BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: deadfrett
Date: 27 Jul 08 - 11:41 AM

There's a new laxative on the market. Its kinda like Exlax but made with chicken feathers..It just tickles the crap out of you.

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle Phil
Date: 27 Jul 08 - 09:59 AM

Dude, like let me make fer sure I've got this right. Are we talking, like, one of them piddlely little countries between here and Europe? But not the one where the dudes wear, like, little catholic schoolgirl skirts -- we're talking the one with the funny little cars, and princesses and warm soupy beer and, like, stuff like that.
- Phil

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Midchuck
Date: 27 Jul 08 - 08:20 AM

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication....

10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body Armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

In all seriousness, the above are all pretty good ideas IMO. But I'm probably not a Good American.

You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
----------------------
6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

Hey, that doesn't seem fair. You guys get around the lack of guns by cutting each other (in the literal sense, not the social) constantly. We should at least be allowed to do the same.

And whatever you say about our lawyers, they don't go into court wearing rat's nests on their heads!

Peter

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Walrus
Date: 27 Jul 08 - 05:30 AM

"...15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776)..."

That date should read 1763 - After all, half the oriinal plotters of the 'revolution' were only doing it as a way of evading the back taxes to pay for the Seven Years War in the Americas (aka French & Indian Wars).

W

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: GUEST,lansing
Date: 27 Jul 08 - 03:18 AM

bravo!!....had an e-mail attributing the prior post to John Clease.

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 27 Jul 08 - 03:12 AM

Message from the Queen

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II:
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
(You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
1. Then look up aluminum, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as "colour", "favour", "labour" and "neighbour." Likewise, you will learn to spell "doughnut" without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise'. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up "vocabulary").
------------------------
3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let M*crosoft know on your behalf. The M*crosoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter "U" and the elimination of -ize.
-------------------
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
-----------------
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
----------------------
6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
----------------------
7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
--------------------
8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
-------------------
9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
-------------------
10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
---------------------
11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys.   Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in
Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
---------------------
12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body Armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.
---------------------
13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
--------------------
14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
-----------------
15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
---------------
16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with clotted cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen!


RtS

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 26 Jul 08 - 09:14 AM

HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR 2029

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California.

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops andlivestock.

Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica . No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation!

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss!

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Mexifornia and Floruba.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Abortion clinics now available in every High School in United States.

Senate still blocking drilling in ANWR even though gas is selling for 4532 Pesos per liter and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2030.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Floruba voters still having trouble with voting machines.

Now, send this to whomever you want and as many as you want, then, guess what....NOTHING will happen. No miracles, no money, absolutely nothing, except you might make someone smile or very very scared.

I Love This Country!

It's The Government That Scares Me!

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 25 Jul 08 - 12:16 PM

Maybe this is not really a joke, but here goes:

--
"Good Answer"

No matter who you supported in the primary,
this is just simply a wonderful response by
Jon Stewart to a stupid question:

Is America ready for a black president?

In Larry King's interview with Jon Stewart,
Larry brought up the subject of the primaries
and asked Stewart if America was ready for
a woman or a black president.

Jon looked at him quizzically and said, "This
is such a non-question. Did anyone ask us in 2000 if Americans were
ready for a moron?"

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: severed-head
Date: 24 Jul 08 - 04:32 PM

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Nursing Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 24 Jul 08 - 11:30 AM

True story: I knew a teacher who had collected a list of "words of wisdom" contributed by her students. One of them was: "If you're being dragged, let go of the leash."

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 24 Jul 08 - 06:04 AM

KIDS STILL SAY THE DARNDEST THINGS

1) NUDITY

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mum, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'



2) OPINIONS

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read,' The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'



3) KETCHUP

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone.' Mummy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now.

She's hitting the bottle.'



4) MORE NUDITY

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'



5) POLICE # 1

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked,' Are you a cop?'

'Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report.

'My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her.

'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'



6) POLICE # 2

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking and I saw a little boy staring in at me.

'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked.

'It sure is,' I replied.

Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'



7) ELDERLY

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered,' The tooth fairy will never believe this!'



8) DRESS-UP

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned,' Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.' 'And why not, darling?' 'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'





9) DEATH

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.

The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with onerous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into e hole he goooes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)





10) SCHOOL

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk.'



11) BIBLE

A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.

'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.

'What have you got there, dear?' With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 24 Jul 08 - 05:57 AM

Home Security System ~ Southern Style.


1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns and Ammo Magazine.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

Hey Bubba, Me, Big Jim, Duke and Slim went for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls - they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house.

Better wait outside.

"Cooter"

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 23 Jul 08 - 02:23 PM

She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore, and that I would have to quit.

Then I caught her spending $65 for makeup.

I asked her how come I had to give up stuff and she didn't.

She said she needed the makeup to look pretty for me.

I told her that was what the beer was for.






I don't think she's coming back.

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Wesley S
Date: 23 Jul 08 - 11:16 AM

From Jay Leno last night:

Why do Canadian couples like to do it "doggie-style"??

So they can both watch the hockey game.

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Walrus
Date: 22 Jul 08 - 09:26 PM

1917, Lenin and the Bolsheviks were on a sealed German train moving into Russia.

After a day of travelling, one of the Bolsheviks asks if anyone knows where they are
Lenin hangs his arm out of the carriage, pulls it back and announces - "We are still in Germany"

Later in the journey again one of the comrades asks where they are, again Lenin hangs an arm out of the carriage,
"We are in Poland"

Yet later in the journey, a traveller asks where they were, again Lenin hung an arm out of the train, pulled it in. looked at it and announced, "Now we are in Mother Russia!".

After the train finally rolled into the station, Trotsky quietly asked Lenin how he could tell their location by simply putting his arm out of the train.

"Ah!" said Lenin, "When we passed through Germany, I put my had out of the train and the locals shook it,
When we passed through Poland, I put my hand out and the locals spat at it,
"And when I put my hand out in Russia ... Some Ba*d stole my watch!".

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 22 Jul 08 - 08:51 PM

This is a Russian joke that makes fun of the former East German government, so it might not be funny to everyone... but I worked in the Public Service... :-)


Lenin travels with the train through Russia, and the train grinds to a halt. Engine failure. Lenin sends all workers in the factory that might be responsible to a labor camp.

Stalin travels with the train through Russia a few years later, and the train grinds to a halt. Engine failure. Stalin has all workers in the factory that might be responsible shot.

Honecker (the former head of State of the GDR) travels with the train through Russia. The train grinds to a halt. Engine failure. Honecker has a brilliant idea: "The people that are responsible should be forced to rock the train, so we can sit inside and feel like it is still running."

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 22 Jul 08 - 08:43 PM

A pig and a chicken are walking down a road. The chicken looks at the pig and says, "Hey, why don't we open a restaurant?"

The pig looks back at the chicken and says, "Good idea, what do you want to call it?"

The chicken thinks about it and says, "Why don't we call it 'Ham and Eggs'?"

"I don't think so," says the pig, "I'd be committed but you'd only be involved."

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: curmudgeon
Date: 21 Jul 08 - 07:41 PM

Robatelli. = rob a telly; and it's still not funny - Tom

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 21 Jul 08 - 07:22 PM

Nikamota = nick a motor = steal a car.
…but I have no idea why it's supposed to be funny.
I'm still working on Robatelli.

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 21 Jul 08 - 05:33 PM

I don't git it.

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: severed-head
Date: 21 Jul 08 - 05:21 PM

Football news UK.
Just heard on Talksport:

Liverpool have signed 2 new players - one from Japan and one from Italy. Rafa says they should fit in really well with the scousers. They're called Nikamota and Robatelli.

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 21 Jul 08 - 09:21 AM

"Blonde Stewardess"

An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty
new blonde stewardess. The route they were
flying had a stay-over in another city. Upon their
arrival the captain showed the stewardess the
best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and
stay overnight.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the
crew for the day's route, he noticed the new
stewardess was missing. He knew which room
she was in at the hotel and called her up
wondering what happened to her.

She answered the phone, crying, and said she
couldn't get out of her room.

"You can't get out of your room?" the captain
asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied, "There are only three
doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom,
one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that
says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 21 Jul 08 - 09:20 AM

"Flying"

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact
departure on 124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to
departure----by the way, after we lifted off, we
saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of
the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff,
contact departure on 124.7, did you copy the
report from Eastern?"

"Continental 635: Cleared for takeoff, roger. And
yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified
our caterers."

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 19 Jul 08 - 10:01 AM

Subject: FW: EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 55

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides, and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll l find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple weeks, move up to 10-lb. potato sacks.

Then try 50-lb. potato sacks.

Then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb. potato sack in each hand, and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.

RtS

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 18 Jul 08 - 10:10 AM

A plump gentleman ate a fine meal at an expensive
restaurant and topped it off with some rare Napoleon
brandy, then he summoned the headwaiter.

"Do you recall," he asked pleasantly, "how a year
ago, I ate just such a repast here, and then, because
I couldn't pay for it, you had me thrown into the
gutter like a veritable bum ?"

"I'm very sorry, sir." began the contrite headwaiter.

"Oh, it's quite all right," said the guest, "But I'm afraid
I'll have to trouble you again."

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 18 Jul 08 - 10:08 AM

A man and a small boy entered a barbershop together.

After the man received the full treatment, shave,
shampoo, manicure, and haircut; he'd picked up
the boy and sat him in the barber's chair.

"I'm going next door and shop for a pair of shoes,"
he said. "I'll be back in ten minutes."

When the boy's haircut was done and the man
still hadn't returned, the barber said, "Well, son,
it looks like your dad's forgotten all about you."

"That wasn't my daddy," said the boy. "That man
just walked up, took me by the hand and said,

"Come on, son, we're going get a free haircut."

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: severed-head
Date: 17 Jul 08 - 06:54 AM

"What is your age?" asked the Barrister, "and remember you are under oath."
"I am twenty-one and some months." the woman answered.
"How many months?"
"One hundred and eight"

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Two Boy Scout Cubs, whose younger brother had fallen into the lake, rushed home to mother with tears in their eyes.
"We tried to give him artificial respiration," one of them sobbed, "but he keeps getting up and walking away."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Young Tommy was peering through a hole in the hedge surrounding a naturist camp. His friend asked "What can you see Tommy? Are there men or women in there?"
"I can't tell," replied Tommy
"None of them have any clothes on"

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

An American tourist found himself in a sleepy little English village and asked one of the locals the age of the oldest inhabitant.
"Well Zur, we ain't got one now. He died last week"

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 17 Jul 08 - 04:55 AM

On the lines of Foolestroupes quips:-

What does an occasional table do when it isn't.
Why is there only one Monopolies Commission.
When the person inventing the drawing board got it wrong...what did they go back to?
Why is there only one word for Thesaurus?
Why do so few people know how to spell Dyslexia?
If cabbage is good for you...why do cabbage white butterflies only live for one day?
Why does someone always answer the phone when you get a wrong number?

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 17 Jul 08 - 01:53 AM

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Party.

Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:

'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian'

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.

His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, 'Son… what happened last night?'

'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??'

His son replies, 'Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, I'm married!!'

Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time.




PRICELESS!

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: GUEST,lox
Date: 14 Jul 08 - 11:06 AM

Alright then you asked for it ...

What did Jim Morison say to one of his groupies when it started getting cold?


hmmm?


hmmm?



come on baby!

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 14 Jul 08 - 10:47 AM

Ponderisms

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll
squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?'

Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.'

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
   
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?


But Most Of All, Remember!


Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway!

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: John O'L
Date: 14 Jul 08 - 06:11 AM

Jim Morrison jokes eh?

What did Jim Morrison say when he exposed himself onstage?











(Scroll down)













"This is the end ..."

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 13 Jul 08 - 08:53 PM

Such originality!

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 13 Jul 08 - 07:20 PM

I'm in awe, lox!

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: GUEST,lox
Date: 13 Jul 08 - 06:53 PM

I made this up last week.

It's my magnum opus!

Are you ready?

Here goes!



    Why did Jim Morrison cross the road?





               (scroll down)


















    To get to the other side ...

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 13 Jul 08 - 04:18 PM

"Lumber"

A new convert to Catholicism decided to go to
confession to deal with his transgression. In the
confessional, he told the priest that he had sinned.

"What was your sin, my son?" asked the priest.

"I stole some lumber, Father," replied the man.

"How much lumber did you steal?" asked the priest.

"Father, I built my German Shepherd dog a nice new
doghouse."

The priest replied, "Well, that's not so bad."

The man continued, "Father, I also built myself a
four-car garage."

"Well, now, that's a little more serious."

"Father, there's more. In addition to the doghouse,
the four-car garage, I also built a five-bedroom, four- bath
house!"

With a pause, the priest finally spoke. "That is a
little more serious. I'm afraid you'll have to make
a novena."

"Father, I'm not sure what a novena is, but if you've
got the blueprints, I've got the lumber!"

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 13 Jul 08 - 04:16 PM

"Bubba At The Revival"

Bubba goes to the revival and listens to the
preacher.

After a while, the preacher asks anyone with
needs to come forward and be prayed over.

Bubba gets in line and when it's his turn the
preacher says,

"Bubba, what you want me to pray about?"

Bubba says, "Preacher, I need you to pray
for my hearing."

So the preacher puts one finger in Bubba's ear
and the other hand on top of his head and prays
a while. After a few minutes, he removes his
hands and says, "Bubba, how's your hearing
now?"

Bubba says, "I don't know preacher, the court
date is not until next Wednesday."

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Joe_F
Date: 12 Jul 08 - 09:20 PM

There is a much older one about a duchess in a military hospital. She asks a soldier where he was wounded. He is bashful, and she says, Come, now, we're both grownups. All right, says, he, In the penis. Oh, says she, with a hint of concern, and was the bone broken? My compliments to the Duke, says the soldier.

*

Q. What is half of one and six dozen of the other?
A. A gross discrepancy.

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: John O'L
Date: 12 Jul 08 - 06:44 AM

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also blonde. The cop asked to see the driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

'What does it look like?' she finally asked. The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has your picture on it.' The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.

'Here it is,' she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,

'OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.'

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 11 Jul 08 - 11:59 PM

I'm not making this up, you know...

http://au.news.yahoo.com/a/-/australian-news/4783517/weevil-upset-bellyache-bush

Weevil could upset bellyache bush
July 12, 2008, 5:39 am

A new weapon is being developed in the battle against one of northern Australia's worst weeds.

A Mexican stem-boring weevil has been imported to Australia and is being carefully studied in quarantine.

It is hoped the beetle could help slow the spread of the bellyache bush weed, which is threatening tropical rivers from the Kimberley, through the Northern Territory and into Queensland.

Scientists are testing the weevil against almost 40 other plants, and have yet to successfully breed it under laboratory conditions.

It could take years before the weevil is approved for release as a biological control.

The jury is still out over the success of the last insect released to control bellyache bush.

Around 19,000 central American jewel bugs were released across the Top End during the last five years, but pastoralists say they have been wiped out by native assassin beetles.

~~~~~~~~~

So only time will tell which was the lesser of two weevils...

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Ernest
Date: 11 Jul 08 - 12:30 PM

LOL: shooting buffalo with a shotgun....

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Mrrzy
Date: 11 Jul 08 - 11:52 AM

From a friend in Congress...

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other.

He says to the waiter:



'Want coffee.'

The waiter says,



'Sure, Chief. Coming right up.'

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then walks out.



The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter 'Want coffee.'

The waiter says 'Whoa, there Tonto!
We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?'

The Indian smiles and proudly says:





'Training for position in United States Congress:
Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.'

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: severed-head
Date: 10 Jul 08 - 06:52 AM

Sex in the Shower

In a recent survey, people from Liverpool have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower.

In the survey, carried out for leading toiletries firm 'Brut', a whopping 86% of Liverpudlians said that they have enjoyed sex in the shower.

The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison ....

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 07 Jul 08 - 07:31 PM

"New Word Definitions"

Found posted in the Physical Planning Office
at the Indiana University of Pennsylvania.

*Contractor -* A gambler who never gets to shuffle,
cut or deal.

*Low Bidder -* A contractor who is wondering what
he left out.

*Project Manager -* The conductor of an orchestra
in which every musician is in a different union.

*Critical Path Method -* A management technique
for losing your shirt under perfect control.

*OSHA -* A protective coating made by half-baking
a mixture of fine print, red tape, split hairs and
baloney--usually applied at random with a shotgun.

*Strike -* An effort to increase egg production by
strangling the chicken.

*Completion Date -* The point at which liquidated
damages begin.

*Liquidated Damages -* A penalty for failing to
achieve the impossible.

*Auditor -* Person who goes in after the war is lost
and bayonets the wounded.

*Lawyer -* Person who goes in after the auditors
to strip the bodies.

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 07 Jul 08 - 07:09 PM

Is this the world's oldest "joke?"

Did you hear about the woman who sat in a bathful of glue?


Disarsed 'er!

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: dick greenhaus
Date: 07 Jul 08 - 10:28 AM

Not to mention the cellist who got locked into his convertible. And it started raining. And he couldn't raise the top. (he's the one who was trapped on an escalator for hours during a power outage. )

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Andrez
Date: 07 Jul 08 - 06:10 AM

Aha! Somewhere I feel I can make a small but lasting contribution to the sum total of human mirth.

Q: What do you call two banana peels?
A: A pair of slippers!

Its all downhill from here folks

:-)

Cheers,

Andrez

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: peterfirth
Date: 06 Jul 08 - 08:30 PM

Then there's the story of the bass player who locked himself in his car. It took the drummer 3 hours to unlock the car and rescue him.

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: dick greenhaus
Date: 06 Jul 08 - 12:11 PM

So there was this bluegrass band..just starting to get popular. Bar bookings, maybe a festival or two. THey had one problem, though--the bass player kept getting behind on the beat, dragging down the tempo. The other band members tried to teach, convince, persuade, cajole him..but to no effect. They finally had to fire him and find a replacement.

THe bass player took it very hard. He brooded. He took to drinking. And finally, in a fit of depression, he went to the railroad station and threw himself behind a train.

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Mrrzy
Date: 06 Jul 08 - 09:15 AM

(From my newly-13 son) Why is a woman like a condom? Because she spends more time in your wallet than on your dick!