BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: Peace
Date: 08 Jul 09 - 05:18 PM

Now THAT'S funny.

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 07 Feb 06 - 10:17 PM

First Joke thread for 2006

Subject: 2006
From: GUEST,Michael Richards
Date: 07 Feb 06 - 10:01 PM

News Release: Lexington Kentucky

Spokesman for Dick's Sporting goods has said that the new Store in Lexington Kentucky's Fayette Mall is a huge success. It was a gamble to build a two story store making it nearly twice as large as the other stores in the Dick's line but spokesmen Michael Richards said they did it to attract more women shoppers. Women like the big Dick's said Richards.

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 21 Oct 05 - 08:00 PM

The Fourth Joke Thread for 2005 is here

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: GUEST,Alan Day
Date: 21 Oct 05 - 10:33 AM

Speak Irish in one easy lesson
Repeat the words first slowly then fast

WHALE, OIL, BEEF, HOOKED,

Al

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: bobad
Date: 20 Oct 05 - 05:42 PM

OK so this guy walks into a bar, sits on a stool and the bartender says "can I get you something to drink?"
Guy replies "I'll have a scotch".
The bartender brings it to him and says that'll be five bucks.
The guy replies you offered me a drink and I accepted, you never said anything about paying for it.
A lawyer sitting nearby tells the bartender I'm afraid he's got you dead to rights, you made him an offer and he accepted and no terms were discussed.
The bartender says OK you got me that time, drink up, get out of here and don't ever come back.
Two days later the guy walks in again and sits down at the bar.
The bartender says "I thought I told you to never come back in here".
The guy replies "You must be mistaken I've never been in here before"
"Well then" replies the bartender "you must have a double".
"Fine" replies the guy "make it a scotch".

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: GUEST,sammie
Date: 20 Oct 05 - 05:14 PM

a tramp walks into a bar and asks barman for a tooth pick.
barman hands one over and the tramp leaves.
the tramps friend walks into the bar and asks for a tooth pick.
the barman looking puzzled hands one over, and the tramp leaves.
third tramp walks in and asks for a straw.
the barman looks shocked, and says ' But the other ones asked for tooth picks what do you need a straw for?'
tramp replies...
'SOMEONES BEEN SICK OUTSIDE AND ALL THE LUMPS HAVE GONE'

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 29 Sep 05 - 05:12 AM

Well I think it's time for the Fourth Joke Thread for 2005

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: Peace
Date: 26 Sep 05 - 02:07 PM

Fellow notices an ad in the paper: "Hunting dog for sale. $10,000."

He calls the vendor and asks what's so special about the dog. Guy says, "He will find ducks like there's no tomorrow. Fellow asks if he can try the dog out for a day. Guy says "Yes."

He returns to the owner after about one hour. Tells the owner that he shot the dog. Owner asks, "Why?"

Fellow says, "I sent him off with the command, 'find ducks', just as you said. The dog returned after four minutes with an erection that was showing, a long piece of wood in his teeth, a wild look in his eyes, shakin' all over, and he started to hump my leg. I figured the dog had gone crazy so I shot him."

The owner said, "You just didn't understand what he was trying to tell you!"

Guy says, "What was he tryin' to tell me?"

Owner repiled, "He was trying to tell you that he'd found more fuckin' ducks than you can shake a stick at."

(I have shortened the joke. Lengthen according to audience and degree of sobriety--both yours and the listeners.)

PS Have a nice day.

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 24 Sep 05 - 08:18 PM

In his old hereditary castle the old lord (L) is sitting in his hereditary tub and is bathed by his manservant, his former batman (B).
B: May I draw your lordship's attention to your lordship's surprising erection?
L (looking down):Indeed, an erection, that is really a surprise!
B: Does your lordship want me to inform her ladyship?
L: Heavens, no! We'll try to smuggle it into town.

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: GUEST,Paranoid Android
Date: 23 Sep 05 - 09:04 PM

A nudist colony is a place where men and women go to air their differences

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 23 Sep 05 - 07:36 AM

A fine Nelson, Giok

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 23 Sep 05 - 04:10 AM

Google has this problem, has GWB gone to work for them?
GWB G
Giok

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: The Walrus
Date: 22 Sep 05 - 02:31 PM

If Tony Blair were with him, I'd go for an anvil

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: Wesley S
Date: 22 Sep 05 - 10:57 AM

Black and white - no question about it.

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: Sttaw Legend
Date: 22 Sep 05 - 10:35 AM

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one.

By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.

No one else will know, so you won't be fooling anyone but yourself if you give anything but a truthful answer.

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous. Please read slowly and thoughtfully, giving due consideration to each line.

Here's the situation:

You are in Florida; Miami to be specific. There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding.

This is a flood of Biblical proportions.

You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you're
caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water.

Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury. Suddenly you see a man floundering in the water. He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris.

You move closer... somehow the man looks familiar.

You suddenly realize who it is....

It's George W. Bush, President of the United States!!

At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him under... forever. You have two options - you can save the life of G.W.Bush, or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the world's most powerful men.

So here's the question, and please give an honest answer:

Would you select high contrast color film, or would you go with the

classic simplicity of black and white?

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: Janie
Date: 22 Sep 05 - 09:55 AM

A woman's husband, unsettled by her moodiness, bought a mood ring for her to wear so he could monitor her moods. When asked about it, she remarked,"When I am in a good mood, the ring is green. When I am in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead."

Janie ;0)

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: Mr Happy
Date: 21 Sep 05 - 03:26 PM

An old couple were having problems remembering things, so they went to their doctor to find out what was wrong with them.

The doctor examined them and said that they were physically fine but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.

Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?" He replied, "To the kitchen". She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replied, "OK". She then asked him, "Shouldn't you write it down so you can remember it?" He said, "No, I can remember that." She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries with it. You better write that down because I know you'll forget that." He said, "No, I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She continued, "Well, I would also like whipped cream on top. I know you'll forget that so you better write it down." Irritably, he said, "I don't need to write it down I can remember that.". Then he stomped off to the kitchen. Fifteen minutes later he returned and gave her a plateful of eggs and bacon. She stared at the plate annoyed and said, "You forgot my toast."

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: Wesley S
Date: 21 Sep 05 - 12:49 PM

When asked his position on Roe v. Wade, President Bush said he didn't care how people got out of New Orleans.

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 18 Sep 05 - 02:51 AM

A nudist is someone who suffers from clothestrophobia.

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 17 Sep 05 - 05:08 PM

One day two Sperms were swimming vigorously and one Sperm asks the other: "How much further do we have until we reach the egg??"
























The other Sperm replys: "I dunno, but I think we just passed the tonsils!!

G..{No I don't understand either!}

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: wlisk
Date: 16 Sep 05 - 10:34 AM

George Bush had some free time and was sitting in a cafeteria
next to a woman who was engrossed in her newspaper.

The bold headline read "12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed."

He shook his head at the sad, sad news.

Then turning to the woman he asked, "How many is a Brazilian?"

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 15 Sep 05 - 09:38 AM

Gender Math

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATHS
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she always does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: GUEST,Chuck
Date: 09 Sep 05 - 01:13 AM

Thanks
LOL

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: GUEST
Date: 09 Sep 05 - 01:13 AM

Hehe

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: GUEST
Date: 08 Sep 05 - 05:36 PM

A four year old boy sitting in the bath was playing with his testicles.

"Mummy are these my brains?" He asked.

"They will be when you're older." She replied.

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: Folkiedave
Date: 08 Sep 05 - 05:32 PM

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted" and Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.

Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn. He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.

Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he couldn't see his old pal.

"Where's Christian?" he asked.

"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark", came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate memories came flooding back.

He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."

Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."

Justin cried back
"No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.........





........I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian"

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: wlisk
Date: 02 Sep 05 - 12:15 AM

A bachelor tried to take a vacation every summer. He was a golf nut and spent two weeks at Hilton Head. Last summer he met a woman out there and fell head over heels in love with her. On the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how they would continue the relationship. They agreed that total honesty was important so there would be "no surprises" later that would destroy their love.
"It's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut," Ed said to his lady friend. "I eat, sleep and breathe golf, so if that's a problem, you'd better say so now."
"Well, if we're being honest with each other, here goes," she replied. "I'm a hooker."
"I see," Ed replied, and was quiet for a moment. Then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off."

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: curmudgeon
Date: 01 Sep 05 - 08:41 PM

Eat right!
Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and    veggies.Take your
vitamins and    bump up your vitamin C.Get plenty    of exercise because
exercisehelps    build your immune system.
Walk for at least an hour a day, go for a swim, take the stairs instead of
the elevator, etc.Wash your hands often. If you can't wash them,keep a
bottle of antibacterial stuff around.Get lots of fresh air. Open windows
whenever possible.Get plenty of rest.Try to eliminate as much stress from
your life as you    can.
OR

Take the doctor's office approach.Think about it...When you go for a shot,
what do they do first?Clean your arm with alcohol..Why?

Because alcohol kills germs. So.......
I walk to the liquor store.. (exercise ) I put lime in my
Corona...(fruit)Celery n my Bloody Mary (veggies)Drink outdoors on the bar
patio..(fresh air)Tell jokes, laugh..(eliminate stress)Then pass out.
(rest)
The way I see it...
f you keep your alcohol levels up,flu germs can't get you!!!!
My grandmother always said,"A shot in the glass,is better than one in the ass!"

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: MudGuard
Date: 31 Aug 05 - 03:42 PM

Thanks Mrr.

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: GUEST,Mrr
Date: 31 Aug 05 - 03:16 PM

I'd already heard that one, it's a herd!

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: MudGuard
Date: 31 Aug 05 - 03:11 PM

Two bulls, a young one and an older one, are grazing on a pasture, when a small flock of cows [*] is led to the neighbouring pasture.
The young bull notices that a piece of the fence between the pastures is missing.
So he says (mows?) to the old bull:
"Let us run over there and each of us have a cow!"
Says the old, much more experienced, bull to the young bull:
"No, no, no! Let us trot slowly over there and each of us have all the cows!"






[*] or is it "herd of cows"? Or "drove", "pod", "stoves"? Please tell me, I want to improve my English.

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: GUEST,Larry K
Date: 31 Aug 05 - 10:38 AM

Keith Grimwood of Trout Fishing in America told me this joke at Summerfolk.   He said he knew he had been in Canada too long when he came to road sign that said "Population 10,000" and he tried converting that into American to see how many people that was.

He also told me a bass player joke which I improved upon.   He told me he would steal it and than proceeded to use it a Summerfolk.

Did you hear about the bass player who locked his keys in his car and it was an emergency because his tall blonde guitar player had been stuck inside the car for two hours.

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: GUEST,Larry K
Date: 31 Aug 05 - 10:33 AM

Two cows are talking to each other.   The first says "did I tell you I was artifically inseminated today" The second cow says "are you kidding me?"   The first cow says "No bull!"

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 31 Aug 05 - 09:12 AM

The telegraph message that was sent during the war to headquarters which said, "We're going to advance send reinforcements" which eventually arrived at its' destination saying, "We're going to a dance send 3/4d [3 and 4 pence]"
Giok

Hi Wilfried [Keep foaming]

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: Cluin
Date: 31 Aug 05 - 09:10 AM

Two Jewish gentlemen, Sid and Al, were sitting in a Chinese restaurant.
Sid asked Al, "Hey, are there any Jews in China?"
"I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask our waiter? "
When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Chinese Jews?"
The waiter answered "I don' know sir, remme ask," and he went into the kitchen.
He returned in a few minutes and said, "No. No Chinese Jews at all."
"Are you sure?" Al asked.
"Okay, I check again for you, sir," replied the waiter and went back to the kitchen.
While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China! Our people are scattered everywhere."
When he returned the waiter said, "No Sir, got no Chinese Jews, jus' rike I say fu'st time."
"Are you really sure ?" Al asked again. "I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews."
Exasperated, the waiter frantically said "Sir, I ask ev'yone! We got olange jews, appow jews, plune jews, tomato jews, pineapple jews, and glape jews, but no one never hear of Chinese jews. You pay bill now and go!"

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 31 Aug 05 - 08:52 AM

Giok's Asiatic joke reminds of an old one about the Indian Telegraph Service.
After sending COME PERSONALLY at the end of his message sender recieves as answer: PARSAN ALI NOT HERE STOP WILL HASAN ALI DO

Hi Giok!

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 31 Aug 05 - 07:55 AM

NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is surprise... surprise and fear... fear and surprise....

Our two weapons are fear and surprise... and ruthless efficiency....

Our *three* weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency...and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope....

Our *four*... no... *Amongst* our weapons....

Amongst our weaponry... are such elements as fear, surprise....

I'll come in again.

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 31 Aug 05 - 07:44 AM

The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and
room-service, at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the
Far East Economic Review:

Room Service (RS): "Morrin. Roon sirbees."

Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

RS: "Rye..Roon sirbees..morrin! Jewish to oddor sunteen??"

G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs."

RS: "Ow July den?"

G: "What??"

RS: "Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?"

G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them?
Sorry, scrambled please."

RS: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"

G: "Crisp will be fine."

RS : "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"

G: "What?"

RS:"An toes. July Sahn toes?"

G: "I don't think so."

RS: "No? Judo wan sahn toes??"

G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn
toes' means."

RS: "Toes! toes!...Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we
bodder?"

G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an
English muffin will be fine."

RS: "We bodder?"

G: "No...just put the bodder on the side."

RS: "Wad?"

G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."

RS: "Copy?"

G: "Excuse me?"

RS: "Copy...tea...meel?"

G: "Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all."

RS: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin we bodder on
sigh and copy....rye??"

G: "Whatever you say."

RS: "Tenjewberrymuds."

G : "You're very welcome."


Giok

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: Cluin
Date: 27 Aug 05 - 01:47 AM

A guy calls his buddy, a horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.
His buddy asks "How will I recognize him?"
"That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment."
So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.
"A female horth".
So he shows him a prized filly.
"Nith lookin' horth............can I thee her eyeth"?
So the guy picks up the midget and gives the horse's eyes the once over.....
"Nith eyeth...........can I thee her earzth"?
So he picks the little fella up again and shows him the horse's ears.
"Nith earzth.........can I thee her mouf"?
The rancher is gettin' pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.
"Nith mouf...........can I thee her twat"?
Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's private part, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.
The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. "Perhapth I should rephrathe that: Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit"?

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: leprechaun
Date: 26 Aug 05 - 07:07 PM

How many A. D. D. kids does it take to change a lightbulb?

You wanna go ride bikes?

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 26 Aug 05 - 09:43 AM

A bloke's wife went missing while holidaying on the Australian coast.
He spent a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.
Next morning there was a knock at the door and he was confronted by a couple of pretty miserable policemen, the old Sarge and a young Constable.

The Sarge said: "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news and maybe some really good news."
"Well,"    says the bloke, "You'd better let me have it both barrels, what's the bad news?"

The Sarge said, "I'm really sorry pal, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef.

He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead." The bloke was naturally pretty distressed to hear this and had a bit of a turn.
After a few minutes he pulled himself together and asked what the good news was.
The Sarge said, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized Crays and a swag of edible Crabs in and around her swimsuit, so we've brought you your share."

With that he handed the bloke a bag with a couple of nice Crays and four or five crabs in it. "Gee thanks," said the man. "They're bloody beaut...I guess it's an ill wind and all that. Now, what's the really good news?"

"Well", the Sarge said, "Me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again! You fancy comin' with us?"

RtS

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: The Walrus
Date: 24 Aug 05 - 08:10 PM

A world renowned expert in the sounds of European wasps is walking down the High Street one day when he spots an advert in his local record shop for "Wasp sounds from around the Globe".
On further enquiry he discovers that a vinyl recording of this subject has just been released and a few copies are available in store there and then.
Naturally, being a world renowned expert in the sounds of European wasps he is curious and asks the young chap behind the counter if he can have a listen to "Wasp sounds from around the Globe"
A few seconds later the world renowned expert in the sounds of European wasps is standing at one of those little sound stations with his headphones on and a puzzled expression on his face.
He removes the headphones, walks back to the counter and catches the young sales person's attention.
"Excuse me" he says, "I'm a world renowned expert in the sounds of European wasps and I've just been listening to "Wasp sounds from around the Globe", and I must say, there appears to be some mistake. Those are no wasp sounds with which I am familiar".
The young man dutifully checks the recording in question and assures the world renowned expert in the sounds of European wasps that he is indeed listening to
"Wasp sounds from around the Globe".
Puzzled, the world renowned expert in the sounds of European wasps returns to the headphones and once again begins to listen. After a few seconds he returns to the counter and accosts the young fellow there.
"Excuse me" he says, "As I mentioned before, I am a world renowned expert in the sounds of European wasps and I've just been listening to "Wasp sounds from around the Globe" and I have to say again, those are no wasp sounds with which I am familiar. Are you certain I have been listening to the correct recording?"
Slightly exasperated by now, the young man checks the disc currently playing and
with a slightly sheepish grin confesses:-









"Oops, sorry Sir, I seem to have played you the Bee side"

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: GUEST,Mickey191
Date: 24 Aug 05 - 07:46 PM

Two for the price of one!

BE VERY CAREFUL!!!!!!!!
WARNING! ANOTHER SCAM!

Please send this to all of the women you know!! WARNING!!!!!

If a man comes to your front door and says he is conducting a survey and he
asks you to show him your boobs:
DO NOT SHOW HIM YOUR BOOBS!

This is a scam, and he is only trying to SEE YOUR BOOBS.

I wish I'd heard about this before yesterday ...... I feel so stupid!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face lift.  The surgeon told her of a new procedure called "The Knob" where a small knob is  placed on the back of her head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.  Of course the woman wanted the knob.
 
Over the years the woman used the knob and the effects were wonderful.  After about fifteen years she returned to the surgeon with two problems.  She told him everything has been good over the years till now.  I've developed these terrible bags under my eyes for one and the knob won't work to get rid of them.  The doctor looked at them and said those aren't bags, those are your breasts.  

She said "Well I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee."

Cheers!

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: GUEST
Date: 24 Aug 05 - 05:19 AM

One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, don't waste your time down at the surgery," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at Asda. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and only costs five pounds...a lot quicker and better than a doctor".

So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Asda. He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks".

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurried back to Asda, eager to check what would happen. He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better...thank you for shopping at Asda".

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: Cluin
Date: 23 Aug 05 - 11:01 PM

My sister's favourite joke at the moment...


Q: How many men does it take to change a lightbulb.

A: Just one... to hold the lightbulb still and wait for the world to revolve around him.

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: GUEST,Mickey191
Date: 23 Aug 05 - 11:39 AM

There was this guy who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged six miles a day. One morning as he looked into the mirror to admire his body he noticed that he was suntanned all over, with one exception, his penis. He decided to do something about. He went to the beach, completely undressed and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out.

Two little old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, she began to move it around with her cane, remarking to the other old lady, "There really is no justice in the world!"

The other old lady said, "What do you mean by that?" The first old lady said,
"Look at that." When I was 20, I was curious about it.
When I was 30, I enjoyed it.
When I was 40, I asked for it.
When I was 50, I paid for it.
When I was 60, I prayed for it.
When I was 70, I forgot about it.
And now that I'm 80, the damn things are growing wild and I'm to old to squat.

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: Cluin
Date: 23 Aug 05 - 03:26 AM

Bob stood over his tee shot on the 450 yard 18th hole for what seemed an eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his back swing.
   Finally his exasperated partner, Jim, asked, "What the hell is taking you so long?"
   "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse balcony," Bob explained. "I want to make this a perfect shot."
   "You're nuts, Bob!" Jim exclaimed. "You haven't got a snowball's chance in Hell of hitting her from here."

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: The Walrus
Date: 19 Aug 05 - 03:38 PM

Twp psychiatrists are discussing a case,
"Ah, now this one is fascinating, he has Delusions of Grandeur AND an Inferiority Complex....He thinks he's Napoleon III."

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: Cluin
Date: 19 Aug 05 - 02:33 PM

World's Shortest Fairy Tale:

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?"
The girl answered "No."
And so the guy lived happily ever after and played golf a lot.

THE END