BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 19 Feb 08 - 10:03 AM

Another one on Political Correctness.

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America ,
Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be
referred to as "HILLBILLIES." You must now refer to them as
APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.

And furthermore

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1 She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."

2. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."

3. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE
INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."

4. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED
COMPANION."

5 She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."

6. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."


HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN
STORAGE FACILITY."

2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is " OVERLY CAUCASIAN."

3 He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He " INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE
DESTINATIONS."

4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."

5. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of
RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."

6. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - it's "REAR
CLEAVAGE."


Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 18 Feb 08 - 10:33 AM

IF MY BODY WERE A CAR...

    If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull ... But that's not the worst of it.

    My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close.

    My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

    My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.

    It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

    But here's the worst of it --


    Almost every time I sneeze, cough or laugh.....

    either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: wlisk
Date: 18 Feb 08 - 10:16 AM

A violist is sitting in the front row, crying hysterically. The conductor askes
the violist, "What's wrong?" The violist answers, "The second oboe loosened one
of my tuning pegs." The conductor replied, "I admit, that seems a little
childish, but nothing to get so upset about. Why are you crying?" To which the
violist replied, "He won't tell me which one!!"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: autolycus
Date: 17 Feb 08 - 08:53 AM

After the Six-Day War, two Arabs are gloomily discussing the poor showing of their armies.

Why do you think we did so badly? Was it the Russian weapoms?

No the weapons were excellent. No it was the Russian military textbooks that let us down.

What did they say?

Retreat, draw the enemy onto your territory. Then wait for the winter snows.............



      xx      xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


The other was a true news item from the other week on telly.

To understand it you have to know that The Bench means where magistrates sit; and in football, it's where the substitutes sit during matches.

The news said in effect, about a player who was charged with assault;- His bail has been amended, and tomorrow, he'll be on the bench.

i thought boy,I'd really like to see those bail conditions.


   Ivor


    Ivor

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: autolycus
Date: 17 Feb 08 - 04:37 AM

Two women talking.

So how many children have you got?

No children yet.

So what do you do for aggravation?




          A favourite of my Mum's.


   Ivor

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Bert
Date: 16 Feb 08 - 12:59 PM

Great one Peter.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Midchuck
Date: 16 Feb 08 - 12:14 PM

The young British mage, Harry Potter,
Though brilliant, was sort of a rotter;
And especially fond
Of using his wand
To impregnate some poor muggle's daughter.

I made that up myself! Am I to be pitied or censored?

Peter

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Newport Boy
Date: 16 Feb 08 - 11:25 AM

As the old proverb says:

It's easier for a rich man to enter a camel than pass a needle.


Or something like that.

Phil

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 16 Feb 08 - 09:19 AM

The local United Way chapter realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?"

The lawyer thought for a minute and replied, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"

Embarrassed, the United Way Rep mumbled, "Uh... no, I didn't know that."

"Secondly, said the lawyer, "my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children."

The stricken United Way Rep begins to stammer an apology.....

"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another who has learning disabilities requiring a huge array of private tutors?"

The humiliated United Way Rep, completely beaten, said, "I'm so sorry, I had no idea."

And the lawyer said, "So...if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: autolycus
Date: 16 Feb 08 - 06:32 AM

Just reminded me of a moment in a Goon Show.

Eccles: Laaaaaaaand ahoyyyyyyyy¬!! (Crashhhhhh!!) Oh. I should have said that sooner.


   Ivor

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 15 Feb 08 - 05:13 PM

Come Starboard"

A young man who wanted to see the world signed
on to a tramp steamer to be trained as a helmsman.
He mastered the classroom instruction, then started
his practical training on the wheel of the vessel.

In his first lesson, the mate gave him a heading,
and the young fellow held to it.

Then the mate ordered, "Come starboard."

Pleased at knowing immediately which way starboard
is, the young man left the helm and walked over to
his instructor.

The mate has an incredulous look on his face as
the helm swings freely. Then, rather gently
considering the circumstance, he asked politely,

"Could you bring the ship with you?"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: autolycus
Date: 12 Feb 08 - 12:12 PM

Boss to employee. Jones, you've been with us 20 years, you've never been late, done your work conscientiously, always done overtime when requested, never nicked holidays,never complained, always been polite.

Jones - what's your angle?



   Ivor


saw that once in a UK newspaper as a pocket cartoon.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Bill D
Date: 11 Feb 08 - 03:53 PM

Boss to worker.."Where were you most of the afternoon?"

Worker: "I went to get a haircut."

"On company time?"

"It grew on company time."

"It didn't all grow on company time."

"I didn't get it all cut off."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Amos
Date: 11 Feb 08 - 03:47 PM

A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get up and leave during the middle of his message. The man returned just before the conclusion of the service.

Afterward the pastor asked the man where he had gone."I went to get a haircut," was the reply.

"But," said the pastor, "why didn't you do that before the service started?"

"Because," the gentleman said, "I didn't need one then."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: GUEST,HuwG at work
Date: 11 Feb 08 - 08:29 AM

"Where are you taking the trash, Tonto ?"
"To the dump, to the dump, to the dump-dump-dump, to the dump, to the dump, to the dump-dump-dump..."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Newport Boy
Date: 11 Feb 08 - 08:16 AM

Reminded of this one by something in another thread. Sent to me when I was converting our barn and discussing types of insulation.

Kite Insulations, an off-shoot of the Eden Centre Bio-Dome project, have just launched a new insulation material which is even more eco-friendly than Warmcel or sheep's wool.

It is a naturally occurring product which is already grown and harvested around the world. Within the protected and enhanced environment of the Bio-Dome it will be possible to harvest at least 4 crops per annum.

As well as extensive use in the pharmaceutical, clothing and paper industries, Indian Hemp has now found a new use as a highly effective insulating material.

The entire plant is chopped up, dried, treated for non-combustibility like Warmcel and delivered to site in shrink wrapped, rigid brown slabs.

When packed into the walls, floors and roof of new homes the owners report:

* the comfort factor as "very high"
* a relaxed atmosphere
* less family tension
* relief from aching joints

Kite accuse their detractors of wild imaginings and fear based upon a lack of practical experience of their product.

Kite claim their product will give the highest u-values ever. It is also the only insulation with a built in eco-friendly smoke detector - when exposed to fire it smoulders without catching fire, giving off a very distinctive "sweet" odour which rapidly fills the home.

At the end of the buildings life the insulation can be fully recycled and is expected to be worth many times its original cost as a reusable product.

Warmcel have already threatened to stop buying the remaindered Jeffrey Archer novels and old Yellow Pages they recycle and sell back to us as insulation. This could have severe implications for the land fill sector which will now have to cope with so much extra rubbish.

Kite are looking for customers to enter into joint developments and having tried the product a spokesman for BRE and the Agrement Board said he was "very relaxed about the whole idea".


Phil

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Leadfingers
Date: 11 Feb 08 - 03:23 AM

100

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: autolycus
Date: 11 Feb 08 - 01:48 AM

Thanks, el Joe. The usual cheque in the post.

   Irvo

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Walrus
Date: 10 Feb 08 - 07:05 PM

My excuse for the spelling/puctuation error is simpler - I nicked the joke from eslewhere and didn't bother to proof read.

W

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: autolycus
Date: 10 Feb 08 - 03:33 PM

Q.

So thaaaaaaaaaaaaat's what it is. ck.

   It's like that law of life - If all else fails, reaf the instructions.

Ivor

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 10 Feb 08 - 12:48 PM

Before posting, I ALMOST always use the "Preview" box, and then submit. I find I can proofread my post a lot better in the clean, clear, bold presentation that results than in my original typed version. Only after it passes that test will I hit "Submit".

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: autolycus
Date: 10 Feb 08 - 11:52 AM

Corrections and Clarifications.

'quicksand' and 'confession'


Shame there's no retrieve button to redo errors before final posting. But then Mercury is still retrograde.

   Ivor

Changed them for you. I thought "quicksend" was some kind of Steven Wright thing I didn't *get*! Thanks!
el joe clone

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: autolycus
Date: 10 Feb 08 - 10:37 AM

My Lone Ranger joke.


Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding along when they see a line of Indians ahead (it's a very old joke, so bare with me - is that right, 'bare'?). So they wheel to the left. There are men on that horizon too. So they wheel to the left. Only to see more. They turn thru 45" once more - same result.

Lone Ranger says,"We're surrounded!"

"Kemi Sabi, whaddya mean 'we'?"




PS.If that is totally unacceptable,I drop it from the act forthwith.

Holding no hostages, i offer one to displ ...well, anyway.

The first travellers to what we now call the US meet their first native Americans.

After the translating gets sufficiently sorted out, the travellers ask, waving their arms in a grand sweep, "Whar do you call this place?"

One of the N.A.s says,"Well, we call it 'Ours'".

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

One day, little benny says to his Dad,"Daddy, what's the Stock Market?"

Dad says, "Benny, I'l tell you when you're old enough."

"I am old enough if you explain it simply."

"Alright. I buy three chickens, and soon they lay eggs, I sell some eggs to get my money back for the chickens. Meantime the eggs eventually turn into loads of chickens. And so on like that. See, that's the Stock market."

"Yes, I see."

"And then, one day, rains like from the Bible come along and wash away all the chickens I had. That's also the Stock market. 'Cos I realise I should have bought ducks !!!"


xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box. I was an only child. Eventually.      (Steven Wright)

I ran three miles today. In the end, I shouted,"Lady, take your purse."      (Emo Philips)

My mother is Jewish and my father is Catholic. When I went to confession, I'd pray,"Bless me Father, for I have sinned, and I think you know my lawyer, Mr.Cohen." (Bill Maher)


   Ivor

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Bill D
Date: 10 Feb 08 - 08:47 AM

"You guy's cheated" ....tsk! an apsotrophe! Seems like the blond wrote the joke.

(Is that the same blond who tried to swim the channel 2 years earlier, and after swimming 3/4 of the way across, decided she couldn't make it....so she turned around and swam back?)



--------------------------------------------------------------------
The Lone Ranger and Tonto are camping in the desert, set up their tent, and are asleep. Some hours later, The Lone Ranger wakes his faithful friend.
"Tonto, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Tonto replies, "Me see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" ask The Lone Ranger. Tonto ponders for a minute and replies.....
"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be aproximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What it tell you, Kemo Sabi?"
The Lone Ranger is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Tonto, you dumb ass, someone has stolen our tent.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Walrus
Date: 10 Feb 08 - 04:43 AM

Cross Channel Swimmers

There was a Blonde, a Brunette, and a Redhead standing on the beach. They had decided the previous evening whilst in the pub to try and swim the English channel. After some dicussion, they decided the quickest way would be to do the breast stroke, so off they set.
One day later the Redhead reached the French coast. Having lost sight of the other two swimmers just off the English coast she decided that they couldn't be far behind so sat on the beach looking out to sea waiting for the other two.
After a cold night of waiting, the Brunette finally came into sight. "What took you so long?" inquired the Redhead.
"There were some strong currents out there! But I'm here now! Am I the last?" replied the Brunette.
"No. Blondie is still out there somewhere." They decided to wait.
Day after day the two swimmers sat on the beach until on the 5th day Blondie came into view. Once on dry land the Brunette asked the blonde "What took you so long?"
"What do you expect? You guy's cheated, replied the idignant blonde, "You used your hands!"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Mrrzy
Date: 09 Feb 08 - 01:49 PM

I figure he could kill it by making its head explode!

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: katlaughing
Date: 08 Feb 08 - 11:56 PM

I found this on another music message board where they were discussing onomatopoeias. It was signed "unsigned:"

Season being Lent, as it is, young man goes to CONFESSION. Having a little bother with sins of the FLESH. Becoming enslaved to his BASER urgings. Confessor suitably shocked. Fire and brimstone. Gates of HELL are opening wide. Young man CONTRITE, REPENTANT. ...BUT, needs some practical advice on how to deal with this VICE. ADVICE forthcoming, to wit:

When you feel the bestial URGE RISING within you, advises the confessor, take hold of your member. Show him that you are in charge. Call on him to DIE so that you may LIVE in GOD'S holy GRACE. . . . 5 our fathers, five hail marys, five glory be . . .

TIME passes. URGES do arise, or attempt to arise. But, the young man is up to the challenge. Member cannot withstand the young man's WITHERING, ICY blast of DIE. Member is pathetic, pleads for a little PLEASURE ... to no avail. YM is MASTER of his DOMAIN.

Time passes. Challenges become more POTENT. The OLD MAN in him starts to gain ASCENDANCY. Our young friend is in GRAVE danger for his MORTAL SOUL, but he is DETERMINED not to submit or yield (something like SATAN in Milton's PL). He takes a firm grip of his member and calls out DIE. Far from dying, the member laughs at his MASTER (sic). YM calls out again with more intensity, DIE, DIE. The OLD MAN , far from being beaten, SWELLS with (false) PRIDE, and throws back the challenge in his face. Again, the young man calls out DIE ! DIE! DIE! (with increasing tempo) die-die-die-diddly-idle-didal-didal ... (tempo increasing to 180 . . . before dropping to Martin Hayes tempo).

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Geordie-Peorgie
Date: 08 Feb 08 - 07:18 PM

There's a doctor walking down the corridor in a hospital when he hears a scream.

Just then a door opens and a man runs out with a nurse chasing him with a steaming kettle.

The doctor stops the nurse and says,

"No, Nurse! I said for you to prick his boil!"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 08 Feb 08 - 03:37 PM

"Upset Newlywed"

Upset over a newlywed squabble with my
husband, I went to my mother to complain.
Trying to console me, my dad said that men
are not all like this all the time.

"Nonsense," I said. "Men are good for only
one thing!"

"Yes," my mother interjected, "but how often
do you have to parallel park?"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 08 Feb 08 - 12:34 PM

A young writer decided he would make better progress on the novel he was working on in a peaceful rural environment. So, he rented a cabin on several hundred acres of woodland in the hills of western Kentucky. He'd been there about a month without seeing another soul, when he heard a knock on the cabin door. He opened the door and has greated by a grizzled old man.

"Howdy," the old man said, "I'm yore neighbor from acrost th' crick. I seed th' woodsmoke frum yore chimley an' knowed they wuz somebody livin' here. I come over 'cause we'z gonna be havin' a liddle party tonight an' wuz wunderin' if'n you'd wanna drop by."

The young writer thought about it for a few seconds and replied, "Sure. I've been here alone for a month now and seeing some other people would be nice."

"Good," said the old man. "They's apt t' be some drinkin' at this party. Ya don't mind that, do ya?"

"No," replied the writer, "I don't drink much, but I don't mind a beer every now and then."

"All right," said the old man. "They might be some fightin' at this party. Izzat okay?"

"Well," replied the writer, "I'm a pretty peaceful guy myself, but I'm not going to get in the way if that's how you folks up here like to entertain yourselves."

"Good," said the old man. "They's probly gonna be some fuckin' at this party too. You don't have no problem with that, do ya?"

The writer thought for a few seconds and replied, "I'm from the big city and I've been to some pretty wild parties, some that have turned into downright orgies. I doubt there's much you folks would be doing that I haven't seen before."

"Well all right," said the old man. "Th' party's gonna start about seven. Just turn right outta yore driveway an' it's th' next mailbox, 'bout a mile down th' road." Then he turned and began to walk away.

"Wait a moment," called out the writer. "Should I bring anything to the party?"

The old man turned around and said, "You can if ya want to, but it don't really matter. They ain't gonna be nobody but you an' me."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: severed-head
Date: 08 Feb 08 - 03:20 AM

Hamish rings his friend Alex.
"Hi Alex. There's party at my place tonight. Plenty of booze. I hope you can come."
"Well Hamish, I'd love to come but we have a nasty case of laryngitis here".

"Just bring it along" Hamish replies "we'll drink anything"

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

After the birth of her first child, the young housewife became obsessed with cleanliness and hygiene, and went to great lengths to disinfect and sterilise everything with which her baby might come into contact.
One day the baby was cutting his first tooth, and she sought the advice of an old friend as to what she should do.
"Don't worry," advised her friend, "just put your finger gently into its mouth…" Then broke off, noticing the mother's horrified expression, and added hastily, "Naturally you boil the finger first."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: frogprince
Date: 07 Feb 08 - 11:15 PM

Ah..Mudguard?

Uncle Dave,s long list of short items included:
"It's too bad for the middle-income person. They
earn too little to avoid paying taxes and make
too little to afford paying them."

But Americans who make massive amounts of money can afford any number of ways to avoid paying proportionate taxes. If they aren't trying to avoid it anyhow, G.W.B. gives them massive tax breaks.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: wlisk
Date: 07 Feb 08 - 09:17 PM

A guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. He went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede (100-legged bug), which came in a little white box to use for its house. He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to a restaurant to have a meal.

"Would you like to go to Frank's with me and have a bite to eat?" he asked the centipede in the box. But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going out and having a snack with me?"

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time--this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, he said, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go get some food with me?"

A tiny little voice came squeezing out of the box in reply, "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 07 Feb 08 - 04:48 PM

"Going, going,.... gone!"

A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with
a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong
the saying, "You can't take it with you."

After much thought and consideration, the old
ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take
at least some of his money with him when he died.

He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw
enough money to fill two pillow cases. He then directed
her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave
them directly above his bed. His plan was that when
he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags
on his way to heaven.

Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife,
up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow
cases stuffed with cash.

"Oh, that darned old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he
should have had me put the money in the basement."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: MudGuard
Date: 07 Feb 08 - 12:01 PM

frogprince, that's a joke, isn't it. Think it thru again whether "little" makes sense there ...

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Mrrzy
Date: 07 Feb 08 - 10:40 AM

From another thread - if Feb 12 is Darwin Day, does that make the 11th Mitochondrial Eve?

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: frogprince
Date: 07 Feb 08 - 10:12 AM

It's too bad for the middle-income person. They
earn too little to avoid paying taxes and make
too little to afford paying them.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 06 Feb 08 - 01:23 PM

Yes, I know this isn't really a joke, but I still think it's a good place to Mudcatize this link: SQUIRREL IN CHURCH

Click and enjoy!

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Newport Boy
Date: 06 Feb 08 - 10:00 AM

Hardly a joke, but not worth starting a new thread.

The Guardian publishes a column of corrections, and today we have:

Whether the romance of the French president and Carla Bruni was very pubic only they can say. We meant to say it was very public.

Phil

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: GUEST,Roger the Skiffler sans cookie
Date: 05 Feb 08 - 12:24 PM

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went to High Wycombe and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a PCSO writing out a parking ticket.



We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'



He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.



I called him a Nazi turd.



He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.

So my wife called him a shithead.



He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.



Then he started writing a third ticket.



This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, we didn't care.



We came into town by bus.

We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.



It's important at our age.


RtS

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 05 Feb 08 - 10:20 AM

And now for some one-liners:

Sign in the window of a secondhand shop:
"For sale. Stuff with previous experience."

Golf is played by twenty million mature American
men whose wives think they are out having fun.

There's a book that tells you where you should go
on your vacation. It's called your checkbook.

Nobody ever got their money's worth out of a tube
of Super Glue.

Everyone has an opinion about everything. At
least that's what I think.

The end is near when a Happy Meal costs more
than a share of Delta stock!

I'm not too bad a cook, but my doctor told me to start
eating out.

A person reveals his character by nothing so clearly
as the joke he resents.

Both men and women are fallible. The difference is,
women know it.

I'm from Poland and I demand that the NCAA change
"pole vault" to "stick vault."

Current Republican leadership is more interested
in checks than balances.

Youth would be an ideal state if only it came a little later
in life.

Golf got its name because all of the other four letter
words were taken.

An escalator can never break, it can only become
stairs.

You wouldn't worry about what people think of you
if you knew how seldom they do.

It's too bad for the middle-income person. They
earn too much to avoid paying taxes and make
too little to afford paying them.

Optimist sees only the bagel.
Pessimist sees only the hole.
Pragmatist just eats the bagel.

Blind faith in bad leadership is not patriotism.

Don't worry about what people think, they don't do
it very often.

Nothing written in fine print is ever good news.

Silence doesn't mean your sexual performance
left her speechless.

A good listener is usually thinking about something
else.

Never take a pill that has more side effects than
you have symptoms.

Enjoy yourself NOW! These are the good old days
you're going to miss later.

The world is round; it has no point.

Everyone who hates speeding tickets, raise your
right foot.

Grow angry slowly, there's plenty of time.

My Uncle finally quit smoking. It was a beautiful
service.

When weeding, the best way to make sure you
are removing a weed and not a valuable plant,
is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily,
it is a valuable plant.

Mountain climbers always rope themselves
together, probably to prevent the sensible ones
from going home.

Handling a group of kindergartners is like
trying to keep thirty corks under water at once.

Kraft Foods laid off six thousand workers, and
profits are up. Now they have six thousand more
people living on macaroni and cheese.

Rationalization: A mental exercise that allows you
to lie without the accompanying guilt.

It's a strange world of language in which
skating on thin ice can get you into hot water.

When someone asks you a question you don't want
to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?"

A man will marry a woman because he needs
a mother he can communicate with.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Bryn Pugh
Date: 05 Feb 08 - 09:12 AM

Synchronicity, perhaps - I find I have made two references to elephants in other threads. So

An elephant escaped from the circus. Some time later the police received a phone call from a harassed lady :

'There's an animal in my front garden with a tail at each end of its body, and you would not believe what it's doing with my currant buns !'

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 05 Feb 08 - 08:19 AM

A woman with a mild hormonal imbalance was put on a course of testosterone by her doctor and told to come back in a month to see how she was getting on.

"Well, how are things?" asked the doctor.

"Oh, I feel fine," she said, "but I'm a bit worried about the extra hair growth I'm experiencing."

"Oh, don't concern yourself with that!" said the doc. "Testosterone is the male sex hormone after all, and some extra hair growth is only to be expected! Where abouts are you noticing the hair?"



"On my balls."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Bert
Date: 05 Feb 08 - 03:49 AM

LOL Mike, Reminds me of the time when I was in Alabama. I was talking to this woman and she asked where I was from. I said I was from England originally but have lived in the Middle East and Dallas and Colorado, so I guess I'm nomadic!

She said "Where's that?"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Michael
Date: 04 Feb 08 - 06:07 PM

True story: a friend was supposed to be going on a trip to Germany with his wife and her sister but he was too ill and they went without him. He was hobbling back from the newsagents when a neighbour stopped him and said;'I thought you were away this week'. He explained,she said 'I bet you're fed up then.' 'Yes' he replied, 'I'm off to the library for a book on euthanasia.'
'Oh I thought she'd gone to Gemany'.

Mike

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Schantieman
Date: 04 Feb 08 - 03:58 AM

Two gems from a dinner the othe night:

Time is what keeps everything from happenimg at once.

A southerner (like me) who's lived up north for longer than I have, back in the dim and distant was driving through Widnes looking for one of those big DIY shops.

"I say", he asked of a local, winding down the window, "Is there a B & Q in Widnes?"

The Widnesian stood for a moment contemplating the question and then repeated it: "Is ther a B & Q in Widnes?..... No, I don't believe there is; there's a B in Bolton and a Q in Queensferry but not in Widnes."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 03 Feb 08 - 03:57 PM

"Painting Pains"

I'd been hired to paint a woman's living room,
but every time I put another coat of paint on the
walls, my client changed her mind about the color.

After the third time, it still wasn't right so back
to the paint store I went.

As I painted the fourth coat on, she commented,
"It seems like you're painting faster."

I replied, "No, the room's actually gotten smaller."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 03 Feb 08 - 03:43 AM

A visiting General was due to inspect an army camp. Walls were whitewashed, windows polished and the flagpole painted. Everything was spick and span. When the General drove over the hill, he was horrified to see the camp gleaming in the sunshine. It was an easy target for the enemy. He called on the commanding officer and angrily demanded that the camp be camouflaged, saying that he would be back in six months for another inspection.

Six months later, he drives over the hill and is amazed to find no sight of the camp, just a pastoral scene with sheep on the hills, cows in the meadow and a babbling brook running through the valley bottom. He checks his GPS and map and, sure enough, he is in the right place. He makes his way down to where he knows the camp entrance ought to be when suddenly a tree runs across in front of him, forcing him to make an emergency stop.

"SOLDIER!" he screams, "Stop right there". The tree snaps to attention.
"Do you realise that you ruined a perfect camouflage. By moving, you could have given your position away to the enemy. I hope you've got a good explanation."

"Yes sir" stuttered the soldier.
"When a dog cocks its leg against me, I'll stand there for Queen and country;"
"When a bird makes a nest in my hair and lays an egg down the back of my neck, I'll stand there for Queen and country;"
"But I draw the line when a squirrel runs up the inside of my trouser leg and shouts 'Oh goody, nuts! I'll have one now and save one for winter'."


DC

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Geordie-Peorgie
Date: 02 Feb 08 - 07:33 PM

Followin' Un cle DaveO's 'Groundhog Day' dit, Aah wez readin' an Interview with Chris Rock - Very funny black American comedian - and he was asked about Obama's chances in the forthcomng presidential elections.

"Why can't we have a black president?2 He said. "We've had a reard for two terms!"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 02 Feb 08 - 05:33 PM

This year, both Groundhog Day and the State of the Union Address occur in the same week. It is an ironic juxtaposition of events-- One involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to a creature of little intelligence for prognostication, while the other involves a groundhog.