BS: Joke Thread for 2022

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 11 May 22 - 05:28 PM

If Freud were alive today he might say "sometimes a rainbow is just a rainbow".

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 11 May 22 - 06:56 PM

And the punchline is...?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 11 May 22 - 07:06 PM

A bear walks into a bar and says, “Give me a whiskey and …...........soda."

“Why the big pause?” asks the bartender.

The bear shrugged. “I’m not sure; I was born with them.”

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 12 May 22 - 12:35 PM

A horse walked into a bar and ordered a whisky and soda. 'Why the long face'? asked the barman.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 12 May 22 - 04:23 PM

An ass hole authoritarian walked into a bar and everyone else left.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 12 May 22 - 04:45 PM

If Michael Bolton is making a comeback. why not Bob Dylan?
Because Michael Bolton is making a comeback.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 12 May 22 - 06:24 PM

A bloke walks into a bar and sees three pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling.

He asks "What's this about?"

The barman replies "Well, if you can jump up and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you pay for everyone's drinks for the next hour. You want to try it?"

The chap replies "Nah, the steaks are too high."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 12 May 22 - 07:41 PM

A bloke walks into a bar and orders 12 shots. Before the barman even returns with the bill, the man has necked ten of them and shows no signs of slowing down. As the fellow finishes his final shot, the barman asks, "Why are you drinking so fast?"

The chap replies, "You'd be drinking fast, too, if you had what I had."

The barman asks, "Why, what do you have?"

The bloke says, "25p..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 16 May 22 - 11:04 AM

Times have changed. People used to make bathtub gin during prohibition
Now they make internet bathtub baby formula.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 16 May 22 - 07:18 PM

Today on MSNBC
Coming up: President Biden on Baby Formula.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 16 May 22 - 07:21 PM

Maybe he'll tell us a joke.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 16 May 22 - 10:28 PM

https://www.davideriknelson.com/sbsb/index.php/2017/10/this-is-a-kinda-rapey-application-of-steve-shaws-psychokinetic-touches/

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 17 May 22 - 10:23 AM

That is seriously offensive. You have no judgement, have you? Idiot.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 17 May 22 - 10:40 AM

Only if you are that Steve Shaw, no?

"My way of joking is to tell the truth. That's the funniest joke in the world.“
-A Shaw, but not Steve

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 17 May 22 - 12:03 PM

The intention was transparently obvious. Disingenuousness doesn't suit you. The allusion to rape in a piece with my name in it is utterly disgraceful. Anyway, here's a hearty Irish joke (from the Irish Post, so don't blame me!)

A sobbing Ms Murphy approaches Fr O'Grady after Mass.

He says: "So what's bothering you?"

She replies: "Oh, Father, I've terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

The priest says: "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Did he have any last requests?"

"He did, Father," she replied. "He said: "Please Mary, put down that damn gun."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 17 May 22 - 12:26 PM

There are more Steve Shaws than you can shake a shtick at.
My comic gods know how to find the line and cross it.
You are a Milton Burle joke theif and I am a George.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 17 May 22 - 03:50 PM

The only thing you are is a confounded bloody idiot. Do keep on showing yourself up. It could become quite enjoyable, though I'm sure the narrative will disappear.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 17 May 22 - 04:32 PM

Whatever you say, but I am kind.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 17 May 22 - 04:49 PM

You're nothing. You're just an idiot.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 17 May 22 - 05:30 PM

Why do the French eat snails?


......


......


......


They don't like fast food.

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 17 May 22 - 06:04 PM

I wonder exactly how many French people actually do eat snails...or frogs' legs... (not to detract from your excellent joke - at least some of us round here actually know what a joke is...)!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Raggytash
Date: 17 May 22 - 07:26 PM

Donuel, your "jokes" do not translate to this side of the pond, if indeed they are jokes.

This has often been a problem for American comedians trying the ply their craft in the UK.

Your link earlier, if it had happened in the UK, would be seen to be in very poor taste (at the least) and would not be found to be "funny" in any way, shape or form.

Steve's jokes are often, to many of us here on this side of the water, old and perhaps jaded but they have the distinct advantage of being funny and sometimes they are downright bloody hilarious.

Perchance you could learn some humour (correct spelling) from him.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Raggytash
Date: 17 May 22 - 07:29 PM

Just an after thought, do your fellow Americans find them funny.

A genunine question, I am curious.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 17 May 22 - 08:24 PM

They may be old and a bit jaded, Raggytash, but they're not as old as some of Jim's were! :-)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 17 May 22 - 08:45 PM

Luigi and Paulo were fishing in the Mediterranean sea one sunny day when a World War II mine came floating along. On seeing this round, spiky object coming nearer and nearer, Luigi shouts at his friend “Hey Paulo, it’s a mine, it’s a mine!” Paulo replies,” OK, Luigi, you can-a have it!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 18 May 22 - 12:21 PM

A keen gardener had, over the years, built up his hobby into a successful business and was now doing very well for himself; enough, in fact, to provide his daughter with a private education at one of the country’s leading public schools. In spite of this, he had never lost his country ways. When asked for the secret of his success, he would reply loudly “Manure, manure and more manure!”. This caused his prim and proper daughter acute embarrassment.

Knowing that he was likely to be interviewed on television at the upcoming RHS Chelsea Flower Show, she said to her mother, “Oh Mummy, can’t you get him to call it fertilizer?”

“You leave him be, my dear” replied her mother. “It took me nigh on 15 years to get him to call it manure!”

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 18 May 22 - 01:28 PM

100 years ago an American joke was spawned from the back rooms of Vaudville. In the day people auditioned for the vaudville stage and you never knew what you were going to get. This is a version of the joke that was told only among comedians in private and has evolved over the years. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aGA0dIz9-Wk
Olde jokes don't do it for me.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 18 May 22 - 02:27 PM

comedy roasts including the roast of donald trump
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VXo31OBIdUw

dead
comedians
being serious
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OqPy5SXQ_qw

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Raggytash
Date: 18 May 22 - 06:42 PM

I listened to about 15 seconds of your first post Donuel, not only was it crude it was offensive.

I suspect that if your American brothers and sisters listened to it they would be appalled.

If I was a moderator it would delete the post and censor you for posting it.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 May 22 - 07:05 PM

At least the "olde jokes" can give you a groan or a belly laugh in turns. That link was completely disgusting and I don't know what you think you were doing posting it without giving us a health warning first. One thing's for sure: it has nothing to do with jokes. You are wrecking this thread and it's becoming more and more difficult to get past you and restore the spirit of the thread by telling actual jokes, "olde" or not.

On topic, a groaner perhaps (but still a joke):

"Is there anything great about Switzerland?"

"I don't know, but at least the flag is a big plus..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 18 May 22 - 07:16 PM

The link to the comedy roasts, posted above, opens a video titled "The Best of Gilbert Gottfried". If that is the best, I will skip the rest, thank you very much.

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 19 May 22 - 08:59 AM

I wish a speedy recovery to the tender hearted exposed to the joke 'Aristocrats'. The accepted treatment and remedy is to watch Richard Attenborough twice a day for a week and avoid all contact or mention of of sex and bodiy fluids. Get well soon.

The exposure to this joke may cause wincing groans or seizures depending upon how much a distraction is needed after a tradgedy. The vaccinated suffer mild or no symptoms.
Vaccines are available at andrew/epstien.com

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 19 May 22 - 10:10 AM

It's not a question of being tender hearted - it's just that I don't want to waste my time on something that simply isn't funny.

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 19 May 22 - 12:01 PM

? ? ?




Back to the joke thread:-

A woman was chatting to her neighbour over the garden fence, discussing their tomato plants. A day or two before, both of them had plants laden with unripe fruit but now his tomatoes were red and ready to pick while hers were still green. She asked him what he done to achieve such a transformation. He said that the night before, he had just got out of the bath and remembered that he needed to put something away in the greenhouse. He went out in just his bathrobe and slippers and as he reached up to put a box on a shelf, his bathrobe fell open, revealing his masculinity. He joked that the tomatoes must have blushed with embarrassment at the sight as overnight they had turned red.

That night, as she was getting ready for bed, she thought that she would give it a try. She went out into the garden and, after checking that no one was around, she opened her dressing wide. The next day she told her neighbour what she had done:

“Did it work?” he asked.

“No!” she replied. “They’re still green but the cucumbers have grown quite a bit.”

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 19 May 22 - 07:54 PM

Gilbert Godfried and Bob Saget are both deceased now, so they won't be making any new videos. They are an acquired taste.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Stanron
Date: 22 May 22 - 12:03 PM

C, E flat and G walk into a bar. The Barman says "Sorry, we don't serve minors."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 22 May 22 - 09:29 PM

An apple pie, a burger and a cheese sandwich walked into a bar.

"I'm sorry," said the barman, "but we don't serve food here..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 23 May 22 - 08:02 AM

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly towards four men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one man and he clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed to the man, and apologised. ‘'Please let me help. I'm a Physiotherapist and I know I could Relieve your pain if you'll let me’' she told him. 'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' he replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands at his groin. At her persistence, however, he agreed to let her help.
She moved his hands to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She provided tender and artful massage for several long minutes. ‘'How does that feel?’’ she asked. He replied: ‘'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken’

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 23 May 22 - 10:36 AM

If you steal a Tesla, is it now called an Edison?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 23 May 22 - 10:39 AM

There was a gambler from Uoton New Hampshire. Who used a nude dancer
to screw the bet handler. When she bent over he quickly reached over
but did not elude his capture

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 24 May 22 - 09:06 AM

Anticrastination: putting off something till yesterday.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 24 May 22 - 10:44 AM

Pro-procrastination.... after all, why put off until tomorrow, what you can do the day after?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 24 May 22 - 11:27 AM

I spent two hours this morning trying to decide whether to procrastinate, but in the end I just put it off.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 25 May 22 - 11:05 AM

I figured I'd take a shot.

An American is lecturing a British person, saying things like “it’s an elevator not a lift” and “it’s chips not crisps” etc. After a while of this the British person calmly retorted “they’re schools, not shooting ranges”

A Foreign exchange student is sobbing under desk
American student: “First time?"

How are school shooting victims and school shooting jokes similar? They never get old.

A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands for money.
Once he is given the money, he turns to a customer and asks, “Did you see me rob this bank?”
The man replied, “Yes sir, I did.”
The robber shot him in the head, killing him instantly.
He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, “Did you see me rob this bank?”
The man replied, “No sir, I didn’t, but my wife did!”

Whenever I hear about a mass shooting, the first thing I think is
Betty White.

What's the difference between school shootings and mass shootings?
School shootings have class and mass shootings are Catholic.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 25 May 22 - 11:55 AM

Amerika is getting wierd. My brother went to the fights and a hockey game broke out. I went to the mass shooting and a Trump rally broke out.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 25 May 22 - 11:58 AM

Instead of polluting this thread, why don't you just start your own thread and call it "bloody bad taste thread?"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 25 May 22 - 01:00 PM

One weekend when a funeral procession passed a man and his boss were playing golf. The man took off his hat and stood silently with eyes downcast. He didn't move until the procession was out of sight. The man's boss, an elderly gentleman, approved. "You don't often see respect like that much among you young folk these days" he said, as they resumed their game.?"Well, I thought it was only right." Replies the man. "After all, we'd been married for ten years."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 25 May 22 - 01:35 PM

Possibly from where its been his thumb had a bloody awful bad smell when he would toast "here's mud in your eye".

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Raggytash
Date: 25 May 22 - 02:40 PM

There has to be something seriously wrong with someone who can kill those children, there must also be something seriously sick about someone can joke about the killing of 19 children all aged about 9 or 10 years old.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 25 May 22 - 04:17 PM

Cheers, Raggytash. I'm really sorry now that I allowed myself to get through that revolting post.