BS: Any New Jokes?

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: mooman
Date: 13 Nov 03 - 11:48 AM

The Dead Duck

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgery. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry; Cuddles has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead", he replied.

"How can you be so sure", she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table, and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog, and took it out, returning a few moments later with a beautiful cat.

The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150", she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20. But, with the lab report and the cat scan...."

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 13 Nov 03 - 09:57 PM

Once upon a time in England, a very mean witch was terrorizing the local population, who finally went to see a wizard to see what could be done about her. The wizard gave them a potion that would turn the witch into a statue.

The townspeople managed to put the potion in the witch's food. When she found out about this, she turned green with rage, but it was too late and the potion worked as expected.

The jubilant population had a big celebration and parade, and placed the petrified witch in a park as a public example.

Pretty soon, people discovered that the witch had been frozen in a position that made her a perfect sundial, and started using her to tell the time of day.

The custom grew and even today, people often refer to Mean Green Witch Time.

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Mickey191
Date: 14 Nov 03 - 02:58 PM

Some of these toward the end have been labor intensive. Brevity being the soul of wit:

Any man who can't find what he's looking for in a hundred women, is really looking for a boy.

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Peace
Date: 14 Nov 03 - 07:19 PM

But, for sheer ecstasy, a melon!

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Mickey191
Date: 15 Nov 03 - 01:53 AM

What ever turns you on Brucie.

A young man returns to the little town of Slobodka, after a three year absence in Paris. He was an apt student & sophisticated in matters of sex. He marries his childhood sweetheart and on the wedding night goes thru a series of manual, oral & anal gymnastics, which end as he stands on the footboard of the bed and makes a perfect swan-dive into vaginal coitus with her. She complains to her parents, and they take her to the local Rabbi. He is so shocked by the story, he hits the groom on the head with the Talmud and declares the marriage annulled.The young man appeals the case to the head Rabbi in St. Petersberg. The bride's father appears and describes in detail the wedding night's gymnastics. The old Rebby listens, rubbing his beard and finally announces the groom was within his rights and the marriage is valid. "But our Rabbi said --" the Father begins to expostulate. "My dear man," says the Rabbi sympathetically,"What would a little Rabbi in Slabodka know about fancy fucking?"

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Peace
Date: 15 Nov 03 - 04:41 PM

Mickey191: you are a sick man. Good joke. But a ripe melon.

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: GUEST
Date: 15 Nov 03 - 11:09 PM

Why are Episcopaleans bad at chess?





















Because they can't tell the difference between a bishop and a queen.

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: GUEST,ron
Date: 15 Nov 03 - 11:36 PM

how do you get a one armed polish man out of a tree








Wave to him

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Mickey191
Date: 16 Nov 03 - 01:40 AM

WARNING FOR OUR WOMEN FRIENDS!!

BE VERY CAREFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WARNING! ANOTHER SCAM!

Please send this to all of the women you know!!
WARNING!!!!!

If a man comes to your front door and says he is conducting a survey and he
asks you to show him your boobs:
DO NOT SHOW HIM YOUR BOOBS!
This is a scam, and he is only trying to SEE YOUR BOOBS. I wish I had heard
about this before yesterday...... I feel so stupid.

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Peace
Date: 16 Nov 03 - 01:52 AM

But they were very nice!

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Mickey191
Date: 16 Nov 03 - 10:01 AM

And now Brucie you see the error of your ways--I'm a goil. Thanks for the compliment. I should have invited you in for a cup of tea. I had a nice ripe Honeydew.

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Peace
Date: 16 Nov 03 - 02:21 PM

Mickey191,

lmao

You are indeed a character. If I'd known, I'd have sung a song, for music hath charms to soothe the savage breast.

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Rapparee
Date: 17 Nov 03 - 08:14 AM

A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.

She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"

The clerk says, "What denomination?"

The woman says, "God help us. Has it come to this?!
Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptist!"

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Mickey191
Date: 17 Nov 03 - 12:58 PM

Old Lady knocks on the Hells Angels Clubhouse Door. Fellow who's Big, tatooed and dressed in leather answers and asks what she wants. "I want to join the Angels, want to ride with you." He laughs & begins to ask questions: Where's your bike-what kind-what do you do for fun-do you drink? Old Lady replies: "I have a Harley Hog, I can keep up with you guys any day of the week, I love weed, I drink 150 proof tequila." The fellow is impressed and asks one last question: "Have you ever been caught by the Fuzz?"

"No, but I've been swung by my nipples a few times."

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: GUEST,pdq
Date: 17 Nov 03 - 01:23 PM

A lady stops into a pet shop and sees a beautiful McCaw parrot for $99.
She asks the salesman " why so cheap?".

Salesman explains the the bird came from a house of prostitution and
sometimes uses coarse language.

The lady, not being that sensitive to such things, quickly agreed to buy
parrot, and took it home.

When her daughter came home from school and walked through the
front door, the bird yelled out at full volume "new whore, new whore".

The daughter cracked up laughing and agreed that the bird was a
welcome addition to the household.

Later, her husband came home and was greeted by "Hi Fred!".

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Donuel
Date: 17 Nov 03 - 04:14 PM

http://www.angelfire.com/md2/customviolins/bushprovis1a.jpg

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Rapparee
Date: 17 Nov 03 - 09:13 PM

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was well known for his
wisdom.
One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who said
excitedly: "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your
students?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before telling me anything I'd
like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

"Triple filter?"

"That's right," Socrates continued "Before you talk to me about my
student, it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what
you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made
absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and ...."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true
or not.

Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you
are about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary ..."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, but you're not certain it's true. You may still pass the test though, because there's one filter left: the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither
true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?"

This is why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high
esteem.

It also explains why he never found out that Plato was banging his
wife.

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Peace
Date: 17 Nov 03 - 10:53 PM

lol. Great.

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 18 Nov 03 - 12:06 AM

A saleswoman is driving home in Northern Arizona when she sees a Navajo woman hitchhiking. Because the trip has been long and quiet, she stops the car and the Navajo woman climbs in.

During their small talk, the Navajo woman glances surreptitiously at a brown bag on the front seat between them.

"If you're wondering what's in the bag," offers the saleswoman, "it's a bottle of wine I got for my husband."

The Navajo woman is silent for awhile, nods several times and says,

"Good trade."

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 18 Nov 03 - 12:10 AM

While the man savored a double martini at the local bar, an attractive women sat down next to him.

The bartender served her a glass of orange juice.

The man turned to her and said, "This is a special day. I'm celebrating."

"I'm celebrating, too," she replied, clinking glasses with him.

"What are you celebrating?" he asked.

"For years I've been trying to have a child," she answered, "Today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"Congratulations," the man said, lifting his glass. "As it happens, I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile. But today they're finally fertile."

"How did it happen?" she asked.

"I switched cocks."

"What a coincidence," she said, smiling.

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 18 Nov 03 - 12:24 AM

An English doctor is being shown around a Scottish hospital during the Great War. At the end of his visit, he is shown into a ward with a number of patients who show no obvious signs of injury.

He goes to examine the first man he sees, and the man proclaims:
"Fair fa' yer sonsie face, Great chieftain e' the puddin' race! Aboon them a' ye tak your place, painch tripe or thairm: Weel are ye wordy o' a grace as lang's my arm."

The Englishman, somewhat taken aback, goes to the next patient, and immediately the patient launches into: "Some hae meat, and canna eat, And some wad eat that want it, But we hae meat and we can eat, And sae the Lord be thankit."

This continues with the next patient: "Wee sleekit cow'rin tim'rous beastie, O what a panic's in thy breastie! Thou need na start awa sae hasty, Wi bickering brattle I wad be laith to run and chase thee, Wi murdering prattle!"

"Well," the Englishman mutters to his Scottish colleague, "I see you saved the psychiatric ward for the last."

"Nay, nay," the Scottish doctor corrected him, "this is the Serious Burns unit."

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Deda
Date: 18 Nov 03 - 12:52 AM

There's a teacher in a small Texas town. She asks her class how many of them are Bush fans. Not really knowing what a Bush fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raise their hands except one boy, Johnny.

The teacher asks Johnny why he has decided to be different. Johnny says, "I'm not a Bush fan."

The teacher says, "Why aren't you a Bush fan?" Johnny says, "I'm a Howard Dean fan."

The teacher asks why he's a Howard Dean fan. The boy says, "Well, my mom and my Dad are Howard Dean fans, so I'm a Howard Dean fan!"

The teacher is kind of angry, because this is Texas, so she says, "What if you're mom
was a moron and you're dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"

Johnny says, "That would make me a Bush fan!"

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Mickey191
Date: 18 Nov 03 - 01:08 AM

Deda, That Johnny is one smart kid! Too bad he can't vote.

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: McMusic
Date: 18 Nov 03 - 02:44 AM

Q: What do you call a blind deer?
A: No eye deer.

Q: What do you call a blind deer with no legs?
A: Still no eye deer.

Q: What do you call a blind deer with no legs that is in rut?
A: Still f***ing no eye deer.

ANOTHER ONE:
Three men are standing before St. Peter.
"How much did you earn last year?" He asked the first soul.
"St. Peter, I made $275,000."
"What did you do for a living?" St. Peter then asked.
"I was a doctor."
St. Peter nodded and waved him through the gates.

He repeated the question to the second soul.
"St. Peter," the second soul replied, "I made $150, 000."
"What did you do for a living to make tha much?"
"Why, St. Peter, I was a lawyer."
St. Peter nodded and waved him through the gates.

The third soul now stepped up.
"And how much money did you make last year"
St. Peter, I made $10, 000."
To which, St. Peter then asked, "What musical instrument did you play?

Cheers.
Kevin

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: the lemonade lady
Date: 18 Nov 03 - 12:27 PM

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a holiday." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks him how much he wants to borrow. The frog says £30,000. The teller asks his name and the frog say's it's Kermit Jagger and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager. Patti explains that £30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he would need to secure some collateral. The frog says, "Sure, I have this," and produces a tiny pink elephant, about half an inch tall and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow 30 grand. And he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what on earth is it?" The bank manager replies, "It's a knick-knack Patti Whack, give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 18 Nov 03 - 12:33 PM

GROAN! I saw that one coming from a long way off. . . and I still read it! Very well done!

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: GUEST,pdc
Date: 18 Nov 03 - 08:51 PM

Why don't WASPs like orgies?
Too many thank-you notes to write.

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Amos
Date: 18 Nov 03 - 09:00 PM

How can you tell the bride at a WASP wedding?

She's the one kissing the golden retriever.

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: SueB
Date: 19 Nov 03 - 12:25 AM

So, a panda walks into a bar...orders a sandwich, refuses to pay, draws a gun and fires it at the waitress, and takes off. The bartender looks up "panda" in the encyclopedia: it says, "Eats shoots and leaves."

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: GUEST,pdq
Date: 19 Nov 03 - 02:47 PM

In the 1950s a music critic was asked to go see a new saxophone
player at a local club. This was the umpteenth sax player he had
endured in the recent years.

One of the player's friends came up regularly and asked questions
like "what do you think of his style?" and "how about his tone?". When
the fan asked the critic "what do you think of his execution?", the
man replied "I'm in favor of it!"

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 19 Nov 03 - 03:14 PM

A flasher was running through the park, where he approached a bench with three little old ladies.

He stopped, flashed open his raincoat, and the first little old lady had a stroke. He flashed the second old lady, and she had a stroke.

He flashed the third little old lady, but she couldn't reach that far.

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Midchuck
Date: 19 Nov 03 - 03:22 PM

SueB: That joke was originally about a tired old prostitute and a Koala Bear, and was in vastly worse taste than your version. Vastly.

Peter.

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Mickey191
Date: 19 Nov 03 - 05:16 PM

Fellow wants the local police to arrest his neighbor for petty theft. Cop asks,"What did he steal?" Guy says, "My wife---a piece at a time."


Very picky lady is reviewing the dinner menu and can't decide. Waiter says, "The tongue is very tasty tonight." She says, "Do you think I would put something in my mouth that has been in somebody elses mouth?" He thinks a moment and says,"How about an egg sandwich?"

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: SueB
Date: 19 Nov 03 - 11:12 PM

Peter. Eew. The mind boggles. Speaking of bad taste,

"Mom, why does the dog keep licking his a**hole?"
"He's trying to get the taste of your father's meatballs out of his mouth."

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 20 Nov 03 - 02:06 AM

A longer one:

Mother to her daughter:
"And always remeber - the ideal man man to marry must be thrifty, stupid and chaste."
After a long weekend the daughter tells her mother:
"Mummy, I think I have found him!
He is thrifty: he rented only one room for us both.
He is stupid: He put the pillow under my butt.
And he is chaste: He had him still wrapped in plastic."

And here a short one, musical:
Two trombone players are passing a pub ...

Wilfried

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: gnu
Date: 26 Nov 03 - 06:01 AM

A woman is approaching a very small Bistro. She calls the barkeeper and when he is standing in front of her she asks him in a very seductive way to come nearer. Then she bends over the desk and starts to carress his beard. "Are you the boss of this Bistro?" she asks and touches tenderly his cheek.
"Ehhh. No. Not at all!" the barkeeper replies.
"Would you please call him here?" the lady asks and gently touches his hair.
"Oh, I'm very sorry. But no. Impossible!" the barkeeper sighs who has - no doubt - fun with this situation.
"Would you then please do me a great favour?" the lady asks and follows gently the line of his lips.
"Of course. What ever you wish!" the barkeeper moans.
"I want to leave a message for the boss!" she says and let first one - then two - fingers slip into his mouth which he gently sucks on.
"What message?" the barkeeper asks with the two fingers in his mouth.
"Please tell him that there is no paper, nor soap, nor towel in the lady's toilet!"

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: GUEST,pdc
Date: 27 Nov 03 - 12:50 PM

I don't know if this is an urban legend, or a true story. I hope it's true -- but it's so good, it doesn't really matter.

A thief burst into a Florida bank one day wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled, "FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A ****-UP!" For a moment, everyone was silent.

Then the snickers started. The guard completely lost it and doubled
over laughing. It probably saved his life, because he'd been about to
draw his gun. He couldn't have drawn and fired before the thief got him.

The embarrassed thief ran away and is still at large. In memory of the
event, the banker later put a plaque on the wall engraved with the words, "Freeze, mother-stickers, this is a ****-up!"

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Cluin
Date: 27 Nov 03 - 07:14 PM

I heard the other day that Rick Fielding was parked downtown and halfway to the bank when he remembered that he'd left his car door unlocked and his banjo sitting out in plain view on the back seat.

He turned around and rushed back, but it was already too late.

Somebody had already gotten there first and there were three more banjos tossed on top of his.

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Gareth
Date: 27 Nov 03 - 07:51 PM

May not qualify as a new joke 'cos I whipped it from another website, but I think it's worth passing on.

"It's all about training ...

Careless Code Recycling Causes Killer Kangas:
Mutant Marsupials Take Up Arms Against Australian Air Force

The reuse of some object-oriented code has caused tactical headaches for Australia's armed forces. As virtual reality simulators assume larger roles in helicopter combat training, programmers have gone to great lengths to increase the realism of their scenarios, including detailed landscapes and -- in the case of the Northern Territory's Operation Phoenix, herds of kangaroos (since disturbed animals might well give away a helicopter's position).

The head of the Defense Science & Technology Organization's Land Operations/Simulation division reportedly instructed developers to model the local marsupials' movements and reactions to helicopters. Being efficient programmers, they just re-appropriated some code originally used to model infantry detachment reactions under the same stimuli, changed the mapped icon from a soldier to a kangaroo, and increased the figures' speed of movement.

Eager to demonstrate their flying skills for some visiting American pilots, the hotshot Aussies "buzzed" the virtual kangaroos in low flight during a simulation. The kangaroos scattered, as predicted, and the visiting Americans nodded appreciatively ... then did a double-take as the kangaroos reappeared from behind a hill and launched a barrage of Stinger missiles at the hapless helicopter. (Apparently the programmers had forgotten to remove that part of the infantry coding.)

The lesson?

Objects are defined with certain attributes, and any new object defined in terms of an old one inherits all the attributes. The embarrassed programmers had learned to be careful when reusing object-oriented code, and the Yanks left with a newfound respect for Australian wildlife.

Simulator supervisors report that pilots from that point onward have strictly avoided kangaroos, just as they were meant to."


Taliban 'Roos ??

Gareth

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 27 Nov 03 - 08:00 PM

Schwarzenegger has a big one

Michael J. Fox has a small one

Madonna doesn't have one

The Pope has one but doesn't use his

Clinton uses his all the time

Mickey Mouse has an unusual one

Liberace never used his on women

Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.

Cher claims that she took on 3.

We never saw Lucy use Desi's

What is it?

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

A Last Name."

You didn't think I'd send you a dirty joke, did you?

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: wysiwyg
Date: 28 Nov 03 - 02:10 PM

This just in:

At a press conference today, Tipper Gore announced that she's going back on the campaign trail with her husband, former Vice President Al Gore.

"To prepare myself," she said, "I have shaved off all my pubic hair. From now until the election, I shall sit on the stage with Al, and may occasionally flash my legs apart without wearing any panties. This will send a strong message to America."

"Just what is that message, Mrs. Gore?" gasped astonished reporters at the news of this rather startling announcement.

To which Tipper replied, "Read my lips, no more Bush."

~S~

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Mickey191
Date: 29 Nov 03 - 10:41 AM

An old maid tells the young lawyer who's making her will that she has ten thousand dollars. She wants five thousand put aside for burial costs, and the rest is for him --- if he'll spend the night with her---so that she will not die a virgin. Three days later the lawyer hasn't come home. His wife goes to the old maid's house and demands. "Where's my husband?" " He's here. I decided to let the town bury me."

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Rapparee
Date: 29 Nov 03 - 09:24 PM

THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY AT THANKSGIVING....

"Talk about a huge breast!"

"Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist."

"It's Cool Whip time!"

"If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!"

"Whew, that's one terrific spread!"

"I'm in the mood for a little dark meat."

"Are you ready for seconds yet?"

"It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?"

"Just wait your turn, you'll get some!"

"Don't play with your meat."

"Just spread the legs open & stuff it in."

"Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?"

"I didn't expect everyone to come at once!"

"You still have a little bit on your chin."

"Use a nice smooth stroke when you whip it."

"How long will it take after you stick it in?"

"You'll know it's ready when it pops up."

"Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!"

"How many are coming?"

"That's the biggest one I've ever seen!"

"Just lay back & take it easy...I'll do the rest."

"How long do I beat it before it's ready?"

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Mickey191
Date: 29 Nov 03 - 11:10 PM

Have not thought of this one in years-but Rapaire's post above brought it to mind.

Old lady goes to the butcher shop for a chicken. Tells the butcher,"bout 4 pounds, nice & plump."He brings one out to her on butcher's paper, she checks it over, no feathers, nice & white, she spreads the legs and puts her nose in the cavity and takes a deep breath to see if it's fresh. The butcher is ticked off & says, "Hey Lady, do you think you could you pass that test?"

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Big Tim
Date: 30 Nov 03 - 03:43 PM

About 20 years ago a Northern Ireland unionist politician said that "all Catholics should be incinerated". Henceforth he was known a a burn again Christian. (This is a true one!)

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: GUEST
Date: 30 Nov 03 - 06:07 PM

Did he get reelected?

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 30 Nov 03 - 07:00 PM

Subject: hotel soap

What to Do With Hotel Soap

The following letters are taken from an actual incident between a London hotel and one of it's guests. The Hotel ended up submitting the letters to the London Sunday Times!
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Maid,

Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.

Thank you, S. Berman

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Room 635,

I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management is to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is
satisfactory.

Kathy, Relief Maid

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Maid - I hope you are my regular maid.

Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc.
Please remove them.

S. Berman

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr. Berman,

My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which we are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object to when you checked in last Monday. Please let me know if
I can of further assistance.

Your regular maid, Dotty

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr. Berman,

The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this morning that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.Thank you.

Elaine Carmen Housekeeper

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Dear Miss Carmen,

It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 7:45 AM and don't get back before 5:30 or 6PM. That's the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bath-room shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me?

S. Berman

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Dear Mr. Berman,

Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.
Thank you,

Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper

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Dear Mr. Kensedder,

My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.

S. Berman

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Dear Mr. Berman,

I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.

Martin L. Kensedder Assistant Manager

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Dear Mrs. Carmen,

Who the **** left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one **** bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize I have 54 bars of soap in here. All I want is my bath size Dial. Please give me back my bath-size Dial.

S. Berman

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Dear Mr. Berman,

You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed. Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily. I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room.

Elaine Carmen Housekeeper

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Dear Mrs. Carmen,

Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory. As of today I possess:

- On the shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.

- On the Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.

- On the bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet,

- 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.

- Inside the medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.

- In the shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.

- On the northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.

- On the northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.

Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid
further misunderstandings.

S. Berman

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Bill D
Date: 30 Nov 03 - 07:58 PM

A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Queensland with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week but this is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and we will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh please pack my new blue silk pyjamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught any fish…

He says "Yes, a lot of Trout, some Redfin, and a few Catties. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to do?"

The wife replies. "I did, they were in your tacklebox!"

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Bill D
Date: 30 Nov 03 - 08:01 PM

Back in the day..

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school uphill both ways through year 'round blizzards carrying their younger siblings on their backs to their one-room schoolhouse where they maintained a straight-A average despite their full-time after-school job at the local textile mill where they worked for 35 cents an hour just to help keep their family from starving to death!

I remember promising myself that when I got old, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it. But..Now that I've reached the ripe old age of twenty-nine, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!

I hate to say it - but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it. I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet - we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves. And there was no email! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen - and then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox; it would take like a week to get there!

There were no MP3s or Napster. You wanted to steal music, you had to go to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself, or we had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and f@#* it all up.

You want to hear about hardship? You couldn't just download porn, you had to bribe some homeless dude to buy you a copy of "Hustler" at the 7- 11.

We didn't have fancy stuff like Call Waiting. If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal. We didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes, either. When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was it could be your boss, your Mom, a collections agent, your drug dealer, you didn't know! You just had to pick it up and take your chances, mister.

We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics. We had the Atari 2600! With games like "Space Invaders" and "Asteroids" and the graphics sucked ass! Your guy was a little square, you had to use your imagination. There were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever! You could never win, the game just kept getting harder and faster until you died - just like LIFE.

When you went to the movie theater, there was no such thing as stadium seating. All the seats were the same height. If a tall guy sat in front of you, you were screwed!

Sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 20 channels, and there was no on-screen menu. You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on - and there was no Cartoon Network! You could only get cartoons on Saturday morning...We had to wait ALL WEEK to watch them, you spoiled little bastards!

Kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled, I swear to God. You guys wouldn't lasted five minutes back in 1984!

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 30 Nov 03 - 09:58 PM

Good One Bill!