BS: Got the wind something terrible

Subject: RE: BS: Got the wind something terrible
From: Bryn Pugh
Date: 30 Sep 08 - 11:12 AM

Last time we went across the Pond I had to advise the grandsons that to sing :

Yankee Doodle went to town
In a cart and pony.

He let a fart that split the cart
And paralysed the pony.

Might not impress their great-grandmaw (me mother) or their great aunt (me sister) ;-)

Subject: RE: BS: Got the wind something terrible
From: Sorcha
Date: 29 Sep 08 - 10:09 PM

Uh, Pardon ME, GUEST,dschibut but YOU didn't start this thread/discussion...MEMBER old dude did....and it's a couple weeks old...what IS your point here?

and why do you want to know which are Anon???? What gives here?

Subject: RE: BS: Got the wind something terrible
From: GUEST,Bob Ryszkiewicz
Date: 29 Sep 08 - 08:34 PM

Aye matey...An extra measure of rum for all brave sailors...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zXuzy0k9mZQ
BR

Subject: RE: BS: Got the wind something terrible
From: GUEST,Bob Ryszkiewicz
Date: 29 Sep 08 - 08:28 PM

You got 2 choices..Trim your sails and head for shore and calmer waters or take probiotics...

Subject: RE: BS: Got the wind something terrible
From: Don Firth
Date: 27 Aug 08 - 01:00 AM

Now, THAT's FUNNY!!

Don Firth

Subject: RE: BS: Got the wind something terrible
From: Rapparee
Date: 26 Aug 08 - 03:21 PM

Is that what is meant by a breech-loading firearm?

Subject: RE: BS: Got the wind something terrible
From: Don Firth
Date: 26 Aug 08 - 01:58 PM

"They Call the Wind. . . ."    Uh -- who was that again?

Superhero

Or

No comment necessary.

Don Firth

Subject: RE: BS: Got the wind something terrible
From: Mr Red
Date: 26 Aug 08 - 01:33 PM

" Got the wind something terrible" ???


I heard the reports.............

Subject: RE: BS: Got the wind something terrible
From: wysiwyg
Date: 25 Aug 08 - 11:37 PM

Tomorrow night's supper is planned to be chili dogs with red-hot sausage (picked up on vacay) in place of the usual thawed cheap hotdogs. In honor of you all.

~S~

Subject: RE: BS: Got the wind something terrible
From: olddude
Date: 25 Aug 08 - 09:51 PM

The poetry is beautiful and I will look into FA
I think it must be an organization founded by the wives of old dudes like me. They had to take action , got tired of banishing the husband out the back door

Subject: RE: BS: Got the wind something terrible
From: Amergin
Date: 25 Aug 08 - 09:34 PM

A Mighty Wind

As I travel down the back roads, of this home I love so much,
Every carpenter and cowboy, every lame many on a crutch..
They're all talking about a feeling, or a taste that's in the air,
They're all talking about this mighty wind, that's blowing everywhere,

Oh a mighty winds a blowin', it's kickin' up the sand,
It's blowin' out a message to every woman, child and man
Yes a mighty winds a blowin', cross the land and cross the sea,
It's blowin' peace and freedom, it's blowin' equality.

(The Folksmen)
From a lighthouse in Barr Harbor, to a bridge called Golden Gate,
From a troller down in Shreveport, to the shore of one great lake,
There's a star on the horizon, and it's burning like a flame,
It's lighting up this mighty wind, that's blowin' everywhere,

Oh a mighty winds a blowin', it's kickin' up the sand,
It's blowin' out a message to every woman, child and man
Yes a mighty winds a blowin', cross the land and cross the sea,
It's blowin' peace and freedom, it's blowin' equality.

(Mitch & Mickey)
When the blind man sees the picture, when the deaf man hears the word,
When the fisherman stops fishing, when the hunter spares the herd,
We'll still hear the wondrous story, of a world where people care,
The story of this mighty wind that blowin' everywhere

Oh a mighty winds a blowin', it's kickin' up the sand,
It's blowin' out a message to every woman, child and man
Yes a mighty winds a blowin', cross the land and cross the sea,
It's blowin' peace and freedom, it's blowin' equality.
Yes it's blowin' peace and freedom, it's blowin' you and me…

Subject: RE: BS: Get the window! (Something terrible!)
From: Severn
Date: 25 Aug 08 - 09:28 PM

Dan,

Try Farters Anonymous.

It's like all the other 12-step programs, except nobody ever says "Thanks for sharing!" at the end of each testimony where everyone might tell the truth but nobody comes clean. But it's the only place in the world where everybody actually readily admits to it

Although it's hard to get through a testimony with the whole circle giggling and saying "He/She who smelt one, dealt one!" through your whole speech.

And any "Amen, brother!" is replaced by "Yer darn tootin'!"

And it's OK to have gotten your Dishonorable Discharge from the Armed Services.

And you'd better believe everybody obeys the No Smoking sign.

And they'll have a Fart-Anon meeting for the supportive friends and signicant others downstairs, where they'll usually have the Al-anon meetings upstairs.


Because Serenity doesn't always smell like a rose.


But sometimes the smell of serenity, uh,.....like,....arose!











I see the hand of Joe & the clones is at work, as a perfectly innocent GUEST post I responded to is gone, while the respons to it remains....

Subject: RE: BS: Got the wind something terrible
From: olddude
Date: 25 Aug 08 - 08:40 PM

I think it was Winnie the PEW
that last one reeked bad, hot dog backup

Subject: RE: BS: Got the wind something terrible
From: olddude
Date: 25 Aug 08 - 08:32 PM

OMG !!! I fell over

Subject: RE: BS: Got the wind something terrible
From: Severn
Date: 25 Aug 08 - 07:53 PM

or cooked


He's no fun, he fell right over....

Subject: RE: BS: Got the wind something terrible
From: Severn
Date: 25 Aug 08 - 07:50 PM

Dan?

Dan!

DAN!

Are you all right?

I'd hate to have THAT on my conscience!

He's not a youngdude anymore

People would blame it on his Hot Dog diet or say he blew himself away as a suicide, but I'd never get it off my concience.....


Somebody send out for a canine rescue team, live of cooked.....


Dan, can you hear me?.....

Subject: RE: BS: Got the wind something terrible
From: Don Firth
Date: 25 Aug 08 - 07:50 PM

Well, here's a challenge for you:   the theme from Masterpiece Theatre.

Or you could hire out as a free-lance fog horn. . . .

Don Firth

Subject: RE: BS: Got the wind something terrible
From: olddude
Date: 25 Aug 08 - 05:09 PM

Weenie-The-Pooh
can't breath ... stop it ...I am falling over

Subject: RE: BS: Got a whim (something terrible)
From: Severn
Date: 25 Aug 08 - 04:45 PM

Don,

If he's wanted bird calls, he's have probably called the thread, "Got the wind something treble", unless he were on Black Mountain like Bessie Smith, Dave Van Ronk or Tom Rush used to sing about...

"Up in Black Mountain, a little child will spit in your face (2x)
All the babies scream for whiskey, and all the birds sing bass"


Dan,

To paraphrase Bee-dubya-el,

'Tis far better to have a mild case of Hot Dog Farts than a bad case of Weenie-The-Pooh!

And frankly, 'tis better to be a "'Furter-Spurter" than a "'Furter-Squirter" or a "'Furter-Hurter"!

We'll take it no 'furter, for now......

Subject: RE: BS: Got the wind something terrible
From: Don Firth
Date: 25 Aug 08 - 04:19 PM

Anybody do bird calls?

Don Firth

Subject: RE: BS: Got the wind something terrible
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 25 Aug 08 - 04:14 PM

No matter how noisome, vile, and putrescent your farts are, as long as you're not actually shitting in your pants, they could be worse.

Subject: RE: BS: Got the wind something terrible
From: Donuel
Date: 25 Aug 08 - 03:35 PM

We had a bunch of microwave entrees that had this particular effect.
I think Rodolfo at the processing plant didn't wash his hands.

Subject: RE: BS: Got the wind something terrible
From: heric
Date: 25 Aug 08 - 03:30 PM

There's some song about All the Flavors of the Wind.

Subject: RE: BS: Got the wind something terrible
From: quokka
Date: 25 Aug 08 - 12:42 PM

Thanks, Severn...just as long as you don't want a nice Chianti to go with them thar fava beans (0o8o%%`````````)

Subject: RE: BS: Got the wind something terrible
From: olddude
Date: 25 Aug 08 - 12:33 PM

I am off to the dentist this afternoon. I am thinking if I can toot a little bit, I may get out of there faster.   Where is a burrito when i guy needs one however, I sure I can find another bottle of warm ironcity

Subject: RE: BS: Got the wind something terrible
From: Severn
Date: 25 Aug 08 - 12:20 PM

Sure, it's one big Bean Be-in here and you haven't fallen out of Fava amongst us yet. So eat a pint-o' the things give us some of the Big Noise From Down Under and contributt your Legume Fume of Doom to the room!

Subject: RE: BS: Got the wind something terrible
From: wysiwyg
Date: 25 Aug 08 - 12:18 PM

No worries-- I can rip a good one AND teach about its origin. :~)

~S~

Subject: RE: BS: Got the wind something terrible
From: Rapparee
Date: 25 Aug 08 - 12:18 PM

Four strong winds that blow lonely
Skatoles that run high
All these things that won't change
Come what may

Well, our good times are all gone
And I'm bound for movin' on
I'll look for you
If you come out the back porch way....

Subject: RE: BS: Got the wind something terrible
From: quokka
Date: 25 Aug 08 - 12:07 PM

can I join in? I just had some musical fruit on toast!

Subject: RE: BS: Got the wind something terrible
From: Severn
Date: 25 Aug 08 - 12:00 PM

WHOOOOOOOOOOOOSH!

What ho! A GUEST of Wind!

Looks like we've got the "A Gust O' Heritage Festival" going on full blast! Plenty of the aforementioned tootered classes going on there.....

Subject: RE: BS: Got wind of something terrible
From: Severn
Date: 25 Aug 08 - 11:32 AM

a typo near about something like "anout", maybe?

Subject: RE: BF: "A MIGHTY WIND 2"
From: Severn
Date: 25 Aug 08 - 11:28 AM

WYSIWYG,

Are you telling us after all this time that what we CAN'T see is really what we get?

Is a name change for you in order?

You talk anout being "able to digest come grains"? Are you feeling your oats or was that just a typo?

See what happens when you go against the grain!......












Could Joe move this thread to the BF section?

Subject: RE: BS: Got the wind something terrible
From: catspaw49
Date: 25 Aug 08 - 11:03 AM

Geeziz Wyzzy..... Are you trying to tell me you pass off your farts as a kind of hormonal thing? Now that's lame Woman!!!! Just stand up and say proudly, "Damn, what a rip!!! Like to shit my drawers on that one!"

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Got the wind something terrible
From: Severn
Date: 25 Aug 08 - 10:47 AM

olddude, there are sailing ships becalmed in the doldrums that would hire you for good money as either a wind source to fill the sails or as an outboard motor.

"THAR' HE BLOWS!

"WAY, HEY, BLOW THE MEN DOWN!

and all that rot.....





....or with a proper tooter, you could learn to play tunes until someone agrees to pay for your Tuba-Ligation.


And your loving wife should be crooning "You Are The Wind Beneath My Wings" in your praises.....




Seriously, Dan, I have on my bookshelves a volume entitled "Fart Proudly: Writings of Benjamin Franklin You Never Read In School" edited by Carl Japikse (Enthea Press 1990).

In his "letter to The Royal Academy Of Brussells" he states...

"My Prize Question therefore should be to discover some Drug wholesome and not disagreeable, to be mixed with our common Food, or Sauces, that shall render the Natural Discharges, of Windfrom our Bodies, not only inoffensive, but agreeable as Perfumes."

....and expounds upon his proposal.

I guess nobody ever formulated anything that would make everything coming out roses yet, but that favorite Old Fart Ben was talking about it in a scholarly manner back in 1781.


"Farter along
We'll understand why......."











"Methane, runnin' all around your brain....."

(With your addiction, you thankfully don't even have to snort. And you're your own Meth Lab)

Subject: RE: BS: Got the wind something terrible
From: wysiwyg
Date: 25 Aug 08 - 09:41 AM

Late to the party, again....

A little-known fact is that as women age, we are less able to digest come grains. The range of effects can include excessive wind as well as IBS and all the rest of the Celiac Disease symptoms. Seems an enzyme is reduced that we need to process the grain. More info from Dr. Christiane Northrup's latest book.

But this prolly ain't what bothered olddude. :~)

~S~

Subject: RE: BS: Got the wind something terrible
From: olddude
Date: 25 Aug 08 - 09:00 AM

Rapaire
can't stop laughing !! "ye scurvy dogs" I don't think I ever saw that team play ;-)

Subject: RE: BS: Got the wind something terrible
From: Rapparee
Date: 25 Aug 08 - 08:49 AM

No, it's to prevent scurvy. Scurvy is a common affliction in California, as in "ye scurvy dogs!" and "scurvy bilge rats!" (both of which are professional sports teams, one in Santa Puta and the other in Hayfork).

Subject: RE: BS: Got the wind something terrible
From: olddude
Date: 25 Aug 08 - 08:35 AM

My dad thought there were only 2 types of beer in the world
iron city in a bottle, iron city in a can

He farted a lot now that I think about it...


Why is it that all the california people I know have a slice of lime stuck in their beer... does it prevent getting a case of the "wind"?

Subject: RE: BS: Got the wind something terrible
From: Rapparee
Date: 25 Aug 08 - 08:30 AM

Knew a guy here in Idaho who had The Problem. He tied the cuffs to his pants and the cuffs of his shirt shut, buttoned his shirt up tight, and let fly.

He was last seen drifting towards Minneapolis at about 5,000 feet.

Subject: RE: BS: Got the wind something terrible
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 25 Aug 08 - 05:10 AM

To fart it is a pleasure,
It gives the bowels ease.
It delicately scents the sheets,
and suffocates the fleas.



Or perhaps in your case 'Blows them away'

Blow the wind Southerly .... I say!!

Subject: RE: BS: Got the wind something terrible
From: Rasener
Date: 25 Aug 08 - 04:38 AM

>>But hey, we're not allowed to fart here in California. We have to take enzymes to prevent it. It's the law.
-Joe- <<

My god Joe, you must all be in agony :-)

Subject: RE: BS: Got the wind something terrible
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 25 Aug 08 - 03:14 AM

"Shot and a Beer Town"

Does that mean that if you drink Beer you get shot?

Subject: RE: BS: Got the wind something terrible
From: catspaw49
Date: 25 Aug 08 - 01:54 AM

LOL......Ya' know, Pittsburgh was once described as a "Shot and a Beer Town" and I have no idea how you'd check this but I've always had the feeling in the bars I've been in there that it really IS a shot and a beer place. But I also think that Pittsburgh takes the rap for the entire vicinity extending along the Ohio Valley to Weirton and north to Steubenville (neither of which are even in Pennsylvania).......both are tougher places than the 'Burgh itself.

Not a lot to do with the original subject except that a well rounded male from these environs has a solid base in the world of flatulence.


Spaw ("valley" boy)

Subject: RE: BS: Got the wind something terrible
From: Joe Offer
Date: 25 Aug 08 - 12:31 AM

Ya, but if you're in a place like the 'Burgh where everybody farts, who cares? That's what it was like in Milwaukee before the yuppies came.
But hey, we're not allowed to fart here in California. We have to take enzymes to prevent it. It's the law.
-Joe-

Subject: RE: BS: Got the wind something terrible
From: catspaw49
Date: 25 Aug 08 - 12:11 AM

Depends on the brew Joebro. If you're guzzling Iron City it doesn't matter a ratsass whether its cold or hot. Its all the same in the 'Burgh........................

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Got the wind something terrible
From: Joe Offer
Date: 24 Aug 08 - 11:04 PM

It was the warm beer, for sure. A six-pack of the cold stuff will make you feel just fine....


But hey, stay downwind from me for awhile, willya?

love,
-Joe-

Subject: RE: BS: Got the wind something terrible
From: Rapparee
Date: 24 Aug 08 - 09:59 PM

Recently the local fire department had a hazmat drill. Now the hazmat suits are connected to a special pump just for this drill -- normally they'd have self-contained breathing appartus, or SCBA, units. But to save the SCBA units in case a real emergency happened during the drill they used the pump.

Now these suits cut you off completely from the outside world and the FD had six firefighters working in them. One of the chaps, however, had a terrible problem relating to bean burritos, Dr. Pepper soda, and some fried cabbage he'd enjoyed before coming on shift -- and suiting up for the drill.

God knows, he tried to prevent a hazmat accident inside his hazmat suit. But it was not to be. He poisoned his own atmosphere so completely that the fumes ate away the cuffs of his suit. This sudden drop in suit pressure somehow forced the fumes (which had by now eaten away all of his body hair) back into the pump and into the suits of the other five firefighters.

All of the other five succumbed instantly. All of their body hair fell off and a real, true, hazmat emergency was declared. The suit (and body) of the guy who started it all was sealed into a special container which was immediately transported to the Idaho National Laboratory, where, in the middle of 590 square miles of Idaho desert, it was opened by remotely controlled vehicles.

The other five are fine, now, and are looking high and low for the first guy. Seems like a blond and a redhead -- both women -- were among those who are no longer hirsute. The first guy has been collected by the US Army's Chemical Warfare Corps and is now Top Secret. Further details are expected to become available in the semi-near future.

Subject: RE: BS: Got the wind something terrible
From: Janie
Date: 24 Aug 08 - 09:40 PM

Why 'Spaw typed that in green

Subject: RE: BS: Got the wind something terrible
From: Beer
Date: 24 Aug 08 - 09:12 PM

Remember the scene from All in The Family when Meat-head and Archie had to sleep together and Meat-head lets a silent one go and then picks up the end of his blanket and waves it. What a great moment in comedy.
Beer (adrien)

Subject: RE: BS: Got the wind something terrible
From: JennieG
Date: 24 Aug 08 - 09:06 PM

Ozzie children's rhyme:

"Wherever you be, let your wind blow free
For holding in a fart was the death of me!"

Cheers
JennieG

Subject: RE: BS: Got the wind something terrible
From: Richard Bridge
Date: 24 Aug 08 - 09:00 PM

How about "Rocket Man"?

Subject: RE: BS: Got the wind something terrible
From: olddude
Date: 24 Aug 08 - 08:29 PM

LOL You win Peace

Subject: RE: BS: Got the wind something terrible
From: Peace
Date: 24 Aug 08 - 07:42 PM

Jaysus. I let one drop and had to leave mid-post. Well, the room needed repainting anyway. Those blisters on the walls will help make it easier to remove the old coat of paint.

Subject: RE: BS: Got the wind something terrible
From: Peace
Date: 24 Aug 08 - 07:40 PM

There is something noble about farts. They live a life wherein they are scorned because they have an odor that some folks find offensive (OK, when ya gotta chew 'em and spit 'em out that's disgusting); they make noises ranging from a sax-like squeal to a trumpet blast (and thyat irritates the dog); they are spurned by all yet they are given birth to by all; they

Subject: RE: BS: Got the wind something terrible
From: olddude
Date: 24 Aug 08 - 07:27 PM

I use to walk to school when I was a kid in grade school with my cousin Eddie and a chubby neighbor kid Frankie.   Frankie's mom thought the key to happiness in life was clean bowels. One time we went to pick him up before school and I watched in horror as his mom gave him 5 - count them - 5 tablespoons of Milk of Magnesia. Our walk to school was about a mile and a half.

Later in class he kept letting em fly over and over. He raised his hand and asked sister Rose if he could be excused. She said no, wait until recess, He raised it again ... she said No ...

Then it happened, he blew, the girl behind him screamed. I used my 4th grade training and quickly did a tuck and roll ... the rest of the class raced out of the room like a fire had broken out.

It was a scene of total carnage ...

Subject: RE: BS: Got the wind something terrible
From: Jeri
Date: 24 Aug 08 - 06:42 PM

Yeah, and listen to people exclaim "Look - it's the Michelin man!"

Subject: RE: BS: Got the wind something terrible
From: Peace
Date: 24 Aug 08 - 06:05 PM

Yeah. And to prevent public embarrassment, if you're wearing long pants, bicycle clip both legs near the ankle.

Subject: RE: BS: Got the wind something terrible
From: Rapparee
Date: 24 Aug 08 - 06:04 PM

A little propeller, a generator, and you can make your own electricity!   Put this apparatus between the originating orifice and the collection funnel.

Subject: RE: BS: Got the wind something terrible
From: Peace
Date: 24 Aug 08 - 06:03 PM

Got the same problem. Farted this morning and there was nothing left of my underpants except the elastic band.

Subject: RE: BS: Got the wind something terrible
From: olddude
Date: 24 Aug 08 - 05:56 PM

ClairBear
that was cruel ... Jello ... I would rather float off into space or maybe say my prayers and light the cig

Subject: RE: BS: Got the wind something terrible
From: olddude
Date: 24 Aug 08 - 05:15 PM

Well at first I tried to blame the little dog. My wife said
hey after 35 years don't think you can pull that one off mister. Then I was banished in exile to the back porch

Subject: RE: BS: Got the wind something terrible
From: SINSULL
Date: 24 Aug 08 - 04:56 PM

Interesting that he retired and opened a biscuit factory, Is that where the term air biscuit originated?

Subject: RE: BS: Got the wind something terrible
From: olddude
Date: 24 Aug 08 - 04:50 PM

Spaw
I didn't realize, thank you ... it is a true art form

Subject: RE: BS: Got the wind something terrible
From: bobad
Date: 24 Aug 08 - 04:36 PM

It's been done: Le Pétomane.

Subject: RE: BS: Got the wind something terrible
From: CarolC
Date: 24 Aug 08 - 04:21 PM

I imagine the sphincter muscles could be trained so that, if one wanted to turn this episode into a musical interlude, one could accompany one's singing with both guitar and butt horn. This could definitely be a positive development.

Subject: RE: BS: Got the wind something terrible
From: Beer
Date: 24 Aug 08 - 04:13 PM

Just a burp gone backwards.

Subject: RE: BS: Got the wind something terrible
From: Lizzie Cornish 1
Date: 24 Aug 08 - 04:02 PM

Spaw, I think your good lady deserves a medal! ;0)

Subject: RE: BS: Got the wind something terrible
From: Rapparee
Date: 24 Aug 08 - 03:57 PM

Don't waste it. Use a funnel and hose to collect it to heat your house next winter.

Subject: RE: BS: Got the wind something terrible
From: Betsy
Date: 24 Aug 08 - 03:53 PM

Don't waste it - buy a kite.

Subject: RE: BS: Got the wind something terrible
From: catspaw49
Date: 24 Aug 08 - 02:59 PM

Oldddude......One of the sorrows of being a noobie around here is that you don't realize that farting is a time honored subject at the 'Cat and something of great pride as well. There are probably well over 50 threads dedicated to the subject in some sort of manner or another. This one for instance:

Flammable Flatulence


Addtionally there are some spectacular stories of pharting phenomena and other things in the stories of Paw, Cletus, Buford, and the Reg Boys. Here's one.....an oldie but a goodie but which begins when "The Boys" are celebrating Buford's return from the dead.......................

It became a joyous evening of the three of them and the Reg boys getting drunk on "Iron City" and 'Shine and roasting a hog out in my backyard alongside the garage. Of course, after a while, Paw started lighting up farts as is his wont, and that's what I now have come to believe is one of those things best left unexplained.

The neighbors began to complain about 11 o'clock or so after one of Paw's flamers had ignited the hedge on his property. That would have passed as the boys got it put out pretty quick, being full of Iron City and all, but when a major rip set fire to his wife's bird feeder....well, that was it. I tried to calm the guy down and assured him nothing like that would happen again. He went back into his house dragging the charred remains of the feeder and a roasted squirrel that had been looting it when Paw let fly with that fiery thundersprecht.

Anyway, I got them situated again and since my house has aluminum siding, my only request was that they point Paw towards the wall. I figured a good hosing would clean off the worst of it in the morning. I went inside and the revelry continued at a somewhat decreased decibel level with only the occasional flash lighting the window of my den. Around 2 AM the boys came in for a final pee call and of course they couldn't just go. I heard either Reg or Reg in my pantry and before I could get up there, the whole crew was playing sink the Cheerios in my downstairs bathroom. Karen, my wife who is usually blessed with some patience for them, came downstairs at this point and threw a fit since our kids watch everything "The Boys" do and we were spending a fortune in Cheerios. After a severe ass-reaming from Karen, I herded them back outside and suggested they get some sleep around the smouldering pig carcass. I went back in and after cleaning and disinfecting the bathroom and taking a shower, I again settled down in front of the TV to watch a half-hour Infomercial on how I could make thousands a week by selling quinnine pills through Direct Mail Order and running tiny little ads.

They were just getting to the good part with the testimonials and all when there was this giant blast from the backyard and the night sky lit up like a Buddhist monk. There was a moment of silence and then I heard Cletus yell, "HOH-LEE SHEEEEIT!!!" Well, there wasn't anyway I could avoid it, so I went out through the garage into the backyard and there they stood, the whole damn bunch of them, except for Buford who was throwing up Iron City and pork fat down his bib overalls over by the smoking hedge. They were staring at an image that Paw's last fart had scorched onto the siding with their mouths hanging open. I stepped back and looked and my first thought was, "Well this ain't gonna' clean off too good and Karen will be really pissed." But when I started to say something Cletus stopped me and I noticed that the look on all of their faces was almost reverent. Paw was standing with his mouth agape and the others seemed awestruck as well, so I looked again.

Cletus turned to me and said, "Doncha seez it Catspaw? Its rite thar!!! Paw done farted Jerry Falwell out his ass!!!" Well, I kinda' had to admit, it DID resemble him in the flickering light of the burning porker on the spit, but I was too much in fear of what the morning would bring from Karen to say anymore than tell them to get some sleep. Problem was, they didn't. I went back inside, the group outside quieted down, and I nodded off before I could get the 800 number for the "501 All-Time Polka Greats" by Myron Kopetz and the Nose Flute Kings.

What I didn't know was that the group had gone off and gotten Pastor Sharphorn, his wife, the Ladies Auxillary, and the Deacons, from the "Church of Evangelical Brethren and Tongue Talking Mohunkers" and they arrived for a look-see about sun-up. When I woke up to the commotion outside it was about 6 AM I guess. The sight that confronted me was reasonably bizarre. At least 150 people were assembled in the backyard and I could see more coming down the alley. A small altar had been erected out of the remains of my stockade fence which was now on the ground, the crowd overflowing into my neighbor's backyard and trampling his stupid-ass garden gnomes into powder....it was the only high spot of the day. Those kneeling at the altar would place small plastic Madonnas and Jesus statuary at the foot of the garage wall and say a little prayer and move on to the donation box that Cletus was guarding. It was then that I noticed that everyone donating more than $25.00 was getting a "Holy Relic" to commemorate their visit to this newest religious icon which had previously only sheltered my vehicles and assorted cans of dried out wax and rubbing compound.

There, perched upon a throne-like affair that I noticed had been assembled from our porch furniture, was Paw. As each person gave his donation, Buford would cut a small piece from Paw's overalls and hand it to them. For $50. they got a piece from the seat, and for $500. a snippet from the flap of his longjohns. It was a kind of poor man's "Shroud of Turin" I guess. Business must have been good since Paw was missing one entire leg of his bibs and he was about bareassed already. I was dumbfounded and I was just considering how to set this up as an infomercial and start booking tours when the County Sheriff showed up and ran everybody off. Then he proceeded to fine me for 19 different offenses and gave me a summons to appear in court for destruction of my neighbors property.

I was able to head off Cletus and the money, which covered almost all of the fines and my neighbor's friggin' gnomes, but it cost another 50 bucks to get rid of the Falwell image. Now if I could just get shed of the real one for the same price.......................Anyway, I haven't been able to figure out how that happened and I suppose it is one of those things best left unexplained. I've always thought that Falwell was talking out his ass, but I never figured you could blow him out your ass as well, but Paw's a really religious ol' coot so I guess you just never know. Really, I think Cletus had it right with his first two words, "Holy Shit!!"

The Sheriff suggested that they "get out of the county" at least for awhile and they left this morning for a festival in either Alabama or Mississippi where they had a contract for the porta-potty business they have been trying to run called "Crappers on Casters." I'm off now to have a chat with the SPCA about the squirrel.

**********************************************************************

So never be ashamed of the gas, er, uh......winds.........yeah, anyway......Revel in the joyousness of an air biscuit well launched!

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Got the wind something terrible
From: ClaireBear
Date: 24 Aug 08 - 02:58 PM

Only one thing works...lots and lots of Jell-O.

Subject: RE: BS: Got the wind something terrible
From: Don Firth
Date: 24 Aug 08 - 02:07 PM

Um . . . you oculd have "Goodyear" tattooed to your sides and just drift around a bit. . . .

Clicky

Don Firth

Subject: RE: BS: Got the wind something terrible
From: Rasener
Date: 24 Aug 08 - 02:04 PM

Well I have had mushy peas and Cauliflower tonight, so I might be like you tomorrow.
On second thoughts, it might be tonight.

This song is very appropriate

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=FRkgq4QTR9Q

Subject: RE: BS: Got the wind something terrible
From: open mike
Date: 24 Aug 08 - 01:53 PM

they call the wind mariah....

Subject: RE: BS: Got the wind something terrible
From: olddude
Date: 24 Aug 08 - 01:43 PM

Lizzie
priceless !

Subject: RE: BS: Got the wind something terrible
From: Lizzie Cornish 1
Date: 24 Aug 08 - 01:15 PM

You made me laugh so much Dan, that I made you a special cake

Subject: RE: BS: Got the wind something terrible
From: GUEST,Jack the Sailor
Date: 24 Aug 08 - 12:52 PM

Jumpin jack flash and its just my gas?

Subject: RE: BS: Got the wind something terrible
From: Megan L
Date: 24 Aug 08 - 12:45 PM

he he chew some charcoal then if ye light that fag _ _ _ oops ah'll get ma coat.

Subject: RE: BS: Got the wind something terrible
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 24 Aug 08 - 12:42 PM

It'll work itself out. Drink lots of fluids to help.

Subject: BS: Got the wind something terrible
From: olddude
Date: 24 Aug 08 - 12:40 PM

Perhaps it was the burned weenies from my grill disaster,
could be the cold pizza, the warm beer or the combo of all three!

Whatever the case, gave me the "wind" something terrible, I can't stand myself, my eyes are burning my little dog won't come over to me and my wife exiled me to the back porch. I fear if it gets any worse I will float off into the air and land somewhere in Canada. (Bruce have the beer ready)

Since I am outside with my guitar, maybe you can suggest some appropriate music to my problem. "Blowin in the Wind is a gimme so we have to do better than that"

Also, rolaids, tums, and gasX don't work. Any home remedies? I would like sometime today to go back into my house. I was going to light up a cig but I fear I could blow up and take out most of the neighborhood