Jokes turned into songs...

Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: Don(Wyziwyg)T
Date: 12 Apr 05 - 03:00 PM

Sorry for the typos too.

"hoNest citizen"
"The headlights"
Scratch the "Oh", It's We're going to take you away then.

OOPS!

Don T.

Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: Severn
Date: 12 Apr 05 - 03:08 PM

Johnny Sands/Old Woman From Wexford
Get Up And Bar The Door
Burglar Man

And which came first-Jumpin' Gene Simmons' "Haunted House" or Brother Dave Gardner's similar comedy routine?

Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: Skipper Jack
Date: 12 Apr 05 - 03:27 PM

I wrote this song based on a joke that I'd heard and the nursery rhyme, "Old Mother Hubbard".

There was an old man who had a little dog
And the little dog's name was Boozo.
And he was fond of a little drop of grog
And thereby hangs his tail O!

Boozo wanted to quench his thirst,
But the cupboard, it was bare O!
Because the old man had got there first
And not a drop was there O!

So Boozo he went down to the bar
And there he drank his fill O!
As he came out, he got jammed in the door
And left behind his tail O!

Poor Boozo died and to heaven he went
But St Bernard wouldn't let him in O!
Being tail-less was his punishment
For a night out on the binge O!

Boozo he went back to the pub
'Twas past the hour of twelve O!
But he howled 'til he got the landlord up
And he played merry Hell O!

"Please, can I have my tail", said the dog,
"If you would be so kind O'"
But the landlord looked at him all agog!
"You must be out of your mind O!"

"Don't you know that it is a crime?"
Poor Boozo, he turned pale O!
"To retail spirits after time
Would land us all in jail O!"

The last two line of each verse were repeated thus:
Jail O! Jail O!
Would land us all in jail O!
To retail spirits after time
Would land us all in jail O!

Subject: Lyr Add: DEATH OF A SALESMAN
From: just john
Date: 12 Apr 05 - 03:40 PM

A good song and a good twist on the old jokes:

DEATH OF A SALESMAN
(Steve Goodman, Steve Burgh, Jeff Gutcheon, Jim Rothermel, Lew London, Saul Broody & Ken Kosek)

The traveling salesman stopped for gas as it was getting late.
He sure was feeling tired and it was snowing on the interstate.
He said, "Won't 'cha fill 'er up with gas and see if my oil's alright,
And do you know a place where a tired-out traveling man might spend the night?"

The attendant winked at him and said, "I'll bet you been around.
The man who puts up lodgers here is known as Farmer Brown.
You'll find him in that old stone house just at the edge of town,
And he's got a 15-year-old daughter who likes to fool around."

The salesman winked right back at him and a smile came to his lip.
He paid for the gas and oil and then he gave that man a tip.
He started up and pushed that old gas pedal to the floor,
Went off like a hat, and in nothing flat, he was at the farmer's door.

The door opened up and a beautiful girl said, "won't you come on in?"
The traveling salesman's tongue was hanging out like Rin-Tin-Tin
"That old gas station attendant said I would find you here,
And do you have a suitable room to rent to me, my dear?"

She said, "Kind sir, I'm sorry, but the last one's gone, you see,
So if you want to spend the night, you'll have to sleep with me."
He said, "How fortuitous, my pretty little miss!"
And he throws his arms around her and he gives that girl a kiss.

Her warm and tender ruby lips he scarcely could believe.
He never saw the hammer she had hidden up her sleeve.
She said, "I'm getting sleepy, why don't we go to bed?"
And as they turned to climb the stairs, she whopped him on the head.

The very next day the salesman's car with brand new license plates
Was sitting at Farmer Brown's Super Service 'bout a mile from the interstate.
So all you traveling salesmen who might be passing through,
You better watch your step or that traveling salesman joke might be on you.

Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: Margret RoadKnight
Date: 12 Apr 05 - 07:42 PM

Oscar Brown Jr's "The Lone Ranger" ("....what you mean WE, white man?")

Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: GUEST,Allen
Date: 13 Apr 05 - 04:29 AM

The late great Vivian Stanshall wrote one that goes I wish the summer was here I could stand up in my wheelbarrow and pretend the summer was here..

Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: Flash Company
Date: 13 Apr 05 - 04:32 AM

Two I seem to recall, though I am not sure from where,
The Travelling Salesman's Tale.
Story line is the salesman who breaks down near a lonely farmhouse occupied by an elderly farmer with a beautiful wife. They say he must stay the night and after a supper described in great detail,(especially the apple pie) they retire to the only bed in the house, the old man sleeping in the middle. In the middle of the night the old man has to get up to attend to a calving, and at that point come the only two lines I remember clearly:-

She whispered 'Stranger, now's your chance!'
So I went and finished the pie!!!

The other one was the greenhorn in Alaska woo misunderstood the manhood ritual ' Make love to an Inuit woman and shoot a Polar bear',
ending with' Now where's this woman I've got to shoot?'

FC

Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: Leadfingers
Date: 13 Apr 05 - 06:21 AM

In the Bad Old Days of (UK) Folk Entertainers there were a string of good jokes turned into songs by people like Dave Paskett , Bob Williamson and the OTHER Alan White ,as well as the established writers like Miles Wootton

Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: pavane
Date: 13 Apr 05 - 06:36 AM

What about all those songs which turned into jokes?

Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: GUEST
Date: 13 Apr 05 - 09:37 PM

There's the song about the kid who falls into a well and his name is so long that by the time it's been said and/or repeated countless times (in aid of getting him rescued), it's too late. Here's one version; the version Ilearned as a kid ("Edddie Gootchagatchagammanohsimaranohsitohka- sammakammawakkee Brown") is slightly different.

Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: Celtaddict
Date: 13 Apr 05 - 11:08 PM

Don't miss Mick Ryan's "The Widow's Promise" about the lonely widow who promises her soul to the devil if he can satisfy her; he makes it to ninety-nine times, and she is still begging for more ("I can see just how your husband died") and he gives up and goes limping back to hell. She tries to summon him to try one more time and he does not respond, saying "Of all the pain and torment I've witnessed here in hell, I never knew what pain was 'til I rang her front door bell."

Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 14 Jul 06 - 12:41 AM

THE GREATEST, written by Don Schlitz, recorded by Kenny Rogers.

Subject: Lyr Add: IF YOU HAD A BRAIN YOU'D BE DANGEROUS
From: Sooz
Date: 14 Jul 06 - 02:54 AM

OOPS

Jez Lowe's song "High Part of the Town" has aa old joke in each verse as does Bernard Wrigley's "Silly Old Bugger".
Or what about this one from His Worship and the Pig (a great collection of one liners)

IF YOU HAD A BRAIN YOU'D BE DANGEROUS
(His Worship and the Pig)

You think that Sherlock Holmes is a local block of flats
And circumnavigation is what they do to cats
You think that crazy paving's only done by psychopaths
If you had a brain you'd be dangerous

        If you had a brain you'd be dangerous
        If you had a brain you'd be dangerous
        I tell you to your face you're a total waste of space
        If you had a brain you'd be dangerous

Well you think that ratatouille must have two rats in the pan
You think that best lambruscos only use New Zealand lamb
And you say you dread to think what they must put in coq au vin
If you had a brain you'd be dangerous

You think that Motte and Bailey were solicitors of old
That a gargoyle is a mouthwash for a medieval cold
You think a flying buttress is an all-in wrestling hold
If you had a brain you'd be dangerous

When they said you had a cute angina you just stood and blushed
You think that Humpty Dumpty didn't fall but he was pushed
And you think it's time that Tony Blair stopped beating round the Bush
If you had a brain you'd be dangerous

You think to dip your headlights you'd need a lot of water
You think that a vendetta is a type of motor scooter
You're convinced that Joan of Arc was Noah's eldest daughter
If you had a brain you'd be dangerous

You think that Human Bondage is a book packed with advice
And you think a condominiums a contraceptive type device
You think a sixty nine is battered prawns and egg fried rice
If you had a brain you'd be dangerous

Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: GUEST,Rowan
Date: 14 Jul 06 - 05:18 AM

I'd hoped to fing a mention of Bernard Wrigley and Sooz finally did it. The Bolton Bullfrog sang "Plastic Pies" (mentioned in two threads if you enter that in the search box) but Chris Seymourt gave only the words to the chorus. One verse describes a drunk who found a small tortoise and, thinking it a pie, ate it. He went to the pie seller and compliments him but asks if he can have another with a less crunchy crust. The same story has been told as a joke for many years but I don't know which came first.

Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: GUEST,Bruce Baillie
Date: 14 Jul 06 - 06:40 AM

How about this one I wrote a few years ago to the tune of Kenny Rogers 'Coward of the County' I once had an argument with a barman in a pub in Huddersfield called the County Bar, he gave me five pounds worth of change when I'd given him a ten pound note...

Everyone considered him the Bastard of the County,
of all the barmen in the pub he was the nasty one.
His mom had named him Billy but the folks all called him 'Shithead'
and as he worked behind the bar he'd sing this little song!

CHORUS
"I promise to do all the things I shouldn't do,
I'll walk right into to trouble if I can,
I've such a bloody cheek, I like to pick on them that's weak,
and if everything turns out as I have planned,
'll end up with half yer change left in me hand!"

One day a poor old tramp came in with not a penny on him,
half dead from exhaustion well he staggered to the bar,
"Oh for Christ's sake give us a packet o' crisps,
and a pint o' brown and bitter, I've not eaten since last Friday,
and it's nearly Thursday now!"

As Billy listened to the tramp his mind was ticking over,
he'd make this poor old worn out guy look like a right buffoon,
he said, "Alright then Grandad well I'll do just as you ask me,
...if you can drink one mouthful from that dirty olf spittoon!"

The tramp he looked from Billy's face to the cuspidore a - standing,
all green and slimy on the floor, it was brimful to the top!
the tears streamed down his tired old face, and the pangs of hunger stabbed him,
and Billy's voice came to him saying, "Go on lad, just a drop!"

H e wor t'centre of attention, all eyes were fast upon him,
as he picked it up with trembling hands, and he put it to his lips!
and as he gurgled softly all the customers started leaving,
and a customer in the corner, brought back his pie & chips!

"Look stop it now!" said Billy "This jokes gone far enough like!
Me customers are leaving, look here don't be such a chump!"
But the strain showed on the tramps face as these words he tried to gurgle,
"I'm sorry lad, I just can't stop, IT'S ALL IN ONE BIG LUMP!!!"

Well Billys face contorted as he dashed off to the bathroom,
he wasn't holdin' nuthin' back, he got rid of it all!
When he came back to the bar room, the carpet was all textured,
and the tramp had buggered off wi' t' till, and he'd left this little note

(And it said)

"I promised to chew, everything you told me to!
I got in there and sucked it like a man!
now I'll cut quite a dash, cos I've run off with yer cash, things didn't quite work out as you had planned, cos I ended up with your change in my hand!"

Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: Mr Red
Date: 14 Jul 06 - 10:01 AM

Actually this is not a bad way to write songs. All it takes is the wish to do it. If the joke appeals the only rule is not to make it so boring that the punchline is wasted, and that usually means establishing the facts and throwing in puns and pithy wit along the journey. Or making it short.

Though as GBS said - the golden rule is that there is no golden rule.

Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 14 Jul 06 - 11:14 AM

This was a humourous poem written by a neighbour of my Dad's. I have sung this as a folk song.....use your own tune.......


I was shopping in the high street, when a man came passing by.
He handed me a leaflet, which said "The end is nigh".
It was terribly convincing. I was sure it must be right.
It even specified the date, and gave the time of night.

This meant, of course, my shopping list was suddenly all wrong.
A month's supply of anything was twenty days too long.
I wouldn't need the batteries to put in all my clocks,
And when I bought detergent, only chose the smallest box.

In fact there was no point in doing washing after that.
Likewise I cared no more about the thoughts of getting fat.
Instead I just ate sweets and stuffed on curries like a pig,
And the time appointed found me smelly, bored, depressed and big.

But when the time appointed came, life went on as before,
Except I'd cleared my bank account, and weighed a whole stone more.
So now I spend my weekends on the treadmill at the gym,
And if I see that man again, the end will come for him.


Best wishes, Mike.

Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: Crane Driver
Date: 14 Jul 06 - 06:22 PM

Well, I wrote this a while ago - each verse is based on a food joke I found on the net - the chorus came to me in a hotel room when I was away from home on business. The tune is sort of music hall style.

(Chorus)
Oh, it's nice to go out for an evening
Of fine food and good company,
For laughter and chat, about this thing or that,
And music, and hilarity.
And we all like to praise Mr Bottle,
With the napkin tucked under his chin,
But I'd rather stay home, singing "No more to roam"
To the tune of an old violin.

Well, a man sauntered into a restaurant,
Where he ordered the best food and wine.
And when he had fed, to the waiter he said,
"Last year, when I came here to dine,
My luck it was down, and my wallet thin,
You threw me out in the cold and the rain!"
The waiter said "Sorry."; the man said "Don't worry,
You can just throw me out once again."
(Chorus)

One night I arose from my table,
As the room was beginning to sway
I put on my coat, and prepared to go out,
When this old fellow stood in my way.
He said "Are you Dr Fernackerpan,
That eminent medic of note?"
Then when I shook my head, the old fellow said,
"Well, I am him, and that is my coat!"
(Chorus)

We lived all alone by the railway yard,
My poor old daddy and me,
I was seven years old when first I was told
We had somebody coming to tea.
My Dad took a cake, then he passed it on,
To this lady in a flowery hat.
I said, "Dad, don't bother to look for another,
Cakes don't come any bigger than that!"

(Chorus)
Oh, it's nice to go out for an evening
Of fine food and good company,
For laughter and chat, about this thing or that,
And music, and hilarity.
And we all like to praise Mr Bottle,
With the napkin tucked under his chin,
But I'd rather stay home, singing "No more to roam"
To the tune of an old violin.

Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: Sooz
Date: 15 Jul 06 - 04:07 AM

John Conolly must deserve a mention here. He has written several hilarious songs based on English seaside post cards, a couple of which had us in stitches last night at Market Rasen Folk Club.

Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 15 Jul 06 - 05:13 AM

Yea and particularly the one about 'Grumpy Old Men'. Get to hear it .....and moreso John.... as and when you can folks.
Best wishes, Mike.

Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: Bert
Date: 16 Jul 06 - 01:18 AM

The last verse of "Lively" by Lonnie Donnegan was stolen from a Goon Show joke.

We'd rehearsed for weeks and weeks
a smash and grab to do
We'll throw the brick the others said
and leave the grab to you
the brick went through the window
now "Grab" the cried "and quick"
It wasn't 'till we got away
I found I'd grabbed our brick.

Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: Long Firm Freddie
Date: 16 Jul 06 - 01:53 AM

Here's a link to a learned discourse on comic, or as German scholars call them, schwank ballads:

schwank

Enjoy!

LFF

Subject: Lyr Add: THE PRINCE AND THE MAIDEN
From: Don(Wyziwyg)T
Date: 16 Jul 06 - 10:51 AM

Her's another from the Wysiwyg repertoire.

Don T.


THE PRINCE AND THE MAIDEN

A young prince who went walking in some woods near Hampton Wick,
Discovered that he'd lost his way, well he bein' rather thick,
He came across a clearing, and he said "What's this I see?
It is a fair young maiden, tied tightly to a tree".

Ch. Fol de rol de diddle-O, Fol de rol de dee,
It is a fair young maiden, tied tightly to a tree.

He said "Fair maid, how come you to be in this parlous state,
What wicked, nasty, evil villain's left you to your fate?"
She said "Kind Sir, if you will only deign to set me free,
I'll tell you of the wicked squire, and what he did to me".

Ch. Fol de rol de diddle-O, Fol de rol de dee,
I'll tell you of the wicked squire, and what he did to me".

The prince was all agog to hear the essence of her tale,
But as she was quite naked, other thoughts came to prevail,
He said "Hold hard young maiden, there's the question of me fee,
If I comply with your request, pray what's in it for me?"

Ch. Fol de rol de diddle-O, Fol de rol de dee,
If I comply with your request, pray what's in it for me?"

The maiden, now, was quite dismayed, "I can't believe", she said,
"That you're as wicked as the squire, Oh! I were better dead",
The prince was quite unruffled, as the maid began to pray,
He said, as he took his doublet off, "This ain't your lucky day".

Ch. Fol de rol de diddle-O, Fol de rol de day
He said, as he took his doublet off, "This ain't your lucky day".

The maiden stopped him with a glance, "If that's how it is", said she,
"'Twere better I enjoy meself, and join in willingly,
Remember that hereafter, for your crime you'll have to pay,
Now cut me loose you scurvy knave, and you shall have your way".

Ch. Fol de rol de diddle-O, Fol de rol de day
Now cut me loose you scurvy knave, and you shall have your way".

He drew his sword, and lashed out, and the rope fell down in coils,
She threw her arms about his neck, said, "Come, collect your spoils",
Then fervently, and ardently she kissed the dirty dog,
And all he said was "Rivet!", for he'd turned into a frog.

Ch. Fol de rol de diddle-O, fol de rol de dog,
And all he said was "Rivet!" for he'd turned into a frog.

Now the young prince and the maiden have gone their separate ways,
She's gone home to Daddy, and the frog in the swamp he stays,
He got himself into this mess, there's nothing he can do,
Till a maid agrees to kiss him. Well I ask you girls, would you?

Ch. Fol de rol de diddle-O, fol de rol de doo,
Till a maid agrees to kiss him. Well I ask you girls, would you?

So, all who listen to me song, attention pay to me,
Ne'er take advantage of a maid you find tied to a tree,
For love and lust, according to two differing points of view,
May change a frog into a prince, and vice versa too.

Ch. Fol de rol de diddle-O, fol de rol de doo,
May change a frog into a prince, and vice versa too.


Ó Don Thompson May 1980

.

Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 14 Aug 06 - 10:55 AM

See Lyr Req: Geordie Broon / Geordie Brown

Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 30 Sep 08 - 06:07 PM

See THE KNOCKING NELLY TRILOGY, consisting of 3 parts/3 jokes: THE BALLAD OF KNOCKING NELLY, KNOCKING NELLY AND THE SIXTY-NINER, and KNOCKING NELLY AND THE MOTHMAN—all by Bernard Wrigley.

Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: GUEST,Volgadon
Date: 30 Sep 08 - 06:10 PM

Get up and lock the door.

Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: oldhippie
Date: 30 Sep 08 - 07:38 PM

"The $65 Sports Car" aka "A True Story" was indeed recorded by Charlie King. He called it "The Corvette".

Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: oldhippie
Date: 30 Sep 08 - 07:41 PM

And the copyright apparently belongs to McCutcheon (1986) as "The Red Corvette".

Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: Joe_F
Date: 30 Sep 08 - 08:02 PM

"Come, come," said Tom's father, "at your time of life,
There's no longer excuse for thus playing the rake --
It is time you should think, boy, of taking a wife." --
"Why, so it is, father -- whose wife shall I take?"

-- Thomas Moore

Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: GUEST,Suffolk Miracle
Date: 01 Oct 08 - 10:28 AM

This was compiled from a series of traditional miners' jokes recorded in Dave Douglass' Pit Talk in County durham

Some men leave their sons their land, their gold and silver too;
If they have a house they leave to them the key.
But my father was a collier and he had no wealth to leave -
Instead he left this good advice to me:
CHO Never let your dingle dangle dingle-dangle down;
Never let your dingle dangle down.

The first day I worked down the pit a butterfly flew past
So I hit it with a shovel on the head;
Inside of half a minute everyone came running out
Crying 'Get out quick - the ventilator's dead!'

I must say that I've met some very small men in my time
But our Billy is the smallest I've seen yet
For when the shift is over and he goes into the shower
He has to run around to get it wet.

The Deputy who lives next doo said 'Wake me up at four
Because I've got the back-shift still to do.'
So at two o'clock I went around and woke the bastard up
And said 'You've only got two hours to go.'

A fellow got his leg trapped and the doctors went below
But they had to take it off before they'd done.
As they carried him outby the gaffer said 'You silly sod
It'll take you months to grow another one.'

Our Jimmy had to tell a lass her husband had been killed.
'Break it gently, don't just blurt it out' we said.
He went round to the house and when the lass came to the door
He said 'I bet you'll never guess who's dead!'

Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: Jayto
Date: 01 Oct 08 - 10:56 AM

I have seen plenty of good song ideas turned into jokes thanks to bad writing :)

Subject: Lyr Add: ELMA TURL (Mike Cross)
From: GUEST,Jim
Date: 01 Oct 08 - 02:39 PM

Sorry if this has been mentioned, but I didn't read the whole thread.
Mike Cross was mentioned in the first post. He also did a song called Elma Turl, based on an old joke. I heard Buffy Sainte-Marie sing an entirely different song based on the same joke.

ELMA TURL
(Mike Cross)

Elma Turl is a beautiful girl, and I'd love to have her for my wife.
She's just the kind of woman who could make me happy for the rest of my life.
My daddy said, "Son, there's something you don't know, and it's something I think you oughter.
Elma Turl is a beautiful girl, but son, she's my daughter."

Alice Green is a beautiful thing, and I'd love to have her for my wife.
She's just the kind of woman who could make me happy for the rest of my life.
My daddy said, "Son, there's something you don't know, and it's something I think you oughter.
Alice Green is a beautiful thing, but son, she's my daughter."

Well, I've been all around the whole durn county, like a buck huntin' for a doe,
But it seems every girl I'd like to marry is a wild oat Daddy sowed.
So I went to my mama with my head hung down, and she asked me what the matter could be,
I told her my problem and she took my hand and said, "Son, now listen to me.

"You see, your daddy was such a good-lookin' young man, and like an eager young stallion horse,
His blood ran hot, so you can't blame him for lettin' Mother Nature take her course,
But you got no reason to be upset. Don't you worry; don't fret; don't bother.
You see, your daddy ain't your daddy. He only thinks he is, so you can marry whomever you wanter."

Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: GUEST,harlowpoet
Date: 01 Oct 08 - 03:20 PM

This is one of mine that I managed to put onto You Tube

A Love Story

Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: dick greenhaus
Date: 01 Oct 08 - 05:41 PM

For them wot likes John Conolly's funny stuff, "The Grumpy Old Men of Old England" is his latest CD, and a good un, too. Available from CAMSCO, of course.

Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: Amos
Date: 01 Oct 08 - 06:04 PM

There are SCORES of songs based on humorous incidents populating the SONG CHALLENGE threads and most of them are archived in Aine's Mudcat Songbook.

A

Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: cptsnapper
Date: 01 Oct 08 - 11:45 PM

There's also Gerard Hoffnung's story, told at the Oxford Union, about the brickie who couldn't go to work, the musical equivalent of which was sung by Noel Murphy.

Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: Arkie
Date: 02 Oct 08 - 01:54 PM

There have been several references to the songs Shame and Scandal, Mixed Up Family, Johnny Be Fair, and Emma Turl which are all based upon the same joke. R.L. Burnside has recorded a joke on the subject. Whether his joke is anywhere like the old story, I can't say. I became interested in the story behind the song after hearing Shame and Scandal and later Jimmy Driftwood singing "Mixed Up Family". Jimmy had connections with Odetta who sang Shame and Scandal and Buffy St. Marie who wrote Johnny Be Fair, and I have wondered if any of them inspired the other. The only response I ever had from inquiries was that the song was based on an old joke. I heard the Burnside recording long after having heard the various songs.

Subject: Lyr Add: THE MANTRAP
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 02 Oct 08 - 07:41 PM

In maybe 1955, I think it was, I saw a two-line wisecrack in, of all places, the The Saturday Evening Post.
A modest girl doesn't chase bachelors.
Neither, on the other hand, does a mousetrap pursue a mouse!

Aha, sez I, there's a song in there! And so there was, the first song I ever wrote that was worth keeping. We won't mention the earlier ones. The tune has a sort of calypso beat, but, more's the pity, I'm not able to submit the tune here.

The Mantrap

Come all you young maidens and listen
And gain some instruction from me.
Be modest, demure, and retiring,
And chase not the bachelor so free.

Oh, do not act bold, free, and brazen;
Be modest, retiring and shy.
Men flee from the woman who chases
And the brazen young lady pass by.

But the modest girl does not chase bachelors
As doubtless you have been aware,
For the modest girl does not chase bachelors
As the bear-trap does not chase the bear!

Alas, would that it were longer!

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: GUEST, Sminky
Date: 29 Oct 08 - 09:36 AM

Englishman, Scotchman and Irishman

Unpublished song collected by Alfred Williams

(WSRO: 2598/36 Packet 5 - Miscellaneous: Williams, A: MS collection No Mi 562)


Verse 1

An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotchman too, one day
Were walking out together and one of them did say –
'We're all so very hungry, and I see on yonder hill
A flock of sheep a-feeding boys, it's one of them we'll kill.'

Verse 2

The notion being agreed upon, to the field they went together,
And from the flock a-grazing they chose a fine fat wether;
One held its head and one its legs, while, from underneath his coat,
Pat drew his knife out of the sheath and cut the poor brute's throat.

Verse 3

Then straightway one took off its skin and hung it on a briar,
Another gathered twigs of wood and kindled up a fire,
But the farmer he came riding by, and had them sent to prison,
For stealing his fat wether and for cutting off its wizen.

Verse 4

Next day before the learned judge the prisoners he took;
With gown and wig his worship sat, a turning of his book,
Said he – 'Tis a case for hanging,' and put the black cap on his head,
Saying – 'John Bull, Pat and Sandy, you shall hang until you're dead.

Verse 5

But I'll be merciful to you, since you have not long to live,
I'll set the law's strict rules aside and this favour I will give,
To choose your place for hanging, since you are so far from home,
So anywhere you like to name you shall be all welcome.'

Verse 6

Then the Englishman spoke – 'I'll choose the old oak, the pride of our native land,
On a high oak tree you may hang me since us you are going to disband.'
'All right,' says the judge, 'Away you can trudge and sorry I am to see you such a glutton
You all had your fill and the sheep did kill, so dearly you pay for your mutton.'

Verse 7

Then up spoke bold Sandy, of Scotland h spoke –
'On Scotland's high mountain let my neck be broke!
Let me breathe my last moments in an air pure and free!
Give me one pinch of snuff and in peace I will dee.'

Verse 8

'All right,' says the judge, 'This favour I'll grant,
Now take him away and don't let him snuff want.
Let him breathe his last moments in air pure and free!'
They did, and in ten minutes up went poor Scottee.

Verse 9

'Mush Gad!' then says Paddy, 'If I'm after dying,
O on a gooseberry bush I would like to be strung.'
'Oh, no,' the judge answered, this bold Paddy eyeing,
'There's never one high enough for you to be hung.'

Verse 10

'Hold hard!' then says Paddy, 'don't be in a flurry,
There's not one high enough everyone knows,
But as for the hanging, sure, Pat's in no hurry,
If it pleases your worship, I'll wait till one grows.'

Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 29 Oct 08 - 10:10 AM

That's wonderful, sminky!

I hadn't heard of Alfred Williams before, but there is an article about him at SwindonWeb.com. He may be the earliest folk-song collector I have heard of who was actually of the working class himself.

A database containing the songs that Williams collected, and some others, can be searched at The Wiltshire County Council web site.

This was mentioned in this earlier thread: Wiltshire Folksong Database.

Apparently no one knows what tune the above song was sung to. Can anyone think of an appropriate one?

Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 29 Oct 08 - 10:38 AM

I just noticed the last song has an odd rhyme scheme: for verses 1-8 it's AABB, then it switches to ABAB. Has anyone noticed this kind of thing before? Would it affect what tune you would use?

Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: GUEST, Sminky
Date: 29 Oct 08 - 12:00 PM

It was also known as "Dearly you must pay for your mutton" and appeared on broadsides, though I've not been able to find a copy.

Horry White of Ringsfield, Nr Beccles, Suffolk, sang a much abridged version, substituting "a Hebrew" for the Irishman. Horry can be heard on the Double CD 'Comic Songs of the Stour Valley and East Coast Fishermen', though I don't know if it includes the above song.

The website is here (scroll down a bit to see the words).

Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: MaineDog
Date: 29 Oct 08 - 12:33 PM

I am thinking of Fred Gosbee's "Great American Moose", which is seriously misunderstood by a hapless Scot who learns a lesson about comparative linguistics in a humorous manner.
MD

Subject: Lyr Add: A GROSS ERROR (Ron Baxter)
From: Ross Campbell
Date: 30 Oct 08 - 02:03 AM

I'm sure I heard the joke this song is based on many years ago. Ron Baxter of Fleetwood put it into verse, with the hope that it might appeal to local hairdresser and ukulele wizard Richard Grothusen (The Amazing Dick). I put a tune to it (substantially similar to the one that accompanies "Paddy and the Bricks") ages ago, and I've been singing it occasionally ever since. Finally got performed for its intended recipient last year.

A GROSS ERROR (RON BAXTER)
Tune trad. arr. Ross Campbell

I was working down the barber's on a "Tony Curtis" crop,
When an auld lad, about eighty-four, shuffled in the shop;
I said "I'll not be long, sir!", but for a cut he hadn't come;
He said "I'd like a word wi' you - and in private, son!"

"You remember Friday evening, the last time you cut ma hair?
Just as I was leaving, you said 'One moment, sir!
Anything for the week-end?' and I said 'I think I ought
to have a few of they Johnny things - so a gross from you I bought!'"

I said, "Indeed!", I remembered him, for that many I rarely sell;
He frowned as he continued, for things hadn't turned out well;
"Although a hundred and forty-four from you I thought I'd bought -
I'm sorry, son, but you've diddled me, and I find I'm a packet short!"

"Oh!" I said "I'm really sorry, sir, you can have another pack -
Or if you would prefer it, you can have a refund back!"
He said "No, never mind, lad - but I'll tell ye as a friend -
To be more careful in future - for you spoiled a great week-end!"

The last half-line is spoken with a sigh, and more in sorrow than in anger.

Ross

Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 30 Oct 08 - 03:17 AM

SALT
Can't see it here at all, but may have overlooked it.
A song based on a folk-tale rather than a joke seems to be making a comeback here in Ireland - heard it twice at a singing festival last week-end.
Don't have the words but plot goes - like- this.
Man takes job as farm-hand which requires him to live in with the farmer and his wife, both very mean, so he is not very well fed.
One of his first jobs is to kill the pig and salt it.
After some time the farm donkey dies and he is instructed to salt it for future eating.
Later the grandmother of the house dies; when he is instructed to "Go for the salt" he takes to the road.

At the same week-end I heard a song version of an American tale I know as 'The Mountaineer's Courtship'.
Old hill farmer, on his annual visit to town bargains for a wife, sets her on the donkey and heads for home.
On the way the farmer doesn't speak until the donkey stumbles and he says, "That's once" - wife says nothing.
A few miles later the donkey stumbles again; the farmer says, "That's twice" - wife says nothing.
Halfway home the donkey stumbles a third time; the farmer takes a stick and beats the donkey to death.
The wife lets out a roar, "How can you do that to a dumb animal, what's it ever done to you, how are we going to get home now, it's coming on to rain............ etc, etc, etc, etc..........
The farmer says, "That's once".
Jim Carroll

Subject: Lyr Add: PUB SONG (from Wounded John Scott Cree)
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 22 Dec 08 - 06:15 PM

Transcribed from the video at YouTube, where it is reportedly sung by Wounded John Scott Cree live at Brighton in 1976.

The tune is a familiar one; it is also used for THE NIGHTINGALE or THE GRENADIER—the one with the chorus that ends: "And they both sat down together for to hear the nightingale sing."

THE PUB SONG

One night I went out to a pub for a beer.
"That's 2p," said the barman, and he wasn't a queer.
I said, "In that case, are you having one too?"
And he said, "Cheers! I'll have 1p's worth with you."

I felt a bit peckish, so I ordered some crisps.
I said, "Give us one bag; no, look: make it six."
He went under the counter and lobbed them to me.
I said, "How much is that?" He said, "Nothing. They're free."

I thought, "What's the catch?" so to clear up my doubt,
I ordered a bottle of scotch to take out.
He went and he got it and gave it to me.
I said, "How much is that?" he said, "17p."

I thought it was Christmas, and funnily, it was,
And I realized I had no booze in my house,
So I ordered his entire stock of spirits from him.
He said, "Look, I'm sorry: we've run out of gin."

So I said, "Well, worse things can happen at sea.
Give everyone a drink and charge it to me."
There was two or three hundred, but that's what he did.
He said, "Sorry, all together, I'm afraid that's a quid."

I thought something was wrong and it started to nag.
It was then that I realized I'd run out of fags,
So I ordered two hundred to Piccadilly(?),
And of course all he charged me was 17p.

I thought it was time that the landlord was there.
The bloke said the landlord was busy upstairs.
I asked him, "What doing?" He said, "Here's the rub:
What he's doing to my wife I'm doing to his pub."

Subject: Lyr Add: DESTROYER BENSON
From: Joe_F
Date: 22 Dec 08 - 09:32 PM

RossCampbell: I heard that joke while a student at Caltech back in the '50s. It seems a certain chemist had found condoms just the thing for capping a test tube & leaving room for evolved gas. He bought them by the gross, because in his experiments he used racks of 12x12 test tubes. One Sunday he found that the box contained only 143. The following day he went to the drugstore & mentioned the matter. The young man at the counter rose to the occasion by saying "Gee, mister, I hope it didn't spoil your weekend."

*

The following story is said to be based on fact. I heard it, already much embellished, at Harvard in 1959. For a long time I thought it was the stuff of balladry, and eventually I got around to it. It is, of course, TTTO that other great ballad of concatenated disasters, "The Sick Note":

Destroyer Benson

If you will please to take your seats and turn attentive ears,
A Harvard tale I'll tell to you, from Pusey's golden years.
There was a wise professor then, a chemist known to fame --
Played golf with Eisenhower. Kistiakowsky was his name.

He had a brilliant student, name of Benson, and 'twas said
If you asked him for an orbital, he'd do it in his head,
But if he touched a test tube, it invariably broke,
And when he flipped the switch, the centrifuge went up in smoke.

It happened that the Boston Globe reported in those days
The Navy Yard had sent a warship sliding down the ways.
'Twas called Destroyer Benson, 'twas the pride of our Navee.
"Aha!" Destroyer Benson said, "That's just the name for me".

One night Destroyer Benson labored in the lab alone.
The very plumbing in the sinks could scarce suppress a groan.
He had a flask of mercury and wished to know its mass;
He put it on the balance in its little house of glass.

He loaded up the other pan with every weight in sight.
The balance never budged; the tongue hung stiffly to the right.
With sudden inspiration, to the cabinet he strode
Where he had heard that Kistiakowsky's own gold weights were stowed.

He piled them on the right-hand pan; the beam swung round at last,
And then it broke and dropped the flask, which came down hard and fast.
It shattered, and the mercury poured out and swirled around;
The steel weights floated in it, but the gold ones stood their ground.

Now if you are a chemist or a dentist, you've been told
That mercury on contact will amalgamate with gold:
The atoms walk their way into the crystal grains, and then
There isn't any easy way to get them out again.

It soon occurred to Benson the professor might be sore
To find his own precision weights now weighed a little more.
"I'll try some heat", he thought, and he assembled for the task
A clamp, a Bunsen burner, and an Erlenmeyer flask.

Alas, the weights within the flask stayed silvered as before,
Though Benson turned the flame up to a gratifying roar.
"I'll pump it out", he theorized, and so he went and stole
A pump, a vacuum hose, a tube, a stopper with a hole.

He went to throw the balance out, he heard a sucking sound,
Turned anxiously towards the bench, and this is what he found:
The flask had softened and was now completing its collapse;
The stopper melted on the weights and trickled through the gaps.

Now just imagine, if you will, that coruscating mass
Of precious weights, now shrink-wrapped under curves of gleaming glass,
Old gold and new quicksilver all entwined with threads of black:
Well, that's the way Professor Kistiakowsky got them back.

Said he, "A synthesis like this can scarcely be believed.
I hope that you took careful notes on how it was achieved.
In Arts as well as Sciences 'twill get you a degree,
And tourists in the Fogg will see your shining Ph.D.

We'll write it up this afternoon -- there is no other way.
I can't afford to have you here at Harvard one more day.
And soon in Cambridge there'll be no-one left to tell the tale:
I'll catch a plane to Washington, and you can go to Yale."

-- Joe Fineman (1998)

Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: maple_leaf_boy
Date: 23 Dec 08 - 05:26 PM

"I'm In Love With You Baby, And I Don't Even Know Your Name" was
written about a joke. (Alan Jackson: one of his relatives would
sometimes suggest he use it in a song as a joke. Eventually, Alan made
an attempt to write it, and the song is rather humorous. It's on his
first greatest hits record).

Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 01 Apr 10 - 12:07 AM

PAIR OF GEESE by Peter & Lou Berryman.

Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: Leadfingers
Date: 01 Apr 10 - 12:57 PM

100