BS: Wanker's Register

Subject: RE: BS: Wanker's Register
From: The Shambles
Date: 28 Dec 05 - 06:09 AM

I'll drink to that - make mine a Hand-Shandy.

Subject: RE: BS: Wanker's Register
From: GUEST,Art Thieme
Date: 24 Dec 05 - 06:37 PM

A friend of mine had a transplant, but his hand rjected it!

Subject: RE: BS: Wanker's Register
From: Peace
Date: 24 Dec 05 - 06:31 PM

Gawd, would that Bush's dad had been a wanker.

Subject: RE: BS: Wanker's Register
From: GUEST,Art
Date: 24 Dec 05 - 06:25 PM

One in the hand is worth two of George Bush !!!

Subject: RE: BS: Wanker's Register
From: Shanghaiceltic
Date: 24 Dec 05 - 06:01 PM

'Wot a bunch of oil tankers!'

Seagull rhyming slang.

Subject: RE: BS: Wanker's Register
From: gnu
Date: 24 Dec 05 - 05:53 PM

Goodness gracious... semantics... sementics? Wank? Diddle? Walk the pup? Row the boat..........

Why does every discussion in this forum, no matter how juvenile, turn into a pedantic wrestling match? This is not an intelligent conversation. It's a laugh at the human condition.

I just checked in to see what condition my condition was in.

Okay, I must be off.

Subject: RE: BS: Wanker's Register
From: The Shambles
Date: 24 Dec 05 - 05:47 PM

Wanker

Term of abuse for a masturbator.

Quite a lot of men also would not like to consider themselves as a wanker.

Subject: RE: BS: Wanker's Register
From: wysiwyg
Date: 24 Dec 05 - 05:40 PM

...Get sexual gratification through self-stimulation...

Mm hmmm..... yes, women may also do this..... still, I never met one who referred to it as "wanking" .... nor one who considered herself a "wanker" .... nor one who was referred to by that name. I would submit: "wanking" is a word for men, not women.

~S~

Subject: RE: BS: Wanker's Register
From: The Shambles
Date: 24 Dec 05 - 03:19 PM

WordWeb gives
Wanking:
Get sexual gratification through self-stimulation

The activity does not seem to be limited to those with 'meat and two veg'.

Subject: RE: BS: Wanker's Register
From: The Shambles
Date: 24 Dec 05 - 03:04 PM

Posting to it more than once or repeatedly posting to it is confirming a real problem....*Smiles*

And will you please stop posting with this tiny writing...........

Subject: RE: BS: Wanker's Register
From: gnu
Date: 24 Dec 05 - 03:01 PM

Susan... equipment is not a necessity. A nicety, perhaps.

Subject: Add: I Gave Up Wanking
From: wysiwyg
Date: 24 Dec 05 - 02:40 PM

I Gave Up Wanking
Artist - Kevin Bloody Wilson
Submitted by: Russell Edwards ([e-mail])

[D]I give wanking this morning
[G]I never thought that I [D]could
[G]I'm feelin' better [D]already
And this time I'm [A]off it for [D]good

[D]When I first wanked, I's though I's so clever
And [G]all of me mates, they were [D]mugs
[G]Thought I was the first
[D]Bloke here on Earth
[E]Who'd ever played with his [A]slug

[D]It was me own little secret
And [G]I never told any[D]one
And the [G]feelin' I got
The [D]first time I shot
Was like chooks flyin' [A]out o' me [D]bum

I'm [D]givin' up wanking...tomorrow
[G]I never thought that I [D]could
[G]Then I won't get these bad [D]headaches
And then I'll be [A]off it for [D]good

I've [D]wanked in some unlikely places
The [G]shower, the beach and the [D]pool
A [G]dunny, a tram and the [D]pictures
And [E]biology classes at [A]school

And [D]once me grandmother caught me
[G]Wankin' meself in me [D]room
But [G]to her surprise
I [D]just shut me eyes
And imagined her [A]standin' there [D]nude

I'm [D]givin' up wanking...Tuesday
[G]I never thought that I [D]could
And [G]then I won't skwint like I [D]do now
And then I'll be [A]off it for [D]good

Me [D]Dad says it's gonna take willpower
There [G]really is no easy [D]trick
I [G]honestly thought I'd need [D]surgery
To [E]help get me hand off me [A]dick

Me [D]Dad's been a great inspiration
He [G]really has been a great [D]help
He [G]knows what I go through
And [D]just what to do
'Cause he give it up [A]yesterd' him[D]self

So [D]I'm givin' up wanking next Frid'
[G]I never thought that I [D]could
And [G]I'll throw away me thick [D]glasses
And then I'll be [A]off it for [D]good

So if you [D]say you don't wank, you're a liar
And a [G]fool if you say that you [D]do
So [G]next time you see, Prince [D]Charles on TV
Remember he [A]wanks himself [D]too

So [D]I'm givin' up wanking come Christmas
[G]I never thought that I [D]could
And [G]I'll sell me dog and me [D]white cane
And then I'll be [A]off it for [D]good
And [G]I'll throw away me dark [D]glasses
And then I'll be [A]off it for [D]good

[D] [G] [A] [D]

Subject: RE: BS: Wanker's Register
From: Bob the Postman
Date: 24 Dec 05 - 12:22 PM

I gave up wanking this morning.

Subject: RE: BS: Wanker's Register
From: David C. Carter
Date: 24 Dec 05 - 11:50 AM

Baden Powel in "Scouting for Boys"also says that, the best way to start the day,is to have a good"Rear",it gets worse.

Subject: RE: BS: Wanker's Register
From: Micca
Date: 24 Dec 05 - 09:49 AM

Somewhere in the house I have a copy of the Baden Powell 1920s handbook for the Scouts called (I kid you not)" Scouting for Boys" complete with the chapter warning about the terrible effects of "Beastliness" (as it calls wanking)It causes Headaches and a general deterioriation in Health according to B-P and leads to degeneracy and dissipation.. well worth reading if you can find a copy and you can See here for more info

Subject: RE: BS: Wanker's Register
From: wysiwyg
Date: 24 Dec 05 - 09:19 AM

Susan any post to this thread is automatically registering the poster as a wanker.

Changing the rules as you go on, Shambles? No such rule in the first post. Perhaps you'd like a JoeClone to insert it?

Additionally, I lack both the equipment and the necessity.

~Susan

Subject: RE: BS: Wanker's Register
From: The Shambles
Date: 24 Dec 05 - 04:35 AM

So... we can register other people, right?

When you do to others - it is not quite the same thing - or so I have heard.

Susan any post to this thread is automatically registering the poster as a wanker.

Posting to it more than once or repeatedly posting to it is confirming a real problem....*Smiles*

Subject: RE: BS: Wanker's Register
From: wysiwyg
Date: 23 Dec 05 - 10:47 PM

So... we can register other people, right?

~S~

Subject: RE: BS: Wanker's Register
From: GUEST,Joe_F
Date: 23 Dec 05 - 08:52 PM

There was once a young fellow named Rand,

Who sat seeing the sights in the sand.

"My problem", said he,

"Is as hard as can be,

But I think I can take it in hand."

--- Joe Fineman    [e-mail]

||: Blessed are they who expect nothing, for surely they shall not be disappointed. :||

Subject: RE: BS: Wanker's Register
From: Cluin
Date: 23 Dec 05 - 07:01 PM

Mark Tain on the subject.


If you want suggestions on technique, there's one I've heard of where you cut off the circulation in one arm until it goes numb... then you try and whack yer tacker with that hand. It's called "The Stranger".

Me, I'm still busy learning to appreciate the European Grip.

Subject: RE: BS: Wanker's Register
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 23 Dec 05 - 04:06 PM

Gnu:
That was, of course, a fair rendition of a commonly used contraction of a longer phrase. If you insist on it being quoted in full, then:
"Let us try to remember, and hopefully we will be successful in our attempt, and we will remember..."

The above could also be read as a bullshit attempt to wriggle out. But these comments are in the BS section.

CHEERS

Nigel

Subject: RE: BS: Wanker's Register
From: gnu
Date: 23 Dec 05 - 03:31 PM

Yes, of course. If was a pedantic website, you would be shot for "..try and remember...".

Subject: RE: BS: Wanker's Register
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 23 Dec 05 - 03:08 PM

Let's try and remember that this is a music site...


Wankers' register: From middle C upward for an octave and a half

CHEERS
Nigel

Subject: RE: BS: Wanker's Register
From: gnu
Date: 23 Dec 05 - 02:16 PM

Hey... you're not gonna leave me out here hangin are ya?

Subject: RE: BS: Wanker's Register
From: gnu
Date: 23 Dec 05 - 06:17 AM

Hmmm... why is it called MASSturbation... not mYssturbation?

Subject: RE: BS: Wanker's Register
From: gnu
Date: 23 Dec 05 - 06:15 AM

Celibate masturbation!

Subject: RE: BS: Wanker's Register
From: GUEST,Mingulay at work
Date: 23 Dec 05 - 04:13 AM

Actually, it can be classed as "self improvement". It is generally reckoned by those with an affinity to washing machines on the spin cycle that men cannot multi-task. With a lot of sffort and much practice I have managed to disprove this erronious assumption.

Yes folks, I am now able to turn magazine pages with my LEFT hand.

I think it's a triumph of mind over splatter!

Subject: RE: BS: Wanker's Register
From: GUEST,Cookieless Skivee
Date: 22 Dec 05 - 10:05 PM

Per comments above.

Sgt. Peppers Lonely Club

Subject: RE: BS: Wanker's Register
From: GUEST
Date: 22 Dec 05 - 09:54 PM

Go and make a donation to the fertility clinic and you get $50 from the Wank Bank

Subject: RE: BS: Wanker's Register
From: GUEST,Joe_F
Date: 22 Dec 05 - 09:08 PM

Wanking is fine, but fucking you can actually meet people.

--- Joe Fineman    [e-mail]

||: What's _done_ we partly may compute, But know not what's _resisted_. :||

Subject: RE: BS: Wanker's Register
From: The Shambles
Date: 22 Dec 05 - 08:15 PM

I really don't know too much about this subject but I do wish you would all use bigger writing...........

There are some interesting terms to describe the practice. My favourite is 'one-eyed piccolo playing'.

Another one is GUEST.

Subject: RE: BS: Wanker's Register
From: Lanfranc
Date: 22 Dec 05 - 07:35 PM

In my days in what is now referred to as the Financial Services Industry, it was generally considered that the collective noun for bankers was "a wunch of bankers".

A collective noun for masturbators? A hand? A grip? A bishopric(k)?

An old friend of mine always referred to multi-tracked recordings where most or all the instruments were played by one person as musical masturbation (his favourite example was Mike Oldfield's "Tubular Bells").

Pass me my old malaka cane, George, I'm sure he'll enjoy it!

Alan

Subject: RE: BS: Wanker's Register
From: Alaska Mike
Date: 22 Dec 05 - 06:57 PM

Father: "Stop that son, you'll go blind."

Son: "Dad, I'm over here.

Subject: RE: BS: Wanker's Register
From: GUEST
Date: 22 Dec 05 - 06:55 PM

Yeah, that's what makes you feel so at home, isn't it?

Subject: RE: BS: Wanker's Register
From: GUEST
Date: 22 Dec 05 - 06:54 PM

Same crew all the time.

Subject: RE: BS: Wanker's Register
From: mooman
Date: 22 Dec 05 - 06:53 PM

Lend a hand here!

Subject: RE: BS: Wanker's Register
From: Shanghaiceltic
Date: 22 Dec 05 - 06:48 PM

Only did it until I had to wear glasses....!

Subject: RE: BS: Wanker's Register
From: bobad
Date: 22 Dec 05 - 04:25 PM

Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love.
Woody Allen
Annie Hall

Subject: RE: BS: Wanker's Register
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 22 Dec 05 - 03:17 PM

Love Oh Love Oh Calloused Love!
G. ☻

Subject: RE: BS: Wanker's Register
From: gnu
Date: 22 Dec 05 - 03:14 PM

Jaysus!!! At least I'm trying. Don't see you lending a hand at all.

Subject: RE: BS: Wanker's Register
From: GUEST
Date: 22 Dec 05 - 03:11 PM

The wit here is unending.

Subject: RE: BS: Wanker's Register
From: gnu
Date: 22 Dec 05 - 03:08 PM

Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Hand.

Subject: RE: BS: Wanker's Register
From: GUEST
Date: 22 Dec 05 - 03:06 PM

Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band.

Subject: RE: BS: Wanker's Register
From: gnu
Date: 22 Dec 05 - 02:57 PM

Well, sometimes, ah, I, ah, use my left hand... feels like somebody else.

Subject: RE: BS: Wanker's Register
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 22 Dec 05 - 02:53 PM

Efkaristo poli,Giorgiou.
G.

Subject: RE: BS: Wanker's Register
From: GUEST
Date: 22 Dec 05 - 02:48 PM

There are only two kinds of liar; those who say they don't, and those who say they never did>

Subject: RE: BS: Wanker's Register
From: GUEST
Date: 22 Dec 05 - 02:41 PM

Roger will be the Wankers Register President no doubt.

Subject: RE: BS: Wanker's Register
From: GUEST,Mrs. Robinson
Date: 22 Dec 05 - 02:33 PM

You can say that again gnu.

Subject: RE: BS: Wanker's Register
From: gnu
Date: 22 Dec 05 - 02:30 PM

I spent a few nights with the Palm Sisters when I was a lad. Generally, men reach their sexual peak in their teens and women in their thirties. That's quite a fuckup if you ask me.

Subject: RE: BS: Wanker's Register
From: George Papavgeris
Date: 22 Dec 05 - 02:29 PM

"Malaka" (wanker) is both a term of abuse (sic) and endearment, the latter especially among male friends. It depends on context and who is talking to whom. So I feel very comfortable in calling Giok another such term of double meaning, as he knows what I mean:

I am honoured, pousti Giok! :-)

Subject: RE: BS: Wanker's Register
From: TheBigPinkLad
Date: 22 Dec 05 - 02:03 PM

Is it what you're awarded for the pithiest reply to a thread, George? ;o)

Subject: RE: BS: Wanker's Register
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 22 Dec 05 - 02:02 PM

Malakia
G ☺ ☺

Subject: RE: BS: Wanker's Register
From: George Papavgeris
Date: 22 Dec 05 - 01:35 PM

Should have been "apostrophe" - apostrophy means something totally different!

Subject: RE: BS: Wanker's Register
From: George Papavgeris
Date: 22 Dec 05 - 01:34 PM

"Rogers hand" needs no apostrophy if it is meant as a verb...

Subject: RE: BS: Wanker's Register
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 22 Dec 05 - 12:49 PM

This should be next to the 'Hand made gifts' thread!
G ☺☺

Subject: RE: BS: Wanker's Register
From: TheBigPinkLad
Date: 22 Dec 05 - 12:44 PM

Speaking of which ... does this require an apostrophe? Rogers Hand

Subject: RE: BS: Wanker's Register
From: Oaklet
Date: 22 Dec 05 - 12:40 PM

You'll never find me in a menage a un. Unless you look really hard. So there. Great thread, Roger.

Subject: RE: BS: Wanker's Register
From: Bill D
Date: 22 Dec 05 - 12:38 PM

" the act of maturbation "...is that different from juvenilebation we used to attempt as kids? ☺

Subject: RE: BS: Wanker's Register
From: TheBigPinkLad
Date: 22 Dec 05 - 12:38 PM

Giok, you need to check the 'migraine relief' register. ;o)

Subject: RE: BS: Wanker's Register
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 22 Dec 05 - 12:34 PM

All male respondants so far apparently. Of course I forgot, only men go to DIY stores.
NOT

Giok

Subject: RE: BS: Wanker's Register
From: TheBigPinkLad
Date: 22 Dec 05 - 12:21 PM

Yah, you'll get confused if you overdo it, wld (so I'm told)

Subject: RE: BS: Wanker's Register
From: Big Al Whittle
Date: 22 Dec 05 - 12:16 PM

we have a confusion of terms here. the act of maturbation doesn't make a complete wanker.......

Subject: RE: BS: Wanker's Register
From: David C. Carter
Date: 22 Dec 05 - 12:05 PM

Just found I'd suddenly become a "Guest",I posted at 11:09 AM.Forgot me glasses.

Subject: RE: BS: Wanker's Register
From: Bill D
Date: 22 Dec 05 - 12:01 PM

yep.."solo in a bar" might just be the next big debate! ☺

Subject: RE: BS: Wanker's Register
From: mooman
Date: 22 Dec 05 - 11:54 AM

Now that "two in a bar" is banned that may be a possibility Bill.

Peace

moo

Subject: RE: BS: Wanker's Register
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 22 Dec 05 - 11:53 AM

This subject is a little too sticky for me.

Subject: RE: BS: Wanker's Register
From: Bill D
Date: 22 Dec 05 - 11:47 AM

"Sex is like playing cards...if you've got a good hand, you don't need a partner"

...but I can't see the need for registration.......oh, wait! Perhaps Shambles wants suggestions on technique! big>☻

(I'll bet if they ban it in pubs, he'll have a campaign going in favor...*grin*)

Subject: RE: BS: Wanker's Register
From: GUEST,Mingulay at work
Date: 22 Dec 05 - 11:45 AM

Names that appear on neither register can be found in the obituary column. One should never lie about RSI, it can be fatal!

Subject: RE: BS: Wanker's Register
From: TheBigPinkLad
Date: 22 Dec 05 - 11:23 AM

Names that don't appear on this register can be found on the liar's register next door.

Subject: RE: BS: Wanker's Register
From: GUEST
Date: 22 Dec 05 - 11:09 AM

"Rabbit fur mittens",don't palm me off with those.Does it make you go blinde,if so,can I do it till I need glasses?

Subject: RE: BS: Wanker's Register
From: George Papavgeris
Date: 22 Dec 05 - 05:38 AM

I remember that a schoolmate had a sock fetish. We didn't know until one day, I guess we would have been 14 or something like that, a bunch of us were talking idly and the subject of masturbation came up. Someone cracked the usual joke, "sex is good, but it doesn't beat wanking", and this friend pipes up "yes, with a nice sock to put on your hand!".

You could have heard a pin drop.

Subject: RE: BS: Wanker's Register
From: Paco Rabanne
Date: 22 Dec 05 - 05:30 AM

It's best performed whilst wearing rabbit fur mittens.

Subject: RE: BS: Wanker's Register
From: George Papavgeris
Date: 22 Dec 05 - 05:13 AM

Now, now, unfair and probably even untrue, GUEST,Unquotable. Roger offers a confession (rare event in itself) and you put him down for it!

Though the concept of inhaling during the act is giving me some nightmarish images...

I, of course, was always pure in thought and deed, and never abused myself, never made love to the widow with the five sons (any Greek-speakers will appreciate that this is a pun), never fought the one-eyed monster....Not.

Subject: RE: BS: Wanker's Register
From: GUEST,Unquotable
Date: 22 Dec 05 - 04:44 AM

Probably Roger's only friend.

Subject: RE: BS: Wanker's Register
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 22 Dec 05 - 04:34 AM

It's only having sex with your best friend.

eric

Subject: RE: BS: Wanker's Register
From: Big Al Whittle
Date: 22 Dec 05 - 02:56 AM

in fact why wait for confession, why not denouce publicly and hand out summary justice......

George Bush!

Subject: BS: Wanker's Register
From: The Shambles
Date: 22 Dec 05 - 02:15 AM

I see we have a Lurker's Register so why not a Wanker's Register for self-confessed wankers?

I think that may have 'bashed the Bishop' myself once when I was younger - but I did not inhale.................