BS: Tarzan talk!!!

Subject: BS: Tarzan talk!!!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 05 Dec 04 - 08:10 PM

Tarzan posted as a GUEST on another thread and said this:

"Sir joHn right! Me and Jane only good people in jungle. Others not worth bag of elephant shit. Cheetah agree too, but that not mean much. Cheetah big dumbass. Cheetah think "Chongo Chimp, Primate Eye" cool. Chongo shite.

Tarzan go now. Jane in heat."


Isn't that marvelous? I think we need to hear more incisive comments like the above from the Lord of the Jungle. I challenge all and sundrie (Guests included) to compose further Tarzan soliloquies in the Apeman's inimitable style! Kreegah!

Subject: RE: BS: Tarzan talk!!!
From: Dead Horse
Date: 05 Dec 04 - 08:42 PM

Umgowah!
Thats all Tarzan ever said in the movies I've seen.

Subject: RE: BS: Tarzan talk!!!
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 05 Dec 04 - 08:45 PM

Why should I waste my time mimicking Tarzan? There is absolutely nothing admirable about the man. He has no work ethic. All he does is loll around the treehouse all day making Jane, Boy and Cheetah do all the work. He is cruel to animals, killing at least one lion, crocodile and rhinoceros in every movie. The only non-human species with whom he has any kind of rapport are chimps and elephants, and it's well known that either of them will work for peanuts. Furthermore, Tarzan is a racist. He was a grown man when Jane just happened to come along, but had he had any meaningful relationships with any of the native women? No! He was withholding himself until such time as a white woman came along. The man is so hung up on racial purity that he would probably still be a virgin today if it hadn't been for the extremely unlikely event of Jane's arrival upon the scene. And, furthermore, remember that Boy is adopted. Jane and Tarzan have never reproduced. Are we even sure Tarzan knows what that thing his loincloth barely covers is for?

That I would voluntarily imitate a man of such low nature is inconceivable.

Subject: RE: BS: Tarzan talk!!!
From: Chief Chaos
Date: 05 Dec 04 - 09:29 PM

Tarzan say:

"What you mean, saving self?
Many many offspring in branches.
Kill animals? Me just not know own strength!
Me just try to get along on my own in uncaring world.
Orphaned by Cheeta at tender age. Teased by gorilla brothers and sisters because of skin!

Me spent 10 years in therapy just to get where am.
Me go cry now!"

Awww see what y'all have done! You've made an apeman cry!
For shame!

Subject: RE: BS: Tarzan talk!!!
From: Rustic Rebel
Date: 05 Dec 04 - 09:52 PM

He may have been a racist and a pig BWL, but he still wore that loin cloth.

Subject: RE: BS: Tarzan talk!!!
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 05 Dec 04 - 09:59 PM

Many many offspring in branches

So, we get to add bestiality to Tarzan's growing list of character defects? Bwana fuckin' juju! What sort of half-human/half-whatever-kinda-monkey-Tarzan-was-able-to-stick-it-in abominations might there be in those trees? The man seriously needs to be locked up.

Subject: RE: BS: Tarzan talk!!!
From: Seamus Kennedy
Date: 06 Dec 04 - 03:18 AM

"There is absolutely nothing admirable about the man. He has no work ethic. All he does is loll around the treehouse all day....."
Hey man, it's a fucking jungle out there!

Elmo Lincoln

Subject: RE: BS: Tarzan talk!!!
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 06 Dec 04 - 06:03 AM

Oh come on... it was so bloody obvious that the crocodile was rubber and the lion was older than God... even the Rhino looked like a cow with a rubber horn.....

If he were an Urban jungle man, he'd have a cherry red Porche, a miniscule mobile phone, an Armani suit in leopard print and wear a thong..... everything supposed to impress the ladies and doesn't do any such thing.... That loin cloth wasn't all THAT big!!


I always preferred the hairy baddie... what does that say about me!

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Tarzan talk!!!
From: Ellenpoly
Date: 06 Dec 04 - 06:11 AM

Tarzan say

"Me like George Bush. Him good Bush. Good for peeing on. Cheetah likes making poo poo on him."

(Ellenpoly channelling someone claiming to be Tarzan.)

Subject: RE: BS: Tarzan talk!!!
From: GUEST,Tarzan
Date: 06 Dec 04 - 09:58 AM

Kreegah! Tarzan not like stupid Bee-dubya-ell talk! Tarzan will find Bee-dubya-ell and twist head off!

Reason Tarzan save self for Jane was instinct. Tarzan son of noble Greystoke family, but not know at first. Noble has to marry noble to preserve line. This known among Great Apes too. Tarzan know something wrong when young because not have much hair, but not know what wrong until see Jane! Then light go on in head! Besides, not like native African Gomangani much. Gomangani hunt and kill Tarzan's family members. Would rather mate with hyena than with Gomangani woman.

Tarzan lucky that Jane also have instinct to see noble blood when see it.

Reason Bee-dubya-ell not understand is Bee-dubya-ell descended from gutter trash. Bee-dubya has insulted other noble English too, including women! Him insult Penelope Rutledge. Him jealous because she noble, him not. Tarzan would mate with Penelope Rutledge any time if not have Jane already.

Tarzan HAVE work ethic. Me work hard on killing bad, stupid people and animals. Bee-dubya-ell now at top of list!

Subject: RE: BS: Tarzan talk!!!
From: MMario
Date: 06 Dec 04 - 10:02 AM

Korak would be very upset to hear that Tarzan and Jane have not reproduced.

Subject: RE: BS: Tarzan talk!!!
From: GUEST,Chief Chaos
Date: 06 Dec 04 - 10:05 AM

Anyone out there ever wonder where the Tarzan yell came from?
Well, I'll tell ya!

Every time he leaps off the branch he grabs the vine and tucks the bottom half between his legs. Inevitably this leads to some major crotch burns and a humungous wedgie!

You'd scream too!

Subject: RE: BS: Tarzan talk!!!
From: GUEST,Tarzan
Date: 06 Dec 04 - 10:14 AM

And we NOT adopt "Boy"! That Hollywood's mistake. Hollywood shite! Our son named Korak, not Boy. Tarzan and Jane know exactly how babies are made. Tarzan not born yesterday.

Subject: RE: BS: Tarzan talk!!!
From: catspaw49
Date: 06 Dec 04 - 10:16 AM

Me Spaw.
You Hawk.
Me good guy.
You jagov.
Me got smarts.
You major dumbfuck.
Me got class.
You be broke-dick mamalucca.

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Tarzan talk!!!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 06 Dec 04 - 10:30 AM

Heh! Thanks for that, Spaw. Good Tarzan talk. A nice chuckle for this morning.

I may start another Popeye thread at any time too...

Subject: RE: BS: Tarzan talk!!!
From: GUEST
Date: 06 Dec 04 - 11:26 AM

My Dear Mr. Ell,

Has occurred to you that, in the 1980's (or was it late 70's?) remake of "Tarzan", the Lord of the Jungle received the pleasure of frolicking naked in a stream with Bo Derek. If you don't mind my asking, when was the last time you got to frolic naked with Bo Derek?

We all know that the answer is "Never" unless one takes into account all the hours you spent with one or more of the issues of "Playboy" in which "pictorial essays" of Ms Derek were so prominently featured.

Subject: RE: BS: Tarzan talk!!!
From: GUEST,Bomba, Jungle Boy
Date: 06 Dec 04 - 12:02 PM

Tarzan passe'! Time for Old Man of Jungle step down. Let Bomba, Jungle Boy, take over.

Bomba promise monkey in every pot. Equal rights for Bonobos. End jungle sprawl.

Vote "Bomba" or elephants trample village!

(Paid political advertisement: Paid for by Committee to Elect Bomba King of Jungle. Any resemblance between Bomba and "Boy" purely coincidental.)

Subject: RE: BS: Tarzan talk!!!
From: GUEST,Chief Chaos
Date: 06 Dec 04 - 02:24 PM

If I remember correctly an orangutan got to frolick with Bo Derrick as well. Doesn't sound like something Tarzan should be proud of.

Subject: RE: BS: Tarzan talk!!!
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 06 Dec 04 - 02:42 PM

Dear Mr. Zan,

Please accept my semi-sincere apologies for my ignorance regarding your purported son, "Korak". I must admit to never having read Mr. Burroughs' accounts of your adventures. During my formative years, when many of my schoolmates were immersing their brains in meaningless escapist drivel, I found myself much more inclined toward the writings of Camus, Kafka, Sartre and, lest you should get the impression I think my adolescent reading habits somehow make me superior to those with more plebian tastes, Ayn Rand (shudder!).

Perhaps if I someday find myself undergoing a lengthy period of incarceration and the last book on the trustee's library cart is a Tarzan adventure story I may read it.

Subject: RE: BS: Tarzan talk!!!
From: robomatic
Date: 06 Dec 04 - 09:18 PM

Many many years ago in the days way before VCRs, my brother and I were playing with one of those small early reel to reel tape recorders, trying to tape the sound coming from the 300 pound black and white TV which was airing some old Tarzan movie. It was an opening scene with jungle sounds and Jane teaching Boy to hang from the vines.

But when we played the tape back, no video of course, we heard "eee - eee -eee, AAA - AAA - AAA" and then the voice of Jane:

"BOY. Use BOTH HANDS!"

Young we were, innocent we were, yet we howled helplessly for five minutes.

Subject: RE: BS: Tarzan talk!!!
From: GUEST,Tarzan, Ape Man in Motion
Date: 07 Dec 04 - 01:01 AM

Tarzan having crisis.

See old friend Tantor dead in jungle drawing flies.

Where Tantor go?

Why Tarzan here?

What point all?

Then Tarzan eat fermented banana and smoke skin. Forget crisis.

Feel better.

Grab vine. Swing back treehouse.

Next time Jane open smart mouth tell Tarzan existential crap her learn Vassar, Tarzan stuff big banana Jane's mouth.

That fix. Best thing Oongawa --- ten minute silence.

Subject: RE: BS: Tarzan talk!!!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 07 Dec 04 - 01:04 AM

Excellent!!! That is classic Tarzan talk. More! More!

Subject: RE: BS: Tarzan talk!!!
From: Ellenpoly
Date: 07 Dec 04 - 02:22 AM

"George George, George of the Jungle...watch out for that TREE!"

George the Bush/George of Jungle

Coincidence?

I think not.


-Cheetah

Subject: RE: BS: Tarzan talk!!!
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 07 Dec 04 - 04:17 AM

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuoooooooooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!

Now I have a mental image of GWB's head on Brendan Frasers' body.....



*
*
*
*
*


And I'd just managed to get off one load of medication.... eeeeeeuuuuuuuuuuooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwww!


LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Tarzan talk!!!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 07 Dec 04 - 11:09 AM

I can just see Bush addressing the troops now...

We good.

Saddam bad.

You heroes.

Iraqis bums and terrorists.

You kick ass.

Iraqi terrorists die.

Me proud you kick ass. Go kick more!

Me give shiny medals to soldiers who kick most ass.

Bring 'em on! Oook! Oook! Bundolo!

Subject: RE: BS: Tarzan talk!!!
From: robomatic
Date: 07 Dec 04 - 12:15 PM

Tarzan invent rock music

Jane's old boyfriend take tusk from elephant burial ground

Use rock on Jane's boyfriend

He hear music




Ummmmmmm.... Thread now belong top of bar!

Subject: RE: BS: Tarzan talk!!!
From: Ellenpoly
Date: 07 Dec 04 - 01:49 PM

Bush talk...

Drums tell when the Bush is around. They say...

Dum de dum dum

dummmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Subject: RE: BS: Tarzan talk!!!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 07 Dec 04 - 02:46 PM

A spear in the hand is worth two in the Bush. Or is it the other way around?

Subject: RE: BS: Tarzan talk!!!
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 07 Dec 04 - 02:47 PM

So what is the difference there then? From all I've heard of his speeches, that's what Bush really sounds like!! (Even more so if you only ever watch him on 'Dead Ringers'....)

If a tree falls in a forest and no-one is around, does Tarzan walk off slowly whistling, in another direction, pretending he hadn't been there?

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Tarzan talk!!!
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 07 Dec 04 - 04:30 PM

It's not a spear, it's a staff.

A staff in the bush is worth two in the hand.

Subject: RE: BS: Tarzan talk!!!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 07 Dec 04 - 05:42 PM

No, it's a rod...

Tarzan hear on Mudcat that pigs have 20 minute, maybe 30 minute orgasm. Tarzan not believe. Go ask Horta the wild boar. Horta say true! Tarzan still not believe. Horta big liar. Anyway, how Horta know about minutes? Horta not have wristwatch!

Tarzan think this be dumbass urban legend. Tarzan not born yesterday.

Even Jane not have orgasm longer than 11 minutes, tops. Me time her with stopwatch.

Subject: RE: BS: Tarzan talk!!!
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 07 Dec 04 - 07:06 PM

Poor Jane...... get her a Rabbit.....

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Tarzan talk!!!
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 07 Dec 04 - 08:48 PM

"Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me."

Must be nice to have a rod and a staff.

Subject: RE: BS: Tarzan talk!!!
From: GUEST,Tarzan
Date: 07 Dec 04 - 08:50 PM

Tarzan object to loud, stupid American tourists wearing ugly Tommy Hilfigger stuff and tramping around jungle with ghetto blasters! Make point of trapping Hilfigger wearers with snares, stripping naked, and releasing in deep forest. Fat, pale people look very funny stumbling around helplessly and falling into mudholes and attracting black mambas and hungry lions. Tarzan make own "Survivor" show. If had camera, could make fortune.

Subject: RE: BS: Tarzan talk!!!
From: GUEST
Date: 08 Dec 04 - 01:57 AM

Subject: RE: BS: Tarzan talk!!!
From: radriano
Date: 08 Dec 04 - 04:39 PM

It's obviously that nobody posting to this thread has ever read any of the original Tarzan books written by Burroughs.

The original Tarzan created by Burroughs spoke several languages fluently. He was intelligent and educated. His son, whose name was Jack, was not found in the jungle as an orphan.

And that stupid yodel comes from Johnny Weismuller, who was, in my opinion, the worst Tarzan of the movies ever. Oh, and the chimp, Cheetah, was entirely a hollywood creation.

Subject: RE: BS: Tarzan talk!!!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 08 Dec 04 - 04:54 PM

All true, Radriano. I have read ALL the original Tarzan books, back when I was 13-16 or around about that age. I also read the John Carter of Mars series, the Venusian tales, and the other Edgar Rice Burroughs books. Pretty lively stuff! I got hold of a "Bomba the Jungle Boy" book too...EEEEEYYYAAAAUGGGHHH! Talk about BAAAAAADDDD writing! Bomba sucks like an industrial strength vacuum cleaner. Nothing could possibly rival Bomba the Jungle Boy for sheer frenetic idiocy with utterly no authenticity whatsoever. His poor native sidekick (whose name I have forgotten) went through hell so that Bomba could perform heroic rescues every 10 pages or so.

Tarzan's son was named Jack, as you say, but he later received the title Korak ("the killer") from the Great Apes, after some deed of derring-do. "Boy" and "Cheetah" were mere Hollywood inventions from that same group of highly paid professional marketing assholes who always assume that the intelligence of the average American is below that of a garden slug, and then set about making it so by marketing absolute drivel to people. Tarzan had no chimp companion in the books, as I recall. He did have a monkey companion in the Tarzan comic strip and the comic magazines, whose name was "N'kima". The aforesaid asshole professionals in Hollywood decided that the average American suburbanite turnip could not possibly master a complicated name like "N'kima" and transformed the little monkey into a young chimp named "Cheetah", which is the name of a large species of cat that hunts gazelles!

Idiots. Morons. Dolts. Buttheads. Nitwankers. They ought to all lose their jobs.

Subject: RE: BS: Tarzan talk!!!
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 08 Dec 04 - 06:30 PM

Errr... How can they lose their jobs, LH? They're probably all dead.

Of course, the definitive faux pas from the early Tarzan movies was the incessant inclusion of Asian elephants in movies that supposedly took place in Africa. I don't recall ever seeing an elephant scene that used African elephants. Of course, African elephants are supposedly much more difficult to train than their Asian relatives, so there's a logical reason for the substiturion, but they could have used ear prostheses to at least make 'em look African.

Subject: RE: BS: Tarzan talk!!!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 08 Dec 04 - 08:14 PM

I mean that the ones who are still alive and doing it now should lose their jobs. I would include among them those responsible for "Reality TV" shows.