apr 03 - 12:54 AM

Will someone with some measure of authroity around here please see to it that these are all featured prominently in the Mudcat Cookbook now in preparation? A whole special section! :~)

Thank you,

~Susan

Subject: RE: BS: Disasters, Culinary
From: GUEST,Clareling
Date: 25 Apr 03 - 10:44 PM

This has always been a bit of a family joke, years after it happend of corse....

My oldest brother had come home from football practice one day, and sence noone else was home, he decided to make some frenchfries.
After putting the greese on the stove to heat up, he decided to take a quick shower while it warmed up (our stove was a bit slow).
But the shower went a bit longer than he had suspected, and he jumped out of the shower at the sound of the fire alarm.
Now the day before, my mother had bought a 50 pound bag of sugar, and my brother grabed that, it being the first thing he saw...
Living out in the country, we had 2 neighbors down the road, so unable to quickly yell for help, he ran outside to get a water hose and put out the fire.
He then called my mother:
M for mom, G for Greg--
M-hello?
G-uh...hey mom
M-I know that voice...what did you do?
G-um...whats the deductible on our house insurance?
M-.....600, why?!
G-well, im sure we met that.
*click* and a speedy call to the fire dep. by my mom
60,000 to be precise.
But the real kicker was the black stalactites hanging from the celing....
But what really got my mom was that she thought she could at least save her skillets from the black mass that was onece a stove because they were under a large metal bowl. As she dug through(with a hammer) the black cotton candy, she found one of her best towls charred on the mess...when asked what it was doing there, my brother simply replied "its all i had on at the time!"

Clare

Subject: RE: BS: Disasters, Culinary
From: Ely
Date: 25 Apr 03 - 07:39 PM

My mom used to pack lunches for me every once in awhile when I was in school if I was pressed for time in the morning. One morning, we were paricularly behind schedule, so she gave me the sandwich my father had forgotten to take to work (my father is a notorious "garbage disposal"; he will literally eat nearly anything).
This landed me a peanut butter and liverwurst sandwich.

On another occasion, she thought she would be nice and make me a ham and cheese sandwich (I normally ate peanut butter and something; jelly, cheese, or dill pickles). We were both very tired that morning, and when lunchtime came around I discovered that she had lost track of things and given me ham, cheese, and peanut butter (and the plastic was still on the ham).

Subject: RE: BS: Disasters, Culinary
From: GUEST,The O'Meara
Date: 25 Apr 03 - 12:47 PM

There are excellent French restaurants, Italian restaurants, Chinese, Greek, Thai, etc. restaurants. There are exceedingly few Irish restaurants. Pubs yes, restaurants, no. There is good reason for this. Family legend has it that Granny Mary, in her first years in "Amerikay," often prepared the traditional American Thanksgiving dinner. According to my father and his sister, you just don't understand Irish cooking until you've been served a boiled turkey.
    As a lad of about 13, I decided to whip up a desert treat for the family. Figured marble cake with vanilla icing would be just the ticket. In those days, most everything was made from scratch, but I thought I'd modernize things and bought cake mix from the grocery, one white cake, one devil's food cake and a package of Vanilla icing mix. I'd need 3 large bowls and a cake pan, and just add water. How hard could it be?
    The folks were out for the evening, and with my younger brother looking on, I mixed up the cakes and the icing in separate bowls and poured the white cake batter into the pan. I discovered that I had about 4 times more devil's food batter than I needed. Couldn't stand to waste it so I carefully poured 4 large dollops into the pan. It didn't mix, and I figured if I tried to swirl it the whole thing would turn a sort of diarrea brown, so I left it the way it was and popped it into the oven.
    After a while the cake was done and I turned to the icing which looked really thin. Seems I'd poured in way too much water. But I'm not so easily put off, and I put the stuff into a saucepan on the stove so I could boil off the excess water. (Clever!) It worked. When it got to the proper thickness, I smeared it onto the cake although it seemed to have changed color a bit. My brother wandered over and looked at the result. "You know what that looks like?" he asked.
   As my folks walked into the kitchen he said "It looks like four belly buttons covered with vaseline."
    Went down in family lore as "Jimmy's Notorious Navel Cake." And I swear, it didn't taste bad at all, as long as you kept your eyes shut.

O'Meara

Subject: RE: BS: Disasters, Culinary
From: Gurney
Date: 25 Apr 03 - 05:39 AM

Advice: Go back and read 'Spaw's post near the top. Chili is dangerous! I tried to dry a pot of damp chili powder (Chili powder is hygroscopic, it absorbs dampness)in the microwave, and set it on fire.

You CANNOT breathe chili smoke , nor any part thereof. Your lungs stop working. If you have mobility problems, you will likely die if you set it on fire on an ordinary stove.
It is easy to laugh now, but I'm glad it was a microwave, because of the timer.

Subject: RE: BS: Disasters, Culinary
From: Mr Happy
Date: 25 Apr 03 - 05:05 AM

during my youth i was a member of the tavr [territorial army volunteer reserve]

it was necessary on some weekends to go off to some remote location out in the country or up in the hills to practice radio communications[it was a signals regiment]

each radio relay detachment comprised 4/5 soldiers & while way on these w/e exercises were expected to survive on tinned army rations familiarly known as 'compo'; but we usually took along some fresh food as well.

the contents of these tins was stamped on the outside of the tins, rather than them having paper labels, but sometimes the stamped names could rub off or become obscured.

one morning we were preparing to cook breakfast.

we had fresh eggs & some bacon and opened up some tins, baked beans, tomatoes, & margarine.

the margarine was for frying the breakfast.

the marg was put in the frying pan & we waited for it to melt & start sizzling. well it melted a bit & some bacon was added.

dave, who was acting as cook turned to me & said 'there's something funny happening with the margarine'.

i looked & there seemed to be a strange 'rising' in the pan. bits of marg were popping & sizzling themselves into hard yellow curly things with little bubbly holes in them.

i remarked they looked just like 'quavers'.

subsequent examination of the tin of compo marg revealed that it was in fact processed cheese!

and that's how we discovered how to make fried bacon & quavers/prawn crackers for breakfast!!

Subject: RE: BS: Disasters, Culinary
From: Beccy
Date: 24 Apr 03 - 07:51 AM

My husband just told me his ultimate culinary disaster. At age 10, he was on his own when he got home from school, so he would make his own snacks- usually with great success. As he was the youngest of 4, food was sometimes in short supply in their home.

One day he decided to make cornbread. He couldn't find any in the kitchen, but remembered seeing a container of cornmeal in the bathroom. He went into the bathroom closet and found the aforementioned full container of cornmeal and took it to the kitchen.

He carefully measured, popped the pan into the oven, and waited the allotted time. He pulled a "perfect looking, golden, puffy cornbread" from the oven and sliced a big chunk off of it. He eagerly took a huge bite and realized there was something wrong. It tasted like soap. Upon closer inspection, he realized that the cornmeal container was full of his Mom's own special bath soak. She kept it in the cornmeal container in the bathroom.

Moral of the story? Never cook with cornmeal you find in the bathroom.

Beccy

Subject: RE: BS: Disasters, Culinary
From: Beccy
Date: 23 Apr 03 - 04:46 PM

I just remembered a doozy. This last year was a landmark birthday for my Mum. My Mum has a very adventurous spirit that extends to food. One of my sisters and I were shopping for party food at our local uber-market. We saw some really strange looking, found, spikey looking fruits called Durian (if you've tried these, you know what's coming). They looked like a large version of the business end of a mace (and I DO mean the medieval weapon.) We were intrigued and knew Mum would be too. She LOVES odd fruits.
(For my 5th birthday party, she served a platter with ugli fruits, kiwis, star fruits, kumquats, persimmons, pomegranates, and more- quite exotic back then!!!)

We carefully picked up the ominous looking fruit and took it to the checkout with our other goodies (ingredients for hummus, chicken barbecue, etc...) and laid out the $9.00 the behemoth fruit cost.
At home, I miraculously found a gift bag that was both large enough and sturdy enough to hold this Durian. Jess (my sister) held onto the bag while we sat outside giving Mum her presents. I glanced over at Jess and she was wrinkling her nose in a most unpleasant way. She walked past me and said- "You hold this for a minute"... and walked away. It was my turn to give Mum her present, so I passed it over. Mum squealed with delight when she saw the bizarre fare and sent me to the kitchen for a butcher knife and a cutting board (again, if you have tried these, you know what's coming.) To fast forward- we ended up hacking into the thing with a hatchet. Boy howdy- the STINK that came from that thing.

Feeling full of the birthday adventure spirit, I suggested that maybe it was like limburgher cheese and smelled horrid but tasted great. Jess, her husband and my husband all backed away. Mum, my baby sister (10 years old- Yes- I'm 20 years older than my youngest sister) and I lined up to try some of the stuff. Baby sis licked it and promptly started gagging. Mum and I simultaneously swallowed the stuff and then ran to brush our teeth. It tasted the way a sheep smells.

Upon researching this thing later, we discovered that it is sometimes referred to as "dead flesh fruit"... there are also legions of devotees to this awful thing. Doubt me?


Durian website


Argh- If I think about it too much, I can actually still taste that rancid stuff in my mouth. Airlia (baby sis), Mum and I all attest to the fact that we burped the flavor for at least a week.

Traumatic food incident, to be sure!.

Beccy

Subject: RE: BS: Disasters, Culinary
From: Catherine Jayne
Date: 23 Apr 03 - 03:45 PM

In my first year at uni I lived in Halls of Residence. Well the lads on the ground floor decided they were going to cook dinner for the lasses on the first floor and they thought that pizza would be the ideal food....*riased eyebrows all round*!!!

So in the MICROWAVE they put a pepperoni pizza STILL in the PLASTIC CELLOPHENE on a PLASTIC plate for 15 minutes. We are all sat in the lounge area having a few beers while the pizza cooks when the fire alarm and sprinkler systems are set off! So 5 lasses and 6 lads stagger outside in a drunken mass to find the other 200 students who lived in Halls shivering on the grass. 3 fire engines plus an engine with the long extending ladders/crane turned up. Yes they had managed to set fire to the microwave!!!

The lads were sent on a 6 week cookery course as punishment and us lasses got a good look and those gorgeous fire men in their uniforms!!!

We all still laugh about it now!

Cat

Subject: RE: BS: Disasters, Culinary
From: GUEST,Diva
Date: 23 Apr 03 - 02:06 PM

Many and various but my fav is not mine but my mums!!!!! Before pizza's were all the rage,she cooked me one with the plastic still attached. Still its been a valuable learning curve.

Subject: RE: BS: Disasters, Culinary
From: Alba
Date: 23 Apr 03 - 09:42 AM

I don't know if this counts as a "Culinary disaster" but just after my Mother had painted our dining room in a lovely rich cream colour. I shook the Heinz Ketchup Bottle, the lid came off in the process and sprayed the wall with a substansial amount of the contents. I was popular that day! The place looked like a crime scene!
A:>)

Subject: RE: BS: Disasters, Culinary
From: MMario
Date: 23 Apr 03 - 09:28 AM

There was the year my B-I-L decided to have a goose for Easter Dinner - I *think* I finally managed to get all the grease cleaned up within a month.

Subject: RE: BS: Disasters, Culinary
From: GUEST,Jon
Date: 23 Apr 03 - 09:26 AM

I've just had one.

I saw a tin of tuna in one of the top shelves and decided I quite fancied a tuna sandwich. Anyway, I reached up for the tuna but knocked a tin of custard powder off the shelf. I managed to catch the falling tin but whoever had last used the tin had not put the lid on tight. I ended up covered from head to toe in custard powder.

Subject: RE: BS: Disasters, Culinary
From: Rapparee
Date: 17 Apr 03 - 07:03 AM

I agree with MMario about frozen meats: properly prepared, packaged and frozen they can keep for a looooooooooooooooong time. I have commercially processed, packaged and frozen venison that is consumed safely, tastely, and happily six years after the deer was taken.

Mind you, I wouldn't do this with stuff that was done up at home -- home freezers just don't freeze things fast enough, and you can't (usually) package or butcher as well as professionals.

Speaking of which.... My youngest brother shot a deer and took it home to butcher. He did a good job of it, and when the meat was all wrapped and in his freezer he took the bones and so forth down to the city's parking lot for garbage trucks (the city recommended this). It was well after dark, and as he was loading the stuff into a truck for disposal, a leg bone fell out of the package. Just a a police car hit him and his load with a spotlight. To a rookie cop a deer's leg bone looks just like a human leg bone...and where better to hide the evidence of a gruesome murder than in with parts of a former deer? Fortunately for my bro, the rookie's partner was our Uncle, who thought the whole thing was funny as all git out.

Subject: RE: BS: Disasters, Culinary
From: GUEST,Elfcall
Date: 17 Apr 03 - 05:36 AM

Thank you one and all for sharing your disasters. Some of the stories have made me laugh out loud and that does not happen too often!

Most of my kitchen disasters are limited to self mutilation of digits with knives recklessly opening food packages or using a particularly stupidly designed knife sharpener. (Even after two accidents I still have not replaced it and can think of no good reason why not!!)

My worst culinary disaster is with lava bread a (south?) Welsh delicacy which is essentially seaweed boiled to a sticky green consistency. My family recipe is for it to be rolled in oatmeal(or at a push flour) and then fried as small patties in bacon fat. Very tasty I assure you and mine would have been too if only I could have removed them from the pan!! The combined look of 'raw' lava bread, burnt lava bread, and uncooked flour which was eventually scraped from the pan was consigned to the bin. Back to Mum for more instruction!!

Thanks again

Elfcall

Subject: RE: BS: Disasters, Culinary
From: GUEST,pdc
Date: 17 Apr 03 - 12:47 AM

Okay, I've been resisting, but the rest of you have all been so honest that I have to take my turn.

New bride, married 3 weeks. New husband loves lemon meringue pie, and she has never made one, but how hard can it be?

She makes up her big batch of pastry dough, rolls out enough for the pie plate, pricks it, chills it 30 minutes, re-pricks it, pops in the oven. Ten minutes later the pastry has shrunk to a tiny blob in the middle of the pie plate.

So she rolls out another batch, pricks it, chills it 1 hour, re-pricks it, into the oven. Ten minutes later, pastry is a small blob in the middle of the pie plate.

Using the last of the pastry, she rolls it out a final time, pricks it, chills it 1 hour, re-pricks it, and in a rage of tears, SCOTCH TAPES THE EDGES OF THE PASTRY TO THE PIE PAN and pops it in the oven. Ten minutes later, the pastry has torn away from the scotch tape, the tape has melted, and . . . the pastry has shrunk to a tiny blob in the middle of the pie plate.

That night we had the pie filling as pudding for dinner. I learned later that the pastry recipe I used does not make a pre-baked pie shell, and that if you try . . . see above.

Subject: RE: BS: Disasters, Culinary
From: Allan C.
Date: 16 Apr 03 - 07:45 PM

A friend once served some guests a fresh tossed salad with the supper she had prepared. One of the guests took a big bite of the salad. Then, with a look of total shock on his face and with his mouth still quite full, he asked, "Did thomone put thoap in the thalad?" It turned out that he had never tasted avocados before.

Subject: RE: BS: Disasters, Culinary
From: SINSULL
Date: 16 Apr 03 - 07:25 PM

Everytime you open the freezer door the temperature changes. Amazing that the turkey didn't walk into the oven on its own. Yucch!

Subject: RE: BS: Disasters, Culinary
From: MMario
Date: 16 Apr 03 - 01:42 PM

Allan - granted - I fudged on it. A year would be the recommended keeping a frozen turkey "as is" purchased. Two years would probably be about max before you could really tell .

However - if repackaged PROPERLY for long term storage (and long term is usually done at -20 rather then 0 degree.)_ blind taste tests have shown no difference at 5, 10, 15 and 20 years.

Subject: RE: BS: Disasters, Culinary
From: MMario
Date: 16 Apr 03 - 01:36 PM

actually - as part of various college courses in food preparation and processing I have eaten foods including meat and poultry that have been frozen as long as twenty years.

what is disgusting about it? it's been FROZEN! virtually no chemical activity - no biological activity. The biggest hazard is that if it wasn't properly wrapped and stored the water will leach out and it will be freeze dried. Next to no loss of nutritive value -(more is lost in cooking) no hazard.

face it - compared to eating eggs - that's nothing.

Subject: RE: BS: Disasters, Culinary
From: Allan C.
Date: 16 Apr 03 - 01:35 PM

Sorry, Mario, gotta call you on this one. The National Turkey Federation has a very different opinion as does the U.S. Department of Agriculture Food Safety and Inspection Service.

Subject: RE: BS: Disasters, Culinary
From: Peg
Date: 16 Apr 03 - 01:32 PM

Mmario;

I hope by saying that you don't mean you have eaten frozen foods that have been around for five years or longer...that's disgusting.
Then again, if you didn't know for sure, how could one tell?
I do know that turkey was said to have tasted pretty awful...

Now I am paranoid.

Subject: RE: BS: Disasters, Culinary
From: MMario
Date: 16 Apr 03 - 01:25 PM

If your freezer is at the right temperature and it is both wrapped and thawed and cooked correctly five years in a freezer shouldn't effect a turkey - or a steak for that matter!

Subject: RE: BS: Disasters, Culinary
From: Beccy
Date: 16 Apr 03 - 01:02 PM

Oh, Peg... I'm gagging.

That reminds me of a story my pastor told me. His grandmother, also senile, insisted on cooking dinner for him, his wife, and 4 kids who were all coming to visit. Their arrival was delayed by one day. They were dismayed when she walked them through the kitchen to welcome them and proudly displayed the pot of spaghetti she had prepared at noon the previous day and the panful of meat sauce that she prepared simultaneously that had been sitting on the counter all night and day as well. The worst of it was that she insisted they all eat.

Beccy

Subject: RE: BS: Disasters, Culinary
From: Peg
Date: 16 Apr 03 - 11:47 AM

Allan; reminds me of something my grandmother did when she started to go a bit senile...
She was always hyper-thrifty (Depression era habits) and the basement shelves and freezers were always full of stuff she'd bought on sale, or canned herself, some of it there for years.
One year she offered to donate the turkey for a Thanksgiving dinner being cooked by her daughter-in-law (my aunt). My aunt cooked it, everyone ate it, and afterwards my grandmother asked what everyone thought of the turkey. My aunt was unenthusiastic but didn't want to be openly critical.
My grandmother then said "You'd never know that turkey had been in the freezer for five years."
Everyone was mortified.
Glad I missed that dinner.

Speaking of which, there's nothing better than a fresh-killed turkey if you can get one in your area...

Subject: RE: BS: Disasters, Culinary
From: Allan C.
Date: 16 Apr 03 - 11:14 AM

These tales aren't exactly about disasters; but more accurately are about the prevention of one or two:

Years ago I had a guy living next door who seemed to think I knew something about cooking. Once in awhile he would knock on my door to ask my advice on how to cook something. Mostly, though, it seemed that he had no sense of the refrigerator life of some items.

One day he asked me if bacon was like cheese. I was fascinated by the question and eagerly awaited more details so that I could figure out how he arrived at such a comparison. Continuing his thought he asked, "Well, y'know how with cheese you can scrape off that blue stuff and still use it? I was just wondering..."

I remember one November that he was so proud that he somehow managed to bake a turkey for a Thanksgiving dinner that he served to his girlfriend. In mid-January he asked me a question about how long one could safely keep a turkey in the refrigerator...

Subject: RE: BS: Disasters, Culinary
From: Amos
Date: 16 Apr 03 - 10:44 AM

Allan C:

I used to have that very same problem doing water-colors in grade school -- very demoralizing,t hat! :>)

A

Subject: RE: BS: Disasters, Culinary
From: Mr Red
Date: 16 Apr 03 - 09:35 AM

GUEST,Rapaire
I think your problems started with the onions.

"anyone who likes onions can't be all good"

Subject: RE: BS: Disasters, Culinary
From: gnu
Date: 16 Apr 03 - 08:24 AM

Did you get shitfaced ?

Subject: RE: BS: Disasters, Culinary
From: Rapparee
Date: 16 Apr 03 - 07:35 AM

A friend's mother used to make red and green Whiskey Sours for Christmas. We never mixed them, but we did refer to them as "Red Shit" and "Green Shit." She eventually began to offer us "Red Shit" or "Green Shit" when we'd come over.

Subject: RE: BS: Disasters, Culinary
From: Allan C.
Date: 16 Apr 03 - 01:23 AM

For a Christmas party I once hosted, I decided that a well-spiked punch would be suitable. In keeping with the colors of the season I created a beautiful and powerfully spirited punch. To keep the punch cold and to festively decorate it, I used a mold to make a large ring of ice. Again keeping with the traditional colors, I dumped a bunch of red food coloring into the ring before freezing it.

Just as the guests arrived, I proudly set the punch as the centerpiece of the snack table. It looked lovely! There were slices of lime suspended here and there in the green punch and the red ice ring danced festively in the bowl as my guests filled their glasses. It wasn't until a short time later that I realized my mistake. The red of the ice ring began to mix with the green punch. The result quickly became a murky brown. Luckily, the guests had become so snockered by then that the color didn't seem to matter very much - or at least I didn't think so until I overheard someone say they were going to pour themselves "some more of Allan's 'brown death' punch!"

Subject: RE: BS: Disasters, Culinary
From: RangerSteve
Date: 15 Apr 03 - 09:54 PM

Only Jewish mothers can make chopped chicken livers. I am neither Jewish or a mother, and therefore unable to make them properly.   
Cooking tip: the little green things in a container of chicken livers are gall bladders, and you need to remove them. Believe me, you don't want to taste a gall bladder.

Subject: RE: BS: Disasters, Culinary
From: Li'l Aussie Bleeder
Date: 15 Apr 03 - 06:54 PM

Great Chicken Recipe:

When I found this recipe I thought it was perfect for those who
just are not sure how to tell when poultry is cooked thoroughly
but not dried out. Give this a try.

Baked Stuffed Chicken
2-3 kg chicken
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing
1 cup uncooked popcorn
salt & pepper to taste

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
Brush chicken well with melted butter, salt and pepper.
Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn.
Place in baking pan in the oven.
Listen for the popping sounds.



When the chicken's ass blows out of the oven door and flies
across the room,

the chicken is done.

Subject: RE: BS: Disasters, Culinary
From: SINSULL
Date: 15 Apr 03 - 06:23 PM

One day I decided to make a pitcher of whiskey sours for myself and some friends. Easy, good recipe:
1 Can frozen Lemonade
1 Can of whiskey
1 Can of water
1 Can of Ice
1 Egg

Throw it all in the blender and let it rip.
Well, I had a large crowd so I decided to put in one cup of each ingredient starting with the whiskey. I may have been licking my fingers because as I was pouring in the whiskey to the 1 Cup Line, my father walked in from work, took one look, and shouted "What the hell are you doing?" The seal on the blender was not tight. I had poured almost an entire fifth of Jack Daniels in the top and out the bottom. There was bourbon everywhere - the counter, the floor, me. A terrible waste but the kitchen smelled like heaven for weeks.


I am infamous for my pies. No matter what I do the crust is grim. So I searched and searched for a recipe to produce a "to die for" crust and found an elaborate, three day ritual recipe that involved rolling layers of dough and butter, freezing, rolling. My brothers watched the whole process doubtfully but when the pie was baked it was spectacular. The crust was a golden mound; the filling smelled wonderful. Unfortunately it literally took a hammer and screw driver to break into it. I no longer do pies.

A friend of mine had just married and held her first "party". She spent days preparing a feast for her friends and husband's workmates. She never drank but decided to have a glass of wine to calm her nerves. While her husband served the canapes, she was in the kitchen putting the final touches to a fondue. Without thinking, she stirred it with a large plastic spoon and...the spoon came out bowlless. After fishing for it for a while, she shrugged and served it anyway. But by now her head was spinning so she told her husband that she would lie down just for a few minutes and was not seen again. Next morning, to her horror, she found ALL THE FOOD still in the refrigerator. Her husband, not the brightest bulb in the box, had not served any of it nor attempted to wake her up. Woman's work, I guess. Never saw her take a drink again.

Subject: RE: BS: Disasters, Culinary
From: Beccy
Date: 15 Apr 03 - 05:02 PM

I have a couple. I am a stay-at-home mom who is a former professional chef. I think it's rather ironic that I come from a mother who doesn't measure ANYTHING 'cause it is too much trouble. This, more often than not- and especially in baking- results less in the "happy accidents" that she prizes so much and more in hockey pucks at the dinner table. Most famously, she loves to make crescent rolls for all holiday fetes. Proper crescent rolls are fabulous. One year, because she doesn't own measuring cups or spoons, she made the entire thing using a teacup (with a capacity of about 2/3 cup) as her 1 cup measure and an iced tea spoon (about 1 1/2 tsp.) as her tablespoon measure. On everything else, she guessed. They were tough as nails and probably could've been used as door stops. However, she is such a fabulous woman and such a lover of humankind that no one had the heart to tell her that they were awful. We all choked them down with copious amounts of water.

Of the same vein is my sister. However, she REFUSES to measure as it "stifles her creative cooking juices". Sometimes, I think the juices ought to be stifled. For a party that I was having, she offered to bring the baguettes for our bruschetta. In order to be helpful, she decided to make them herself. Her "creative juices" started flowing apparently, because she made whole-grain baguettes. Nothing wrong with that, of course, except that in her quest to never measure a thing and not use recipes (more stifling, I suppose) she guessed at what might go into a baguette. Anyone here ever make 3 12 inch long, thin, whole-grain baguettes with the equivalent of 8 cups of whole wheat flour and very little leavening? My sis did. My poor husband and his spoiled self tried his best to choke some back. What he ended up doing was pretending to take a bite and then dropping his hand below the table to feed the dog (which he is steadfastly opposed to.) The dog refused the bread and ran out from under the table.

Believe it or not, the dog never sat under the table during mealtime again.

Last, but certainly not least, is my cousin. He is vegan. He has ALWAYS eaten odd combinations, but the latest was the straw that broke the camel's back. He brought snack mix to my house when he came to visit. He wouldn't tell me what was in it 'til I tried it. I gamely stuck my hand in the jar and threw a handful in my mouth. While I tried to maintain facial composure, he proudly explained to me that it was his own special blend of raw garlic, raisins, wheat germ, and carob chips. WOW! I'm thinking maybe, just maybe, I'll think twice before taking THAT leap of faith again.

My own disaster? I tried making a very slack spinach pasta in a brand new pasta maker 30 minutes before dinner guests arrived. I blended the pasta without incident and switched it over to extrude whereupon it made a sickening crunching sound and promptly exploded spinach pasta goo all over my ceiling, floor and counter top. Luckily, they were bachelor friends of my husband's and were THRILLED with a quick home-made pizza (made on carefully measured crust, I might add...) :-)

Beccy

Subject: RE: BS: Disasters, Culinary
From: Amos
Date: 15 Apr 03 - 04:15 PM

Whatever ya got, Beccy! :>)

A

Subject: RE: BS: Disasters, Culinary
From: Beccy
Date: 15 Apr 03 - 03:17 PM

Does it have to be your own culinary disaster? Or can it be one which you were forced, by sibling bonds or other, to eat the put on a good face about it????

Beccy

Subject: RE: BS: Disasters, Culinary
From: MMario
Date: 15 Apr 03 - 02:46 PM

I think it has something to do with the dissimilar metals...

Subject: RE: BS: Disasters, Culinary
From: Allan C.
Date: 15 Apr 03 - 02:33 PM

It is with no small amount of pride that I can honestly say I have only cooked one dish (so far) that was so bad I was ashamed to feed it to a dog. However, I have experienced a few odd events in the kitchen.

Once I cooked a tremendous batch of corned beef & hash browns (potatoes) with onions in an iron skillet. There was plenty left over after supper and I was just about to spoon the remainder into a plastic storage container when I was urgently called away to a friend's house. I quickly covered the skillet with some aluminum foil and placed it into the refrigerator. By the time I returned from my errand I was exhausted and gave no more thought to the skillet until the following evening.

Thinking that I would have some leftovers for supper, I retrieved the skillet from the refrigerator only to discover that the aluminum foil had great, irregular holes in it! The holes looked as though someone had dripped acid onto the aluminum. Although I have never been certain of the reason for this mysterious event, my best guess is this: Somehow the combination of the iron skillet, the potatoes and onions (and aluminum?) may have had some manner of chemical reaction. Possibly this reaction could have released acidic fumes that condensed upon the foil and were strong enough to eat through the aluminum. An alternative theory is that the dissimilar metals, in conjunction with the potatoes and onions somehow created a crude electrical charge that arced to melt the aluminum.

Anyone want to venture a more satisfactory explanation?

Subject: RE: BS: Disasters, Culinary
From: wysiwyg
Date: 15 Apr 03 - 12:16 PM

I suppose it was more of a laugh than a disaster, but I invited friends over to my new apartment for my world-famous 7-cheese lasagna, made weeks ahead in a huge batch, with dinner-party-size portions frozen.

Well, we had a fine time drinking wine and smoking, waiting for it to come out of the oven. At the appointed time I pulled it out to serve. We then commenced enjoying ANOTHER long, fine time drinking and smoking, waiting for it to come out of the oven after I turned the OVEN ON!

~Susan

Subject: RE: BS: Disasters, Culinary
From: Rapparee
Date: 15 Apr 03 - 12:09 PM

If you make a nice, thick roux for a nice, thick gravy and then let it sit and cool, you need a chisel and hammer to get it out of the pan.

Also, you CAN eat beer on cornflakes if you must.

Subject: RE: BS: Disasters, Culinary
From: Peg
Date: 15 Apr 03 - 12:04 PM

Oxfordshire, England.

The tutor invited her writing class to her home for lunch.

The salmon appetizer, the chicken salad, all was lovely...

Then came dessert, fresh strawberries and raspberries (in JULY! so they were fresh-picked and local) with Devonshire cream. I asked the tutor how she'd prepared it, and Elizabeth explained how she'd layered them with sugar and let them sit for a couple of hours to bring out the juiciness of the berries.

Her husband had, at some point the week before, replaced the sugar in the paper sack with salt. We found this out.

Everyone nibbled, well, politely. I finally recounted a similar scene from Little Women and Elizabeth was horrifed but them amused. She served us ice cream. My lanky friend Bob had gamely eaten all of his dessert without comment and within minutes his pulse was racing. We made him drink a lot of water before we left...

Subject: RE: BS: Disasters, Culinary
From: GUEST,James
Date: 15 Apr 03 - 10:00 AM

Salt Cod Fishcakes without having soaked and drained the salt cod first............AGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH,Also, a green food colour once got into me gravy.....tasted grand but looked awful. However, I now do it by request on Paddy's day.

Subject: RE: BS: Disasters, Culinary
From: Sandra in Sydney
Date: 15 Apr 03 - 08:58 AM

I started laughing out loud when reading Liz the Squeak's post, then the tears started with JenEllen & continued with Rick Fielding's post.

It's hard to read thru wet eyes.

When I was a young pup (not long away from my mother's bad cooking - she HATES cooking & slams pans etc) I was happily boiling a sugar sauce & ended up with something resembling charcoal & black smoke all over the place. As this was 1978 I can't recall the full details (did I leave the kitchen to do something else?) but I remember the very interesting texture of the resulting mess - it was a black brittle aerated mass, looking more like something from the bottom of a large furnace than a small pan.

When my younger sister was at primary school she cooked her first cake (no cake mix here). It was about half an inch tall & we all had the same thought - don't upset the proud cook, say its yummy, don't comment on it's appearance. But it was & we wolfed it down (didn't take long, there wasn't much!)

sandra

Subject: RE: BS: Disasters, Culinary
From: GUEST,Sooz(at work)
Date: 15 Apr 03 - 08:18 AM

My own best calamity was picking up the wrong jar of white crystals to add to the custard. It was salt and it ruined a great cherry crumble. (I leave stuff in the bags now and don't bother with storage jars)
When my Mum first got a pressure cooker she carefully followed the instructions for mushy peas. Trouble was, she didn't have the patience to let the pressure reduce before she lifted the weights. (I was sent up to scrape the ceiling)
The family have been heard to say that they suffer from a Culinary Thrombosis. (A clot in the kitchen!)

Subject: RE: BS: Disasters, Culinary
From: gnu
Date: 15 Apr 03 - 07:37 AM

I was NOT drinking, as has been reported, the night I ruined the hot air popcorn popper by grabbing the bag of yellow split peas instead of the bag of popping corn. Although... I can't think of any other excuse without the word "stunned" in it.

I WAS drinking the night that I figured the steaks would be perfect if I shut the propane off and went in the house to get a platter, another beer, and use the facilities. I returned about five minutes later to find that a fat fire had started and roared unchecked, absolutely charring four large (1 kilo each) blade steaks beyond recognition. The hot dogs were okay... boiled on the stove.

Subject: RE: BS: Disasters, Culinary
From: katlaughing
Date: 15 Apr 03 - 03:32 AM

My dad will be 86 next month and still eats either a peanut butter sandwich or an onion sandwich every day for lunch! I think it's part of his secret to longevity.:-)

My son made me an angel food cake when he was about 8 years old. He didn't know it needed to be in a cake pan. He'd poured it out onto a cookie sheet. He'd also arranged with a neighbour to invite me over for a few minutes, so that he could cook it and surprise me. Unbeknownst to me, he called her in a slight panic. She calmed him down and then a little while later I said goodbye and went home.

When I got there, he had the cookie sheet in his hands, with crumbling, flat cake baked all over it and over the sides. He'd stuck a twig in the middle and attached a sign at the top which said "To the World's Best Mom."

Well, I had to have some. What nobody warned me of, was his emergency call to my friend was that it had dripped over and caught on fire in the oven. He knew to throw baking soda on it to put it out, but wanted to know how to get it off of the cake! He couldn't, since it was still cooking, SO...I got a very mouth-puckering cake to eat, just full of tasty baking soda!

kat