BS: Joke Thread for 2022

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 06 Jan 22 - 05:40 PM

The teacher is telling her class of six-year-olds the bible story of Adam and Eve.

"Now do you remember from last time who I told you was the very first man?"

After a slight pause, little Jimmy's hand shot up, "Adam, Miss!"

Very good, Jimmy! Now can anyone tell me the name of the very first woman?"

Silence...

"Come along now! I'll give you a clue. Think of the serpent..."

Silence...

"OK, another clue. Someone must remember her name...Think of the apple..."

Little Mary's hand shot up, "Granny Smith, Miss!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 06 Jan 22 - 04:52 PM

Well aren't you just a laugh a minute...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 06 Jan 22 - 04:30 PM

Dogs have been known to watch TV. Good ol McGruff loves to watch Lawn and Odor but hates bad boy bad boy, watcha gonna do when they come for you...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 05 Jan 22 - 08:32 PM

Little girl is on a train ride with her grandad.

She looks out of the window and says, "Look, grandad, moo-cows!"

"Yes, very nice," says grandad, "but that's not very grown up, is it? In future, just say 'cows!'"

"Sorry, grandad..."

A little while later she looks out of the window and says, "Look, grandad, baa-lambs!"

"Yes, very nice," says grandad, "but that's not very grown up either, is it! In future, just say 'lambs!'"

"Sorry, grandad..."

A little while later, grandad looks at the book that the little girl is reading and says, "That looks like a very nice book, my dear. What's it called?"

"Winnie The Shit, grandad..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 05 Jan 22 - 01:03 PM

A middle-aged woman was standing in front of her full-length bedroom mirror stark naked while her husband reclined in bed.

"Oh my God, look at me!" she wailed. Wrinkles everywhere, bags under my eyes, bat's wings, my arse looks like a burst bag of broad beans and my tits are nearly touching the floor! For God's sake cheer me up and say something nice about me!"

"Well," he said, "your eyesight is perfect..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 05 Jan 22 - 12:44 PM

lol, Mrrzy.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 05 Jan 22 - 12:21 PM

Ye gods...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 05 Jan 22 - 10:49 AM

Vin Diesel only eats 2 meals a day:
Breakfast
Breakfurious

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 04 Jan 22 - 10:35 AM

That's a lovely baby you have there!

Thank you! He's very nice and smiley...

Ooo, is he?

And he always feeds really well...

Ooo, does he?

Yes, and he sleeps through the night, mostly!

Ooo, does he?

Yes, but he doesn't half cry sometimes...

Ooo, does he?

Yes he does. Bawls like a bull....

Ooo, has he?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 04 Jan 22 - 10:03 AM

I called the ISPCA today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs."

"That's terrible," the woman on the phone replied. "Are they moving?"

"I'm not sure, But that would explain the suitcase."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Rain Dog
Date: 04 Jan 22 - 04:40 AM

I think you are mistaken. Absence of balls on snow people is down to cold weather shrinkage.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 04 Jan 22 - 04:30 AM

It's not a snowman. It's a snow-woman.

...


...

...

's no balls.



DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 03 Jan 22 - 01:48 PM

If a snowman loses his temper, is he having a meltdown?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread fr 2022
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 03 Jan 22 - 11:37 AM

We seem to have had many of these before: Spoonerisms

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread fr 2022
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 03 Jan 22 - 11:22 AM

. . . between a New Year's day reveller and a mountain goat?
On mucks about in the fountains.

. . . a costermonger and a dog with no hind legs?
One bawls out his wares.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread fr 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 03 Jan 22 - 09:11 AM

What's the difference between a tractor and a giraffe?

A tractor has hydraulics, whereas a giraffe has high...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread fr 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 03 Jan 22 - 08:34 AM

...a rooster and a lawyer?

The rooster clucks defiance!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread fr 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 03 Jan 22 - 07:55 AM

What is the difference between a magicians wand and an officers night stick?    The wand is for cunning stunts.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread fr 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 02 Jan 22 - 07:42 PM

lol, Donuel.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread fr 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 02 Jan 22 - 07:18 PM

Well in the seventh post of this thread I'll post an actual joke. It's weak, but at least it's a bloody joke. Ahem.


"As far as I'm concerned, autocorrect can go straight to he’ll."


(I told you it was weak...)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread fr 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 02 Jan 22 - 06:54 PM

What’s the difference between a pickpocket and peeping tom? A pickpocket snatches watches.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread fr 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 02 Jan 22 - 06:41 PM

Now that's funny, Mr. Red!

What do you call a disease you catch on Instagram?

Influenza!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread fr 2022
From: Mr Red
Date: 02 Jan 22 - 05:19 PM

Never knowingly understated. Right on cue, Stevie boyo. I started it just to prove the point. I win.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread fr 2022
From: Mr Red
Date: 02 Jan 22 - 05:17 PM

Dan Leno - 1878

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread fr 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 02 Jan 22 - 05:15 PM

Any minute now we'll start with a joke...

Subject: BS: Joke Thread fr 2022
From: Mr Red
Date: 02 Jan 22 - 05:08 PM

Why does 'king Boris wear
 red   white  &  blue  braces?









to keep his trousers up!