BS: Sexual gaffes

Subject: BS: Sexual gaffs
From: Donuel
Date: 16 Jan 11 - 04:51 PM

Entertaining as they may be, sexual gaffs are not the topic at most mixed (M&F) get togethers.

Whether they are regretful or monumental, over time they are probably some of the funniest moments in our life. If sex is strictly serious business then this is not the thread for you.




I had a girlfriend who was very imaginative and cherished surprises when it came to love making. Nothing really strange but sometimes it was baby powder, or oil or saran wrap or locations. It was all a lot of fun, except for the times she would play Barry Manilow all night long. She was particularly beautiful and among people of a certain age they would remark on how much she looked like Grace Kelly.

One day however she made a dramatic entrance. The kind in which she envisioned a rapturous enticement that would sweep her off her feet.
The moment I beheld the specatcle of the hot pink skimpy nighty with the black feathers surrounding the cut out area of the nipples and the same with the bottoms, I cried out in hysterical laughter because all my mind was seeing was a giant owl sauntering out of the bath room.

oops.

Subject: RE: BS: Sexual gaffs
From: Bill D
Date: 16 Jan 11 - 04:55 PM

gaffes. *grin*

Subject: RE: BS: Sexual gaffs
From: Donuel
Date: 16 Jan 11 - 05:10 PM

I bet the most uniform gaffe is not doing it, leading to insecurity, hurt feelings or anger. Hell have no fury...

If there is ever a time that it is important to get a person's name right...

Subject: RE: BS: Sexual gaffs
From: frogprince
Date: 16 Jan 11 - 05:40 PM

Two things you should never do in bed: point and laugh. : }

Subject: RE: BS: Sexual gaffs
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 16 Jan 11 - 05:44 PM

The moment I beheld the specatcle of the hot pink skimpy nighty with the black feathers surrounding the cut out area of the nipples and the same with the bottoms, I cried out in hysterical laughter...

I assure you that I would quickly have got over it.

Subject: RE: BS: Sexual gaffs
From: Richard Bridge
Date: 16 Jan 11 - 06:02 PM

I thought a gaff was something for landing fish

Subject: RE: BS: Sexual gaffs
From: Dave MacKenzie
Date: 16 Jan 11 - 06:04 PM

"What's that smells like fish, pretty mama?"

Blind Boy Fuller.

Subject: RE: BS: Sexual gaffs
From: Richard Bridge
Date: 16 Jan 11 - 06:13 PM

TMI?

Subject: RE: BS: Sexual gaffs
From: frogprince
Date: 16 Jan 11 - 06:27 PM

It can actually take just a small slip in aim to lower the points you score very drastically.

Subject: RE: BS: Sexual gaffs
From: olddude
Date: 16 Jan 11 - 06:51 PM

I thought you meant sex with a giraffe

Subject: RE: BS: Sexual gaffs
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 16 Jan 11 - 06:59 PM

That would be a tall order.

Subject: RE: BS: Sexual gaffs
From: Ed T
Date: 16 Jan 11 - 07:37 PM

""gaff - slang for house or place. e.g. "I'll meet you round my gaff in 10 minutes" and "He was all over the gaff" (all over the place). Originates from the 19th century when a 'gaff' was a slang term for a fairground or place of cheap entertainment.""

So, would we be talking about a bawdy house and the profession of lewdness? (bagnio, bordello, brothel, cathouse, crib, den, den of vice,disorderly house, dive, house of assignation, house of joy,
house of prostitution, joint, panel den, panel house,red-light district, sink of iniquity, sporting house, stew, stews,    tenderloin, whorehouse)?





Olde Slang

Subject: RE: BS: Sexual gaffs
From: kendall
Date: 16 Jan 11 - 07:44 PM

A gaff is also the upper spar that the sail attaches to. The boat or ship is referred to as "Gaff rigged".
Utah Phillips says it is a gimmick to get peoples attention.

Subject: RE: BS: Sexual gaffs
From: gnu
Date: 16 Jan 11 - 07:53 PM

What has macaroni got to do with sex? Maybe I don't wanna know.

Although, I really like macaroni, burgger and tomatoes. Especially nice ripe tomatoes.

Subject: RE: BS: Sexual gaffs
From: Mrrzy
Date: 16 Jan 11 - 07:54 PM

Oh, I can think of some...

Subject: RE: BS: Sexual gaffs
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 16 Jan 11 - 08:10 PM

There is one sexual gaffe that out-gaffes all other sexual gaffes, and we all know what it is, so let's cut to the chase. It's the mid-coital fart (aka the sexual guff), loud and proud. Many women think that their partners have suffered occasional impotence. Not so. The chap in question feels the mid-coital fart coming on in that irresistible way that only mid-coital farts command, and are so obsessed with holding it in that they lose, er, pencil lead. The usual excuse for the ensuing drop in performance is that you've done your back in. Here endeth sexual gaffes - lesson one.

Subject: RE: BS: Sexual gaffs
From: Slag
Date: 16 Jan 11 - 08:20 PM

Win one for the Old Gaffer!

Subject: RE: BS: Sexual gaffs
From: Bobert
Date: 16 Jan 11 - 09:15 PM

Not sure this falls in the gaff category or not but...

...back in the 70s I lived with another couple and I really had the hots for the lady part of the couple and so they broke up and so I called her up and invited her to, ahhhhh, come visit (so to speak) and so she did but she brought her, ahhhhh, her roommate (also female) and so what I thought might be an intimate night with a lady I really wanted to be with ended up being an evening with her and her her girlfriend???

Well I think they call that a managa'twa, 'er somethin' like that and it ain't like her girlfriend was all that bad 'er nutin'... Jus' wasn't what I had in mind...

Busy night, that much is fir sure...

B~

Subject: RE: BS: Sexual gaffs
From: Bill D
Date: 16 Jan 11 - 09:26 PM

So she says: "You don't like anything weird & kinky, do you?"

And he says: "Not really...except 'maybe' for the goat, the leather cummerbund, the Nun and the trampoline filled with jello."

She: "Ok...ok, I guess....wait, what flavor jello?"

He:"Uh...lime.."

She: "Pervert!"


The only real gaffe is not thinking and caring enough to sound out your partner and be aware of what concerns them and what pleases them.... the details are 'almost' irrelevant.



If your ideas don't match, gracefully back away.

Subject: RE: BS: Sexual gaffs
From: olddude
Date: 16 Jan 11 - 09:28 PM

Isn't that a song? Jumpin Jack gaff by the stones?

Subject: RE: BS: Sexual gaffs
From: Amos
Date: 16 Jan 11 - 09:49 PM

Relatively few men refer to their elevated poles as sexual gaffs; although some have been known to refer tot hem as reef-tackle falls.



A

Subject: RE: BS: Sexual gaffs
From: J-boy
Date: 17 Jan 11 - 12:50 AM

I remember reading about that night, Bobert. In the Penthouse Forum, it was. But you signed your letter "Anonymous."

Subject: RE: BS: Sexual gaffs
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 17 Jan 11 - 12:54 AM

Now jumping jack gaff by the stones sounds like a really interesting perversion. How does one do it?

~Michael~

Subject: RE: BS: Sexual gaffs
From: Michael
Date: 17 Jan 11 - 05:57 AM

Very carefully at your age Michael!

Mike

Subject: RE: BS: Sexual gaffs
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 17 Jan 11 - 09:17 AM

Saucebox!!!

~Michael~

Subject: RE: BS: Sexual gaffs
From: Rapparee
Date: 17 Jan 11 - 10:41 AM

"Mmmm...Nancy...."
"My name is Karen!"

"Ah, I missed and now I'm stuck in the bedsprings."

"Remember to leave the money on the dresser...oh, wait, we got married this morning didn't we?"

"OH SHIT! It's my father! He got off duty early!"

smile...giggle...laughter...ROFL....

Subject: RE: BS: Sexual gaffs
From: Wesley S
Date: 17 Jan 11 - 11:08 AM

Not on my part but...

Have you ever received a phone call inviting you over for a night of passion? Only to arrive and be told by the lady - "Ooops - I must have called the wrong number?" It tends to kill the passion rather quickly.

Subject: RE: BS: Sexual gaffs
From: kendall
Date: 17 Jan 11 - 11:23 AM

She called me and said, "Come over, no one's home." I went over, no one was home. (Rodney Dangerfield)

Subject: RE: BS: Sexual gaffs
From: Donuel
Date: 17 Jan 11 - 01:03 PM

Steven Shaw, the mid coital fart reminded me of a legendary post coital fart...

On Niagara Blvd, north of Buffalo in Tonawanda there is a Volkswagen dealership named Schmidt's. Old man Schmidt was an honest guy who looked like a heavy set Bob Newhart. He was a hands off owner and didn't pressure or pry anyone especially the sales manager Lance Parker who impressed Mr. Schmidt because he was an intimidating guy.
Parker came from a military and law enforcement family going back 3 generations. Lance was sales manager since he was over the top assertive and also because he got thrown off the DC police force from one too many kills with his police weapon.

The sales staff was Don the soft spoken rookie who said he had been a hypnotist, soul brother Charlie with an infectious smile and finally Mark Levin who was top dog salesman and should have been a politician and might be one day since his dad was a judge. Mark Levin had come from his own business where he contracted to train and motivate sales staffs. His dynamic personality cut that career short when he jumped on a disagreeable sales manager's desk and pissed all over the desk and manager. The manager had apparently made a few disparaging remarks about Jews in which Mark voiced a fluid resignation speech.

Since Lance was a Viet Nam veteran, a disgraced dismissed policeman and a recent divorce' he relied on his sales staff for his therapy in the form of dishing out vengeance for all the grief that the world had dumped on him. One day he asked the rookie Don about how the Police Chief's son was doing after test driving the Wolfsburg GTI. Don mumbled something about the kid being a snotty show off and nearly wrecked the car. As if on cue Lance,already pissed off at Don's anti war opinions, stood and shouted "what are you, some kind of hero to zero? He is the Chief's son you son of a bitch and you're not worthy to wipe his ass" Don said he was glad about that and was summarily told to get the F out of the office.
The next day Charlie told Don that he better watch out, Parker has a way of getting even that the devil would envy.

Charlie and Don were friends only after Don said he would kick Charlie's ass. Although Charlie was twice his size he took it as some kind of macho respect and sort of looked out for Don after that.
The showroom speaker barked "Don to the sales office" Don walked in sheepishly while Mark was writing two sales contracts at once. Don stood there for almost two minutes while Lance went through the motions of paperwork. There was a grilled chicken sandwich from Chick Fillet on the desk that smelled delicious. "Sit down" Lance said in a tone that almost sounded apologetic. "It looks like the Chief's son is buying a Charger, I guess it's a better fit. So anyway you need 3 more sales to beat your draw so show those Golf GTIs, they have the best spread. Don said OK while looking at the sandwich. Lance said "have you had lunch? 'no' "here take this extra sandwich, Debbie brought me lunch but I already ate" "Thanks". Don was not without suspicion but the sandwich said "I taste even better than my delicious aroma"

Despite the subtle warning, Don did not know that Lance had a older brother Randy in the FBI with total access to black ops labs. What you thought were rumors about the FBI carrying our covert operations in Cuba to discredit or even eliminate Castro, were all true. Even the chemical that purportedly caused such intestinal distress that they planned to give it Fidel in a drink to cause him pain or embarrassment while giving a speech. Randy gave some of this elixir as a present to Lance for a prank that they would fantasize giving to various people who had it coming, like Lance's ex wife or the bank investigator that was getting close to the missing 200 grand in the dealership's inventory.

Don jumped in his VW Golf and was on his way to pick up his girlfriend at University of Buffalo on the bright June evening. In the car his stomach was making a squeaking sound like clean tires on the showroom linoleum floor. Don had followed Cindy from Rochester and they had been together for 3 years. Don and Cindy stopped at the Hertel Ave sub shop and got 2 hot meatball and cheese subs if laid end to end were over 4 feet long.

Back at the apartment the bedroom was hot. The windows had been painted shut decades ago. The living room opened to a porch door but whenever the dog upstairs went to the bathroom the porch would rain dog pee so the door stayed closed except for this first really warm June night. Don had discovered that the TV in the tiny living room would work only if he took a spray bottle of water and squirted the back of the TV but Cindy wanted to get right to bed. While they both felt a bit like beached whales they laid spooning after love making, when the persistent stomach noises all day long changed frequencies into a much deeper register. Suddenly Don realized that he was actually swelling before his eyes. There was no pain but he knew time was up. First he had to lift a leg over Cindy to get out of bed. Oh my god that's impossible without unclamping the desperate sphincter of doom. Trapped on the inside of the bed he began to sweat trying to think of some kind of rolling move but the bed was right against the wall. He thought maybe I could just stand and run when Cindy asked "Are you OK?

He was halfway over Cindy when she broke the silence and all hell wanted to break loose. Don's failed choreography turned to plan B which was to just let go under the sheet and blanket and hope for the best. Just then a near perfect B flat tuba blast from thr 2001 soundtrack Also Sprach Zarathustra began to sound and to both their amazement growled deeper down to the range of the bottom pedal bass note on the grand organ. The sound resonated in Don's chest and Cindy's legs.. Maybe the submarine sandwich saved his life from an intestinal rupture since it may have acted like cannon wadding. Ten slow seconds had passed and so had at least 6 liters of gas as it neared the 15 second mark. Cindy's eyes were as big as saucers, Don was looking for any opportunity to force some kind of emergency cut off valve attempt but the end wasn't even close.

Twenty miles away was Erie Lackawanna renown for the stinkiest steel mills in the country. Tonight Lackawanna was a garden of lilies compared to Don's bedroom. The only place that had more methane was the moon Titan. Just when the staggering duration of window rattling woofer splitting bass notes became truly terrifying a cannon barage sounded like the magnesium bombs like the fireworks finale on the 4th of July. Bambambam BAAM Bam bam. Silence… except for a small fizzle, like the last gasp of a balloon that had just finished racing around the room.

It was dark. There was no breathing. They both staggered out of the bedroom and breathed their first deep breath at the acrid back porch door as though they had emerged from a record setting deep dive after holding their breath. The only other door opened to a stale hallway so the apartment did not exchange a bit of air. There were flies on the floor spinning on their backs. Don and Cindy gasped for Oxygen. The bedroom was impenetrable even after several minutes.
Neither of them had anything to compare it to as they headed for the car at midnight. While they didn't know it yet they were actually drawn closer by this near cosmic event. It had been the fart of a lifetime, the fart of the century. There had been nothing like it for eons since the dinosaurs had died out.

Don returned to work the next day and felt Lance's eyes study every move for any detail, for any clue. He hovered nearby to catch any word or tell tale indication what had happened last night. Don never gave him the satisfaction. Mark cracked first and spilled the beans that he was told to find out if anything unusual happened last night.
Don and Cindy were married 1 year later and never ate another meatball sub for the rest of their lives.

Mark went to work for the Anthony Gambino dealerships. Charlie made a fortune and lost a fotune in the crack trade and Lance disappeared 2 years later after shipping military ammunition to various African civil wars. What Lance didn't know was that he had given Don ten times the recommended dose of "FBI Castro Oil". The next time he tried it he gave his wife's new husband 100 times what he gave Don. It was the first case of spontaneous human combustion that Tonawanda had ever seen.

Subject: RE: BS: Sexual gaffs
From: gnu
Date: 17 Jan 11 - 02:53 PM

I worked all over Atlantic Canada. I arrived home one weekend and picked up my steady and we went for a scoff n scuff. After I got her back to her place and, you know, she asked me a question and I inadvertently replied, "I told you last night that...." Big gaff!

Subject: RE: BS: Sexual gaffs
From: kendall
Date: 17 Jan 11 - 07:55 PM

When I was in Boot Camp in 1953 I wrote two letters. One to my sister and one to my girl friend. Yup, I switched envelopes. My sister was amused, I never heard from my girlfriend again.

Subject: RE: BS: Sexual gaffs
From: GUEST,kendall
Date: 23 Jan 11 - 09:12 AM

A middle age woman got out of bed, went to the mirror and remarked, "I have crows feet, I'm flabby and my boobs are sagging." to her husband she said, "Please, tell me something good about me." Damn fool said,
"Well, your eyesight is perfect."
He never heard the gun shot.

Subject: RE: BS: Sexual gaffs
From: GUEST,Guest from Sanity
Date: 23 Jan 11 - 10:05 AM

frogprince: "Two things you should never do in bed: point and laugh."

Speaks volumes, eh, Froggy??

GfS

Subject: RE: BS: Sexual gaffs
From: Charmion
Date: 23 Jan 11 - 12:42 PM

frogprince: "Two things you should never do in bed: point and laugh."

Well, not when the actions are causally related, and the pointing comes first.

Men who laugh at my jokes are much more attractive than those who don't.

Subject: RE: BS: Sexual gaffs
From: HuwG
Date: 23 Jan 11 - 06:53 PM

In March 2009, Caroline Cartwright, living in Tyne and Wear in north-east England, had an anti-social behaviour order (ASBO) imposed, to prevent her indulging in noisy sex sessions.

Urban myth has it that when the police arrested her for breaching the order, they asked if she was going to come quietly ...

Subject: RE: BS: Sexual gaffs
From: kendall
Date: 23 Jan 11 - 07:53 PM

SNORT!!

Subject: RE: BS: Sexual gaffs
From: Joe_F
Date: 23 Jan 11 - 08:19 PM

While I was in college, a certain male student, having reached a certain point in conversation with a young lady in his room, ducked across the hall and made a quiet & urgent request of a friend, who replied, at a volume that could be heard up & down, "What the hell do you want a CONDOM for?". This story was published in the campus newspaper under the headline "Stupidest Question of the Week".

Subject: RE: BS: Sexual gaffs
From: frogprince
Date: 23 Jan 11 - 09:35 PM

"they asked if she was going to come quietly ..."

We usually spend the three U.S. summer holiday weekends at a resort, tenting in a small wooded area. Apparently I was sleeping so soundly one night that I was about the only person in that area who wasn't aware of the sounds that one young woman kept up for a major share of the night. A lot of the tenters eat breakfast at the little cafe in the clubhouse, and she was the main topic of conversation. I never did get a chance to sort out which couple was in that tent.

Subject: RE: BS: Sexual gaffs
From: Don Firth
Date: 23 Jan 11 - 11:08 PM

This fellow really loved opera. He was especially fond of a particular soprano, whose voice he considered especially gorgeous.

As fate would have it, they met, fell in love, and got married.

His primary interest in her was the beauty of her voice. He had to overlook the fact that she had a body like a sack full of pumpkins and a face like an English bulldog.

The wedding night went well, but when he woke up in the morning, he took one look at his bride and thought, "Oh, gawd, she's an ugly woman! What in hell have I done?" He broke into a cold sweat.

Finally, in a fit of panic, he shook her by the shoulder until she woke up. Then he pleaded, "For God's sake, sing something!!"

Don Firth

Subject: RE: BS: Sexual gaffs
From: GUEST,Patsy
Date: 24 Jan 11 - 04:41 AM

Being caught checking your watch, oops.

Subject: RE: BS: Sexual gaffs
From: Donuel
Date: 24 Jan 11 - 12:35 PM

Teens can be measured by stop watches or Egg timers
Old timers just use CSI, Matlock or Mc Guyver.

Subject: RE: BS: Sexual gaffs
From: Bill D
Date: 24 Jan 11 - 12:54 PM

Who remembers the little book "Sam, the Ceiling Needs Painting?" (in the 60s)

every page was just two sets of feet in different situations with 'remarks' added

Subject: RE: BS: Sexual gaffs
From: Joe_F
Date: 24 Jan 11 - 09:02 PM

Answer the phone, dear, it's at your end.

Subject: RE: BS: Sexual gaffs
From: Gurney
Date: 25 Jan 11 - 03:48 AM

Donuel, there's so much crap on TV here, I'd never time myself by CSI.

The news, yes, I've seen that before. They just changed the names.

Subject: RE: BS: Sexual gaffs
From: frogprince
Date: 25 Jan 11 - 11:53 AM

From a younger couple a couple of years ago:

They were tenting in an isolated lakeshore location. He got her talked into a little romantic interlude on a blanket in the open air. As she got...seriously involved in the situation...the whim struck him to say "someone's coming". She, quite unterstandably, mistook his meaning. A very short time later, he was alone on the blanket and she was inside the tent.

I know it's "hearsay", but, from watching her while he told it, I would be willing to bet that it's a true story.

Subject: RE: BS: Sexual gaffs
From: Donuel
Date: 25 Jan 11 - 09:07 PM

Honestly I have never seen any of those shows for more than 20 seconds.

Subject: RE: BS: Sexual gaffs
From: Gurney
Date: 26 Jan 11 - 03:42 AM

Every time I see this heading, I think to myself "If I'd had one of those sexual gaffs when I was single, I'd have pulled more girls."

Can a Mudelf (Who thought that term up!) please put in the 'e,' and set my fisherman's mind at rest.

[By request,unless OP complains]