Spats, Feuds, Old Scores & Itchy Wounds

Subject: Spats, Feuds, Old Scores & Itchy Wounds
From: Spleen Cringe
Date: 09 Jan 09 - 09:24 AM

I don't have any Spats, Feuds, Old Scores & Itchy Wounds at the moment. Many of y'all do, including a few people I'd gladly buy a pint for.

They do tend to derail a few threads... and the rest of us have to sit it out as various folks show each other their arses in public.

So I propose when anyone sees it happening, they should shout"Oi! Take it outside you bleedin' 'orrible lot!". This thread can count as outside. Please treat it badly.

Obviously, good natured banter, vociforous and passionate disputes about the meaning of F*lk and so on can stay where they belong.

Have fun with my new year's gift to the world (ok, I know it's Max's really, not mine...)

Subject: RE: Spats, Feuds, Old Scores & Itchy Wounds
From: Spleen Cringe
Date: 09 Jan 09 - 09:25 AM

Oops, sorry, forgot the BS prefix. Can anyone fix it, ploise?

Subject: RE: Spats, Feuds, Old Scores & Itchy Wounds
From: Sleepy Rosie
Date: 09 Jan 09 - 09:31 AM

Weren't you that total bastard that spilled my pint in a previous life?
Sir, I denounce you as a scalliwag and a rotter!

Subject: RE: Spats, Feuds, Old Scores & Itchy Wounds
From: Spleen Cringe
Date: 09 Jan 09 - 09:49 AM

I spat in that pint when you weren't looking...

You, madam, are a blackguard, a bounder and a heel.

I, however, remain a churl, a knave, a cur and a dastard.

I respectfully request you to put that in your pipe and smirk it.

Subject: RE: Spats, Feuds, Old Scores & Itchy Wounds
From: Mr Happy
Date: 09 Jan 09 - 10:01 AM

Hmmmmmmnnn, looks like the folkies're revoltig again!!

Subject: RE: Spats, Feuds, Old Scores & Itchy Wounds
From: Ruth Archer
Date: 09 Jan 09 - 10:11 AM

If I showed you my arse, Mr Cringe, I sincerely doubt you'd ever recover. Mine's a pint of Old Rosie, BTW.

I feel I have been a model of level-headedness and calm upstairs. :)

Subject: RE: Spats, Feuds, Old Scores & Itchy Wounds
From: Spleen Cringe
Date: 09 Jan 09 - 10:18 AM

As long as its only the head that remains level and not the aforementioned aftquarters.

I speak only of metaphorical arses, not the real ones. Perish the thought. Anyway, mine's a double, so as to speak.

I wonder if we should get Yoko Ono to do a Mudcat special...

Pint of Old Rosie coming up...

Subject: RE: Spats, Feuds, Old Scores & Itchy Wounds
From: Ruth Archer
Date: 09 Jan 09 - 10:24 AM

"mine's a double,"

You have two arses?!

Subject: RE: Spats, Feuds, Old Scores & Itchy Wounds
From: Bryn Pugh
Date: 09 Jan 09 - 10:26 AM

I'd far rather you sang me a song than showed me your arse.

(Thank you, Hubert - now put it away, please).

Subject: RE: Spats, Feuds, Old Scores & Itchy Wounds
From: Spleen Cringe
Date: 09 Jan 09 - 02:58 PM

You have two arses?

Nearly, but not quite. And only since Christmas.

Subject: RE: Spats, Feuds, Old Scores & Itchy Wounds
From: Sleepy Rosie
Date: 09 Jan 09 - 03:23 PM

Ooh, Santa was generous this year. Does that mean that you can leave one arse permenently stationed on the bog? Handy second arse for busy professionals.

Subject: RE: Spats, Feuds, Old Scores & Itchy Wounds
From: Phil Edwards
Date: 09 Jan 09 - 03:28 PM

I'd far rather you sang me a song than showed me your arse.

Have you heard Yoko Ono sing?

Subject: RE: Spats, Feuds, Old Scores & Itchy Wounds
From: Jack Blandiver
Date: 09 Jan 09 - 03:37 PM

Best of all has to be A Small Eternity With Yoko Ono, which features on Zappa's Playground Psychotics, a double CD set of live & field recordings documenting the misadventures of the Mothers circa Flo & Eddie.

And I still say Seeds of Love is about anal sex (though maybe not The Tears for Fears album) - it's down to Song of Solomon 5:4, one of the many references to buggery in the bible.

Arse. Feck. Girls.

Subject: RE: Spats, Feuds, Old Scores & Itchy Wounds
From: Rapparee
Date: 09 Jan 09 - 03:47 PM

I don't have any, sorry. I either run them through or ignore them.

Subject: RE: Spats, Feuds, Old Scores & Itchy Wounds
From: Azizi
Date: 09 Jan 09 - 04:50 PM

Rapaire, you don't have an ass?!!

To quote a recent Mudcat thread, Oh My God, That's Dreadful!!!.

But maybe you prefer mules.

I mean the animal...as a means of travel... Or maybe you prefer mule shoe.

Some people may have thought that I meant something else by my comments. But I don't have my mind in the gutter like they do.

My mind is never in the gutter. I'm as pure as the driven snow.

Subject: RE: Spats, Feuds, Old Scores & Itchy Wounds
From: VirginiaTam
Date: 09 Jan 09 - 05:30 PM

I say you all are the flatulent demons in the eighth ring of Hell who make trumpets of your asses.

Some arse conditions

Noassatall - flat ass disease. This condition suffered by the size zero silphs with matching IQ. Her diaper/nappie proportionate to what her daily regimen of laxatives produce.

And the hiphop trouser creeps who don't know the meaing of belt or braces. Can't be packing a gun. His pants would be around his ankles.

Bubblebuttitis - a desirable state for women see Icons of Englishness so sayeth Freddy Mercury, all hail the Queen.

The condition is not the same for males see Plumber's Crack or Buttock Cleavage

However, of all arse conditions Trumpet ass is the worst and everyone who posts to this thread is one.

Subject: RE: Spats, Feuds, Old Scores & Itchy Wounds
From: Lizzie Cornish 1
Date: 09 Jan 09 - 05:46 PM

Er...so following on from Tam, I image googled 'Strumpet Ass' and well...erm...

...got this sexy young lady

Subject: RE: Spats, Feuds, Old Scores & Itchy Wounds
From: Azizi
Date: 09 Jan 09 - 05:50 PM

There's a place in France,
Where the people wear no pants;
And the men wear glasses,
So they can see the ladies' asses.

(Sorry - just trying to be helpful!)

-snip-

from RE: Child's Game: Elastics

GUEST,meself - PM
Date: 26 May 07 - 06:24 PM

Subject: RE: Spats, Feuds, Old Scores & Itchy Wounds
From: Azizi
Date: 09 Jan 09 - 05:53 PM

Not that any of this talk about asses has anything what so every to do with Spats, Feuds, Old Scores & Itchy Wounds...

Though people could have old sores and itchy wounds or itchy sores and old wounds

on their backsides...

Subject: RE: Spats, Feuds, Old Scores & Itchy Wounds
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 09 Jan 09 - 05:57 PM

Azizi - thank you for that image, now I need some mental floss to remove it from my grey matter...

My ass is famous.. it had a thread all of its own once, but it got deleted because people were mean about it. My tits, on the other hand, have been much more kindly received and are world famous.

LTS

Subject: RE: Spats, Feuds, Old Scores & Itchy Wounds
From: Azizi
Date: 09 Jan 09 - 06:09 PM

Ah! My first typo of the year* "what so every to do with"...

*or at least the first one this year that I noticed.

LTS, that's not the only reason why folks like you. But I have to agree, your tits have made you world famous.

{I'm proud of myself that puritan as I am, I even typed the word "tits"-two times now!. It's interesting that I wasn't at all squeamish typing the word "ass"}.

And yes, I know. That doesn't have anything to do with what is supposed to be the topic of this thread.

But one thing this proves is that I don't mind me or anyone else going off-thread some of the time.

Subject: RE: Spats, Feuds, Old Scores & Itchy Wounds
From: Rapparee
Date: 09 Jan 09 - 06:12 PM

If you can't ignore them, a propane torch will cure them. You'll get third degree burns, and THAT they can cure.

Subject: RE: Spats, Feuds, Old Scores & Itchy Wounds
From: Lizzie Cornish 1
Date: 09 Jan 09 - 06:16 PM

Hang on a minute, you can't torch Liz's tits just because you can't ignore them, Rappy! That's taking things a little too far, methinks. You have to learn to look elsewhere.


Heck, don't you just love this asylum we're all in, it's just so much fun!

Subject: RE: Spats, Feuds, Old Scores & Itchy Wounds
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 09 Jan 09 - 06:25 PM

Sorry Lizzie, parallel universe there I think.

Subject: RE: Spats, Feuds, Old Scores & Itchy Wounds
From: Rapparee
Date: 09 Jan 09 - 06:42 PM

If she can ignore my buzzards, I can ignore her tits.

Subject: RE: Spats, Feuds, Old Scores & Itchy Wounds
From: Spleen Cringe
Date: 09 Jan 09 - 07:26 PM

Back to Ruth and Rosie, above...

Two arses? More than this, I'll say no more.

Out-gross that!

PS congratulations in order to Azizi who has been uncharacteristically potty-mouthed on this thread. Go Azizi! Go Azizi!

Subject: RE: Spats, Feuds, Old Scores & Itchy Wounds
From: Azizi
Date: 09 Jan 09 - 07:37 PM

Thanks, Spleen Cringe.

I'm tryin to start the new year off right.

LOL!

Subject: RE: Spats, Feuds, Old Scores & Itchy Wounds
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 09 Jan 09 - 07:38 PM

Yas! Azizi is becoming less constrained! Fuckin' A*!


*("Fuckin' A" = American street slang for "All Right!"   Just wanted to clarify that in case some asshole/arsehole might think it's an insult and try to start some shit/shite.)

Subject: RE: Spats, Feuds, Old Scores & Itchy Wounds
From: Little Hawk
Date: 09 Jan 09 - 08:13 PM

No one here understands the true meaning of "folk music" except me. No one! It's pitiable, but it's true.

I would explain what folk music really is to all you poor ignoramuses, but I know that you would never understand the explanation anyway, so what would be the use? It would be like trying to teach a walrus to dance! Futile.

I'll just have to learn to live on in my splendid isolation, comforted by the knowledge that I, and only I, hold in my unique understanding the entire legacy of "folk music", and that it will probably die with me.

There's something so poignant about that, that it puts a tear in my eye....

"Ohhhhhh, it's lonely at the top!!!"   (grin)

Subject: RE: Spats, Feuds, Old Scores & Itchy Wounds
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 09 Jan 09 - 08:21 PM

The above was obviously spoken by a man who has never even tried to teach a walrus to dance, much less succeeded.

Subject: RE: Spats, Feuds, Old Scores & Itchy Wounds
From: GUEST,lox
Date: 09 Jan 09 - 08:28 PM

Azizi,

I'm really disappointed in you.

*Sigh*

A typo already?

Damn!

Subject: RE: Spats, Feuds, Old Scores & Itchy Wounds
From: Rapparee
Date: 09 Jan 09 - 10:48 PM

There will be no cursing in this house, goddammit!
               --My brother as Willy Lohman in Death of a Salesman

Subject: RE: Spats, Feuds, Old Scores & Itchy Wounds
From: Azizi
Date: 10 Jan 09 - 01:21 AM

Bee-dubya-ell, I've got some Ivory soap for you. Or some Dove if you prefer. You know why.

**

Lox,

All those who have never made a typo, cast the first stone.

Subject: RE: Spats, Feuds, Old Scores & Itchy Wounds
From: Azizi
Date: 10 Jan 09 - 01:32 AM

And since this is a thread about "Spats, Feuds, Old Scores & Itchy Wounds", Little Hawk, let me say to you that there ougta be some way that newbies are hipped to the fact that your character Shane is a figment of your imagination.

I remember not long ago when I was a newbie that I made a fool out of myself 'cause I chided people for kidding about the "fact" that Shane was back in jail. I wondered to myself, what kinda people are Mudcatters to make fun of poor ole Shane.

Now I know.

Subject: RE: Spats, Feuds, Old Scores & Itchy Wounds
From: Little Hawk
Date: 10 Jan 09 - 02:02 AM

Yes, that is a problem for newbies. Perhaps there should be something in the FAQ about it?

Subject: RE: Spats, Feuds, Old Scores & Itchy Wounds
From: Spleen Cringe
Date: 10 Jan 09 - 03:45 AM

Sorry to get back to the two arses sub-theme, but Virginia Tam's bum trumpet makes me wonder about warming up an arse-brass version of "Duelling Banjos" for the next singaround...

Subject: RE: Spats, Feuds, Old Scores & Itchy Wounds
From: Azizi
Date: 10 Jan 09 - 04:02 AM

Sigh.

Hey, Little Hawk-this comment is for you.

I just had a dream about being lost in a maze. I woke up and came to Mudcat to have my equilibrium restored, only to find out that my attempts at wit bombed, and pnly to see your mention of Mudcat's tortuous FAQ.

Two sighs. Maybe in my next life I'll not only be less restrained but I'll also be wittier.

But as for now, I'm going back to bed.

Subject: RE: Spats, Feuds, Old Scores & Itchy Wounds
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 10 Jan 09 - 05:46 AM

LH - I may not have a college degree or more than 3 'O'levels but I do know that "poor ignoramuses," should be 'poor ignorami'...

:P

LTS

Subject: RE: Spats, Feuds, Old Scores & Itchy Wounds
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 10 Jan 09 - 06:00 AM

What amuses me is that the RULE is that more than one 'US' becomes 'I'.... so when I say 'I' am going to the Folk Club... it could mean a crowd of 'US'???????

Subject: RE: Spats, Feuds, Old Scores & Itchy Wounds
From: The Borchester Echo
Date: 10 Jan 09 - 06:05 AM

ignorami?

No, not really. Ignoramus is not a Latin substantive but a 1st person plural conjugation = we do not know.
I prefer "if you don't know, bloody well find out" (to paraphrase Dave Hunt), not feign some kind of virtue in ignorance.

Subject: RE: Spats, Feuds, Old Scores & Itchy Wounds
From: Sleepy Rosie
Date: 10 Jan 09 - 06:09 AM

I know that if you recieve salt-water via enema, it can save your life. Especially if you happen to be dying of thirst while floating adrift in the middle of the ocean on a life raft. I wonder what a few pints of Old Rosie (that stuff's as strong as White-Insanity Rot) via bottom-brass trumpet would be like. Would it stop me puking? I don't know why I'm thinking this... Possibly because I puke anytime I ingest scrumpy.

Azizi, if you mistake bullshit such as *this*, for attempts at wit. You will of course be sorely dissapointed at your own efforts, and eternally doomed to dismal failure.

All I can suggest to help you on your own mission to unlace your constraints is to not bother reading this utterly pointless post, and watch this instead: instructions on Learning to Swear

Subject: RE: Spats, Feuds, Old Scores & Itchy Wounds
From: Azizi
Date: 10 Jan 09 - 07:54 AM

Sorry, that clip is further proof that one person's "Witty" or "funny" is another person's "blah" or "say what?".

Here's a video that I think is kinda funny-McCain Girls - "It's Raining McCain"

Subject: RE: Spats, Feuds, Old Scores & Itchy Wounds
From: The Borchester Echo
Date: 10 Jan 09 - 08:02 AM

Is talking in Scouse swearing? It's so hard to tell.
That's why Red Dwarf is so funny.
But not as funny as Blackadder.
Especially when he does "irony" and so few here get it . . .

Subject: RE: Spats, Feuds, Old Scores & Itchy Wounds
From: Azizi
Date: 10 Jan 09 - 08:30 AM

Here's a clip that I consider witty but definitely not ha ha funny. I'd file it under the category of "sad but true".

Hollywood Shuffle-"Black Acting School"

Btw, this clip contains some profanity. But I think that's besides the point.

Subject: RE: Spats, Feuds, Old Scores & Itchy Wounds
From: VirginiaTam
Date: 10 Jan 09 - 09:18 AM

the McCain girls video started big "discussion" between me and partner. I think they are taking the piss. He thinks they are really supporting McCain.

I like Red Dwarf OK... Black Adder is pure brilliance. Just got better with each subsequent series. Did anyone see the recent making of Black Adder on BBC somethingorother, which aired recently?

Oh I guess I should bring the tone back down to gutter level and say something about ass.

Hugh Laurie's got a cute ass, shame his face looks like he shaves with a chain saw.

Stephen Fry far more than makes up for buttock cleavage with his celestial wit. Azizi if you want lessons read everything you can by Stephen Fry.. He is the Paut fo the Gods.

Rowan Atkinson and Tony Robinson not even worth a mention as they are both sell outs. Mr. Bean, Mr. Holy Shit himself (what would you call a little turd in brown suit that fall from heaven to the tune of angelic choir and proceeds to evidence what is worst and best in mankind) started out well but lapsed. And Time Team was good until they turned it into a timed team. TR so annoying I just want to give him a smack.

Anyway.... shit fire and save matches as my dear old mamma says. Another use for bum trumpet - flame throwing on a most humorous scale.

Subject: RE: Spats, Feuds, Old Scores & Itchy Wounds
From: GUEST,hg
Date: 10 Jan 09 - 09:35 AM

I'm still honked and hinky about everyone who gave me a hard time about women's hearme. and guess who started it?

Subject: RE: Spats, Feuds, Old Scores & Itchy Wounds
From: Spleen Cringe
Date: 10 Jan 09 - 10:04 AM

ignorami?

Ornamental paper folding for the terminally stupid?

Subject: RE: Spats, Feuds, Old Scores & Itchy Wounds
From: TheSnail
Date: 10 Jan 09 - 11:09 AM

One arse? Two arses? Why not split the difference?

Subject: RE: Spats, Feuds, Old Scores & Itchy Wounds
From: Will Fly
Date: 10 Jan 09 - 11:18 AM

Three... mmm... looks scrummy to me.

Subject: RE: Spats, Feuds, Old Scores & Itchy Wounds
From: VirginiaTam
Date: 10 Jan 09 - 11:28 AM

shudder

Subject: RE: Spats, Feuds, Old Scores & Itchy Wounds
From: Ebbie
Date: 10 Jan 09 - 11:31 AM

"Little Hawk, let me say to you that there ougta be some way that newbies are hipped to the fact that your character Shane is a figment of your imagination." Azizi

I did the same thing back in my day, Azizi. Being the literal, trusting sort, I thought that most of the Mudcatters were far too dismissive of poor, albeit irritating, Shane.

Said so. Little Hawk set me straight. Humph.

Did the same thing about two men who continually took pot shots at each other and on occasion got downright vicious, even though it was clear that they shared many of the same values.

Said so, suggesting that they go to PMs and hash it out, or something to that effect.

They set me straight. They are brothers.    Humph.

Subject: RE: Spats, Feuds, Old Scores & Itchy Wounds
From: Little Hawk
Date: 10 Jan 09 - 01:12 PM

Heh! (snort!) I still get a chuckle, thinking about that, Ebbie...

There was a guy here for years called Flattop. We continually took shots at each other on this forum, but we were just having fun. In reality, we were good friends here in 3-D life in the town of Orillia. Flattop moved down East somewhere (Nova Scotia?) and I haven't heard from him in quite some time now.

Subject: RE: Spats, Feuds, Old Scores & Itchy Wounds
From: Azizi
Date: 10 Jan 09 - 01:17 PM

Ebbie, there's a song in your post.

But if I said that there's a whole lot of humphin goin on, people might really think my mind is in the gutter.

But that's not true. Actually, my mind is in the bed.

Subject: RE: Spats, Feuds, Old Scores & Itchy Wounds
From: TheSnail
Date: 10 Jan 09 - 01:22 PM

Will Fly

Three... mmm... looks scrummy to me.

Well, I reckon 3 buttocks = 1.5 arses.

Whatever, I can't help wondering what she looks like from the front.

Subject: RE: Spats, Feuds, Old Scores & Itchy Wounds
From: Lox
Date: 10 Jan 09 - 01:31 PM

So when exactly is Azizi going to be unlacing her constraints?

Will it be posted on youtube?

I think we should be told!!

Subject: RE: Spats, Feuds, Old Scores & Itchy Wounds
From: Azizi
Date: 10 Jan 09 - 01:55 PM

So when exactly is Azizi going to be unlacing her constraints?
-Lox

"I'll never tell".

But though you won't see it, you'll know it after it happens.

Subject: RE: Spats, Feuds, Old Scores & Itchy Wounds
From: Ebbie
Date: 10 Jan 09 - 04:45 PM

Ebbie, there's a song in your post."

Would that be a bedpost?

Subject: RE: Spats, Feuds, Old Scores & Itchy Wounds
From: Azizi
Date: 10 Jan 09 - 05:20 PM

What's going on? Is everybody busy or are folks asleep at the switch?

I sure didn't plan to be the butt of so many jokes on this thread. But sometimes things happen whether we want them to or not.
And if it made some people smile, well then it's all good.

Now it's somebody else's turn.

Who will it be?

Subject: RE: Spats, Feuds, Old Scores & Itchy Wounds
From: Ebbie
Date: 10 Jan 09 - 05:42 PM

As you can tell, we're fond of your butt, Azizi. :)

Subject: RE: Spats, Feuds, Old Scores & Itchy Wounds
From: Azizi
Date: 10 Jan 09 - 06:06 PM

Well, thank you.

I could think of other things to say but they could lead "back" to me being the butt of jokes again so mums the word.

Enjoy yourselves! And don't take any wooden nickels.

Subject: RE: Spats, Feuds, Old Scores & Itchy Wounds
From: Art Thieme
Date: 10 Jan 09 - 08:59 PM

Well, when it comes to old scores, I ran into a couple of those ladies just last month!

Now that I'm older, seeing them made me think of that great couplet from a song Ewan MacColl used to sing called "Blow Away The Morning Dew."

We have a flower in me garden,
We call it Marigold
If ya do not when you may,
Ye shall not when ye would!

As a matter of fact, I did get something from one of those ladies that caused me to have an itchy wound -- now that you mention it!!

Ah, nostalgia!!!!!
Art Thieme