BS: My current favorite joke

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: Bill D
Date: 02 Sep 09 - 12:50 PM

Well......yes, Kendall...*wry grin*... but I am a bigger 'purist snob' about good humor than I am about 'folk. YOU do enough humor that you know the value of tweaking the exact wording & delivery so that the joke really works.

(Now the one about the old lady who has a complaint about the seat in her outhouse and wants the builder to take a look.....that one is a classic!)

I get so frustrated at jokes/stories that are half-remembered, reassembled quickly with poorly chosen language and delivered with no 'pacing'....And then they get copied & pasted endlessly on the internet/WWW until it is almost impossible to FIND the good original.

(the one Dave Hanson related above about the monastery and the 'fish friar' is in that category....it was originally about 3 times that long and set up the punch line very carefully. I call these "Readers Digest Condensed Jokes")

The story about the "staid lion" and "immortal porpoises" has been butchered so many ways since I heard it 35 years ago that I cringe.

(Also...'some' people never grow out of the 12 year old attitude of constructing a "joke" that is nothing but an excuse to toss in a couple of naughty words.)

Spaw's joke about the camel and the bricks is an unusual mixture of two other jokes I heard years ago, but...it works!....it is well-constructed and 'timed'....and Spaw 'illustrated' it, so that even just reading, it sounds like hearing it 'live'.

(The Rene Descarte story has several other lead in lines, but in this case it makes little difference what René is refusing.....but...Leadfingers..it's René Descartes...☺.)

Several of the jokes on this page are so old, they are classics, and I am amazed that they fall into "my current favorite", but I guess everyone has to hear them for the 1st time sometime)

Now, I will retire and decide what to offer as one of MY current favorites....

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: Ythanside
Date: 02 Sep 09 - 12:11 PM

It's pretty difficult to beat the late great Les Dawson's classic

one-liner,

'Behind every successful man there's an astonished mother-in-law.'

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: kendall
Date: 02 Sep 09 - 06:35 AM

Bill; analizing a joke to see why it's funny is like disecting a frog to see why it jumps. You may learn something in the process but it is very hard on the subject.

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 02 Sep 09 - 12:09 AM

In a recent conversation with friends, the question arose, what was the first off-colour joke we ever remember having been told? When I remembered the one a dear little innocent girl at my school had told me, it provoked hearty laughter; so here it is — in, as nearly as I can recall over 69 years, her very words:

"This lady goes into a pet shop and sez 'I want a parrot that talks'. The pet shop man sez 'This parrot talks, madam. Ten shillings.' So the lady gives him ten shillings and goes off. Next day she comes back and sez 'That parrot you sold me yesterday doesn't talk.' The pet shop man sez 'Go back home and stick a fork up the parrot's bum.' So the lady goes home and sticks a fork up the parrot's bum, and the parrot sez 'Who's that sticking a fork up my bum?'"

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: Peace
Date: 01 Sep 09 - 09:19 PM

Two cannibals were talking over dinner and one admitted to the other, " You know, I just don't like my mother-in-law." His friend sympathized, and told him, "So just eat your vegetables."

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: Joe_F
Date: 01 Sep 09 - 09:04 PM

A man has made an appointment with a psychiatrist. He says, "There's really nothing wrong with me, but my friends insisted that I get myself examined. They think I'm crazy because I like pancakes." "Well," says the psychiatrist, "there's certainly nothing wrong with liking pancakes. I like pancakes myself." "Do you, really? You must come up to my apartment sometime. I have a whole trunk full."

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: Leadfingers
Date: 01 Sep 09 - 08:51 PM

Choice of Two !!

My mate came into the pub looking REALLY miserable ! "Whats up Mate ?" says I !
"My girl has walked out , and taken ALL my Bob Marley collection AND the Satellite Dish!"
BAD News ! No Woman , No Sky !


Or one for the intellectuals !

Rene Descarte goes out for a meal . After the Three Course Dinner the Waiter says " M'sieu Descarte , will you take Cognac?"
Descarte ponders . and says " Cognac ? I Think not!" and vanishes .

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: frogprince
Date: 01 Sep 09 - 06:11 PM

I thought the same thing, Bill, but I didn't have the heart to go into it all.

This one will test everyone's tolerance for a pitiful joke:

Man walks into his doctor's office. He has a banana stuck in his ear and a carrot up his nose. "Doc," he says, "I haven't been feeling well". "Well, for one thing", the doctor replies...

             "You're not eating right".

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: Bill D
Date: 01 Sep 09 - 05:59 PM

" "Now where is the old lady with the bad tooth?""

It was funnier 25 years ago when it was in Alaska about a Texan and a polar bear and some non-specific YOUNG woman he was supposed to ravish....




now you see, in THIS version, the bulldog can't have unlimited number of bad teeth for guys to try to pull, nor is it likely that a 100 year old woman would be 1)available or 2)interested in having sex...

anyway, I think.....Hey! Not fair...no tomatoes...I was just trying to improve the humor and........geez......

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: Folkiedave
Date: 01 Sep 09 - 04:36 PM

During Whitby Folk Week I was approached by a Goth with a clipboard.

"Can I ask you a couple of questions?" Despite the fact I was in a hurry I agreed.

The first one was "Do you believe in re-incarnation?"

I replied "I didn't believe in re-incarnation when I was a hedgehog and I didn't believe in it now".

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: DonMeixner
Date: 01 Sep 09 - 04:16 PM

A grasshopper gets tired of the St Pat's Parade so he hops into a bar, up on a stool and orders a pint of guiness with a bump of Paddy's back. The bar tender delivers the drinks and says. "You know we have a drink here named after you?"

The grasshopper says" You have drink named Kevin?"

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: Nick
Date: 01 Sep 09 - 04:08 PM

OR....

Two builders, Fred and Bill, are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.
The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the 'suit'.

Fred: "I reckon he's an accountant."
Bill: "No way! He's a stockbroker."
Fred: "He's no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!"

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Fred and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the 'suit' is standing at a urinal.
Curiosity and several jugs get the better of the builder...

Fred: "Scuse me...no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?"

Suit: "No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession"

Fred: "Oh! What's that then?"

Suit: "I'll try to explain by example....do you have a goldfish at home?"

Fred: "Er...mmm...well yeah, I do as it happens!"

Suit: "Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?"

Fred: "It's in a pond."

Suit: "Well, then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden."

Fred: "As it happens, yes I have got a big garden."

Suit: "Well then It's logical to assume that in this town that if you have a large garden that you have a large house."

Fred: "As it happens I've got a five bedroom house...built it myself."

Suit: "Well, given that you've built a five bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married."

Fred: "Yes, I am married, I live with my wife and three children!"

Suit: "Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife."

Fred: "Yep! Four nights a week!"

Suit: "Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often."

Fred: "Me? Never!"

Suit: "Well there you are, that's logical science at work!"

Fred: "How's that then?"

Suit: "Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about the size of garden you have, the size of house, your family and about your sex life!"

Fred: "I see. That's pretty impressive...thanks mate!"

They both leave the toilet and Fred returns to his mate.

Bill: "I see the suit was in there, did you ask him what he did?

Fred: "Yep! He's a logical scientist!"
Bill: "What's that then?"

Fred: "I'll try to explain. Do you have a goldfish?"

Bill: "Nope"

Fred: "Well then, you're a Wanker........"


*****

Sometimes life is better than jokes. I told that joke some years ago in a local pub. About two minutes afterwards a guy who was pretty much universally unpopular but thought himself wonderful came in. A friend asked him casually "Have you got a goldfish, Stuart?" and when he said "No" the place fell apart and I don't think he knows why to this day.

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: Nick
Date: 01 Sep 09 - 04:04 PM

EITHER...

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question.

"What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands
it to the lawyer.

"Okay" says the lawyer, "your turn."

She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with
his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer.

Frustrated, he sends e-mail to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.

The blonde says, "Thank you", and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word the blonde shrugs, reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: GUEST,Kendall
Date: 01 Sep 09 - 02:21 PM

Thats a keeper!

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 01 Sep 09 - 11:16 AM

My favourite for many years has been: Have you heard what happened to the young couple who didn't know the difference between Vaseline and putty?   All their windows fell out.

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: Rapparee
Date: 01 Sep 09 - 09:02 AM

Picabo Street, the Olympic skier from Idaho, is now a nurse in charge of the Intensive Care Unit at a large metropolitan hospital. She is not, however, allowed to answer the telephone. There was too much trouble when she'd pick up the phone and say, "Picabo, ICU."

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: Rapparee
Date: 01 Sep 09 - 08:55 AM

Two, one of which is actually clean.

There was a toad who was bright yellow. Of course, he wanted to be green and brown like the other toads. Yellow was just too conspicuous: he was the target of everything from owls to mountain lions. But one day, hopping through the forest, he met a Fairy Godmother.

"Is there anything you'd like, little yellow toad?" she asked.

"Oh yes. I'd like to be brown and green like the other toads so I wouldn't be the target of every predator in the forest!" he exclaimed.

"So it shall be: abracapukus!" she replied and touched him with her wand.

WHAM! He was brown and green except for his...male organ...which was still bright yellow.

"Ah, I don't mean to complain...." he said, pointing.

"Sorry," she said, "but I don't 'do' those. If you want it changed too you'll have to see the Wizard of Oz."

And the toad hopped off to see the Wizard.

Less than fifteen minutes later a bright purple bear stumbled over the fairy godmother.

"My," she said, "you're a bright purple bear."

"Yes," he replied, "and I hate it. I stand out in the woods and hunters shoot at me. No lady bear will come near me because of that. Could you make me brown like the other bears?"

"Oh, my, yes!" stated the FGM. "Pukusabraphrt!" and the bear turned brown.

Except, of course, for his reproductive organ. THAT was still bright purple.

"Er..." he said, hesitantly, pointing.

"Oh, that! I don't do wangs. You'll have to see the Wizard of Oz to have that changed," she said.

"But how do I find him?" asked the bear.

"Easy," said the Fairy Godmother. "Just follow the yellow dick toad."

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 01 Sep 09 - 08:35 AM

A man looking round a monastery sees a bloke in the kitchen making chips, he says to him " I'll bet you're the friar eh " bloke says " no I'm the chipmunk "

Dave H

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: Michael
Date: 01 Sep 09 - 04:40 AM

That reminds me of one of my dad's from when we were kids:
The Queen is visiting a 'mental hospital' sees this perfectly normal man working in the garden with a group of obvious patients, 'You must be the gardener' she says, 'No ma'am, there's nothing wrong with me but they won't let me out'. 'I'll have a word' she says.
Later as she is leaving, a plant pot comes flying by, just missing her and a voice shouts 'You won't forget will you?'

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: GREEN WELLIES
Date: 01 Sep 09 - 04:11 AM

A doctor at a mental hospital was explaining to a visitor how they decide who to keep in.

'we fill a bath with custard, and offer the patient a choice of a thimble, cup or bucket to empty it'

'easy' says the visitor 'a normal person would use the bucket'

'er, no' says the doctor 'a normal person would pull the plug out. Would you like the bed by the window?'

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: Seamus Kennedy
Date: 01 Sep 09 - 03:10 AM

A little kid walking past his parents' bedroom sees his parents having sex. The father yells, "Shut the door!"
The kid slams the door and runs downstairs.
Ten minutes later, when the father's finished he goes downstairs and he hears a noise in the kitchen.
He opens the door and there's the kid banging the grandmother on the kitchen table. The father yells, "What the hell's going on here?"
The looks up and says, "It's not so funny when it's your mother, is it?"

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 01 Sep 09 - 02:50 AM

Hedgehogs ? why can't they just share the hedge ?

Dave H

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: catspaw49
Date: 31 Aug 09 - 11:31 PM

I really prefer conversational humor rather than jokes and if I want a story I prefer a feghoot type of thing.....BUT.......For I suppose about 45 or more years though, this one remains my favorite joke.



So........This guy I knew was planning a trip across the desert and he goes to the Hertz Rent-A-Camel joint and tells them he wants to rent one. The Hertz guy asks if he wants a 7 day or a 14 day camel. Well, the trip is for 16 days and the fellow can't figure out a way to shorten it. After much cajoling, the Hertz guy says, "I'll see what I can do."

He walks over and selects a large 14 day camel and sticks its head in the water trough. As the camel is drinking, he goes into the Hertz Kiosk and returns with two bricks. The camel is almost full and ready to take its last slurp when the Hertz guy walks behind it. Then, with a powerful swing, he claps the 2 bricks together, smashing the camel's nuts in between. The camel goes 'SSLLLLLUUUOOOORRRRPPPSSSSHHH', and sucks up a ton more water. The Hertz guy walks around to the front and says, "There ya' go pal. That oughta' do it."

My traveller friend is appalled. "JESUS CHRIST MAN!!!!!! Doesn't that HURT???"...to which the Hertz guy replies,

"Nah........Not if you keep your thumbs out of the way."



Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: Micca
Date: 31 Aug 09 - 04:03 PM

Kendall, yours reminds me of
Johnny comes back to school after a days unauthorised absence
Teacher "you were absent yesterday Johnny, why?"
Johnny "my Granddad got burnt"
Teacher "I'm Sorry to hear that, was it badly?"
Johnny "They don't mess about at those Crematoria"

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: heric
Date: 31 Aug 09 - 01:06 PM

Kids stand up in class and talk about what their fathers do.
Jimmy: Mu Dad's a fireman blah blah blah
Sally: Mine's a doctor blah blah blah
etc.
Sam: "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."
Teacher calls the father that night to report the incident. Dad says "Yes, well what was I going to do? Tell him to say I'm a lawyer?"

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: Jamming With Ollie Beak (inactive)
Date: 31 Aug 09 - 12:30 PM

A man has invited one of his co-workers to dinner, they arrive at the man's house and he opens the front door, whereupon the man's wife grabs him and kisses him VERY passionately. The guest is taken completely by surprise and reacts with a "whoaaaaa! that's incredible, you must be REALLY in love". The man turns to the guest and says, "no, not really, she just does that to make the dog jealous.

Charlotte Olivia Robertson (Ms)

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: wysiwyg
Date: 31 Aug 09 - 12:29 PM

Oh, here's a version:

A priest hears confessions of five boys in a row who confess to throwing peanuts in the lake - the sixth admits, "I'm Peanuts."


The version I heard was at a zoo, with an upset elephant and a number of young men present, laughing.

Zookeeper: "What is YOUR name young man, and what did YOU throw at that elephant?!?!?"

Young men answer, in succession,

"I'm Bill. It was just peanuts."

"I'm Frank. It was just peanuts."

etc etc.

"I'm Peanuts, and I didn't throw nothing!"

~S~

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: wysiwyg
Date: 31 Aug 09 - 12:24 PM

"I'm Peanuts" is the punchline. I gotta get the joke to go with it for ya's, or maybe someone else knows it and can post it?

~S~

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: SINSULL
Date: 31 Aug 09 - 11:56 AM

Guy walks into a bar and sees a huge jar of ten dollar bills. He asks the bartender what's with the tip jar and is told that it is an ongoing bet. Put ten dollars in the jar, complete three tasks and walk away with all the money - which appeared to a few hundred thousand.
Of course he wants to know what the three tasks are and is told:
First you have to drink down an entire bottle of tequila worm and all without taking a breath or making a face.
Second, you have to go outside where you will find a very nasty bulldog with a bad tooth. Remove the bad tooth.
Last, there is a 100 year old woman upstairs who hasn't had sex in 40 years. Satisfy her and the money is yours.

The guy thinks it over and after a few shots of whiskey it seems doable. So he puts his $10 in the jar, grabs the tequila and downs it worm and all. Although he is ready to choke, he doesn't make a face and so completes the first task.
Then he staggers drunkenly out into the yard where he finds the bulldog. Inside the bar they can hear the growls, yelps, screams of pain until at last the guy walks in, looks around triumphantly and asks "Now where is the old lady with the bad tooth?"

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: ranger1
Date: 31 Aug 09 - 11:56 AM

I thought it was funny, Kendall.

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: gnu
Date: 31 Aug 09 - 11:12 AM

Nobody has hollered "cellar"... yet.

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: kendall
Date: 31 Aug 09 - 10:38 AM

?

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: gnu
Date: 31 Aug 09 - 08:37 AM

Not been told yet today, have you?

Subject: BS: My current favorite joke
From: kendall
Date: 31 Aug 09 - 07:15 AM

Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'

---

A 5th grade teacher wanted to get some background on her students, so she had a question for each of them: What does your Father do for work"?

"Sally, what does your Father do"?
Sally, "He's a mailman"

"Eddie, what does your Father do"?
Eddie, "He's a cop."

It goes around the room until it comes down to "Dirty" Johnnie.

Teacher, "John, what does your Father do"?
Johnnie, "My Father is dead."
Teacher, "I'm so sorry; what did he do before he died"?

Johnnie, "He turned blue and shit himself."