BS: First Joke Thread for 2019

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 28 Oct 19 - 06:01 AM

A group is climbing in the Alps when one of them slips and falls down a deep crevasse. His teammates lower a rope down to him and tell him to grab hold of it.
"I can't" he shouts. "I've broken my arm".
"Well, use your other hand" the rescuers call back.
"I can't" he shouts back. "I've broken both of my arms".
"Can you wrap the rope round your legs?" they ask.
"No, I've broken both my legs".

After some discussion, they call down "you're going to have to grip the rope in your teeth". There then begins a long and painful haul to the top of the crevasse. As he's nearly reaching the top, one of the rescuers leans over the precipice and asks him "Are you managing OK?"

Back comes the reply "Yeaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh".

DC

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 25 Oct 19 - 10:29 AM

Two priests over-imbibing on the communion wine eventually got so drunk they began confiding their sins to each other and admitted they had both fathered illegitimate children
When they began to sober up they realised what they had done and began to panic
"I know", said the first, "you take my confession and I'll take yours, that way we'll both be of the hook"
They made their way to the confessional and Father Ted says to Father Donal, "You go first"
So Donal got in the box and began, "Bless me father for I have sinned...." and repeated what he had told his mate earlier
Father Ted absolved him from his wrongdoing with 'Three Our Fathers and Three Hail Marys'
Then Ted got in the box and did the same
When he'd finished, Father Donal let out a roar and said, "There's far too much of this sort of thing going on; this is the second one I've heard today - I'm going to report you to the Bishop"
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 24 Oct 19 - 03:18 AM

Told as a true story by my father, a navvy involved in trying to improve working conditions, particularly washing and toilet facilities, on the sites he worked on
In those days, toilets consisted of a large hole in the ground with an oil drum at either end and a plank stretched across to squat on - this contained in a removable hut to give privacy
When the hole was full, the hut was lifted and the home filled in - another was dug elsewhere

My father went into one of these one day to fin a workmate in the pit, sunk to his knees in "the stuff" with one arm submerged, fishing around in it
"What the **** are you doing in there Tommy?" he asked
"Well Jimmy", came the reply, "I came in here to make myself comfortable and was nearly finished when my jacket fell in - I'm trying to find it".
"You can't possibly wear it again after it's been in there", says my dad.
"I know that, but my sandwiches are in the pocket"

Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Joe_F
Date: 23 Oct 19 - 09:07 PM

He told the census taker that he was a Presbyterian and was married with five children, ages 4, 5, 6, 7, and 8. "You were having them pretty regularly for a while!" "Yes, sir. Then we found out what was causing it."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Donuel
Date: 21 Oct 19 - 12:44 PM

Thats what english jokes look like from my POV
I'll take the ham on 5, hold the Mayo.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 20 Oct 19 - 08:41 PM

It's supposed to be a joke thread, Donuel.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Donuel
Date: 20 Oct 19 - 06:09 PM

An Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman and a young Welshman walk into a pub.
Where is everybody?
The bartender said all the old expats from Canada, India, Hong Kong and Gibralter all went to Tahiti hoping to get stuck there after the Brexit deal is final.

I thought they were still in France after the world cup.
Naw, said the bartender, that was just a bad joke. Brexit is real.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 20 Oct 19 - 12:33 PM

A man went to see the doctor.

The doc said to him "You're going to have to stop masturbating."

"Good grief! Stop masturbating? But why, doc!"

"Because I'm TRYING to examine you..."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mrrzy
Date: 20 Oct 19 - 12:36 AM

Ah, Joe.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Joe_F
Date: 19 Oct 19 - 08:54 PM

Mrrzy: If you had asked me who he was, I would have said, "I think he's somebody on television."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mrrzy
Date: 17 Oct 19 - 03:43 PM

Wait, Johnny Carson has to be explained? Sad.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Donuel
Date: 17 Oct 19 - 10:17 AM

Raw Raw Raw Boom D A

sounds like an exploding sushi bar

now back to our regularly scheduled Benny Hill English sterotyped humour and prat falls.   yakity Sax...
Stay tuned for Mr. Bean goes to India
and the world of cheese with John Cleese at midnight.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Donuel
Date: 17 Oct 19 - 09:14 AM

Ah I still remember Johnny Carson* as Karnac who was asked what is
sis boom baaaa?


* Beloved American comedian of the Tonight Show and Gate Keeper of 2 generations of new comedians. Millions of Americans went to bed with Johnny every nite.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mrrzy
Date: 17 Oct 19 - 09:13 AM

Ooh I used to know an It's the sound of some animal exploding joke but it wasn't that. Maybe it was How do you make a cat go Woof? Gasoline and a match...

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Joe_F
Date: 16 Oct 19 - 09:23 PM

"Waiter! Come here and taste this soup."
"Where's the spoon?"
"A-*ha*!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 16 Oct 19 - 07:09 PM

It's supposed to be a joke thread, Donuel.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Donuel
Date: 16 Oct 19 - 06:40 PM

What is sis boom bah?

its the sound exploding sheep make

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 25 Sep 19 - 02:33 PM

A man is walking into a pub and has to pass a woman dressed in a Salvation Army uniform who is standing just outside the door.

"Give up the demon drink" she advises him, "It will lead you down the path to damnation".

Instead of ignoring her, he decides to confront her; "How can you say that if you never tried it? Come in with me and I'll buy you a drink. Then you can decide if you still think it's wrong."

"Oh, I couldn't possibly go into a public house" she replied.

"Alright then" he says, "I'll bring a drink out to you."

Realising that he had a valid argument, she reluctantly agrees but adds "As I'm wearing my uniform, do you think I could have it in a paper cup, please?"

He goes into the pub and straight up to the bar to order the drinks. "A pint of bitter please and, I know this might sound unusual, a gin and tonic in a paper cup."

The barman sighs and says "Is that bloody Salvationist outside again?"


DC

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 24 Sep 19 - 01:14 PM

May as well put this here too

A Sergeant major Major during National Service, reputed for his tactlessness was sent to inform one of his men that his mother had died
He assembled the men on the parade ground, lined them up and roarded - "Jenkins - your mother's dead"
The recruit collapsed with the shock
His superiors got to hear of it, called him in and reprimanded him severely
Not long afterwards he was given the task of informing one of the men that both of his parents had died in a car crash
He assembled the men on the parade ground, lined them up and roared:
"Every man with two parents still living take one step NOW - not so fast Harris"
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 23 Sep 19 - 11:00 AM

Hear about the woman who accidentally sat on some superglue?

Disarsed 'er...

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 17 Sep 19 - 08:49 AM

Peggy Seeger wrote a beautiful song about immigrants - "Hello Friend", the first line of which is;
"Hello Friend, I see you're a stranger"
In the hands of Northern Irelander, Dave Scott it became;
"Hello fiend, I see you're a strangler"

We never sang it to Peggy
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 17 Sep 19 - 04:45 AM

A small sample of altered names when we had a problem finding enough "English" material for a St George's Day gig, as nearly everything thing we did was Irish:

The Fields of Hythe and Rye

Follow Me Up to Harlow

The London Bury Air

I don't think too many people fell for it...

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 17 Sep 19 - 03:11 AM

More
Alan Tyne of Marrow
The Unquiet Gravy
The Grey Coc Au Vin
(Hang Down Your Head) Tandoori

Folk creatures
The False Kite on the Toad
Terrapin Hero
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Donuel
Date: 16 Sep 19 - 03:51 PM

Another Joe Bituary

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 16 Sep 19 - 03:14 PM

When I moved to London, John Faulkner and Sandra Kerr took me under their wings and invited me to many of their out of town bookings
To keep ourselves awake we divide a word game by adapting titles of folk songs
For instance - Folk vegetables - The Dowie Dens of Marrow
Or, folk dishes - The Bonny Scouse of Airlie

Your starter for ten....

Back with more tomorrow

Subject: RE: Joe- bituary for 2019
From: Donuel
Date: 16 Sep 19 - 03:10 PM

Joe Bituary

At first I thought it was Rap.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 16 Sep 19 - 02:37 PM

Steve Shaw ... on the subject of hernia. A friend of mine had a calculator built into his truss so he could always count on his own support!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 15 Sep 19 - 04:06 AM

Trump was attending a Royal dinner at Buck House when Madge lets off a skirt-lifter of a fart
A gentleman a few seats down the table stood up hurriedly, apologised profusely and quickly walked out of the room
Trump whispered (loudly) to his neighbour, "What's with him - she dropped it?"
He was told, "On occasions such as this, a gentleman always takes responsibility for such mishaps".
Five minutes later Madge drops another one.
Trump stands up and says, "It's OK ma-am - this one's on me"
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 14 Sep 19 - 06:08 AM

Again - told as a true family story
When my dad ceased to become a navvy, our house was regularly visited by former workmates seeking his advice on how to improve site conditions
One day a couple of them working on the nearby East Lancashire Road called to ask if he could find them a venue for a meeting
As a devout excommunicated Catholic, he went to the local very approachable priest who gave him permission in the local hall, St Columbas - this was the time when bingo was becoming a popular fundraising event
He returned from the meeting and told the family, "They have a new game over there - the priest stand up and reads numbers and if the people have the same numbers on their cards they win a prize - the bugger reads the numbers out in Irish so the Protestants can't win"
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 13 Sep 19 - 03:28 PM

In a small town in Northern Ireland, close to the border with the Republic, the local traffic policeman has managed to book every Catholic except one - the priest. But he has a plan.

The Catholic church is a the top of a steep hill and the priest's house is a the bottom. Half way up is a set of traffic lights. Each day, the priest struggles up the hill by bike. On the way home, however, he tucks his cassock up and rides down the hill at breakneck speed, peddling for all he's worth. One afternoon, the policeman opens up the control box and sets the traffic lights to manual. As he sees the priest hurtling down the hill, he flicks the lights to stop and gets ready to issue a ticket for running a red light. The priest slams on the brakes and puts both heels on the ground. He comes to a stop just half an inch from the stop line, smoke coming from the brake blocks, his shoes almost worn through. The policeman is amazed and, if truth be told, impressed.

"I don't know how you managed that" said the policeman.

"Ah, God was with me" replied the priest.

"Right, I've got you." said the policeman. "Two on a bike!".


DC

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 09 Sep 19 - 03:18 AM

A policeman walkig his beat comes across two men on the pavement - one lying face down with hi trousers around his ankles the other with his finger up his companion's arse
"What do ui think you're doing?", asks the Bobby
"My mate's had too much to drink and I'm trying to make him sick", came the reply
"You'll never make him sick by putting your finger up his arse" says the Booby
"I will when I put it in his mouth", came the reply

Similar situation - same Bobby
Same two men on the pavement, one flat on his back with his flies open, the other sucking and blowing his mates's penis
In reply to the Booby's question, the man says, "I'm giving him the kiss of life"
""You do that mouth-to-mouth" says the Bobby
"Have you smelt his breath?"
im Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Joe_F
Date: 08 Sep 19 - 09:05 PM

A farmer noticed that his cow had turned cross-eyed, and wondered if that meant anything bad. So he called in a veterinarian, who asked for a rubber hose. The farmer brought one, and the vet stuck one end up the cow's ass and blew hard on the other end. Sure enough, the cow's eyes straightened out. The farmer paid the vet and thanked him for showing the cure.
In a week or so, the cow was cross-eyed again. The farmer tried the same treatment, but it didn't work. So he called the vet again, repeated the treatment, and said "Show me what I did wrong". The vet took the hose out and put the other end up the cow's ass. "What good will that do?" "Did you expect me to use the end you had had in your mouth?"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 08 Sep 19 - 11:29 AM

A young lad is the sole survivor of a shipwreck in the Pacific an is washed up on an idyllic desert island where he finds he is able to survive on fruit and some root vegetables and a spring of fresh water.
Being hardly more than a child, he gradually grows to maturity unrescued lacking only company
As he develops he begins to notice the thing hanging between his legs and begins to experiment to try to find out what it is for - he finds that, if he touches it, it stiffens, so he devises a game, using it to flick stones down the beach as far as he can manage - gradually he increases the distance considerably
One day he is so engrossed in practicing that he doesn't notice the beautiful young girl, another survivor of another shipwreck, satnding watching him curiously
"What are you doing?" she asks.
Getting over his fright, he explains.
"I'm sure we can find something far more interesting to do with that", she says, and, sitting down on the sand beside him she gently pushes him down and, after a little tutoring, they begin making mad, passionate lust.
After a long period, they both sit up gasping for breath.
"There, what did you think of that?" she demands.
"That was amazing," he replies, "but I suppose you know you've ruined my flicker"
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 07 Sep 19 - 02:56 AM

This was told to me as a true story by my father, who was a navvy, very involved in getting the appalling conditions improved on the sites he worked on
When a site was set up, a large hole was dug somewhere, two oil drums were placed on each side and a plank laid across - then a wooden hut would be lowered over it - that constituted the site toilet
My father said he walked into one of these constructions to find one of his mates down in the pit, up to hi knees in the 'mixture' fishing around with his arm buried in it.
He asked, "What the **** are you doing in there Tommy?"
The man replied, "I came in here to do my business, I took my jacket off and hung it over the end of the plank and it fell in - I'm trying to find it".
"You can't wear your jacket after it's been in that stuff", said my dad.
"I know that Jimmy", came the reply, " but my sandwiches are in the pocket"
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 06 Sep 19 - 06:46 PM

I saw six blokes wandering around a cemetery for four hours with a coffin on their shoulders. I thought to myself, these guys have really lost the plot...

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Joe_F
Date: 06 Sep 19 - 06:16 PM

"Father, forgive me. I have sinned. I've become a prostitute."
"You've become *what*?"
"A prostitute, father."
"God be praised! I thought at first you said a Protestant."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 06 Sep 19 - 10:10 AM

Paddy Murphy, the Irishman decides that before he gets too old he would like to see some of the world, so he jumps into a rowing boat and rows over to Scotland, then sets off walking through the country, down into England and then through Wales
Pretty soon news of his epic trek is reported in all the newspapers and on the local radio ND his affable, easy going nature makes him friends wherever he goes - he is constantly invited in to people's homes where he is fed and given a bed for the night
Eventually, he crosses into France, then through Germany, Switzerland, and eventually Italy, still making friends and winning hearts everywhere.
He finally decides to end his journey with a visit to the Vatican.
He is standing in St Peter's Square along with the thousands of others hoping to catch a glimpse of the Pope, when the very man he wishes to see comes out into the crowd and begins to bless them
Spotting Paddy, he comes over and says, "I've been reading of your adventures my son - I'm delighted to meet you; tell me, which part of Ireland do you come from?"
"Belfast, you Papish bastard"
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: saulgoldie
Date: 06 Sep 19 - 08:16 AM

On a tombstone:

Here lies the body of Les Moore.
No les.
No moore.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 05 Sep 19 - 08:44 AM

"I offer my honour, sir knight " said the fair maiden.
"I honour your offer" said the the gallant knight.
And all night long he was ohn her and off her
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 05 Sep 19 - 03:16 AM

A young French mother was walking her young child though Paris Zoo when they stopped to watch the elephants - one male bull's enormous penis, on-heat and ready for action, was hanging down full length beneath him.
The child pointed and asked "what's that mummy"
Thoroughly embarrassed, the young woman hastily replied, "It's nothing dear".
A passing Frenchman told her, "Madam is blasé".
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mrrzy
Date: 04 Sep 19 - 10:06 PM

What's that pig doing in the hot, dry desert?

Bakin' [might need American accent]...

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 04 Sep 19 - 04:20 PM

A wealthy man steps out of his front door just in time to see the painter he had hired putting the finishing touches to his classic car with weatherproof exterior paint
"I said the porch, you stupid bastard, the porch"
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mrrzy
Date: 02 Sep 19 - 11:11 PM

If you're looking for the Time Travelers Anonymous group, we meet last Thursday.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 02 Sep 19 - 03:40 PM

Reminded by the greyhound thread - probably told this before but so may jokes - so little time

A gambling addict down to his last few sheckles decides to blow them all on one last race so he sets off for Wimbledon Dog Track
Going through the main gate he is accosted my a man who tells him about this wonderful dog which is guaranteed to win every race it enters - affret listening patently for a few minutes, the gambler is completely sold on the idea the dog cannot possibly lose
"One slight problem" says teh tipster, "The animal is used to clockwise courses and this one is anti-clockwise; but I have no doubt he's fast enough to overcome that"
The punter puts all hsi money on teh dog and stands patently for te race to start.
The rece begins and, before the first bend the dog in gards in front of teh rest of the field, but, when it comes to the turn, the dog goes off to the right instead of the left
Righting itself, the dog gets back on course and quickly overtakes the rest of the field until the same happens at the second bend until the dog sorts itself out again.
This happens throughout the race until, at the finishing post, the dog crosses the finishing line a nose behind the winner
In despair, the punter throws away his ticket and heads towards the gate when he is once more accepted by the tipster who apologises profusely
"No problem" says the punter, these things happen"
You know that fault with your dog can be easily cured" he tells the tipser
"How ?" the man asks anxiously
"You just have to put a little piece of lead in its ear" he is told
"But surely it'll fall out ?"
Not if you put it in properly - try using a ***** gun"
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 02 Sep 19 - 07:41 AM

An epitaph from the 18th century, its' called ' On Aberdeen '

Here lies the body of Elizabeth Charlotte,
Born a virgin, died a harlot,
A virgin still a 17,
A remarkable thing for Aberdeen.

Dave H

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 02 Sep 19 - 06:11 AM

They have refused to allow the entry of men wearing trusses into taking part in 'Come Dancing' - they said it restricts the ballroom
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 02 Sep 19 - 05:15 AM

Was thinking of going to the Hernia Support Group yesterday but I didn't want to be held up.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 02 Sep 19 - 04:58 AM

Last year, I joined a support group for anti-social people. We haven’t met yet!
I joined a support group for people with memory loss which was supposed to meet at 2pm on Monday. Nobody turned up!!
Went to the Loneliness support group today but no-one else came.
Was going to the Vegan support group today but realised it could be a missed steak.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 02 Sep 19 - 03:18 AM

Funny girl - we went to bed, I put my p.... in her hand and she said, "I'll put it under the pillow and smoke it in the morning"
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 01 Sep 19 - 09:35 PM

I went on the Big Dipper at Blackpool Pleasure Beach. For half the ride I was laughing my head off, but for the other half I was in floods of tears.

It was an emotional roller-coaster...