BS: Sex with guitars

Subject: BS: Sex with guitars
From: GUEST,Basil Maketime
Date: 11 Apr 07 - 06:11 PM

I have not found it very satisfactory, despite all the hype. For one thing, I keep getting caught in the strings, and that can hurt! Specially on a steel string guitar. Dreadnoughts are particularly uncomfortable and Jumbos are simply not worth the trouble in my opinion. Parlor guitars are a step in the right direction, but still darned tricky to deal with. Cutaways allow for a little more ease when assuming "the position", but tend to throw the back out of alignment, and that can lead to posture problems and chiropractic bills. Electrics are cold, unfeeling, and damned dangerous too! I don't even go near them anymore. Can anyone offer any useful tips?

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with guitars
From: GUEST,Ding dong
Date: 11 Apr 07 - 06:12 PM

I could, but it wouldn't be polite.

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with guitars
From: skipy
Date: 11 Apr 07 - 06:32 PM

a snooker cue tip?
Skipy

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with guitars
From: Amos
Date: 11 Apr 07 - 06:36 PM

It's not like we'd believe you if you denied the holes are just too big, mate. Give it over.

A

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with guitars
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 11 Apr 07 - 06:42 PM

Sounds like he's really a banjo player...

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with guitars
From: artbrooks
Date: 11 Apr 07 - 06:47 PM

Shaky egg, Liz.

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with guitars
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 11 Apr 07 - 06:58 PM

LOL ARt!!

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with guitars
From: Bobert
Date: 11 Apr 07 - 09:11 PM

How would I know???

I did ***not*** have sex with that guitar...

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with guitars
From: JohnInKansas
Date: 11 Apr 07 - 09:43 PM

One would surmise that anyone who can fit it between the strings would be better suited to making love to a penny whistle - perhaps a high "G." (or is there a smaller one?)

Don't forget to take a "Q-Tip" (one should be sufficient) to make things tidy after.

John

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with guitars
From: Little Hawk
Date: 11 Apr 07 - 09:48 PM

I hear that the trombone can be very stimulating. But if you want to stick with string instruments, how about the ukelele?

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with guitars
From: robomatic
Date: 11 Apr 07 - 10:34 PM

maybe you're really a fiddler

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with guitars
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 12 Apr 07 - 12:45 AM

I've never had sex with a guitar, but my wife must think I have. Every time I bring a new guitar home she asks, "What? Another fucking guitar?"

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with guitars
From: catspaw49
Date: 12 Apr 07 - 01:52 AM

Of course it's possible......Ever watch Neil Young playing electric? Is there any doubt he's fucking that Les Paul?

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with guitars
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 12 Apr 07 - 03:46 AM

Keep them in separate cages, look what happened when a Martin and a Gibson got too intimate, their bastard offspring was a cause of great strife.
G.

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with guitars
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 12 Apr 07 - 04:53 AM

Guest Basil Maketime....try a high 'G' whistle...sounds more like your size!

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with guitars
From: C-flat
Date: 12 Apr 07 - 06:17 AM

Can I suggest using a guitar with an "f" hole?

Also try loosening the G string and applying a little lubrication to the nut!!

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with guitars
From: Big Al Whittle
Date: 12 Apr 07 - 08:19 AM

alternatively some perverts prefer a handbag. So I'm told.

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with guitars
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 12 Apr 07 - 08:22 AM

A HANDBAG !!!

Giok

Thank you Oscar.

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with guitars
From: Rapparee
Date: 12 Apr 07 - 08:42 AM

Ask yourself, "Do I really want sex with this guitar for itself or am I only attracted by the case or the shiny finish? Would I still want it if it had a broken string or the bridge was knocked askew?" I think you'll find it much more enjoyable if you are not simply looking for a quick sus.

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with guitars
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 12 Apr 07 - 08:44 AM

Will you still respect it in the morning?

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with guitars
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 12 Apr 07 - 09:37 AM

If it at least had a name like Laura or Sally or Linda...but Martin!!! No way!

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with guitars
From: C-flat
Date: 12 Apr 07 - 11:04 AM

Potential for new marketing?

"THE FENDER SHAGCASTER" ?

"GIBSON LES PORN"?

Think what you could with a double-cutaway or twin-neck?

Got to go now...........

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with guitars
From: Little Hawk
Date: 12 Apr 07 - 11:06 AM

How about a "standing Ovation"?

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with guitars
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 12 Apr 07 - 11:16 AM

An Elizabeth Taylor?

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with guitars
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 12 Apr 07 - 11:17 AM

Aria Callous

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with guitars
From: Little Hawk
Date: 12 Apr 07 - 11:21 AM

You can get callouses if you overdo it....

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with guitars
From: Bill D
Date: 12 Apr 07 - 11:30 AM

You SURE you have made the right choice?

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with guitars
From: Bill D
Date: 12 Apr 07 - 11:37 AM

But if you must..I have this rare adapting inlay for a Martin I can sell you. Price negotiable.

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with guitars
From: Rapparee
Date: 12 Apr 07 - 11:59 AM

The National Institutions of Health reported in a report reported on June 3, 2004, that sex with guitars is one of the leading causes of premature failure. Dr. Ivan Gnoodsen said, "Pickups should be avoided and people should stick to acoustic models. There's nothing like a nice, slim, nubile...excuse me, be right back." His assistant confirmed that pickups have even been responsible for the deaths of an average of 22.7 unprotected sexual partners, know in medical jargon as "stiffs." When he returned, Dr. Gnoodsen also warned against the use of picks: "Nothing will punch a hole in your Fender or Martin quicken that a well-placed blow from a pick," he said. "A pick will do as much damage to a guitar as it will to compacted soil: a lot. This is especially hard on anyone having sex with a guitar when someone else hits it with a pick."

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with guitars
From: Little Hawk
Date: 12 Apr 07 - 12:54 PM

Well, this thread has just turned up a wealth of valuable information, hasn't it?

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with guitars
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 12 Apr 07 - 01:01 PM

Sort of makes you wonder what people do all day....

Or not...

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with guitars
From: GUEST
Date: 12 Apr 07 - 02:46 PM

Had a friend who played with Stella.

Oops! Sorry - Should be 'a Stella' :-)

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with guitars
From: GUEST
Date: 12 Apr 07 - 02:49 PM

I remember one night he dropped it & in the heat of the moment said "I've fucked it".
So I guess that was a confession he'll regret.

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with guitars
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 12 Apr 07 - 03:00 PM

Open G

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with guitars
From: English Jon
Date: 12 Apr 07 - 03:00 PM

http://www.cuntz-guitars.de/en/

I'm sorry.
Jon

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with guitars
From: Big Al Whittle
Date: 12 Apr 07 - 03:09 PM

Way back I seem to remember a Bill Caddick song, I'm in love with a Gibson Girl.

I guess that must have been like half woman /half guitar.

Revenge of the Guitar Women, Guitar Women from Mars.........

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with guitars
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 12 Apr 07 - 03:30 PM

Gibson Girls
Giok

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with guitars
From: beardedbruce
Date: 12 Apr 07 - 03:30 PM

Gibson Girl

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with guitars
From: C-flat
Date: 13 Apr 07 - 03:26 AM

Adds another meaning to the expression Pick-up line!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with guitars
From: Rapparee
Date: 13 Apr 07 - 09:12 AM

Another, seldom discussed, danger of sex with guitars is what is crudely called "splinters." These can lead to other infections and even to gangrene and subsequent amputation.

Ask yourself, "She's beautiful, she's sexy, but is it worth it? To jeopardize my future for a momentary fling? To throw away my innocence on a few minutes of pleasure, risking everything I've ever hoped for? And how many others have there been, since I got her used?"

This message has been brought to you by the "Just Say No Way, Jose" Campaign To Enlighten The World's Youth About The Dangers Of Guitars.

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with guitars
From: beardedbruce
Date: 13 Apr 07 - 09:15 AM

CTETWYATDOG?

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with guitars
From: Rapparee
Date: 13 Apr 07 - 09:19 AM

No, "JSNWJ"CTETWYATDOG. What you said is a very, very insulting and obscene thing to say in Banff, a language only spoken by a very few people residing in Alberta and which is fortunately nearly extinct.

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with guitars
From: Herga Kitty
Date: 13 Apr 07 - 03:41 PM

I liked the instruction on the Gibson Girls link that said "Click to enlarge"! Thanks Giok.

Kitty

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with guitars
From: Little Hawk
Date: 13 Apr 07 - 03:49 PM

Another thing you must never do in Banff is say "Bamff" when you mean "Banff". And never use two "n"s, Rapaire! It's two "f"s in Banff!

The only Canadian city with a cooler name than Banff is Guelph. They both sound like the cry of some strange exotic wild animal, but "Guelph!" is much more guttural.

Try substituting either one of them in the song "I Left My Heart in San Francisco"....actually, try it in any song about a famous city...

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with guitars
From: Bill D
Date: 13 Apr 07 - 03:58 PM

I left my elf in Guelph?....nawwwww...

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with guitars
From: Little Hawk
Date: 13 Apr 07 - 04:25 PM

I left my virginity in Cincinnati?

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with guitars
From: terrier
Date: 13 Apr 07 - 04:32 PM

There's many a good tune played on an old fiddle
There's many a whore played an old guitore....

Some people will do anything for a rhyme

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with guitars
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 13 Apr 07 - 04:33 PM

I do like a well plucked guitar

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with guitars
From: terrier
Date: 13 Apr 07 - 04:46 PM

.....and now for a verse of the Pheasent Pluckers Song....

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with guitars
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 13 Apr 07 - 07:29 PM

My guitar it has four lovely strings,
On which I like to play.
This fourplay is the start of things,
At the end of every day.

I take it up to my room with me,
Each and every night.
To pluck upon its sweet 'G' string,
Can bring me great delight.

My guitar is company each night,
It never causes strife.
It makes its sounds just when I want,
Not like a nagging wife.