BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: katlaughing
Date: 26 Apr 08 - 11:59 AM

St. Peter stood at the Pearly Gates, waiting for the incoming. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. "Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?"
"Sure," replied Jesus. "What do I have to do?"
"Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven."
"Sounds easy enough. OK." So Jesus waited at the gates while St. Peter went off on his errand. The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man. Jesus summoned him to the examination table and sat across from him. He peered at the old man and asked, "What was it you did for a living?"
The old man replied, "I was a carpenter."
Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. "Did you have any family?" he asked.
"Yes, I had a son, but I lost him."
Jesus leaned forward some more. "You lost your son? Can you tell me about him?"
"Well, he had holes in his hands and feet."
Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, "Father?"
The old man leaned forward and whispered, "Pinocchio?"

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Ythanside
Date: 26 Apr 08 - 04:17 PM

Two guys in doctor's waiting room.

1st guy, 'Hi there Joe. What are you sseing the Doc about?'

Joe, embarrassed, 'I've only got one testicle. I'm getting married and I want to know if I can father children.'

1st guy, 'Oh, that's nothing to worry about. You'll be fine. I know a few guys who only have one testicle, and it's never stopped them fathering kids. As a matter of fact my cousin has odd-shaped testicles and he's got six kids.'

Joe, intrigued, 'Odd-shaped testicles? Really?'

1st guy, 'Yeah, one's small and cube-shaped like a dice, and one's big and round like a pool ball.' He becomes thoughtfull before adding, 'The other three are perfect.'

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 26 Apr 08 - 04:28 PM

The origin of your joke Kat:-


Saint Peter wanted a whole day off,
From his work at the pearly gates.
To go and play a game of golf,
With some of his heavenly mates.

"Jesus" he said "Your dad told me,
I could have a day of rest.
If someone would stand in for me,
Could you? It's not a test."

"Of course" said Jesus, "willingly,
But who would I keep out?
Best write a list for me St Pete,
In case there's any doubt."

The following morning Jesus stood,
At the pearly gates for Pete.
Sent some away and let some in,
The list was near complete.

Then Jesus saw an aged man,
With long grey hair and beard.
Someone He thought he recognised,
The feeling was quite wierd.

"Come to take your place"? he asked
The old man He thought He knew.
"I'm searching for my son" said the man,
"My search has been long and true"

"What did you do on earth old man"
Asked Jesus with due haste.
"A brilliant carpenter" he said,
"I furnished many a place".

Jesus looked at the man again,
Who he really thought he knew.
"How would you know this son"? he asked,
As He sought another clue.

"That's really easy" the old man said,
You'll know him if you meet.
He's the only one I've ever seen,
with holes in his hands and feet.

Jesus became excited now,
As any person can.
"Father"? Jesus asked him,
"Pinnocio"? asked the man!.

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: katlaughing
Date: 26 Apr 08 - 05:05 PM

Thanks, GS. A friend sent it to me in response to the Shaggy Hound story I sent him.

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Bonnie Shaljean
Date: 29 Apr 08 - 07:06 AM

It's back in the summer of 1960 and Jack goes to Peggy Sue's house to pick her up for a date. He's a very cool guy because he has his own car and a black leather jacket and his hair is slicked back into a d.a. He rings the doorbell but Peggy Sue's mother answers.

"Peggy Sue isn't quite ready yet. Why don't you come in and have a seat?"

Not an offer Jack can refuse, so he goes in and sits down on the couch. Peggy Sue's mother asks him what they plan to do on their date.

"Well, uh... we'll probably go down to the drugstore and have a soda, then maybe we'll see a movie..."

Peggy Sue's mother asks brightly, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear everyone's doing it."

Jack, not able to believe his ears, just says, "Excuse me, Ma'am?"

"That's right," smiles Peggy Sue's mother. "Peggy Sue just loves to screw. Why, she'd screw all night if we let her!"

Jack's smile gets a bit broader and a lot more sincere. He immediately begins to revise his plans for the evening. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and her saddle shoes, and announces that she's ready to go.

Breathless with anticipation, Jack escorts his date out the door while Mom says, "Have a good evening - hope you two enjoy yourselves."

About twenty minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue comes rushing back into the house, her hair a mess, her blouse askew. She glares for a moment and then says,

"Motherrrrrrrr - how many times do I have to tell you? It's called THE TWIST !!"

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: katlaughing
Date: 29 Apr 08 - 11:52 PM

LOL, Bonnie, thanks!

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 30 Apr 08 - 05:36 PM

"Company Security"

Several years ago I worked for a small company that
had frequent break-ins. In response, the company
installed a new security system with alarms, codes
and key pads.

Late one night the alarm went off and the police
raced to the scene. Outside the building, wandering
around the grounds, they spotted and apprehended
a suspect. Since I am the Security Director, I got the
first call.

The officer said, "We caught the culprit, an old guy.
He tried to pass as an employee, but he knows
nothing about your business."

"Oh," I said, "that's probably the President. You better
let him go."

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Becca72
Date: 30 Apr 08 - 06:11 PM

Three women—one engaged, one married, and one a mistress—are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men: that night all three will wear an S&M-style leather suit, stilettos, and a mask over their eyes.

After a few days, they meet again.

The engaged girlfriend said, "The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me in the leather suit, 4-inch stilettos and mask. He said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made love all night long."

The mistress stated, "Oh, yes! The other night we met in his office. I was wearing the leather suit, stilettos, mask over my eyes, and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word. We just had wild sex all night."

The married one then said, "The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mother's for the night, I got myself ready, leather suit, stilettos, and mask over my eyes.

My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV controller and a beer, sat down on the couch and said, "Hey, Batman! What's for dinner?"

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 30 Apr 08 - 06:36 PM

A secretary came back from lunch to find her boss standing in front of the new shredder, looking mystified, with a piece of paper in his hand. "How do you work this thing?" he asked.

Without saying a word, she took the paper from him, fed it into the slot, and pressed the button. (It was the only button on the front of the machine.) The machine started to whirr, and the paper disappeared into it.

"Great!" he said. "Now, I'd like three copies."

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: severed-head
Date: 05 May 08 - 04:04 AM

FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN

The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

St. Peter said, "Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven."

Forrest responds, "It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was."

St. Peter continued, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?

Second: How many seconds are there in a year?

Third: What is God's first name?"

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."

Forrest replied, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow."

The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, "Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?" asked St. Peter.

"How many seconds in a year? Now that one is harder," replied Forrest, "but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve."

Astounded, St. Peter said, "Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

Forrest replied, "Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... "

"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind...but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"?

"Sure," Forrest replied, "it's Andy."

"Andy?" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter. "Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?"

"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song:
ANDY WALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN."

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: "Run, Forrest, run."

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: severed-head
Date: 05 May 08 - 04:05 AM

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.

Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied economics and business administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top-of-the-line Mercedes for his birthday."

The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, and then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."

The third man said, "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: a 30,000-square-foot mansion."

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked, "What are all the congratulations for?" One of the three said, "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son?" The fourth man replied, "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub."

The three friends said, "What a shame! What a disappointment!"

The fourth man replied, "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him.

"And he hasn't done too badly either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top-of-the-line Mercedes from his three boyfriends."

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 05 May 08 - 09:48 AM

"Going to the Zoo with Dad"

Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally, his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.

"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.

"Great!" little Johnny replied.

"Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother.

"Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed little Johnny excitedly, "especially when one of the animals came racing home at 30 to 1!"

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 05 May 08 - 10:37 AM

"Sunday Drive with Mom"

A father who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family on the weekends.

Every Sunday morning he would take his seven-year-old daughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time.

One particular Sunday, however, he had a bad cold and he really did not feel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their daughter out.

When they returned, the little girl eagerly ran upstairs to see her father.

"Well," the father asked, "did you enjoy your ride with mommy?"

"Oh yes, Daddy," the girl replied, "and do you know what? We did not see a single dumb bastard or stupid a-hole!"

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: GUEST,melinda
Date: 05 May 08 - 12:22 PM

I heard that Pepsi Co. just fired a whole bunch of employees.


They tested positive for Coke.

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Bill D
Date: 07 May 08 - 09:55 AM

Smart Cajuns!

Boudreaux left the bayou and moved to Arkansas where he bought him a donkey from an old farmer for $100.

The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day, the farmer drove up and said, 'I'm sorry, but I have some bad news. The donkey died last night.'

'Well, den,' said Boudreaux, 'jus' give my money back, yeah.'

'I can't do that, sir. I went and spent it already.'

'OK, den. Jus' unload dat donkey.'

'What are you gonna do with him?'

'I'm gon to raffle him off.'

'You can't raffle a dead donkey, you dumb Cajun!'

'Well, dat's where you wrong! You wait you an' you learn how smart we Cajuns are!'

A month later, the farmer ran into the Cajun and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'

'I raffled dat donkey off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made $998.'

'Didn't anyone complain?'

'Just dat guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: severed-head
Date: 07 May 08 - 04:53 PM

A man takes his family to a restaurant for a birthday meal. They decided to try a swish new restaurant in the town centre. As they are shown to their table, the man is impressed by the quiet efficiency of all the staff.

When the waiter has taken their order, the man says to him, "Excuse me, but I couldn't help noticing all the waiters carry a dessert spoon in their top pockets. Why is this?"

"Well, sir," the waiter replies, "it's all about efficiency. We noticed that the item most frequently forgotten when setting the table is the spoon. We all carry a spoon to save time going back to the kitchen to get one."

"Very good," says the man, "but I have one more question. I also noticed a piece of string attached to the zip on the fly of your trousers. What's the purpose of that?"

The waiter leans forward and replies softly, "There are actually two strings – one attached to the zip and one to the tool. It's all about efficiency. When we use the toilet, if we can avoid touching the tool, there is no need to stop to wash one's hands – this saves a great deal of precious time."

The man replies "That's a great idea…but tell me, how do you put the tool away?"

The waiter leans forward again. "Personally sir, I use the spoon."

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Becca72
Date: 09 May 08 - 03:29 PM

Francis was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to Home Depot.

At Home Depot, Mary saw a beautiful bathroom faucet while she was waiting for Walt, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.

When Walt was finished, Mary asked, 'How much for that faucet?'

Walt replied, 'That's pewter and it costs $300.'

'My goodness, that sure is a lot of money!' Mary exclaimed.

Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Francis had sent her to buy, and Walt went to the back room to find it.

From the back room Walt yelled, 'Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?'

Mary yelled back, 'No, but I will for the faucet.'

And this is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot.

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Dead Horse
Date: 09 May 08 - 03:56 PM

Warning - Blonde Joke!
Two blonde girls were working for the town public works department.
One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in.
They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it - why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"
The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick."

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 09 May 08 - 07:49 PM

MEN: Natural-Born Cooks (THE BBQ RULES)
We are about to enter the summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity, as it's the only type of cooking a 'real' man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

First, of course, there's some routine stuff...

(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - drink in hand.

Here comes the important part:

(4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine stuff...

(5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another drink while he deals with the situation.

Important again:

(7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

Still more routine...

(8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:
(10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed 'her night off.' And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women...

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 12 May 08 - 08:23 AM

"Change"

The buzzword of this election is "CHANGE." Candidates toss it around without saying what they want to change.

Ten years ago, there was an old tale in the Marine Corps about a lieutenant who inspected his Marines and told the "Gunny" that they smelled bad. The lieutenant suggested that they change their underwear.

The "Gunny" responded, "Aye, aye, sir. I will see to it immediately." He went into the tent and said, "The lieutenant thinks you guys smell bad, and he wants you to change your underwear. Smith, you change with Jones. McCarthy, you change with Witkowski. Brown, you change with Schultz….

"Change! Now, get on with it."

A candidate may promise change in Washington but the stink remains.

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 12 May 08 - 08:26 AM

"In Charge"

Charley, a new retiree greeter at Wal-Mart, just could not seem to get to work on time. Every day he was five, 10, sometimes 15 minutes late. Nevertheless, he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.

One day the boss was in a real quandary about how to deal with it. Finally, he called him into the office for a talk. "Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang on job, but you are being late so often is quite bothersome."

"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."

"Well good, you are a team player. That is what I like to hear. It is odd though, you are coming in late. I know you are retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say if you came in late there?"

"They said, 'Good morning, General. Tea or coffee this morning, sir?'"

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 18 May 08 - 06:57 AM

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again."

Eric grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"

"No," I replied. "Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: severed-head
Date: 18 May 08 - 04:48 PM

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.
Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.

So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down.... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic.

'You impotent bastard,' She screamed at him, 'How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!'
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
'I'll explain the toy, you explain the kids.'

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: JohnInKansas
Date: 19 May 08 - 01:08 AM

Seen recently:

Five tips for a woman:

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.

2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to You.

4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.





5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.

John

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: JohnInKansas
Date: 19 May 08 - 01:23 AM

Probably posted here before, but I don't remember where:

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."

The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns."

"Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's the one," replied the man.

He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled,

"Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

John

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 19 May 08 - 09:34 AM

Country Wisdom:

Don't name a pig you plan to eat.
Country fences need to be horse high, pig tight, and bull strong.

Life is not about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you bounce.

Keep skunks and lawyers at a distance.
Life is simpler when you plow around the stumps.
A bumble bee is faster than a John Deere tractor.
Trouble with a milk cow is she won't stay milked.
Don't skinny dip with snapping turtles. (Males this is for you Especially)


Words that soak into your ears are whispered, not yelled.

To know how country folks are doing, look at their barns, not their houses.
Never lay an angry hand on a kid or an animal, it just ain't helpful.


Teachers, Moms, and hoot owls sleep with one eye open.
Forgive your enemies. It messes with their heads.
Don't sell your mule to buy a plow.
Two can live as cheap as one if one don't eat.
Don't corner something meaner than you.
You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar, assuming you want to catch flies.
Man is the only critter who feels the need to label things as flowers
or weeds.

It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.

Don't go huntin' with a fellow named Chug-A-Lug.

You can't unsay a cruel thing.
Every path has some puddles.


Don't wrestle with pigs: You'll get all muddy and the pigs will love it.

The best sermons are lived, not preached.
Most of the stuff people worry about never happens.


The Ten Commandments display was removed from the Alabama Supreme Court building. There was a good reason for the move. You can't post "Thou Shalt Not Steal, Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery and Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers and politicians Without creating a hostile work environment.

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 23 May 08 - 10:39 AM

SOME WORDS OF WISDOM

    When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

    A penny saved is a Congressional oversight.

    The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

    The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

    He who hesitates is probably right.

    Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are ' XL.'

    If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

    If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

    The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

    There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

    Did you ever notice: When you put the two words 'The' and 'IRS' together, it spells 'Theirs.'   
   
    Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

    The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.   

    Some people try to turn back their personal odometers. Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way.
    I've traveled a long way, and some of the roads weren't paved.

    When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
   
    You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
   
    One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
   
    Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
   
    First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper.
    It's worse when you forget to pull it down.

    Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft.
    Today, it's called golf!
      
    Lord,
    Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth...AMEN..!!

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Mrrzy
Date: 30 May 08 - 08:56 AM

OK, learned some new old ones:

What do you call a woman with no arms and no legs in your arms?

Carrie!

What do you call a fish with no eye?

Fsshhh!

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 31 May 08 - 09:33 AM

Science Exam Children's science exam answers


Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large
pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (brilliant, love this!)
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? ( e.g., abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does 'varicose' mean? (I do love this one...)
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarian Section.'
A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome.

Q: What does the word 'benign' mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 02 Jun 08 - 08:48 AM

"Parking Meters"

Pauly walks into a bar and says "Bartender, one round for everyone, on me!" The bartender says, "Well, Pauly, seems you're in a really good mood tonight, eh?"

Pauly says, "Oh, you can bet on it! I just got hired by the city to go around and remove all the money from parking meters. I start on Monday!"

The bartender congratulates the man and proceeds to pour the round.

Monday evening arrives. Pauly comes back into the bar and says "Bartender, TWO rounds for everyone, on me!"

The bartender says, "Well now! If you're so happy just over having this new job, I can just imagine how happy you'll be when you get your paycheck!"

Pauly looks at the bartender with a confused look on his face, pulls out quite a handful of quarters from his pocket, and says, "You mean they'll PAY me on top of it?"

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 02 Jun 08 - 09:03 AM

A sign in the window of a bar advertised for a Piano Player and one day a scroungy looking old guy entered the bar asking about the job.

The bartender was put off by the man's looks, but pointed him to the piano in the corner.

As the old man began to play, the room was filled with the most beautiful, melodious music anyone in the bar had ever heard. During the song, all talk stopped and when the music ended, the patrons leaped to their feet; yelling and applauding wildly.

"Hey, Old Timer," said the barkeep. "You're really good. What was that beautiful song?"

"I call it 'Drop them panties Momma, I'm gonna do ya all night long'."

Momentarily stunned, the bartender held his temper and said, "Interesting title. Do you have another?" The old man nodded and broke into a foot stomping honky-tonk piece that brought the bar patrons to their feet. The crowd clapped along until it was finished, then broke into a thunderous round of applause and filled his tip mug to overflowing.

"You are amazing," exclaimed the barkeep. "Just amazing! What do you call that one?"

"Oh, that's a little ditty I call 'I wanna spank yer bare butt, baby, till you scream and holler'." The bartender held his tongue -- the guy was certainly good, despite the outrageous song titles.

Then, he rose, excused himself and shuffled off to use the restroom.

While he was gone, the patrons begged the bartender to give the eccentric old musician the job. So, when the old man returned, the barkeep said, "Mister, you are the greatest piano player I've ever heard. If you want the job, it's yours."

Suddenly, the barkeep noticed that the man had not finished his trip to the restroom. Not wanting to embarrass the old fellow, he leaned toward him and whispered, "Sir, do you know your pecker's hanging out for all the world to see?"

"Know it?" the geezer grinned. "Hell, I wrote it!"

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: dwditty
Date: 02 Jun 08 - 11:14 AM

On the Pope's recent visit to New York, he was struck by the response of "the people" and felt very close to them. Wanting a taste of being an ordinary guy, he told his chauffeur he wanted to drive to Yankee Stadium for the big show. The driver, realizing the request was from the Pope, climbed in the back seat without a word. The Pope drove off, and within minutes, made an illegal turn and was stooped by one of New York's finest. When the Pope handed the officer his license and registration, the cop figured he better call the station for advice.

He explained to the desk sergeant that he had just pulled over someone rally important. The Sgt. asked, "Who, the mayor?" The cop responded, "No, someone much more important than the Mayor."

The Sgt. then queried, "The Governor?" The officer replied, "No, the Gov. is small potatoes next o this guy."

The Sgt screamed, "Who is it then?" The officer answered, "I have no idea who this guy is, but the Pope is his freaking driver!"

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 04 Jun 08 - 04:40 PM

REDNECK CONTRACEPTION

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his doctor/veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem, but that it was expensive.

A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.

** NOTE: This procedure also works in Tennessee, Arkansas, Virginia, Mississippi and West Virginia. Florida just made the list.

Dave Oesterreich
(The full-service, equal-opportunity offender)

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 04 Jun 08 - 05:13 PM

Murphy arrived home from work and announced to his wife "D'ya know that Patrick next door got a vascectomy"?   She said "Good heavens...he only got his Nissan a couple'a months ago"!

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: severed-head
Date: 04 Jun 08 - 05:36 PM

HOW to SAVE the AIRLINES

Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.
Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell -- they don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.

Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and 'special services.

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.

This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.
Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?



Sincerely,
Bill Clinton

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 04 Jun 08 - 06:18 PM

severed-head...that so made me laugh.....thank you!

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Walrus
Date: 05 Jun 08 - 12:56 AM

"...Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues..."

Hijackings inspired by fundementalist Muslim groups may come to a halt, but I could forsee lots offlights being hijacked by 'Frat Boys' with demands like "I don't care where you fly, just go somewhere that you can fill up the fuel tanks, take on more beer and take off again"

W

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 05 Jun 08 - 09:17 AM

"Before the Cell Phones"

The father of a teenage daughter was concerned with the amount of time she spent on the telephone, not so much for the time she wasted (he had given up on that long ago), but because nobody else could use the phone.

So, as a happy solution, he had a telephone installed for her with her own private number and directory listing.

Two or three days after her telephone had been installed, he came home to find her stretched out on the floor with her feet on the living room couch and chatting away on the family telephone. Her own telephone was resting silently on her dresser. "Why are you using our telephone?" he yelled. "Why aren't you talking on your own telephone?"

"I can't," she said, "I'm expecting an important call on my phone."

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 06 Jun 08 - 10:36 AM

New Element discovered:

Research has led to the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second to take from four days to four years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization
in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

--Anonymous"

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 06 Jun 08 - 07:46 PM

"Governmentium"

What happened to "Beauracratium" - did it decay?

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 06 Jun 08 - 09:24 PM

Anagram Fun

A VILE old woman on EVIL bent
Put on her VEIL and to St IVEL she went
LEVI, she said as she closed the door
If I LIVE I'll be back by four.

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 07 Jun 08 - 02:24 PM

"Emerging Intelligence"

Out in space two alien forms are speaking with
each other.

The first spaceman says, "The dominant life
forms on the earth planet have developed
satellite-based weapons."

The second alien, who looks exactly like the
first, asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"

The first spaceman says, "I don't think so...
They have them aimed at themselves."

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 09 Jun 08 - 08:38 AM

"Golf Murder"

A murder has been committed. Police are called to an apartment and find a man standing, holding a 5-iron in his hands, looking at the lifeless body of a woman on the ground. The detective asks, “Sir, is that your wife?"

"Yes."

"Did you hit her with that golf club?"

"Yes. Yes, I did," the man answers. He stifles a sob, drops the club and puts his hands on his head.

"How many times did you hit her?"

"I don't know. Five...six ...put me down for a five."

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 09 Jun 08 - 08:52 AM

"New Thermos"

A blonde was shopping at Target, and came across a shiny silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the clerk to ask what it was.

The clerk said, "Why, that's a thermos. It keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold."

"Wow!" said the blonde. "That's amazing. I'm going to buy it!" So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.

Her boss saw it on her desk. "What's that?" he asked.

"Why, that's a thermos. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," she replied.

Her boss inquired, "What do you have in it?"

The blonde replied, "Two popsicles and some coffee."

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Wesley S
Date: 09 Jun 08 - 10:11 AM

Linda Burnett , 23, a resident of San Diego , was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.

One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she had been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.

A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head.

When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered.

Linda is a blonde, a Republican, and a McCain supporter, but that could be irrelevant.

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: RangerSteve
Date: 09 Jun 08 - 02:32 PM

The Linda Burnett story has been around for a while, it's an urban myth.

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Wesley S
Date: 09 Jun 08 - 02:34 PM

Nooooooo - Say it ain't so..

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 10 Jun 08 - 09:19 AM

"biscuit canister had exploded from the heat"

This was the subject of a Mythbusters episode - it was found to be capable of happenning - at least the explaoding package bit - also spray cans too.

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Wesley S
Date: 10 Jun 08 - 11:55 AM

By the way - this next story never really happened. It's a joke:

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!" and he pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused and said, "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"You have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper.

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 12 Jun 08 - 08:42 AM

"Bird Painting"

Jim strolls into the paint section of a hardware store and walks up to the assistant. "I'd like a pint of canary-colored paint," he says.

"Certainly," says the clerk. "Mind if I ask what you need to paint with it?"

"My parakeet," says Jim. "See, I want to enter him in a canary contest. He sings so sweetly that I know he's sure to win."

"Well, you can't do that!" the assistant says. "The chemicals in the paint will almost certainly kill the poor thing!"

"No, they won't," Jim replies.

"Listen, Buddy, I'll bet you ten bucks your parakeet dies if you try to paint him."

"You're on!" says Jim.

Two days later Jim comes back looking very sheepish and puts ten dollars on the counter in front of the clerk.

"So the paint killed your bird?"

"Indirectly," Jim says. "He seemed to handle the paint okay, but he didn't survive the sanding between coats."