BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: GUEST,DaveA
Date: 02 May 11 - 07:00 PM

A guy rings his doctor and says:
"I think my wife's dead"
The doctor replies:
"Why do you think that"
He answered:
"There's no change in the sex but the laundry is piling up"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 02 May 11 - 08:49 AM

"The Late Osama"

After dying a grisly death in a fire fight, Osama
made his way to the pearly gates. There, he was
greeted by George Washington. "How dare you
attack the nation I helped conceive!" yelled
Washington, slapping Osama in the face.

Patrick Henry came up from behind, "You wanted
to end the American's liberty, so they gave you
death!" Henry punched Osama in the nose.

James Madison came next and said, "This is why I
allowed the government to provide for the common
defense!" He took a sledge hammer and whacked
Osama's knees.

Osama was subject to similar beatings from John
Randolph, James Monroe and 67 other people who
had the same love for liberty and America. As he
writhed on the ground, Thomas Jefferson hurled him
back toward the gate where he was to be judged.

As Osama awaited his journey to his final very hot
destination, he screamed, "This is not what I was
promised!"

An angel replied, "I told you there would be 72
Virginians waiting for you. What did you think
I said?"


-----


"American Holiday"

Osama bin Laden, not feeling well and concerned
about his mortality, goes to consult a psychic about
the date of his death. Closing her eyes and silently
reaching into the realm of the future, she finds the
answer.

"You will die on an American holiday."

"Which one?" Osama bin Laden asks nervously.

"It doesn't matter," replied the psychic. "Whenever
you die, it will be an American holiday!"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 30 Apr 11 - 12:45 PM

Thick in Germans means what it is: not stupid, but in the sense of fat. But as stupid it also makes sense.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Mrrzy
Date: 28 Apr 11 - 01:14 PM

Thick, for you Americans, means stupid.

I really laughed at the Thai joke!

An old man and an old lady are getting ready for bed one night when all of a sudden the woman bursts out of the bathroom, flings open her robe and yells "Super Pussy!" The old man says "I'll have the soup."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 28 Apr 11 - 12:02 PM

The German Territorial Defense decides to call up some animals who should be fit for reconnaisance purposes. So the hare, the fox and the bear get their letters to report for their medical examination.
But since they do not want to join the army, they are guessing how to avoid it.
Says the fox to the hare: "Let's cut off your long ears. No ears, not a hare, no service." So they do, and the hare comes back and says: "Unfit - No ears, not a hare, no service."
Now it's the turn of the fox. Says the hare to the fox: "Well, let's cut off your tail. No tail, not a fox, no service." So they do, and the fox comes back: "Unfit - No tail, not a fox, no service."
But what to do with the bear? The others say: "Let's break out your teeth. No teeth, not a bear, no service." The bear comes back and mumbles: "Unfit for military service - too thick."

Had to tell any joke, not letting stand the contribution before on this ominous date.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 20 Apr 11 - 05:15 PM

At Last! A PC Ethnic Joke!

(As it's not politically correct to direct a joke at any particular ethnic minority, let's try this one:)

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a southerner [but certainly not a redneck!], a New Englander, and a Californian), an Argentinian, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, an Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uraguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, a Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahamanian, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Kyrgyzstani, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Taiwanese, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 47-53 Africans walk into a fine restaurant.



"I'm sorry," said the snooty maître d', "but you can't come in here without a Thai."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 18 Apr 11 - 09:02 AM

Your Parrot, He is Dead!

At dawn the telephone rings, "Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead."

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International Competition?"

"Si, Senor, that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"

"From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod."

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse. "

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."

"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"

"Yes, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"

"Yes, Senor Rod."

"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Senor Rod."   

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"

"Your wife's, Senor Rod". She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Ping G15 204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft."

SILENCE........... LONG SILENCE.........VERY LONG SILENCE.

"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 14 Apr 11 - 11:56 AM

Texting Shorthand for Older Folks

We've all seen the texting shortcuts used by kids -- LOL (Laughing Out Loud), CUL8R (See You Later), etc. It's time older folks got in on the action -- yet our daily concerns are different from youngsters'.

ATD - At The Doctor's

BFF - Best Friend Fell

BTW - Bring The Wheelchair

BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth

FWIW - Forgot Where I Was

GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low

GHA - Got Heartburn Again

IMHO - Is My Hearing Aid On?

LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out

OMMR - On My Massage Recliner

OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas

ROFLACGU - Rolling On Floor Laughing And Can't Get Up

and...

TTYL - Talk To You Louder

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: GUEST,999
Date: 14 Apr 11 - 11:06 AM

Rec'd from a friend in my e-mail today.


HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANY MORE .

George Phillips, an elderly man, from Walled Lake, Michigan, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"

He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.

Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available"

George said, "Okay."

He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed.. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both, the dogs are eating them right now." and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: GUEST,Jim Dixon, at the U of St Thomas library
Date: 13 Apr 11 - 07:17 PM

"Memory pills" is, of course, a reference to this joke. But I wouldn't expect you to remember that.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 13 Apr 11 - 04:19 PM

Jim Dixon:

It's such a GOOD joke, it deserves to be repeated!

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 12 Apr 11 - 06:22 PM

Uncle DaveO: You been skipping those memory pills again?

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 12 Apr 11 - 05:29 PM

Shown below is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman.

The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.

_________________________________

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.

By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed
to honor it.

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.

I noticed that, whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is a CRIMINAL OFFENSE under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete.

I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation(income, debts, assets and liabilities)must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.

I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have
modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my
account balance on your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further.

When you call me, press buttons as follows:

IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR(*)BUTTON FOR ENGLISH

#1. To make an appointment to see me.

#2. To query a missing payment.

#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required.

Password will be communicated to you at a later date, addressed to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.

#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.

#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.

The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my
automated answering service.

#10. This is a second reminder to press * for English.

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music
will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?

Your Humble Client

And remember: Don't make Old People mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 12 Apr 11 - 05:11 PM

Clever Lawyer?

In a court room in rural Oklahoma where a person is on trial for murder, there is strong evidence indicating guilt; however, there is no corpse, which would really seal his fate.

In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client is guilty and that it looks like he'll probably be convicted, resorts to a clever trick.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the shyster says as he looks at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom, proving my client's innocence!" He turns and looks toward the courtroom door. The jury, somewhat stunned, follow his eyes and look too. A minute passes, but nothing happens.

Finally the lawyer says: "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury, still looking suspicious, retires to deliberate.

But only a few minutes later, the jury returns and the foreman utters their verdict: Guilty!

"But how?" inquires the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."

"Yes, we looked," admitted the foreman. "But we noticed your client didn't."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: GUEST,pete from seven stars link
Date: 12 Apr 11 - 02:12 PM

a man writes to the inland revenue explaining that he cannot sleep because of a guilty conscience,regarding unpaid tax.

"i am enclosing £400 in respect of tax due..
..if i still can,t sleep i,ll send the rest!".

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 12 Apr 11 - 12:55 PM

An 86-year-old Lady's Letter to Bank

Shown below is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year
old woman.

The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the
New York Times.

_________________________________

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.

By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed
to honor it.

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity,
and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.

I noticed that, whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and
letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood
person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer
be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is a CRIMINAL OFFENSE under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete.

I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much
about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be
countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her
financial situation(income, debts, assets and liabilities)must be
accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.

I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have
modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my
account balance on your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further.

When you call me, press buttons as follows:

IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR(*)BUTTON FOR ENGLISH

#1. To make an appointment to see me.

#2. To query a missing payment.

#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required.

Password will be communicated to you at a later date, addressed to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.

#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.

#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.

The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my
automated answering service.

#10. This is a second reminder to press * for English.

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music
will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?

Your Humble Client

And remember: Don't make Old People mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: GUEST,pete from seven stars link
Date: 09 Apr 11 - 06:41 PM

another good one uncle,and jogged my memory.

the bus fare rises at age 11.
11 yr old johnny boards a bus with mum,who has instructed him to say he is 10.
the driver says"how old are you ,sonny?"
johnny duly replies"10"
"oh"says the driver"when will you be 11"
johnny replies "oh,about the time i leave this bus".

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 09 Apr 11 - 04:29 PM

Fried Chicken

Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else in the class laughed.

My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.

I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.

I told her, "Colonel Sanders."

The principal is making me write this, even though he laughed again.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: GUEST,999 Rec;d via e-mail from a friend
Date: 08 Apr 11 - 02:45 AM

Surgery, Five surgeons are talking.

#1 The first, an Ontario surgeon, says: " I like to see accountants on my
operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is
numbered. "

#2 The second, a Quebec surgeon, responds: " Yeah, but you should try
electricians. Everything inside of them is colour coded. "

#3 The third, a B.C. surgeon, says: " No, I really think librarians are the
best, everything inside of them is in alphabetical order. "

#4 The fourth, an Alberta surgeon, chimes in: " You know, I like
construction workers.... those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over. "

#5 But, the fifth, a Newfoundland surgeon, shut them all up when he observed: " You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, -- and the head and the ass are interchangeable. "

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 07 Apr 11 - 05:46 PM

Pro Bassist Available

This is an actual ad from Craigslist Denver. Is it a serious ad? That I don't know: you be the judge! But if you're looking for a bassist, you might want to interview them before hiring.

PRO Bassist Available

Date: 2011-03-23, 9:48AM MDT

Bass available for PAYING GIGS ONLY. I play G, C, D. If your songs are not in G, please transpose them into G. If your song has an Em or Bm or anything off-the-wall, I will probably sit out that chord. Or I could learn those notes for $30 each.

If you want me to do fancy stuff like go back and forth between G and D while you hold a G chord, forget it becaue I'm a "pocket" player. Minimum $100 per gig within a 5 mile radius of zip code 80016. $5/mile travel charge for other areas of town.

Please make sure your gigs are on an RTD route or you can pick me up at my place. Must be home by 11 PM due to previous legal hassles. No gigs within 500 yards of schools, parks or playgrounds.

    * Location: 80016
    * it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 2281702818

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Justa Picker
Date: 07 Apr 11 - 04:52 PM

The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?" Ole demanded.

"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any."

The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear."

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies.

"Blessed Virgin
Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?"

She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me."

Patrick reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. "Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where ta friggin hell are yer drawers?"

She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any."

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love 'o
decency, here's a comb......Tidy yerself up a bit."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: GUEST,pete from seven stars link
Date: 07 Apr 11 - 02:27 PM

i found it quite amusing uncle dave;just a little off the truth to be so.
reminds me of the shopper who accidentaly left his groceries at a modern art exhibition.
when he came back for it next day,it had won first prize!

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Donuel
Date: 07 Apr 11 - 10:53 AM

These tales of woe are very funny but there seems to be more woe than tail.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 07 Apr 11 - 10:47 AM

Back Yard Anthropology

A classic from my files, dated 1994. It was long ago debunked, but knowing how some people think, it sure could have been true....

Paleoanthropology Division
Smithsonian Institute
207 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20078

Dear Sir:

Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled "211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid skull."

We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents "conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago." Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be the "Malibu Barbie." It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loath to contradict your findings. However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to its modern origin:

    * The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilized bone.

    * The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-hominids.

    * The dentition pattern evident on the "skull" is more consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the "ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams" you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time. This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, let us say that:
          o The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on.
          o Clams don't have teeth.

It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation, and partly due to carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results. Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation's Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name "Australopithecus spiff-arino." Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might be Latin.

However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your back yard. We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the "trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix" that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus Rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.

Yours in Science,

Harvey Rowe
Curator, Antiquities

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: GUEST,pete from seven stars link
Date: 06 Apr 11 - 05:34 PM

a teacher asserted that it is impossible for a whale to swallow a person and that person survive, so jonah is just a story.

little girl says"when i get to heaven i will ask jonah"

teacher replied sarcastically"what if he went to hell?"

little girl"then you can ask him!".

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Dharmabum
Date: 01 Apr 11 - 06:36 PM

Confused
I became confused when I heard the word "Service" used with these agencies:

Internal Revenue 'Service'
U.S. Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
Cable TV 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
State, City, County & Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'

This is not what I thought 'Service' meant.

But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'Service' a few cows.
BAM!!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us.

Now you are as enlightened as I am.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 01 Apr 11 - 10:51 AM

"Aren't those bells beautiful?"

"Eh?"

"I said, aren't those bells beautiful?"

"Eh?"

"I said, aren't those bells BEAUTIFUL?"

"You'll 'ave to speak up, young man. Can't hear you for they danged bells!"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 01 Apr 11 - 09:49 AM

"No Seats on the Bus"

An old man gets on a crowded bus and no
one gives him a seat. As the bus shakes and
rattles, the old man's cane slips on the floor
and he falls.

As the old man gets up and composes himself,
a young kid, sitting nearby, turns to him and
says, "You know, if you put a little rubber thingy
on the end of your stick, it won't slip."

The old geezer man snaps back, "Well, if your
daddy did the same thing seven years ago, I'd
have a seat on this here bus."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Pseudolus
Date: 30 Mar 11 - 02:39 PM

new letter for the day:
Dear Scissors,
I feel your pain.....no one wants to run with me either.
Sincerely, Sarah Palin

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Mrrzy
Date: 29 Mar 11 - 07:43 PM

Overheard in a West Virginia convenience store:

You better listen to me, boy. I may be your brother but I'm still your father!

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Pseudolus
Date: 29 Mar 11 - 03:13 PM

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder: The DNA all matches & There are no dental records...

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 28 Mar 11 - 05:55 PM

Why I Am Now Divorced

Last week was my birthday, and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast, hoping my husband would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, he barely said good morning, let alone 'Happy Birthday.'

I thought...'Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids...they will remember.'

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my handsome Boss, Rick, said, 'Good morning, lady! and by the way Happy Birthday!' It felt a little better, that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock, when Rick knocked on my door and said, 'You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me?' I said, 'Thanks, Rick, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!'

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. He chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each, and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Rick said, 'You know, it's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?'

I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?' He said, 'Let's drop by my place; it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at his house, Rick turned to me and said, 'If you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.' 'Okay,' I nervously replied.

He went into the bedroom, and after a couple of minutes he came out, carrying a huge birthday cake...

Followed by my husband, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday.'

And I just sat there....


On the couch....


Naked.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Joe_F
Date: 26 Mar 11 - 06:04 PM

A respectably lady saw a little boy sitting on a curb, smoking a cigarette and taking swigs out of a bottle of whiskey. "Young man," she said, "Why aren't you in school?" to which he shot back "Hell, lady, I'm only four."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 26 Mar 11 - 04:46 PM

"Refrigerator Problems"

When the icemaker in our new refrigerator broke,
my husband dropped by the store to arrange for
repairs. Because the sun was bright, my husband's
eyes hadn't adjusted to the dim light inside in time
to see a woman sitting on the floor examining
carpet samples.

He stepped on her leg and she screamed, causing
him to jump into a display of fireplace tools that
went crashing in every direction.

Unnerved, my husband stumbled over to the service
desk, and as he went to rest his hands on the counter,
he flipped over a bowl full of little mints, scattering
them everywhere.

After taking a deep breath to calm himself, he
announced to the wide-eyed woman working there,
"My refrigerator doesn't work."

"I don't doubt it," she replied.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 25 Mar 11 - 01:41 PM

"The Long Hack Veil"

Jennifer visited a psychic of some local repute.

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball,
the mystic delivered grave news:

"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt:
Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will
die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman's lined
face, then at the single flickering candle, then down
at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose
herself.

She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's
gaze, steadied her voice, and asked:

"Will I be acquitted?"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: HuwG
Date: 24 Mar 11 - 05:21 PM

I once knew someone who was addicted to brake fluid.

He said he could stop any time.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 24 Mar 11 - 12:10 PM

A Woman's Poem
       Unknown

He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake,
He said my biscuits were too hard
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and
smacked him one
...
Like his mother used to do.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Mrrzy
Date: 24 Mar 11 - 09:49 AM

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said, "Stop! Don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!" He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, are you religious or atheist?" He said, "Religious." I said, "Me too! Are your Christian or Buddhist?" He said, "Christian." I said, "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?" He said, "Protestant." I said, Me too! Are your Episcopalian or Baptist? He said, "Baptist!" I said, "Wow! Me too! Are your Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord? He said, Baptist Church of God!" I said, "Me too! Are your Original Baptist Church of God or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God!" I said, "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Donuel
Date: 23 Mar 11 - 11:18 PM

SUNSCREEN

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Joe_F
Date: 23 Mar 11 - 06:31 PM

Cf.:
"What do you want this detergent for?"
"To wash my budgerigar."
"That won't do it any good."
*
"How is the budgerigar?"
"Dead."
"What did I tell you?"
"It wasn't the detergent that did it. It was the wringer."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 23 Mar 11 - 12:51 PM

"What A Duckhead!"

A man took his old duck to the Doctor, concerned
because the duck wouldn't eat.

The Doctor explained to the man that as ducks age
their upper bills grow down over their lower bills and
make it difficult for the animal to pick up its food.

"What you need to do is gently file the upper bill down
even with the lower bill. But you must be extra careful
because the duck's nostrils are located in the upper
bill and if you file down too far, when the duck takes
a drink of water, it'll drown."

The man went about his business, and about a week
later the Doctor ran into his patient.

"Well, how is that duck of yours?" the Doctor inquired.

"He's dead." declared the heartbroken man.

"I told you not to file his upper bill down too far! He
took a drink of water and drowned, didn't he?" insisted
the Doctor.

"No," lamented the man. "I think he was dead before
I took him out of the vise."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: HuwG
Date: 21 Mar 11 - 06:39 AM

Uncle_Dave_O, I did once hear a tale of someone who asked a music shop to put aside a copy of "Could I but express in music". The shop reported it wasn't available. They had transcribed the title as "Kodály buttocks-pressing music".

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: DrugCrazed
Date: 20 Mar 11 - 03:17 PM

Rambling: Jewellery for Sheep

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: GUEST,Alan Whittle
Date: 20 Mar 11 - 03:03 PM

Just recd. by e-mail - English folk will know most of them


Duz tha speak Yorkshire

A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.

Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."

Vet: "Is it a tom?"

Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us."
.....................................................................................

A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.

Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"

Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"

Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bugger!"

.................................................................................................
A Yorkshireman's wife dies and the widower decides that her headstone should have the words "She were thine" engraved on it.
He calls the stone mason, who assures him that the headstone will be ready a few days after the funeral.
True to his word the stone mason calls the widower to say that the headstone is ready and would he like to come and have a look.

When the widower gets there he takes one look at the stone to see that it's been engraved "She were thin".

He explodes: "'ells bells man, you've left the blood y "e" out, you've left the blood y "e" out!"

The stone mason apologises profusely and assures the poor widower that it will be rectified the following morning.

Next day comes and the widower returns to the stone mason: "There you go sir, I've put the "e" on the stone for you".

The widower looks at the stone and then reads out aloud:

"E, she were thin".

..................................................................................

Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"

Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------
Police have just released details of a new drug craze that is being carried out in Yorkshire nightclubs.
Apparently,Yorkshire club goers have started injecting Ectasy just above their front teeth.
Police say the dangerous practice is called "e by gum"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: GUEST,DonMeixner
Date: 20 Mar 11 - 01:36 PM

Did you hear the news about the corduroy pillow cases?

They're making headlines.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Joe_F
Date: 19 Mar 11 - 11:13 PM

Sergeant in the sick bay is lying on his belly, uncovered. Nurse comes by. "Why sergeant, what on earth are you doing like that?" "The orderly is taking my temperature." "With a daffodil?"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 19 Mar 11 - 04:29 PM

"Music Business"

The generation gap proved glaringly obvious
at the mail-order music company where my
wife works as a customer service representative.

Some college students, who were working part-
time inputting customer information, wrote the
following notes regarding some golden oldies:
"Customer is looking for two song titles: 'Shovel
Off Two Buffaloes' and 'Honey, Suck a Rose.'"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: GUEST,pete from seven stars link
Date: 18 Mar 11 - 03:17 PM

man took his wife to doctor
"doc,l,m worried about my wife-she wanders round talking to herself"
doctor"yes,that is worrying"
"thats not all"the husband says"she thinks i,m listening to her!".

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 17 Mar 11 - 03:24 PM

....."What would you be if you were not Scot?"

The Scotchman said: "Why, an Englishman, of
course!".....


Well, that's a joke, for a start !



DC

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: breezy
Date: 17 Mar 11 - 10:25 AM

Dhekelia

Dominican rep

Dominica

Djibouti