Birthday Memoriam Andie-VTam's daughter

Subject: RE: BirthdayMemoriam Andie_VTam's daughter
From: wysiwyg
Date: 27 May 09 - 11:33 AM

What a great thread this has been. I'm tracing it so I make sure not to miss any more of your posts, Tam, this year or whenever you come back to it.

Would Andie like knowing she had been "refreshed"? :~)

Love,

~Susan

Subject: RE: BirthdayMemoriam Andie_VTam's daughter
From: olddude
Date: 26 May 09 - 10:03 AM

In my thought, heart and prayers Virginia

Dan

Subject: RE: BirthdayMemoriam Andie_VTam's daughter
From: VirginiaTam
Date: 25 May 09 - 05:17 PM

I have now. Thanks for directing me.

Subject: RE: BirthdayMemoriam Andie_VTam's daughter
From: wysiwyg
Date: 25 May 09 - 11:39 AM

Aw... nice.

VT, did you hear the song olddude wrote in memory of each of the losses we've all had?

~Susan

Subject: RE: BirthdayMemoriam Andie_VTam's daughter
From: VirginiaTam
Date: 25 May 09 - 11:28 AM

Hello Andie Dollbaby,

Yesterday I went to a Wake BBQ for departed partners of some folk friends. It was a glorious sunny day in a lovely garden in Kent. Lots of nice people, good food, adventurous stuff to drink (I know you'd like that) and excellent music (I know you'd love that).

Would have been great if you could be there. But as you couldn't, I was given a lantern to send off into the sky in your memory.

Did you see it?

Love ya baby

mumma

Subject: RE: BirthdayMemoriam Andie_VTam's daughter
From: VirginiaTam
Date: 20 May 09 - 03:53 PM

Revisiting Andie's MySpace (only joined just before she passed away) What she wrote.

About me:
I'm a lover not a fighter. I wish that I could smell like an aroused butterfly. I tend to read, watch movies, listen to music and sing along. My reading is generally fiction-most recently read-Still Life with WoodPecker by Tom Robbins. Movies...action/adventure, musicals, and comic book movies primarily. I just saw Constintine and I absolutly loved it. Mmmmm...pretty wings! I love to sing...I sing all the time. I went to college for music and it was totally worth it. :)

Who I'd like to meet:
Hal Sparks, Ant, Johnny Depp, J.K Rowling, Daniel Radcliffe, Simon Cowell, God, interesting people with interesting personalities. guitarists, bassists, drummers, looking for a vocalist. :)

General:
I enjoy camping, medieval recreation, walking, running, I enjoy cooking and baking. I like being outdoors and I think that hammock time is an integral part of any summer vacation.

Music:
I have years of musical experience and I used to be an avid concert goer. I love to sing, I couldn't live without it. Over the years, I have developed quite a cd collection, filled with Goth. rock and roll, chick rock, alternative, some classical and a lot of randomness. I really enjoy classic rock. I try to enjoy music as a whole, so I try to get my hot little hands on everything. As far as new bands go I really like, The Killers, Modest Mouse, Franz Ferdinand, Breaking Benjamin, Crossfade, and as far as favorite bands go...I really love Bella Morte (even though I don't go to as many concerts as I used to) and Carbon Leaf...(read what I wrote for Bella Morte.)

Music - Performance - Vocals
I sing rock and roll, goth, and opera.

Movies:
I like a lot of obscure stuff...probably because that's what my friends watch, so I get exposed to things that normal people have never heard of...like Hell Comes to FrogTown (I love this movie sooooo much) Meet the Feebles (terribly disterbing) Run Ronnie Run (*this is a hard-on, you gave that to me* which has oddly enough be said to me). I'm big on musicals, especially anything with Gene Kelly and Cyd Charrise or Bing Crosby or Fred Astaire. I'm pretty open minded on movies...but I don't watch horror movies any more...too many years of zombies (which I have a love for) and vampyres and mummies and ghosts and Steven King. I do have a big love for comic book movies...i.e. Constintine, Spiderman, the Punisher ect. :) O...and Dodgeball is ass kicking fun.

Television:
Is the creation of the devil...also known as the great satan. Except for Law and Order, the Simpsons, Family Guy, Futurama and Inuasha

Books:
Mmmmm...for me...books are like friends. They never put you down and they are always there when you need them. They open up new worlds of thought for everyone brave enough to look beyond the cover. I tend to fiction, fantasy, some sci-fi...anything involving love I will read it. The Moon Is A Harsh Mistress, Stranger in a Strange Land, HitchHikers Guide to the Galaxy, Harry Potter series...I'm open to suggestions. I just read Tom Robbins Still Life with Woodpecker....and it's effected me in ways that no book has since elementary school.

Heroes:
Sarah Schoper, people who stick to what they believe, all of the lovers of the world (you know who you are...and don't let the real world get you down...I will always love you.)

Subject: RE: BirthdayMemoriam Andie_VTam's daughter
From: VirginiaTam
Date: 20 May 09 - 03:06 PM

I put up pictures of my girls at work yesterday. Been at this new job since 1st October and could not bring myself to put their pictures up. Afraid people would notice, ask questions, get me started blubbering.

I never stop thinking (dozens of times a day) I want my Dollbaby back. And yet everytime I start to cry, I can almost see Andie's eyes rolling upward and hear her voice exclaiming "Too much drama, Mamma."

Subject: RE: BirthdayMemoriam Andie_VTam's daughter
From: romany man
Date: 19 May 09 - 09:14 AM

OK V.T. your turn to make me cry, XXXXXXXXX

Subject: RE: BirthdayMemoriam Andie_VTam's daughter
From: VirginiaTam
Date: 19 May 09 - 02:48 AM

Barbara- It appears that Andie is still helping people.

Subject: RE: BirthdayMemoriam Andie_VTam's daughter
From: wysiwyg
Date: 18 May 09 - 10:21 PM

<3(((Barbara)))<3

~Susan

Subject: RE: BirthdayMemoriam Andie_VTam's daughter
From: Barbara
Date: 18 May 09 - 09:40 PM

Hi VTam, I have been reading my way through your memories, and they -- and the lovely advice friends like Susan, above -- are giving you is helping me deal with the death of my mother last Wednesday. She was 90 and it was not a surprise, but the pain and sorrow and grieving catches me unexpectedly at all moments. Thank you (all) for the help.
Blessings,
Barbara

Subject: RE: BirthdayMemoriam Andie_VTam's daughter
From: wysiwyg
Date: 18 May 09 - 04:35 PM

Well, it's not really advice. Just an observation of how I think our brains are designed to work, how our intelligence brings things together.... the ADVICE I can share about it, from my first time thawing out from verbally inexpressible pain, is that it goes.... faster....smoother.... more usefully if we decide, intentionally, to let any memory/insight-- no matter how surprising or hard to accept-- bubble up to be felt-through. ("Hey, I said to myself, "I can always change my mind later!!!")

Later I learned a pile of various theories that agree with and explain all that, but the first time.... it was just what my native auto-pilot insisted upon. It's not for the faint of heart.... and we each have to follow our own path through everything in life. Tam, I trust your sense for what you need to do.

~Susan

Subject: RE: BirthdayMemoriam Andie_VTam's daughter
From: VirginiaTam
Date: 18 May 09 - 04:21 PM

Watching films with Andie and Hilary. If anyone has ever seen Mystery Science Theater 2000 you will kinow what it was like to watch films with my girls.

Andie took the lead on commentary long befroe she ever saw this programme. Funny comparisons to other shows, films, songs but outraged rants about inaccuracies. They drove her a bit potty.

More than once she was warned in the cinema to stop or she would have to leave. More than once famiy and friends would shush her when we were watching TV.

To this day, Hilary and I do this and my current partner has to (gently) intervene when I start in on somehting we are watching. I did not used to do this.

I find myself watching with Andie's eye and judging with Andie's sentiment, quite often now. Always a pleasant surprise when I catch myself doing it.

Some actual examples of Andie's movie commentary may soon be remembered. Taking Susan's advice. Opening doors in my mind so the memories can come out.

Subject: RE: BirthdayMemoriam Andie_VTam's daughter
From: Lizzie Cornish 1
Date: 17 May 09 - 09:53 AM

- "You don't just leave people alone" prompted a number of other people to remark on this quality in Andie."

Hey, wouldn't it be lovely if that outlook were adopted by schools over here in the UK and in the USA, in Andie's name.

I can see a whole website about your beautiful daughter being built around those words, Tam.

And YES, most *definitely* ask her father for those negatives, get those special moments right in front of you again.

You know, you should write a book about Andie. I think this thread is just the beginning of that book...and your Rainbow Daughter is helping you to start writing it.

"You Don't Just Leave People Alone"

Maybe that's your title...

Subject: Memories Re-filed Under "Love"
From: wysiwyg
Date: 17 May 09 - 09:01 AM

Tam, it's not at all uncommon for old memories to pop back up into aware-recall-on-demand after long bouts of weeping. Painful, stored emotion can block access to them, but they aren't really gone; they're just in need of being re-filed under "Love," and the mind can do that, automatically. It's part of why we instinctively take breaks from the deepest expresions of grief-- so that re-filing can occur. If you intentionally put your attention on the beauty and goodsness around you, in the breaktimes, it facilitates that re-filing.

~Susan

Subject: RE: BirthdayMemoriam Andie_VTam's daughter
From: VirginiaTam
Date: 17 May 09 - 07:17 AM

Ahh yes. I remember why the cows had to be rescued. Because another SCA friend would never forgive her if she hadn't tried.

Can't remember which SCA friend (one who was mad for cows- please no mad cow comments). There were so many.

To best friend Lyara I am her Other Mother. She was crazy for my fried chicken. Andie made up a jingle about my fried chikcen based on the old Kentucky Fried chicken - they do it right, advert.

Can't take it fried chicken
They do it wrong
So muuma fries it up
And we take it along.

Wish I could remember more of the silly songs she made up. Wish I could remember more about what she looked like at different ages. Infuriating how entire pockets of time slip away.

I should contact my ex and beg the negatives from him. I can still take those to Jessops and they will put on CD for me, won't they?

Subject: RE: BirthdayMemoriam Andie_VTam's daughter
From: wysiwyg
Date: 17 May 09 - 07:01 AM

Did I already say, this girl was/is a force of nature.

~Susan

Subject: RE: BirthdayMemoriam Andie_VTam's daughter
From: VirginiaTam
Date: 17 May 09 - 06:18 AM

Dear Andie (Dear Abbie or agony aunt to my UK friends)

This must have been what her friends thought of her. Hours (often late into the night) she spent on the phone dispensing support and wisdom to her friends (who were many).

God teenagers are so needy and Andie had what they needed. No sooner would she put the phone down after either her father or I threatened removal of priviledges, would it ring again. After midnight, schoolnights, it mattered not, there seemd to be an endless queue of callers.

Perhaps we should have had call waiting? Better to have installed a 900 number and make some money on the deal.

Well Andie's generosity and empathy was part of what made her so remarkable and caused people to seek her out. Guess this is why near 200 people converged in Hopewell Virginia from such distances to say goodbye to her. And why so many came up to say words over her. These are quite paraphrased as I don;t rememberthem perfectly. I cannot bare to look at the DVD at the moment. But you will get the gist of who Andie was, by what follows.

From SCA friend Emma
Andie was a bucket filler. She encouraged me to sing again after someone had told me I shouldn't. That person had tipped over my bucket and Adnie filled it again. My daughter will know her. I will teach her how to fill peoples buckets, because of Andie.

From SCA friend Fritz
I passed Andie on the way out into the screened back porch (smoking room). Andie was on her way back into the house now empty of all but my wife (who is allergic to cigarette smoke). I asked Andie where she was going. "You don't just leave people alone" was her answer. She spent most of the rest of the party talking with and getting to know my wife (a very shy person).

"You don't just leave people alone" prompted a number of other people to remark on this quality in Andie.

Best friend in high school - Lyara
When I transferred to Fluvanna High School (small rurual) from Albermarle (big school on Charlottesville) I was angry and knew I was not going to get along with the country kids. First day of school Andie comes boldy up to me while I sulking in corner of cafeteria and asks "What's your problem?" I replied with a surly "Nothing, What's your's?" Andie came straight back with "Not much if you don't count being in school with a bunch of normals. I guess I am a pretty happy freak." The thing is my hair was green at the time and I was dressed pretty much goth. And Andie had neon clothes pegs in her hair. I realised then that the country school wasn't all that bad. Found out that Andie only lived about 1/4 mile up the road from me. We became best friends after that.   

Several university friends made comments about how Andie convinced them to join APO (service fraternity at Longwood). They had never been joiners, but Andie was so much fun to be around they joined just to be near her. They still keep in contact with me on Live Journal.

Kimmie - friend from university later to marry Andie's Bard (Byrom) in the SCA. Yes she introduced them. They now have a baby daughter.

Told of Andie's very distinctive laugh. And how they were travellying back from an event. Andie in the back seat. It was night, cool out and they had been singing in the car so the windows were steamed up. They got to talking, telling stick jock stories (SCA fighting) and talking of other things. Byrom was driving, Kimmie on the passenger side, starting putting tally marks on the steamy windows. When Andie asked what they were doing. They had made a game of counting who could make Andie snort more often than the other.

Rescuing cows. Late one night when she and Kimmie had just met, they driving back to Farm Vegas (maybe Andie's name for Farmiville where Longwood uni is because of the lights at night in rural wasteland) they encounter cows escaped from some pasture wandering on the road. So Andie decided they had to notify the owner. But who?   Which field, what drive? So they opted for the first drive, drove as near the house as possible. Would have gotten out and knocked on door but for the guard dogs barking angrily all around. So she leaned on the horn and shouted out of partly rolled down window. "Your cows are loose." Then to Kimmie,   "nKay, I did the right thing, now let's go." Evidently this made a big impression on Kimmie.

Enough for now.

Subject: RE: BirthdayMemoriam Andie_VTam's daughter
From: Sandra in Sydney
Date: 16 May 09 - 11:17 PM

Tam, I'm enjoying (sometimes with tears) your posts about Andie & looking forward to more when they occur.

sandra

Subject: RE: BirthdayMemoriam Andie_VTam's daughter
From: katlaughing
Date: 16 May 09 - 10:51 PM

Life demanded her full attention for various reasons...partly taking care of her mom, full-time, who is sharp as a tack at 99, but in need of physical help. That is a full-time job in itself...but there are other things which have kept her away. That, and she gets a Mudcat Digest from me every few days via the phone.:-) She will be back some day, I hope.:-) Thanks for asking.

Subject: RE: BirthdayMemoriam Andie_VTam's daughter
From: VirginiaTam
Date: 16 May 09 - 05:21 PM

Kat - thanks for posting the link. What happened to Night Owl. I checked. Her last post was in 2003.

Subject: RE: BirthdayMemoriam Andie_VTam's daughter
From: katlaughing
Date: 16 May 09 - 04:47 PM

Tam, take your time. Your thread reminds me of a series of thread which Night Owl started on some very grave losses she experienced over many years, starting out with This One about her house burning down and how Mudcatters helped her. She found the process of writing to us, at her own pace which was very slow and thoughtful, to be cathartic and really helpful. I hope this is serving that purpose and whatever other purposes might be helpful for you, too. Thank you, again, for sharing with us.

ATB,

kat

Subject: RE: BirthdayMemoriam Andie_VTam's daughter
From: VirginiaTam
Date: 16 May 09 - 03:55 PM

More determination -

Andie was a southpaw (lefthanded - which is why she chose Zancani as her persona surname).

When I bought a second had guitar after many years guitarless, Andie was in university. She decided she was going to learn to play. I am right handed. So she started teaching herself holding it the lefthanded direction but replicating chords upside down. I could't bear to watch and hear the torture any longer and restrung it left handed for her. The pickguard looked out of place on top, but at least that way she could learn properly.


I left for the UK soon after that. Don't know she got on. Not very well I suspect, because she had the tiniest little hands and short stubby fingers (another bane to her).

Subject: RE: BirthdayMemoriam Andie_VTam's daughter
From: Lizzie Cornish 1
Date: 16 May 09 - 01:51 PM

Oh heck, don't you go saying sorry, Tam! It's really lovely learning about Andie. I've been chuckling away at your stories about her there, the little minx. I bet she ran you absolutely ragged.

Beautiful memories of your very special child. :0) xx

Subject: RE: BirthdayMemoriam Andie_VTam's daughter
From: Lonesome EJ
Date: 16 May 09 - 01:44 PM

Thanks for sharing these memories, VT. All of us who have been blessed with clever and beautiful daughters can relate to the love, the joy, and the pain.

Subject: RE: BirthdayMemoriam Andie_VTam's daughter
From: VirginiaTam
Date: 16 May 09 - 10:50 AM

....it only sounds that you had a one of kind daughter & she would have it her way no matter what ....

Well I said I needed to leave this a bit, but upon reading all the posts again and hitting on Barry's line (italics above)had to say, yes.

And it brouught up more memories.

She was stridently independent from infancy.

I remember her at just turned 2 attempting to navigate her legs into training pants, (too big for diapers now). The re is a photo of her sitting on my bed, bith legs gone through one leg opening and out the waist, an expression of determination on her little face.

Not the last time I saw that expression. Riding the bycycle received on her 5th birthday. Learning to tie her shoes. My god, she spent hours sitting on the front porch, doing it over and over, howls of anger pouring out of her. Any attempt to offer guidance or help was met with fierce rejection. "I will do it MYSELF!" Theshoes were key, because she knew that she could not go to kindergarten without know how to tie them herself. More than once I suffered romonstrations from her father or my Mother or my siblings. "Why don't you just get her the velcro shoes." "Because I want her to know how to tie laces." Had the same kind of arguments about analogue and digital watches. I wanted my children to learn to read time from analog. Was I a monster Mom or what?

Anyway, Andie was something of a Houdini when she was little. She hated clothes from infancy. always finding ways of escaping. My poor brother was at his wit's end after babysitting her one evening. He couldn't keep her inside her Pampers. I came home to find her with black electrician's taped wrapped around waist of the diaper to keep her from taking it off. She was a year old. Kevin pointed to the pile of stripped off papmers and said unless we got her lockable diapers he ouldn't babysit her again.

Bathtime. She was fish. 2 favourite things. She would put her face under the water running from the tap and blow. She loved it. I don;t know where she learned it but she always did it, whe I bathed her. Getting out of bath was followed by a dripping wet hug, she always managed to dodge the towel and a streak out fo the bathroom shrieking with laughter me chasing her with unused towel in hand. What a kid.

Hated shoes to the point of screaming. Remember Striderites? Andie was knock kneed and slightly pigeon toed. Pediatrician said put her shoes on the wrong feet for an hour in the morning and an hour in the afternoon to straighten her feet. Took only 2 bouts of her wailing to know I didn't have the heart to keep up that treatment. She learned how to get out of shoes anyway. Even the little lace locks became a game for her.

Funnily enough, though all of her life she preferred being barefoot (so do I) this girl had so many shoes as a teen and adult. She could not resist them, even the ones that were too painful to wear more than an hour.

Most babies learn how to escape a playpen by standing on a toy and climbing over. Not Andie. She tunneled her way out. Bit and chewed the vinyl skirting at the bottom fo the mesh, tand out she went. I don't know how many times I sewed up the torn spots. I finally gave up.


She learned doors and gates pretty quickly too. I spent most of her 3rd year of life with her baby sister on my hip as I ran up and down the neighborhood looking for my escaped child. You can imagine how I dreaded her learning to ride the bicycle. She would just be able to go further and faster.

Thankfully, by the time she was ready for a car, she was very responsible and even more considerate of my anxiety.   If she was going to be even 10 minutes late, she would give me a call and let me know what was up.

Should say that Andie and I didn't really bond until she was about 11 or 12. Until then she had always been her Daddie's girl, (ezcept when she was sick or a friend hurt her feelings). Suddenly, she just wanted to hang out with me and sing with me and tell me stuff abourt school and friends, when before I had wheedle. It was a year after I started working. Not being an at home mom anymore, maybe she realised she should take advantage of any time she could get.

I dunno.

Well damn, I said I was going to leave it a bit and all this stuff just bubbles up to the surface.

sorry.

Subject: RE: BirthdayMemoriam Andie_VTam's daughter
From: AllisonA(Animaterra)
Date: 16 May 09 - 08:59 AM

Dear Tam,

What a wonderful, inspiring tribute to the amazing, shining light that was (IS!) Andie. Thank you for this beautiful memorial thread. I honor you and Andie.

My husband and I have both had heartbreaking losses in recent years, and know how the remembrances, the pictures, the recordings, and even just hearing the beloved's name is so important.

We've also learned that life goes on, and healing happens, but the pain of the loss can erupt and ambush you unexpectedly from now on. You know all this.

But the most important thing I've learned, and have said it over and over again in this forum is this:
LOVE NEVER DIES!
Andie is with you always.

love to you,

Allison

Subject: RE: BirthdayMemoriam Andie_VTam's daughter
From: VirginiaTam
Date: 16 May 09 - 08:43 AM

I really don't know what to add right now. Been quite tearful, dredging all this stuff up.

I want to go on, but need a bit of break. My head and sinuses have had enough. Besides I am killing trees with all the tissues I am going through.

Thank you all for reading and learning my Andie. There will be more.

Someday.

Subject: RE: BirthdayMemoriam Andie_VTam's daughter
From: wysiwyg
Date: 15 May 09 - 04:31 PM

(refresh)

Tam, just a quick note to say I hope your "break" is going faboo, and since I'll be less online in the next few days than I am on most weekdays, please know that I'm looking forward to the next installment but never, ever urgent about WHEN or WHAT.

"Not a time-sensitive request."

~Susan

Subject: RE: BirthdayMemoriam Andie_VTam's daughter
From: Sue the Borderer
Date: 14 May 09 - 08:36 PM

Hi Tam
I'm sorry that we only got to meet briefly at Rochester Sweeps recently. It seems to me, having read this thread, that both you and your daughter are very, very special people.
Thank you for sharing Andie with us.

Love and hugs, Sue

Subject: RE: BirthdayMemoriam Andie_VTam's daughter
From: VirginiaTam
Date: 14 May 09 - 11:57 AM

Thank you all and especially Barry for sharing. I don't think I will be adding much tonight. Had acupuncture (neck and head) this afternoon and just want to drift for a while.

p.s. thanks to the people who pm'd me as well.

Subject: RE: BirthdayMemoriam Andie_VTam's daughter
From: wysiwyg
Date: 14 May 09 - 08:37 AM

(BTW my last post was made in a previously-open window right after Tam's post-- had not seen others' intervening posts before mine was submitted.)

Subject: RE: BirthdayMemoriam Andie_VTam's daughter
From: jacqui.c
Date: 14 May 09 - 08:06 AM

VT - I've been keeping tabs on this thread - there really isn't much I can say.

Take care of yourself.

Subject: RE: BirthdayMemoriam Andie_VTam's daughter
From: wysiwyg
Date: 14 May 09 - 07:32 AM

Tam. Thank you for saying it here. I think I know what it cost to line it all out.... I'm confident that in the hindsight that will come, it will prove to have been healing. But I know that, for now... anyway, I know.

And I know that no parent comes through parenting kids at that age without incredible confusion at every step-- they're all just like that as they start their "adult" lives! Let me be the first to say that you took every step right.

~Susan

Subject: RE: BirthdayMemoriam Andie_VTam's daughter
From: Barry Finn
Date: 14 May 09 - 03:48 AM

Virginia Tam, what a prize package you loved, so sorry she's gone form your life now. I can't imagine anything worst than losing a child. We are supposed to she our children into adulthood before we ourselves go first.
I swear by the love of our children, there is nothing so strong.
The last time I had a transplant my wife was so fearful of my dying (I came very close the 1st time too). I knew my daughter (she's alot like your daughter form the sounds of Andie) & wife would get past losing me but I knew my son couldn't & wouldn't, he has his demons that he deals with the best he can. I told my son I wouldn't die until I knew he was fine &could be left on his own. The doctors told my wife to ask me if I wanted to keep on fighting & she camme in & told me that if I needded to go it was ok & that I could go. I told her I wasn't going any where until Gabe (that's my son) was in a better place & that I wasn't even close to braking that promise I made him. I came through that failed transplant then 12 day coma & another liver transplant. What we will do for our kids.
All the could've, should've, would've's doesn't change a mother's love, not many of us has the gift of foresight, we're all to blessed with more than enough 20/20 hindsight though.
From the sounds of your Andie, she lived life as full as she pleased, right from the start & it sounds as if she died on her own terms too. Sounds like she was asking you to let her do just that.

I'm so sorry that you feel as if you have something to blame yourself for, I'm not in your shoes but it only sounds that you had a one of kind daughter & she would have it her way no matter what you think you could've done for her.
I hope she lives on forever in the hearts of those that loved her

Barry

Subject: RE: BirthdayMemoriam Andie_VTam's daughter
From: Lizzie Cornish 1
Date: 14 May 09 - 03:26 AM

"I was v=calling and emailing daily trying to reach her. I had to resort to calling her Bard and asking him to talk to her as she was not answering my messages."


She's answering your messages now, Tam...and every answer from here on in will be filled with love. You keep on sending those messages out to her, she'll hear them, have no fear.

You've been in a dark place for a long time, but now Andie's helping you back, out into the sunshine again.

Have a good day at work and I'm really looking forward to seeing your video of Andie if you manage to get it loaded up.

Lizzie :0) x

Subject: RE: BirthdayMemoriam Andie_VTam's daughter
From: VirginiaTam
Date: 14 May 09 - 02:56 AM

I suppose I say something about the events leading up to her passing. I have in so many other threads. It should be here.

Andie was diagnosed with autoimmune adrenal dysfunction, when she was 21. She only started exhibiting symptoms (mainly weight loss) shortly after I left the US and moved to the UK.

She went from something like a size 26 to a size 14 when I saw her a year later. After a life time of being overweight, she was thrilled with the weight loss. I nagged and nagged. "Go to the doctor, are you anorexic, what the hell is going on?" When I saw her a few months later (the girls visit to UK) she had gone down to a loose size 10 and her normally pale (she had her father's Scottish colouring) was orange and she was so weak.

Her sister had to trick her into going to the doctor when they got back to US and that was when she was diagnosed. Once on cortisol ( the hormone replacement for what the adrenal glands were no longer producing) she started putting on weight, feeling better, though any little thing (cold, flu, injury) can tip you into danger zone again).

She didn't like the cortosol. CLaimed it changed her personality. From her Live Journal... "I don't like this new girl. She is so afraid of everyone." She also constantly griped about not having the money to keep going to doctor and to buy medicine. Her father and sister know she was rationing it. She then got the flu. The last thing her father heard from her was a muttering "Damn Loki (her boyfriend) gave me his flu. I had warned both Andie and her father that she would need to check into hospital for saline drip and cortisol injections if she ever caught cold or flu. They both thought I was over-reacting (her father said making mountaqin out of molehills as you usually do).

Andie went into shock. Her father found her dressed and curled up in the bathtub as though to take a nap, she had even pulled the curtain closed. In hospital they got her heart going 3 times and then gave up. It was asmall hospital and not equipped to deal with her condition. The ER doctor didn't even know what Addison's disease (adrenal dysfunction) was.

In the 3 weeks leading up to her death I had nightmares every night. Not specifically about Andie (dying kiteens and nameless faceless babies) but I knew it was about Andie. I was v=calling and emailing daily trying to reach her. I had to resort to calling her Bard and asking him to talk to her as she was not answering my messages.

Her last email to me was an undramatic request to please not involve and worry her friends in her business. And to please stop interfering in her life.

So... now I need to go to work. Tonight I will add soething jolly again.

love to all

Tamara

Subject: RE: BirthdayMemoriam Andie_VTam's daughter
From: Peace
Date: 13 May 09 - 09:48 PM

I didn't know my eyes could have that many tears, Tam.

Bruce

Subject: RE: BirthdayMemoriam Andie_VTam's daughter
From: Spleen Cringe
Date: 13 May 09 - 06:43 PM

Tam. Much love and good vibes to you. x

Subject: RE: BirthdayMemoriam Andie_VTam's daughter
From: wysiwyg
Date: 13 May 09 - 06:03 PM

but a song can't stay trapped
in a body of flesh

And neither can grief. It insists on finding its way out-- in tears, laughter, yawning, etc.,-- so you can release all the love she implanted in you, back out to the world-- her love for the world, fully manifest in it.

but a song can't stay trapped
in a body of flesh

That's IT, in so many ways, right there.

And that is ONE reason this is a MUSIC THREAD.

~Susan

Subject: RE: BirthdayMemoriam Andie_VTam's daughter
From: VirginiaTam
Date: 13 May 09 - 03:58 PM

Oh Kat... So sorry to hear about your friend.

hugs to you and all the rest of you while I am at it.

Subject: RE: BirthdayMemoriam Andie_VTam's daughter
From: VirginiaTam
Date: 13 May 09 - 03:50 PM

Andie - friend and defender.

This kid was never nervous or afraid of anyone. Rich, poor, popular, brainy, slow, damaged, whatever. Every new face whether shy, scared, smiling, aloof, or frowning was a potential friend.

Andie was overweight most of her life and she had glasses from 7 years old. One would think the combination would put her low in the playground pecking order.

Nope! She was a natural leader and nurturer. When she was 5 she looked on me as her personal secretary. One vacation, sunning beside the ppol, my 5 year old social butterfly, approaches me and says "Mom, please be sure I am back down here at the pool at 2:30 after my nap. I am meeting with Amanda and Becky." As she waved in the general direction of 2 older girls (7 or 8 year olds) at the shallow end of the pool. It was the start of many, many, chauferrings here and there and organising parties, study buddy meetings, school extra curriculars, etc. What is a Mom for after all.


In first grade I got my first call from the principal. She had bee standing in double line for the new slide on playground and behind her a little boy with learning disability kept kicking gravel up onto the back of her legs and the legs of girl next to her. Legs were bare as they were all in shorts. Andie had turned a number of times to tell the boy to stop. A teacher was holding his hand to keep him from running amok, but she was talking to another teacher and so ignoring the playground drama unfolding under her nose. Andie warned the boy one last time to stop (in a loud voice) or she would show him what it felt like. He didn't so she kicked gravel up so that it struck and stung the fronts of his legs. Naturally the teacher who was distracting the one holding the boy's hand, dragged Andie to the office and the principal called me,

Andie was livid. She made some comment about if the teachers have to hold his hand to keep him from hurting himself and others then why didn't they stop him hurtiung me and my friend?

It wasn'tlong after that she came home from school declaring that she wanted to be president of the United 'States when she grew up. I asked her why this sudden wish. She fairly growled at me... "because I HAVE to be in charge."

Later when she was about 12, I was remarking on Andie's desire to be president to a family member and she instantly corrected me. "No I don't, because you need party support to get to be president and women don't get any party support."   We are talking early 1990's here. I wondered if she figured that out all by herself or if some teacher at the fundamental baptist school she was attending then had taken her down a notch. I didn't push it. The comment was bitter in tone and I could tell she did not want to talk further on it.

Back in the public school system in high school Andie really blossomed again. She made scores of friends.   Very involved in choir, drama and medieval SCA. often leading and teaching songs to the SCA friends. One friend wrote the following on the day she learned of Andie's passing. Really tells how they thought of Andie.

THE VOICE IN THE GLEN

There's a voice in the glen
a far away valley
able to call friends together
and bring them to rally

She spoke in the language
of music and heart
was quick to direct us
each to our part

Our voices weren't hers and
we laughed all the time
but she never failed to finish
teaching us the rhyme

She loved us and taught us
and gave us her best
but a song can't stay trapped
in a body of flesh

A friend and a sister
and though we all miss her
her voice will sing on in the glen

(this is how I will always remember Andie, Stephanie M.)

Somehow I must get video of Andie in school play A Midsummer's Night Dream up with a link here. In it shows her teaching a lullaby (she wrote) to the fairies Peasebottom, et al. So sweet and funny as she would sing liltingly and ask them to sing at which they would all howl and shriek. Andie stamping her foot, yanking at her hair (hair again) crying,,, "No NO No... like this"... and the scene repeated itself again.

Though this was a planned scene in the play, it had been played out in real life when she taught her friends new songs.

I think this is enough for tonight.

I am going to shop for GOLD archive DVDs so I can get the VHS videos in a safer and more useable format. Think I may be strong enough to start looking at them now.

Subject: RE: BirthdayMemoriam Andie_VTam's daughter
From: Lizzie Cornish 1
Date: 13 May 09 - 03:27 PM

Your lovely daughter is making us all chuckle, Tam. :0) Everytime I buy brocoli from now on, I'll imagine it sitting on Andie's head, and smile.

The tears heal...cry them all out, over and over...eventually they'll be replaced by smiles, warmth and even more love.

Time to let the pain go, but never your Andie, just the pain, Sweet Tam. xxx

Subject: RE: BirthdayMemoriam Andie_VTam's daughter
From: katlaughing
Date: 13 May 09 - 02:48 PM

This has been a poignant read for me the past twenty-four hours. My Rog and I lost a best friend, unexpectedly yesterday morning. He was quite musical and talented, too. Thanks for sharing, VTam.

Subject: RE: BirthdayMemoriam Andie_VTam's daughter
From: wysiwyg
Date: 13 May 09 - 02:46 PM

[snerksnortgiggle]

I later came to think the blue hair wasn't needed (and I changed colors), but the next time I get forbidden anything, by anyone, I hope I remember to think of Andie and the fun we'd have had turning forbidding into encouraging! :~)

~Susan

Subject: RE: BirthdayMemoriam Andie_VTam's daughter
From: VirginiaTam
Date: 13 May 09 - 02:41 PM

Oh dear, thank you all. Lizzie that Sinead song has me weeping. But in a good way.

I just remembered another hair story. When Andie's hair was green she bunched it all up on top of her head and curled it with my mini curling iron. She was bopping through the house with what looked alamingly like a stalk of broccoli bobbling on her head.

Our cat, Squeaky went a bit mental, hissing and growling at the alien thing attacking Andie. Andie came up with a song - "Run kitty run, Run from wicked broccoli" done in operatic voice.

Subject: RE: BirthdayMemoriam Andie_VTam's daughter
From: Maryrrf
Date: 13 May 09 - 02:23 PM

Thanks for sharing, VTam. I know how much these memories must mean to you and now we all feel that we know your Andie better. She sounds like a wonderful girl.

Subject: RE: BirthdayMemoriam Andie_VTam's daughter
From: gnu
Date: 13 May 09 - 02:16 PM

Missed this. I have no words, just a few tears, mixed with sadness and joy. Thanks for sharing.

Subject: RE: BirthdayMemoriam Andie_VTam's daughter
From: Lizzie Cornish 1
Date: 13 May 09 - 02:11 PM

Tam, Tam, Tam!   

You have been spiritually beating yourself up for all these years, when your dear daughter has been wrapped tight around you, loving you all that time...never letting you go.

We are all here for an allotted time, and there is *nothing* on this earth that can change that, (Richard, you and Jacqui come into this big hug, too)

Your daughter is a very Special Spirit.

I have never believed that what we so strangely call 'death' is the end of 'life', it is but a small step into the next part of everything, much as being born is. I also believe that we are surrounded by souls who love us from the moment we take that next step, and never left alone, ever.

She was given to you and you know how blessed you were to have her, to have each other. Andie will always be yours. You will always be her mother, she will always be your daughter, and every single year from now on you should have the most glorious celebration of your Beautiful Andie's life and the love she had inside her.

What an incredible lass she sounds! :0) Her love of everything creative, there right from the start in so many things she did...She lived her life to the full and I'm sure she had a great time. You can see how many people she touched, and how deeply she touched them too. How wonderful is that? Invite them all, and let rip, Tam! Everyone can come with brightly coloured hair...A Rainbow Hair Party. :0)

Oh, to sit here and watch you unfolding, letting out that pain, and seeing it turn into such love, to actually physically see the healing beginning to happen, the love POURING out of you right now. absolute magic!   And Tam, guess what? I've also no doubts at all that your Andie is right beside you as you've been writing all of this, smiling, grinning her beautiful pixie grin, with her soul wrapped tight around her Mum once again, so happy that finally you're able to see that she's OK, that she's safe, and that she's with you and the no part of this was your fault, but just as it was all meant to be.

Andie will *always* be with you, Sweet Lady..and as Mick has said earlier, your posts, thoughts, humour and intelligence are an absolute joy and inspiration to read at times...It's brilliant to know that your Andie is so like her dear Mum.

This has to be one of the most special threads on Mudcat, because we're all witnessing something very beautiful happening here..

Happy Birthday, Andie..and a very Happy Birthday to you Tam, because this is the first year when the new Birth of Andie has started, and still you are her mother, but you're finally learning to hold her tight in a different way, learning to hold her in your heart, without guilt, without blame, only with Pure Love.

Absolute Oodles of Love coming your way. And right now, I'm off to put a sparkly flower in my hair, in honour of your Andie, because today she is SPARKLING furiously! :0)

So, Tam, this is for You and Andie, on your very, very special day....Andie's Day. ((((xxxx))))

Release


"Don't argue amongst yourselves
Because of the loss of me
I'm sitting amongst yourselves
Don't think you can't see me
Don't argue amongst yourselves
Because of the loss of me
I haven't gone anywhere
but out of my body

Reach out and you'll touch me
Make effort to speak to me
Call out and you'll hear me
Be happy for me

Don't argue amongst yourselves
Because of the loss of me
I haven't gone anywhere
but out of my body

Reach out and you'll touch me
Make effort to speak to me
Call out and you'll hear me
Be happy for me"

Subject: RE: BirthdayMemoriam Andie_VTam's daughter
From: katlaughing
Date: 13 May 09 - 12:55 PM

It good sharing, Vtam, thanks.