BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: CapriUni
Date: 18 Oct 02 - 01:52 PM

:::Visaulizing Hes moving into a comfortable, affordable apartment in Chinatown, and settling in happily.:::

Pulling for you.

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: hesperis
Date: 18 Oct 02 - 11:29 AM

A friend is going to help me to find a room for $350 or less, hopefully in Chinatown. I really hope to find something soon.

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: hesperis
Date: 16 Oct 02 - 05:20 PM

Yeah, like where to find a cheap apartment in TO.

There's a possibility of a subsidized self-employment training program, I really, really, really hope I get into it. Applied already, need to send in a nice targeted resume, plus a letter about why I want to start a business, and two letters of recommendation.

Deadline is next week, and they'll be interviewing applicants in early November.

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: wysiwyg
Date: 13 Oct 02 - 11:58 PM

Sounds just like both of our boys in basic training. Hang in there and see how you do with this-- may learn some things in there you need to know.

~Susan

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: Willie-O
Date: 13 Oct 02 - 09:51 PM

Hang in there Hes.
Re a computer sales job: when you're ready, try CPUsed. Becca's daughter Skye works there, seems to like it.

W-O

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: hesperis
Date: 13 Oct 02 - 09:20 PM

Been living in a shelter the past few days. It's the best one in TO for women...

Not enough food, no preparation for people with allergies. (I was asked what I was allergic to when I got there, then the next day the snack was strawberry jello and nothing else. I'm allergic to strawberries. I've pretty much been eating toast and butter for 5 days, except when I go to another shelter for lunch.)

People don't do their chores so the place gets really messy. The house laundry wasn't done for several days in a row so I had to use a sheet for a towel, and I had no pillow. (Probably just as well I didn't get a pillow though, I don't want to get lice.) One woman has the radio on all the time, playing rap, she falls asleep to it. I can't sleep with music on, I'll go very, very close to actually sleeping but not actually sleep. And we had to be up by 7 and out by 9:30. I was pleased that nothing tried to eat me during the night, though.

I made a couple of friends, which is cool. Some people are really messed up, but others, like me, just don't really connect to the job thing for whatever reason.

I started my period so asked if I could stay with my friend's parents over Thanksgiving. Thank god they said yes.

I need sleep.

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: GUEST,cookieless hesperis
Date: 10 Oct 02 - 01:13 AM

I'm ok. Have a meeting tomorrow with a housing counsellor at a youth shelter, who can also advise on the best way to approach welfare, etc. Got a tip about free ID from one of the other kids.

Report more after tomorrow.

Marion, I still have your number. A smoke-free place to store some stuff would be good. I'll call.

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: Marion
Date: 09 Oct 02 - 12:39 AM

Hi Hesperis. You said something about going to a shelter and having to store stuff at your ex's. I might be able to help you out with some storage if it's more convenient or if you're less than happy about asking your ex for the favour.

Also, you said on the subject of au pairing: "I'm not very outgoing and need a lot of private time, and I'm just not awake in the morning most days. I like people fine, but... please, at a reasonable hour of the DAY."

I'd say that describes me too, and I wouldn't want to take a live-in babysitting job for that reason, but I've had a couple of good experiences as a live-in companion: once with an elderly woman, and once with a severely handicapped woman. In both cases there was little to no "work" required in exchange for free rent; my main responsibility was simply to be home at certain hours, in case of emergency and so that the person wouldn't feel alone and anxious. Lots of time to myself, no morning chores. Having a curfew did cramp my style, but it sure beat paying rent.

These specific opportunities aren't open to you (both in other cities) but the point I want to make is that these kind of arrangements are out there. From what you said, I worry that you may be ruling out a great way to live for free for a bad reason.

One other thing... you've had a bad experience housesitting - so make it a point never to sit that house again. But that's a bad reason to rule out all housesitting. There are good housesitting arrangements out there too.

Marion

PS I will PM you my phone number now in case you don't have it anymore.

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: mg
Date: 08 Oct 02 - 06:05 PM

good luck....I hope the shelter is an OK one. Do you have someplace to leave any valuables? Keep asking and asking and there are people in town who know the resources better than us far away and can put you in touch with people who can help. You have so much going for you, youth and ambition and marketable skills already...once your physical needs are better met, you will zoom toward the top of your profession. And start hanging around one of those community colleges. They can offer medical help, a dental plan, certificates in programs that will help with jobs, work study employment, housing in at least one of them, plus all sorts of counselors whose joy in life is seeing people like yourself succeed. mg

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: hesperis
Date: 08 Oct 02 - 04:12 PM

Going for the bus now. Welfare first thing, then doctor, then legal aid, especially if welfare starts being annoying.

I should have access at free internet places to keep everyone updated.

Love and hugs!
~*sirepseh*~

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: Jande
Date: 08 Oct 02 - 01:15 PM

Susan...

I guess there will always be some things that people cannot hear, no matter what. When people seem to be inconsiderate of others feelings/needs/limitations I feel the need to confront their (IN MY OPINION) insensitivity to redress the balance, especially where one of my dear friends is concerned.

Rather than continuing this "discussion" with you which could easily lead to a more painful situation between us, I will refrain from replying in the way I would prefer to if you were more open to what I have to say. You have your way and I have mine. Sadly, I gravely doubt the twain shall ever meet. Though I remain open to being proved wrong on that point.    :`)

PAX

~ Jande

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: hesperis
Date: 08 Oct 02 - 12:48 PM

Mary - yeah, I put up a "photo" with some information and said I'd prefer to live with another female. Mixed is ok.

I actually have a list of a few cool-sounding people who are also looking for shared accomodation, however I can't find an apartment cheap enough that my share would be even as low as welfare maximum.

Cat - I hope you can get that amount upped. It really is ridiculous, isn't it? How they can think that people LIKE to be in a situation where they don't earn their own living, and need to be scrimped and abused as "incentive" to get a job, rather than supported with all other needs met in order to get a job, really is beyond me. But that's what happens when you have outdated burocratic (sp?) systems that were created when we didn't understand what people are actually like.

Anyway, I'll be going to a shelter tonight, and beginning doctor search and college apartment search and computer-store-part-time-job search...

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: Catherine Jayne
Date: 08 Oct 02 - 03:45 AM

Hes..social seervices here in good olde England....don't ask. I have someone coming to see me next week to discuss my jobseekers allowence which is £84.40 every 2 weeks It is damn near impossible to live of £42.20 a week but that is what our government says we can live off. BUt I do claim it as it is better than nothing.

On the glasses front. I wear glasses as I have a double vision caused by poor muscles and on top of that I am long sighted. I find that I don't tend to wear them A) they are expensive to buy and B) they do give me headaches. I found that if I persevere with and wear them a bit each day my eyes and the tops of my ears where the arms rest get used to them and the headaches subside but it take time and it is terribley frustrating.

((((((((HUGS))))))))

Warm thoughts coming your way

Cat

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: mg
Date: 08 Oct 02 - 01:03 AM

yeah..the roommate services thing might not work out because it looks like they charge you for everything..although they say it is free. Another idea is to go to your nearest community college and they would usually have bulletin boards with rooms that students rent. Tell them you are registering for school very soon.   I very strongly suggest only living with women, unless it is some sort of mixed group. I would definitely not recommend sharing a room with a single male, even though it can work out sometimes. You are in just too vulnerable a position right now. mg

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: hesperis
Date: 07 Oct 02 - 10:56 PM

Oh, great.

Welcome to the Room-Mail messaging center! Room-Mail allows you to send and receive messages without revealing your e-mail address. You may divulge this and other personal information once you feel comfortable with your contact(s). It's completely FREE to send messages, so send a bunch! In order to read messages received from other members, you must become a Choice Member. Click the "Upgrade" tab for more information.

Have fun finding the perfect roommate!

Your friends @ RoommateService.com

So, basically, if I send a message to someone, they can't read it unless they upgrade, and I can't read their replies unless I upgrade? Don't people realize that not everyone has a credit card!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyway, I saw a listing where the guy had uploaded a "photo" that had only his email address on it. Way to hack the system, dude!

We'll see how it goes.

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: hesperis
Date: 07 Oct 02 - 10:46 PM

Guest - sometimes you need to wallow for a while before you can actually move on. As long as you do move on, it's an appropriate, healthy response to a tough situation. I think I'm about ready to move on.

Mary - I think trying to recover the $100 admission that I signed a form saying it was non-refundable for... is a lost cause.

Winter term - January, right? I think that's what I meant. *Blush*

Re: Doctor situation - The first thing I do is get myself in TO and look up my old (childhood) doctor, which I wasn't able to do before leaving. Since he has experience with my mother as well, he might have a better understanding of how to start getting the support I need to get better. Then I'll look up the Doctors you've listed. And thank you very much for that, it is definitely going to be useful.

Susan - there is no equivalent for the Disabilities Act, however the Human Rights Commission has some sections dealing with diabilities. So there should be alternatives.

Re: Tough Comments - Getting welfare last year would have not been the solution, as I wouldn't have been using it as a stepping stone, but as a giving up. Practically speaking, other people might not have had to support me as much as they had to, but... it really would have been the wrong thing in both a short-term and long-term sense. I had never been off welfare before.

I had no other understanding of the way the world was or could be, than that of being emotionally hassled as a welfare person and mentally under strain every second for lack of money and lack of support and lack of understanding. Now I've seen the way normal people with jobs live. And I can recognize that I'm not yet at that level, so I need to go on welfare in order to get there. Now I know what I'm going for.

Carol - yeah, pushing usually causes more problems than it solves, eh? Glad things are working out for you!

Concerned - Nope.

Mary - My eyes are supposed to both be -3.0 but it varies. I'm currently using pinhole glasses so that I can read street signs. Usually I can read them from about 20-30 ft away with these. The other day I missed several streetcars because my eyes were hurting and I couldn't see far enough to get to a stop by the time the streetcars came, and with the glasses I still had to be right by the sign in order to read it. So... it really does vary.

Housekeeping - Marion suggested that, too. I'm not very outgoing and need a lot of private time, and I'm just not awake in the morning most days. I like people fine, but... please, at a reasonable hour of the DAY.
\Also, I was housesitting in Burlington and I'm sure I never want to do that again. Of course, she was being somewhat difficult around the issue of my allergies, but still.

"soul of a file clerk" - LOL! I love it. I have the soul of a nun, I think.

Oh, and I finally found a colour that makes me look like a human being instead of a ghost. A GORGEOUS deep blue with turquoise leanings. I actually looked like I had COLOUR in my cheeks!

LH - I am addicted to computers. It's a good thing, particularly if I can actually get a job in that field. NICE money. Very nice money. And work I like. ;)

Mary - Thanks for the link! I'm checking it out NOW. If it's shared, might be shared phone... we'll see. Much more hopeful.

LH - yeah. There are people in lower levels of government who really do want to help people though. I think it's more a case of the right hand not knowing what the left is doing, and the brain not realizing that no matter how cool technology is, it's never as cool as the person who invented the technology. If there was some way to truly tap the power of every person, and get them really contributing... this society would be amazking. (Hmmm, think I'll leave that typo in.)

Jande - Whoa, girl. That would have been better in a PM, I think. You can't choose your feelings but you can choose your reaction. To a certain extent, and if you've trained yourself that way. It's no more an insensitivity than pushing to stay awake in order to get something done, which all of us have done at some point.

And yes, the ex-bf is an EX-bf. lol.

Cat - *Hugs to you too* So how's the social services situation in jolly ole England?

Susan - Yeah, we're all humans.

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: wysiwyg
Date: 07 Oct 02 - 02:37 PM

Jande, I had my own challenges, as we all do. We aren't goddesses for dealing with them.

No, I did not close off any feelings; I discharged them using the tools at www.rc.org, and I recommend them highly. We do have a great deal more choice than I think you expect of human beings. It's OK with me if you don't see it that way, but I don't accept your limits on how people can be, for me or for Hesperis.

I admire that you believe in Hesperis, and as her mother of course you should. I believe in her too. I believe in her ability to face how things actually are and get herself busy meeting challenges, and I believe there were some things that needed to be said.

In the Raised Poor support group I led for a time, we had a saying that often led to much healing:

"We ARE the people we have been waiting for."

And it's true.

~Susan

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: Catherine Jayne
Date: 07 Oct 02 - 01:01 PM

Hes, keep smiling you have lots of friends here and it will work out in the end. I know its hard. I cant work because I have something wrong with my hips and knees. I can walk but need to rest. I cant walk far. If I sit for long periods of time I seize up. Its painful and means that I am unable to get a job and if I get a job I am unable to hold it down because my knees become too painful and I have too much time off work. I saw my consultant today and he has refered me for yet another MRI Scan. I am only allergic to dairy products and penicillin and that makes things difficult. I held a dinner party the other day and found it difficult to put a large menu together that I could eat. I got round it by putting the things I couldn't eat on the table for other to eat and I didn't go anywhere near them! but that is beside the point.

Keep smiling and making music.

Best wishes and big hugs from here in England.

Cat

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: Jande
Date: 07 Oct 02 - 11:41 AM

Susan,

I am somewhat irritated by some of the things you say to Hes and other people, but I hesitate to say it since I expect that your response could be "Well... simply choose to feel something else.", but hell, I'll say it anyway, simply to redress the balance.

The only way a person can choose their feelings is if they make themselves insensitive/disassociative to a certain extent. This insensitivity is something I have noticed about your own behavior at times and have wondered why, since you also seem to a be very generous person.

Is it possible that, because you have "pulled yourself up by your own bootstraps", you may have shut off some parts of your sensitive and creative areas in order to survive? Personally, I suspect this is an area you are struggling with.

This is not a condemnation, Susan, simply a theory based on my reading of your posts here over the years. It seems more likely to me that you are feeling some guilt about no longer having the room available, and perhaps some anger/resentment that Hes didn't take you up on your generosity. For you to have those feelings are perfectly reasonable under the circumstances. I'd be worried if you *didn't* feel them. But then, you rarely share your feelings, though you are generous with your thoughts.

I think *some* of what you've said is true. *Some* people _won't_ wait around forever while we are floundering in the mire that we did not make for ourselves, but that we must learn to deal with. And there is no condemnation of those people, either, just sadness. Why should they wait around? All are entitled to live their own lives, even if that means they move on without us.

And no, there are no food stamps. But there are, I believe, still food banks somewhere there. But, IIRC, you need to show them you are on benefits from Social Services these days. At this point I would say they would come in pretty handy for Hes, once she gets a place --IF they have stuff she isn't allergic to.

Oh, and Susan, KUDOES to you for "working your way off"! Did you, too, have allergies, or environmental illness that made it impossible for you to leave the house in certain seasons of the year? Or was there something else debilitating happening that makes your situation resemble so closely that of Hesperis'? If so, then I think you qualify for "goddess". :`)


------
Mary,

I appreciate you letting us know that you may be unable to fully appreciate the situation that Hes is in, but that you are willing to help however you can, even if it is only with encouraging posts and helpful links (and very practical offers of clothing!). And, btw, those links have been helpful to me, also, as I have the very same problem as Hes, except that added to that was a lot of childhood abuse of *various* kinds, so that I still have problems asking for help or creating "community". Thankyou for being aware of your own limitations in this, but being willing to help anyway. Your practical advice is very good.   {{{{{hugs}}}}}

------
LH,

I would agree with your assessment of both Hesperis (and the gov't!), with the following exception:

The vision problems come about because of the allergies. The amount/distance one can see is different all the time, and can often change by the hour. This is due to internal pressure on the eyeball, changing its shape, and therefore the way we see. I tried glasses, too --the kind that Hes tried, and they made me very ill due to motion-sickness. The eye-doctor told me that it should go away in six weeks, but that some people never get over that --especially if you are suseptible to motion sickness-- so I toughed it out, but after that I had to send the glasses back as I was sick and had headaches for the whole six weeks.   

I expect it was simply a poor choice of words that made it sound as though you didn't believe her when she said getting glasses gave her headaches?

Right now, because of the ragweed, I have swollen red-rimmed itchy watering eyes with little tiny pustules on the rims, my eyes are sensitive to light, and I have a slight headache all the time, even though I live on a steady diet of pseudoephedrin. Why? Because I went outside for the first time in a week, braving the ragweed pollen, to get some exercise in the form of a brisk half-hour walk. I can take care of the itchy rims of the eyes with applications of zinc cream, which leaves my eyes a bit greasy. But because they are also swollen, so even the glasses I do have for long distances don't work very well at this time of year. And the eyesight probems are less than a tenth of what I am suffering for that walk, but I really *need* to get out and excersise.

I pray now every day for the blessing of Snow!

And I feel especially that I want to send blessings to you! But not necessarily snowy ones. :`)

Oh, yes, and... There is no such thing as being addicted to computers. It is simply a life-long obsession! You, know... like being obsessed with WWII, or with Bob Dylan, etc.


------
To all that have responded to this thread: Thankyou!

That's why I started this thread. For this kind of discussion.

To show you that though Hes is still only inching her way out of her problems, she is gaining on them -- especially with the help, practical advice and emotional support that she is getting here.

To show Hes that she hasn't been abandoned just because her progress doesn't meet our expectations. She is progressing.

And to keep discussing this as well as hold Hes accountable. It is far too easy to let things slip when you feel isolated and think no one really cares. Dragging oneself to the Doctor's Office, or to Legal Aid, or Welfare, even though you know it will make you sicker because you have to go outside suddenly seems worth it because people care and they are holding you accountable no matter what you are feeling.

My closest friends are those who stuck by me while I struggled my way out. They gave me money and helped me take care of my needs, like Hes's X(?)bf has and does. They confronted me, like Susan and Mary are confronting you, Hes. They stood up for me when I was too weak to do so for myself, and they held me accountable so that I had to take care of myself by doing what was necessary no matter how painful. They were also willing to confront their own feelings about things with me. But they never asked me to be insenstive, to go against my own moral code, or to stop being *idealistic*. They praised my sensitivity. They reminded me that it was that very sensitivity that made me a very special singer/songwriter/artist/story-writer --one who could move people.

I still have trouble with that. I don't always let people know the full extent of the physical suffering I am struggling with on a daily basis, partly because I don't think they will believe me (not having experienced it themselves), partly because it's a long litany of complaints that I simply don't want to burden my friends and loved-ones with. Ours is a society that doesn't love extremes, so being ill with something extreme, tends to bring out the "blame the victim" response... ::shrug::

Anyway, Hes, keep going. Some people don't care about you. Some do care and do their best to show it. Some people care more than they can articulate.

The man from the gospels asked us to "love our neighbour AS ourselves". Sometimes it's hard to remember that the second part of that is equal to the first part.   But never forget that love is not just a feeling, "love" is a verb.

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: wysiwyg
Date: 06 Oct 02 - 08:07 PM

LH, welfare is like that here too. I was very, very poor. You can choose to feel and be demeaned, or you can choose to feel and be empowered. I worked my way off and was shortly making $40,000 a year, on skills I acquired as a volunteer while on welfare. It's not such a big deal.

~Susan

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: Little Hawk
Date: 06 Oct 02 - 06:48 PM

I believe the situation with welfare in this country at present is this: the government has decided to make it so marginal and demeaning that no one will want to be on it, no matter what their situation is. This means that the people who are on it must cheat, lie, and scrounge around for extra cash, and not report it to the government, who would immediately cut them off for so doing, and maybe prosecute them as well.

It's the "I'm all right, Jack!" routine from the guys with limousines and big retirement funds...

As for the people at the bottom...let'em starve, go crazy, die in the streets...let'em turn to crime, prostitution, and trading drugs...treat 'em like the no-good, useless, worthless trash they really are...and in this way, reduce government spending (oh, boy!) and give another tax break to the rich (who funded your last election campaign, and hopefully your next one).

There is very little sincere intention in the halls of power to actually heal society's wounds...only to stick superficial bandaids on them, shove them under the carpet, and work toward winning the next election. It's a money game.

What I am telling you is this. The Emperor has no clothes. But when you're filthy rich, you can walk around stark naked if you want to, and who is going to stop you? Money buys protection.

Be that as it may, yes, Hesperis' best option at this moment is to get on welfare...and find ways of earning additional cash money on the side and NOT report it to the capitalist commissars who push paper in this hypocritical excuse for a democracy that we live in.

- LH

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: mg
Date: 06 Oct 02 - 06:41 PM

I signed up for roommate services.com

http://www.roommateservice.com/members/home/

and gave them my name but some information that would probably describe you..no smoking, drugs, drinking, clean, quiet. There are rooms in Toronto for $350 or under. So put that in your equation.

350 rent
26 personal
200 food
90 bus
60 allergy

726 plus $1 for soap

you'll have to use a household phone and get free internet.

mg

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: mg
Date: 06 Oct 02 - 04:58 PM

Good job breaking that down.

And let me say that I have burned myself out over the years thinking I could do this and that and got involved in rental real estate etc. Then I was in an abusive situation at the Univeristy of Washington and to make a long story short, lost everything, and I am left without really the drive and energy to fix everything. So I am plodding slowly through a horrid financial situation...and living very very simply myself. But I know you have to take your energy level into consideration when you take on these huge projects, and your body is telling you many important things right now..

Anyway, my recommendations are:

1. Take the welfare. no matter how bad it is it is a basis..it will cover your rent and phone.
2. Get the part time job..a 1/2 time receptionist in an allergy free zone hopefully.
3. That will give you say $727 per month. Remember this is only temporary..it is not a lifelong sentance to poverty.
4. Try to find a room for 400 and cut food to 200. Spend time at home doing some cooking, and invite your friends over. Get a video at thelibrary. I'd say your budget unfortunately is going to limit you to free entertainment. But that is what libraries are for.
5. Yes, you can wash clothes at home. I do. I have a sink and a clothes line and a clothes rack and it costs about $1.00 or so a month in soap. You probably have clothes that don't require dry cleaning so wear them if you can.
6. You might have to get a free internet service for now.

$500 is better than nothing. $700 is better than nothing.
Now I am going to see if you can get a reduced bus pass. If you have the bus pass, why do you worry about transportationc costs to see your friends?

Keep putting the word out that you need to rent a room in a clean house. It's out there and I bet you can get it for $350 a month, which would then leave $50 for your allergy treatment.

mg

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: wysiwyg
Date: 06 Oct 02 - 04:56 PM

You don't have food stamps?

What you do is make sure any work you do is paid in cash.

~Susan

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: hesperis
Date: 06 Oct 02 - 03:20 PM

Bus pass is actually $90/month. I must have mistyped. Clothing care - if one is working, one cannot save money by not going to the laundromat. One also cannot go on a fast to save on food (at least, I can't if I'm working) so need to provide good food for lunches at work.

Welfare - $520

Expenses
Rent - usually around $440 for a room or a cheap 1 bedroom apartment (maximum -allowed- rent is $325, which price hasn't been available for over 20 years unless you're renting a room from a friend who doesn't really need to rent out) - 80 left
Hygiene - 6 - 74 left (I have heavy flow and have to buy pads once a month.)
Medication - 20 - 54 left
Clothing care 10 - 44 left (10 if not working, though it's hard on the clothes, and don't tell me to hand-wash, it's either not clean or I just can't rinse out the soap, and it'll cost more in water.)

Work expenses
Phone - 30 - 14 left (if you want to work, you have to be able to call employers and to call in sick if necessary. Also good for internet.)
Transportation - 90 - negative 76
Clothing care - $40 if working - negative 106

Food - whatever's left. Actual food costs are about $60 per week, if I want to eat milk or beef or vegetables which I need for nutrition. If I just want to eat rice and beans... it's a lot less. But that's inviting malnutrition, particularly since I already struggle with that.

Visiting friends is difficult, because you have to get there, transportation costs money. If people buy pizza or drinks you never have any money to chip in. You never have money to go with friends to see a movie... rent a video... whatever.

You can keep $143 (plus 25% of whatever you earn over that,) of your monthly paycheque. If you earn $400 you get to keep 207 of it, the rest gets taken off the next month's welfare cheque.

If you earn $520 or more, you're off welfare, unless there are extenuating circumstances (like, if the job only lasts two months).

Actual monthly cost, working:
$950 minimum, allowing for some entertainment or emergency money.

Maximum welfare income if earning $500/month:
$752.25

Actual monthly cost, not working:
$800 minumum, allowing for some entertainment or emergency money. And I find a phone to be very necessary.

Maximum welfare income if not working:
$520

These figures don't look too good, do they?

I really pity people who have to have alcohol or cigarettes... or who have cars... or pets...

There are two things that contribute to these results. One is, the lack of affordable housing. The other is, the lack of money from welfare for the REAL cost of cheap housing: though financial counselling recommends that the housing cost be 33% of income or lower... they set it up that the maximum allowed housing cost is over 60% of income. (These rates were set many decades ago, and have only been CUT since. CUT!!!!!)

If housing was reasonable, other things could be managed. Barely, but managed.

Put people in situations where they either cannot work fulltime or are out of work for a length of time and have no savings... and I have no clue how people are supposed to survive.

The one good thing about welfare is that if you have up to $5000 savings you can still get on it, then you have some kind of cushion that can hopefully get you through while looking for work. But... if you have no savings... if you are unable to work in any way... *Shrug*

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: Little Hawk
Date: 05 Oct 02 - 02:50 PM

Mary,

Hesperis fits no preconceived or typical description that pops into people's minds that I have ever heard of...

She is unique.

No drug habits, no piercing, no dangerous looking friends (unless someone finds my Bob Dylan/like haircut frightening). Doesn't smoke. Doesn't drink. Seldom swears (unless under great duress). Dresses nicely. Speaks intelligently on a great variety of interesting subjects.

Is umbillically connected to computer hardware and software, and very good at using them. (Is also, to my way of thinking...addicted to them...but she would not agree with that, so it's just my opinion.)

Is a voracious reader of books, interested in spiritual topics, poetry, and good adult fantasy (sword & sorcery, etc).

Is very interested in dance, particularly sacred circle dancing or dancing that has a spiritual meaning and purpose.

Has very poor eyesight (nearsighted), but claims that wearing glasses causes her terrible headaches...so, if you've got a solution to that...well...I don't.

Can play a wide variety of musical instruments, sing, compose, and create lyrics and musical pieces of quite a high quality. Also creates computer graphic art of various sorts, websites, etc...

Is bloody particular and finicky about a whole lot of things (partly because of the allergies, partly because she just is that way)...and prefers the extraordinary to the ordinary, given the choice of what to focus on in life. Tends to be very idealistic about life and somewhat impractical in certain areas of basic survival.

Is not a "partier", and is generally not interested in what most girls her age are primarly interested in...(which is to say, from my observation only, the majority of them in this town smoke, party, and are fixated on dating "cute" boys...I realize that's a gross generalization, but that's what I see going on...Hesperis is simply not in sinc with those girls.)

Likes to function between about 3pm and 3am for some reason.

Is morally just about impeccable in pretty well any area of life worth mentioning.

What spiritual world she dropped in from I don't know, but she is certainly not your typical unemployed young person...if there is such a thing.

The allergy treatments she has taken do work...but it takes one individual treatment for each particular allergen (the more severe allergens must be treated later, not sooner or it doesn't work/could even be life-threatening), and it's $60/treatment, so that's a lot of money when you're looking at maybe 100 treatments all told. She's had about 20 so far. The government did not pay for any of them, because the government does not recognize this form of treatment. That it does work is clear to me, simply from observing the results, and the changes in what she could eat or be exposed to without experiencing harmful effects.

- LH

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: mg
Date: 05 Oct 02 - 01:08 PM

check this out..

http://perc.ca/PEN/2001-03/s-mills3.html

about chemical sensitivieis. It does say they are accepted as a disability now in Canada. I did a google search under toronto doctor chemical sensitivies

It also mentioned an environmental health clinic at the women's ?? hospital...well, it will say what in the article.

mg

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: CarolC
Date: 05 Oct 02 - 02:41 AM

(oops)

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: CarolC
Date: 05 Oct 02 - 02:40 AM

*BG*

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: hesperis
Date: 05 Oct 02 - 12:04 AM

Drugs - no
Alcohol - no
Temper - ummm... how violent? I'm much more placid now than in younger days.
Boyfriend - no
Gothic - can do, but makeup makes me break out even worse. ;)

I'm fine for clothing, really. And I only look tall next to Carol. *g*

I'll answer the other stuff tomorrow.

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: mg
Date: 04 Oct 02 - 11:32 PM

This is very good news. You wear turquoise blue and play the accordian. You could probably be a Lands End model. You don't look scary at all. I had sort of a gothic, white makeup with black lipstick look in mind. Which would make this whole adventure much more difficult. I do have 3 size 12 Lands End skirts that I think only one has been worn maybe once or twice. The others not at all. Size 12. Khaki, navy blue and dark green. I'm 5'5 and you look much taller but if you want them they are yours. I'll throw in a new (I think) Pendleton white blouse.   Sort of thing you could wear on a Kelly Girl job or something.   mg

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: mg
Date: 04 Oct 02 - 11:22 PM

I have reread this entire thread trying to understand things better. Some things do not make sense. Like being punished for working part time on welfare. And it costing more to get to work than they would let you keep. Didn't I see on your list that it costs $60 for a bus pass? Wouldn't they let you keep $60? If they do (take home), you are no worse off. You are better off because you have a better base. Reread what Jande said about building beauty on quicksand. I don't have the soul of an artist. I have the soul of a file clerk, so I don't understand the artistic temperament. But you are saying I can't do this, I can't do that over fairly simple things, but yet you want to take on these Oliver Stone type projects. Do you like living on the edge? The literal edge? You don't have to. You can back up a few steps and get housing and barter your cooking skills for decent food and get a little part time job...that lets you keep $60 so you don't go in the hole from working...and just build one thing, one step at a time, starting with food, shelter and medical help. And don't say nothing works because often it does. And even if you don't like going to regular doctors, you will need statements from doctors about your condition when you apply for various things, so ask around, check out the internet. There are doctors certainly in a city as big as Toronto who know something about environmental illness and who lean toward natural treatments. And didn't your treatment cost $60? That is not bad. Get the welfare, get the partime job and the bus pass and hopefully they'll let you keep $120 and there you go.

mg

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: CarolC
Date: 04 Oct 02 - 11:09 PM

Get a JC Penney catalog, or even better, Lands End, and try to look like them

*BG*

She already looks like them...

hesperis is the tall one with the hat...

and here she is again.

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: mg
Date: 04 Oct 02 - 10:47 PM

here is a lead on another doctor..

http://www.co-cure.org/CAN_ON.htm

he or she works with fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue patients and has the condition...these things are all related...

Now: some practical steps. Have you made an appointment to have your eyes checked? (Sometimes I ask the same question over and over because I forget the answer....) If not, that should be a top priority. Then start clipping coupons for glasses..two for one..usually around $99 US for two pairs and I saw that Sears let's you use two different prescriptions for two people. Maybe someone you know is in the market for glasses and you can go halvsies or barter some web construction or something.

If you have no money, you have to think of bartering.

Housing: is there a reason you can't act as a companion for a handicapped person? You say you have housekeeping skills. They would have to agree to have a chemical-free environment but there is someone somewhere, perhaps another person with this chemical sensitivity.

This is a rhetorical question, but do you have any of the following (don't answer...) a drug problem (which I would define as any illegal use whatsoever), an alcohol problem, a violent temper, scary looking friends, especially boyfriends. Lots of tattoos and any piercings? Get a JC Penney catalog, or even better, Lands End, and try to look like them (that is what I focus my aspirations on). If you and your friends are not scary, and you are responsible, etc., you should be able to get some housing in exchange for housekeeping.

Or if you get the welfare or disability (put in for disability) you can still barter your cooking for meals.

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: GUEST,concerned
Date: 04 Oct 02 - 10:20 PM

My heart goes out to you, but surely Toronto must be the most expensive city in Canada to survive in, not to mention the most industrially polluted. I can't imagine dealing with all you have to in that environment. Do you have family, Mum or Dad or siblings that could put you up until you get back on your feet?

Good luck

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: wysiwyg
Date: 04 Oct 02 - 12:43 PM

Hess,

My post wasn't about an offer being open or not, it was about looking at things from the RIGHT NOW perspective and dealing with that.

~Susan

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: hesperis
Date: 04 Oct 02 - 11:14 AM

Er... that would be "thinking in type".
Now that there's a preview, I have to remember to use it more often!

And yes, thank you all... lol.

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: hesperis
Date: 04 Oct 02 - 10:58 AM

Susan - My foreseeable future is in Toronto. I really appreciate your previous offer, and understood that it was no longer in place. Don't worry about it. I just have to be here.

Guest - To be not a lame duck, I need housing, food, and allergy treatments, and currently have no way of providing those for myself.

Welfare is a start. I haven't wanted to go back on it because I used to be on it, so I know the limitations. Basically, it covers housing, not much else, and actively prevents one from finding work. (Part-time work is financially punished, as no matter how much you work you can only keep a certain amount of your pay, meanwhile it costs more than that to get to work in the first place, and I can't do full-time work yet.) But since I haven't done too well in either finding work or in job performance when I did find SOMETHING, I'm obviously not capable in that area yet. (Still?)

Willie-O - (I like "Willie-O", there are a lot of people named "Bill" in the world, that makes you just a bit different.) I meant that studying a course where grades (and assumed competency) depend on directing, filming AND post-editing a film more than on the administrative, team, and musical details of the film, is academic suicide of a sort.

I am definitely still studying all facets of filmmaking, but with an eye towards personal understanding of the other facets, so that this movie can be made. Basically, enough to be able to hire and work with good people but not necessarily full competency in directing and camerawork, which other people can do much better than I can.

Herocia definitely needs computer animation, but the other producer/writer wants to act her own part, and I think it would be slightly better with real people acting the roles. We have cast quite a few people already, some of whom have competencies in areas we lack, such as knowledge of swordplay, etc. We'll probably have to bluescreen a lot, and a few characters are definitely digital. (Unless you know where to find a tame dragon or wolf pack within our budget. *g*) I love computer animation, however my own computer is definitely not able to run the software. I cried when I found out Maya had a personal edition for FREE... and I can't run it on this. Ah, well.

I'd also like to act my own part, and am not too sure about being in forests during spring pollen season. (We're hoping to start in April or sooner if the snows melt sooner, and pollen usually gets bad around the end of April, beginning of May. That's not much time... though I'm fine in July as well, one of the cast members has to go to England in July.) I could do it indoors in a constructed blue-screen set, but that might make it boring for everyone. And lighting would be more difficult, to match the forest scenes...

Thanking in type again, lol.

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: Willie-O
Date: 04 Oct 02 - 09:30 AM

Hesperis, I've just been catching up on your situation here. There's a close friend of mine in Toronto I would like to put you in touch with for various reasons. (both homeopathic and artistic, as it were).

Couple of things do occur to me: you were just saying: "I can't take film production anyway, I know I don't want to do camera work or directing, I just want to bring the project together. So there's not much point taking a course that depends on camera work."

If you want to produce, I'm sure it's essential to understand a lot of the functions of the various creative/technical jobs involved in film production. I worked on a house-building project once with a guy who considered himself a builder/designer, but really had no clue about, and in fact not much interest in the details of construction. It was not a well-run project!

Sounds though as if, given your environmental problems, maybe animation would be more your bag? (That's one of the things my friend does, as well as homeopathy.)

PM me if you wish and I'll tell you more.

By the way, have you looked at Ryerson?

Willie-O
but you can call me Bill

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: harpgirl
Date: 04 Oct 02 - 08:13 AM

Gee, hesperis...since you have "environmental allergies" 24/7, why not take a steady job?

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: GUEST
Date: 04 Oct 02 - 03:51 AM

Hesperis - read Susan's post very carefully. I think it might be the best piece of advice I have ever seen. This is clearly someone who absolutely has your best interests at heart and is not afraid of asking tough questions. Don't let yourself just become a permanent lame duck. Have a good hard think & swallow a bit of pride. You're very young still - there's bags of time to follow your dreams, you don't have to achieve everything right now.

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: mg
Date: 03 Oct 02 - 06:01 PM

NO ONE CAN think straight when they don't know where their next meal is coming from. $500/month is better than $0 per month. You can barter for some of the stuff you might need. Take care of your health problems now and the rest will fall in place a bit later. mg

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: hesperis
Date: 03 Oct 02 - 05:04 PM

Actually, welfare or not is about even in the amount of hassle. I'm just getting enough of moving that the welfare type of hassle is looking more attractive than the vagrant type of hassle. Especially with winter coming on.

I can't take film production anyway, I know I don't want to do camera work or directing, I just want to bring the project together. So there's not much point taking a course that depends on camera work. I was not thinking straight, obviously.

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: mg
Date: 03 Oct 02 - 04:56 PM

DO Check out this doctor...her name appears here and there so they would have a hard time saying no if she checked you out. mg

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: hesperis
Date: 03 Oct 02 - 04:46 PM

Normal welfare isn't enough for even rent and food, much less rent, food, allergy treatments, transportation, etc.

I talked to several assistance workers while I was still on welfare, they said that allergies don't count, even if your doctor testifies that it is disabling. I didn't know about environmental illness at that time. Since environmental illness is allergy, I didn't even think of it until after I was off welfare. Worth looking into, anyway.

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: CarolC
Date: 03 Oct 02 - 01:52 PM

Hi hesperis. I struggled with all of those same doubts and worries when I was in the process of getting my diagnosis for the Social Security disability pension I've been surviving on for the past ten years (it took a while and a lot of perseverence to get that, but it was well worth it).

But I know this... I'm not lazy. I was a full time single mother raising a special needs child pretty much by myself, a fulltime student, and I had a house and yard to look after by myself. I was averaging 4 to 5 hours of sleep a night, and pushing myself way beyond my limits. I'm glad I had an opportunity to find out that laziness had nothing to do with my problems. But by pushing myself so far beyond my limits, I became almost completely bedridden for years as a result. Ten years later, I'm still recovering from the problems I created by pushing myself too hard.

Good luck with all of that. I hope you are able to get whatever services you need. Then maybe the peace of mind you get from that will free up some of your energy for doing other important things.

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: wysiwyg
Date: 03 Oct 02 - 01:51 PM

A few tough comments and questions offered to one who I think knows I love her dearly....

Well, let's see, does it make more sense to use the resources your country provides, like God only knows how many other people are doing while leading wonderful lives, or does it make more sense to weave together a complicated and very incomplete, ever-shifting tapestry of lots of other people doing little things if and when they can, to help?

And in that tapestry, how do you keep it updated so it's effective? Like our housing offer way back when-- it was solid at the time it was advanced, but now that you have not been here creating a future here, and the room has gone unused, I've found other uses for the room and those uses are creating their own futures.

So I think at a certain point when you are living on the edge, you have to stop planning and considering ideas (and listening to 12 or more people), and DO something, almost ANYhting, that is a concrete step that you will stick with.

We have been going through this with our own daughter now for the last 5 years. Truth is, a time comes, sweetie-- ya gotta get shit or off the pot, because helpers' lives have moved on and those resources that were on hold while you "decided" have expired. Do you start cobbling up other resources or just DEAL with things?

Welfare, which seemed so unacceptable a year ago, is now a plan under heavy consideration (I think-- it's hard to keep up). What if you had swallowed the unwillingness a year ago and gone on welfare then? Would you be healthier now, would you be making a paycheck and looking for larger quarters?

So my question is, what unwillingnesses are you honoring now instead of making a decision and making the best of it till your capacities iomprove? Do you actually have the luxury of preferences, still? If you do-- then what exactly is the emergency we're trying to help with, now?

~Susan

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: hesperis
Date: 03 Oct 02 - 01:02 PM

Thanks guys.

Environmental illness = allergies to various environmental things, such as it interferes with having a normal life. Yep, that's me.

The difficulty is proving that you have it and that it is disabling. And social security doesn't necessarily take the doctor's word for it. It depends on the caseworker who is assigned to you, who may know nothing about disability, or who may just decide that you're not disabled *enough* to get disability.

And there's always the doubt... what if people are right? What if all I have to do is apply myself? What if I am just lazy? I think I know myself better than that, and ambition and laziness don't really mix well. But there's always the doubt, even when I've tried all the advice, and it still hasn't worked, that maybe they're right.

But... I will contact that clinic.

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: wysiwyg
Date: 03 Oct 02 - 09:45 AM

Do you have a Cdn equivalent law for our Americans with Disabilities Act? Rights for disabled people. Do a search on ours to see what it is.

Do you have a Cdn equivalent for our Social Security Diability Benefit? It isn't welfare exactly, it's for people unable to work because they have been certified as disabled.

~Susan

Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: mg
Date: 03 Oct 02 - 12:32 AM

wow...this is amazing. this doctor is a speaker at various environmental illness conventions. Do a google search under Riina Bray Toronto and you'll see several things. Here is one.

http://users.lmi.net/~wilworks/timbolen/quakrage.htm

editorial on environmental illness conference

Please give her a call. It sounds like you definitely have enviromental illness, and it is considered a disability, as it most definitely is if it keeps you from most work environments.

Please check this out and let us know if anything comes of it.

mg