BS: Joke Thread for 2022

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 25 May 22 - 04:24 PM

Regarding the sick American psyche, I agree.
They are all just a google away.
The Lt. Govenor of TX calls gun control advocates SICK son ofa bitch assholes and are out of line. I believe the kids were in line when shredded by LEGAL military weapons.

I don't post the ones that said "They're just Blacks and Spics".
Raggytash,
Your empathy is refreshing. Americans are numbed.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 25 May 22 - 05:56 PM

It wasn't about the "sick American psyche." It's about YOUR sick "sense of humour." You need to take responsibility for that post.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 25 May 22 - 07:32 PM

"I bet you can't tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time," a husband says to his wife.

She thinks about it for a moment and then replies, "Your willy is bigger than your brother's..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 25 May 22 - 08:17 PM

ARE YOU RESPONDSIBLE FOR ALL RACIST, SEXIST, MURDEROUS, BODY SHAMEING, SEXUAL ACT, DRUG AND ALCOHOL ABUSE AND RELIGIOUS SACRILEDGE jokes ?
Best to steer clear of those perverted topics. I favor the truth, funny or not.
You are good at repeating sophmoric and grade school humor but live and let live.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 27 May 22 - 09:00 AM

You're jealous because you are so utterly unfunny. And you wouldn't know the truth if it reared up and bit you on the arse. And there's no need to shout. Go and find some fellow would-be puritans, sit around telling each other boy-scout jokes and wonder among yourselves why, in a world that's a vale of tears, none of you are laughing.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 27 May 22 - 09:04 AM

No I am not jealous I am angry about guns and the people who profit from them and sad for the victims.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 27 May 22 - 09:12 AM

Chap went to the doc with a terrible stomach ache.

"I can't understand it, doc. I have a great appetite, I love my grub and now I'm just miserable!"

"So what have you had to eat today so far?"

"Well for breakfast I had six slices of toast, eight fried eggs, five sausages and half a pound mushrooms. Elevenses, three coffees and six or seven chocolate biscuits. For lunch I had two king-size burgers with extra fries and bacon with each one, a slab of chocolate cake, two Cokes and two bottles of beer..."

"Hmm. Well drop your trousers, bend over and let's take a look.... Ahah, I can see straight away what the problem is here..."

"What is it, doc?"

"Well, it appears that you only have the one arsehole..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 27 May 22 - 09:55 AM

My ex asked me the difference between Ignorance and apathy.... I told her 'I don't know and I don't care!!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 27 May 22 - 10:26 AM

I think therfore I am.
Only you know if you are nothing.
If you don't think so you are nothing.

Tell some boy scout jokes. They're in the same pedophile chapter as your Priest jokes, if you like that sort of thing.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 27 May 22 - 08:12 PM

Troll.

A bloke wakes up in hospital after a terrible car accident. He looks down between his legs and, well, there's a key component missing...

The surgeon comes in and sez to the bloke, "You're lucky, mate. You're in the top hospital for todger transplantation in the country. As a matter of fact, we happen to have a choice of three replacement willies for you in our freezer right now!"

"Oh wow!" sez the bloke. Tell me more!"

"Well, of course there will be a small charge. We have a six-incher, a sort of budget model, that would cost you five grand. Then there's the eight-incher at ten grand. The gold standard is our nine-and-a-half incher, but that one would set you back twenty grand...."

"Blimey," sez the bloke. "I'd love that last one, but can you get my wife in so that we can consult?"

An hour later, after the chap and his missus had had a chat, the surgeon came back in. "Well have you made a decision?"

"We have," said the chap. "We're having a new kitchen..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 29 May 22 - 10:56 AM

You can sometimes make fools of people, but many folks are the do-it-yourself type.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 29 May 22 - 11:24 AM

Observed in a butchers' shop in Nottingham:

    BACON MISHAPS

The butcher changed it to "bacon misshapes" after I laughed, because he thought I was mocking him; but I'd laughed because it was so delightfully *correct*.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 31 May 22 - 07:22 PM

How the 'Recipes: What are we eating?' thread was born.

A refined gentleman wakes up in hospital after an embarrassing car accident. He looks down between his legs and there's only a todger stump...
The surgeon comes in and said to the eunuch, "You're lucky, mate. You're in the top hospital for todger transplantation in the country. As a matter of fact, we happen to have a willie for you in our fridge right now!" "Oh wow!" sez the blokette. Tell me more!"
"With your dismemberment insurance it can be done immediately"
"Blimey," says the halfman. "I'd love that but may I get my wife in to consult?" An hour later, after the chap and his missus had had a chat, the surgeon came in. "Well have you made a decision?"
"We have," said the obese chap. "We're building a new kitchen...despite my wife's immense enthusiastic curiosity regarding surgury."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 31 May 22 - 08:33 PM

You seriously need to see someone. Sick.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 01 Jun 22 - 07:52 AM

While the joke retains the fact he wouldn't boink her with another man's dick, it gives the wife's explicit pov in an equal opportunity manner. Its now bigger than a size matters joke.
Ya know its only a matter of time when the word syndrome appears after your name.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 01 Jun 22 - 01:26 PM

I entered the butchers shop and asked for 100 grams of bacon. The butcher said 'Lean back' so I leaned back and asked him again. This kept repeating itself

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 01 Jun 22 - 02:07 PM

A burly sailor gets brought into an infirmary staffed by a bunch of postulate nuns, girls barely 18 preparing to become full nuns, and of course, supervised by a few gruff looking nuns.
Being good Catholics in a small Newfoundland seaside town, such oddities rarely found their way to their front door. The elder nuns insisted that only they would attend to him. The next evening there was a crash and a scream!! The sister ran out the door as fast as she could. Sister Marry Clarance of the Assumption held her weight to the door, white as a ghost and muttered..
"On hh..his.. Pe.. Penis it has a..word...SWAN!" And then she ran off to her room.

The next morning Sister Gertrude Harmony of the Assumption quite sternly takes over as the ward of the sailor, lecturing the girls over breakfast of the sins of curiosity and the flesh!
“Is it true?” asked Marta. “Does he truly have ‘Swan’ tattooed on his spear of Adam?”“I’LL HEAR NO MORE OF THIS NONSENSE!!” Yells Sister Gertrude as she storms out the room.
But the young ladies only became more intrigued. Being a particularly observant lot, they knew Sister Gertrude loved the communion wine as much as she loved the lord. So one night the postulates fortified the sacrament with some brandy. Soon Sister Gertrude was snoring.

All the girls were anxious, but none could muster the courage! Such trepidation! How does a young lady ask to see a strange man’s penis in a way that would be pleasing to the Lord?
A bath! Fetch water and soap! SSHH!! Don’t wake Sister Marry Clarance or Sister Gertrude. They’ll have our habits!!
While the four or so ladies scrambled for an alibi, the rest formed a circle around one. She was shy, quiet, timid, and quite pretty. Me!?! She asked.“Do it for us Mary? Please?! We may never see one! You must tell us what it’s like! And if it truly has a word on it.

Mary gathered her nerve, and sighed deeply. Then she took the wash basin, and with a confidence nobody knew she had, marched right into the sailor’s room.
She was even humming. Ten minutes later, the humming stopped.Twenty minutes later, strange noises the girls have never heard started.
Forty minutes later, the ringleader of the postulates stood by the door, banging on it every five minutes to hush them up.
Over an hour later, Mary came out the door, hair neat, habit in place, only a bit of flush and glow to give her away.

All the rest swarmed her like geese.“So...”“So what?” She said“Well does it...say...”Mary cut her off “Does it say ‘Swan?’”Mary turned and walked to the door turning back from the doorway she looked them all in the eye and smiled and said..

“No, It says "SASKATCHEWAN”

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Jun 22 - 01:46 PM

"Holmes, I'm really struggling with this crossword. Could you help? This clue here: 'Pertaining to the digestive tract...'"

"Alimentary, my dear Watson."

"Ah, thank you! And this one, two words: 'Burglar sets off loud ringing bell...'"

"Alarm entry, my dear Watson."

"That fits! Hmmm, how about this one, three words: 'Large ocean fish with flat body and wing-like appendages...'"

"Yellow manta ray, my dear Watson."

"Cheers! But what about this one: 'Conservative MP sends money to ex-wife', two words..."

"Alimony Tory, my dear Watson."

"And this one's really tough, Holmes: 'California-style...'"

"A la Monterey, my dear Watson..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Jun 22 - 04:01 PM

For the first time in three years the Jehovah's Witness fellow called on me today (this is a true story, not a joke). I always have a banter with him as he's a dear old chap. His wife died during the pandemic and he's now 86 years old. He knows that I'm an incorrigible atheist but we see eye-to-eye on the woes of the world (maybe not how they should be fixed). If he comes in September he can have a big bag of apples from my trees, a bit of a ritual.

Anyway, this is a joke thread, and his visit reminded me of the old Tommy Cooper chestnut:

Two blokes knocked on my door today. All they wanted to do was talk to me about vacuum cleaners. I thought to myself, "Oh no, not the Jehoover's Witnesses again..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Senoufou
Date: 20 Jun 22 - 02:05 AM

How many Boris Johnsons does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, because he lies, saying he's done it, and everyone applauds him with enthusiasm. (Joke on my village Facebook this morning)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 20 Jun 22 - 04:44 AM

A topical joke, which happens to be accurate:

Father's Day: Nine months before Mother's Day.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 20 Jun 22 - 10:35 AM

What is the opposite of irony?

Wrinkly.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 20 Jun 22 - 01:46 PM

BREAKING NEWS
Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night'.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh
Date: 20 Jun 22 - 04:18 PM

Surely that can't be true. Rescuers would have to be very stupid indeed to think that so many bodies could possibly have fitted into a "small, two-seater Cessna plane". They would have to be even stupider not to have linked together the state of the bodies discovered, the presence of coffins of various ages, and the location of the crash, a cemetery, as offering a likely explanation. These people responding to this crash, presumably Irish people, must be represented as very, very thick indeed in this supposed joke.

The old ones aren't necessarily the best, when ye think about it. Try using the old stereotypes about certain other recognisable groups of people and see where that gets ye; got anything about Scots being parsimonious? Ken whit I mean, pal?

ABCD.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 20 Jun 22 - 04:51 PM

In the same vein, how does a Yorkshireman make an omelette?

First, he nicks three eggs...


(Now I feel I'm allowed that because I'm a Lancashire lad, and don't kid yourself into thinking that the Wars of the Roses was ever resolved...)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 22 Jun 22 - 10:08 AM

Octoberfest all year long, just wear old shoes As usual, its no joke

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 22 Jun 22 - 01:32 PM

Mr Harkness walks into a bank London and asks for the loan officer. He says he's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow £5000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so Mr Harkness hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce, which cost a quarter of a million pounds.

“The car is parked on the street in front of the bank,” says Mr Harkness, “and I have all the necessary papers.”

The bank officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. After Mr Harkness leaves, the loan officer, the bank's president and all their colleagues enjoy a good laugh at the man for using a £250,000 Rolls Royce as collateral against a £5,000 loan.

One of the employees drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, Mr Harkness returns, repays the £5000 and the interest, which comes to £15.41.

The loan officer says, "Sir, I must tell you, we’re all a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and discovered that you’re a multimillionaire. Why would you bother to borrow £5,000?"

The man replies, "Where else in London can I park my car for two weeks for only £15.41?"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 22 Jun 22 - 01:38 PM

I like Georgian's new jokebook.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 11 Jul 22 - 04:22 AM

Waiting to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer
saw a car puttering along at 22 MPH.
He thought "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"
So he turned on his lights and pulled the driver over.
Approaching the car, he noticed that there are five old ladies, two in
the front seats and three in the back...wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, said to him "Officer, I don't
understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit!
What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should
know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to
other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit
exactly...Twenty-two miles an hour!" ....the old woman says a bit
proudly.
The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that
A22 is the road number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing
out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask....Is everyone in this
car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a sound
this whole time,"
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We've just come off the A120."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 11 Jul 22 - 07:01 AM

Ah, 75 mph ain't scary! Oh, wait, you guys arent in km, oops...

I am reminded of someone differentiating the US and UK by quipping, in the US they think 100 years is a long time, and in the UK they think 100 miles is a long way.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Raggytash
Date: 11 Jul 22 - 09:05 AM

Mrzzy, 75MPH or 120KPH is the speed limit on Motorways in Ireland, many people push up this a bit so travelling at 80MPH or 128KPH is not uncommon.

I was stopped for speeding once in America the cop said when he looked at my license "Hey you got endoresments for driving ............... cool"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Neil D
Date: 14 Jul 22 - 09:06 AM

A young woman is walking along the beach with her little boy when a huge wave rolls in and crashes down upon them. As it recedes she realizes her son has been swept out to sea. She cannot see him and becomes frantic. She casts her eyes heavenward and says: "Oh Lord, I know I haven't always lived a righteous life but my son is life itself to me. If you return him to me alive I swear to live a better life and honor your name". Then she sees a tiny black speck, way up in the clouds. It grows as it gets nearer until she can make out a great albatross in very steep dive. It follows a sunbeam down to the water and then beneath the waves. After being out of sight for several seconds, it rises again from the sea and lo and behold the small child is riding on its back. The great beast flies ashore and deposit him in his mother's arms and then soars into the sunset. The ecstatic woman squeezes her wee lad til he squeals and rains kisses down upon his head. She holds him at arms length and satisfied he is intact she raise her eyes once more to the heavens and says "Um...he WAS wearing a hat".

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 14 Jul 22 - 09:14 AM

Lol, Neil.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 17 Jul 22 - 02:30 PM

I recognized this as an old classic Jewish joke

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 17 Jul 22 - 03:30 PM

From a book translated from Italian:

Somebody got killed. Zap!”

“What’s that supposed to mean, ‘zap’?”

“He got shot.”

"No. A pistol shot goes ‘bang,’ a lupara goes ‘boom,’ a machine gun goes ‘ratatatatat,’ and a knife goes ‘swiss.’ ”

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 17 Jul 22 - 06:18 PM

Red goes to a New Year’s Eve party.
He’s having a great time but after a while he realizes he lost his wallet.
Red’s not a shy guy, so he stands up and says “Excuse me! Excuse me! I lost my wallet with $500 in it. I’ll give $50 to whoever finds it!”
From the back of the room comes a voice, “I’ll give $75!”

Every day, Morrie has lunch in the same deli, and every day Morrie orders the beef barley soup.

One day he gets his soup, and as the waiter starts walking away, Morrie says, “Come back here. Taste the soup.”

“What’s wrong, Morrie? You’ve had that soup every day for 30 years.”

“Taste the soup.”

“Is it too salty?”

“Taste the soup.”

“Is it cold?”

“Taste. The. Soup.”

“Is there a fly in it, God forbid?”

“Taste the soup!”

“Okay, fine. I’ll taste the soup. Where’s the spoon?”

“Aha!”

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 17 Jul 22 - 06:58 PM

I see that a couple of you are using the joke thread, once again, to tell things that are not jokes. So to put things right here's a couple from the mighty Ken Dodd:

“I used to think I was marvellous in bed until I discovered that all my girlfriends suffered from asthma.”

"I'm not saying that I was an ugly baby, but when I was born the midwife slapped my mother."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 18 Jul 22 - 06:38 AM

I stepped into the popular 4 Seasons restaurant in DC and ordered Lake Trout. ‘I beg your pardon, sir’ apologized the waiter, ‘I can only serve you a Trump Trout’. What's the difference? ‘Well the Trump–Trout has no head’.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Jul 22 - 06:53 AM

Not a joke.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 18 Jul 22 - 06:58 AM

No more non joke comments! It makes him Fuhrerious.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Jul 22 - 07:04 AM

Godwin. And that's no joke, you idiot.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 18 Jul 22 - 07:39 AM

Famous original 1935 joke in Berlin:
I stepped into the popular Aschinger restaurant in Berlin and ordered a Bismarck herring. ‘I beg your pardon, sir’ apologized the waiter, ‘I can only serve you a Hitler herring’. ‘Well – what is the difference?’ ‘The Bismarck herring had a head, sir; the Hitler herring hasn’t’’.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 20 Jul 22 - 10:38 AM

Whatever troubles Adam had / No man could make him sore / By saying when he told a jest / "I've heard that joke before." Philadelphia Times, Feb. 23, 1890

From this.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 21 Jul 22 - 07:42 PM

I followed your link and read the jokes from 19th century America. I came to the conclusion that what I'd thought was my prejudice against American "humour" is, in fact, not prejudice at all. Not one titter was raised by any of those jokes. They are, quite simply, not funny in any objective sense. They represent misplaced wit that's hardly worthy of the name, and are just about as far from generating belly-laughs as it's possible to be. They are attempts to be over-clever by people who are complete strangers to clever.

I suppose you guys still think that Bob Hope ever said anything funny or witty. Tsk.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh
Date: 21 Jul 22 - 11:24 PM

"Don't worry Mom, the...[real]...jokes are coming" (B.H.)

Most of those C19th American "dry goods" (O.W.) struck me as similar to the standard fare of many currently popular American comedy shows, "sitcoms", and the like, in that for the most part I can see what the play on words, or allusion, or reference, or parody, is, but it's so obvious and banal that with a bit of revision it might be improved into something worthy of being included in a Christmas Cracker. For instance, this version is better than the American one cited:
"Ye've holes in baith yr socks"
"Whit? That cannae be; they're new!"
"How did ye get yr feet intae thaim, then?"

Characteristically, the following example of a play on words and meanings is less confrontational than the American one about the chimney, in which the youth seems to seize the opportunity to be needlessly unpleasant in a manner which would, a century later, arise in all triumphant splendour and spread like a malign web world-wide:
A well-to-do gentleman, leaving a hotel on the outskirts of a small Scottish village, passed by a youngster sitting at the roadside holding a short stick with a string attached, a bent pin tied to the end clearly visible through the two inches of muddy water in which he was "fishing". Indulgently, the wealthy visitor threw him a coin or two. Later - it was a small village - the tourist recognised the lad again.
"Well, Sonny," he said, "did you catch many fish today?"
"Naw... but Ah caught you".

I believe there's a Middle Eastern variant involving someone similarly "wise enough to play the fool", only his method involves carrying a net conspicuously into the desert. When the Sultan, Pasha, Vizier or whatever who has indulgently thrown the Village Idiot a shekel or two sees him later, there's not any net, and of course he mentions this.
"One does not need a net once one has caught the fish"

Ah, if you give someone a fish he will eat for a day. Teach him to fish instead, and you've just given up a good business opportunity.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 21 Jul 22 - 11:32 PM

What was that Klingon one about teaching someone to fly that ends with But if you toss'm out the airplane they fly for the rest of their lives?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: BobL
Date: 22 Jul 22 - 04:11 AM

Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a minute.
Set him on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 22 Jul 22 - 09:55 AM

Give your husband a fish and he can eat for a day. Give him some fishing gear and you can get rid of him every weekend.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh
Date: 23 Jul 22 - 04:29 PM

not quite the same pattern, sure, but more snappy than the traditional "give him/her/them an inch and he/she/they will take an ell", is this from some film/movie:
"Give a woman an acorn and before you know where you are you're up to your arse in oak trees". "Snappy" ain't necessarily the same as "short".
Leaving aside Mark Twain, one memorable example of Anerican wit is Lincoln's riposte to some Congressman who had challenged him to a duel: "A duel? Why certainly, Sir. What d'ye say to cow-dung thrown at ten paces?"

ABCD

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Bonzo3legs
Date: 23 Jul 22 - 04:48 PM

A man walks into a library and says to the librarian "fish and chips please" The librarian angrily says "This is a library".

The man whispers "Fish and chips please"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!