BS: stay out of trouble thread

Subject: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: keberoxu
Date: 18 Apr 25 - 04:58 PM

Fellow Mudcatters,
I used to have a thread called
stay afloat when others don't.
It lasted a number of years and got so big that it won't load any more.
So it is time to start a fresh thread.

I started the old thread for one reason, and continued for another.
The reason that I continued was because, honestly,
posting to that thread kept me out of trouble.
It kept me from messing up other threads and upsetting fellow members.
And this thread is intended for the same purpose.
So, I'm calling it what it is,
the stay out of trouble thread.

One of my fellow Mudcatters was right when they accused me of wanting attention,
of posting to other threads for that reason.
I've tried to behave better for some time since then,
and I don't know if I am making any progress.
I hope I have matured a little bit more since then.

In the meantime my struggles and foibles will end up here,
where they will help me stay out of trouble.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: Helen
Date: 18 Apr 25 - 05:37 PM

keberoxu, I always kept up with your other thread and it helped me to feel hopeful and positive about life in general.

There have been a lot of supportive people in that thread so it has been genuinely a beautiful thread.

I look forward to how this thread will evolve.

And don't listen to the nay-sayers. Stay true to your own path.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: keberoxu
Date: 18 Apr 25 - 06:39 PM

Helen, thank you so much.
I too have benefited greatly from others' contributions to the earlier thread.
Some of them, I miss -- where are you, Senoufou/Eliza??
Others are still very much with us.
All are welcome.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: Mrrzy
Date: 19 Apr 25 - 11:28 AM

I was just about to (try to) post to the Keeping Afloat gem of a thread, because of not keeping afloat all that well lately, back on anxiolytics, great word, that...

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: Donuel
Date: 19 Apr 25 - 04:39 PM

Worrying or basing your realities on what other people claim to think is a fool's errand. Be yourself and be satisfied when you do.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: keberoxu
Date: 20 Apr 25 - 11:16 AM

I'm a little bad-mooded today because last week,
I was unable to view my tax returns before
electronically signing and filing them
(a firm prepares the returns for me).
I trust the accounting firm.
They tried to give me access to the returns on file,
which were secure.
But when the authentication page came up, in order to
send a text code for authentication/verification,
they used my landline phone instead of my mobile phone,
so I couldn't get the code.

Ah, well. Things could always be worse. And it's a lovely Easter Sunday.
(If a bit chilly from the strong winds.)

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: Mrrzy
Date: 21 Apr 25 - 03:25 PM

The weather was gorgeous here too for zombie jesus day. Last year this got rained out...

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: keberoxu
Date: 22 Apr 25 - 04:56 PM

Progress report:
the accounting firm came through for me.
I was able to use my flip phone
to receive a text code for authentication
so that I could view, and print out a hard copy of,
my two tax returns, federal and state.

Mrrzy, sorry to hear that you are back on meds,
obviously, "needs must."

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 22 Apr 25 - 05:36 PM

I'm currently involved in the late US Congressman John Lewis' variety of "Good Trouble" - political action in response to the fool and his friends who run our government. The courts are going to have to insist that our right to free speech is etched in stone and isn't at the prerogative of the narcissist in the White House. We march, sometimes with very rude signs.

It's time consuming; four friends and I attended a march last Saturday, and remarked that we all had other things we'd prefer to do for several hours on a Saturday, but this needs to be done. And for an ultra-conservative county, the 3000+ in attendance astonished everyone, even the marchers!

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: keberoxu
Date: 23 Apr 25 - 04:07 PM

I just took a look at the "Give us a song there will ya" thread, upstairs in the music section.
I won't post to that thread, because what I have to say would be too much of a downer.
What I remember is that I was the only one in the family who had to make music at family gatherings, nobody else would do it. I felt like I was being put on display, and I didn't like it.
It would have been a far different experience to have felt included in a gathering where everyone had something to contribute, however modest.
I envy the people who have posted to that upstairs thread who recall gatherings where everyone sang, played, or danced.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: keberoxu
Date: 25 Apr 25 - 03:39 PM

Where I am staying, we are at the bottom of a large hill.
At the top of the hill is a Catholic shrine to
Our Lady of the Divine Mercy (Saint Faustina).
This Sunday is Divine Mercy Sunday
and there will be literally thousands of "pilgrims"
descending upon the town and ascending the hill,
many going up and down the hill in, literally, busloads.
There will be loudspeakers amplifying the songs and the homilies.
It's a crowd scene and
the trick is to avoid getting underfoot.
Big sigh of relief by Monday when they have all moved on.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: Donuel
Date: 27 Apr 25 - 10:56 AM

The mutual contribution of folk music is one of the great differences between folk and show business.

Sometimes, you can do everything to stay out of trouble, to no avail.
Just because you hit it in the fairway doesn't mean you have stayed out of trouble.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: keberoxu
Date: 30 Apr 25 - 06:08 PM

Just today I phoned in to a conference call about family finances.
Since my mother's death, I have had access to resources that I could not ask about before.
The finance specialist brought up some things that were done before he was hired,
and I was able to say, Yes, that was my uncle who made those decisions
and it caused us a lot of grief, in my generation.
Now my generation is the oldest, and we get to look back
and decide how to do things differently.
There is a freedom to this that I never anticipated,
I just expected to be limited for the rest of my life.
So the conference call was a good thing.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: keberoxu
Date: 02 May 25 - 01:27 PM

For a change, something going into the apartment:
from a storage vault, I'm going to move in
three large cartons of books.
I must sort them before the move,
I know I will end up donating/getting-rid-of some of them.
The cartons will be delivered a week from today.

I will be close to where I have been staying,
and I will still be in treatment only on a "day treatment basis.
So I will be keeping appointments several days a week as before.
I'll just be commuting from one town over in order to do so.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: Rapparee
Date: 05 May 25 - 01:07 PM

Good advice these days.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: keberoxu
Date: 10 May 25 - 01:18 PM

Today I bought a twin-size bed frame;
I already have the mattress and box-spring set, just need the frame.
The bed frame will be delivered next month
to my new home in the retirement community.
It's made in America and of solid wood, so built to last.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 10 May 25 - 02:46 PM

Once you have a bed, a chair, a table, a tea kettle and a cup for coffee or tea you have the basics to build from. It's moving along nicely!

This month I took some time off from my writing blogs and calling political representatives; the heightened attention to all of the 47 administration crimes was causing such a high level of stress that I feared I could bring on a recurrence of the polymyalgia rheumatica (PMR) I suffered in 2015-2018. It is idiopathic, but was most likely caused by the incredible and non-stop stress at work (long story told short - horrible boss forcing out much of the older staff). I was on steroids for 18 months and made the choice to retire and step away, helping to keep it from recurring. Trump inspires the same kind of anger and worry and as important as fighting him is, my continued good health is more important. I'll pace myself, and hope my achy arms and legs are from all of the yard work this month.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: keberoxu
Date: 12 May 25 - 09:57 PM

Things are moving rapidly on the retirement community front.
It's a short time ago that I put down the deposit;
I've been told that we can do the closing next week.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 12 May 25 - 11:30 PM

Closing? Is this something you're purchasing, or just leasing?

Good luck with all of the moving.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: keberoxu
Date: 16 May 25 - 07:09 PM

Today I got a look at the apartment with the new paint job.
I choose the paint color from the paint-chip samples that the marketing representative had to show me.
It's a good thing I picked the palest pale pink in the lot.
It looks so much more, er, PINK when it's all over the walls.
Now I'll live with it whether it pleases me or not ... seriously, I like it. It just is really really pink.
Every room in the apartment has the paint: that includes the kitchen and the bathroom, and the hallway to the door. No getting away from it.
Well, it is a small apartment.
And it gets a lot of afternoon sun from the windows facing west,
so the pink paint will really light up in the sunlight.

I also got the paperwork to review over the weekend.
IT's supposed to storm and rain this weekend,
so this is a fitting activity.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 16 May 25 - 07:15 PM

keb, I bet you can find a few art pieces to put up that will pull the eye away from the pink walls. Or will complement it. I put a pink paint in my front hall and like it a lot, it goes well with a greenish Italian tile floor.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: Helen
Date: 16 May 25 - 07:35 PM

Yes you can complement or contrast the pink colour. We chose a very hard to describe muted beige with an apricot feel to it. It is like a cream colour but just a little bit darker. We saw it in another house and liked it. It goes with everything, but I especially like the mid tone grey-blue curtains with it.

I'm happy that your life appears to be heading in the right direction.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: Charmion
Date: 19 May 25 - 11:36 AM

Keb, the great thing about Mudcat is that people can choose to read what you post -- or not.

I post here to report trivia about burdensome household realities to people who wrestle with the same or similar burdens in the hope of honest and, if possible, positive feedback. I imagine your motives are much the same.

No one has chastised me for whinging about First World problems and clouds of cat hair, but I assume that's because those who are so inclined know better than to peek into a Declutter thread.

Of course, l have my own struggles with keeping out of trouble, so I recognize your strategy.
I admire your determination to keep afloat despite forces that might sink you if you let them. If writing here about your efforts, then I say post on.

ch

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 19 May 25 - 12:47 PM

:-)

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: keberoxu
Date: 19 May 25 - 02:57 PM

Thanks, everyone, I needed to hear that. It really helps.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: keberoxu
Date: 21 May 25 - 12:09 PM

Well, the closing just happened this morning.
I paid the entrance fee in its entirety,
and got the keys to the apartment.

It will be a while before my things, including a bed to sleep in,
are moved in, so I won't be spending nights there.
But I'll be in and out, loading things out of the car trunk
and occasionally having meals there.

Before the big moves happen,
my chorus has to have its annual concert with
a whole week of rehearsals leading up to it,
so I plan on getting through that event first.
We even rehearse the evening of Memorial Day.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: keberoxu
Date: 24 May 25 - 02:50 PM

The dashboard of my car has the Low Tire Pressure light on today.
Nothing looks totally flat, although one tire looks slightly lower.
Just the thing for a holiday weekend when nothing is open (to get it looked at).

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 24 May 25 - 05:07 PM

keberoxu, you must get yourself one of those little battery-operated compressors to keep in the trunk. I have given them to the kids for their cars and keep one in mine. Meanwhile, see if there are any places like 7-Eleven, they often have a tire pressure station (a quarter is usually enough to inflate the problem tire). Good luck with that!

How are your concert rehearsals going?

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: Helen
Date: 24 May 25 - 05:52 PM

SRS & keberoxu, I have a neat manual foot pump tyre inflator, no battery required, always ready to go, with a very readable pressure gauge dial, and not very expensive. I keep it in the car boot, i.e. trunk.

keb, I am happy to see that you are ready to move into your own place and that you are also in music rehearsals. As I keep saying, per ardua ad astra, through adversity or struggles to the stars.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: keberoxu
Date: 27 May 25 - 04:29 PM

My auto tire has been de-cluttered of one short, fat nail.
Good thing I got it looked into.
The service people patched up the tire and didn't charge me anything.
I feel very relieved.

After a cold rainy previous week,
we have early summer=like weather here, all sunny and warm.
If I weren't stressed and tired from the impending move and concert,
I would enjoy it more; so I enjoy it the little that I may.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: robomatic
Date: 28 May 25 - 03:23 PM

As for staying out of trouble, I'm sure I've already writ this, but we are all aware of the 'ancient Chinese curse':
May you live in interesting times
to which a co-worker of mine was fond of adding:
"and may you come to the attention of those in authority"

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 28 May 25 - 05:45 PM

I've always thought that "interesting times" was a particularly prescient curse. Those who think it would be a good thing have never lived through interesting times.

Let's hope we all survive them.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 29 May 25 - 10:16 AM

> "and may you come to the attention of those in authority"

That's when the times in quetion become *really* interesting. Well cursed, o wise Robomatic.

Full disclosure: From (fading) memory, I first came across an alleged Chinese blessing: "May you live in uninteresting times." Not that the search engines admit it .... which is itself, erm, interesting.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: keberoxu
Date: 02 Jun 25 - 06:40 PM

Tuesday June 17 is the day that the new bed is delivered
to my new home; I can't sleep there before then.
It isn't the bed that is holding things up, it is the
delivery schedule where I bought the bed.
Well, I'll survive well enough. I can still stay where I am until then.

In a day or two we will have June, or even July, temperatures.
But today felt more like early May, cool as it was even with the sun shining.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 02 Jun 25 - 10:34 PM

How close is the establishment where you're staying now to the apartment you'll move into? Will you still be close enough to participate in the concerts you've done over the last couple of years?

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: keberoxu
Date: 04 Jun 25 - 08:21 AM

It's one town over, Stilly, an easy commute, and
yes, I'll still be a member of the chorus.

I went to the old apartment yesterday, where they were installing the new kitchen cabinets.
It occurred to me that chances are good that
the new appliances will still be sitting on the living room carpet
when the movers come,
and we will have to maneuver around
the refrigerator, the stove, and the bathroom cabinet as
we pack up and move all the boxes and the furniture.
O expletive deleted.

But I packed one chair out to my car, so that
I will have someplace to sit in the apartment
while everything is being moved in.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: keberoxu
Date: 05 Jun 25 - 06:10 PM

Monday June 9 is the day of the "everything but the bed" move.
In other words, that is the day that
I vacate my old apartment and hand over the keys.
I hired movers, of course;
they have moved me before and done good work.
It's going to be an expensive day.
They charge by the hour,
and we have to drive across the state of Massachusetts
in order to move me into my new home,
so the job may indeed take up almost all day.

I will stay near my old apartment in a hotel this weekend,
doing the last-minute stuff that has to be done.
And with my luck, it will be raining.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: keberoxu
Date: 05 Jun 25 - 06:20 PM

On another topic, that of the retirement community I moved to.
Sad news came out this week.
Everybody who knows the retirement community has been telling me
about a resident there, 'You must meet him.'
He is a retired music critic, specializing in classical music,
and well liked and respected. Also very elderly.
Sadly, he died seven days ago. He was 94.
So he and I just missed each other.

At the end of his life, he was active in editing and writing for
the retirement community resident newsletter
which is published from September to June and takes the summer off.

When the June issue of the newsletter had been printed,
the news of his death was too late --
so the editors printed out one loose page of appreciation, made copies,
and stuck the loose page in among the stapled pages of the newsletter.
It is plain that he will be very much missed.
And there is one last article by him in the issue,
about the upcoming season of the Tanglewood Festival in Berkshire County.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: keberoxu
Date: 07 Jun 25 - 01:35 PM

As I suspected, it is a rainy weekend,
in fact today is all about thunderstorms and heavy rain.
Luckily I started early in the morning
and got the driving-around part done before the rain kicked in.

The good news is that on the day of the move, Monday,
it will be very cool, rain or no rain.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: keberoxu
Date: 09 Jun 25 - 03:05 PM

The movers got me out of my old apartment once and for all,
and they just left the new apartment
(but I am using a public computer elsewhere, got in my car and drove there).

It feels unreal, it happened so fast. No problems,
the things I worried about were easily seen to and taken care of.
I'm actually very fortunate.
Even the weather cooperated, it stayed cool.

Still can't sleep there. The bed frame is delivered next week.
But I can (aaargh) unpack there.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: keberoxu
Date: 11 Jun 25 - 05:23 PM

I just went through something that is typical of the adventures that happen in long-term residential treatment.

Next week, I move out, for good, of the on-campus residence at the treatment center where I have lived for almost four years.
We have program meetings at the residence two days a week.
On my last program meeting, we will commemorate my stay there with some modest treats.

One of our fellow patients residing there has become the house's problem child;
an ironic designation considering that he is a senior citizen and probably the oldest of all of us.
He is given a lot of slack by us, and by the therapeutic community in general, because he was horribly abused and traumatized in childhood
and his prospects once he gets out of treatment are very limited.
I won't give a laundry list of his problem behaviors.
But he is a party person, has to be the life and soul of the party,
and if there isn't a party he will start one himself.

I was startled when my therapist told me that she had received a somewhat incoherent voicemail from this patient talking all about a party for me. Unhappy, too, as this is a boundary breach.
It turns out that the patient intended that voicemail as an invitation, and he "invited" two other staffpersons as well.

So I had to tell the patient that I am uncomfortable with his party idea
and I wanted it to be just us residents at my final meeting.
Thankfully he was in a good mood and he took it calmly,
and said he would disinvite the three people he had invited.
Which means my therapist is going to get another voicemail telling her not to show up after all, I suppose.

I will look back on this one day and it will all be very funny.
At the time, however, it has been upsetting.
We had a program meeting today, which this patient did not bother to attend, and of course we ended up talking all about the one person who was not present and how we are all at a loss to confront him when it is so difficult to get him to appreciate any viewpoint other than his own. At least it felt good for me to hear that others in the household understand my unhappiness with the situation and support me making my needs and wishes known. So that helped me confront the man and ask for what I needed.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: Helen
Date: 11 Jun 25 - 05:41 PM

I was talking to a friend yesterday who has been in a relationship with a man for over 20 years and what she said yesterday is almost the same as what you said. "...at a loss to confront him when it is so difficult to get him to appreciate any viewpoint other than his own".

I feel helpless to know how to support her especially when she is trying to negotiate acceptable outcomes in one-to-one conversations with him.

It is good that the people around you are supportive.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 11 Jun 25 - 06:15 PM

Helen, as long as you don't invite her to keberoxu's party, you'll be ok! ;-) (Moving on is one way to deal with it, if she feels unheard and unappreciated. But that is a huge step in itself.)

Reading up on the things one should consider taking to protest marches (a whole bunch coming on on Saturday, June 14). Staying out of trouble involves carrying along first aid for pepper spray or tear gas, face masks, safety goggles, and bail money.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: Helen
Date: 11 Jun 25 - 08:00 PM

Yes, SRS, we were discussing her options and I asked her why she doesn't give him the heave-ho. It wouldn't be an easy conversation but if she can stick to her decision she might just regain some of her real self, which he has whittled away over the two decades. Fingers crossed.

Protest march supplies list: don't forget to take a water bottle and probably some food in case it is a long day. Stay safe, have a peaceful protest. I hope it goes well.

The protests are getting stronger and are happening in more places so maybe the message will finally get through.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: keberoxu
Date: 15 Jun 25 - 06:48 PM

I knew it would happen eventually.

People in the retirement community have been greeting me in the halls.
They know me as "new resident" since, with my permission,
my photograph was posted in a prominent place.
So they recognize my face, and they saw my apartment number on the photograph.

And for the first time today I encountered someone
whose welcome made me feel like, Oh, no, this one is clingy.
I dread clingy people. This one had a hovering quality,
and I just wanted to get away from her.

Today, however, my photograph has been removed, and replaced by
two photographs of even newer residents, as more people move in.
One of them is moving right next door to me.
I haven't met her, but I met her daughter who is helping her move in.

It was Father's Day here, and
the menu was roast beef, mashed potatoes, and apple pie
( although alternates were available). Filled me up.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: keberoxu
Date: 16 Jun 25 - 07:11 PM

Some weeks back, probably on the earlier stay afloat thread,
I posted about a friend, in a priory of Dominican friars,
whose community might have to leave their on-campus residence.

The good news is that the friars can stay in their residence.
The bad news is that their Catholic college may go under:
"It depends on who you talk to," says my friend.
School is out for the summer now, and big decisions have to be made, I gather.
These are difficult times, you don't have to be an Ivy League institution to be feeling the heat, I think.

My friend the friar accepted the assignment to join a group of fellow friars
in recording three-minute reflections on the scripture reading of the day.
They can be seen on YouTube, and he admits that he never looks at his own recordings,
because he feels so uneasy when he films them.
But it's nice for me to get a glimpse of someone I have not seen in years.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: keberoxu
Date: 18 Jun 25 - 04:05 PM

Waking up in a strange place was uncomfortable: strange bed, stuffy room.
My old room was above the basement of the house with a floor vent,
and there was always cool air circulating in the room.
And today is a stifling hot humid day, the kind where the odd thunderstorm breaks out.

There is something to look forward to next month.
I am not that far away from the Williamstown Theater Festival,
with summer stock theater going on.
Their big production this summer is
Tennessee Williams' "Camino Real."
It is different from the usual Tennessee Wiiliams play.
It is high fantasy, with characters from Casanova to Don Quixote.
It takes place in the afterlife, and ends up being philosophical:
many souls are bound in a region ruled by fear,
and yet a few, like Don Quixote, transcned that region for something more heavenly.
I have never seen the play, it is rarely staged anywhere;
but I studied it carefully some years ago.
And I hear that, in the right hands, it is a powerful experience.

The retirement community has a bunch of us going together, which will be nice.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: keberoxu
Date: 19 Jun 25 - 04:44 PM

There was an awkward moment at supper the other night.
Supper at the retirement community is a highly social affair, unlike lunch.
The residents who come to supper come to see and be seen, and to make conversation.
As the newest resident, I was invited to sit at a table for eight -- there were only seven of us actually.
The other residents all knew each other and were comfortable conversing together.

The talk turned to the No Kings protests, with the table wholly in favor of them.
But the resident next to me misinterpreted my silence.
I'm not the talkative kind, in spite of how much I write or post,
and I had not said anything while they were talking about the protests.
And this one resident judges people by how cleverly they talk.
So she turned to me to offer her commiserations over the fact that I had obviously voted for Trump, and I stopped her with,
"I did NOT vote for Trump."
In fact that exchange shut down the whole table for a minute or so.

This woman is a talker, plainly, and earlier in the evening she had observed that a man she knew was actually very smart,
but when she first met him she didn't think much of his intelligence.
I"m reading things into this, but I take it to mean that
the man also kept silence when she expected him to dance verbally with her,
and she misinterpreted his silence as she did mine.
I really mistrust people who live to talk.

Anyway, the others at the table gave no offense in any way,
and they were very kind to me, in spite of my silence.
So overall it was not a bad experience, just awkward for a minute.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: keberoxu
Date: 22 Jun 25 - 06:45 PM

This week the objective is to change my address with Social Security.
Important, as I am on Medicare now.

They want you to change your address online, through an online account.
I am finding this tedious and awkward.
First I have to log in.
In order to log in, I have to accept a code sent to my flip phone, then enter the code online; that's authentication.
Then comes ID verification. That's going to be even more interesting.
With a smartphone, which I don't have, you take a picture of yourself.
Without a smartphone, you have to verify your identity in person, and you have to do it at a branch of the post office.
You can't just saunter in and do it, either -- it has to be prepped online first, I'm not sure how.
But I will discover how this week, as I go through all the steps.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 22 Jun 25 - 07:07 PM

You could always move with the times and buy a smartphone. Life would be easier then.

DC

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: Donuel
Date: 22 Jun 25 - 07:14 PM

I did the online Social Security sign up and the new DOGE in person follow up. What is new is the private security guards with guns who do their best to intimidate people upon arriving but the case workers are sweethearts.SOON it will be 3 months with no response or check.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 22 Jun 25 - 07:25 PM

Do you have a tablet? Or a laptop with a camera? Maybe you can get one of those to work with the Authenticator.

I logon to Social Security using the Authenticator App (only the federal sites and my old work site). Authenticator by Microsoft. It has a QR code for devices.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: keberoxu
Date: 02 Jul 25 - 07:31 PM

The other things I am being introduced to,
in my quest to log in,
are security keys and passkeys,
especially biometric passkeys
involving facial recognition and fingerprints, and maybe a PIN number.

I'm going to go to my social worker for help with this.
He is good with computers and smartphones anyway,
and he has the patience of a saint during our appointments.
I am going to need all of it.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: keberoxu
Date: 07 Jul 25 - 08:23 PM

Years ago I helped out a very little with an ambitious Catholic ministry that went into the prisons. I actually was the chaplain's guest a few times in a medium-security prison, an old prison that had been updated with some technology -- Norfolk Prison Colony, in Massachusetts. Back in the pre-electronics day, it was maximum security, with its multiple walls and its "traps". That was a difficult experience. But I met prisoners who were turning their lives around thanks to this ministry.

One of them is in big trouble. He is a parolee, he was released on good behavior and has lived an exemplary life in the seventeen years he has been out of prison. He is also one of the Vietnamese boat people who escaped to this country. ICE has now detained him and will deport him back to Vietnam, where he has no contacts and will have to start all over. I guess his criminal record is a big part of why he was detained in the first place.

The people in the prison ministry are heartbroken. He was totally dedicated to giving back to the ministry that had changed his whole life, and they will miss him terribly. Perhaps that experience with the prison ministry will actually help him cope with the new and difficult situation he will find himself in.

So now I can say that I am one of the people who knows someone who was targeted by ICE. I guess there are a lot of us who know someone.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: Helen
Date: 08 Jul 25 - 04:56 AM

Funny, not funny!!

After almost 2 days of having to live my life without internet and email, I am finally back in.

Lightning struck just at the front of our house, and it sounded like it was right next to me where I was sitting upstairs, using my computer. It sounded like a very loud bomb going off right next to me. (How do the people in Gaza feel, experiencing that on a daily basis? I can't imagine how bad that would be.) It broke the Wi-Fi box and caused an issue with the Air-Con but apart from that it was a very brief electricity cut and a very strong heart-attack effect for both of us. Some of our neighbours also had some electrical issues from the strike.

It's lucky I have a resident IT Guy, i.e. Hubby, to fix the tech issues!

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: Sandra in Sydney
Date: 08 Jul 25 - 05:37 AM

lucky you! I'm currently waiting for my techy friend to fix some "features" which I hope are not "bugs"

Another friend gave some good advice, including his agreement that I would be better off booking an appointment with my Mac Expert, & sorted one of the problems.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 08 Jul 25 - 06:04 AM

Welcome back, Helen. That sort of thing is agreed to be scary .... Once upon a time, I was listening to approaching lightning on my crystal set, and timing the delay between crackle and thunder; suddenly there was an almighty bang outside and a simultaneous crackissimo in my earphones, and the next thing I knew, I'd thrown the earphones off in panic. And no, the long-wire aerial outside hadn't been hit, or my brains would have been toast.*

Point of interest: Is your network connection via wires or fibre? One of the few reasons I'm glad our phone now goes over fibre-optic is that it reduces possible problems if there's lightning about, for reasons I can bore you rigid with on request.

* Stop sniggering at the back, there.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: Helen
Date: 08 Jul 25 - 06:18 AM

I'd have to ask the resident boffin about wires or fibre, but I know there was some work being done in the neighbourhood a year or so ago to connect fibre so maybe that is all done. By the way, Mr Boffin confessed he had forgotten to reconnect the surge protection after he had done some reshuffling of some of the connections so I can confidently blame him. :-D

I swear to god that it sounded like the lightning bolt was about a metre to my right, just outside the window, and the thunder was within a few seconds of the bolt so it was extremely close. If there had been any lightning and thunder before that I would have turned off the computer, but it was a bolt out of the blue, no prior warning. We couldn't see any evidence of where it struck except that there was a slight smoky smell outside.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 08 Jul 25 - 09:55 AM

Keb, I'm sorry and angry to read about how your parolee friend is being treated. Having served his time and lived an exemplary life would seem to be the reasons to leave him alone. But the current administration is all about hate and misery. ICE is the modern day Brownshirts.

Helen, you're lucky the house didn't burn or you didn't get shocked! Is your house the tallest thing in the area? Maybe it's time to install a lightning rod.

This morning as I left my house to feed the friend's cats I spotted a skunk running along the next door neighbor's fence, across the street and then up into the grass and trees next to the bridge. It must have spent the night along the creek behind the house. No dogs got skunked today and the skunk lived to tell about it, so if any of these parties were present at last year's Mothers Day skunkfest, they all learned their lessons. Staying out of trouble, indeed!

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: Helen
Date: 08 Jul 25 - 01:54 PM

I agree about the parolee being unfairly treated. It makes me angry and sad.

Yes, SRS, our two storey house is the tallest in our little part of the neighbourhood. Speaking of lightning rods, I happened to watch a documentary a couple of days ago about Mont Saint Michel and the statue of the Archangel, St Michael was mentioned.

"This statue, 2.80 m high, weighing 800 kg, has an iron structure covered with copper leaves and a layer of gold. It is not only decorative, it has an essential utility to the Mount. This is the main lightning rod of Mont Saint Michel. Lightning is drawn to the end of the Archangel's sword and wings, which not only symbolically protects the Mount."

Maybe we could erect a St Michael statue on the peak of the roof! I know we can't afford an iron, copper and gold-plated one, though. :-D

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: keberoxu
Date: 10 Jul 25 - 04:23 PM

A long-time friend of mine was exchanging e-mails with me two years ago, and went silent. I kept sending e-mails and received nothing in response.

Today I Googled my friend's name, and found her obituary.
She died two years ago, one month after her last e-mail to me.

We were both at university studying music together. However, she was older than I. I was only an undergraduate, and she was returning to school after raising three children.
We became rather close, and her exuberant, vivacious spirit was like a tonic for me. She was Irish-American and a recovering Catholic, so to speak. She was young at heart even as her body aged.

I went back and looked at her last e-mail. She had been in the hospital with serious illness, and reading between the lines I wonder if she had minimized in her e-mail just how serious it was. By this time she was old enough to have seven great-grandchildren. She had suffered badly from a series of falls as well, breaking bones. So her old suffering body was ready to go.

I cannot believe that her spirit has been extinguished after burning so brightly.
I have to believe that her spirit exists on another plane, as vibrant as ever.

Thanks for listening. I had to tell somebody.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: keberoxu
Date: 11 Jul 25 - 10:13 AM

I just completed a phone call to Social Security.
The nice lady who took my call,
changed my address and phone number over the phone.

It helped that I made the phone call
late in the week (Friday)
and early in the day (9:30 am).
They were able to take my call
without making me wait on hold for two hours or more.

It's finally done. I was beginning to despair . . .

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 11 Jul 25 - 02:31 PM

Texas Monthly account of the Guadalupe flood by a staff member caught in it.

Astonishing, and all things considered, they were fortunate that any of them survived.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: keberoxu
Date: 14 Jul 25 - 10:44 AM

My post on JUly 10 describes how I found out about the death of a long-time friend.

I'm still grieving the loss.
She was twenty years older than I, and could have been my mother.
She did mother me in some ways, as she mothered many other students.
We shared a lot of music together:
we performed together at university and outside of it;
we went to classes together,
we studied with some of the same professors and coaches,
we attended concerts together.

And she was a generous friend, always ready to lend a hand or help out.
Her sense of humor uplifted me and restored me many times.
She did not flinch from the hard realities of life
(she raised three children as a single mother),
but she was indomitable and did not let anything get her down.

I am grieving the loss of someone I loved very much.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: Helen
Date: 14 Jul 25 - 11:17 AM

I am sad for your loss, keberoxu. It's especially difficult when you did not find out about her passing until later. Cherish her memory and the good times and especially the memories of her wonderful influence on you and those around her. Play some music in her honour.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 14 Jul 25 - 11:53 AM

I just went back and reread that, keberoxu. I missed it when you first posted, and I'm sorry to read it. I had a similar surprise last week, when the daughter of an old academic correspondent posted a sad memory on her facebook page, and because she tagged her late father, I was able to backtrack. He died just over two years ago. We had a really good ten years or so of conversations when I was in graduate school and beyond, but he was moving from finishing the PhD (never finally did) to teaching full time and had some interesting family struggles he described. I didn't know he'd been sick, had cancer that returned. It seems like I should have felt something at the time he passed, I get the impression that is something you're also struggling with. How did that source of positive energy extinguish without your being aware of it, feeling it's absence when it happened.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: JennieG
Date: 15 Jul 25 - 02:54 AM

That is a lovely tribute to your friend, keberoxu. You will miss her.

Sometimes lift just gets in the way, and we lose touch with people we care for and who care for us.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: keberoxu
Date: 19 Jul 25 - 12:29 PM

After several months of shifting things about, I am almost all in one place now.
My apartment of fifteen years' rental, I have now moved out of it completely.
All the stuff that was in storage is now under my roof.
My apartment has everything that still belongs to me after a drastic period of downsizing.
This week the USPS officially started forwarding my mail to the new address, and I ought to see evidence of that in the mail.
Right now I'm receiving mail directly addressed to my apartment, but not the forwarded stuff yet.

I'm feeling a curious sort of fatigue.
Not helped by the fact that my mattress is so firm that it feels like
trying to sleep on a massage table.
I'm going to try a mattress topper to see if it helps me sleep better.
The bedroom, which faces west, absolutely requires the air conditioner
to be going in high summer, particularly all night long.
The fan blows wll night long and I'm still getting used to the sensation and the noise.

I feel like I need to allow myself more time to settle into
a life that has gotten shaken up a lot in the last six months or so.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 19 Jul 25 - 02:26 PM

You've been very active in all of this moving, it was a goal and you have achieved it, so I hope you feel good for that. Props to you for all of that work! You wrangled those ducks admirably. Perhaps it is time to set some new goals?

At night I hate the air conditioner blowing on my feet and legs. I have a careful balance of the ceiling fan running, the thermostat set at 82^o, and the covers are a sheet and a light cotton blanket that is pushed aside unless it cools a lot near dawn. I'd rather go to sleep in a warm room with a little gentle air movement than the gush of cold every so often.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: keberoxu
Date: 23 Jul 25 - 08:37 PM

Just came from a performance out of a highly competitive program for
high school students to study classical piano,
which I also studied at their age.

I did not envy them one bit.
I remember all the hours I spent practicing the piano at that age,
and the auditions to get into a good university music program.
I could feel for the students taking turns at the piano.
And I thought, let them do the heavy lifting now,
I've had my turn, and I'm done playing the piano for others.

But I don't say that to my acquaintances in the audience,
because a lot of them would not understand how I can feel that way.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 24 Jul 25 - 12:03 AM

It sounds like there is a support or mentor role you could choose, if there is interest in supporting any of those students. Do you still play the piano for your own pleasure? I was never confident enough to play in front of people but enjoy playing for myself.

Looking for a bit of Good Trouble, John Lewis style, but not so much that the stress levels rise. 3.5 more years of Trump make that a huge challenge. Time for the entire nation to explore stress reduction exercises.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: keberoxu
Date: 24 Jul 25 - 08:07 AM

The program is a summer intensive that draws students from across the country.
In a week or two they go back home to California or wherever they are from. (One was from China.)

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 24 Jul 25 - 01:15 PM

Perhaps in a few years some of them will come to Fort Worth, Texas, for the Cliburn competition.

This summer has been a time for reading important current books on political policy and thought. And makes me wonder if I should backtrack and find some pithy Marx essays as background. His name is thrown around by people who probably have never actually read any of his theory. (I have, but a long time ago, hence the interest in re-reading or finding more.) American libraries aren't supposed to share information or keep records about what their clients research or check out, but in this digital age they probably can't help but have records like that. Staying out of trouble at the library may mean simply paying cash for used books at the brick and mortar store in town.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 24 Jul 25 - 02:27 PM

Hear hear, Stilly: as a computer systems administrator in remission, I strongly favour hard copy, as I know how many ways a bag of bits can get mangled or otherwise abused. The iron test of anything (whether it's documentation, banking, or folk music) is whether it'd work in a power cut.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: Mrrzy
Date: 26 Jul 25 - 09:18 AM

Hi keb and everybody,I need to read this whole thread. Just got here.

Argh. Sister. Niece. Much anxiety, no depression.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: keberoxu
Date: 26 Jul 25 - 09:34 AM

Take off your coat and stay awhile, Mrrzy!

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 26 Jul 25 - 11:27 AM

I'm taking a friend to the library today to renew her card. Her news this week is that in this treacherous MAGA world she finally got a date for a SSI disability hearing. I wouldn't want to be trying to thread that needle right now, but it has taken about three years to get here and the payment will be retroactive from when she started the process. She is one of those who would certainly fall through the cracks with the cuts to Medicare if she is dropped, but if she is on paper truly disabled hopefully the insurance stays as well. Staying out of trouble these days comes with a political component.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: keberoxu
Date: 02 Aug 25 - 08:10 AM

The treatment center has an Alumni Reunion this weekend,
which current patients are encouraged to register for and attend.
It started yesterday, and continues through the weekend.
There are people coming back who were in treatment when I was,
so I saw a few familiar faces.
There are also some old-timers who go back decades,
who try to attend these reunions regularly
(they happen about every two years).

There's a big tent on the grassy lawn, and some of the events happen under the tent,
others in the big conference room indoors.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: keberoxu
Date: 03 Aug 25 - 10:51 AM

I am haunted by an account that was given by a treatment center alumnus
during a panel presentation to the reunion attendees yesterday.

Some people seem to have lives like a drama or an opera.
This one alumnus suffers from a degenerative nerve disorder and
has been in and out of hospitals all their life.
I got to know this person a little, as they were still in treatment
when I arrived, then they discharged.

I was unaware that, in the past year or two,
the alumnus was nearly killed while using a crosswalk to cross the street. A car struck the person in the crosswalk.
They were using an electric scooter, since the disorder affects their mobility,
and so were wearing a helmet, which saved their life.
Hearing this story kept me awake last night.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: keberoxu
Date: 05 Aug 25 - 08:49 AM

Last night I attended a concert (not staged) performance of
Ravel's "L'Enfant et les Sortileges," a one-act opera.
Ravel only composed two operas, both brief,
and both crammed with difficulties;
I think this one is the more difficult of the two.
I can just imagine what rehearsals were like:
a rehearsal pianist scrambling to keep up with the arrangement
of a fiendishly difficult orchestration;
and singers having to repeat and repeat their sung lines.
You come out of rehearsals like that
with the music partly memorized and ringing in your ears.

Then you perform it once, and poof! it's all over.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 05 Aug 25 - 12:30 PM

Is the group you heard perform one you're thinking of joining? Are you still near the group you've rehearsed and performed with in the last couple of years?

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: keberoxu
Date: 05 Aug 25 - 04:04 PM

The performers last night were the Tanglewood Music Center Fellows,
only here for the summer.
It was their big finale, and now they all go back home.

I am still very near the chorus that I sing with,
so I'm planning to be back in the second soprano section in September.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: keberoxu
Date: 09 Aug 25 - 08:01 PM

Two months ago, I posted a message about "Camino Real,"
the Tennessee Williams play that I anticipated seeing in performance.

The performance happened last month.
I was with a group of ten to fifteen people who went together in a small van.
The play's reputation is deserved: it is long and difficult, and hard to understand.
I was actually very entertained by the whole thing, I believe this is because
I prepared for the experience, reading the play thoroughly and reading some commentaries and analyses of the play.

Others in my group were not thus prepared for the play,
and I recall one woman who was so frustrated by the experience of sitting through the play
that she lashed out in anger afterwards.
Our van driver (who went out for pizza while waiting for us)
asked the woman, "What was it about?"
And the woman snarled, "NOTHING! It was about NOTHING!"

Well, I knew that "Camino Real" would have some people scratching their heads in puzzlement, it's that type of play.
And it is likely that I won't see it again anywhere.
So I am grateful to have seen the play at all in any production.

I think of the play as a metaphor for purgatory, for a plane of existence
which attracts people whose lives are over, and who are still earthbound,
still attached to the lives that they lived.
The play takes place over one night, and part of a morning, in its setting.
And one can imagine the lost souls who populate the place
re-enacting the same events day after day, unable to break the cycle.
There are two or three characters in the play who transcend the setting
and move on;
two of them do so together at the end of the play,
making for an upbeat ending.
Like I say, I'm glad I saw it once in my life.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 10 Aug 25 - 12:45 AM

That just makes sense, Keb. I remember a book my parents had that I thought was odd, until Mom explained that the "Plots of the Operas" (ancient book by now) helped them understand what was going on when they listened to the Met Opera on the radio on Saturdays.

I went with friends to see a Shakespeare play, can't remember which now, but I had read it, and have to say they figured out one way to deal with not having read it. They put me in the middle between them and took turns leaning in to ask me what was happening. I pity the people behind us. Unless they didn't know either and were listening to the answers.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: keberoxu
Date: 11 Aug 25 - 08:15 AM

Still taking some meals at the treatment center dining hall, with its buffet servery.

The dishwasher is being replaced over the next three days, so we have to eat with disposable dishes and utensils, as nothing can be washed until the new dishwasher is installed in the dining hall kitchen. Not a big deal, just a little different than we're used to.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: keberoxu
Date: 15 Aug 25 - 01:39 PM

I just paid for a new mattress, to replace the one that is too hard and stiff.
Now to set up delivery, along with disposal of my old mattress.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 15 Aug 25 - 01:56 PM

You should be able to offer it for free on local message groups if you participate in any, or know someone who could list it for you. I'm sorry toppers weren't helpful!

Sweet dreams!

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: keberoxu
Date: 16 Aug 25 - 05:43 PM

I'm supposed to be staying out of trouble, but stuff happens.
Yesterday I was taking my newly cleaned clothes off of the wire hangers that they come back on. The wire hanger scratched the back of my hand, maybe two inches, or a little less. My skin is thinner than it used to be. I now have these adhesive strips holding the cut skin together, thanks to the retirement community nurse. They are not supposed to get wet. I was given those thin disposable gloves to use when I need to wash. It doesn't hurt, as long as I don't touch it.

I feel stupid for being so clumsy with the hanger.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 16 Aug 25 - 05:52 PM

Good thing you have a nurse handy to take care of that! Keep it dry!

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 18 Aug 25 - 12:48 PM

Today seems to be one for problem solving. I looked out at the curb to see if my trash can had been emptied yet - not only was it still full, all of the other trash along the street had been picked up. I moved my can back up the driveway, but a few minutes later the dogs barking alerted me to the trash truck parked at the bottom of the driveway. It seems they're one man short so had picked up only one side and the house next door on my side. Quick handoff and that bag is gone (was going to get stinky with several meat wrappers).

Telemedicine counselling appointment call didn't happen as expected, my call to ask about it looped through their recorded message a couple of times and got a tongue tied phone clerk who finally said their system is down, they'll contact me when they can reschedule.

My paycheck from my part-time job arrived, but it hadn't been signed by the boss (it was already a week late.) Oops, they'll resend tomorrow.

I kind of hate to guess at what might be next, it isn't even noon yet.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: keberoxu
Date: 19 Aug 25 - 01:12 PM

Tomorrow the new mattress is delivered,
while the old mattress and box springs are removed.

My right hand is healing nicely, if slowly.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: keberoxu
Date: 23 Aug 25 - 02:58 PM

A fellow resident at the retirement home is getting on my nerves.
It is keeping me awake at night because the encounters are triggering for me.
This woman is very persuasive, even seductive, about insinuating herself into someone else's life.
I have been very short with her, yet she persists in trying to get me to open up.
She gives me the creeps, frankly.
For one thing, she has given me too much information that I didn't ask for.
She sat down next to me one day to tell me all about the drama of her childhood, concluding with the fact that she grew up to become a counselor. Then she asked if my childhood was worse than hers. I didn't say much.
I honestly was not prepared to open up and spill my stuff,
and the more she pressures me, the less I trust her.

I'm afraid I will have to confront her and tell her, no more of this.
After all, I can't change her behavior, but I can change mine,
and up to this point I have just been stubbornly withholding without confronting her about how icky she makes me feel.
Because she has been so persistent about pursuing me and getting stuff out of me,
I expect her to resist and persist with me, which won't be nice.
But I have to be firm and make clear that
I know that she is trying to lead me somewhere, and
that she will not lead me one step further on this particular path.
I don't look forward to this, but I have to do it if I want to get some sleep at night.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: Helen
Date: 23 Aug 25 - 04:30 PM

Ah keberoxu, that reminds me of when I was going through a very tough time dealing with a workplace bully who was my manager.

I went to a women's group event which was supposed to be a celebration and a chance to socialise with good people and a woman I didn't know sat next to me at the lunch table. She suddenly started giving me an unwanted psychic reading, in front of everyone else at the table. I was so upset already about the months of bullying and then about her invading my psychological space without my permission. I jumped up from the table and went to the bathroom and cried my eyes out. I was so angry that she thought she had the right to launch into this invasion of my private space.

Negotiating with others who are invading our private space is not easy, but it can be done. I went to an assertiveness training session many years ago and it was very helpful. One tip was never to say "sorry" at the beginning of a statement about not wanting to comply with a request because it gives the other person a chance to continue the conversation. If someone asks you to go to lunch tomorrow, for example, and you don't want to go anywhere with them, don't say, "Sorry, I can't make it tomorrow" because they will say, "How about the next day?" and so on. It is a clearer communication to just say, "No thanks. I'm not interested".

Then polite but assertive repetition is a good tactic, e.g. "No thanks. I'm not interested" in response to any attempts the other person makes to repeatedly put pressure on changing your mind. Quiet but firm is the best tactic that I have found.

I also find it helpful to think through my tactics. I often write it down and then clarify my thoughts and reduce them to one or two statements which I can repeat as often as necessary until the other person gets the message.

I suspect you are the latest target in a long line - newcomer to the home and someone she sees as a possible new person to bother because all the others have sent her and her behaviour away.

Keep calm and work out your tactics.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: Helen
Date: 23 Aug 25 - 05:49 PM

When I was working in the library I read a book by Dr Winnifred Cutler which changed my perspective on negotiating with people to get what I wanted or needed, instead of feeling obliged to agree to other people's demands. It still stands out in my mind as one of the best books I have ever read.

Note: There is no hidden message in my recommending this book, given it is about courtship. The important lessons I learned are similar to what this woman said on the review page:

"A Story from "Freida" who learned to follow the Code of Courtship:

"Frieda was 38 when she attended a workshop and explored her history with men. As she did, she recognized that her problem centered on principles four and five. When men began to show interest in her, she would typically respond with pretty much whatever they wanted. Her usual experience was to receive a phone call on a Friday afternoon from a new or not so new man who would ask her what she was doing this weekend. And usually the truth was she had no plans.

"Then when the man would suggest that they get together, although she felt uneasy about it, she would agree to see him at the last minute. She didn't like this, but didn't know how to change it. Through the exercises that follow, she learned how to communicate what she wanted. More important, she strengthened her capacity for self-control and her dignity by taking command of her calendar. Her life changed dramatically."

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 23 Aug 25 - 06:58 PM

She would give me the creeps also! I concur with Helen's theory - if you're the "new kid" and subjected to her scrutiny, it's a matter of standing your ground.

There's a guy I follow on Instagram named Jefferson Fisher whose short clips offer tips on how to interact with people who cause problems. I'm sure you've had enough of these kinds of discussions in therapy that none of it is new, but maybe one or two would be a reminder of what try (or try next.) He's a trial lawyer who discusses communicating and setting boundaries. If you can't simply walk away from her to deliver the lack of interest message, then maybe something else in there would help.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 24 Aug 25 - 06:48 AM

This person might be trying to be friendly but have poor social skills. Rather than cutting them off with a curt "No thanks. I'm not interested", why not change the subject to something you enjoy - singing in a choir, for example. You never know, you might find a common interest somewhere along the way.

DC

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 24 Aug 25 - 06:56 AM

..... or music in general, if singing in a choir is too specific

DC

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 24 Aug 25 - 12:08 PM

Hm. Saga time ....

I had (and have) a problem with dealing with conflict. At my last-but-one place of work, one colleague had a tendency to speak *at* underlings; one piece of work I was doing for him wasn't going so well, so I had nothing to take to him, so he would visit my office and be loudly unhappy. What broke me out of the cycle was plucking up the courage to walk into his office first thing one morning, and say "Right --- how are we going to deal with this wretched problem?" After that, he was on my side.

Hope this helps.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: keberoxu
Date: 24 Aug 25 - 01:52 PM

Unfortunately Helen is on the right track here.
This one is a known manipulator.
She directs the weekly happy hour before Tuesday dinner,
and makes everyone else's business her business.
No more weekly happy hours for me, I think.

I think SRS is right as well, about going after the "new kid".
So it's going to be a little unpleasant but I have to set boundaries.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: Helen
Date: 24 Aug 25 - 02:55 PM

keberoxu, one of the issues with either working for a large department or, in your case, moving into a retirement facility is that you don't get to choose the other people you have to associate with. You have been able to reset your life and make some positive changes and it appears that the future is looking bright for you. You should be able to follow the path which is right for you without interference from someone with her own agenda. (I suspect she might fit my category of COTUS - Centre of the Universe Syndrome. :-) )

I think it is your right to set reasonable boundaries and to uphold them and from what you have told us, it seems like this woman doesn't respect boundaries. No-one should have the power to pressure anyone else to either reveal or discuss personal issues with them, especially if it is none of their business, and I suspect she tries to start these conversations when other people are nearby so there is a risk of a number of other people knowing your business.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: Donuel
Date: 25 Aug 25 - 09:09 AM

Preserve the contentment of your selected community. People who gossip about other people's issues are generally less interesting than people who discuss ideas. You can change the subject yourself or be disinterested in the gossip/accusations. Influencers come and go. Water will eventually find its own level in your positive community of choice, so don't let yourself become intimidated. There are issues worth fighting for, but this doesn't sound like trouble worth fighting. Nobody is perfect. Let a blip be a blip.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 25 Aug 25 - 10:17 AM

The library I retired from had horrible management the last few years. And at one point people from the administration office went to some kind of retreat that involved sharing personal stuff and it would somehow engender good feelings. With no background they started running those kinds of sessions in our regular meeting room, and asking people to share deep dark secrets. A department co-worker had signed up thinking it was required and I remember advising them to back out, that they had no business trying to run something like that. Others must have expressed the same concern because those sessions vanished off of the calendar. Even with the best of intentions those things can go awry. You said your nosy neighbor runs a weekly happy hour? Is there some other event you can participate in, or arrange informally, to meet some of the others in your community? You said you aren't playing piano any more, but if you were, would people join in singing?

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: Helen
Date: 25 Aug 25 - 04:07 PM

Talking about finding a group activity reminds me of some detective fiction books I read recently about a group of people living in a retirement village who start investigating a crime and then the next books are each about a new crime.

Richard Osman Thursday Murder Club series. I have read the first two. I'll have to find copies of the other three. They are a gentle, fun read - except for the crime part, of course.

SRS, your story reminds me of a flaky manager - long story, she wasn't management material - who decided to run mindfulness sessions when the unit was under pressure about being relocated 50 miles away. Not many attended and the sessions fizzled out. (My comment about her would be that she needed a mind before she could be mindful, and she tended to skim the surface of anything she was supposedly "learning" so her interpretation of mindfulness would be unlikely to relate to the actual concept.)

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: keberoxu
Date: 25 Aug 25 - 06:12 PM

Indeed, SRS, there are many other events going on that I can look into and participate in, although if they are in the morning then I have conflicts in my schedule.

As for music, there is already a musician leading singing in the community at regular times; he conducts singing, and he has an accompanist who works with him. He is always looking for new singers. I am not aware if my nosy neighbor is or is not part of the singing group. But this is something that might fit into my schedule ... or not ... I will have to see. I think the group, like my chorus, had the summer off. But they ought to start meeting up again.

As to my chorus, they resume a week after Labor Day, which is in no time at all.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 27 Aug 25 - 11:10 PM

I shipped 3 pounds of okra to a friend but the UPSP was so slow, even on Priority mail, that most of it spoiled before it got there. The post office used to ship the more expensive mail faster, now it just says "gotcha" if you're silly enough to pay more for the same slow service all other parcels get.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 28 Aug 25 - 10:21 AM

Getting things shipped in a hurry: I remember reading about the touring theatrical company who had difficulties ensuring their costume and/or props hamper arrived (by rail iirc) before the performance. Their solution was to write FISH in large, friendly letters on the hamper.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: keberoxu
Date: 31 Aug 25 - 08:34 PM

I overheard something a little chilling tonight.

In the parlor by the retirement community library, I was reading a book.
Two women sat down on a couch nearby and began talking earnestly, as though I were not there to hear.
One of the women claimed that she has been robbed twice since she moved here, describing what was taken -- jewelry, of course.
Somewhere in the conversation, the other woman remarked, "There are no secrets at [the retirement community]."
I haven't any jewelry to be robbed of. I don't dress that way;
the woman in question does dress up, though, especially for dinner.

I have days when I feel sorry for myself. I don't, after hearing that.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: keberoxu
Date: 03 Sep 25 - 03:44 PM

The nosy woman is back and she is doing her best to negotiate terms, so to speak.
I have let her know that she told me too much and I was unhappy about it.
She wants to apologize and get hugs and stroke me some more, literally.
I keep saying no to the hugs and the stroking.

This is a deeply needy person and all the times that I was being polite to her, she somehow found me attractive, and now she wants to give me special treatment.
It's all very creepy. She's an old lady and I don't see her changing.

I'm afraid the only way to deal with her coming after me and wanting my attention is to keep saying no and to be firm,
and accept that she negotiates and pushes. It's how she goes through life.
From one point of view she is harmless, and she would protest vehemently that she is harmless, I'm sure.
But we are practically neighbors and we cannot avoid crossing paths in the hallway.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: Helen
Date: 03 Sep 25 - 04:28 PM

Stay firm and determined to keep your own space. No means no, thanks but no thanks.

It brings to my mind the coercive control type of behaviour and part of that is being nice just to get her own way.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 03 Sep 25 - 04:46 PM

Try talking about folk music - specifically, "what is folk?". If her eyes start to glaze over, you shouldn't have any more trouble.
;-)

DC

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: Sandra in Sydney
Date: 03 Sep 25 - 05:31 PM

well said, Doug!

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: Helen
Date: 03 Sep 25 - 06:10 PM

That's a great strategy, Doug!!

Or maybe start expounding on the deep technicalities of playing classical music, similar to listening to an IT person at a dinner party explaining a specific technical aspect of their work in great depth and which no-one else understands except superficially. :-D

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 03 Sep 25 - 06:54 PM

When a friendship starts organically there is usually a lot of sharing and comparing, but only if the feelings are mutual. What kinds of subjects does she broach? Things that all tie back to her? Or is she drilling you?

Why is she not reading or is ignoring your signals that you're not interested? Does she have other friends in the community?

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: pattyClink
Date: 03 Sep 25 - 10:04 PM

Oh dear, I have met people like this. They collect and trade in gossip, and they will interview you, debrief you, and confide and pry until they get all they can get. Often they literally have no interests except being a 'people person'. The worst one I had to deal with, I had to simply stop saying anything but hello to, if I saw her in the neighborhood.

If I had to interact, I guess I'd do like keberoxu has done, explain that I don't want to get so personal. Then there are evergreen responses to keep handy, like "why on earth would you ask that?" "I'm just trying to mind my own business", dead silence, and walking away.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 08 Sep 25 - 04:54 PM

Keb, how are you sleeping now? Is the new mattress comfortable enough to forget about it and just go to sleep?

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: keberoxu
Date: 08 Sep 25 - 05:09 PM

Sweet of you to ask, SRS. I am sleeping tolerably well now, although, maybe it's age, but it takes me longer to get to sleep these nights. The new mattress is an improvement. I just am struggling still to get used to sleeping in what still seems a new place. I have taken to leaving a light on, like a night light, and it seems to help me to feel comfortable enough to relax into sleeping.

The nosy neighbor is behaving herself since I told her, the one time, that she told me too much. Maybe there will be tension again in the future, but for now she is keeping a decent distance. I believe I can respond, in the future, without getting so upset as before.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: Mrrzy
Date: 08 Sep 25 - 07:59 PM

Argh, I shoild hang here more. Back on meds for anxiety * and* depression, more things going wrong in the world.

I'm a lot better when things are fine...