BS: Middle Age Dating

Subject: BS: Middle Age Dating
From: Dewey
Date: 01 Jan 09 - 06:42 AM

O.K. guys. I finally decided I need a woman. I gave up trying to find one for many years, figuring I was perfectly happy single.

All of a sudden, bam! I actual care now! big dummy: everyone's married. has kids. is divorced. etc. etc. Tried some of these dating sites: nothing but hook-ups, casual encounters, bi-sexuals, poly-amorous etc. etc. etc.

Basically, the same problem I had in my teens and twenties, no real people, no real commitment, no real love, no real substance.

Every girl I met is warm body material and hormones only, and mostly short term relationship oriented. (why are there so many people this way? Why is their love so cheap and worthless? that is why I never dated much while in my prime, frankly it disgusted me to date, and believe me I was far from not being interested in sex, I just didn't want to ruin it for myself and never have somebody I could trust or relate too. its the same probelm today only worse!

For example: I Met a lady last week. Talked on the phone to her. Now our relationship is over. She wanted me to go to bed with her after only knowing her for a week. She wanted me to move into her upstairs apartment and move to Minneapolis (told my co-workers all this and they were high fiving it!) I turned her offer down though, and she broke my heart in two. Do I look that stupid? BTW: She had a slut score of 62% on OK cupid, higher than that of most porn stars. Swore to me she would be my one and only.

Basically, I'm having a mid-life crisis, that is not being helped by the sad state of today's love starved society. Could be hormones too, that has put me back in the game- I kid you not! At the age most men are cheating on their wives, I'm finally thinking about getting in the game of love? Go figure? what is wrong with me? I haven't got a clue.

All of a sudden women are looking extra good to me now, and they never even did when I was in my twenties. They looked like more problems than they were worth. Now I'm getting where I don't even care about the problems (at least somewhat) Sex, would be nice thing for me now, of course, but it would still have to be with the right person that I could trust (still) and she would commit to me (still). I've been out of the loop for a long, long time.

Any idea where I can find, a decent moral person at my age that is looking for a long term relationship. Shacking up with someone just to satisfy my biological desires, sometimes may be tempting, but I still know its wrong, and would probably not do it, when actual push came to shove. Can't say I haven't been tempted to though, I mean we all have needs(LOL)

Laugh it up guys. I just know that I am a horny middle aged gentleman that doesn't want to get myself into trouble, but would like to be near someone, hopeful in the near future as I am not getting any younger.

Would like to know where to start my search for a decent female to admire and express my affection toward.

thanks for any help/ advice you could give.

And of course let the jokes begin (LOL)

BTW I'm not shy! I would ask any woman out, and have one heck of a time to boot, but there are other issues now, manily there is not much to choose from around here.

Subject: RE: BS: Middle Age Dating
From: Acorn4
Date: 01 Jan 09 - 07:56 AM

I didn't actually get married util I was forty, and always thought that a bit early really, although I've never been remotely close to straying.

Most of the time before this i got involved with women who were a bit like chasing a bar of soap around the bath. If you look for things too hard it often ends in disappointment; more often than not love will creep up on you slowly when you are least expecting it. Just get as active and varied social life as you can, and see what happens rather than all this internet rubbish.

Subject: RE: BS: Middle Age Dating
From: Peter T.
Date: 01 Jan 09 - 08:00 AM

This is no electronic couch, but you might wish to consider again why you thought in your teens and twenties "no real love, no real committment, etc." and how it seems to be the same for you now. I think you probably have some personal problems you need to still work through (your description of the woman you were briefly involved with would raise danger signals in any woman I know) about relationships.

Unless you are living in a cave, my experience is that decent females tend to come around when you are decent to start with. You should get on with being interesting, and interesting things will happen to you.



yours,

Peter T.

Subject: RE: BS: Middle Age Dating
From: Megan L
Date: 01 Jan 09 - 08:02 AM

If a man doesnt talk respectfull about women what hope do they have that he will behave respectfully

Subject: RE: BS: Middle Age Dating
From: jacqui.c
Date: 01 Jan 09 - 08:06 AM

Stop 'looking'. With both sexes the opposite sex seems mostly to have an antenna that recognises desperation and either avoids like the plague or takes advantage.

Try and get together with people who share your own interests, try to make friends with women without thinking about whether any particular one could be the love of your life. Sounds to me as if you have looked on women as a different species, there only for romantic or sexual purposes. It's possible that the women in your life may have picked up on that.

Subject: RE: BS: Middle Age Dating
From: gnu
Date: 01 Jan 09 - 08:38 AM

Dewey... "I turned her offer down though, and she broke my heart in two."

After a week?

Dewey have a problem here?

Subject: RE: BS: Middle Age Dating
From: VirginiaTam
Date: 01 Jan 09 - 08:52 AM

Hi Dewey

Sounds like maybe you are turning a corner in your life. Exciting things could happen. Maybe emotional intimacy is what you are looking for. If this is the case, get publicly involved in things that interest you. Be it hobby, politics, charity work, whatever.

When you meet a likeminded lady, listen actively when she talks on the shared interest. Don't be afraid to argue politely if you disagree. Let her know if you enjoyed the natter and thank her if her ideas gave you something to think about.

Rinse and repeat this process. Even if you don't find a lady love, you may very well make some very good female friends who can then help you find that one special someone.

Good luck to you.

Subject: RE: BS: Middle Age Dating
From: JohnInKansas
Date: 01 Jan 09 - 09:59 AM

It's not very helpful to say there are "no good women here" for those of us who don't know where you are.

A better definition than "middle aged" is truly needed now than in the past, as in many places that means 30 but elsewhere it actually is nearer 50 or beyond.

1. If possible, attend your next high school reunion. You knew them then, and they will mostly have much in common by way of background and culture that you will be able to relate to easily, instead of digging out the details via a new meeting. And by "middle age" (by whatever is your definition) there will likely be a number who are currently "unattached."

1.a. If there isn't a reunion coming up soon, your class may have a "class directory" that you could request from one of the "organizers" if you can identify one.

1.b. If "going back" is of interest, and you don't know who your organizers are, there are a number of websites (Classmates.com, Reunion.com, etc.) where you may be able to find at least one or two people you remember who could put you in touch with more interesting ones. NOTE: these sites are all total crap as websites and for the purposes intended, some require "membership" to look around, and "paid memeberships" to actually communicate with anybody; but you're desparate so you should be able to glean what's available with minimal commitment.

2. Volunteer to help with a community or church "youth group." You're obviously NOT INTERESTED in the typically late-adolescent members of the group (although many groups include up through college student ages), but they will instantly pass on to their mothers/aunts/uncles(if they think you're interested) that there's a new "eligible" in circulation. The drawback to this approach is that you have to tolerate (or even like) being around the nasty little "youthy" buggers, but there are risks to everything.

3. Rather than trying to join web "dating sites," or even just visiting the ones where you don't have to sign up, try running a "within x miles of" browse at MySpace (no registration or even login required to look) or at other "personal page" sites for persons who might match up. (Look for sites you don't have to join?)

The free "dating sites" and many of the paid ones are often more come-ons for porn and prostitution than for dating. The "personal page" sites of more general nature are less likely to produce only "commercial soliciting." (If your middle-age definition extends a little upward, be aware that 30% of the "over 50" females at MySpace are actually 13 lying about their age to "avoid perverts.")

The purpose here is not to find someone. It's a market survey to see what's actually available in your area. And remember that it doesn't represent the entire market.

4. There are probably a number of organizations for "middle aged singles" in your area, although they may be disguised under less obvious names. Check the "clubs and activities" section of a local newsapaper - or sometimes better yet in a local free "undergound" newspaper that you'll likely find on a table near the "rest rooms" at Borders or Barnes. A well-known one that probably will have at least similarly aged membership, as an example only, is called "Parents Without Partners." They require that you have a child, although you don't have to have custody and some groups will accept you if you have "frequent supervision" of one even if it's not yours, and you must (in my area) have a preacher or a lawyer certify that you're single. Quality of membership in this one is extremely variable and I'm not recommending them - just suggesting the kinds of groups you can look for, and a typical disguese for one. There should be at least a few other vaguely similar orgs for you to check out if you're willing to do some hunting.

5. With your expressed aversion to dating you probably aren't much enamored of joining organizations; but you must recognize that to find people you must be where there are people. Don't just sit at home polishing your butt and hoping something will come along without any effort on your own part. But DON'T go places that you truly don't like, since you're quite unlikely to like the people who like them.

John

Subject: RE: BS: Middle Age Dating
From: Bobert
Date: 01 Jan 09 - 10:08 AM

As others have pointed out, quit lookin' and if ya' can't do that, at the very least, quit lookin' in the wrong places...

B~

Subject: RE: BS: Middle Age Dating
From: Rapparee
Date: 01 Jan 09 - 11:16 AM

I thought this was about dating stuff from the Middle Ages, like writings and clothes and things.

Subject: RE: BS: Middle Age Dating
From: wysiwyg
Date: 01 Jan 09 - 11:28 AM

Focus on activities and how to be friends to the women who participate in them. Then let one of them pick YOU. Yield to the soft leadership of today's women. Make your priciples clear in your actions and words, and stick to them relaxedly. The rest will "happen."

~Former Middle Aged ManFinder (happily married to him)

Subject: RE: BS: Middle Age Dating
From: Rapparee
Date: 01 Jan 09 - 11:33 AM

I 'most always do what women tell me 'cause it's easier that way.

Subject: RE: BS: Middle Age Dating
From: VirginiaTam
Date: 01 Jan 09 - 11:34 AM

snerk

Call Chivalric Code today to meet your star-crossed love. Matchmakers live and on line ready to take your details and introduce you to the perfect lord or lady.

Chaperones and love (and suicide) potions available for small extra fee.

Courtly love

chivalry quotient quiz

Subject: RE: BS: Middle Age Dating
From: VirginiaTam
Date: 01 Jan 09 - 11:41 AM

Sorry Dewey

Didn't mean to make light of your thread. Rapaire made me do it.

I am on the same team as WYSIWIG. I met my honey on New Years Day 2001 in a poetry forum. He asked me to critique something he had written. I shredded it. It was pretty awful. He is evidently a masochist cuz he came back for more. Now he writes better than me. The cheek.

Anyway odd story weirder.... we married New Years day 2003.

Happy Anniversary, my love (he is SilentOne on the Mudcat).

Subject: RE: BS: Middle Age Dating
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 01 Jan 09 - 11:50 AM

Dewey, I think there might be some baggage you have to sort through in addition to looking for a woman whose dating ethos parallels yours.

Jacqui and Virginia nailed it with their remarks.

John commented about going to your high school reunion. That is an idea--and an eye-opener. Those classmate sites are an advertising boondoggle--I looked at one in the "free" mode for a while and was hammered by all of their email solicitations. I agree with him, joining on of those is not necessarily going to offer anything useful. Instead, set up an account on Facebook and make sure your groups include the high school you attended and the year you graduated.

Mudcatters have met and married through this forum, though they generally fall in the category of "regulars." 168 posts in the last nine years doesn't give members a lot of material to work with. If you're looking at Mudcat as a source of inspiration and community, then visiting here more often could be useful.

If you continue to inhabit the lunatic fringe, I don't predict a successful meeting here. But whatever, good luck.

SRS

Subject: RE: BS: Middle Age Dating
From: Rapparee
Date: 01 Jan 09 - 12:01 PM

Advice free for nothing.

Subject: RE: BS: Middle Age Dating
From: katlaughing
Date: 01 Jan 09 - 12:26 PM

SRS, thanks for the link...I knew there was something but couldn't put my finger on it.

Dewey, you sound to em as though you are prejudging any and all women you meet. Lots of good advice above.

JohninKS - I coined "center/centre-aged" a few years ago...still doesn't denote a specific age, but I like it better than the overused "middle' with its negative connotations.:-)

Subject: RE: BS: Middle Age Dating
From: Rapparee
Date: 01 Jan 09 - 12:32 PM

Both "center aged" and "middle aged" makes it look like you know where the other end is.... I have to stop and figure out how old I am whenever I'm asked (and I've always had to do so) because my age really has never made any difference to me and it shouldn't to anyone else.

If you find someone who is 20 years younger or older and who loves you, don't worry about years.

Subject: RE: BS: Middle Age Dating
From: Richard Bridge
Date: 01 Jan 09 - 12:55 PM

If you are getting leapt on frequently (without payment) you are better off than most. Don't sweat. Rub along with anyone who rubs the right bits of you and see what happens. You are over the worst period of your life for desperation and no longer need anyone to look after you so what are you so hassled about?

Oh, and don't do anything precipitate that could prove expensive, like matrimony or moving.

Subject: RE: BS: Middle Age Dating
From: Alice
Date: 01 Jan 09 - 01:49 PM

or getting an std

Subject: RE: BS: Middle Age Dating
From: Ed T
Date: 01 Jan 09 - 03:11 PM

I had to reset cookie, above Guest post was me.
Dating and an idea of life in the Middle Ages


Most people dated early in the year, hoping to get married in June. The reason, most people then took a yearly bath in May and still smelled OK in June. But, they were beginning to smell bad, so brides carried flowers to hide the funky odor. This may be a reason that brides carry a bouquet when getting married today.

Subject: RE: BS: Middle Age Dating
From: Richard Bridge
Date: 01 Jan 09 - 03:32 PM

STD? I know some people under 30 and they tell me that a condom is normal even if the fear of pregnancy is past or chemically or surgically restrained, and that one should not kiss what one has not visually inspected.

The difference between love and herpes is that herpes is for ever.

Subject: RE: BS: Middle Age Dating
From: gnu
Date: 01 Jan 09 - 03:57 PM

Perhaps I gave up on this thread too soon. I mean, it seemed trite to me from the first post. However, there are some great posts on the subject herein. Insightful, caring....

I identify, in a way. I gave it all up over a dozen years ago. I, too, find myself now, late at night, upset that I didn't persue matrimony and having children. I am now soon 52 years old. Am I too old to have children? If so, why chase after flesh? or a "relationship"?

Subject: RE: BS: Middle Age Dating
From: VirginiaTam
Date: 01 Jan 09 - 04:05 PM

Now I am going to be worrying my nights away about lonely catters.

Christ... ain't I got enough on my plate?

Subject: RE: BS: Middle Age Dating
From: Rapparee
Date: 01 Jan 09 - 04:11 PM

Well, gnu, if you're not post-menopausal childbearing may still be an option even at your age. You might also consider adopting.

Subject: RE: BS: Middle Age Dating
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 01 Jan 09 - 04:16 PM

I'd like to see him try it, Rap!   ;-D

Subject: RE: BS: Middle Age Dating
From: GUEST,lox
Date: 01 Jan 09 - 04:25 PM

Just take it easy on yourself and on anyone you fancy.

A sexual relationship, like friendship, should not be stressful.

So follow your nose and let it lead you where you are happy ...




... and take it easy ...

Subject: RE: BS: Middle Age Dating
From: katlaughing
Date: 01 Jan 09 - 04:34 PM

gnu, gno! You are not too old. We have a few catters who have actually become parents in their late 40s and early 50s if my memory serves.:-)

Subject: RE: BS: Middle Age Dating
From: Peter T.
Date: 01 Jan 09 - 04:53 PM

I know lots of old 30 year olds.

yours,

Peter T.

Subject: RE: BS: Middle Age Dating
From: Bobert
Date: 01 Jan 09 - 05:23 PM

Yeah, speaking of 30 years olds...

Just how old/young are you, Dewey??? I mean, "middle age" is a relative term these days...

B~

Subject: RE: BS: Middle Age Dating
From: Dewey
Date: 01 Jan 09 - 05:34 PM

I'm 39. thanks for asking. I guess I should have mentioned that.

Subject: RE: BS: Middle Age Dating
From: Rapparee
Date: 01 Jan 09 - 05:39 PM

So was Jack Benny and he's dead.

Subject: RE: BS: Middle Age Dating
From: gnu
Date: 01 Jan 09 - 05:55 PM

Rap, always the voice of raison.

Subject: RE: BS: Middle Age Dating
From: Rapparee
Date: 01 Jan 09 - 06:19 PM

Just doing my bit to make the world a little more surreal.

Subject: RE: BS: Middle Age Dating
From: Bobert
Date: 01 Jan 09 - 06:22 PM

39, heh???

Not to worry much.... Time is on your side...

Subject: RE: BS: Middle Age Dating
From: Dewey
Date: 01 Jan 09 - 07:41 PM

I may have mislead some of you. I'm still about as clean as the snow. The lady I spoke to I never met in person at all. It was just on the phone for about a week or so. And to start it was a clean and normal conversation.

She was listed as wanting a long term relationship, it was not a hook up. She lead me on and later when her true personality came out and her real intentions were made clear, I instantly dumped her with a broken heart, which was regretful only in the fact that I could not have an intimate relationship with her some day.

Also, if I talk of hook ups, they are in the back of my head, not in my heart, or not in the physical world for example. perhaps my biggest fault here is being too honest about my temptations, so as I am not understood correctly.

For example, to understand better.....If was tempted by a woman and she accepted. Ironically, I would probably end up still turning here down.

Your daughter for example, could be the hottest woman on the planet, and I probably sitll wouldn't do anything to her. But I would be a liar if I said to you, that I didn't cross my mind and I didn't desire to (does that make any sense?)

I had a gorgeous lady give me her phone number a month ago in a bar. I don't go into bars much but I was playing music there. She said the number was for guitar lessons. But every time I see her in person and bring up the subject of guitar she just walks away.


I feel so cheated at my age. But as the last example should show, when it comes my time, I always do what's right despite the human side of me which is tempted, and that is the truth. The cold hard truth!

Subject: RE: BS: Middle Age Dating
From: Ebbie
Date: 01 Jan 09 - 08:09 PM

There are people who invariably equate "yielding to sin" to sexual activity, just as when they say 'moral' they are inevitably referring to sexual matters. Do they truly, truly believe that their God holds physical pleasure between two consenting adults in greater disapprobation than gossip, cheating, character defamation, exploitation of the weak and helpless, gloating at someone else's misfortune or the blind pursuit of the almighty dollar?

If there is a God, I know which I believe. And I don't think that I am wiser than God.

Subject: RE: BS: Middle Age Dating
From: Dewey
Date: 01 Jan 09 - 08:41 PM

I agree Ebbie. I think Jesus, wasn't alarmed by the woman who was "caught in the act", despite her accusors. he said, "neither do I condemn THEE"


everybody remembers the "go and sin no more part," which is sound advise, but have they an idea that God understands, probably doesn't worry about it, and doesn't condemn. We are are harder on ourselves than our creator would be. I agree with you, that though some sex acts are mistakes and improper, they are no worse in the eyes of God than any other potential act.

Even my Christian mother said she would understand, if I yielded and desired a relationship outside of a marriage. But I still hope that never happens because my instincts tell me that would not be my answer.

Subject: RE: BS: Middle Age Dating
From: Bobert
Date: 01 Jan 09 - 08:44 PM

Listen to me, son...

You got stuff all backwards here... Seems that yer issue is sexual... Forget sex... Just put it out of yer little 39 year old brain for a minute...

Just think of women as people...

(What a navel concept, BOberdz...)

Okay they is mostly nutty people that men don't understand but that is fir another thread, or lots of threads...

But they are people first and formost...

Waht are yer interests in life??? Music??? Art??? Friggin' NASCAR??? Entering as many hot-dog eatin' contests as you can???

I mean, sex and youth and all that will one day fade a little and then yer gonna be stuck if that is what got you into a relationship... Right??? You all but said that yerself...

So wrap yerself in the things that interest you and keep yer eyes open... That is where you will meet the woman who will be there with similar interests after the the music dies (figuratively speaking, of course)...

Like I said earlier... Yer looking in the wrong places...

You follow ol' Bobert's advice herem youngin'... Ya' hear???

I'd say "good luck" but if ya' do what I say ain't no luck involved...

Bobert

Subject: RE: BS: Middle Age Dating
From: Rapparee
Date: 01 Jan 09 - 08:46 PM

Then go with your instincts -- God won't care, God has bigger things to worry about than what who does what to whom.

Subject: RE: BS: Middle Age Dating
From: Ebbie
Date: 01 Jan 09 - 08:55 PM

Beaubear, to coin a phrase, have I told you lately that I love you?

Subject: RE: BS: Middle Age Dating
From: kendall
Date: 01 Jan 09 - 09:03 PM

Getting near a "GOOD" woman is like petting a cat. You have to act like you don't want to.

Subject: RE: BS: Middle Age Dating
From: Richard Bridge
Date: 01 Jan 09 - 10:00 PM

Following your nose is entirely the wrong end of your body with which to be thinking about this. I'm afraid your head has been damaged by moralistic claptrap. Men form and maintain relationships largely through physical sex and don't let anyone preach the contrary.

That said, those who manage least to make a bird dog of themselves often succeed the most.

And anyway, what would you want a "GOOD" woman for?

Not that there may not be many others who would be better examples to you than I.

Subject: RE: BS: Middle Age Dating
From: GUEST,Bob Ryszkiewicz
Date: 01 Jan 09 - 10:18 PM

Hi Kids: When true Love finds you, it will be most likely when you least expect it. It's nature will be Spiritual, not physical. You will feel that when you are apart, something is missing.
It will come from something beyond human comprehension, and when it arrives, it will be impossible to turn away from it, for it is of God...
BR

Subject: RE: BS: Middle Age Dating
From: Dewey
Date: 01 Jan 09 - 10:35 PM

Thanks Bobert! wise advice!

My head still rules over my pants. Perhaps I shouldn't have been so honest here? (LOL)

I have other wise people tell me the same thing, "when it happens, it will happen. You cannot force it, just because you desire love. etc. etc."


I don't go to bars, so I know I won't pick up those kind of woman, ever.


Thanks, I'll be patient and keep looking.

Dewey

Subject: RE: BS: Middle Age Dating
From: Dewey
Date: 01 Jan 09 - 10:39 PM

Thanks Guest Bob. I have had spiritual experiences similar to those you speak of. I believe there are no accidents, and that God has a plan beyond the physical, and it includes the provision of one's mate, hopeful when the time is right.

Just pray the time is soon, before my life is over (LOL)

Subject: RE: BS: Middle Age Dating
From: EBarnacle
Date: 01 Jan 09 - 10:47 PM

The classic example is that the ideal woman is a lady in the living room and a whore in the bedroom. Although the woman who was seeking to hook up with you may have been jumping the gun a bit on where the relationship was, she was clearly trying to get you to extend yourself a bit.

My ex-wife met me several times before we got together for an extended period. Lady Hillary met me at the New York Boat Show, where I was working in the art gallery. She was attending the boat show and I was not particularly looking for anyone. We took our time on the relationship and it has endured for 6 years, now.

Don't be too judgemental about the morals of others. Try to accept them as they see each other. It will make everything a lot easier.

Subject: RE: BS: Middle Age Dating
From: Peter T.
Date: 02 Jan 09 - 08:14 AM

To repeat myself, this is not an electronic couch. To the outside observer, you have a lot of unresolved problems which are interfering with your way of operating in the world, let alone finding the right woman. I would respectfully suggest that you might consider going to a therapist or a counsellor instead of listening to this crowd (I include myself).

yours,

Peter T.

Subject: RE: BS: Middle Age Dating
From: Acorn4
Date: 02 Jan 09 - 10:08 AM

I've recently been struck by the number of friends of mine who've gone through divorces and separations in their fifties and sixties. Once, you thought you were pretty assured once the birds had flown the nest, but several of my friends have found themselves cast adrift at the time of life when it is not that easy to strike up a new relationship, just as it's not that easy to find new employment if you lose your job at that age.

Subject: RE: BS: Middle Age Dating
From: Charmion
Date: 02 Jan 09 - 11:01 AM

I often think it's a pity that people rush to try new-fangled methods -- such as on-line dating sites on the Internet -- when the old-fangled methods of meeting respectable people are far more reliable, not to speak of cheaper. By old-fangled, I mean methods such as talking to friendly-looking people at church, at your regular jam session, at the gym, at work, or any other place where you routinely meet the same people over and over again, and you can be reasonable sure you have a great deal in common with them, such as culture, profession, interests, age and education. The other great advantage of these venues is that you can be reasonably sure that the people you meet there are sober (well, perhaps not at a pub session) and acting as honestly as they ever do.

The thing is to find people in their own natural habitat, as it were, and engage them fair and square in honest activities over a protracted period. Then you can see them as they are, and they can see you as you are.

Unlike Internet dating, this method takes time, patience and sincerity. Also unlike Internet dating, it works -- as any happily remarried middle-aged or older individual will tell you. And you end up with a genuine circle of friends and friendly acquaintances, even if you don't find the love of your life.