Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020 From: gillymor Date: 27 Feb 20 - 09:24 AM An old man walks into a Catholic church and enters the confessional, the following conversation ensues: Old Man: Father, last night I picked up two gorgeous Danish stewardesses in a bar, took them to my hotel and made passionate love to them all night long. Priest: I see, but I don't recognize your voice, are you a member of this parish? Old Man: No. Priest: Well, are you even Catholic? Old Man: No, I'm Jewish. Priest: Well then why are you telling me this? Old Man: Hell, Father, I'm telling every one! |
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020 From: Joe_F Date: 27 Feb 20 - 05:45 PM "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I've become a prostitute." "You've become *what*?" "A prostitute, Father." "God be praised! I thought at first you said a Protestant." |
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020 From: Mr Red Date: 28 Feb 20 - 03:23 AM Mick Jagger & Keith Richard go to a restaurant and have the chicken cooked by Sam 'n Ella - it is fatal. A case of one bird killing two stones. |
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020 From: Georgiansilver Date: 29 Feb 20 - 06:43 AM Ernie was admitted to his care home many years ago. He had for those many years talked about his sexual desires not being met or encouraged and most people thought it to be a joke. He was a very pleasant mannered man and very easy going. Always sympathetic towards the staff and helpful when he could be with the residents. He was an eighty nine year old, still talking about his lack of sexual activity, so when his ninetieth Birthday came along, the staff got together to try to arrange something they thought he would really appreciate. One ingenious member of staff suggested that they hire a 'strippagram' lady, to give him a thrill on his big day and this quickly became an established idea. The Senior staff, contacted a lady who advertised locally and the scene was set. On his big day, Ernie was conveniently sat at a table, across from the main door to the dining room, where his party was being held. As his Birthday cake was being brought around and the wine and sherry distributed, the music started and Ernie looked up to see where it was coming from, only to see a scantily clad woman crossing the floor towards him. She moved quickly to where Ernie was sat and pranced sexily round him, for a few minutes, until the music stopped. She looked him straight in the eyes and he very loudly asked 'What do you want'?..... She smiled a broad sexy smile and replied 'I've come to give you Supersexxxxxxxxx'!!!!. He paused for a few seconds then replied ' I think I'll have the soup'. |
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020 From: Michael Date: 29 Feb 20 - 07:43 AM "Mam! There's a man at the door with a bill" "It can't be a man with a bill; it must be a duck with a hat on". Credit - Clive Heenan some time in the 1960's. |
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020 From: Donuel Date: 29 Feb 20 - 08:01 AM This just in... In an effort to profit from and combat the Chinese novel Coronavirus , Uberstrumfuerher Trump ordered faith healer Mike Pense to put Tariffs on all imported Chinese virus immediately. too soon? |
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020 From: Steve Shaw Date: 29 Feb 20 - 11:33 AM Your obsession with constantly bringing Trump into your supposed jokes is getting incredibly tiresome. Unfunny in the extreme. |
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020 From: Donuel Date: 29 Feb 20 - 12:57 PM "There you go again' Ronald Reagan |
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020 From: gillymor Date: 29 Feb 20 - 01:31 PM What's the difference between a chick pea and a garbanzo bean? Donald Trump has never had a garbanzo bean on him. |
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020 From: Mr Red Date: 01 Mar 20 - 07:52 AM supposed jokes is getting incredibly tiresome. Unfunny in the extreme. Each to his own, carping on a joke thread is decidedly unfunny. Just like Trumps tweets in fact. |
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020 From: Steve Shaw Date: 01 Mar 20 - 08:12 AM I provide a damn sight more laughs than you do, old chap. I want to keep it as a JOKE thread. Carping on, eh? I've haddock up to here with you and your little dabs at me. It's about time you learned your plaice. So what are you whiting for, pollack? Just let minnow when you're up for it... |
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020 From: Donuel Date: 02 Mar 20 - 08:40 AM If you were not as uncommonly similar to Trump as you are Steve, we would not love you so much. You are the greatest. Because the herd was pre sorted by gender Juan Gonzales found out too late that all the Dairy Llamas he had milked were males. |
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020 From: Donuel Date: 02 Mar 20 - 08:50 AM Afterall it takes a rare and unique person like yourself to blow a seal at a shell station and get filled up. |
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020 From: Donuel Date: 02 Mar 20 - 09:01 AM Perhaps gross jokes are his "cup of tea". 6 gay guys were in a hot tub when a big glob of semen came spooling up to the top of the churning water. He said, "who farted?" |
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020 From: Donuel Date: 02 Mar 20 - 09:20 AM Steve does not have a little ego. He has an Egosaur that never heals. |
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020 From: Steve Shaw Date: 02 Mar 20 - 10:10 AM And you have shit for brains. Knock it off and find something useful to do. |
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020 From: gillymor Date: 02 Mar 20 - 10:38 AM If we're going in for "gross jokes" then how did Liberace know that he had 6 weeks to live? A gerbil crawled out of his butt and saw it's shadow. |
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020 From: Donuel Date: 02 Mar 20 - 02:41 PM That was cute, now if you want GROSS... er delicate Stevie is here but first Oogle! |
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020 From: Donuel Date: 02 Mar 20 - 03:19 PM There are many bogus and preposterous cures for Corona virus emerging. India is using clove nose drops with a secret ingredient. Mexico is so superstitious they rely on witch doctors. Now the US has an organic cure that is going Facebook viral, .5 grams of grated White Nationalist testicles. Beware of imitations. They advise you get it in person. Make white nationalists grate again. |
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020 From: Mr Red Date: 03 Mar 20 - 04:53 AM I provide a damn sight more laughs than you do, old chap. Yea, not conceited either, but you obviously have every reason to be. |
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020 From: Steve Shaw Date: 03 Mar 20 - 05:27 AM It's true, unfortunately. And you missed the spirit of my post, didn't you? I thought to myself at the time, eel miss the point for sure, will that Mr Red, and instead of laughing eel simply gurn 'ard... |
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020 From: Jim Carroll Date: 03 Mar 20 - 05:33 AM I worked fro a time for Liverpool Housing Department as a maintenance electrician The office I booked in at had a framed letter hanging on the wall from a woman tenant reading: "Please send man, have been using candles all week" Jim Carroll |
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020 From: Steve Shaw Date: 03 Mar 20 - 07:44 AM I got an excuse note from a lad in my class years ago which read "Dear Mr Shaw, John couldn't come to school yesterday with his stomach." |
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020 From: Bee-dubya-ell Date: 03 Mar 20 - 08:53 PM Never believe anything an atom tells you. They make up everything. |
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020 From: Mr Red Date: 04 Mar 20 - 03:38 AM eel miss the point for sure, Hardly - I replied with a joke (in a fucking joke thread!), obvious not funny to someone who has heard it before, but recognised as one of a certain class of joke, reversal of the obvious. In a pub, the person trying to be humorous would have a facial expression, which, in the digital pub, emoticons serve. Human communication is not all verbal, some people don't realise that in cyberspace. Yet they have the arrogance to think people can see their intent purely from text, and the arrogance to think they can read other peoples' minds across the ether. Not funny, but apposite. |
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020 From: Jim Carroll Date: 04 Mar 20 - 05:10 AM A leper playing poker threw his hand in (still haven't heard my first Corona Virus Joke yet except the one in yesterday's paper about the man who walked into a shop wearing a mask When everyone backed away in panic he said, "Don't worry, I've come in to rob you" Jim Carroll |
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020 From: Steve Shaw Date: 04 Mar 20 - 05:51 AM Nice one, Jim! Tell me: do you, Red, gurn 'ard? |
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020 From: Jim Carroll Date: 04 Mar 20 - 11:23 AM (sorry Steve - don't understand Steve) Somewhat non PC but very popular here Two flies climbing up a window frame - which one is the Catholic ? The one that shits on the sash Sorry Jim |
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020 From: Steve Shaw Date: 04 Mar 20 - 12:12 PM Red gurnard is a fish, Jim. I've been using fish puns on an extremely unappreciative Mr Red for a while. He's a cold fish... |
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020 From: Jim Carroll Date: 05 Mar 20 - 04:30 AM Thanks Steve - thought you were asking if I read 'The Grauniad' Heard on a CND anti-warhip demonstration at Pembroke Dock in my youth "What's this I 'ear about you goin' round tellin' everybody my 'usband 'as a wart on the end of 'is willie, Mrs Jones ?" "Ooooh - I never said no such thing, Mrs Evans, I only said it felt like 'e 'ad" Jim |
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020 From: Jim Carroll Date: 05 Mar 20 - 04:30 AM Thanks Steve - thought you were asking if I read 'The Grauniad' Heard on a CND anti-warhip demonstration at Pembroke Dock in my youth "What's this I 'ear about you goin' round tellin' everybody my 'usband 'as a wart on the end of 'is willie, Mrs Jones ?" "Ooooh - I never said no such thing, Mrs Evans, I only said it felt like 'e 'ad" Jim |
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020 From: Jim Carroll Date: 05 Mar 20 - 06:18 AM Another Welsh joke A Liverpool man takes a week's holiday in a small Welsh village - on the first day he walks down the street saying 'good morning' to everybody he meets - he was greeted with silence each time He tells the barman that night in the pub and is told, 'We're Welsh speakers around here, if you want to make contact try saying 'iechyd da' (yaki da) Next morning he sets off and immediately sees a grease covered man stretched out under a car fiddling with the engine "iechyd da" he chirps out "Fuck off, you smug Taffy bastard" comes the reply Jim Carroll |
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020 From: Georgiansilver Date: 05 Mar 20 - 07:21 AM Jim Carroll. When the leper threw in a rotten hand, his mates laughed their heads off. |
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020 From: Jim Carroll Date: 05 Mar 20 - 12:40 PM " his mates laughed their heads off" Gorgeous - GS Can't remember if I posted this - the last story we recorded from Traveller, Mikeen McCarthy just before he died Mickey Delaney was a half-Traveller, half tramp way back in Caherciveen when I was young He never had a tent or a caravan, but would come into town carrying his tools on his shoulder at the beginning of Winter each year, find somewhere to sleep rough and look for work to feed himself until the Spring Every year he'd arrive in town, go straight to Dr Clifford's house, knock on the door and ask - "Do you have anything for a back back" or "do you have anything for a stomach ache" or "do you have anything for a pain in the head"..... The Doctor would always invite him in, give him a slap-up meal and a £5 note and send him on his way This went on for years until, one particularly bad winter Mickey was spotted on the outskirts of town but after that, there was no sign of him The townspeople became worried and set up a search - they eventually found him frozen to death in an old barn They went to see Dr Clifford for a death certificate and when they explained what had happened Clifford said, "I came to this town as a young man intending to marry and raise a family here, so I bought a family plot in the graveyard - I never married, so you might as well bury Mickey up there - plenty of room for two They did just that, had a drink in the bar to his memory and buried him -Doctor Clifford paid for the funeral Years rolled by and eventually the Doctor passed away - the townspeople buried him next to Mickey After the mourners went home, Clifford lay in his box waiting for the journey up when he heard a knocking to the side the coffin "Who's that" he calls out ? "It's Mickey", came the reply "What do you want ?" "Do you have anything for worms ?" Jim Carroll |
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020 From: Mrrzy Date: 05 Mar 20 - 02:20 PM Careful at the gate, boys, careful at the gate! |
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020 From: Jim Carroll Date: 05 Mar 20 - 03:05 PM Yes !!! Another Welsh joke similar to another A young apprentice engineer from Liverpool decided to blow a few months wages on a holiday in a village in North Wales After the first day of having nothing to do he was bored out of his skull, so he stood outside the local blacksmith's shop and watched him shoeing a horse, gradually he became fascinated The Smith invited him in to watch and when he'd finished said, "I'm going down to the pub for my lunch; you can finish off, if you like" - the lad jumped at it The Smith handed him a file and a wire brush and told him to clean up the horse's feet and remove any burr When he came back an hour later, he saw the lad had made a perfect job of his task - except the horse was lying on it's back, stone dead, with its legs sticking up in the air "God lad, you've done a great job, but what happened to the horse?" "Dunno," he said, "it's been like that since I took it out of the vice" Jim |
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020 From: Joe_F Date: 05 Mar 20 - 06:37 PM Mention of Welsh jokes reminds me: A little boy came into a shop and asked for some detergent. "What do you want it for?" "To wash my budgerigar." "That won't do it any good." Nevertheless, the boy picked out some detergent. He came in again a week later. "How is the budgerigar?" "Dead." "What did I tell you?" "It wasn't the detergent that did it. It was the wringer." |
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020 From: Jim Carroll Date: 06 Mar 20 - 09:52 AM Two Elderly Cardiff ladies were conversing through the communal wall of their outside lavatories "Hmmmmmm.... (straining) Is that you Mrs Evans ?" "Hmmmmmm.... it is Mrs Davis" "hmmmmmm.... How's your 'ubby, ?" "hmmmmmm.... 'Es fine, 'ow's yours ?" "hmmmmmm.... Same as ever, 'e never changes; 'ows your lad Dai 'avent seen 'im round for a while ?" "hmmmmmm.....'E's in London, got a place in drama school" "hmmmmmk..... Always was a clever lad, what't 'e doin' ?" "hmmmmmm..... 'e's playin 'Amlet" "hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm oooh, that's a hard part" Jim Carroll |
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020 From: Jim Carroll Date: 06 Mar 20 - 12:29 PM Retakes on theatre "What's it all about Malfi" "Is this a digger I see before me" (for our Australian Cousins') Jim Carroll |
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020 From: Georgiansilver Date: 06 Mar 20 - 02:45 PM I used to think I loved Joni Mitchell but it turns out ‘’I really don’t know love at all’’ |
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020 From: Jim Carroll Date: 06 Mar 20 - 02:58 PM "I really don’t know love at all’’ I assume - oh never mind.... A non pop-a lover's joke GS Jim |
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020 From: Jim Carroll Date: 07 Mar 20 - 08:29 PM According to my Liverpool mates when the film came out, Ben Hur's mother caught leprosy from a toilet seat ? Jim Carroll |
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020 From: Mr Red Date: 08 Mar 20 - 07:10 AM He's a cold fish... That's the problem with humour, it needs the references. You think you are funny, the mistake is one of assumption. Dunning-Kruger would be interested in that conceit. There is a sweet spot, too much knowledge on the subject and it becomes unfunny again. When the world woke up to silicon chips there were numerous jokes about silicone, particularly involving breasts. If you can design with silicon chips it just isn't funny. It is a pun without usable connection. |
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020 From: Steve Shaw Date: 08 Mar 20 - 07:41 AM My fish jokes are brill, so just get off your high sea-horse. |
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020 From: Jim Carroll Date: 08 Mar 20 - 08:10 AM "My fish jokes are brill, " I've always tried to skate over them Steve, though you don't want to hear what I say about them out of your herring A Liverpool kids joke A hard of hearing woman went to the doctor's to get advice on how to get pregnant - he told her, 'You have an agitated hole and if you have a baby it will be a miracle' She returned home dejected - "What did he say ?" asked her husband "He said I have a haddock up my hole and if I have a baby it will be a mackerel" Jim |
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020 From: Donuel Date: 08 Mar 20 - 08:21 AM One of my all time fav fish songs by Kip Adotta https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6l1GvDWtccI |
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020 From: Steve Shaw Date: 08 Mar 20 - 08:35 AM Whale kipper whelk-ome for you here if you ever visit Cornwall, Jim...Don't ling-er now... |
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020 From: Jim Carroll Date: 08 Mar 20 - 08:51 AM How Baramundi, or or would Tuesday be Betta ? There'll be a grouper of us - must get our pikes out (only another 24 letters to go) Jim |
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020 From: gillymor Date: 08 Mar 20 - 08:54 AM If these fish puns elicit anything other than a groan it'll be a fluke. |
Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020 From: Steve Shaw Date: 08 Mar 20 - 08:56 AM Any day barramundi, Jim. That's the sole day I can't hake it.... |