BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 03 Dec 11 - 01:27 PM

Just to clarify:

UK bill = US check [in sense of account presented for payment]

US bill = UK banknote

What a lovely fertile ground for the old transAtlantic flak!

~M~

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Bert
Date: 03 Dec 11 - 02:02 PM

and UK cheque = US Check drawn an your bank account.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 03 Dec 11 - 04:17 PM

It depends on the context.

When an American says "The envelope contained a hundred-dollar bill" it means (as a Brit would say) a banknote.

When an American says "The envelope contained a bill for a hundred dollars" it means an invoice (request for payment).

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: GUEST,pete from seven stars link
Date: 03 Dec 11 - 04:45 PM

sorry-i should have thought before i posted that it might be amiss across the pond!.it crossed my mind afterwards.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 03 Dec 11 - 08:52 PM

I just found this on a German web site:

Ein Vertreter fährt durch den Bayerischen Wald. Auf einmal sieht er am Straßenrand einen kleinen Jungen, der einen Hasen rammelt. Der Vertreter fährt entsetzt weiter. Ein paar Kilometer weiter sieht er einen alten Mann, der sich einen von der Palme wedelt. Der Vertreter ist total erschüttert und hält an der nächsten Tankstelle. Er erzählt dem Tankwart: 'Stellen sie sich vor, gerade hab ich einen kleinen Bub gesehen, der nen Hasen gerammelt hat!' Der Tankwart: 'Hmmm naja, Kinder halt.' - 'Ja und ein paar Minuten weiter hab ich einen alten Opa gesehen, der wie wild Onaniert hat! Wie erklären Sie mir das?' Darauf der Tankwart: 'Na, in dem Alter erwischt man halt so leicht keinen Hasen mehr...'

Here is how Google translates it:

A representative travels through the Bavarian forest. Suddenly he sees a little boy on the roadside, the shagging a rabbit. The representative goes on in horror. A few kilometers further, he sees an old man, waving to one of the palm. The representative is totally shocked and stops at the next gas station. He told the attendant: "Imagine for a moment, I've just seen a little boy that can be driven hare has packed! ' The gas station attendant: 'Hmmm well, just kids.' - 'Yes, and a few more minutes I saw an old grandpa, who has masturbated like crazy! How do you explain this to me? ' Then the gas station attendant: 'Well, at that age you just get caught so easily no more rabbits ...'

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 03 Dec 11 - 09:04 PM

Hey, this is fun! Somehow the jokes gain something in (bad) translation.

Vater: Ich werde dich mit einem Mädchen meiner Wahl verheiraten!
Sohn: Nein!
Vater: Es ist die Tochter von Bill Gates!
Sohn: Dann... Okay!
Vater geht zu Bill Gates
Vater: Ich will meinen Sohn mit deiner Tochter verheiraten!
Bill Gates: Nein!
Vater: Er ist der Geschäftsführer der World Bank!
Bill Gates: Dann... Okay!
Vater geht zur World Bank
Vater: Ich will, dass Sie meinen Sohn als Geschäftsführer einstellen!
World Bank: Nein!
Vater: Er ist der zukünftige Schwiegersohn von Bill Gates!
World Bank: Dann... Okay!

Now Google's translation:

Father: I'm going to marry a girl of my choice!
Son: No,
father: it is the daughter of Bill Gates!
Son: Then ... Okay
father goes to Bill Gates
's father, I will marry my son to your daughter!
Bill Gates: No,
father: He is the Managing Director of the World Bank!
Bill Gates: Then ... Okay
father goes to the World Bank's
Father: I want you to set up my son as manager!
World Bank: No,
father: he is the future son of Bill Gates!
World Bank: Then ... Okay!

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 03 Dec 11 - 09:14 PM

sind Blondinenwitze so kurz....?
Damit Männer sie verstehn.!!

*

are blonde jokes so short ....?
So they understand men.!

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 03 Dec 11 - 09:31 PM

[Sorry, I missed the word "Warum/Why" in the previous joke.]


..fahren 2 nonnen nach mainz. kommt ein schild MAINZ 8 killometer.
sagt die eine "mainz ist eins dreckiges loch"
sagt die andere "meins auch"

*

.. 2 nuns go to Mainz. MAINZ is a shield-8 killometer.
says one, "is a dirty hole mainz"
the other says "mine too"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Mrrzy
Date: 03 Dec 11 - 11:20 PM

Actually, that means "so that men can understand them" (the jokes, not the blondes).

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 04 Dec 11 - 01:35 AM

Mrrzy: Yeah, I figured that out. But it's a pretty lame joke that way. It's much funnier according to Google's bad translation.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Michael
Date: 05 Dec 11 - 09:41 AM

Where's Geoff when you need him? A duck with a £150 bill?

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: GUEST,pete from seven stars link
Date: 05 Dec 11 - 10:10 AM

..dead in the water..?

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Mrrzy
Date: 05 Dec 11 - 10:56 AM

What did the snail say on the turtle's back?

...Whee!

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: GUEST,Uncle_DaveO
Date: 05 Dec 11 - 04:01 PM

"The Rules Of Chocolate"

* If you've got melted chocolate all over your
hands, you're eating it too slowly.

* Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange
slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as
many as you want.

* The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate
home from the store in hot car. The solution: Eat it
in the parking lot.

* Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal.
It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat
less.

* A nice box of chocolates can provide your total
daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?

* If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in
the freezer.

* But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's
wrong with you?

* If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on
top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights,
and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect
themselves.

* If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and
white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't
they actually counteract each other?

* Money talks. Chocolate sings.

* Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives
make you look younger.

* Q. Why is there no such organization as
Chocoholics Anonymous?
A. Because no one wants to quit.

* If not for chocolate, there would be no need for
control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry
would be devastated.

* Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things
to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing
done.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: MudGuard
Date: 11 Dec 11 - 04:00 AM

Chocolate is healthy, it is vegetable!

You don't believe it?
I can prove it!

No one will argue that beans and beets are vegetable.

Now chocolate ingredients are mostly cocoa and sugar.

Sugar is made from sugar-beets, and cocoa is made from cocoa beans

Thus, chocolate is vegetable!

q.e.d.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: dick greenhaus
Date: 12 Dec 11 - 12:20 AM

at least as vegetable as pizza or ketchup.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 19 Dec 11 - 01:32 PM

Q. How many Republicans does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Ten.
One to call the handyman.
One to fire the handyman and replace him with an illegal immigrant working for subminimum wage.
One to orchestrate a leveraged buyout of the light-bulb company, lay off the staff, and outsource production to China.
One to lobby Congress for a massive tax break for the light-bulb importer.
And six right-wing conservative pundits to blame the failure of the light bulb on liberals, unions, illegal immigrants, and Obama.

—found at the web site of "A Prairie Home Companion" and updated a bit.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 20 Dec 11 - 02:33 AM

"That white animal over there with the shiny silver horns ~ is it a water buffalo?"

"No - it's a wash bison."

~M~

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 22 Dec 11 - 09:53 AM

"Double Check...."

At a Christmas party in Melbourne last year
the staff decided to pull a practical joke on
their boss who had a habit of playing serious
practical jokes on everyone else.

When he went to the toilet, they went through
his wallet and found his Tats Lotto Ticket. Then,
they wrote down his numbers and called over
the waitress to set up a little prank. She came
back half an hour later and asked if anyone
wanted to know the night's Lotto numbers,
then proceeded to read them out loud before
setting the numbers on the table.

The boss looked at the numbers, then casually
pulled out his from his wallet and compared
them. He became really silent, put his wallet
back in his jacket and sat down again, and
checked the numbers, very carefully.

Then, he sculled his drink, stood up on his chair
and shouted out to the whole room,

"I just want to let you all know something. I've
been having an affair with my secretary for
months. I don't like any of you, and I have hated
working for this company. You can shove it,
cause I've just won a truck-load of money, and
I'm leaving"

End of job.
End of marriage.
End of story.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 26 Dec 11 - 09:57 AM

A Politically Correct Christmas

And Joseph went up from Galilee to Bethlehem with Mary, his espoused wife, who was great with child. And she brought forth a son and wrapped him in swaddling clothes and laid him in a manger because there was no room for them in the inn. And the angel of the Lord spoke to the shepherds and said, "I bring you tidings of great joy. Unto you is born a Savior, which is Christ the Lord."

"There's a problem with the angel," said a Pharisee who happened to be strolling by. As he explained to Joseph, angels are widely regarded as religious symbols, and the stable was on public property where such symbols were not allowed to land or even hover.

"And I have to tell you, this whole thing looks to me very much like a Nativity scene," he said sadly. "That's a no-no, too."

Joseph had a bright idea. "What if I put a couple of reindeer over there near the ox and ass?" he said, eager to avoid sectarian strife.

"That would definitely help," said the Pharisee, who knew as well as anyone that whenever a savior appeared, judges usually liked to be on the safe side and surround it with deer or woodland creatures of some sort. "Just to clinch it, throw in a candy cane and a couple of elves and snowmen, too," he said. "No court can resist that."

Mary asked, "What does my son's birth have to do with snowmen?"

"Snowpersons!" cried a young woman, changing the subject before it veered dangerously toward religion.

Off to the side of the crowd, a Philistine was painting the Nativity scene. Mary complained that she and Joseph looked too tattered and worn in the picture. "Artistic license," he said. "I've got to show the plight of the haggard homeless in a greedy, uncaring society in winter," he explained.

"We're not haggard or homeless. The inn was just full," said Mary.

"Whatever," said the painter.

Two women began to argue fiercely. One said she objected to Jesus' birth "because it privileged motherhood." The other scoffed at virgin births, but said that if they encouraged more attention to diversity in family forms and the rights of single mothers, well, then, she was all for them.

"I'm not a single mother," Mary started to say, but she was cut off by a third woman who insisted that swaddling clothes are a form of child abuse, since they restrict the natural movement of babies.

With the arrival of 10 child advocates, all trained to spot infant abuse and manger rash, Mary and Joseph were pushed to the edge of the crowd, where arguments were breaking out over how many reindeer (or what mix of reindeer and seasonal sprites) had to be installed to compensate for the infant's unfortunate religious character.

An older man bustled up, bowling over two merchants who had been busy debating whether an elf is the same as a fairy and whether the elf/fairy should be shaking hands with Jesus in the crib or merely standing to the side, jumping around like a sports mascot.

"I'd hold off on the reindeer," the man said, explaining that the use of asses and oxen as picturesque backdrops for Nativity scenes carries the subliminal message of human dominance. He passed out two leaflets, one denouncing manger births as invasions of animal space, the other arguing that stables are "penned environments" where animals are incarcerated against their will. He had no opinion about elves or candy canes.

Signs declaring "Free the Bethlehem 2" began to appear, referring to the obviously exploited ass and ox. Someone said the halo on Jesus' head was elitist. Mary was exasperated. "And what about you, old mother?" she said sharply to an elderly woman. "Are you here to attack the shepherds as prison guards for excluded species, maybe to complain that singing in Latin identifies us with our Roman oppressors, or just to say that I should have skipped patriarchal religiosity and joined some dumb new-age goddess religion?"

"None of the above," said the woman, "I just wanted to tell you that the Magi are here." Sure enough, the three wise men rode up.

"They're all male!" the crowd gasped. "And not very multicultural!"

"Balthasar here is black," said one of the Magi.

"Yes, but how many of you are gay or disabled?" someone shouted. A committee was quickly formed to find an impoverished lesbian wise-person among the halt and lame of Bethlehem.

A calm voice said, "Be of good cheer, Mary, for you have done well and your son will change the world." At last, a sane person, Mary thought. She turned to see a radiant and confident female face. The woman spoke again: "There is one thing, though. Religious holidays are important, but can't we learn to celebrate them in ways that unite, not divide? For instance, instead of all this business about 'Gloria in excelsis Deo,' why not just 'Season's Greetings'?"

Mary said, "You mean my son has entered human history to deliver the message, 'Hello, it's winter'?"

"That's harsh, Mary," said the woman. "Remember, your son could make it big in midwinter festivals, if he doesn't push the religion thing too far. Centuries from now, in nations yet unborn, people will give each other pricey gifts and have big office parties on his birthday. That's not chopped liver."

"Let me get back to you," Mary said.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 26 Dec 11 - 10:03 AM

The 12 Days of Christmas After Reengineering

Global challenges require the North Pole to continue to take more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary.

The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic plant, providing savings in maintenance costs.

The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during the working hours could not be condoned under the company "zero tolerance" sexual harassment policy. Both positions are, therefore, eliminated.

The three French hens will remain intact and we may actually expand the number of hens used. A recent time-motion-profitability study proved that using illegal migratory fowl is extremely profitable as it eliminates the company's need to provide employee benefits because the hens do not meet federal residency requirements.

The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked, and whether the calling function can be replaced by e-mail.

The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order.

The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of their decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by the Personnel Department will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.

The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. Their function is primarily decorative. Replacement mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes to better enhance their outplacement.

As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility.

Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps. Let the reengineering team hasten to add that company policy prohibits age discrimination, and any layoffs must be justified using a business case to preclude any employee lawsuits.

Ten Lords-a-Leaping is overkill. The high costs of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed because of the high average weight of retired congressmen, significant savings should result due to the number of congressmen left unemployed after the recent election.

Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music and the elimination of uniforms will produce significant savings to the bottom line.

Though incomplete, studies by our consultants indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop-ship in one day using a "just in time" system, service levels will be improved and we can expect a substantial reduction in the use of part-time personnel.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 26 Dec 11 - 10:10 AM

Christmas and Hanukkah to Merge

Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was announced today that Christmas and Hanukkah will merge. An industry source said that the deal had been in the works for about 1,300 years.

While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Hanukkah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, spokesman say, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the Fifteen Days of Chrismukah, as the new holiday is being called.

Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being the hardest hit. As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience.

Also, instead of translating to "A great miracle happened there," the message on the dreydl will be the more generic "Miraculous stuff happens." In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering gifts.

One of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa even after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally declared Kosher. All sides appeared happy about this.

A spokesman for Christmas, Inc., declined to say whether a takeover of Kwanzaa might not be in the works as well. He merely pointed out that, were it not for the independent existence of Kwanzaa, the merger between Christmas and Chanukah might indeed be seen as an unfair cornering of the holiday market. Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the competitive balance. He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of "Oy Vey, All Ye Faithful".

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: MudGuard
Date: 26 Dec 11 - 05:40 PM

modern version of the christmas story