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Daft instructions
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Subject: RE: Daft instructions From: JohnInKansas Date: 05 Feb 12 - 08:40 PM Headline seen at MSNBC a few minutes ago: "Europe tries to shield homeless in deep freeze" At first sight, that seemed a strange place to put people to take care of them, but it has been suggested that walk-in freezers may offer pretty good protection in earthquakes, and Indiana Jones survived a nuclear test blast in one of his movies by hiding in a refrigerator ... ... (?) I'll have to think about it. John |
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Subject: RE: Daft instructions From: Bainbo Date: 02 Feb 12 - 08:48 AM Just arrived today: Hello, thanks for choosing our wireless router. So you see what kind of a router it is? It's wireless. With this guide we'll take you through setting it up. Don't let all the wires intimidate you ... Well, it made me laugh. Mind, I haven't started setting it up yet. We'll see if I'm still laughing in an hour or so. |
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Subject: RE: Daft instructions From: Black belt caterpillar wrestler Date: 02 Feb 12 - 07:59 AM We used to have fire extinguishers at school that had the instruction "Turn upside down and strike knob on floor". I ask you, expect that not to cause laughter in a school? |
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Subject: RE: Daft instructions From: GUEST,999 Date: 01 Feb 12 - 01:52 PM "Following a particularly critical inspection of the trenches by General Shute, an officer of the division, Sub-Lieutenant A. P. Herbert, later to become a famous humorous writer, legal satirist and Member of Parliament, penned a popular poem that summed up the feelings of the men of the RND[3]: The General inspecting the trenches Exclaimed with a horrified shout 'I refuse to command a division Which leaves its excreta about.' But nobody took any notice No one was prepared to refute, That the presence of shit was congenial Compared to the presence of Shute. And certain responsible critics Made haste to reply to his words Observing that his staff advisors Consisted entirely of turds. For shit may be shot at odd corners And paper supplied there to suit, But a shit would be shot without mourners If somebody shot that shit Shute." From Wikipedia |
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Subject: RE: Daft instructions From: Mr Happy Date: 01 Feb 12 - 04:15 AM Royal Artillery? Is that the famous Royal Arse Hortillery? |
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Subject: RE: Daft instructions From: GUEST,olddude Date: 31 Jan 12 - 10:26 PM Newport LOL so true ... mind is going along with other parts of me |
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Subject: RE: Daft instructions From: Don(Wyziwyg)T Date: 31 Jan 12 - 09:33 PM Extract from a wartime Royal Artillery gunnery manual. Amendments: Page 141 Para 4 sub Para b) For shit, read shot. Don T. |
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Subject: RE: Daft instructions From: Michael Date: 31 Jan 12 - 03:03 PM Well I'd serve any of 'em. Mike |
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Subject: RE: Daft instructions From: Newport Boy Date: 31 Jan 12 - 02:58 PM Oldude - your memory is failing badly. Two years ago you could remember the exact year - now you can only manage the decade! Phil |
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Subject: RE: Daft instructions From: gnu Date: 31 Jan 12 - 02:14 PM Hehehee... good one Happy! |
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Subject: RE: Daft instructions From: Mr Happy Date: 31 Jan 12 - 12:20 PM What about those ads for cars with girlys draped all over - a serving suggestion? |
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Subject: RE: Daft instructions From: GUEST,olddude Date: 31 Jan 12 - 12:19 PM In the early 80's I was installing an operating system on a big mainframe computer. Reading the instructions it said "You are now ready to key in the following command" so i did, then I turned the page of the instruction manual and it said "key in only when you see the following message or chaos will ensue" and boy it did had to do the whole thing over again , took all night long ... |
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Subject: RE: Daft instructions From: Jim Dixon Date: 31 Jan 12 - 12:11 PM Some of those warnings and disclaimers are mandated by law, and so the manufacturers dare not deviate from the prescribed wording, even if it seems silly under the circumstances. For example, the law says that if there is a picture on the package, and the picture includes some kind of food that isn't actually in the package, the picture must be labeled "SERVING SUGGESTION." For example, on a cereal box, if the picture shows cereal with milk, and there is no milk in the package. That seems silly—who would expect to find milk in a cereal box? Or who needs to be told to put milk on their cereal? But suppose the picture showed cereal with raisins, and there weren't any raisins—you'd feel cheated, wouldn't you? That's the kind of situation the law was meant for. |
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Subject: RE: Daft instructions From: MGM·Lion Date: 31 Jan 12 - 08:42 AM The 'keep away from children' instruction came early on. But I once met a woman who said she had bought a bottle saying ~ "Keep away from children. Do not drink." She considered the second injunction would be easier to obey if she could find some way of encompassing the first. ~M~ |
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Subject: RE: Daft instructions From: Mr Happy Date: 31 Jan 12 - 08:20 AM On a jar of pickled eggs, 'Allergy advice: Contains eggs' Can't be clearer than that! |
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Subject: RE: Daft instructions From: olddude Date: 27 Jan 10 - 04:53 PM In 1982 I was installing a very complex piece of software on a mainframe. Following the instructions by the letter. I got to the bottom of the page and it read, you are now ready to enter the following command. I entered the command and turned the page. It continued ... but don't enter the command until you receive the following message otherwise "chaos will ensure" and it did ... |
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Subject: RE: Daft instructions From: GUEST,999 Date: 26 Jan 10 - 05:38 PM On a bag of salted peanuts: WARNING: This product may have come in contact with peanuts. |
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Subject: RE: Daft instructions From: GUEST,coyote breathy Date: 26 Jan 10 - 02:38 PM Double negative reminds me of the following sign commonly found on Missouri's back roads: "No passing zones unmarked" In a similar vein I have yet to find a "Dead End" sign anywhere near the entrance to the road so noted, usually its about a half mile into the road. and "Road not thru" is another common Missouri sign. "Men in Trees" is an actual road sign, not just a funny sitcom. CB "Bear Left" |
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Subject: RE: Daft instructions From: GUEST,Coyote, still breathing Date: 26 Jan 10 - 02:20 PM I just received my Missouri Tax booklet for 2009. When figuring the amount of tax you are to pay you are instructed to turn to page 26 of "this booklet". But there is no page 26! The pages stop at 12 then there are forms galore, then the page numbering starts again at page 33. So I counted the actual pages, folio and verso and at 26 I found the tax rate chart! It turns out that the formula for figuring ones taxes hasn't changed since 1930! So I guess fumbling around looking for the rate chart is a small price to pay for a truly antiquated system for figuring what I owe!? The table only goes to $9,000! After that amount one then applies 6% to the remainder over $9000, adds that to the amount of tax for the first $9,000 and that is what one owes. I'm going to plead confusion. CB |
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Subject: RE: Daft instructions From: GRex Date: 26 Jan 10 - 01:18 PM Seen on a vending madhine in a pub toilet: This machine will not vend when empty GRex |
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Subject: RE: Daft instructions From: Mr Happy Date: 26 Jan 10 - 09:40 AM ......a double negative?!? |
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Subject: RE: Daft instructions From: Dave Hanson Date: 26 Jan 10 - 09:30 AM And ' NO SMOKING DOGS NOT ALLOWED.' Dave H |
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Subject: RE: Daft instructions From: Don Firth Date: 25 Jan 10 - 06:01 PM Back in the late 1950s, almost all of the classrooms in the University of Washington School of Music building had a record player in them for obvious reasons. The instructions for use were pasted under the lid. The first instruction was, "Lift lid." A photographer friend of mine liked to take photos of various odds and ends, then sequence them so they told a story of sorts. One was of a series of street signs, which he sequenced as follows: One Way No Left Turn No Right Turn No U-Turn Dead End He got another good one. Normally the sign read: DANGER ZONE IMPOUND PARKED CARS Some wiseguy had scratched out some of the letters, so it now read: ANGER ZONE I POUND PARKED CARS Don Firth |
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Subject: RE: Daft instructions From: Dave Hanson Date: 25 Jan 10 - 10:56 AM On a place I used to deliver mail a few years ago was thgat sign, ' THIS DOOR IS ALARMED ' some graffiti artist added, ' and the windows are quite nervous ' Dave H |
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Subject: RE: Daft instructions From: Mr Happy Date: 25 Jan 10 - 10:48 AM Dave, Don't go there!! |
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Subject: RE: Daft instructions From: Dave MacKenzie Date: 25 Jan 10 - 10:19 AM I've just been browsing Jones (of Flint) Holidays' brochure, and there are some amazing bargains for accommodation. For instance, at the Lion Hotel, Criccieth, "All bedrooms have full facilities, TV, tea making facilities, lift, two bars, lounge, dance floor, entertainment"! |
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Subject: RE: Daft instructions From: Mr Happy Date: 25 Jan 10 - 08:38 AM ..........seen on the entrance to electricity substation 'THIS DOOR IS ALARMED!' - all of a tremble?? |
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Subject: RE: Daft instructions From: Rasener Date: 07 Nov 09 - 04:53 PM Don't know if this one has cropped up, too many posts to go back on. I was waiting patiently at the crossroad today. Traffic lights red. The sign for the people waiting to cross said. Only CROSS with green figure (it used to be Green Man (probably a bit sexist)) So I looked for this green figure, but couldn't see it. Must have been on strike. |
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Subject: RE: Daft instructions From: Joybell Date: 07 Nov 09 - 04:30 PM In 1996 we were in a Greyhound bus heading across Texas. In the South-West the messages, given by the driver, were in Spanish as well as English -- usually. Our driver was an exception. As the sky went black and the wind sprang up he gave us this warning: "We've got a tornado warning. When I tell you -- get under the seats and stay away from the windows. If you didn't understand that -- ask another passenger to translate it for you." Que? Cheers, Joy |
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Subject: RE: Daft instructions From: SPB-Cooperator Date: 07 Nov 09 - 04:56 AM Instructions on a door at Ealing Broadway Station Push to operate Pull to operate There is/was a sign at the car park at Morrisons in Acton, referring to it as a Development. |
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Subject: RE: Daft instructions From: Tangledwood Date: 06 Nov 09 - 05:24 PM That reminded me - at Warwick folk festival a couple of years ago I noticed a wooden seat on the cricket ground with a hand written sign on the back. As I was going roughly in that direction I made the slight detour to read it - "Keep off the grass". |
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Subject: RE: Daft instructions From: Tug the Cox Date: 06 Nov 09 - 08:07 AM In ther middle of a grass area stood a signpost which bore this legend 'Don't throw stones at this sign' See http://m.clipmarks.com/clipmark/108B4338-B4CD-48A5-AAE3-A06F08B159E8/ |
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Subject: RE: Daft instructions From: Mr Happy Date: 06 Nov 09 - 07:42 AM .........hmmm, but perusing that article further reveals this: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:CinaExportLogo.png 'Some products are said to have a CE mark that stands for China Export, which is not conforming to European specifications. The two letters are close together, not spaced as in the European conformance mark. [3] However, the "China Export" mark doesn't exist. Some products may be conforming but not displaying the logotype correctly and others may illegally put the correct mark on a non-conforming item.[4]' |
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Subject: RE: Daft instructions From: Mr Happy Date: 06 Nov 09 - 07:37 AM Also, a lot've products, especially electrical items are marked with CE & for some time, I thought whimsicaly that it might refer to the place of origin, i.e. 'Chinese Empire'! However, the explanation's here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/CE_mark |
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Subject: RE: Daft instructions From: Mr Happy Date: 06 Nov 09 - 07:29 AM Slag mentioned the Chinese-English debacle. Years back, I bought a tree cutting saw. The wrapper said 'MADE IN CHIAN'!! |
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Subject: RE: Daft instructions From: GUEST Date: 06 Nov 09 - 06:33 AM gnu, sorry to contradict but:- Acts 2 "And suddenly there came a sound from heaven as of a rushing mighty wind, and it filled all the house where they were sitting." Cheers Mike |
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Subject: RE: Daft instructions From: Dave MacKenzie Date: 05 Nov 09 - 02:53 PM ICL used to issue packs of punched cards to update the George 3 Operating system. There was always a header card saying DO NOT FEED THIS CARD We didn't, though I sometimes felt guilty when the tea trolley came round! |
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Subject: RE: Daft instructions From: Slag Date: 05 Nov 09 - 02:04 PM You could bet dollars to do-nuts that lawyers and law suits are behind most of these warning lables. As for daft instructions, I've seen some real doozies which are translations from Chinese to English (undoubtedly from a Chinese prison or perhaps from a farmer promoted to the position due to the "Cultural Revolution"). Rube Goldberg lives! |
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Subject: RE: Daft instructions From: gnu Date: 04 Nov 09 - 06:23 PM Michael...nobody farts in church. Well, maybe up front. |
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Subject: RE: Daft instructions From: Bill D Date: 04 Nov 09 - 01:23 PM I can even WRITE instructions like those: "If these instructions are not in your native language, write to us and we will translate them." "Ignore all parts of these instructions which are not relevant." |
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Subject: RE: Daft instructions From: Michael Date: 04 Nov 09 - 07:40 AM What I don't understand, gnu, is why you are required to take your hat off first, do they assume you're in church? Mike |
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Subject: RE: Daft instructions From: JohnInKansas Date: 03 Nov 09 - 11:09 PM Akin to Joe F's Eastman instructions, an external IOMEGA ZIP drive came with the instruction: "Consult the Installation and Operating Manual on the ZIP disk enclosed with the drive before beginning installation." It turns out that if you connected the drive before installing the driver, the then-current Windows installed a default driver that totally f***d your new drive; but the only place to get the driver was also from the ZIP disk. (This was before most of us had an internet from which we could download helpful stuff.) - - - - - Having recently moved, I've received a few "confirmation of change of address" letters. About half of them have been sent to the NEW address, so that - quite obviously - someone who submitted a fraudulent change for me would receive the confirmation letter, and be able to "confirm" the fraud. Half of those who sent the confirmation letter to the new address informed me that "if this change is correct no action is required." I suppose it's foolish to assume that if the new address wasn't correct (in which cae I would never receive the letter) I probably would take no action(?). John |
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Subject: RE: Daft instructions From: gnu Date: 03 Nov 09 - 01:28 PM Edited....... Subject: RE: Daft instructions From: GUEST,Dave the cookieless (at the mo) Gnome - PM Date: 02 Aug 01 - 06:29 PM Best one is the old instructions on a famous deodorant (sp?) - Remove lid and push up bottom....;-) ***************************************************************** I tried a new deodorant today. The instructions said, "Remove cap and push up bottom." I can barely walk, but when I fart, it smells great. |
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Subject: RE: Daft instructions From: GUEST Date: 03 Nov 09 - 12:41 PM I like the one on various cash/card machines "Enter PIN, if correct press ENTER" as all you get is a row of asterisks it's impossible to tell if it's correct. Mike |
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Subject: RE: Daft instructions From: Anne Lister Date: 03 Nov 09 - 03:52 AM We had some excellent instructions with our wedding cake, one of which suggested we cut it with a knife. Not sure what the alternatives would have been - possibly issuing three guests with one tier each to eat like a burger? |
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Subject: RE: Daft instructions From: CarolC Date: 03 Nov 09 - 01:45 AM This thread wasn't closed because it wasn't initially designated as a BS thread, and went into the music section by default. I think it dates back to the time before there was such a thing as a BS designation. That's right. I should have thought of that. Especially considering I pointed out something similar to someone else just yesterday. Maybe I've got the mad cow disease. |
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Subject: RE: Daft instructions From: Joe_F Date: 02 Nov 09 - 06:26 PM "If salted, contains salt" * Back in the '60s, the office I worked in bought a microfilm reader. We opened the carton, gingerly hefted various parts out of it, including some massive pieces of glass, and laid them on the table. At the bottom of the box was a sheet headed "Instructions for Unpacking". The first instruction was to turn the carton upside down and open the bottom. That was from Eastman Kodak! |
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Subject: RE: Daft instructions From: fat B****rd Date: 02 Nov 09 - 03:14 PM I used to work for a firm whose pay packets bore the instruction 'Always check wages before opening envelope' |
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Subject: RE: Daft instructions From: Gurney Date: 02 Nov 09 - 03:01 PM We have a set of wooden kitchen chairs, made in England, bearing the fatuous label, 'Warning. Careless use of matches may set fire to this furniture.' I always wondered why they made matchsticks of that wooden stuff. The instructions with the electric kettle. 'Do not use near water. Not to be used by unqualified persons.' I phoned them, but they wouldn't come and make me a cup of tea. |
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Subject: RE: Daft instructions From: CarolC Date: 02 Nov 09 - 02:29 PM Really? One of the moderators (I seem to remember Joe Offer, but I could be wrong) said that they are, and a lot of them do seem to be. This is confusing. BS threads are automatically closed when they have been inactive for a certain length of time. Moderators can open or close threads manually, and change the designation to BS or not-BS. Changing the designation doesn't automatically change the thread title. Adding or removing the "BS:" prefix in the thread title is optional, and the moderators usually leave it alone. (Some people are offended by having their thread title changed to BS.) This thread wasn't closed because it wasn't initially designated as a BS thread, and went into the music section by default. I think it dates back to the time before there was such a thing as a BS designation. Some moderator apparently changed the designation to BS (as they should) after the thread was refreshed. |
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