BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 24 Aug 08 - 08:31 PM

Continued in The 5th Joke thread of 2008!

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 24 Aug 08 - 03:17 AM

,,, but why are you smiling like one then?

:-P

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: RangerSteve
Date: 23 Aug 08 - 11:09 PM

I just tried it. I can touch all my teeth with my tongue. I don't feel like an idiot.

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 23 Aug 08 - 09:45 PM

6 truths of life:






1. You cannot touch all your teeth with your tongue.






2. All idiots, after reading the first truth try it






3. The first truth is a lie






4. You're smiling now because you're an idiot.






5. You soon will forward this to another idiot






6. There's still a stupid smile on your face

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 23 Aug 08 - 03:23 PM

A priest, a Baptist preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to
the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette.

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to
talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't
really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment: They
would all go out into the woods; each would find a bear, preach to                and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has
various bandages, goes first."Well," he says, "I went into the woods
to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from
the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and
began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water,
sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a
lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion
and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm
and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and
brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL brothers, you KNOW that we
don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began
to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted
nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to
wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another
until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his
hairy soul! And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb.
We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital
bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors
running in and out of him. He was in bad shape.

The rabbi looks up and very deliberately and painfully says,
"Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to
start."

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: severed-head
Date: 22 Aug 08 - 04:44 PM

One fine day in Ireland, a bloke is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and drives the ball.
Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge lump on his head and the golf ball lying right beside him.
'Goodness,' says the golfer, and proceeds to revive the poor little guy. Upon awakening, the little guy says, 'Well, you caught me fair and square; I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes.'
The man says, 'I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly,' and walks away.
Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun thinks, 'Well, he was a nice enough guy and he did help me so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want -- unlimited money, a great golf game and a great sex life.'
A year passes and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods, goes looking for his ball and comes across the same leprechaun. He asks the leprechaun how he is and the leprechaun replies: 'I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?'
The golfer says 'It's great! I hit under par every time.'
The leprechaun says, 'I did that for you.
And how is your money holding out?'
The golfer says, 'Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred dollar bill.'
The leprechaun smiles and says, 'I did that for you. too. And how is your sex life?'
The golfer looks at him shyly and says, 'Well, maybe once or twice a week.'
The leprechaun is floored and stammers, 'Once or twice a week?'
The golfer, a little embarrassed, looks at him and says, 'Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: BK Lick
Date: 20 Aug 08 - 10:18 PM

A Short Love Story

A man and a woman who had never met before, and who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans- continental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly -- he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 2:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold." "I have a better idea," she replied "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married." "Yes. That's a great idea!" he exclaimed. "Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket!"

After a moment of stunned silence, he farted.

The End

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Alan Day
Date: 19 Aug 08 - 09:52 AM

Is that the set Jim?
Al

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: olddude
Date: 18 Aug 08 - 07:00 PM

sick but funny:


A guy goes into a bar with a monkey, the monkey runs across the bar and starts swallowing everything he can get. Opens up the pickled eggs and down the hatch. He then jumps to the pool table, grabs the que ball puts it in his mouth and swallows it. The bartender says, what is with your monkey? he swallows everything, he just swallowed a que ball. The guys says yea he does stuff like that.

A week later the guy comes back into the bar with the monkey, the monkey starts grabbing thinks, putting them up his butt and then swallowing them. The bartender says that is disgusting , now your monkey is putting things up his butt and swallowing them. The guy says yes ... well after he swallowed the que ball ... he now measures everything first!

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 18 Aug 08 - 06:47 PM

See my Pinocchio joke here.

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: olddude
Date: 18 Aug 08 - 06:46 PM

A ventriloquist was doing an act and was making blond joke after blond joke. Finally a lady stood up and said. I am sick of this, all you are doing is supporting the notion that blonds are somehow less intelligent. I get so sick of people like you.

The ventriloquist replied, I am sorry I didn't mean to offend you, it is just and act ... really wasn't anything ... I apologize

The blond said ... I wasn't talking to you mister. I was talking to the little wooden bastard next to you.

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Alan Day
Date: 18 Aug 08 - 05:49 PM

Sad news about Pinochio
Set fire to himself masturbating.


How do you make love to your wife Pinochio?
I get her to sit on my face and I tell lots of lies.

Al

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 18 Aug 08 - 12:15 PM

Diet Tip

A woman in our diet club was lamenting that
she had gained weight. She'd made her family's
favorite cake over the weekend, she reported,
and they'd eaten half of it at dinner.

Her husband teased her and said she would never
be able to stay away from the other half until dinner
the next night.

The next day, she said, she kept staring at the other
half, until finally she cut a thin slice for herself. One
slice led to another, and soon the whole cake was
gone. The woman went on to tell us how upset she
was with her lack of willpower, and how she knew
her husband would rub it in.

Everyone commiserated, until someone asked what
her husband said when he found out.

She smiled. "He never found out. I made another
cake and ate half!"

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 18 Aug 08 - 12:04 PM

The Cost of Brain Transplants

A man was told by the doctor that he needed a brain transplant. The man was distraught, but he started asking the doctor about his options, and the doctor began to show him three different brains.

The doctor told him, "The first brain we have is a truck driver's brain. He was a moral man, a kind man and a very good family man that made about $50,000-$75,000 per year. We can sell you this brain for $1 million!"
The doctor went on, "The second brain is that of a Harvard law professor. He was a good moral man, very religious, very kind, he always was charitable and helped others, and he made about $250,000. We can sell you that brain for $2 million."

"The third brain is that of a banjo player, and we get $20 million for that brain!" He then shut his mouth and didn't say another word.

The man looked at the doctor and asked, "How come the banjo player's brain is so expensive?"

The doctor replied, "Obviously you don't know much about banjo players! A banjo player's brain is barely used!"

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: dick greenhaus
Date: 12 Aug 08 - 01:22 PM

So this guy sidles up to a barstool next to this gorgeous blonde, and asks her if he can buy her a drink. The 6-foot four-inch bartender walks up and growls: "That's my wife. Now what do you want?" And the man replies, "Er, I'd just like a piece of beer."

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: ToulouseCruise
Date: 12 Aug 08 - 01:05 PM

Oldie but a goodie...

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar.

After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar turn and stares at them.

Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.

She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which, he responds at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean, $200?"

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 12 Aug 08 - 10:53 AM

"The Art of Borrowing"

Every time the man next door headed toward
Robinson's house, Robinson knew he was
coming to borrow something.

"He won't get away with it this time," muttered
Robinson to his wife. "Watch this."

"Err, I wonder if you'd be using your power-saw
this morning," the neighbor began.

"Gee, I'm awfully sorry," said Robinson with a
smug look, "but the fact of the matter is, I'll be
using it all day."

"In that case," said the neighbor, "you won't be
using your golf clubs; mind if I borrow 'em?"

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 11 Aug 08 - 12:14 PM

"In Trouble"

I saw my coworker Jim Monday morning. I was
about to ask him how his weekend went when
I noticed his black eye. It was a real shiner.

"What the hell happened to you? Were you
mugged?" I asked.

"Worse" Jim said painfully.   

"Were you hit by a car? What happened?"

"Suzie and I went to up to that bed and breakfast
in Mendocino this weekend. We met Liz and Kevin
there." he said.

"Well? How did you get that black eye? How did
you get those bruises on your arms? What about
that cut over your other eye? Were you in an auto
accident?" I said, interrupting his story.

"Well, Sunday morning we were seated at the table
with Liz and Kevin and a couple on their honeymoon.
We were all having breakfast together. That
honeymoon couple looked at each other with love in
their eyes, when he turned to his new bride and asks
'would you please pass the sugar, sugar?'

"We all smiled and Suzie had that look, you know the
'isn't that romantic' look women get.

Then Kevin said to Liz, 'Please pass the honey, honey.

"Suzie gave a heavy sigh and looked at me. The last
thing I remember before waking up in the emergency
room was turning to Suzie and saying 'Please pass
the tea-bag'."

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: GUEST,heric
Date: 09 Aug 08 - 11:45 PM

A salesman rang a doorbell and the door was opened by a seven year old boy wearing a robe, with a Playboy and a cigar in his right hand, and a martini glass in the left. With only the briefest pause, the salesman asked "Excuse me, son, are your parents at home?"

The boy looked sideways, then up at the man, and said "What do you fucking think?"

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Wesley S
Date: 08 Aug 08 - 10:42 AM

So this Department of Water Resources representative stops at a
Texas ranch and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, I need to inspect your ranch for your water allocation.

The old rancher says, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there."

The Water representative says, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.. See this card? This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"

The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.

Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the Water Rep running for his life. And close behind is the rancher's bull. The bull is gaining with every step. The Rep is clearly terrified, so the old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

"Your card! Show him your card!"

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 07 Aug 08 - 06:47 PM

"Depressed Dog"

A sad Bassett Hound was relating his troubles
to his friend.

"I'm really depressed all the time, and I think
negative thoughts. I'm always bored, I feel
listless and I am always tired."

"Why not go see a psychiatrist?" suggested the
friend.

"Well, I would," said the Bassett Hound, "except
that I'm not allowed on the couch."

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Donuel
Date: 06 Aug 08 - 10:56 AM

At work I had to take a sexual harrasment and stalking seminar.
And I think I'm getting reeally good at it now.

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 06 Aug 08 - 09:36 AM

"The Fundamentalist Dog"

This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important
to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet. So,
they went shopping.

At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they
found a dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked
the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When
they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied
equally fast, using his paws with dexterity. They were
impressed, purchased the animal, and went home.

That night they had friends over. They were so proud
of their new fundamentalist dog and his major skills,
they called in the dog and showed off a little.

The friends were impressed and asked whether the
dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks as
well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't
thought about "normal" tricks.

Well, they said. "Let's try this out." Once more they
called the dog and they clearly pronounced the
command, "Heel!"

Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on
the man's forehead, closed his eyes in concentration
and bowed his head.

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 05 Aug 08 - 07:56 PM

Good question. Embarrassed emoticon.

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 05 Aug 08 - 08:43 AM

"Bungee Jumping In Mexico"

While Al and Joe were bungee jumping one day.
Al says to Joe, "You know, we could make a lot of
money running our own bungee jumping service
in Mexico."

Joe thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their
money and buy everything they'll need; a tower,
an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to
Mexico and begin to set up on the square.

As they are constructing the tower a crowd begins
to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather
to watch them work. When they had finished, there
was such a crowd they thought it would be a good
idea to give a demonstration. So Al jumps.

He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he
comes back up, Joe notices that he has a few cuts
and scratches. Unfortunately, Joe isn't able to catch
him, and he falls again, bounces again and comes
back up again.

This time he is bruised and bleeding. Again Joe misses
him. Al falls again and bounces back up. This time he
comes back pretty messed up. He's got a couple of
broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily Joe
catches him this time and says, "What happened?
Was the cord too long?"

Barely able to speak, Al gasps, "No, the bungee cord
was fine. It was the crowd... WHAT THE HECK IS A
PIÑATA?"

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: GUEST
Date: 04 Aug 08 - 05:16 AM

Severed-head @ 05:07 29/7...
God first said (under His breath) "Jeez."       [To Adam, of course.]


Now, thats what you CALL family planning!

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Splott Man
Date: 04 Aug 08 - 03:41 AM

Sorry, I've got to do it...

100!

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 03 Aug 08 - 11:53 AM

"Cute Questions asked by Kids"

She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup,
under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter
as she'd done many times before. After she applied
her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said,
"But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper
good-bye!"



My young grandson called the other day to wish me
Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I
told him, "62." He was quiet for a moment, and then
he asked, "Did you start at 1?"



A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter
what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate
outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire;
it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our
pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."
The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last
she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"



A little girl was diligently pounding away on her
grandfather's word processor. She told him she
was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked.
"I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."



I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her
colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point
out something and ask what color it was. She
would tell me and was always correct. It was fun
for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the
door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should
try to figure out some of these yourself!"



When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation
cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to
keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies
followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy
whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes
are coming after us with flashlights."



When my grandson asked me how old I was, I
teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your
underwear, Grandpa," he advised. "mine says I'm
four to six."

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Donuel
Date: 02 Aug 08 - 12:09 PM

I took out a reverse mortgage and the bank was foreclosed.

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Donuel
Date: 02 Aug 08 - 11:36 AM

Marriage is Grand. Divorce is a couple hundred Grand.


Nobody goes to Obama rallys anymore, they are too crowded,


Britany Spears says "I love Bush and hate Obama so I am glad I was in the Obama video"



Anthrax attack accusation lead to sthe uicide of poor Mr. Ivans.
Not wanting to face the similar problems of falsely accused Mr. Hatfield who recieved a settlement for 5.3 million dollars ($3 million after taxes), Mr. Irans took an overdose of muscle relaxers and died prior to the advance warning of arrest and Congressional hearings.
Mr. Ivans will forever be innocent in the eyes of the law and friends.

It was said that it is impossible that he was guilty despite the findings of a whacko liberal goverment psychiatrist.

1. He was deeply involved in his Evangelical Church.
2, He was a great Republican patriot and huge fan of Rush Limbaugh, Bill O'Reilly and John Savage.
3."He was a dedicated NRA member with hundreds of guns and was an all around nice guy" according to his neighbor (name with held).


The Bush Justus Department was quoted as saying "We are glad to finally put this incident behind us"

If you recall, live Anthrax was sent to Democratic Senators, Congressmaen and "liberal" news anchors who did not openly support another Iraq/US war.

Senator John McCain was quoted tp say that "intelligence reports point to Iraq and perhaps Iran as the Anthrax terrorists".


If real life isn't funny enough, I have a great gospel style song about Anthrax I wrote 7 years ago.

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Walrus
Date: 02 Aug 08 - 01:36 AM

Heard recently

What's the difference between Max Mosley and Robert Mugabe?



Mosley admit when he's been beaten.


(Coat collected, just waiting for the cab)

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 01 Aug 08 - 02:47 PM

Ramblings of a Retired Mind:

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse.
I can't afford one. - So, I'm wearing my garage door opener.


You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.


I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!


I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is 'when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.'


I thought about making a fitness movie, for folks my age, and call it 'Pumping Rust.'


I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!


I know, when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, 'Oh, have you got a cat?' Just once I want to say - 'No, it's for company!'


Employment application blanks always ask 'who is to be notified in case of an emergency.'   I think you should write - 'A Good Doctor!'


Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do... write to these men? - Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail? - Or better yet, arrest them while they are taking their pictures!


I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older - then, it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals.

As for me - I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Anne Lister
Date: 31 Jul 08 - 06:34 PM

Picking up on the story above - this isn't a joke exactly, but a true anecdote from a friend of mine who was trying to set up a computer system for all three forces here in the UK. She said one of the problems was the different use of language. For example, if you said "Secure that building" to the Army, they'd have sharp shooters trained on the exits, they'd have soldiers going in and taking over and within minutes the building would be taken. But "Secure that building" to the Navy would mean putting down an anchor, lashing it down with ropes and probably adding a few sandbanks for good measure. Whereas the Air Force would get hold of the title deeds ....

Anne

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 31 Jul 08 - 10:35 AM

"Army Vs. Navy"

A salty Navy Chief and a crusty Army First Sergeant
are at a bar arguing about who had the tougher
career.

"I did 30 years in the Rangers," the SFC declared
proudly, "and fought in three of my country's wars.
Fresh out of boot camp, I hit the beach at Okinawa,
clawed my way up the blood-soaked sand, and
eventually took out an entire enemy machine gun
nest with a single grenade.

As a sergeant, I fought in Korea alongside General
MacArthur. We pushed back the enemy inch by
bloody inch all the way up to the Chinese border,
always under a barrage of artillery and small arms
fire.

Finally, as a Staff Sergeant, I did three consecutive
combat tours in Vietnam. We humped through the
mud and razor grass for 14 hours a day, plagued
by rain and mosquitoes, ducking under sniper fire
all day and mortar fire at night. In afire fight, we'd
shoot until our arms ached and our guns were
empty, then we'd charge the enemy with bayonets!"

Looking straight ahead, the Chief says nothing.
Then after a deliberately long, slow drink, the
Chief says, "Yeah, figures... all shore duty."

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 31 Jul 08 - 10:27 AM

"Lack Of Communications"

All airmen going through basic training at Lackland
Air Force Base in California are urged to write
frequent letters home.

But they don't always do so.

One such airman had to be called into the
commander's office when this letter was received
from his mother:

"Dear Sir:

I have not heard from my son for three weeks.
If he is dead, please send his body to Route 1,
Hugo, Oklahoma 74743."s

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: severed-head
Date: 31 Jul 08 - 06:49 AM

This is being circulated as a genuine complaint to the police in England. I've no idea whether it's true or not, but it's well written and quite amusing.

This is a genuine complaint to Devon & Cornwall Police Force from an angry member of the public.
A true email sent to the force, lengthy but brilliantly written.....

Dear Sir/Madam/Automated telephone answering service,
Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Bodmin police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead.

Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues in Bodmin, by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija board.

As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in St Mary's Crescent, which is just off St Mary's Road in Bodmin.

Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the entire building.
This game is now in its third week and as I am unsure how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.

The remaining five walking-abortions are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on speed.

I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the bottle of Calor gas that is lying on its side between the two bins.
If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it.. I would even go so far as to lend them the matches.

Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.

What I suggest is this - after replying to this e-mail with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a Panda car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.

I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming to arrest me.

I remain sirs, your obedient servant
???????

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Mr ??????,

I have read your e-mail and understand your frustration at the problems caused by youths playing in the area and the problems you have encountered in trying to contact the police.

As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you.

Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.

Regards
PC ?
Community Beat Officer

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear PC ?
First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my original e-mail.

16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Bodmin Police Station, and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next book.

Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its own Community Beat Officer.

May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills? In the five or so years I have lived in St Mary's Crescent, I have never seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin? It's surely only a matter of time before you are head-hunted by MI5.

Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in Bodmin, such as smoking in a public place or being Christian without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these twits that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere.

The pitch on Fairpark Road, or the one at Priory Park are both within spitting distance as is the bottom of the Par Dock, the latter being the preferred option especially if the tide is in.

Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to contact me on . If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I'll buy you a large one in the Cat and Fiddle Pub.

Regards
?

P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you don't work for the cleansing department, with whom I am also in contact!!

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: GUEST,Joy Bringer
Date: 30 Jul 08 - 11:41 AM

George Bush goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a little PR ....

After his talk he then offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him his name.

"Stanley" responds the little boy. And what is your question, Stanley?

    I have 4 questions:

    First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?

    Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?

    Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?

    Fourth, why is it 1/2 of all Americans don't have health insurance ?


Just then, the bell rings for recess.

George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume George says, OK, where were we?

Oh, that's right, Question time. Who has a question?

Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him his name.

"Johnnie" he responds. And what is your question, Johnnie?

    Actually Sir, I have 6 questions:

    First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?

    Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?

    Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?

    Fourth, why has only 1/2 the population of American got health insurance?

    Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?

    And Sixth, what the !?!@# happened to Stanley?

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: quokka
Date: 30 Jul 08 - 11:37 AM

loved the duck eddie1. Pure gold.

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Mrrzy
Date: 29 Jul 08 - 08:37 PM

One question is, should you put Descartes before divorce?

A local priest and a pastor were fishing on the side of the road. They thoughtfully made a sign saying, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" and showed it to each passing car.
      One driver who drove by didn't appreciate the sign and shouted at them, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!"

      All of a sudden they heard a big splash, looked at each other, and the priest said to the pastor, "You think maybe we should have just said 'Bridge Out' instead?"

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: severed-head
Date: 29 Jul 08 - 05:07 PM

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well
waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would
be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!',
and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning,
let alone ' Happy Birthday.'

I thought...

Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids...
They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
and didn't say a word.

So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low
and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said,
'Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday ! '

It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock , when Jane knocked on my door
and said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me.'

I said, 'Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day. Let's go !'

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally
would go. She chose instead at a quiet bistro
with a private table.

We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?'

I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind ?'

She said, 'Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said,
'Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.

I'll be right back.'

'OK.' I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes,
she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends
and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.



And I just sat there...




On the couch...




Naked.

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Wesley S
Date: 29 Jul 08 - 04:42 PM

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked, 'Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?'

The operator said, 'I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number?'

The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, 'Norma Findlay, Room 302.'

The operator replied, 'Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse.'

After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said, 'Good news. Her nurse has told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine. Her blood work just came back as normal and her Physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday.'

The grandmother said, 'Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news.'
The operator replied, 'You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?'

The Grandmother said, 'No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me shit around here.'

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 29 Jul 08 - 11:35 AM

Sex and Death

"Death is one of the few things that can be
done as easily lying down. The difference
between sex and death is that with death
you can do it alone and no one is going to
make fun of you."
-- Woody Allen

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: eddie1
Date: 29 Jul 08 - 05:46 AM

Received from a girlfriend.

GIVING UP WINE

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty, shabby-looking homeless woman, asking for a few dollars for dinner.

I drew ten dollars from my wallet and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the woman assured me.

"Will you waste it on shopping instead of buying food?" I asked.

"No, I don't waste time shopping," the homeless woman said. "I spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" I persisted.

"Are you NUTS!" exclaimed the homeless woman. "I havent had my hair done in 20 years!"

'Well," I said, "Instead of giving you the ten dollars, I want to take you out for a good dinner tonight! We'll meet my husband at the restaurant."

The homeless woman was stunned. "Won't your husband be furious with you? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell awful."

"That's okay," I told her. "It's important for him to see how a woman looks after giving up shopping, hair appointments, and wine."


THE DUCK

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on ! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too," says the
duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich,
please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as
he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get
many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?

"I'm working on the building site across the
road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck
and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when
the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer,
eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and
the barman says to him "You're with the circus,
aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be
just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks
beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing
over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub
the barman says, "Hey, Mr. Duck, I reckon I can
line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"

"At the circus," says the barman.

"The circus?" repeats the duck.

"That's right," replies the barman.

"The circus?" the duck asks again. "That place with the big tent?"

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and
performers who live in caravans?" asks the duck.

"Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas
roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says,

"What on earth do they want with a plasterer??!"


Eddie

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: severed-head
Date: 29 Jul 08 - 05:07 AM

God said, 'Adam, I want you to do something for Me.'

Adam said, 'Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?'

God said, 'Go down into that valley.'

Adam said, 'What's a valley?'

God explained it to him. Then God said, 'cross the river.'

Adam said, 'What's a river?'

God explained that to him and then said, 'go over to the hill....'

Adam said, 'What is a hill?'

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.

He told Adam, 'On the other side of the hill you will find a cave.'

Adam said, 'What's a cave?'

After God explained, He said, 'In the cave you will find a woman.'

Adam said, 'What's a Woman?'

So God explained that to him, too.

Then, God said, 'I want you to reproduce.'

Adam said, 'How do I do that?'

God first said (under His breath), 'Geez.....' and then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.

Then, in about five minutes, he was back.

God, His patience wearing thin, said angrily, 'What is it now?'

And Adam said....

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

'What's a headache?

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Joe_F
Date: 27 Jul 08 - 09:46 PM

Back to eastern Europe:

It was the 150th anniversary of Chopin's birth, and the USSR built an appropriate monument. Of course, the Polish ambassador was invited to the dedication. A drape was lifted off, revealing a statue of a seated man with a pointy beard. "But" -- expostulated the ambassador -- "this is not Chopin!" "Of course not!" huffed the Russian sitting next to him, "This is Lenin *listening* to Chopin."

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 27 Jul 08 - 05:45 PM

p.s. John Cleese did not write it. See Snopes.com.

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: frogprince
Date: 27 Jul 08 - 05:43 PM

You push the little button, and the legs fold up.

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 27 Jul 08 - 05:42 PM

For the benefit of those folklorists who want to compare in detail the subtle variations on the "revocation of independence" theme, I have compiled a little list:

1. 13 Nov 2000
2. 15 Nov 2000 - 07:08 AM
3. 15 Nov 2000 - 09:11 AM
4. 18 Nov 2000
5. 28 Nov 2000
6. 29 Nov 2000
7. 08 Dec 2000
8. 02 Apr 2001
9. 09 Nov 2004
10. 25 Nov 2004 - 04:13 AM
11. 25 Nov 2004 - 07:12 PM
12. 06 Jul 2005
13. 09 Oct 2005

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 27 Jul 08 - 03:18 PM

Okay, I'll be the one to bite: Why?

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: frogprince
Date: 27 Jul 08 - 03:16 PM

This seems so obvious, but to the best of my knowledge it's never appeared in print before:

   Why is a woman like a card table?