BS: Great-Aunt Tillie Of All BS Threads

Subject: BS: Great-Aunt Tillie Of All BS Threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 01 Apr 04 - 10:16 AM

Some tea, dear? Those cookies are quite nice, please try one. Now you just sit there for a while while I get my knitting and we'll have a nice talk. Oh yes, how is your father -- still drinking, I hear. Your poor, poor mother! Wait, I know that it's around here someplace. Just a minute now, oh, pshaw! That cat unraveled my whole skein! Just put your hands out, that's good, and I'll wind this yarn up again, there. You're not drinking your tea, is there something wrong with it? Oh, silly me, you've got yarn around both hands, of course! Anyway, your poor, poor mother, she's a saint, an absolute SAINT, putting up with your father the way she has, and he drinking and caring on as he does, it's a scandal to the jaybirds. The whole neighborhood has been taking about it for ever so long, I'm certainly glad that his mother (that's your grandmother Agnes, dear) never lived to see what he's become. And he has had every advantage, too, a decent education even, and he still can't spell correctly. There, that's all rewound! Now drink your tea, dear and DO have more cookies, and yes, I know that they're called biscuits in England but then again, we dumped that word for cookies into the harbor with all that tea, you know.

SUPPORT MOAB! SEND DIVORCE MONEY TO MOTHER!

Subject: RE: BS: Great-Aunt Tillie Of All BS Threads
From: freda underhill
Date: 01 Apr 04 - 10:20 AM

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Great-Aunt Tillie Of All BS Threads
From: Amos
Date: 01 Apr 04 - 10:21 AM

The skein that doth thy hands encumber
Is made of hours without number--
So many, that thou canst confess
To spending them on such BS!
I must, thus, tender up this plea:
Pray, put it down, and drink thy tea!

Alergernon Whittaker Mountpiddle III
Cambridge, 1929

Subject: RE: BS: Great-Aunt Tillie Of All BS Threads
From: GUEST,Uncle Pedantic
Date: 01 Apr 04 - 10:30 AM

I believe Alegernon's original text read:


"Is made of hours without number-"

NOT

"Is made of hours without number--"

a little accuracy please!

Subject: RE: BS: Great-Aunt Tillie Of All BS Threads
From: freda underhill
Date: 01 Apr 04 - 10:35 AM

here lie the bones of great aunt tillie
the morbid remains of a fine old filly
she strode the moors with her hair blowing wild
voice like a trumpet, heart like a child
old aunt tillie knew more than she spoke
a good cup of tea beats any old bloke
take your wand! take your kilt!
but give me good times
break my heart, take your leave,
but sing me good rhymes
i'll cackle and squeak
in the indigo night
and leap out behind you to give you a





FRIGHT

watch out

great auntie Tillie has been released from her sleep!

Subject: RE: BS: Great-Aunt Tillie Of All BS Threads
From: Bill D
Date: 01 Apr 04 - 12:16 PM

BE WARNED....I have a poetry generator, and I know how to use it!

Reinvent Your Memories

During the applause
The warnings of committee members
Mingle with the sea
Reinvent your memories
As quickly as possible
Just to prove you can
We have been here too many times
Time has no more meaning

Subject: RE: BS: Great-Aunt Tillie Of All BS Threads
From: Bill D
Date: 01 Apr 04 - 12:18 PM

A Poem For Tillie

Hostages of immaturity
Are excited by
Conventional wisdom
Tillie seems to be in disguise
As if in a trance
Her representative
Is extraordinarily lucky
And goes on that way forever

see!

Subject: RE: BS: Great-Aunt Tillie Of All BS Threads
From: Amos
Date: 01 Apr 04 - 12:21 PM

"Tillie, Tillie Bo-Billie
Banana-nanna mo-millie
Silly sally slo-silly
Tiiiiilie!"

That's what the kids on the blacktop used to tell her during recess.

Not her mother, though. Her mother would tell her interesting weird stuff, like "On the night of your conception I saw the new moon in the old moon's arms, Tilly. From the painted bench out in the gazebo on an evening in Spring..." But then, her mother was weird that way.

Subject: RE: BS: Great-Aunt Tillie Of All BS Threads
From: GUEST
Date: 01 Apr 04 - 12:46 PM

Tillie din't really care that her mother wasn't like other mothers. Still, sometimes, as she cleaned the faery litterbox under the elder bush in the back garden she would pause, rake in hand, and stare off acroos the crick, wondering what it might be like to have a "normal" mother. Someone who didn't dust the dining room in an evening gown and high heeled shoes. Someone whose slightest movement wasn't accompianied by unseen musicians. Someone who might even consider going on a picnic without bringing the sterling flatware and the Baccarat crystal.

Subject: RE: BS: Great-Aunt Tillie Of All BS Threads
From: Padre
Date: 01 Apr 04 - 01:00 PM

"It was a dark and stormy Tillie..."

Subject: RE: BS: Great-Aunt Tillie Of All BS Threads
From: open mike
Date: 01 Apr 04 - 02:35 PM

Tillie is what the neighbors all called Matilda, and she sure could waltz! Sometimes on a bright breezy spring day you could see her,
clothepins clenced between her teeth twirling away form the clothes
line for a little spin, intoxicated by the scent of the lilac bush.
In her arms was the t-shirt with the bottom seam sewn shut and a
slit down the front which she kept on a hanger to hold the clothes
pegs. It was the only dancing partner she had any more, she had out lived all the others...but, oh those memories were quite alive today!

Subject: RE: BS: Great-Aunt Tillie Of All BS Threads
From: GUEST
Date: 01 Apr 04 - 03:43 PM

She remembered them all - well, maybe not their names - but she'd never bothered with names much anyway, preferring to use nicknames of her own. There was Dasher, Dancer (he was VERY good), Prancer, Sneezy, Dopey, Doc.

yes - the nicknames she had given them were trite and demeaning - but that was how she had treated her men. Agnes always claimed that was why Tillie never married.

Subject: RE: BS: Great-Aunt Tillie Of All BS Threads
From: GUEST
Date: 01 Apr 04 - 05:15 PM

Tell me, dear, dear Tillie, shall I move in with you dear? We can serve tea to all our visitors, you know, the special, special tea, the one that gives us all those LUVly stiff, MANly! bodies to put safely away down cellar?

~Millie

Subject: RE: BS: Great-Aunt Tillie Of All BS Threads
From: GUEST,WYS at church office
Date: 01 Apr 04 - 05:21 PM

Oops, sorry, that was me, Millie.

~S~

Subject: RE: BS: Great-Aunt Tillie Of All BS Threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 01 Apr 04 - 07:46 PM

My Gawd! Is this what we can expect from Penelope Rutledge when she reaches her golden years? Horrifying!!!

- LH

Subject: RE: BS: Great-Aunt Tillie Of All BS Threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 01 Apr 04 - 10:39 PM

Nope! I'm sure Penelope will be much, much worse. That is, assuming nobody murders the smug little (politically incorrect mysogynistic expletive deleted) first.

Subject: RE: BS: Great-Aunt Tillie Of All BS Threads
From: freda underhill
Date: 02 Apr 04 - 02:08 PM

great aunt tillie has insomnia.

Subject: RE: BS: Great-Aunt Tillie Of All BS Threads
From: GUEST,Captain Nigel West
Date: 02 Apr 04 - 03:41 PM

Be advised, Bee-dubya-ell, that you are treading on dangerous ground. The fact that you are a poorly-educated wretch living on the dole in some pathetic backwoods hovel south of the Mason-Dixon Line may not prove sufficient to move Penelope's friends to take pity on you and let your scurrilous remarks against her pass without further incident...

Were I you, sir, I should take a breather and reconsider. An apology is in order.

Captain Nigel West

Subject: RE: BS: Great-Aunt Tillie Of All BS Threads
From: GUEST,Shlio
Date: 02 Apr 04 - 04:17 PM

Good grief - the family's growing and growing

Subject: RE: BS: Great-Aunt Tillie Of All BS Threads
From: GUEST,Winston Wellington-Jones
Date: 03 Apr 04 - 10:22 AM

Bee-Dubya-Ell, there are those who feel that I am a cad, and so I might be. But I would never so insult such a woman, no, lady, as Miss Rutledge as you have done.

Captain West, would you stand as my second in this matter?

Subject: RE: BS: Great-Aunt Tillie Of All BS Threads
From: Amos
Date: 03 Apr 04 - 11:50 AM

West and Jones,

Be advised that BWL is actually a senior officer in the MOAB. As such he earns the esteem and protection of the brotherhood of officers thereunto appertaining. Be further advised that any attempt to intimidate or inflict harm or scandal upon a member of the MOAB will be treated most seriously by the members of the corps and shall be construed as an inivitation to wreak profound bodily damage upon the person of any perpetrator thereof.

Be further reminded, pray, that the last time some lobster-headed Brit tried to send bully boys south of the Mason Dixon line to push decent folks around, they were seriously embarassed at the rustic village of New Orleans; and the time before that, at the quaint colonial backwater of Yorktown, Virginia.

Take due warning and remove your sneers and periwigs from our sight!

A

Subject: RE: BS: Great-Aunt Tillie Of All BS Threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 03 Apr 04 - 01:21 PM

Oh, Christ...here we go again. Let Twillingsgate lie, I say.

Subject: RE: BS: Great-Aunt Tillie Of All BS Threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 03 Apr 04 - 04:21 PM

Damn straight, Amos. Cap'n Westy is probably one of them cherry picker boys who ride (poorly!) around in pink pants on a li'l ol' postage stamp of leather, flicking at offensive odors (sorry, odours) with a scented lace hanky.

Not like the Idaho Legion, each member of which stands at least 6'2" in their stocking feet and rides like the wind on a proper saddle, one with a horn, skirts, and all. True-blue chivalrous knights of the mountains and plains, champions of Truth, defenders of Justice, stickers-up for the downtrodden, each totin' two big ol' .44 Colt's, each capable of shootin' the down off a thistle at 600 yards while choppin' off heads with a full-sized Dragoon saber. Even the women of the Legion are Real Men, able to drink any self-confessed British cad under the table and still finish off a couple of gallons more on her own whilst choking a man to death with her left hand and kissin' a mountain lion with her right, or maybe the other way around.

And the Idaho Legion stands, sits, kneels, and lays ready to ride to Bee-Dubya-Ell's defense as soon as enough of 'em sober up.

As they shouted in that last, great, charge that captured Redoubt 10 at Yorktown:

Well, they didn't shout anything, really. The Redoubt was taken in silence. I'm putting this in MOAB Secret Code so as not to dishearten the Idaho Legion, half of whom think they shouted "Remember the Maine!" and half of whom think it was "Remember the Alamo!"

Subject: RE: BS: Great-Aunt Tillie Of All BS Threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 03 Apr 04 - 04:46 PM

Huh? They shouted, "          "?

The British must have been duly impressed, I'm sure. They may have thought the American troops were yawning with sheer boredom while mounting the charge. That could be quite disconcerting, I suppose.

Subject: RE: BS: Great-Aunt Tillie Of All BS Threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 03 Apr 04 - 07:26 PM

The Secret MOAB Decoder Ring! Use the Secret MOAB decoder ring!

Subject: RE: BS: Great-Aunt Tillie Of All BS Threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 03 Apr 04 - 07:34 PM

Oh, right! Ah...it's all becoming clear now.

Subject: RE: BS: Great-Aunt Tillie Of All BS Threads
From: Amos
Date: 03 Apr 04 - 08:35 PM

You're only supposed to encode things that are worth saying, Rapaire!!

A

Subject: RE: BS: Great-Aunt Tillie Of All BS Threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 03 Apr 04 - 10:16 PM

Redoubt 10 was taken by the American forces in a night attack. They moved silently; they weren't allowed to fix bayonets in case the bayonets might clink as the troops moved, and they weren't allowed to load their weapons in case of accidental discharge. The British at Redoubt 10 first knew of the attack when the Colonials came "over the walls."

Because Redoubt 10 could lay artillery fire (canister, etc.) into the British entrenchments, Cornwallis surrendered (good thing, too -- the French fleet had blockaded and he couldn't get any reinforcements by sea).

So -- let's raise the Redoubt 10 warcry. All together now, Colonials and Old Sods and Ozites and all together, in honor of the brave everywhere:

Subject: RE: BS: Great-Aunt Tillie Of All BS Threads
From: freda underhill
Date: 03 Apr 04 - 10:26 PM

typical. there was great aunt tillie, with her cups of tea, and suddenly a bunch of men in funny hats waving swords have come charging in.

will you wipe your shoes on the front doormat please? and leave your hats and coats on the stand in the corridor.

a hot toddy is brewing.

you can all go and wash your hands before sitting at the table.


freda

Subject: RE: BS: Great-Aunt Tillie Of All BS Threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 03 Apr 04 - 10:30 PM

Funny -- I thought Great-Aunt Tillie was really very friendly to soldiers....

Subject: RE: BS: Great-Aunt Tillie Of All BS Threads
From: freda underhill
Date: 03 Apr 04 - 10:33 PM

wash your mouth out, man.

..great auntie tillie has spoken

Subject: RE: BS: Great-Aunt Tillie Of All BS Threads
From: GUEST,Albert McSwiggins, Gardener
Date: 04 Apr 04 - 01:04 PM

Wot's this then? Do I over'ear some Idaho lowlifes slanderin' 'er Majesty's forces? We only let you buggers go on account of we 'ad a bleedin' lunatic on the frone at the time, meanin' George the bloody Third. 'E was totally daft and in 'is cups most of the time. If we 'ad 'ad proper leadership, like what we 'as now in Twillingsgate and environs you Yanks would've got a lesson wot you would've remembered, boyo! I finks you should shut yer gobs and go back to brewing moonshine and marryin' your 12 year old sisters, that's wot I finks.

Albert McSwiggins, chief gardener, Rutledge 'Ouse

Subject: RE: BS: Great-Aunt Tillie Of All BS Threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 04 Apr 04 - 04:02 PM

Mr. McSwiggins,

Were you aught but an uneducated common lout, an ordinary drunken layabout, a low-life with no greater expectations than the end of a manure fork and the next glass of the swill you call ale, I would happily discuss this matter with you. Since I see that your Anglochauvinism precludes rational discussion of history, I will simply point out, in words that even YOU can understand,

We won. You lost. Live with it.

As for the Idaho Legion, I invite you to visit with them and discuss your opinions with, perhaps, Jim Tinybird. Jim's family learnt scalping from the British and have never given it up -- they also feel a bit betrayed by their "Mother Across The Sea" and I'm certain that he'd like to discuss that with you as well. Or with Dainty (we don't know his real name, and out here you don't ask); he crimps blasting caps with his teeth. Or Spike, and why she's called that you don't want to know.   

And before you start off on your time at El Alamein, let me point out that Monty didn't attack until he had an overwhelming superiority in American-made tanks and other equipment.