BS: First Joke Thread for 2004

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: freda underhill
Date: 30 Jan 04 - 09:12 AM

Take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition:

1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

2. Reintardation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

3. Bozone: The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late..

9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: harlowpoet
Date: 31 Jan 04 - 06:51 AM

Two men were about to tee off for a game of golf, when a stranger comes along and asks if if can join them in the round. They agree, and the three of them commence the game.

After a while , they get talking, and one of them asked the stranger what he did for a living. He said "I'm a hitman". They looked stunned, so he says,"Yes really". Then from among his set of golf clubs, pulls out a long range rifle, complete with telescopic sight. "Here, have a look he says", handing it to them. One of them holds it up, then looks through the telescopic sight. In the distance he sees his house. He looks at his bedroom window, and says " Oh look, there's my wife. Hey, hold on a minute. There's a bloke with her. It's my next door neighbour. They're both naked!" I'm not having this. Then asks the hitman how much he charges for a hit.

The hitman says says £1000. The man says "Right, I'll have two hits, thats £2000. One for him, and one for her. What I want you to do is shoot him down below, and her in the mouth".

The hit man says "OK", then takes aim with his rifle. He's just about to shoot, when he stops and says, "Actually, I think I can save you £1000!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: GUEST,JTT
Date: 31 Jan 04 - 01:44 PM

Oldie but a goodie:

Why do women have orgasms?
Ach, it's just one more thing for them to be *moaning* and *groaning* about.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: freightdawg
Date: 31 Jan 04 - 07:23 PM

A man and his wife were talking one night. "Honey" she says, "if I died would you remarry?"

"Why, darlin', you know you are the only one for me."

"Yes, I know, but if I'm gone, would you remarry?"

"Well, if you were gone, I might get married again, but sweetie, I want you to know you are the only woman for me."

"Well," she continues, "if you remarry, would she live in this house?"

"I guess if I did get married again, then yes, probably so" says the husband.

"Would she sleep in this bed?" the woman asked.

"Look, honey, you are weirding me out here," says the husband. "I don't want to talk about you dying and leaving me. But yes, if you died and if I remarried and if we lived in this house then yes, we would probably sleep in this bed together."

"Would she use my golf clubs?" asked the wife.

"Oh, no, she couldn't." says he, "She is left-handed."

Freightdawg

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: Dharmabum
Date: 31 Jan 04 - 10:26 PM

Three surgeons at an international medical conference,boasting to one another.
The first,a surgeon from Poland says,"In Warsaw,we removed the kidneys from a baboon,transplanted them into a 36 year old man,& had him out looking for work within a month!"
"That's nothing"commented the French surgeon"In Paris,we removed the heart of a pig,transplanted it into a 40 year old man,& had him searching for work within two weeks!"
Finally,the surgeon from Texas speaks up,"Well boys,I'm afraid I gotcha beat".
"We took a jackass outa Texas,put 'im in Washington,& by the next day we had half the country out lookin' for work!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: Sandra in Sydney
Date: 01 Feb 04 - 07:20 AM

Crawford, TX, January 28 (AP) In an effort to reach out to Constituencies outside his traditional power base, President George W. Bush today announced a new "note cut" initiative, intended to appeal to classical musicians.

Speaking from his ranch in Crawford, Texas, the President prefaced his remarks with some general observations. "Music is a good thing. I like music because I like good things, and music is good for America. It's fundamentalistic to the American spirit. Classically-orientated musicians -- the ones that play in orchestras, in the churches of this great country of ours, in contra dance bands, and on the telephone when you're put on hold while calling any one of our Fortune 500 companies—are especially important, because they play a whole lot of notes. And these are good, American notes, that haven't been genetically altered, which Laura and I prize very highly. As I like to say, what you don't know you have can't hurt you if you're not there."

The President went on to explain the reasons for his new initiative "For too long these good musical Americans have been playing lots and lots of notes, and haven't been getting anything in return. These here notes belong to the American people, and it's time to give some of them back."

The administration's plan calls for a one-time refund of 3,000 notes to tax-paying and note-playing American classical musicians. Chamber musicians who play sonatas together in long-standing legal or church-sanctioned relationships are entitled to a refund of 6,000 notes. String quartets will receive a one-time refund of 10,000 notes, as follows: 5,000 for first violinists, 3,000 for second violinists, 1,500 for cellists, and only 500 for violists. Already this arrangement has generated considerable controversy, since it clearly favors the upper instruments. Pianists are entitled to a 15,000-note refund, because in the words of the President, "They play lots and lots and lots of notes. Their fingers must be really well-oiled. Those digits can really add up, musicologistically speaking."

Back in Washington, Democrats are already gearing up for a fight. They point to the plan's inequitable distribution of notes. Citing the latest figures from the music division of the General Accounting Office, they also claim that Bush's initiative is musically irresponsible. Noting recent reports indicating the President's tax refund, in conjunction with the sliding economy, has now effectively erased any budget surplus, they find parallels in Bush's note-cut initiative. They warn ominously that his plan threatens the all-important Musical Security Hemi-, Demi, and Semi-Quaver Reserve.

On Friday, Representative Richard A. Gephardt painted a grim picture of what, in Democrats' eyes, the future holds. "Giving musicians notes back doesn't mean they're going to use them wisely, and it won't help the nation's musical health. We'd run the very real risk of running out of notes."

"Imagine," Gephardt continued, "a Brahms symphony petering out in performance for a lack of notes. First thing you know, musicians will be leaving out all the fast movements because they don't have enough notes to get through them. Mendelssohn will suffer the most, especially the last movement of the Octet."

Apprised of Gephardt's remarks on the way to a pig roast at his ranch, President Bush responded, "Nope. Not gonna happen. I intend to be the defense, education, and fast-movement president. If Congress minds its musical matters, we'll have enough left for Brahms and the Mendelssohn Octagon, too."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: Amos
Date: 01 Feb 04 - 02:31 PM

THE YEAR'S BEST [ACTUAL] HEADLINES OF 2003:


Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Crack Found on Governor's Daughter

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect homicide

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: GUEST,JTT
Date: 01 Feb 04 - 07:12 PM

(Only understandable to Irish Catters in its present form: translate for local conditions.)

The war is going on in Bosnia and refugees are rushed all over Europe. One little Bosnian kid is in Limerick, and he rings his ma at home.

"Ma," he says, "I played a football match for the school!"

"Son, your sister has been raped. I have no time for this."

"But Ma, I scored the winning goal!"

"Your brother has been stabbed. Don't talk to me about goals."

"But Ma, I scored a *hat trick*!"

"Your father has been raped *and* shot. Leave me alone."

"But Ma, it's not *my* fault!"

"It was you that wanted to move to Limerick."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 04 Feb 04 - 02:47 AM

In the good old days of the Prussian Army, about 1900.
On parade ground:
- This man! Where are you coming from?
- I have dined, Sergeant Major.
- Nonsense! His Majesty dines! I eat! You feed!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: GUEST,Guest
Date: 04 Feb 04 - 04:47 AM

Just heard that they are making a film about Dr Harold Shipman (serial killer in UK) to be called 'The Old Dear Hunter'

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: Dead Horse
Date: 04 Feb 04 - 02:20 PM

Apparantly Shipman was very fond of apples.
His last words were "I could murder a Granny Smith"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 04 Feb 04 - 03:49 PM

OK, I know these are old, but they age nicely......

THE ORIGINAL HOLLYWOOD SQUARES

If you remember The Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this will bring a tear to your eyes.These great questions and answers are from the days when "Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous and clever, not scripted and (often)dull as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a   woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is       politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the CampFireGirls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is their anything wrong with getting into the habit   of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo!
      Poo!" What does this mean?
A. George Gobel: Cattle crossing.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what   was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has   actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and Laugh

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 05 Feb 04 - 09:33 AM

The Army is supplied with a big brand new computer to support decision making on the battlefield. For weeks the Input Platoon is hammering away at their keyboards all data available: Forces, own, allied and enemy, the units down to the last platoon, reserves, gear, tanks, guns, planes, ammo of all calibres, missiles, commanding officers' talents, sucesses and failures, all own, allied, enemy and so on.
Finally the work is done. All are awaiting the fast and final decisions. The general presses the decision button.
The computer hums a little bit, and then - clickety click - out comes a little sheet: "YES".
Baffled silence. The general asks: "Yes, what?" and the operator puts it in.
The computer hums a little bit, and then - clickety click ... clickety click - out comes a little sheet: "YES, SIR".

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: SueB
Date: 05 Feb 04 - 12:46 PM

Thank you, DaveO - I'm old enough to remember coming home from school in the afternoon and watching Hollywood Squares with my grandmother. Takes me back. Paul Lynde was great as the voice of Templeton the rat in Charlotte's Web, too.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 06 Feb 04 - 06:45 PM

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done, there were three finalists...two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men aside. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. "Kill her!!!"

"You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.

She wiped the sweat from her brow, "This gun is loaded with blanks", she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

MORAL : women always do their job properly.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 08 Feb 04 - 05:48 AM

Flight Attendant

    An airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks.

    As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvel has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super."

    On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

    She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."

    To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I out-rank you. Tray-up, b*tch!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 09 Feb 04 - 08:17 PM

Understanding Hoosier Culture 101

* Know the state casserole.*
The state casserole consists of canned green beans, Campbell's cream ofmushroom soup and dried onions. You can take this casserole to any social event and know you'll be accepted.

* Get used to food festivals.*
The Indiana General Assembly, in an effort to grow bigger athletes, passed legislation years ago requiring every incorporated community to have atleast one festival per year dedicated to a high-fat food. It's your duty as a Hoosier to attend these festivals and buy at least one elephant ear.

* Know the geography.*
Of Florida, that is. There are Hoosiers who couldn't tell you where Evansville is but they know the exact distance from Fort Myers to
Bonita Springs. That's because all Hoosiers go to Florida in the winter. Or plan to when they retire. Or are related to retired Hoosiers who have a place in Sarasota. Hoosiers consider Florida the Lower Peninsula of Indiana. If you can't afford to spend the winter in Florida, use the state excuse ... you stay here because you enjoy the change of season. You'll be lying, but that's OK. We've all done it.


* Speaking of Indiana weather, wear layers or die.*
The thing to remember about Indiana seasons is they can occur at any time. We have spring-like days in January and wintery weekends in October. April is capable of providing a sampling of all four seasons in a single 24-hour period. For these reasons, Indiana is the Layering Capital of the World. Even layering can pose danger. Golfers have been known to dress for hypothermia and end up dead of heat stroke because they couldn't strip off the layers of plaid fast enough on a changeable spring morning.

* Don't take Indiana place names literally.*
If a town has the same name as a foreign city--Valparaiso and Versailles, for example--you must not pronounce them the way foreigners do, lest you come under suspicion as a spy. Also, East Enterprise has no counterpart on the west side of the state. South Bend is in the north. North Vernon is in the south and French Lick isn't what you think, either.

* Become mulch literate.*
Hoosiers love mulch and appreciate its subtle differences. Learn the difference between hardwood, cypress and pine bark at least. Researchers think the state affinity for mulch derives from its relatively flat terrain. People have a subconscious need for topography, and when it can't be supplied naturally, they're more likely to make little mulch hills in their front yards.

* You gotta know sports.*
In order to talk sports with fans in Indiana, you have to be knowledgeable on threelevels--professional, college and high school. The Indiana sports fan knows not only the name of the hotshot center at Abercrombie and Fitch High School, but also what colleges he's interested in, how much he bench-presses, who he took to the prom, and what he got on his biology quiz last week.

* Remember that Hoosiers are never first to embrace trends.*
When they do embrace them, they do so with Midwestern pragmatism. For example, if you see a Hoosier with a nose ring, there's a good chance he's had it undercoated to guard against rust.

*The best way to sell something in Indiana is to attach the term "Amish" to it.* The product need not be genuinely Amish. This would explain the existence of Amish moo shu pork.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM INDIANA WHEN:
* You think the state Bird is Larry.
* You can say "French Lick" without laughing.
* There's a college near you named "Ball State."
* You know Batesville is the casket-making capital of the world and you're proud of it.
* You could never figure out spring ahead-fall back, so screw Daylight Savings Time!
* Your feelings get hurt when someone points out the acronym for Purdue University is PU.
* You know several people who've hit a deer.
* Down south to you means "Kentucky".
* You have no problem spelling or pronouncing Terre Haute.
* Your school classes were canceled because of cold.
* Your school classes were canceled because of heat.
* You know what the phrase "knee-high by the 4th of July" means.
* You've heard of Euchre, you know how to play Euchre, and you are a master of Euchre.
* You've seen a running car with nobody in it in the parking lot of the grocery store, no matter what time of year it is.
* Detassling was your first job. Bailing hay, your second. Or you could stack hay, swim in the pond to clean off and then have the strength to play a couple of games of hoops, all in the same barn lot on the same day.
* You say things like cattywampus and kittycorner and know what they mean.
* You install security lights on your house and garage, then leave them both unlocked.
* You carry jumper cables in your car.
* You drink pop. You catch frogs at the crick. If you want someone to hear you, you holler at 'em.
* You know that baling wire was the predecessor to duct tape.
* You know that strangers are the only ones who come to your front door.
* Kids and dogs ride in the passenger seats of cars and the backs of pickups.
* You think nothing of driving on the roads and being stuck behind a farmimplement in spring and fall. You just hope it's not a hog truck or a manure spreader.
* High school basketball games draw bigger crowds on the weekend than movie theaters.
* Driving is better in winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
* The local paper covers national and international headlines on one page but requires six for local sports.
* You can repeat the scores of the last eight NBA games, but unless the MVP is a Hoosier, you're not sure who he is.
* You can see at least two basketball hoops from your yard.
* You can name every one of Bobby Knight's exploits over the last few years.
* The biggest question of your youth was IU or Purdue.
* Indianapolis is the BIG CITY.
* Getting stuck by a train is a legitimate excuse for being late to school or work.
* Everyone knows who the town cops are, where they live, and whether they're at home or on duty.
* You've been to the Covered Bridge Festival. And you took back roads to get there. Why sit in traffic?
* To you, tenderloin is not an expensive cut of beef, but a big, salty, breaded, fried piece of pork served on a bun.
* You end your sentences with prepositions, as in "Where's it at?" or "Where's he going to?"

If you're a Hoosier or have Hoosier roots you'll have found everything mentioned perfectly normal.

Dave Oesterreich, reporting from Indianapolis

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: Cluin
Date: 17 Feb 04 - 12:30 PM

A jumbo jet is just coming into the Toronto Airport on it's final approach. The pilot's voice comes over the intercom:
   "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto."
   However, he forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear the conversation in the cockpit...

   Co-pilot: "Well, Skipper, what are your plans for the night in Toronto?"

   Pilot: "Firstly, I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a great big stinky dump! Then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the big tits out for dinner. I'll wine her and dine her, then I plan to take her back to my room and bang her all night long."

   Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisles trying to get a look at the new stewardess. But she is at the very back of the plane. She's so embarrassed that she starts to run to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's carry-on bag and down she goes.
   The old lady leans over and says, "No need to hurry dear. He says he's gotta have a shit first."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: Cluin
Date: 17 Feb 04 - 03:28 PM

Top 10 Dogs' Pet Peeves Regarding Humans

1. Blaming your farts on me... not funny, not funny at all!

2. Yelling at me for barking ... I'm a friggin' DOG, you idiot!

3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?

4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose... STOP it!

5. Any haircut that involves bows, ribbons and perfume (our sense of smell is 100 times better than yours; the goddam stuff stinks!). Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.

6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain.

7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back there.

8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but we haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.

9. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth... you're just jealous.

10. Dog sweaters. Have you noticed the fur?

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: Sooz
Date: 18 Feb 04 - 06:33 AM

WHY WE FORWARD EMAIL JOKES

This is indeed true. Read the whole message.

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them. After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like Mother of Pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side. When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?" "This is Heaven, sir," the man answered. "Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked. "Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up." The man gestured, and the gate began to open. "Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveller asked. "I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets." The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.

After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road which led through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book. "Excuse me!" he called to the reader. "Do you have any water?" "Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there". The man pointed to a place that couldn't be seen from outside the gate. "Come on in." "How about my friend here?" the traveller gestured to the dog. "There should be a bowl by the pump." They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveller filled the bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog. When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree waiting for them. "What do you call this place?" the traveller asked. "This is Heaven," was the answer. "Well, that's confusing," the traveller said. "The man down the road said that was Heaven, too." "Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's Hell." "Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?" "No. I can see how you might think so, but we're just happy that they screen out the folks who'll leave their best friends behind."

Soooo... Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without writing a word, maybe this could explain: When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you do? You forward jokes. When you have nothing to say, but still want to keep contact, you forward jokes. When you have something to say, but don't know what, and don't know how, you forward jokes. And to let you know that you are still remembered, you are still important, you are still loved, you are still cared for, guess what you get? A forwarded joke. So my friend, next time if you get a joke, don't think that you've been sent just another forwarded joke, but that you've been thought of today and your friend on the other end of your computer wanted to send you a smile... :)

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: GUEST
Date: 18 Feb 04 - 02:40 PM

Paddy the piss-head.... Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating Ireland's draw with Germany.

Mick, the bartender, advises. "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy."

Paddy replies, "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then."

Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.

"Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.

He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face.

"Shoite, Shoite!" he exclaims.

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine.

He belly-crawls to the door and shimmies up to the doorframe.

He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk. He falls flat on his face.

"Bi 'Jesus ... I'm really focked!" He mumbles to himself.

He can see his house just a few doors down and crawls to the door and clambers up the door frame, opens the door and crawls inside.

He takes a look up the stairs and utters. "No fockin' way!" But, very slowly, step by step, he crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says, "I can make it to the bed."

He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He mumbles. "Fock it!" ...and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Mary, comes into the room carrying a cup of tea and says. "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?".

Paddy replies. "I did Mary, I was fockin' p*ssed. But how'd you know?" Mick called - you left your wheelchair at the pub.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: GUEST,Guest 911
Date: 18 Feb 04 - 03:55 PM

The seven dwarfs were in a Catholic church.
They were sitting near the rear and as the priest was speaking, they whispered and giggled amongst themselves, causing quite a disturbance.
All of a sudden, Dopey stands up and says, "Priest, are there any midget nuns in the church ?"
"No," said the priest, "There are no midget nuns in the church."
A little time passed and the dwarfs were again whispering and giggling amongst themselves causing quite a disturbance and noticeably angering the priest.
Soon, Dopey stands up again and asks, "Priest, are there any midget nuns in the city?"
"No, my son, there are no midget nuns in the city or in the church." says the priest.
Again the dwarfs resume their annoying giggling to the dismay of the priest.
Once again, Dopey stands up and asks "Priest, are there any midget nuns in the county?"
"No, my son, there are no midget nuns in the county, in the city, and no midget nuns in the church." exclaimed the priest, obviously upset. The dwarfs continue their interference.
Dopey stands up and asks, "Priest, are there any midget nuns in the country?"
The priest, totally angered, exclaims "No, my son, there are no midget nuns in the church, in the city, in the state, no midget nuns in the country, there are no midget nuns in the whole world!!! Now sit down!!!!!"
Soon afterwards, a chant can be heard from the rear of the church,
"Dopey f-ked a penguin. Dopey f-ked a penguin. Dopey f-ked a penguin."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: shankmac
Date: 19 Feb 04 - 06:27 AM

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 19 Feb 04 - 07:12 AM

- Ordering Pizza in 2010 -
By: Author Unknown

Operator "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your..."

Customer "Hi, I'd like to order... "

Operator "May I have your NIDN first, sir?"

Customer "My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh, it's 6102049998-45-54610."

Operator "Thank you, Mr. Sheehan. I see you live at 1742 Meadowland Drive, and the phone number's 494-2366. Your office number over at Lincoln Insurance is 745-2302 and your cell number's 266-2566. Which number are you calling from, sir?"

Customer "Huh? I'm at home. Where d'ya get all this information?"

Operator "We're wired into the system, sir."

Customer (Sighs) "Oh, well, I'd like to order a couple of your All-Meat Special pizzas..."

Operator "I don't think that's a good idea, sir."

Customer "Whaddya mean?"

Operator "Sir, your medical records indicate that you've got very high blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your National Health Care provider won't allow such an unhealthy choice."

Customer "Damn. What do you recommend, then?"

Operator "You might try our low-fat Soybean Yogurt Pizza. I'm sure you'll like it"

Customer "What makes you think I'd like something like that?"

Operator "Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean Recipes' from your local library last week, sir. That's why I made the suggestion."

Customer "All right, all right. Give me two family-sized ones, then. What's the damage?"

Operator "That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four kids, sir. The 'damage,' as you put it, heh, heh, comes to $49.99."

Customer "Lemme give you my credit card number."

Operator "I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in cash. Your credit card balance is over its limit."

Customer "I'll run over to the ATM and get some cash before your driver gets here."

Operator "That won't work either, sir. Your checking account's overdrawn."

Customer "Never mind. Just send the pizzas. I'll have the cash ready. How long will it take?"

Operator "We're running a little behind, sir. It'll be about 45 minutes, sir. If you're in a hurry you might want to pick 'em up while you're out getting the cash, but carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be a little awkward."

Customer "How the heck do you know I'm riding a bike?"

Operator "It says here you're in arrears on your car payments, so your car got repo'ed. But your Harley's paid up, so I just assumed that you'd be using it."

Customer "@#%/$@&?#!&?#!"

Operator "I'd advise watching your language, sir. You've already got a July 2006 conviction for cussing out a cop."

Customer (Speechless)

Operator "Will there be anything else, sir?"

Customer "No, nothing. oh, yeah, don't forget the two free liters of Coke your ad says I get with the pizzas."

Operator "I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause prevents us from offering free soda to diabetics.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 19 Feb 04 - 10:25 AM

A lady is walking down the street to work and sees a parrot in a pet store. She stops to admire the bird. The parrot says to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."

Well, the lady is furious! She storms past the store to her work.

On the way home she saw the same parrot in the window and the parrot upon seeing her says, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."

She was incredibly ticked now. The next day on the way to work she saw the same parrot and once again it said, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."

The lady was so furious that she stormed into the store and threatened to sue the store and have the bird killed. The store manager apologized profusely and promised the bird wouldn't say it again.

When the lady walked past the store after work the parrot said to her, "Hey lady."

She paused and said, "Yes?"

The bird said, "You know."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: Ironmule
Date: 23 Feb 04 - 01:09 AM

Talk about government waste.

The Nova Scotia Government funded a major study last summer to figure out why so many crows were dying on a particular stretch of highway.

Two summer students sat by the side of the highway all summer making observations that were inputted to the Government biologists for evaluation.

The study (total cost $295,000.00) reveled that over 95% of the crows were in fact killed by trucks.

It was observed the crows use a look-out system whereby one crow will sit in a tall tree or fly overhead to watch out for danger. If the look-out sees danger it will call out to warn the others.

It seems that the look-out crows were only able to say "Caaaaawwwrrrr"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 23 Feb 04 - 03:40 AM

In the mess the officers are discussing whether making love involves more fun or more hard work.
The staff officers vote for 80% work and 20% fun.
The captains decide for 50% fun and 50% work.
the young lieutenants see 80% fun and 20% work.
The colonel decides to hear another vote and calls for his batman.
The batman decides: "It is 100% fun and no work. If the were the tiniest bit of work involved, we enlisted men should have to do it."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: GUEST,Mappa Mundi
Date: 23 Feb 04 - 09:35 AM

Bloke walks in to a pub and orders a pint of bitter.

He downs it in one, screws up his face and says ugh! Piss! And leaves.

He returns the next day, orders a pint of bitter - drinks it in one,

screws up his face says ugh! piss, and leaves.

He returns the very next day, but, before he could say anything the

landlord says to him " PISS OFF "

The bloke says "Oh all right then .... I'll have a pint of mild"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 02 Mar 04 - 06:49 PM

A couple preparing for a religious conversion meets with the orthodox rabbi for their final session. The rabbi asks if they have any final questions.

The man asks, "Is it true that men and women don't dance together?"

"Yes," says the rabbi, "For modesty reasons, men and women dance separately."

"So I can't dance with my own wife?"

"No."

"Well, what about sex?" asks the man.

"Fine," says the rabbi. "A mitzvah within the marriage!"

"What about different positions?" the man asks.

"No problem," says the rabbi.

"Woman on top?" the man asks.

"Why not?" replies the rabbi.

"How about doggie-style?"

"Of course!"

"Well, what about standing up?"

"NO!" says the rabbi....

"Why Not?" asks the man.

"Could lead to dancing!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: Gareth
Date: 02 Mar 04 - 06:56 PM

Hmmm ! - These same sex weddings are getting out of hand !

Why - I hear that in State of West Virginia a man married his own Uncle !

Gareth

(PS - This side of the pond read the Forrest of Dean for West Virginia)

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: Cluin
Date: 03 Mar 04 - 12:13 AM

A photographer from a well-known national magazine was assigned to cover some widespread forest fires. The magazine wanted to show some of the heroic work of the firefighters as they battled the blaze.
   When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke was so thick it would seriously impede or make it impossible for him to photograph anything from ground level. He requested permission to rent an airplane and take photos from the air.
   The request was approved. He was told to report to a nearby airport where a single engine plane would be waiting for him. He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up near the gate.
   He jumped in with his bag and shouted, "Let's go!"
   The pilot swung the plane into the wind, and within minutes they were in the air.
   The photographer said, "Fly over the park and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures."
   "Why?" asked the pilot.
   "Because I'm a photographer for a national magazine," he responded, "and I need some close-up shots."
   The pilot was silent for a moment, then finally he stammered, "So, you're telling me you're not the flight instructor?"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: Shanghaiceltic
Date: 03 Mar 04 - 12:40 AM

A twist on an old one.

>
>
>Q: What do you call a donkey with one leg?
>A wonky donkey
>
>Q: What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye?
>A winky wonky donkey
>
>Q: What do you call a donkey with one leg, one eye and making love?
>A bonky winky wonky donkey
>
>Q: What do you call a donkey with one leg, one eye, making love while
>farting?
>A stinky bonky winky wonky donkey
>
>Q: What do you call a donkey with one leg, one eye, making love,
>farting and wearing blue suede shoes?
>A honky tonky stinky bonky winky wonky donkey
>
>Q: What do you call a donkey with one leg, one eye, makin' love,
>farting,wearing blue suede shoes and playing piano?
>A plinky plonky honky tonky stinky bonky winky wonky donkey
>
>Q: What do you call a donkey with one leg, one eye, makin' love,
>farting, wearing blue suede shoes, playing piano and driving a Bus?
>..
>..scroll down.
>..
>..
>..
>..
>..
>:
>:
>
>
>..
>..
>..
>..
>..
>..
>..
>..
>..
>..
>..
>..
>..
>
>F**kin' talented!
>

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: Mickey191
Date: 03 Mar 04 - 01:03 AM

There was this guy who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged six miles a day. One morning as he looked into the mirror to admire his body he noticed that he was suntanned all over, with one exception, his penis. He decided to do something about. He went to the beach, completely undressed and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out.

Two little old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, she began to move it around with her cane, remarking to the other old lady, "There really is no justice in the world!"
The other old lady said, "What do you mean by that?" The first old lady said, "Look at that.

When I was 20, I was curious about it.
When I was 30, I enjoyed it.
When I was 40, I asked for it.
When I was 50, I paid for it.
When I was 60, I prayed for it.
When I was 70, I forgot about it.
And now that I'm 80, the damn things are growing wild and I'm to old to squat."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 03 Mar 04 - 11:02 AM

"Wacky Warning Labels"

Warning on a bottle of drain cleaner: "If you do not understand, or cannot read, all directions, cautions and warnings, do not use this product." That warning is the first place winner of the 2004 Wacky Warning Label Contest. The Michigan Lawsuit Abuse Watch, a group whose goal is to show that the fear of frivolous lawsuits has led to a loss of corporate common sense, sponsors the annual contest for the wackiest warning labels.

Second place: On a snow sled: "Beware: sled may develop high speed under certain snow conditions."

Third place: On a 12-inch-high storage rack for compact discs: "Do not use as a ladder."

Fourth place: A 5-inch fishing lure with three nasty steel hooks advises it is "Harmful if swallowed." Too bad fish can't read!

Previous winners in the "Wacky Warning Label Contest" are presented here for your amusement and amazement:

--A warning on an electric router made for carpenters cautions, "This product not intended for use as a dental drill."

--A warning label found on a baby stroller cautions the user: "Remove child before folding."

--A bottle of prescription sleeping pills says, "Warning: May cause drowsiness."

--A sticker on a toilet at a public facility in Ann Arbor, Michigan actually warns: "Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking."

--A CD player carries this unusual warning: "Do not use the Ultradisc2000 as a projectile in a catapult."

--An "Aim-n-Flame" fireplace lighter cautions, "Do not use near fire, flame, or sparks."

--A label on a hand-held massager advises consumers not to use "while sleeping or unconscious."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: Cluin
Date: 03 Mar 04 - 11:09 AM

A Scottish Jew who had worked hard all his life in Edinburgh decided that he would like to enjoy life a little, so he went to the exclusive St. Andrews Club. He was told on applying that his application would have to be approved by the Membership Board and that he would receive their decision in a couple of days.
   Two days later he was told that his application was refused. He went to the club and asked why.
   The reply was another question: "Well, you're Jewish, aren't you?"
   "Aye, so I was born here, " he answered, "But I'm Scottish as you are yourself."
   "Well, you understand that we wear our kilts regimental style," he was told, "With nothing on underneath but God's own clean air."
   "Aye, all ken that right enough."
   "And, being Jewish, you're bound to be circumcised?"
   "Aye, I am that."
   "Well," the official explained, "The Board decided that the membership would not tolerate a circumcised man parading around with us."
   "Och! Away with ye, man!" the Jew cried. "I know I need to be a Protty to march in the Orangemans' Parade, and a Catholic to belong to the Knights of Columbus, but this is the first I've heard that a man has to be a complete prick to be a Scot!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: GUEST,JTT
Date: 03 Mar 04 - 03:05 PM

A primary teacher starts a new job at a school in South Roscommon and, trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she is a Roscommon fan.

She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Roscommon fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.

The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?"

"Because I'm not a Roscommon fan," she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asked: "Well, if you're not a Roscommon fan, then who are you a fan of?"

"I'm a Cork fan, and proud of it," Mary replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Cork fan?"

"Because my Mum and Dad are from Cork, and my mum is a Cork fan and my dad is a Cork fan, so I'm a Cork fan too!"

"Well," said the teacher, in a obviously annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you to be a Cork fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict and car thief, what would you be then?" "Then," Mary smiled, "I'd be a Galway fan."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: Auxiris
Date: 05 Mar 04 - 03:41 AM

This is a little test that only has one question, but will say a lot about you.   






It is important to answer only after long reflection and after having been careful to read everything.






An honest answer will make it possible to evaluate your sense of morals.






This has to do with an imaginary situation, in which you must make an important decision.








Be honest!








Scroll down slowly and read the text as it appears.








It is important for the test not to go too fast in order to not answer too quickly or without having understood exactly what is at stake.






















You are in Florida. . .






















. . . more precisely, in Miami.






















You find yourself in a situation of complete chaos after a horrendous








flood. . .






















. . . incredible quatities of water are everywhere.






















You are a photographer for CNN. . .






















. . . and you are in the midst of this disaster.






















You are attempting to take the photo that will make you famous. . .






















. . . and houses are being washed away by the raging water around you and






people are drowning.






















Nature's destructive forces are destroying. . .






















. . . and sweeping away everything in their path.






















Suddenly, you see a man in a jeep. . .






















. . . he is trapped in his vehicle and fighting against the waves.






















You move closer. . .






















. . . and are astounded to notice. . .






















. . . that you recognise him: it's G. W. Bush!






















You notice that he only has a few second before




he is carried away by the current. . .






















. . . but you can save him! However, it's also the occasion to




take the photo that will make you famous. . .


























. . . the photo that will win you the Pulitzer Prize and that will
make you




fabulously rich!


























the photo of the death of the world's most powerful man, in


a position even more pathetic than Saddam when he was



arrested.


























Now answer the question and be totally honest:




















































Matt or glossy?

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: Pseudolus
Date: 05 Mar 04 - 02:15 PM

Rather than rehash this one, I'll just reference the former thread: BS: A Moral Dilemma

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: Folkiedave
Date: 05 Mar 04 - 06:06 PM

Man walks into a bar dressed as Shakespeare.

"Get out," said the Barman, "you're barred".

Dave
www.collectorsfolk.co.uk

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 05 Mar 04 - 09:33 PM

There was this guy who went to the dentist to get a tooth pulled.
First off the dentist said, "I'll give you a shot to numb your jaw."
   But the guy said, "No, please don't do that, I'm afraid of needles."
   The dentist said, "OK, I'll get out the gas to put you to sleep."
   However the guy said, "Nope, I'm allergic to the gas."
   So the dentist said, "Just a minute, I'll go look for something else." After awhile he came back with a couple of pills.   
   The guy asked, "What kind of pills are those?"
   The dentist said, "Viagra."
   The guy said, "WHAT! Why these?"
   The dentist said, "They won't help the pain, but they'll give you
something to hang on to while I pull your tooth."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 05 Mar 04 - 09:57 PM

ROFL Uncle DaveO!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: Cluin
Date: 06 Mar 04 - 12:07 PM

Several cannibals were recently hired by a big corporation.
   "You are all part of our team now, said the Human Resources Rep during the orientation briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees".
   The cannibals promised to behave.
   But four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm quite satisfied with you. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"
   The cannibals all shook their heads, denying they knew anything about it.
   After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Okay, which one of you idiots ate her?"
   A hand was raised hesitantly.
   "You fool!" the leader hissed. "This was a sweet deal. For weeks we've been eating Middle Management and no one noticed anything. But you had to blow things and take a secretary..."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 22 Mar 04 - 04:01 AM

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally the doctor asked,
"Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

"We're not trying to find out anything.

She's married and we can't go to her house.
I'm married and we can't go to my house.

The Holiday Inn charges $90.
The Hilton charges $108.

We do it here for $50,
.....and I get $43 back from Medicare."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: freda underhill
Date: 22 Mar 04 - 04:10 AM

hi, if you're looking for a good laugh, I suggest you try JOhn from Hull's thread, BS: Assorted Silliness from Hull

it has a link to a website he has made, and is the funniest thing I ve read for a long time, I laughed and laughed!

best wishes

fred

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 22 Mar 04 - 06:38 AM

Dear freda - a fine advice you give here, but - when searching the Forum with Assorted Silliness from Hull I only found your message in this thread. Perhaps the cause is that you use correct orthography. Please try to give the correct thread name with all the misspellings I have learned to expect from jOhn. I'm eager for a good laugh, too.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: freda underhill
Date: 22 Mar 04 - 06:46 AM

sorry, wilfried, i still haven't worked out how to do these blue clickies, even tho the instructions are so simple (hmm)..

but there it is in the BS threads, called just that, on today's page..

BS: Assorted Silliness from Hull

hope you get there!

best wishes

fred

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 22 Mar 04 - 06:46 AM

... but I found it with exactly these words with google.
Rum, very rum, indeed.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 22 Mar 04 - 08:51 AM

... and we see here that a post is answered in the same minute (6:46), so I think Joe's record is gone.

freda - to make a blue clickie type < a href=", insert the URL, close with ">, put a link name in and put < /a > at the end. I had to put in spaces between brackets and characters to avoid a fake link. The only space must be between a and href=.

then it will look like freda's advice.
Instead of a link name you may insert the URL:
http://www.mudcat.org/thread.cfm?threadid=65778&messages=97&page=2#1142684

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 23 Mar 04 - 06:27 AM

Wilfried: as listed in the FAQs, your second link takes the long route to the thread in question. It directs the browser to Mudcat, via the WWW, and then to the thread.
To link to a thread within Mudcat you only require the section of the URL following "mudcat.org/"
i.e "thread.cfm?threadid=65778&messages=97&page=2#1142684 "
In fact, to get the whole thread you don't need the qualifiers showing the number of messages etc. so "thread.cfm?threadid=65778" is sufficient to get the thread

CHEERS Nigel

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 23 Mar 04 - 06:30 AM

We now return you to the jokes:

Two old men sitting in deckchairs. One says to the other "Nice out isn't it?"

The other replies "Yes, but put it away, here come some women!"

Nigel (stolen from Morecambe & Wise!)