Daft instructions

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: JohnInKansas
Date: 05 Feb 12 - 08:40 PM

Headline seen at MSNBC a few minutes ago:

"Europe tries to shield homeless in deep freeze"

At first sight, that seemed a strange place to put people to take care of them, but it has been suggested that walk-in freezers may offer pretty good protection in earthquakes, and Indiana Jones survived a nuclear test blast in one of his movies by hiding in a refrigerator ... ... (?)

I'll have to think about it.

John

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: Bainbo
Date: 02 Feb 12 - 08:48 AM

Just arrived today:

Hello, thanks for choosing our wireless router.

So you see what kind of a router it is? It's wireless.

With this guide we'll take you through setting it up. Don't let all the wires intimidate you ...

Well, it made me laugh. Mind, I haven't started setting it up yet. We'll see if I'm still laughing in an hour or so.

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: Black belt caterpillar wrestler
Date: 02 Feb 12 - 07:59 AM

We used to have fire extinguishers at school that had the instruction "Turn upside down and strike knob on floor".

I ask you, expect that not to cause laughter in a school?

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: GUEST,999
Date: 01 Feb 12 - 01:52 PM

"Following a particularly critical inspection of the trenches by General Shute, an officer of the division, Sub-Lieutenant A. P. Herbert, later to become a famous humorous writer, legal satirist and Member of Parliament, penned a popular poem that summed up the feelings of the men of the RND[3]:

The General inspecting the trenches
Exclaimed with a horrified shout
'I refuse to command a division
Which leaves its excreta about.'

But nobody took any notice
No one was prepared to refute,
That the presence of shit was congenial
Compared to the presence of Shute.

And certain responsible critics
Made haste to reply to his words
Observing that his staff advisors
Consisted entirely of turds.

For shit may be shot at odd corners
And paper supplied there to suit,
But a shit would be shot without mourners
If somebody shot that shit Shute."

From Wikipedia

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: Mr Happy
Date: 01 Feb 12 - 04:15 AM

Royal Artillery?

Is that the famous Royal Arse Hortillery?

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: GUEST,olddude
Date: 31 Jan 12 - 10:26 PM

Newport
LOL so true ... mind is going along with other parts of me

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: Don(Wyziwyg)T
Date: 31 Jan 12 - 09:33 PM

Extract from a wartime Royal Artillery gunnery manual.

Amendments:

Page 141 Para 4 sub Para b) For shit, read shot.

Don T.

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: Michael
Date: 31 Jan 12 - 03:03 PM

Well I'd serve any of 'em.

Mike

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: Newport Boy
Date: 31 Jan 12 - 02:58 PM

Oldude - your memory is failing badly. Two years ago you could remember the exact year - now you can only manage the decade!

Phil

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: gnu
Date: 31 Jan 12 - 02:14 PM

Hehehee... good one Happy!

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: Mr Happy
Date: 31 Jan 12 - 12:20 PM

What about those ads for cars with girlys draped all over - a serving suggestion?

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: GUEST,olddude
Date: 31 Jan 12 - 12:19 PM

In the early 80's I was installing an operating system on a big mainframe computer. Reading the instructions it said "You are now ready to key in the following command" so i did, then I turned the page of the instruction manual and it said "key in only when you see the following message or chaos will ensue" and boy it did had to do the whole thing over again , took all night long ...

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 31 Jan 12 - 12:11 PM

Some of those warnings and disclaimers are mandated by law, and so the manufacturers dare not deviate from the prescribed wording, even if it seems silly under the circumstances.

For example, the law says that if there is a picture on the package, and the picture includes some kind of food that isn't actually in the package, the picture must be labeled "SERVING SUGGESTION." For example, on a cereal box, if the picture shows cereal with milk, and there is no milk in the package. That seems silly—who would expect to find milk in a cereal box? Or who needs to be told to put milk on their cereal?

But suppose the picture showed cereal with raisins, and there weren't any raisins—you'd feel cheated, wouldn't you? That's the kind of situation the law was meant for.

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 31 Jan 12 - 08:42 AM

The 'keep away from children' instruction came early on. But I once met a woman who said she had bought a bottle saying ~

"Keep away from children. Do not drink."

She considered the second injunction would be easier to obey if she could find some way of encompassing the first.

~M~

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: Mr Happy
Date: 31 Jan 12 - 08:20 AM

On a jar of pickled eggs, 'Allergy advice: Contains eggs'

Can't be clearer than that!

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: olddude
Date: 27 Jan 10 - 04:53 PM

In 1982 I was installing a very complex piece of software on a mainframe. Following the instructions by the letter. I got to the bottom of the page and it read, you are now ready to enter the following command. I entered the command and turned the page. It continued ... but don't enter the command until you receive the following message otherwise "chaos will ensure"

and it did ...

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: GUEST,999
Date: 26 Jan 10 - 05:38 PM

On a bag of salted peanuts:

WARNING: This product may have come in contact with peanuts.

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: GUEST,coyote breathy
Date: 26 Jan 10 - 02:38 PM

Double negative reminds me of the following sign commonly found on Missouri's back roads:

"No passing zones unmarked"

In a similar vein I have yet to find a "Dead End" sign anywhere near the entrance to the road so noted, usually its about a half mile into the road.

and "Road not thru" is another common Missouri sign.

"Men in Trees" is an actual road sign, not just a funny sitcom.

CB

"Bear Left"

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: GUEST,Coyote, still breathing
Date: 26 Jan 10 - 02:20 PM

I just received my Missouri Tax booklet for 2009. When figuring the amount of tax you are to pay you are instructed to turn to page 26 of "this booklet". But there is no page 26!
The pages stop at 12 then there are forms galore, then the page numbering starts again at page 33. So I counted the actual pages, folio and verso and at 26 I found the tax rate chart!

It turns out that the formula for figuring ones taxes hasn't changed since 1930! So I guess fumbling around looking for the rate chart is a small price to pay for a truly antiquated system for figuring what I owe!? The table only goes to $9,000! After that amount one then applies 6% to the remainder over $9000, adds that to the amount of tax for the first $9,000 and that is what one owes.

I'm going to plead confusion.

CB

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: GRex
Date: 26 Jan 10 - 01:18 PM

Seen on a vending madhine in a pub toilet:
            

          This machine will not vend when empty

               GRex

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: Mr Happy
Date: 26 Jan 10 - 09:40 AM

......a double negative?!?

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 26 Jan 10 - 09:30 AM

And ' NO SMOKING DOGS NOT ALLOWED.'

Dave H

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: Don Firth
Date: 25 Jan 10 - 06:01 PM

Back in the late 1950s, almost all of the classrooms in the University of Washington School of Music building had a record player in them for obvious reasons. The instructions for use were pasted under the lid. The first instruction was, "Lift lid."

A photographer friend of mine liked to take photos of various odds and ends, then sequence them so they told a story of sorts. One was of a series of street signs, which he sequenced as follows:

One Way
No Left Turn
No Right Turn
No U-Turn
Dead End

He got another good one. Normally the sign read:

DANGER ZONE
IMPOUND PARKED CARS

Some wiseguy had scratched out some of the letters, so it now read:

   ANGER ZONE
I POUND PARKED CARS

Don Firth

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 25 Jan 10 - 10:56 AM

On a place I used to deliver mail a few years ago was thgat sign, ' THIS DOOR IS ALARMED ' some graffiti artist added, ' and the windows are quite nervous '

Dave H

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: Mr Happy
Date: 25 Jan 10 - 10:48 AM

Dave,

Don't go there!!

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: Dave MacKenzie
Date: 25 Jan 10 - 10:19 AM

I've just been browsing Jones (of Flint) Holidays' brochure, and there are some amazing bargains for accommodation. For instance, at the Lion Hotel, Criccieth, "All bedrooms have full facilities, TV, tea making facilities, lift, two bars, lounge, dance floor, entertainment"!

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: Mr Happy
Date: 25 Jan 10 - 08:38 AM

..........seen on the entrance to electricity substation

'THIS DOOR IS ALARMED!' - all of a tremble??

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: Rasener
Date: 07 Nov 09 - 04:53 PM

Don't know if this one has cropped up, too many posts to go back on.

I was waiting patiently at the crossroad today. Traffic lights red.
The sign for the people waiting to cross said.

Only CROSS with green figure (it used to be Green Man (probably a bit sexist))

So I looked for this green figure, but couldn't see it. Must have been on strike.

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: Joybell
Date: 07 Nov 09 - 04:30 PM

In 1996 we were in a Greyhound bus heading across Texas. In the South-West the messages, given by the driver, were in Spanish as well as English -- usually. Our driver was an exception.
As the sky went black and the wind sprang up he gave us this warning:
"We've got a tornado warning. When I tell you -- get under the seats and stay away from the windows. If you didn't understand that -- ask another passenger to translate it for you."
Que?

Cheers, Joy

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: SPB-Cooperator
Date: 07 Nov 09 - 04:56 AM

Instructions on a door at Ealing Broadway Station

Push to operate


Pull to operate


There is/was a sign at the car park at Morrisons in Acton, referring to it as a Development.

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: Tangledwood
Date: 06 Nov 09 - 05:24 PM

That reminded me - at Warwick folk festival a couple of years ago I noticed a wooden seat on the cricket ground with a hand written sign on the back. As I was going roughly in that direction I made the slight detour to read it - "Keep off the grass".

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: Tug the Cox
Date: 06 Nov 09 - 08:07 AM

In ther middle of a grass area stood a signpost which bore this legend

'Don't throw stones at this sign'

See
http://m.clipmarks.com/clipmark/108B4338-B4CD-48A5-AAE3-A06F08B159E8/

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: Mr Happy
Date: 06 Nov 09 - 07:42 AM

.........hmmm, but perusing that article further reveals this:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:CinaExportLogo.png


'Some products are said to have a CE mark that stands for China Export, which is not conforming to European specifications. The two letters are close together, not spaced as in the European conformance mark. [3]



However, the "China Export" mark doesn't exist. Some products may be conforming but not displaying the logotype correctly and others may illegally put the correct mark on a non-conforming item.[4]'

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: Mr Happy
Date: 06 Nov 09 - 07:37 AM

Also, a lot've products, especially electrical items are marked with CE & for some time, I thought whimsicaly that it might refer to the place of origin, i.e. 'Chinese Empire'!

However, the explanation's here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/CE_mark

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: Mr Happy
Date: 06 Nov 09 - 07:29 AM

Slag mentioned the Chinese-English debacle.

Years back, I bought a tree cutting saw.

The wrapper said 'MADE IN CHIAN'!!

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: GUEST
Date: 06 Nov 09 - 06:33 AM

gnu, sorry to contradict but:- Acts 2 "And suddenly there came a sound from heaven as of a rushing mighty wind, and it filled all the house where they were sitting."

Cheers
Mike

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: Dave MacKenzie
Date: 05 Nov 09 - 02:53 PM

ICL used to issue packs of punched cards to update the George 3 Operating system. There was always a header card saying

DO NOT FEED THIS CARD

We didn't, though I sometimes felt guilty when the tea trolley came round!

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: Slag
Date: 05 Nov 09 - 02:04 PM

You could bet dollars to do-nuts that lawyers and law suits are behind most of these warning lables. As for daft instructions, I've seen some real doozies which are translations from Chinese to English (undoubtedly from a Chinese prison or perhaps from a farmer promoted to the position due to the "Cultural Revolution").

Rube Goldberg lives!

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: gnu
Date: 04 Nov 09 - 06:23 PM

Michael...nobody farts in church. Well, maybe up front.

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: Bill D
Date: 04 Nov 09 - 01:23 PM

I can even WRITE instructions like those:

"If these instructions are not in your native language, write to us and we will translate them."

"Ignore all parts of these instructions which are not relevant."

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: Michael
Date: 04 Nov 09 - 07:40 AM

What I don't understand, gnu, is why you are required to take your hat off first, do they assume you're in church?

Mike

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: JohnInKansas
Date: 03 Nov 09 - 11:09 PM

Akin to Joe F's Eastman instructions, an external IOMEGA ZIP drive came with the instruction:

"Consult the Installation and Operating Manual on the ZIP disk enclosed with the drive before beginning installation."

It turns out that if you connected the drive before installing the driver, the then-current Windows installed a default driver that totally f***d your new drive; but the only place to get the driver was also from the ZIP disk.

(This was before most of us had an internet from which we could download helpful stuff.)

- - - - -

Having recently moved, I've received a few "confirmation of change of address" letters.

About half of them have been sent to the NEW address, so that - quite obviously - someone who submitted a fraudulent change for me would receive the confirmation letter, and be able to "confirm" the fraud.

Half of those who sent the confirmation letter to the new address informed me that "if this change is correct no action is required." I suppose it's foolish to assume that if the new address wasn't correct (in which cae I would never receive the letter) I probably would take no action(?).

John

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: gnu
Date: 03 Nov 09 - 01:28 PM

Edited.......

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: GUEST,Dave the cookieless (at the mo) Gnome - PM
Date: 02 Aug 01 - 06:29 PM

Best one is the old instructions on a famous deodorant (sp?) - Remove lid and push up bottom....;-)

*****************************************************************

I tried a new deodorant today. The instructions said, "Remove cap and push up bottom." I can barely walk, but when I fart, it smells great.

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: GUEST
Date: 03 Nov 09 - 12:41 PM

I like the one on various cash/card machines "Enter PIN, if correct press ENTER" as all you get is a row of asterisks it's impossible to tell if it's correct.

Mike

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: Anne Lister
Date: 03 Nov 09 - 03:52 AM

We had some excellent instructions with our wedding cake, one of which suggested we cut it with a knife. Not sure what the alternatives would have been - possibly issuing three guests with one tier each to eat like a burger?

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: CarolC
Date: 03 Nov 09 - 01:45 AM

This thread wasn't closed because it wasn't initially designated as a BS thread, and went into the music section by default. I think it dates back to the time before there was such a thing as a BS designation.

That's right. I should have thought of that. Especially considering I pointed out something similar to someone else just yesterday. Maybe I've got the mad cow disease.

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: Joe_F
Date: 02 Nov 09 - 06:26 PM

"If salted, contains salt"

*

Back in the '60s, the office I worked in bought a microfilm reader. We opened the carton, gingerly hefted various parts out of it, including some massive pieces of glass, and laid them on the table. At the bottom of the box was a sheet headed "Instructions for Unpacking". The first instruction was to turn the carton upside down and open the bottom. That was from Eastman Kodak!

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: fat B****rd
Date: 02 Nov 09 - 03:14 PM

I used to work for a firm whose pay packets bore the instruction 'Always check wages before opening envelope'

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: Gurney
Date: 02 Nov 09 - 03:01 PM

We have a set of wooden kitchen chairs, made in England, bearing the fatuous label, 'Warning. Careless use of matches may set fire to this furniture.'
I always wondered why they made matchsticks of that wooden stuff.

The instructions with the electric kettle. 'Do not use near water. Not to be used by unqualified persons.'
I phoned them, but they wouldn't come and make me a cup of tea.

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: CarolC
Date: 02 Nov 09 - 02:29 PM

Really? One of the moderators (I seem to remember Joe Offer, but I could be wrong) said that they are, and a lot of them do seem to be. This is confusing.

---

BS threads are automatically closed when they have been inactive for a certain length of time. Moderators can open or close threads manually, and change the designation to BS or not-BS. Changing the designation doesn't automatically change the thread title. Adding or removing the "BS:" prefix in the thread title is optional, and the moderators usually leave it alone. (Some people are offended by having their thread title changed to BS.)

This thread wasn't closed because it wasn't initially designated as a BS thread, and went into the music section by default. I think it dates back to the time before there was such a thing as a BS designation.

Some moderator apparently changed the designation to BS (as they should) after the thread was refreshed.

—JoeClone, 2-Nov-2009.

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: Big Mick
Date: 02 Nov 09 - 02:04 PM

No they aren't.

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: CarolC
Date: 02 Nov 09 - 11:39 AM

What I'm wondering is how Mr. Happy was able to do it. Most old non-music threads like this one are now closed.

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: CarolC
Date: 02 Nov 09 - 11:36 AM

LR Mole was the last person to post to it before it was recently refreshed. He passed away in December of 2001 (Happy Birthday, Mr. Mole).

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: Arnie
Date: 02 Nov 09 - 10:45 AM

This thread is so old that I've just read it and didn't immediately realise it was one of mine! Gosh - August 2001, my daughter was still living at home and into camping - seems like a lifetime ago. It's a sort of zombie thread, returning from the dead after 8 yrs - what prompted Mr Happy to resurrect it I wonder??

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: GUEST,NIckp cookieless
Date: 02 Nov 09 - 10:27 AM

Sit on a hot stove and stir frequently

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: s&r
Date: 02 Nov 09 - 05:46 AM

The intentionally blank page is used in examinations to assure thecandidate that the page is not blank due to a printing error

Stu

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: Bryn Pugh
Date: 02 Nov 09 - 05:39 AM

At risk of thread drift - I have posed in another thread

"For all the good those suppsotories did me, I migh just as well have shoved 'em up my arse".

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: Bonnie Shaljean
Date: 02 Nov 09 - 05:38 AM

My favourite was the promise I saw emblazoned on a can of insect spray: "Kills with permanent and long-lasting death."

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: Slag
Date: 02 Nov 09 - 05:30 AM

Wasn't it "This page intentionally left blank." And, of course, it was perhaps INTENDED to be left blank but now it has writing on it.

Now appearing on Rx bottles everywhere "Take by mouth". Wow! consider the possibilities! "Uh, Doctor, I took the medicine and it didn't do anything to help my condition. In fact I'm worse. Now I can barely hear a thing! What's that you say? Eh? Oh, no I stuck them in my ears."

And it could have been worse!

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: CarolC
Date: 02 Nov 09 - 03:37 AM

It was upstairs because it was started in 2001, before there was a BS section, so when it was refreshed, it automatically went up top.

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: manitas_at_work
Date: 02 Nov 09 - 02:31 AM

Doesn't this thread pre-date the BS split?

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 01 Nov 09 - 03:25 PM

Oh - and the last bit could make it into a music thread. It was from Mike Canavan - "The easiest thing in all the world is to do what you are told"

D.

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 01 Nov 09 - 03:23 PM

Open tin and stand in boiling water for 30 minutes. My feet were sore for weeks.

But I am told I should not take these things too literealy. An old lady asked me if I could see her across the road the other day. So I crossed over, came back and said "Yes, I can see you fine thanks."

:D (eG)

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: GUEST
Date: 01 Nov 09 - 02:30 PM

My first computer, which had it's ups and downs, once gave me this message;
Keyboard not detected, press any key to continue!

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: Acorn4
Date: 01 Nov 09 - 01:13 PM

We were forced to be in the CCF at school and had to do a bit of army training. There was an excerpt from a manual on judging distances which went something like:-

"Take a point which is approximately half way to the point to which you want to estimate the distance.

Estimate the distance to that point and double it!"

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: Mavis Enderby
Date: 01 Nov 09 - 12:35 PM

On a packet of noodles:

"Cook until done"

Can't argue with that!

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: Bat Goddess
Date: 01 Nov 09 - 10:56 AM

After hearing in "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy about the instructions on a packet of toothpicks (I think that's where I read it), I checked a few of the Read Before Using notes on items where one would think them unnecessary. I found on a packet of wet wipes/naps, "Tear open packet, remove wet nap, unfold and use." Right, not particularly effective if you don't take it out of the container.

When I had a tubal ligation in the '80s, one of the multitude of legal papers I had to sign was one warning me that the procedure might possibly make me sterile. I said to the nurse, "If it DOESN'T, my surgeon gets sued!)

Linn

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: Rasener
Date: 01 Nov 09 - 10:44 AM

LOL

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: RTim
Date: 01 Nov 09 - 10:44 AM

This Page is blank

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: GUEST,Peter Laban
Date: 01 Nov 09 - 09:37 AM

At a camp site: 'Every erection on this site must be reported to the warden'

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: Rasener
Date: 01 Nov 09 - 09:33 AM

LOL Just reading instructions for attending hospital.

Do not wear any make up, or nail polish on your fingers and toes.

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 01 Nov 09 - 09:17 AM

I used to like the one on a jampot: "To open, pierce with a pin; then push off".

[I too have been wondering why this is a musical thread — but I suppose it's all folklore of a sort.]

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: Rog Peek
Date: 01 Nov 09 - 08:58 AM

Mr. Happy, I suppose it's because someone forgot to read the instruction!

Rog

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: Young Buchan
Date: 01 Nov 09 - 08:46 AM

There used to be a computer called an Archimedes. They were nice little educational machines aimed at schools. I guess they had a couple of Mgs memory, and were used mainly for word processing/DTP.

The instruction book used to carry the warning: This machine should not be used as part of a life support system.

The terrifying thing is the early instruction books didn't carry the warning. So presumably it was added because ....!

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: Suegorgeous
Date: 31 Oct 09 - 10:17 PM

Umm, wasn't! :0 :)

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: Leadfingers
Date: 31 Oct 09 - 09:55 PM

DONT imply ANY criticism of the way this site works !!

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: Suegorgeous
Date: 31 Oct 09 - 09:44 PM

Umm, yes it is!

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: Mr Happy
Date: 31 Oct 09 - 09:14 PM

Why is this under the music threads?

Its not under the music threads

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: Q (Frank Staplin)
Date: 31 Oct 09 - 09:11 PM

On an old one on this renewed thread, from Kendall-

"On a bottle of tub and tile cleaner for bathrooms, use only in a well-vented place. If the bathroom was well-vented, one wouldn't have mildew or mould in the first place."

Obviously Kendall has never lived in the steamy south or the tropics!

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: Suegorgeous
Date: 31 Oct 09 - 09:10 PM

Why is this under the music threads?

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: Mr Happy
Date: 31 Oct 09 - 08:57 PM

On a seed packet, 'when seedlings are 2 inches high, stand outside for a few days'


.......on a box of matches, 'KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN!' - sound advice!

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: LR Mole
Date: 03 Aug 01 - 08:45 AM

Oop--off we go into headlines:THUGS EAT,THEN ROB,PROPRIETOR...

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: Michael in Swansea
Date: 03 Aug 01 - 07:52 AM

On a chainsaw box "Do not attempt to stop rotating blade with genitals"

Mike

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: kendall
Date: 03 Aug 01 - 06:56 AM

On a bottle of tub & tile cleaner, for bathrooms, use only in a well ventilated area. If the bathroom was well vented, you wouldn't have mould or milldew in the first place.

on a plastic wheelbarrow...do not use in temperatures above 150 degrees.

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: Ringer
Date: 03 Aug 01 - 05:36 AM

Dave the Gnome's post above reminds me of that celebrated wartime headline: "BRITISH PUSH BOTTLES UP GERMANS".

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: GUEST,Geordie
Date: 02 Aug 01 - 11:20 PM

on a bathing suit..."dry clean only"!

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: GUEST,khandu
Date: 02 Aug 01 - 06:56 PM

Recently seen on a soft drink bottle (Maybe Snapple),

"Chill, Remove cap, Drink, repeat steps 1-3 if necessary."

khandu

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: Bert
Date: 02 Aug 01 - 06:51 PM

Seen on a barbecue grill

Lighting instructions
  1. Read instructions before lighting.

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: GUEST,Dave the cookieless (at the mo) Gnome
Date: 02 Aug 01 - 06:29 PM

Seen this very evening on a sachet of Sainsbury's Carbonara sauce - Cut packet open part way and stand upright in the microwave.

Who else but a Gnome could do that????

Best one is the old instructions on a famous deodorent (sp?) - Remove lid and push up bottom....;-)

Cheers

DtG

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 02 Aug 01 - 05:35 PM

And 'warning, may cause drowsiness' on the bottle of sleeping pills I got for myself, for my daughter's teething pain.....

LTS

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 02 Aug 01 - 05:34 PM

I like the warning 'do not drive or operate heavy machinery' printed on the bottle of children's paracetamol (Calpol) I was recommended for my daughter's teething pain! Does a plastic hammer count as 'heavy machinery'?

LTS

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: Arnie
Date: 02 Aug 01 - 04:25 PM

then there's the old favourite "Warning - this product may contain peanut" - printed on an airline pack of peanuts!!

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: pavane
Date: 02 Aug 01 - 04:22 PM

New Scientist ran these for weeks (or months). 'Caution may be hot when heated' and so on.

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: Micca
Date: 02 Aug 01 - 04:01 PM

I've always liked the Instructions on a bottle of Shampoo years ago
" carefully pour a lttle shampoo into the palm of each hand...!!!!"

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: JohnInKansas
Date: 02 Aug 01 - 04:00 PM

Arnie: Many years ago, at one of my first trips to the Walnut Valley Festival - greatest campground pickin' ever - a couple of boys from Texas made the trip ('bout 600 miles). They got there with their gitars and their tent. Forgot the tent poles.

They proved you can sleep in a tent without an erection.

Seemed to have a good time too.

John

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: radriano
Date: 02 Aug 01 - 03:55 PM

Seen on a bag of Fritos corn chips:

Enter the contest. No purchase necessary. Details inside.

Subject: Daft instructions
From: Arnie
Date: 02 Aug 01 - 03:49 PM

I thought I'd seen some stupid instructions in my time but yesterday I read a prize winner!! My daughter was trying to put up a new tent, and having a few problems. Working on the old premise that 'when all else fails, read the instructions', I had a look at the little book that came with it. The first line read "Ensure you erect tent before using it"!!! I kid you not - I just had this vision of some hapless sod trying to wriggle into the tent without erecting it first and wondering why there was so little room inside!